Monthly Archives: September 2014

Full Swap and Soft Swap… Can They Get Along?

On Kasidie there is a thread going that talks about how rude and horrible full swappers are…. 

I will admit here and now… I don’t get soft swapping… 

Yes, I know what soft swapping is… but I don’t get why that is a preference for people… I am NOT JUDGING THEM…. I just don’t get it… so we do not do soft swap as a preference or option… Here is my post from today…. I think it shows why we don’t soft swap. 

I just don’t know why people seem to think one preference is better than the other… or if someone chooses full swap they are horrible because they won’t soft swap…. 

There is also an issue of the opening posters profile name that indicates full swapping… it is also included in this post… and I really think it demonstrates how stubborn or unteachable some people are… but that is another post for another reason…. 

I will get back to the Kink series soon… bu this just seemed important to share…. 

We are a full swap couple… we are honest about the fact we are full swap… but that doesn’t mean we will not meet with you for dinner or drinks or at a club or house party if you are a soft swap couple… we have met with folks that are soft swap because they asked us to meet with them and made it clear their intentions and that they do not play on the first date…. and when they do play they will only be soft swap… we will likely not soft swap with them… we will be more than happy to meet with them and get to know them and hang out with them but we will not likely soft swap with them…. that is not our thing…. and we tell them that up front… we have no problem becoming friends with them… but we will not soft swap with them… 

We do not expect soft swap folks to full swap with us… and we do not expect to be pressured into soft swapping only with them…  and yes… believe it or not… that has happened to us… people who know we do not soft swap will pressure us to soft swap with them…. 

I will be honest… we have gone on dates where the rule was no play will happen and we had incredible makeout sessions with them… and had a lot of fun… and that is all that WE allowed to happen… but I will not get undressed in any way shape or form with a soft swap couple…. 

I can’t promise that if I find myself attracted to a person and going down on him or him on me that I won’t be wanting to have him fuck me… to complete the moment… complete the experience… I can’t promise in the heat of the moment I am not going to care what their limits are… so I will just do what feels good at the moment… and if the partner is not stopping me…. well… damn it all… let’s go all the way…. 

So I avoid the situation… seems like the best option… keeps us out of situations where drama can ensue…. 

We have had some full swap couple situations that ended up only be soft swap for a number of reasons… which I won’t get into here… but they left me wanting what did not happen with that person… 

So we do not do soft swap… it may make us bad people… but because this is how we are… we avoid soft swap situations… we do not want to be a couple that finds out that me or hubby wanted it so bad and so did one or both of the others only to regret that they did… or one person went to far and the drama ensued…. 

We avoid soft swap for that reason…. 

I am also gonna say this… if you are honest about your intentions up front… verbal and in written form…. (just in case some people don’t read profiles)… you did your due diligence… if they pursue full swapping with you and try to pressure you into the full swapping… then they are assholes…. 

And just so you know the world isn’t full of assholes… they are just strategically placed so you run across them daily…. 

But you owe nothing to someone who is acting like an asshole… but at the same time… if you see a profile and or a couple in a club or at a party and you find out they are full swap only… avoid trying to get them to soft swap with you….

Full swappers are people too… we are not perfect nor are we all horrible people forcing themselves on others… for the most part… if you tell a full swapper you are soft swap and it is not something they will want to participate in.. they will decline nicely without being rude… without attacking your choice…. 

If by chance they are assholes… it isn’t because they are full swappers… it is because they are assholes…. 

One last thing.. everything we do on the site from our name, profile, pictures, preferences, forum posts, chat comments, emails, texts, in person behaviors and words go a long way in telling others who we are…. it is our marketing campaign… it makes us either appealing to others or sometimes turns people off… 

I get that your name is special to you…. but the mixed messages your name sends adds to the problem or potential for additional problems… you may have a number of people who are into the hot wife thing to think that you are wanting to full swap but just taking your time finding the right reason… or the right couple… and who doesn’t want to think they are the couple that will be your first full swap or next full swap couple… to have a hot wife experience…. 

I get that you don’t want to change your name… you said as much… but I don’t think you will be free from the people thinking you will change your mind to full swap with the name you have… 

But it is your adventure to enjoy….. your way… 

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

What a Weekend….

We have had what I have to say is the best weekend of our sexually social adventure ever…. well at least in my opinion….

I do not know what part of it was the most incredible part because the weekend was so good… I will try to dissect it a bit so you can see what happened and the intricate parts of it that wove itself together and made it so incredible…

First I love to play hostess…. I love to cook for people… I love to make people feel comfortable… I love to be able welcome people to my home… for me it was an incredible opportunity as I said in another post to be able to welcome our first LS guest to our home…

There was something fun about being able to great this guest at the door with kisses that meant more than just a quick air kiss.. to fully welcome him to our home and if we are being honest…. to our bed…

Now, this man who came to visit is mentioned in What’s Love Got To Do With It Part Three – the guy from Texas…. so there was already a bond with him… hubby has read our story we were writing so he also knew of the bond…. and well that made it seem more intense between us….

This weekend was a big deal to me because let’s face it… a single man was coming to our home to have sex with me and sex with me and hubby…. but the focus was about having sex with me…. and yes, while I was going to have sex with him and hubby and sex with him alone and hubby alone…. it is a matter of having everyone comfortable…. and that means the single man needed to feel comfortable in our home and hubby had to feel comfortable in our home….

Now let’s just say that I had no worries about hubby being comfortable… we had been swinging for 18 months and I know how he is with me and other men… love how comfortable he is… and that makes this a great deal of fun… and this weekend hubby did not disappoint…

He was working until about 1am.. our guest arrived at 7:45 pm… so there was a great deal of time to get to know each other. It was fun to be in the midst of giving a blow job… and hearing hubby open the front door… hollar “Hey hubby” (real name not given)… and then our guest hollered the same thing as hubby walked down the hall… I had a cock in one hand and reached over to kiss hubby and undo his pants…

I cannot tell you how relaxed the night was… how much fun it was when nothing of the tense and other crap things you think may happen or you hear what happens to others and then you find yourself being fucked and sucked and you fucking and sucking and you know life is good…

Hubby was wore out but we sure did have some fun…

Did I ever tell you how much I love men… but to have two men to do as I please and do to me as they please… Oh My Goodness…. I absolutely loved it…

Falling asleep and feeling a cock so eager to fuck me…. and then going from one man to the other…

I think I may really like the idea of poly… to have more than one man at my disposal for when I need a good fucking or a MFM…

We did leave the house on Saturday… had sex before we left, when we got home and well, you get the picture…

I was tired and sore… but so very happy…. what a beautiful weekend of friends and lovers….

It is this type of weekend… this type of experience… this type of sexually social fun that makes me glad I am on this adventure….

To my husband and my lover…. thank you so much for incredible memories… it would not have been nearly as wonderful if not for you both….

I really hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Finding Your Kink…. Exploring Your Kink…. Or Asking What Defines Kink Part Five

I often wondered if anyone knows how to approach others about their kinks… I asked the other day on chat at two different times… two different crowds… got a lot of answers and most of them were the same but worded a bit differently…. but they were the same…

People rarely talk about their kinks and even more rarely do so in a face to face setting… WHY NOT?

Fear.

Pure and simple… and we are not talking anything to extreme.. but the simple bits of kink….

Shame.

They feel there is something wrong with admitting they have a kink…..

Judgment.

They pass judgment on others so they know others will pass judgement on them….

But what would happen if they shared their kinks anyways…. didn’t worry about the fear, shame, or judgment?

I have a story… I know you are not surprised I have a story…. I have had a good number of experiences and I love to share… good thing huh? At least for this blog….

I had been chatting in main chat with this particular fellow and one day he private chats me. He starts opening up about himself and his ‘kink’…. OMG… this turned me on… and here is the honest truth as to why it turned me on….

And when I say turned me on… I am talking about a whole body reaction…

My brain was engaged…

My breasts were fully engorged…

My heart was beating so very fast….

My body tingled…

My pussy was quivering and oh so wet….

Every part of my body was reacting to what he was writing…

Why did this turn me on?

He CHOSE me to share it with….

He TOLD me these secrets…

He SHARED with me details and pictures and OMG….

He INCLUDED me into the fantasy he wove as he explained it to me…

I wanted him, his kink, and I wanted to participate….

I wanted to participate with him and with others….

I wanted to participate with my hubby… which meant I needed to share this with my hubby and I wanted him to want it too….

He did… I was so happy…

It was something I found very hot, very interesting, and something I wanted to know more about….

What I also found out through all of this exploration was how much there was out there that I wanted to try and learn and do….

I found out a lot about me… who I was sexually and how it was a side of me… not all of me…

That is the thing I think many wonder about.. if they give into this kink or any kink does it have to consume your whole life? Does it make you different? Does it make you odd?

The answer to those questions are easy to answer if you want to be honest…. and that is often the key… how honest do you want to be…

If you own who you are… kinks and all… there is nothing to fear…. self acceptance is critical…. now mind you… when I say nothing to fear…. that does not mean shout it off the rooftops at work… or at church… you will not likely receive a positive reception from everyone…

But when I say own who you are… I mean be okay with who you are… how you are… and what you need. It is so important that you accept you and what you are before you can expect anyone to accept you… and your kinks…

Now, if your kink is way outside the normally accepted kinks… you may have a bit of a problem convincing others to accept that kink… let’s say you enjoy anal sex and wiping any feces on your cock on the upper lip of your partner… (yes, that is a kink dirty Sanchez is what it is called and not one of mine)… you may have a little more difficulty finding others who will participate in this kink… Please know that you should not attempt this particular kink without proper notice and approval of the person who will receive such a surprise…. this may be some thing you want to discuss slowly with others…

Maybe find out what they like and do not like… what they will or will not accept… some tell you right off the bat… NO POTTY PLAY… and well, that would be potty play… a nice way of saying… no shit play of any type….

But that does not mean you should feel bad about your kink… Own it.. it is your kink… but find a place to use this type of play with those who are receptive of it… rather than inflicting a person to the kink unsuspecting…

For some… anal sex alone is a kink that is on the verge of potty play that they do not want to venture… and I get that…. but there are many things you can do to prepare for anal sex that will eliminate (no pun intended) some of the risk of feces in the play area…. and that is a part of owning your kink… finding out what is needed to make this kink fantasy a reality and one that will be accepted…

Okay, let’s say that you took time to prepare for anal sex and well I am sorry I just have to say this… SHIT HAPPENS…. guess what? When you stick something into someone’s ass that is a risk… sometimes the prep work was spotless (Sorry not meaning to be funny)… but during the heat of the moment… when the feelings of good times causes all kinds of things to be stimulated… it does mean that your umm bowels may be as well… it is okay…. it happens… I would just remember to prepare the area properly by using an old blanket or what have you in case of a smear or mark….

I am sure you are wondering why on earth am I going into all these gross details about shit and anal sex…

Because it is a part of owning what you do…

If you cannot understand that shit happens when you have anal sex sometimes then you are not owning your kink… you are not able to honestly look at your kink and prepare for your kink and all that goes along with it…

Until you can talk about the ‘ugly’ details of a kink… you may not be ready for your kink…

And that goes for any and all kink… like swinging… if you can’t figure out that at some time or other someone will have hurt feelings… or the sex for one is better than the sex for the other half of a couple… well…. damn… maybe you need to review what own it means…

Well, enough for now… sure hope many of you weren’t reading this while enjoying a meal…. sorry… should have put a warning label on it…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Finding Your Kink…. Exploring Your Kink…. Or Asking What Defines Kink Part Four

What do we believe about ourselves largely defines what we do… sometimes we are open to new things but often we are happy to remain where we are… it is comfortable… it is what we know… it is safe…

But is safe what we really want to have everyday of our lives? For a good number of people who identify as swingers… numbers unknown because it is a ‘secret’ activity for most… they have moved passed their comfort zone to play out their kink – their desires… and that is essential for everyone to understand… if you swing you are exploring a kink…

Not every kink has to do with BDSM… and that is a misconception out there…

Ever have a fantasy… love vampire erotica… your favorite vibe… (rabbit is mine…Hitachi also a good one)… thought a guy in a kilt looks hot…. wanted to have sex with someone from another race…. anal sex… threesomes…. phone sex with your spouse, partner, boy/girl friend…. used whipped cream…. wet t-shirt competitions, porn, a party in college where sex happened and others were in the room with you…. not wearing panties in public and flashing those who cared to look…. see where this is going….

Kinks are out there in a variety of forms and fashion but most of us do not see using whipped cream on a nipple as a kink…

But it goes further than that… have you ever said you are a ‘tit man’ or ‘I love a guy’s ass’ or its their eyes that get me… for me it is often their smile… pantie melting for sure…. those are kinks…

Now I am sure someone out there is saying.. ‘darling (fantasizing it is a cowboy saying this to me), aren’t you confusing preferences with kinks?’

Oh my sweet and hot cowboy… nope….

Nope as in Kinks and Preferences are the same thing in a broad sense of the definition… most of us are just not willing to say the word kink because a lot of people immediately think of BDSM and that is not all that kinks are about….

Preferences often describe the kinks we have in us…. here is the best example I can think of…. a personal one…

I am not a submissive person in the traditional BDSM way of thinking of submissive… do not order me to do something.. I will not do it…

But if I find a guy who will ‘find’ out how to get me to do what they want… I will submit to them… but they still cannot tell me what to do… but because of the interplay that begins… I will do just about anything they want to do… and they often let me do the same… to them.

In this sense.. I have found that I will submit to a man who has in essence submitted to me first… and that led me to realize that I like to have a bit of control over men… and then I learned that I like to know that I have the power to make men want me… and want me as in get hard when they think of me… as in whether or not I am actively trying to get them hard they will get hard and then they will let me know they thought of me and got hard and that turns me on because I have control of this little part of a guy and even though they are strong, masculine, hot men… they want me and their body will get hard thinking of me… and wow what a turn on… and then if we meet and play and they wanted to do something that is out of my comfort zone I would do it because they are in fact just as unable to control their desire for me as I am for them….

But in all this talk of control… there is never any humiliation or degradation… it is simply a matter of trust and handing over control to gain control to hand it over again and then get it again and so on and so forth….

I am a person who likes to have and give control but not if there is anything humiliating about it…. that is one of my main kinks….

Now that I know this about me… I found that I enjoy different aspects of controlling (some call it being a dom – but I don’t like that as often it is assumed that a woman domming (is that a word) a man, calling him a sissy, being mean about his cock, his abilities, comes with it)….

For me… I like a man who is strong mentally and physically…. I want that man to want me so much that he will submit to me to get me to submit to him….

I have looked all over the Human Sex Map  to find where that dynamic is located… it isn’t… not as I have described… but that doesn’t mean that isn’t my kink…. that it isn’t a valid kink… it just means that the dynamic is not spelled out on a map…

And you know what… I doubt I am alone… maybe not on that particular kink but in general there are many who have variations of kink that they have yet to investigate….

As I sorted stated talking about… knowing this kink about me has caused me to look at a lot of the relationships I have with different people in my sexually social adventure… and the dynamic is there in all of them… but it is not as if I have screamed it out…

Now, if my kink was to tie a man up and pour wax on his cock and balls… I think I would talk to him about it first….  but for me… I did not realize this kink was a kink until I started talking with a friend…. he is a lot like me and when we talked about some of this stuff and realized that we had this in common it started to click for me… It started to make sense why I enjoyed this to a point….

With some men it has gone to a point where the fun has left because instead of submitting to me so I will submit to them….they took a different approach… they were like a little lost puppy… I found that a turn off… and I found myself in a mode that I wanted to end the relationships however defined… because they did not make me submit to them… they remained submissive to me…

I didn’t like it… I wanted and do want a man to take charge with me… but not ordering me to do something…

Here is a dialogue of what I find sexy and not sexy….

“Sophia, you make me want you.” He says that as he is kissing me hard and passionately… his hands are roaming from my hair to my breasts to my ass….

“God, you kiss good…I want to feel your mouth on my cock, I know you will make me feel so good, by the way you kiss me”…. I am undoing his pants while he is still kissing me and telling me these words…. I can’t wait to get his cock in my mouth…..

“I love how you take charge of my cock” as I am bringing that cock in and out of my mouth in a heated frenzy…..

And at that moment… the control of the situation is flowing between us both.. when I need to take control of his body I have the power to do so… but when he is in need of owning my body… he has complete ownership….

Not so sexy to me….

“You need to suck my cock good” I just stand there thinking WTF?

“You are my whore.” I am thinking of how to disengage and walk away… where are my panties again?

“I am going to teach you how to be mine”…..I should apologize now for kicking you in the balls…..

Nothing is going to happen that he hopes… I am not ashamed to admit it won’t work for me… I am not a girl who likes to be called a slut or whore….

I do not like my hair pulled in the direction of your cock… I will go to your cock willingly… do not force me to…. maybe your kink but not mine…

And isn’t that really what the problem is… when someone has a kink… they think everyone they play with has to follow that kink…

Instead of actually talking to people you are going to have sex with about things that really matter… they focus on all kinds of stupid shit… like how they need a HWP person to be friends with… or how they have to have someone who is shaved or how they can do oral like a champ… or other mundane and doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things

YET….

They will fail to tell you that they can only get hard if they are touching your ass or fucking you in the ass… yep, happened to me….

Or they fail to tell you that they HAVE to call you whore to get off… again… happened to me….

Or they have to bit your CLIT… WTF was that guys problem…. again… happened to me…

Or they have to watch their spouse the entire time you and him are having sex in order to have sex… however the wife doesn’t look over at him once…. again… happened to me….

These are things that people need to start talking about… share your kinks… share your preferences.. share your sexual needs… why is this a good thing to surprise your partner with….

I think that is why I am writing about kinks… so that others will see what theirs are… and it will start dialogues… and dialogue is a good thing….

Well, writing this in advance and today is the day of our first LS guest to stay in our home… got lots of things to do… so can’t wait…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Our First Guest….

Taking a quick detour from the Kink series… I will be continuing that series…

We are having our first LS guest come to our house this weekend… I have to admit I am very excited… it is a man… coming to play with us all weekend long.. it is, as I said the first time we are opening our house up to someone that we really haven’t met before in person…. we feel this is a step we are ready to take… I mean we have had ‘strangers’ come to our house before in the vanilla world and surely it shouldn’t be so bad to take the same risk inviting people to our house…

Here is how I look at it…

I have invited friends, family, neighbors, and other people’s children in our home over the years… some of them have been good, some bad, some cute, some ugly (and I am talking behaviors here)… and some have bored the crap out of us… I can’t tell you how often we begged the day – evening – event to be over when they were boring or their kids horrible… we have many stories of when we didn’t want the day – evening – event to end because we loved being with them…

So as I sit here today thinking about opening our home to a ‘swinger’ guest… I cannot say that I am fearful of anything different from when the vanilla guests have come about in my life…. I am sure we will have good, bad, cute, ugly, and boring swinger guests as we have had with vanilla folks…

People are people after all… really the only thing that is different… and I am being honest here… is if I want to fuck my guest that comes over… I can…

There have been some vanilla friends from long before we knew they were called vanilla that I would have fucked if I had the opportunity… just to fuck once to see what it was like….

Hell, a few of our male guests seemed awful bent on long, breast crushing hugs where their arms were wrapped about my waist and back and touching my ass….

Dammit hubby… maybe Ben was a swinger….. or at least open to swinging…. I would have had him high on the ‘I’d do him list’.

But here I am getting carried away on other topics…. but the topic at hand is our first swinger guest in our home…

I am so excited about it….

I have done everything in my power not to think too much about it… as in not plan out every last minute and detail… I do like things to go naturally…

But I am very excited about this for more than just because this man is coming to our house and that I want to fuck him very much…

I am excited because it opens up a new dimension of our adventure… we are moving towards looking at how our adventure evolves with the comfort level with ourselves and our ‘friends’….

This is a benchmark in our adventure… and I am truly excited… so much so… I have written and have saved two days worth of blog posts because I may not be able to take time to write a post….

I may have to write a special post about how this all went…. likely I will have a few stories to tell…. and not about how open our house up to a swinger … but what we did when we opened our house….

Can’t wait for you to come this weekend…. and sure hoping you know that had several meanings there… and yes… can’t wait for you to cum and cum and cum…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

I AM!

Sophia

Finding Your Kink…. Exploring Your Kink…. Or Asking What Defines Kink Part Three

I have throughout my sexually social adventure found myself learning a great deal about myself….

as I said in the first part… some of what I have found out is not sex related…. but me as a person… and I blame it on kink…. That is said tongue in cheek as it is not a bad blame but rather it is a happy blame as I discovered something great about myself…. 
Largely sexual freedom… yes, sexual freedom that has made me a better person… let me see if I can explain this and how it matches up with kink, finding your kink, exploring your kink or asking what defines kink….. 
When you are turned on by something… in this case as I am a swinger… having sex with other people besides my husband… and you have the freedom to explore and that frees up your mind…. frees it from guilt, anxiety, and other emotions that clogs up your brain and makes you feel like you are doing something wrong…. 
I can enjoy my swinging activities and partners because it is fulfilling my sexual desires… my sexual needs.. I crave variety and swinging (kink) provides that for me… 
But that is not all that I crave… I am not sure how to explain it to others where it makes sense… some of my kinks because when I mention a kink someone will automatically decide that my kink needs to go one way or another rather than my way… and that is I believe the hardest thing about finding your kink and letting others know about it… is if those you tell understand they have to listen to what you are saying rather than assuming what you mean, or assuming the role you will take, or assuming they know you better than you know yourself…. 
I believe it is possible for others to see something in you that you are not able to see about yourself…. I get that because I have been a social worker in the mental health field… I was trained to notice things.. I was trained and put into practice skills and knowledge to watch and learn… and by doing just that I can pick up on what people are like and likely to do… however, that does not mean I know everything about them… I have insight… but to really know that person… I have to ask them… I have to listen to them… I have to be willing to LEARN…. and many do not do that… 
And that is sad… but it isn’t rare… in fact it is sadly very common… very disappointing that it is very common… 
On chat one night I was talking in private chat with a female friend… she is very kinky and I say that with great respect for her… she has made it known that she is into BDSM and she is also into having a separate boyfriend and/or girlfriend… in many ways… we have a lot of similarities… but instead of assuming we are alike in all ways… I know that we have many more differences than similarities. That is what I love about her… I can learn about her and myself by having a conversation with her… and that is the key CONVERSATION WITH HER… not at her…. or about her… but with her… we can ask questions and defer to each other’s advice… we can see what we need to do to accomplish a task/goal/wishlist item… we have built respect between each other… 
We have also noticed that so many people fail to hear us when we speak… she likes BDSM whereas I really don’t…. when I am confronted with talk of it… I will listen and learn… but I have no desire to have nipple clamps or suction cups placed on my breasts…. and I am not talking about saying no without trying… several people have tried it on me… enough to say that I have no interest in nipple clamps… I only feel pain and it hurts… I derive no sexual pleasure from it… I hurt… plain and simple. The suction cup things feel like the suction from the breast pump… and that hurt like hell too… and if it wasn’t for the fact that it helped feed my babies… I would not have tolerated that either… I didn’t go around using my breast pump for sexual fun… it is not my thing.. 
I have tried it with several people…. and even after explaining it and telling them just what I mentioned above… I am constantly told that if I relaxed more I would enjoy it… if I embraced the pain more I would enjoy it… but the kicker comes when they ORDER ME to do it… 
Seriously… I am so not submissive in that manner… you cannot order me to do something and to have a threat of a spanking or told I am being a bad girl… I laugh in your face… I am not submissive in that manner… I have trouble while in church being told to turn to my neighbor and say “HOWDY NEIGHBOR”… that isn’t what I would normally say to people so don’t tell me to say that… 
So when someone goes on and on about the need for me to do something under the threat of punishment… I roll my eyes… and do not complete the plan… I fail to see why they won’t listen to me… I am NOT SUBMISSIVE….

I have kinks but that is not one of them…. please hear that and stop thinking I suddenly will… I won’t… it is not my kink…

I am also not one that does well with humiliation or humiliating others… but when I tell them of something that I am interested in finding out more about… well.. for example… the idea of denial of a man is interesting to me… it appeals to me…. the teasing of a guy to get them to the point of needing to cum but not letting him cum…. just yet… well, that is a great thrill for me… but not when I would have to call him a sissy, or degrade him in any way… I enjoy the thrill of the situation… getting a man hard and very horny… ready to erupt but not being able to cum… and sometimes that is because they are working… not because they don’t deserve to cum or they have to be degraded before they can cum… 
But so often that is the assumption and that is the attitude the others seem to take… talking about playing with a male chastity device does not necessarily mean degrading him… it means to me, not letting him cum and having a helluva good time teasing him… the denial of sexual gratification to me is a thrilling thing to do to a man… but not by humiliating him… but by making him want to cum so bad but he can’t…. in the same token… having him suffer a ruined orgasm… not as a manner to humiliate but to play and explore… 
I have to ask… why does everyone assume everyone else is just like them???? Have to do things just the same exact way???? Have the same motivations as they do???? 
Sometimes I want to scream…. I AM NOT YOU… STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME BE LIKE YOU?????? 
I don’t necessarily want to do everything like you…. do not try to talk me into it… do not try to pressure me to be like you… do not try to force me to be like you…. 
I am not like you and my desires to investigate this stuff is not like yours… I can make it however I want… so just stop….

But there are some that remain steadfast in the belief that if you do not kink exactly like them then you are doing something wrong… and that cannot be more incorrect…. doing your kink your way is allowed…

I was told that if you share your kink – your way and it is different than the way most do it you will not have anyone to do it with….  I challenge that statement…. what if.. what if… what if… you did mention you (male) like to use a chastity device (male) but you aren’t really into the humiliation portion of it… but love the idea of denial… and you shared that and the person (female) you took the chance on sharing it with found that highly erotic… a huge turn on… something she wanted to be party to and it spoke to her because she likes the idea of that but without the humiliation aspect….

That does happen… it happened to me… and because of this sudden awaking to a new kink in my life… I shared it with hubby…. and it has been mentioned to some others and I found that they would/are interested in this as well… some of them are into other areas of it that I am not… but there are several others that would be willing to delve into this as long as it wasn’t about humiliation – verbal degrading them…. 

But sometimes like many of us believe…. we will be laughed at or rejected because of our kink… And that may be the main reason most do not share their kinks with others… the fact that many in the lifestyle or sexually social adventures or whatever term you use to define your sex life… do not share their kinks is because people just will not listen to you when you try to define your kinks as they are but they are ignored because you are to be a certain way…. 
So where does this rant lead us… it leads us back to my friends I mentioned in yesterday’s post… 
“your kink is my Saturday night” and “kink is whatever takes you out of your comfort zone”…. 
It has to be your kink your way… and that starts by first vocalizing your kinks to yourself… and to your partner…. 
But if you do not know what your kinks are and you cannot admit them to yourself… then you will not have the confidence to stand up for your kinks your way…. 
A forum post about kinks on Kasidie took off in a bad way when someone said that to them anal is a kink… and someone with more kink experience said that anal isn’t a kink…. 
Well, it is… if it is something that is out of your comfort zone it is a kink…. there is no shame in trying it… or defining it… or deciding it is not your kink….

Last night on chat… I mentioned the Human Sex Map and that I found out by finding out what some of the kinks listed are about… I was grossed out… suddenly there were comments about judging people…. I was not judging… I simply said that there are some kinks that gross me out… Never was a single kink mentioned that grossed me out…just that I researched some and some grossed me out… I made a statement last night that I am going to mention it here… there is a difference between being grossed out and judging….

It is okay if a kink turns you off, grosses you out, or otherwise makes itself known to you that it is not your kink… knowing what turns you on and what does not turn you on is not a bad thing… IT IS A GOOD THING…. knowledge is a good thing… knowing what the names of certain kinks mean and if you are willing to do those things… IS A VERY GOOD THING…. let’s say you draw the line at playing with feces… you understand that anal sex has a chance of having ‘feces’ involved and are okay with that… you are even okay with rimming a man or a woman… but you are not okay with the purposely using feces as part of your sex play… there is nothing wrong with knowing where the line is… and what those kinks that use feces as a part of the play is… so if they suggest it.. YOU KNOW what it is you are venturing into…. ATM is not just a money machine and dirty Sanchez may not be what you really want to venture into…. 

Embrace your kinks… it is just as much a part of you as your other quirks in every other part of life… 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Finding Your Kink…. Exploring Your Kink…. Or Asking What Defines Kink Part Two

Over the course of this series on kink I will reveal a bit more of my own kinks and I really hope that you will also reveal a bit more of your kinks to yourself and to your partner(s)….. It is a time of discovery and acknowledgement of your kink….

Which leads me to this small PSA (public service announcement) or is it a disclaimer… or both…… I feel this is important to state and get out of the way…..

There are some kinks that are less accepted by society… I am not one to judge another person’s kink as I am just beginning to explore some of mine… There are a few areas that I have no interest in pursuing or even witnessing… I have no desire to experience a donkey punch, jelly doughnut, or really anything that has to deal with using feces as a part of a sex act… I have no real desire to be tied up or dealing with humiliation at the hands of a dom….as a matter of fact… the role of submissive is not mine….I have no desire to have sex WITH an automobile or animal…. or a person acting like an animal…. but please make no mistake about my opinion about exploring your kink…. it is your kink and you should investigate it to the fullest extent of what you want….. BUT….if your kink involves children…. I have a problem with that…. I am not, will not, now or ever condone a kink that involves children….

I firmly believe that if you explore your kink it is with consenting adults ALWAYS… so if your kink involves children…. that violates that rule…… and in most locations  world wide violates the law….

So on to the more interesting part of this post now that I have made that disclaimer…..

How do you start finding your kink? I love referring people to the Human Sex Map. When I first began our sexually social adventure I was referred to this site…. it is a great resource to see what is considered kink and the many varieties of kink that are out there….

I will tell you the truth… while getting familiar with the Human Sex Map I also got very familiar with Urban Dictionary and Google Search…. there are many things I did not know, kinks, terms, and labels…. I admit I had no clue on some of this… but I can say I have learned so much since this began.
 And I have realize what kinks I don’t have, won’t have, and that is just as good as finding the ones you do have…..

Last night on chat on Kasidie a friend stated she loves this quote “your kink is my Saturday night.” It wasn’t the first time I heard that… but it was a reminder that everyone is different about what one believes is a kink is a normal avenue of play for others….

Another friend stated that his definition of kink is anything that is outside your comfort zone….

I cannot put the entire map on here… but I will cut and paste a few sections of it as it applies here…. you really should check it out… even if you don’t want to explore your kinks… or any new kinks… it is nice to see where you are at… because if you are reading this blog… sweetie you have a kink….

Here is one example….. Writing….

Yep, writing erotica, texting sexy little texts to friends and sex blogging is on the map…. 
And well since this blog is about my sexually social adventure also known as swinging…. 
Yep, there it is…. can you believe it???? I know… it is one of those things…. seems logical…. having sex with others while with your spouse would be rather kinky…. 
I thought it may be time to define kink by someone other than me…. here is the Wikipedia definition

In human sexuality, kinkiness or kinky (adjective), is a term used to refer to a playful usage of sexual concepts which are overt, accentuated, unambiguously expressive of sexuality. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “narrow” sexual mores and proclivities. The term “kink” has been claimed by some who practice sexual fetishism as a term or synonym for their practices, indicating a range of sexual and sexualistic practices from playful toobjectifying and paraphilic.
Kink sexual practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners. Some draw a distinction between “kink” and “fetishism”, defining the former as enhancing partner intimacy, and the latter as replacing it.[1] Because of its relation to “normal” sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well.

Urban Dictionary has this… Noun – kink – Plural – kinks As in “a kink”. sexual tastes for a person. Usually a kink is an unusual taste in sexual behaviour. 

Well, having a unusual taste in sexual behavior is not an indication of mental illness according to the DSM V (American Psychiatric Association puts this out)…. read the article here…. http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2013/03/sexual_kinks_in_the_dsm_v_paraphilic_disorders_describe_unhappy_kinksters.html
What that article tells us… in case you didn’t want to check it out on your own… if you are okay with your kinks…. as it is not causing you mental anguish…. you are not mentally ill….. which is good news…. 
So that means… we can and should explore our kinks to see what it is we want to do sexually to increase interest, desire, fulfillment… with our spouses or partners… depending on your situation…. 
Sometimes our kinks do not match up to our spouses… sometimes our kinks do not match up with our partners…. 
And sometimes our kinks do… but we don’t know that because we do not talk about them – our wants, desires, kinks to explore because we are afraid to expose that part of ourselves…. 
Believe me that is true… 
Hubby and I talked last night about yesterdays post and where the future posts were going to go… and he mentioned that sometimes it is scary to admit that something that many do not see as a ‘normal’ kink is something they want to do… or the fact that they want to try it only with their spouse because their spouse wants to do it…. 
It doesn’t change the thought  process many have that if they admit to having these kinks or willingness to explore kinks that they are some how less than normal… less than ideal… yet, that isn’t how it really is… 
There is something refreshing to know that the person you are married too wants to do something more than missionary position – standard missionary position… 
But it is more than just missionary position.. it is the willingness to explore… to test the waters… to see what their desires are.. and how to address those desires…. to me that is very sexy… very much a turn on… to know that my husband is moving along in the sexual adventure with me… that our kinks are not the same and wow is that a good thing… we can explore many different things within our marriage and because we are also on a sexually social adventure… we can explore that with others… 
Which leads to the question, how do you share your kinks with others…. and how do you know when the time is right, how receptive they are to hearing it, and if they will be open to your kinks even if not asking them to participate… but in general conversation… how do you discuss it to find others who will participate in your kinks….. 
I think that is the question to discuss tomorrow….. 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Finding Your Kink…. Exploring Your Kink…. Or Asking What Defines Kink

I am not sure where this is going… but it is a topic that I have been thinking about seeing where it goes…. I know that there has always been a little bit of kink in me… but I am not sure how it manifested… and what I felt was kinky then is not necessarily kinky now… and where my mind has been going towards lately seems even kinkier than what I first started with…. but even when I describe kinky now and kinky then… it is not the same as the kinky others who share the similar kink may do their kink…. and I think that is critical to note… that there is something else that needs no rules… as in we can all do our kink our way and it does not make it bad… it does not make it better or worse than anyone else… it just makes us… us….

This may be a multiple part topic…. I don’t know if it can be contained in one post… or if it should be…. and where I begin this topic on Kink may not seem like Kink… but it illustrates a thought process that may or may not be common… or acknowledged in general… but it is mine and I am going with it… and by the way kink may not be considered a way to describe bisexuality by many… however it is to some because it is not within their normal experience of sexual activity therefore it is a kink…

But no matter what you describe bisexuality… this is the first part of my thought process on finding your kink, exploring your kink, or asking what defines kink… and it is in some ways my process of understanding this and making it make sense to me… hopefully it will make sense to you…. or at least help you make sense of your sexuality and kink…

When I was a little girl…. I experienced what many would call a traumatic childhood… but at the same time my life appeared very normal…. I remember having a bit of exploration with a friend who lived across the street… she and I touched each other, kissed each other… and when I say touched each other…. we included what were very tiny breasts and yes our ‘privates’. It was at her house, I was spending the night, she was a year younger than me….. it was also her idea. I was about 12 years old…. while some would say this is normal in the development of one’s sexuality… exploration is normal and in many cases girls exploring girls in this manner is a turn on…. it made me wonder about a number of things… first of all where do I fit in – in this realm of sexuality because of my childhood… am I odd, wrong, bad, or an adventurer without realizing it…. could I accept it or should I accept it… these arguments took place often in my head… and I pushed many of these thought deeper into the recesses of my brain to keep myself from having these thoughts… of course it didn’t work.. it caused me to worry… am I normal?

I was raised in a dysfunctional family with heavy emphasis on religion but at the same time enough ‘sin’ happening in the home that I did not know what to expect from my family… I found my path and stayed on that path as best as I could…. but that brought a number of convicted thoughts and sometimes that led to guilt… yes, I felt guilt about exploring what seemed natural… exploring our body’s together… but I will not try to rationalize it… defend religion or blast religion… we all have our beliefs and that is not what this is about…. but the point I would like to make here is that I felt that exploring a girl was both natural for me and bad for me…. I was born in 1969 and when this happened it was in the early 80s. And any type of homosexuality at that time was not a good thing… yes, people were open about homosexuality in the 80s but not as much… and not as accepted… and this is not a debate about homosexuality and acceptance…. It is simply my thoughts from an age I was and the situation I am now in…. and to be honest… I did not understand bi-sexuality, largely because I was just learning really about my own sexuality… boys… and well…. this girl/girl experience was a bit odd….but good… but odd… but good… see how that is… conflicting feelings sometimes…

I often wondered if I was naturally interested in girls or if I was turning to girls because of things in my childhood, or if I was just curious because I could be curious…. and to be honest… I often thought it was a equally divided situation between the three….

I had attended an all-girl Southern Baptist College in a southern state….. I was hit on by many girls (well technically adults) but never pursued anything because of my conflicting emotions…  I have often wondered for a long time, where do I fit in with all this… it is a sin based on what I was taught, yet it felt natural to me… it was a sin if I had sex with boys and/or girls… but one was more acceptable than the other… everything I heard growing up was warring with what I was thinking and feeling…and trying… and it went against what I knew those who were teaching me right and wrong were doing, yet the expectation was that I was to do as they say not as they do… but they didn’t do what I did or wanted to do still….

Again this is not a critique on religion or religious teaching or even if sex as defined in the Bible is a sin… it is my thoughts as I was growing up based on what I was told and where I was at in all this… I was confused and damn it that wasn’t hard enough….

I never felt that I was a lesbian… I enjoy sex with men more than sex with women… however, I found that I was interested in having sex with women… there were many times I thought I would love to kiss ‘that’ woman… or see her naked… or yes, explore her body.. but I never had those thoughts for every woman I ever saw naked… and believe me… there are many times you see vanilla friends and co-workers in various stages of naked and it is just that…

I never thought of living with another woman in a relationship… but I could always see myself having sex with her…

I had vivid dreams of myself having sex with women…

I would ask myself how horrible am I to think about having sex with women and being married to a man….

There is something about a woman’s body… the softness, the delicate features, the hidden strength…

So I was honest with my husband… I told him that there is THIS in me… we never mentioned swinging… threesomes or anything like that… not until March 2013…. but he knew….

But there was a battle always brewing inside me of what I liked or wanted to try but couldn’t… was afraid to venture out… to seek and see if it can be found… the battle between right and wrong… what I was taught… what I knew… what I wanted… what I felt I needed….

This battle doesn’t continue today… it has been replaced with an exploration mindset… I have found that I need to explore what is within me sexually… what fulfills me in a way that others may not understand… in ways that others may not get… and that is okay if they do not get it… I don’t get some of what turns them on… and again that is okay….

I don’t know what the answer to this all is… or even what the real question is… other than how do you know what you want to do sexually and how to explore it… but does that make your sexuality kinky? In many ways, yes it does… we are as sexually social adventurers or swingers already venturing into kink… swinging is a kink… so by venturing into these waters we have already moved into or found a kink…

When I decided to swing I also decided to venture further into the world of bisexuality. I wanted to explore those feelings and urges when we went on this adventure and I have enjoyed the exploration. I have enjoyed seeing more of what I want and need and desire……

I think I have realized more about myself and not just sexually since I began this adventure and I have a more positive self-esteem, confidence and freedom….

There is more to add to this topic.. but I am going to stop here because there is so much more I want to investigate in this topic… sure hope you all do too….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Hall Passes, Heaven or Hell? Part Five

I am not a person who is big on rules for LS things… I firmly believe it is necessary to figure out what works for you individually or as a couple… but when it comes to RULES that are standard across swingerville… that is not what I believe in… but we all need guidelines or starting points… yes, I like starting points… a place to start thinking about what you want to do or how to do it when it comes to being safe…. having fun… and being safe while having fun….

The STARTING POINTS below are not all from me… some of these starting points have come from conversations with others… from forum posts… from chats… so it is something that have been tried with various amounts of success… but it has to fit in with you… and your situation…

  •  How will you hall pass? 
    • both of you? 
    • just one? 
    • rare occasion? 
    • only when the other has a hall pass too?
    • once a year, every other month, every month, whenever it can happen?
    • can you hall pass without prior approval/meeting the other person/as in random hall pass while traveling
      • how often
      • when do you notify the spouse of the spontaneous hall pass?
      • do they even care to know? want to know?
    • only receive those with hall passes together? 
    • how do you decide who to hall pass with?
    • where to hall pass? 
    • how far away to hall pass? 
    • prior meeting of hall pass individual by both parties? 
    • blind hall passing?
    • overnight hall passing?
    • just a few hours to fuck and go?
    • anything else left unasked?
  • Safety Measures?
    • everyone meets first?
    • everyone plays together first?
    • spouse trusts you to be safe on your own (male or female)?
    • FirstName LastName (real ones), addresses, emergency contacts exchanged?
    • Spouse is on the phone with you the whole time?
    • check in texts or calls at specified times? 
    • Spouse is downstairs in the hotel in case of emergency?
    • verifying or vetting hall passee 
      • do they really have a hall pass?
      • do you need to verify this with the spouse?
      • do you know if you actually spoke with the spouse and not an impersonator?
      • have an escape measure if this person is not who they say they are?
      • have a plan of action if the spouse is not aware, the person you verified was not the spouse, and the spouse found out?
    • condom rule?
    • what to do about your heart? 
    • anything else left unasked?
  • Exit Strategy
    • what happens if only one of you wants to continue hall passes? 
    • what will you do if you still want hall passes and your spouse does not or vice versa?
    • can you go back to no hall passes for either of you or just one of you? 
    • what happens when a hall pass becomes more than a hall pass but a recurring relationship similar to poly?
As you can see… these are tough starting points… that is after you go passed the point of actually thinking you can or want to venture into hall passes…. 
Hall passes can be a fun, sexually charged activity… but with everything there are risks, responsibilities, and consequences… you have to go into all of this with your eyes wide open… your reality firmly intact…. and expectations and safety measures in place…. and when you do… you still have to leave room open for the unexpected….. 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Hall Passes, Heaven or Hell? Part Four

Hubby has a hall pass just as I do… he has tried to set some things in motion to use it with a vanilla girl…. and I found out on Friday that this isn’t an unusual situation…. someone else had a similar situation… so hmmm, this got me thinking…. about the thrill of cheating….

But hey…. didn’t I mention that hall passes are not opportunities to cheat…..That hall passes do not mean cheating…..

Well. Yes. I did. Hall Passes in Swingerville does not equate to cheating… HOWEVER… we are talking about the moment when swingers and vanillas meet… that awkward moment when you know you (the swinger) can flirt and follow through on your flirting… but you are flirting with a person believed to be a vanilla, hoping is a swinger yet to be identified as such… and well the results are nothing short of awkward… very awkward…. you don’t know where they stand and if you should divulge your swinger status… that is a risk for most… and then… you let on that you can in fact with your spouses blessing have sex with them….. and suddenly nothing happens…. they lose interest….

Here is something to consider…. there is a thrill of cheating…. I have never cheated on my husband before we began swinging and he has never cheated on me…. and we certainly haven’t cheated after we became swingers… because as swingers we don’t have to cheat… the beauty of swinging…

However, many vanillas enjoy the thrill of cheating or better yet the thrill the IDEA of cheating has on them… is addicting… they love the hunt, the chase, the conquering…. the thrill of being flirted with… someone wanting them… they love that… they love the idea of getting that person.. male or female depending… to choose them over their spouse….

They cannot grasp that as a swinger you are not choosing them over your spouse… your spouse and you have an understanding, an adventure shared…. a thrill to have sex with others while still enjoying a great marriage….. and when they find out that your spouse is on board with this all….

Well, let me tell you this little true story that happened with hubby…..

Hubby had been working with this person in another department on occasion… we will call her June for the sake of ease of telling a story….

June would come up to hubby and touch his arm, flirt with him, and it all started innocently… then she started talking about how she was in need of a good fuck… now this took place over a course of many months even go as far as saying it was more than a year…. she would ask him for a hug and he would oblige…  why because he could without fear his wife would be upset…. he was cautious because it was at work… and you know the rules of a work environment… but he was not a direct supervisor of this person, they did not work in the same department, just occasionally run across each other and she would initiate the flirting… then it progressed to her asking him to fuck her… about how bad she wanted hubby to fuck her and hubby responded in kind…. he did because he knew he could…

He would tell me the stories and finally enough was enough…. her flirting was out and out come-ons in the workplace and I did not want his job at risk if someone saw this… I told him it was time for her to put out or shut up…. he agreed…

He told her the next time she came on to him… that if she was serious about wanting to fuck him all she had to do was name the day and time… He told her that I would have to meet her first… and once I met her for dinner or drinks… all three of us together… then they (hubby and June) could immediately go fuck….

She was a little shocked and laughed it off… and then went on to finish her work… the next day she did the same little come-on and hubby stated the same thing.. but this time he went on and said that eventually I would probably want to have a threesome with June and hubby….

Again she was shocked and then she joked and said she may be interested and then went to do her work…

Then she gave hubby another come-on and he said… I already told you my wife is okay with this… all you have to do is meet her, that is our rule…. we meet the hall pass person if it is someone local and then we can play anytime you want…. we can play at your place, our place, or if you want a hotel…. she doesn’t have to be present for it… but if you want to have a threesome she is more than happy to have one with us….

Suddenly she had a boyfriend that was getting rather serious with her… hubby says, well since we are swingers.. if you all want to do a couple swap… we can do that as well.. (at this point, it was just a confirmation that she was ALL TALK AND NO ACTION…. )

She said her boyfriend uttered the words I love you to her last weekend and she didn’t think he would be up for the swapping….

She stopped flirting with him almost immediately…. the thrill of cheating…. the desire to be so desired to take them from their wife… to be unfaithful…. to chose them over the spouse….

When she saw that it wasn’t going to happen… she lost interest… it was a game… it was a thrill for a vanilla girl…. she just didn’t know she was playing games with someone who could take it all the way without guilt, without a jilted wife…. without drama….

Suddenly it wasn’t as much fun….

I think it is safe to say that most people whether guys or girls love to know someone wants them… the difference between vanilla and swingers…. vanillas,  most just tease…. swingers tease and please… without guilt….

That is the hall pass story for today….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia