Monthly Archives: March 2015

Can’t Discount the Benefits of a House Party

I have mentioned a number of time that I am so tired of first dates. I prefer meeting people at house parties or at clubs than on first dates. I really feel that the house party environment is one where people can enjoy themselves in a more relaxed manner. The pressure is off from the one on one dinner dates. Even if you just have drinks, you have that same pressure.

I mean what if they are so incredibly boring and you have to sit there praying the beverage time runs though quickly so you can get up and walk away… fast…

We attend house parties and we host house parties. I must say that hosting house parties are a favorite of mine, even more than just attending. There are some down sides to the hosting but overall there are more upsides than down.

I like being a  hostess in any capacity. This is an awesome time for me. We ahve the system down pat. I mean I could be on a phone call or 7.5 hours and still get the party prep work done. Of course, hubby helps a lot. The bottom line is that we have a system developed and it is an easy one at that and we can pull off a very nice looking and fun party.

I love being a hostess as I can pretty much do what I want in regards to going up to all guests and chat with them. I am the hostess and they would not be in my house if not for me. There is a few advantages to that if you think about it… no shyness there… they will greet me or I will greet them.

The best benefit of hosting a party is not having to drive home or leave the hotel before I got enough sleep.

There are some hidden benefits you may not think about… but it goes along the lines of being able to see how people are when they are in a party setting.

Now I am a person who does spend a considerable amount of time observing people and their behaviors… so the party situation is very fun for me…

We have at our parties a number of repeat guests… some of these repeat guests simply enjoy being in the ‘swinger’ environment. That is perfectly fine for me. I firmly believe no on HAS to play just because play is available. We enjoy having people who feel comfortable being in our home and around the other guests.

At every party there have been those who came to play and play they did. WE love that. We love having those who feel comfortable to play with us or to play with others while at our home.

I notice those who will not likely play at all in the party setting but will one on one. I notice those who will not play until they have been around us multiple times. And there are some that we will never play with but they feel comfortable playing with each other at the party.

The key is that there are many people who feel comfortable to do what they want in our home. And as a hostess that is the ultimate compliment.

I can also tell those who are ‘trouble’ or have the potential of being trouble. I am the type of person who will give the benefit of the doubt to people. I am not talking those who I have that gut feeling about and they won’t even make it to the party because the gut is screaming NO FUCKING WAY!

I am talking about those who have done or said something that gives me pause. The first time I will say, you know what… maybe that was a freak thing. The second time… let’s just say, you don’t get a third time.

I believe there is a fine line between being a gracious hostess and an idiot who allows others to walk over them.

That second chance is your time to do what is right rather than another stupid thing that will guarantee you will not have a third chance.

When you host any get together there is an opportunity for drama. When you host a swinger party, there is almost a guarantee that some drama will happen.

A newbie to swinging thinking they are called out for being soft swap when in fact all the person was doing is trying to place people with their corresponding profiles.

A couple who has one party jealous because someone else is enjoying their partner.

Someone who walks around freaking other guests out by their strange behavior and announcing what they do for a living.

Moving in on another couple (not husband and wife, but two play partners) and leaving one party out of the fun.

Bringing a spouse that is totally plastered upon arrival to the party so the spouse can begin to enjoy the party.

It is a party. But there is no reason to bring your ‘issues’ and ‘drama’ to the party.

That is why we like the party setting. We do not have to spend one on one time with these people. We can write them off our list of people we want to play with ever. We can write them off our guest list. We can let them know ‘sorry, but you are not welcome anymore’.

Now, I do not necessarily like to tell people these types of messages. But I will. I have.

And if you think I will take your side over my spouses on anything even if my spouse was wrong… Yeah, that happened.

Silly people.

I am not running a club. I am not hosting parties to make a profit. Hell, we do not charge for anyone to come to our parties. So no profit at all, not even a covering our expenses opportunity.

I don’t need you to come back and bring friends. I do not care if you are upset that we wont’ let you come to or return to our parties. I am serious… doesn’t bother me in the least. I am hosting these parties because I want to meet other swingers, develop friendships if they do, and have some swinger sex too. I want this without the hassle of first dates.

Which is a great benefit of house parties.

We have made friends at each of our house parties and those we have attended in the past. We have had those friends throughout our two years of swinging so far.

We have also let a few people go to the wayside. Two main categories… jealousy/insecurity/drama or limp/pillow princess. Oddly enough… those two categories tend to overlap a bit.

The largest is the jealousy/insecurity/drama bit… I swear that is so annoying to me. But as I said the house parties allows me to see a bit more into this behavior before we move to far along. It is not a guarantee of successfully identifying it, but that is more me giving to many benefits of the doubt. My bad.

I mention that I don’t like first dates. What I do love about the house parties are all the second dates we get from them. Yes, that is what we like. Whether it is a second date a week or so later or even months later. Or at the next house party. We love the fact that our house parties have opened up the opportunities to meet people in a relaxed atmosphere and then have a second date that is even better than the first.

Many people give me a hard time when talking about no first dates. They fail to listen carefully to all I am saying. If we can meet at a house party and then have a second date… takes care of the first date issues. Many believe that I am opposed to getting to know others.

We have had house parties that go until wee hours of the morning… sometimes all night and into the next day…

We have plenty of time getting to know others and hearing what they have to say about themselves and we share about ourselves. Granted many of the guests read the blog and learn about us that way… but there is still an opportunity to learn about how close I am to what I write in my blog… LOL…

When you are able to break through the first date pressure you are able to get to know them better. See how they are when they are with others in a group… and how they make their intentions known…

That is one of the most interesting things about the parties… seeing how people make their moves. Those moves for that night or those moves for a second meeting. It is a lot of fun and exciting to watch…

I have found that meeting people in this manner gives me a better look at who they are. A few folks on the forums agree with me… They get to know the person not the profile. They get to know the person and not the older pictures on their profile… and then they can decide who they are interested in – in real time and not through things that don’t matter as much.

As one person put it very nicely… “if they are hot and act down to earth, I want them. If they are hot and act like an asshole, I want to run away from them. At a party I can.”

I write this as tonight we are heading to TN to meet up with a couple that came to our party last weekend. We are meeting for dinner and play time at their home. We hit it off last weekend before we played and after we played we still wanted to meet up again. It is very fun how that works… just one of many examples of how you can’t discount the benefits of a house party…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Embracing Your Preferences

Well, been a while since I have written. I tell you what, with the busy week I have had I just couldn’t get a thought down during this time. Been very busy doing all kinds of things… birthdays, business start up, swinging… yep… had some swinging fun in there..

This will be a very short post. Why? Because I think it is a strong post. And I would love to find out what you think about the topic of this post…

Why do you choose a preference you cannot embrace?

Why do you choose a preference you do not want anyone to know about?

Why are you embarrassed by your preference, it is your choice to choose that preference?

Why do you choose a preference you believe you are being called out for because someone asks you a question to clarify the preference?

Why do you get upset and your feelings hurt when someone is asking you about your preference?

Seems you have a lot of thinking to do and some heavy decisions to make if you cannot embrace your preferences and yet hope to enter into the swing lifestyle.

If you cannot have a conversation about your preference with another swinger without getting upset by the whole thing, then maybe you are not quite ready to swing.

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure and embracing your preferences…

Sophia

 

 

A Question About “Why Would I Write My Profile For You?”

I was on chat and someone asked me why I wrote in my last post about writing a profile for someone else not you?

Sexual pleasure by your self is masturbation.

Sexual pleasure with your spouse is marital bliss.

Swinging requires other people.

You can use your hand or a toy to masturbate.

You can ask your spouse to have sex with you – kinda like a captive audience type of thing… and your spouse will most likely have sex with you with little wooing…

But in order to swing, you have to make yourself attractive and interesting. They have to want to meet you. Or you are not swinging. You are sitting there on one side of the computer screen looking at profiles of people who are either swinging or sitting there just like you.

In case you are wondering, I am in a wonderful mood today. I am not trying to be snarky, bitchy, or mean.

I am speaking honestly.

While the numbers are uncertain, many people who are on the swing sites will never swing with another person. They may email, chat, post in forums, or even text others talking a great game, but they will never swing.  And many of them will never leave their homes for a swinging activity.

During our first year I became some what of an expert on ED – the chronic kind. And remember I am a girl. I had seen more limp dicks in my first 6 months of swinging than I ever had… and in fact, I hadn’t seen limp dicks in this manner before I began swinging.  Yes, I had seen a limp dick that was limp as in its natural state of being.. but never had a man who was in a sexual situation not become hard when it was time for it to be hard. Never had that problem with hubby. So I talked about it on the forums and was attacked…. OMG was I attacked on one site and then when the topic came up on another site… the reaction was mixed… but more women were willing to say “Hey look, I have had 17 play dates and 17 guys with limp ass dicks…” Beautiful women, average women, small women, large women, nice women, outspoken women, it didn’t matter women were having this issue… Then in person the topic would come up… Limp dicks were everywhere…

So on one forum post someone else asked me to start for her… this one guy came on the thread and tried to tell us that women faking orgasms were just as bad as a man with chronic ED playing as a swinger.

The thing you must know about this guy, he was on the forums all the time spouting off as an expert. However, we found out that he was not a real swinger as in he had never had one swinger adventure of any type… we found that out because we asked him and he told us.

I find this amazing that this man would go on and on about how horrible we women were upset about men who know there is nothing they can do to get hard lying to us and planning a date only to demand a pity party when what he knew would not happen happened…

And then to tell us that women faking orgasms was the same thing.

I personally think a better image would be if our vagina’s sealed up and the guy couldn’t get entrance at all. That would demonstrate a similar ‘thing’ – a cock that can’t get hard enough to enter the vagina and a vagina that seals itself up…

The point of all this… a man who sat behind his computer and spouted off a great deal of ‘insight’ on swinging never swung.

He wanted to appear like a swinger and in the know of how to swing… yet had not swung yet.

We look at those types of people with a bit of confusion as we do not get why they want to tell us all how to swing when they do not have any idea on how to swing.

Some of the profiles you see on the sites are similar. They spout off to me and all who read the profile what we need to do to make your selection process.

Yet not one thing tells me why you are so worth me shaving what I don’t want to shave, looking how you want me to look not how I want to look, being who I am not who you want me to be….

Some of us who read the words written tend to read what is written and take it at face value. Some of us who read the words written tend to read the ’emotion’ set forth in the written word.

Something as simple as “We are an attractive, educated, well to do couple who is madly in love with each other. We are not looking to replace each other, have no time for drama, and have the best sex life ever” can send the wrong message.

When I read something like that… here is what my brain says to me…. “What a conceited asshole.”

Why does my brain say that to me? Because my brain has processed the pictures of the couple (if there were some pictures) and thought, they are not ‘got hit by a mack truck and survived ugly, but damn their definition of attractive is not mine.’

Let’s be honest. Not every single person who swings is attractive. You may put me in that category if you want… but I never claimed I was a beauty icon… but then again, I do not go around saying… ‘Look at me, I am Sophia and I am SOOOO Attractive’.

Because my brain has decided that you are not attractive and you claim you are… that you are delusional. I am sorry, but that really does happen. I look at you and your description of you and your spouse’s attractiveness does not seem to match up.

Then you go on about how educated you are… really? An truly educated person does not have to brag about their intelligence. It is obvious. And the fact that this odd profile is the best you can come up with does not support your claim of intelligence.

The references to your income level… well, sometimes those who think they have money and act like they have money have less money than those who do not show off or brag about their income levels… just saying…

also just saying… money has never been able to overcome an insufferable bore…. no matter how much money you have… and unless you are gifting me your fortune… why does your money matter to me…

I have never understood why people mention that which they do not want as if they are not tempting fate by mentioning it… And to be very honest.. we have dealt with a helluva lot of drama from profiles who declare ‘we are drama free-we expect you to be too’…. Seriously… all those who have presented drama had that in their profile in some form or fashion…

Instead of declaring it… why not fix what is causing it…

We did have one couple that displayed some drama… I happened to be out of the room at the time… but they realized they let out some drama, got dressed and left. Then they apologized for it.

OMG they acknowledged they caused drama and apologized for it…. How very mature… I am being very serious here.. they were being very mature…

The bit about loving each other and not wanting to replace each other… a good number of folks believe that and live that…

However, we have been around couples where this is not the case… I am serious… I will not go into details here… but I could write a 5,000 word minimum post on this topic alone and still have much more to write about…

See how this is not really what I want to read… there ain’t shit in those statements that make me want you.. in fact, it could be considered swinger repellent…

And telling me to be shaved no matter how clever you state it is still rude… as if you have any say in my personal grooming… is someone less of a person because they do not shave their genital bald? BTW, I do happen to shave… but not because someone forces me too… it is my decision… but I have to wonder if you ever wondered how many people who do shave find that ‘order’ repulsive.

I do not know why people say they are discreet and you be too… Is that really necessary to say to people when you are do a google search of profile names and see how discreet they are? And you know what you can do… the next time you see that in the profile, google their profile name… dare ya… discreet is a myth in the world of the internet… and sweetie if you are on the internet on a sex site and trying to get you some piece of ass… there ain’t no such thing as discreet….

There are many points I could go on to make… but my hope is that you will see how this is not the warm and fuzzy crap that makes a cock hard or a pussy wet… nipples hard… or other signs of attraction…

And you know what… I am sick of people saying how else will I know I want to have sex with these people.

I am going to ask you something… as honest as I can…

When you had your first bit of attraction to another person… when you were a mere teenager or whenever your first time was… did you go down a list of

  • job
  • education
  • shave or hair
  • height
  • weight
  • sentence structure – yes, someone told me once that they reject people if they can’t write a proper sentence
  • hair color
  • hair length or if they even have hair
  • bi status
  • and so on….

My guess is when the first bits of sexual feeling happened you went with it… you decided… hell my cock or pussy can’t be wrong…

Well, maybe it was… but as teenagers we were more willing to go by feeling on this… we were less likely to think ourselves out of sex.

Believe it or not married couples do this too… they think themselves out of sex…

Now, there is nothing wrong with thinking about who you are going to have sex with before you bare your ass and take it hard…

What I am saying… back when we were teenagers and stupid in most aspects of life… we went by feeling a bit more… we let things happen… friendships and lovers.. even if young love… we made ourselves interesting to others and we tried to see others for more than their statistics…

Yet when we are older and wiser we act stupider.

There is one guy on chat that always talks about school girl anal… and most of the girls on the chat that he is saying this too have told him repeatedly that we are not into school girl anal… as in dressing up as a school girl and getting it in the ass… I for one am not a costume wearing girl… I love anal but not so much the costume and role playing… we began tuning him out… then we started getting a bit pissed at him for using that on us and not listening to us…

And that is the crux of this situation in my opinion. It isn’t about what others want to know about me… or what I want to know about them… it is all about me… but wait… it is NOT all about me in this aspect… Pay attention here…

It is all about me finding the way to reach those who are most likely to connect with us…

It is all about me finding a way to communicate what I want at an appropriate time and place and manner.

It is all about me selling others on why they will benefit being with me… meeting me… have sex with me or being friends with me…

You can set boundaries.

You can set rules and preferences and desires.

You can get to know people without throwing all your rules right away…

The secret of that is to build an interest…

Consider the new Apple Watches coming out or any Apple product.

You get just a little bit and then a while later you get a little bit more and then when they have your interest and you are scheduling in your calendar when they will be out… they fill you in on the details..

Try writing a profile to attract me… to make me want you…

And then when we start sending emails, private chatting, IMing or other rules you have..

Then start talking about what you like and don’t like… and if you find out you are not as attracted to them as you first thought… then back off slowly and nicely…

Just saying… We are close to 13,000 page views per day on SLS… we have about 38 left to go…

I may know a bit of what I am talking about…

Sophia

Now from the time we are born, our parents are teaching us it is not all about ME…

We are told to share, we are given boundaries, we are told other people exist… and we learn social skills to function in life…

Yet suddenly as we swing we seem to forget that it is not all about ME if I want to do more than get myself off…

If I want to play well with others, I need to attract others to me… I need to make them want me and want to get to know me…

How can I do that if I repel them from the get go…

Must Have Been Something I Wrote….

I wrote a few days ago about profiles and the angst I have when reading them as many of the profiles turn me off of them… causes me to loose interest in meeting them.

I have gotten a boat load of contact from people asking me about their profiles. What do I think about their profiles and what should they do about them to make them better.

I have also noticed a huge jump in views on our profile. Could it be because others were wanting to read our profile or was it because they saw our profile showcased on the post… I am not sure, but we did get an enormous increase in profile views.

So what you say?

I agree with you that it is not the most important thing in the world… but if you are a swinger and you are wanting to actually swing… you need to meet people. And if you need to meet people you need to have a hook to make them want to meet you. And if you need a hook to bring them in… then you fix your profile and/or pics and you can do wonders in meeting folks… because… and here is the kicker…

Because people want to meet you…

Here is where most people get hung up… they think the profile is all about them… written all about them… and for them… and it is not…

My profile is written for you… whoever YOU are…

Your profile should be written for ME… and all the MEs you want to meet. And let’s ask this very important question… Do you want to meet others??????

I am not gonna lie… writing some positive press about yourself is not easy. That is why people who need press releases written about themselves do not write them. They hire someone who can see in a more objective manner the good, the bad, and the very naughty about you… in regards to the swinger profile at least.

We all know that we get tired of hearing how wonderful someone is if that is all the profile is about just as much as we get tired of hearing of all the ‘things’ they hate about other people… there has to be a happy medium… Don’t you want to find the happy medium… the profile that is going to attract the people you want to meet…

So how do you craft a perfect profile?

Well first of all, forget about the profile being perfect.

It won’t be.

So don’t try.

Just make the profile better. Engaging. Real. Funny. And you can do all that in one profile. Honest.

It isn’t hard.

Go ahead and try this easy idea.

TALK TO ME. Write as if you are talking to me… not telling me that I don’t measure up based on my impression of your message…

Talk to me like you WANT ME TO WANT TO MEET YOU!!!!

When crafting your profile consider talking to me. Act as if you are going to be talking to me in person.

Okay, maybe you don’t want to talk to me. But how about someone else that you want to impress.

You may want to go back to me instead… here is why…. not my ego… but because you don’t want to waste time trying to figure out who you want to talk to about your profile… about you…

So pick me and let’s get on with it. No procrastination… sexies are waiting…

Here you go.

Tell Sophia 3 things about you that are incredible.

Not your spouse. YOU.  About you.

Come on… there has to be at least 3 things you want others to know about you…

Dig deep and you will be half way to impressing the shit out of me and everyone else…

For example, here is a little fact that may not be widely known. Before I colored my hair blond for the first time, I was more introverted than I wanted to be… afraid to be bold and talk to people. However, after I colored my hair for the first time I had found an inner strength to go forth and chat… I also found I got hit on a lot and I was not even in the ball park of being a swinger… or thinking of swinging… Yet, it opened many doors for me to be bold and more extroverted. Which was great practice for many years later when I began swinging….

Now those who have met me may have a harder time believing this from me because I do not appear introverted much at swinger gatherings… but those who do not know me may feel a connection to the moment when they decided to be bold… or those who want to be bolder may look for their ‘blond’ moment to make them bolder…

See what I did there… I built a connection or the potential for a connection in just what I wrote… I opened up and allowed the potential for a connection to happen… isn’t that what we want to happen with swinger profiles…

Now that you have your 3 things about you that make you incredible… go ask your spouse for their 3 things.

Now if you are truly single, you don’t have to do this… if your spouse doesn’t know you have a profile page on a sex site… go break the news to him/her now and get their input…

Then ask each other the moment you knew you wanted to swing… and why?

And then recall the best swinger story you have…. the first swinger story you have… some awesome swinger story you have… Don’t have one yet… well what the hell are you waiting for…

Oh, I know, you are waiting for someone to read your profile and get a connection started because they will follow your lists of negative and demeaning stipulations in your profile…

Guess what… you may want to go back to the action plan of finding interesting stories to tell…

And you have the elements of one kick-ass profile…

Consider this little profile example… please know this is all made up… not mine and hubby’s experience and it is not anyone that I am aware of… I am making it all up following the guidelines I have set up in this post… but if some of the things written in this profile makes you think of something you may have told me since I first started communicating with you… umm… sorry.. but you see in my brain I stored a lot of little tidbits from people and sometimes the combination of all these little tidbits…. well they come out in a very creative manner… but please don’t ask me to catalog who gave me which bit… I am doing to deny, deny, deny…

Here it goes…

Twelve years ago I met an incredible lady who was extremely sexy and captured my heart right away. I believed there was nothing else in this world I could ask for… yet, here we are… our desire for variety in our sexual experiences together and a part have brought us a number of exciting adventures.

On a recent bike ride, I stopped at an overlook and was appreciating the view when two beautiful women on bikes stopped. A man’s dream come true. They chatted with me and I of course had to flirt with them both. They stayed engaged in the conversation and the flirting became hotter. My wife happened to call at that moment and I told her that I was lucky to be chatting with two very hot women. The women beside me blushed and loved the attention I gave them. I asked one of them to talk to my wife on the phone. Yet, they didn’t know she was my wife at the time. My wife got on the phone and asked them if they would want to meet us for drinks tonight. Thank goodness it was a Saturday night.

After a bit of convincing of these women that she was in fact my wife, it was okay to meet, and all it really was was a drink… they agreed to meet us later at the bar.

A few hours later, my beautiful wife dressed up looking hot and me, just hoping to keep up with the lovely women I was to meet… we arrived at the bar and saw both women. And their partners.

We had no idea that they were married, nor that they were all swingers. We hit a swinging jackpot. We had drinks, got to know each other better, danced, drank, laughed, and talked. Then we headed to a hotel to see what other trouble we could get into.

My wife has the ability to talk to anyone and convince them of anything. She is lively, smart, and easy to get to know. She loves life and all that it has to offer. Of the two of us, she is the beacon that causes others to want to be near us. As you can tell by the story… I don’t do too bad myself. Must have been the bike shorts I tell you.

If you are interested in seeing what the night will bring, send us an email, IM us or visit us on chat. We love to travel and will set up a weekend trip if the chemistry is begging for us to do so.. you know how it is.

We like to be outdoors as well as hanging out indoors… so if you would like to get to know us a bit more nilla than swingerish for our first time out… please don’t hesitate to suggest something. You never know what we may experience together. If you are interested and you read this far… go ahead and ask to see our private pictures… we want to be an open book you will want to dive into.

Oh, so let’s break this profile down a bit… I think it has all the elements a good profile has…

  • it was covered – they are attractive, the female is hot and the man isn’t too bad himself. But hey, this time it was done a bit differently
  • they are laid back, easy going, go with the flow type of people – actually show how they are this way…
  • they do hall passes
  • they like to flirt, dance, laugh, talk, drink alcohol, and hit bars.
  • they will make the first move
  • the wife is a swinger too
  • they really aren’t shy
  • they travel
  • like being outdoors
  • can do things indoors
  • will play on the first date
  • have pics of both of them
  • open to pretty much anything
  • they like to be friends – first even – or at least try to be friends
  • have money
  • educated – she is smart reference – he can write a profile… LOL
  • they are married or at least together for 12 years…
  • they have a great sex life but like the variety swinging brings…
  • have we covered all the overly used and trite words in most profiles yet?????

So what were his three things… biking, dancing, flirting, traveling, outdoorsy – so that is more than three… but hey.. they are nice things nonetheless…

Her three things.. loves dancing, meeting people, approachable, and engaging… how about persuasive…

The best story they could tell… the meeting of two lovely women who happen to talk to Mrs and meet up with their swinger hubbies at the bar… I am certain they got the hint when the wife is willing to take hubby’s word they were hot and she asked them to meet at a bar… yeah you know how swingers are… we are always wanting to convert nillas….

Seriously folks… it is not hard to write a profile like you are wanting to meet others… like you want them to want you… like you have a side of  you other than the jack-ass side, boring side, non-original side of you your profile is sharing right now…

And for all that is good in the world… do not write… what the Mr thinks of the Mrs and what the Mrs thinks of the Mr… Love is blind and all that… ponder that for a while and see if you understand what I mean…

I will leave you with some words of encouragement… from Brendon Burchard’s Motivation Manifesto – “Why, having been endowed with the courageous heart of a lion, do we live as mice?”

Go forth and be the lion you are in writing your profile… and if you think I am talking directly to you… I AM…

Sophia

Play or Conversation – That Is The Question

According to Plato – You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Hubby found this quote and wow… I thought it went well with some of my recent blog posts… Makes you wonder if Plato was a swinger (thanks Beau for that bit)…. You know me – giving credit where credit is due…

I am sure Plato had a different definition of play… you know maybe Olympic style play… but when you see some of the pictures taken… I bet you are thinking some swingers do it Olympic style…

The quote from Plato makes one wonder if he was correct and if it could be placed in the context of swinging with out much problem… and you know what… even if I was an ALWAYS FRIENDS FIRST swinger… I would think that it would be a great motto to go by…

For the record… I have friends first, friendships started with a play date, friendships after a play date, friendships without playing and not sure if we ever will meet up to play, and you will always be a friend and nothing more…. see I am flexible in my ‘friend’ thing… and this if for Beau – Friends are different than the commonly used word friend to describe the feeling of being sorta acquaintances in order to get in your pants because that is what everyone wants and so few do… I will say, I have only a few Friends from the LS, true Friends…. and that is okay… it is quality not quantity in this situation… oh, almost forgot… the category of friend that has friended himself/herself out of ever being a play partner…

Here is why… in case you forgot in my recent rant of defining friends… a great motto to go by…..

Let’s say you have a checklist of what you must do to determine if the person is friend material.

  • at least reasonably attractive – but shooting more for hot – even if hotter than me – because oddly enough I put higher expectations on hotness from others than myself… because even though I am not “THAT” hot –  I have an attitude of being hotter than I am…. (not being mean here… but this is the attitude many swingers have in the lifestyle… if you don’t believe me ask me for my research on this topic.. there is a lot of it and not just my own…LOL)
  • well – to – do so they can keep up with what we want to do in the ‘friend’ world as well as the nilla world and the swinger world – and if they happen to have a vacation home/boat/the desire to impress and pay for our dinners/drinks/fun… so be it
  • have to have a decent personality – if they don’t can’t be friends – and this means they have to be very funny but not obnoxious, they have to be smart but not talk down to me – they have to be nice but not too nice or they are boring – they have to know what they want but not tell me what I need to do – I am saving that for me to do….
  • must email 5 times at least – both of them to both of us – do not want the other people to like anyone else more than me… I also need to know all that they share – despite that fact I could ask my own spouse about the conversations and trust they will tell me the truth…
  • must text all four of us at the same time – see above because with texting you can send pics… and don’t forget to note that you could share the one pic sent to one of you between the two of you…
  • must video call twice – this is to make sure that you look like your pictures because no one will think it awkward if you get on cam and then you do not look like your pictures and even if you subtract the 10 pounds the camera put on and forgive the sweat pants and ratty t-shirt and the lack of makeup…. what are you going to say to them… sorry you are just too real and not pretty enough to meet… HOW AWKWARD IS THAT….
  • must meet for drink – no more than 30 minutes first time – second meet is no more than 1 hour – because if you bore us in the first 30 minutes we will get up and walk out the door… and hey wait even if you are fun to be with we are still going to get up and walk out at 30 minutes… don’t try to make us stay 31 minutes….
  • must appear how the do online in person – no wait – even better – this is just in case you had stand ins doing your video chat both times… (just wondering if they happen to give you a list of what you can wear and what you cannot wear on this date so they can see that you look similar to the cams…
  • must understand that just because we are friends doesn’t mean we will have sex – EVER……… so many reasons and since this is all about us and not you… we won’t tell you why you are not good enough to get naked and have sex… we would rather string you along… we love people wanting us so much they will do all we say… seems like you may be one of those if you have gone along with what we demand this far….
  • must have at least one vanilla date before one LS date but no full swapping on the first date – to see if you are worthy of our time without embarrassing us in public…

You think I am being mean…. I am not. I have seen so many of these lists of various forms and fashion in the TWO YEARS AS OF TODAY that we have been swingers… I kid you not… We had one tell us that because we do not like sushi (we live in the middle of mountains not on a coast near fresh seafood) we had to meet at the hotel and then we could go to separate restaurants, spend this amount of time there and then meet back at the hotel to play…. Yeah, when he wrote that… I questioned a few things… like his sanity… I will admit… I was blunt, to the point, a bit snarky… and laughing like the bitch I could be when someone thought that would be acceptable to anyone let alone me…. I admit I let it go a little further than I normally would because not only were we 3 weeks in the LS but I was curious as to what else the rules would entail… never had any intention of actually meeting them… but I was in the mood for a little fun…. but when I was told that I could NOT touch him in any way whatsoever but could play with her only… and she could play with me and hubby… and he could play with her… but only when she allowed it… and that he wanted to meet me alone sometime during the day when he traveled in my town… OMG…. that is too fucking funny… I am laughing while telling hubby the fun I had making him think I wanted that and then unleashed my inner bitch…

See guys, I write from my experiences personally experienced and that which people share with me…and you know what… so many people share these things with me… as experiences they have and as new experiences we both share….

But let’s say the ‘ALWAYS FRIENDS FIRST’ couples meet all the criteria and the hoops have been jumped through and you make that decision to play…..

What happens when the pressure to be all you want them to be is so intense the sex sucks??????

The pressure to be everything makes him and her less than perfect. They are so worried about the results they forget about the journey they should be enjoying….

Yeah, that happens a lot actually…

Expectations set is bad enough.

Expectations set too high is worse.

Expectations set to high and reality coming in at a normal level or below… shatters everyone…

And who’s fault is it?

I won’t answer that question and let you ponder it a bit…. I would be very curious to hear your answers.. please let me know however you want to let me know… I am serious… please let me know…

Now let’s say you and your spouse decide who to get to know/play with in a manner something like this…

  • Decent pic… wonder what they look like in real life… you know not everyone takes good pics all the time… let’s read the profile to see what they are like..
  • Profile is pretty cool… not many rules, preferences, you gotta be and do this to make us happy… more information about what they like to do… sounds like fun…
  • Oh hey, look they are online and open to IMs… let’s IM and see what they are like…
  • OMG, they are hilarious… they sound fun… wanna invite them to a party or something…
  • Hey wanna go to this party and meet us there… Yeah, great… how fun…
  • At the party, OMG, you guys are just like you appear. I am having so much fun…
  • Wanna make out…
  • Wanna play…
  • Oh YES…
  • And then they hang out in vanilla world and LS world because they took a chance, found much in common and didn’t stress much because it was a lot of fun to let it happen naturally.

I use the above as an example… because you know what… we have had a number of scenarios like that… and yes… sometimes it took more than the 5 minutes to read the scenario for it to play out… but when it did play out… oh my…….

We have avoided those who have the first checklist after we ran across so many profiles who did this. The first one got too detailed in what we were to do and how to do it to just meet… the second one is a funny now that we aren’t going through it story… but we didn’t meet either of these people.. and that was in the first weeks/months of meeting them online. But this happens all the time….

My point in all this is sometimes it is better to keep what you WANT/NEED on the down low and just share about yourself…. and your spouse… tell a story of why you swing, what you want from swinging… but not by listing rules or do this – do that chants…

I know what I am talking about…

Here is a screenshot of our SLS profile page…. Check out the number of page views that is reflective of how many we have each day to keep up at that level of page views… and we don’t live in a highly populated swinger area…. and because it is a bit blurry…. it is 12,845.  Yeah, that is a lot of page views every day….

sls

Not all of our pictures are open to folks so it is not like they are just peeking and getting off from the naughty pics that are in the locked galleries…

And they do read our certs and see that we are a lot of fun…

And they read our profile…I have posted our profile on another blog post a while back.. won’t repost it right now… maybe another time… and we get emails all the time, and IMs and Chats about how cool our profile is… the best they ever read because they walk away hard and wet and knowing a bit about us…. rather than seeing how they do not measure up…

When they meet us they see that we are just like we say we are…

There is some nervousness, fear, excitement, anticipation and all those other nice fun things to have… but usually after the first few minutes around us/me as I seem to cause fear in others more than hubby does… they see that I really am a lot of fun, easy to get to know, flirty, making them relax… because the person they wanted to know is who they are getting to know…

But how can you do that if they do not know what you are like from your profile?

At some time in our 2 years of swinging…. we have met a couple through chatting with them first and then we met them at a party. We didn’t look at their profile because we had been chatting with them and found out more about them than their profile could tell us. We did look at a few pics of them and gave them the benefit of the doubt that they ‘likely’ take bad pics… we meet them at the party and they are not like they appeared online… they were much more interesting online and that was not saying a whole lot. One part of the couple acted ‘so much better than the rest of us’ and that was a bit of a turn off… they appeared friendlier online than they did in person. The pics were accurate… which wasn’t really that good of a thing… we were hoping against hope they looked better than their pictures… all in all we had a okay time… but nothing to make me want to have sex with them and even less to want to have a conversation with them. We checked out their profile and read the list of dos and don’ts that they had and compared it to what they presented online and what they presented in person.  We were glad we met at a party and could wander to meet others… so very happy… OMG so happy….

We found that the manner in which a person writes their profile does demonstrate so much about them and often it comes across as negative. In writing and well folks… how’s this for honesty… in person… YEP… there you have it… a person who writes out all their rules because it is more important to control folks who contact them will be that way in person… they are not really easy going and laid back… they are so not… I cannot express this enough… they are not easy going and laid back… they want spectacular experiences without offering anything that is spectacular themselves… it is a horrible way to swing… and we know it is for them… as they have few experiences and complain that they have few experiences… and the ones they do are not what they are wanting… and the others are not good enough for them…. OH YEAH… they say that shit to me… all the while thinking … sweetie… you are so not going to get in my pants… how many more minutes until I am done talking to you… you are bringing me down….

How can this be I asked myself? How can  people who WANT to meet others and PLAY with others (if that is in fact your end game) make it so hard to find others who want to play with or even meet them?

I am not kidding… I wonder about this all the time…. I know the answer but I don’t know how to share this effectively…

I read those emails of people who rave about our profile being so cool, the best profile ever, and all kinds of gushing things…and I wonder what are they thinking when I read their profile…

Why are so many people coming across as negative in their profiles?

Why do you have to list all that you do not like about yourself? What makes you think we will like it anymore than you if you point it out? I am serious… I cannot tell you the last time I cared about a stretch mark you have when I have my own. I am sorry but it is pretty much a given if you gave birth you have stretch marks.

If you are more than 20 years old you have wrinkles of some sort… or grey hair… or heaven forbid cellulite or extra weight… HELLO… few people are absolutely perfect… why on earth are you pointing out your flaws…

Why not tell me about you that is good… that is fun… that is worth getting to know… unless I get off cataloging everyone’s flaws (which I do not) I couldn’t give a shit about your flaws…

I do not need to know what you like to have – the smallest details about what you like or don’t like…

Hear me out…

I do not do ALL I LIKE TO DO SEXUALLY with every single person I meet.

I do not expect to do ALL I LIKE TO DO SEXUALLY with every single person I meet.

Sometimes you put too much information out there and you scare off people or annoy people with all your rules that would like to do the same things you do… with you…

You appear overly negative, hard to please, hard to make happy, too demanding, too needy, too…. too much for many to handle for even a few minutes to be the friend let alone want to play with you…

Now you will probably say… well people still contact us…

Great… how many of them  (are/have) 1. read your profile? 2. Care what your profile says? 3. Plan on being your friend after they play with you? 4. Love the challenge you just put out there?

You may not believe this… but some people get off on a challenge… they like to see if you will play on the first date if you say you won’t. They like to see you devastated because after you finally give into them after being friends they leave you high and dry… because they like to make you feel bad afterwards by telling you in a variety of ways… umm you are not worth my friendship… you were just a pussy or cock for me…

People can talk a good game… seem like the best friend you can have, gain your trust and then get what they want and then leave you… maybe not in overt ways, but they are subtle about it… don’t want anyone to think they are just swinging for the sex you know… they will be busy from now on when you want to meet… they will ignore your emails or texts pretending they didn’t see them or were busy and forgot to respond…

How do I know this? I read blogs, forums, chats, texts, and hear in person these stories… we have seen people do this with us…

Most of the time them acting this way has been a huge favor to us because they did the dirty work, appeared to be the bad guy/girl/couple… and we breath a sigh of relief when we are no longer forced to deal with them anymore…

We hear of people that have been friends for a long time with someone they wanted to play with… it just never gotten to that point where the friendship turned to playing.

All kinds of reasons for it…

We have had people ask me to start forum threads on this topic… about when they have friends that have moved from potential play mate to no way in hell will I play with them… no longer attracted to them… or friends and played once and never want to play with them again because they are not very good at the sex part and they would rather not have those benefits anymore. And there are those situations where they live close to them, do not want to have sex with them and if the truth be told, no longer want to be friends with them anymore but they are stuck with them because of locale and public knowledge they are friends…

Sheesh…

Guess Plato was right… You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation…. maybe there is a happy medium…

Sure hope you find that happy medium…

Sophia

A “Friend’ly Story….

This morning I have struggled to get motivated. The time change in the Spring sucks… Thank goodness I work from home… I already struggle from bouts of insomnia and well this damn change has messed me up… and my best sleep comes between 7 – 8 am which had been between 6 – 7… damn time change…

I am at a point in my ‘current’ position where I hate everything everyone does… and that is because I am venturing into a new ‘thing’ and trying to work on both, but my heart is not in the old, it wants the new… Yep, you can put that into a swinger context if you want… I did… there is an excitement for the new and shiny… a great deal of excitement… just look at all those who have tried to woo all the newbies in the lifestyle… let them know what you want them to be like… and all that… I remember all those first dates we had in the very beginning… told over and over how to be and what to like and well…

In case you just met me through this blog… ummm that won’t work so well with me….

You want to sway me of some new way or your way of thinking you have to do it very smoothly… flirt and demonstrate why your way will make me so happy…

This past weekend with the time change and our son at home and a pending 4 hour round trip to take him back to school… we turned down an invitation to a last minute house party…

DAMN TIME CHANGE…

But I do not regret the trip the next day… we were celebrating my birthday early.. and I loved every moment of that day…. very worth the vanilla moments I had… because when it comes down to it… I love my family more than I do swinging… and in case anyone thought otherwise… when my boys come home I am in heaven… I love having them home… I love being with them and being mom…

But it doesn’t mean I am not excited when they go back home and I can host in my home again…

I tell you what… I love hosting at home… And more than just house parties… there is something very fun and relaxing for me to have others come to my home and make them feel comfortable.. and then when the fun begins.. there is something great about having all that you need to have there instead of in a hotel room…

So for the Friendly story…

I am working on this new venture… the premise is simple but the details are well detailed…

I have been working on all different parts of this business plan in an organized to me but not necessarily to others.. but when I am writing the main plan and come up with the process. I will write it in the overall plan then open up a new document and develop that process in full, then because of how that is developed I look at the budget again and figure out the changes in what the new processes will cause… when to bring someone in, how much to start… which bring up the whole idea of and need to fine tune the application process…. all the while trying to develop a lead list, marketing, do the marketing… and so many other things at once…

Well, what started out as three people interested in venturing forth has changed over time and while there are still three people in, the path this is taking is very different from the beginning. It is very different from what I envisioned… and believe me I am not saying this is a bad thing…

I believe it shows my adaptability. And for a girl who is often accused of being too opinionated, always thinking she is right, and having too high of expectations… this is a good quality to demonstrate.

I need people around who will take a moment and do something. Take action. Be honest. Be forthcoming.

So imagine my surprise when I find myself thinking of how I was going to venture forth in certain aspects…

This was in the very beginning of the process… before the first major changes happened to the plan… I needed to have someone who I could trust to oversee the payroll and incoming monies aspect of it…

Are you wondering why this is being discussed on a blog about swinging?

Well, here it is…

Life is funny. It makes no sense sometimes who you meet, why you meet them, and what you can get from them…

And what I mean by what you can get from them…. is not as horrible as it sounds…

I am not talking a piece of ass, a bit of pussy, or anything really sexual…

I am talking about what you can get from them is a relationship that is a bit deeper than ‘oh, nice ass… can I suck your pussy?’ Or ‘awesome cock shot… can you pound me hard?’

Sometimes you find that you are deeply involved in the going ons of their life.. you find that you are invested in them and they are too you…

This is not the type of relationship that you are more invested than they are of you… or them into you and you not so much…

This is an odd relationship of ebbs and flows… and in this particular case,  you are not even in the same town, state, or time zone… there is nothing that happens face to face at this point that makes you have a bond… it is the truest form of friendship…not based on what you can physically receive from them.. but more like you are able to trust them to whatever extent you need to trust them…

Here is the thing… you are not able to define in words why this connection happens. There is no list to follow… there is nothing that is able to be identified as the whole process of what works…

One day I asked her to read a business plan I am working on to give me an honest review of ‘does it make sense?’ I know what it is supposed to say and sometimes I can read more into what I am trying to say than what I wrote… She reviewed it and gave me honest comments. She is not in the industry that I am focusing on and I had explained enough for her to know what I am talking about… that is a good thing…

I know of her current position and asked her if she would be interested in possibly doing this as well… I am purposely leaving out those details… I had no idea what is happening with her current position and she didn’t really know either.. yet… but this opportunity is coming for both of us at an opportune moment…

It isn’t something that is going to be ‘right now’ as I am still working on these things diligently, but it is not something that can be done immediately.

Her time table is similar to the time table of this venture and well that is really cool how that works.

The area in which I need her is one that she did as a part of her current position… it is a part of which there are many ‘online’ products that help with that area to make it very easy for us all…

But more than that… I need someone I can trust…

Yet, I have never met her in person. Ever.

I do know where she currently works. What she does. I know enough about her to know that in order for this position of hers to work she has to be of a certain level of trustworthiness.

I also know that we can be honest with each other even if the honesty is not always what we want to hear.

I think that is a huge benefit for me. She can be honest with me even if I don’t want to hear it…

Well, we are moving along in this venture… and I am giving her links to the documents and really exposing my entire venture to someone else… a huge risk if you have ever been in that position, you know what I mean… this is a baby… an idea you don’t want others to have until you are successful… Yes, I know that doesn’t make sense, but it really does… if you think about it… you believe you have a great idea… you feel like you can do much with this idea and if you feel that way, then someone else can do much with your idea.. you need others to know about the idea but not so they can take it from you, but help you succeed…

Yeah, that is a huge risk… but necessary if we want it to work…

So, I get a text that someone we both know but she has more contact with mentioned he is struggling with a task for school. He is needing some assistance with a business plan. She mentions to him about what we are involved in… he feels weird that he would be asking me out of the blue… she tells me… I tell her to have him text me.. I assist him in this request for help…

A swinger needed help and mentioned it to a swinger who mentioned it to another swinger who was able to provide help… kinda puts us all at a different level huh?

The bottom line is… we hear people stating all the time that they need to be friends with others before they can have sex with them…

They make all these rules and regulations under the guise of preferences to make sure everyone has all the right stuff to be friends…

How is that friends?

Would you trust them with all the information they would want to have to be a real friend? Like your last name? Your real phone number – not a google voice number or a burner phone? Would you trust them to have your best interests at heart?

Could you give two of them your business plan or at least one of them parts of your business plan?

I know the answer to that… some people cannot… they cannot even have their face pictures on a locked album on a sex site for fear of someone getting to know them… yet demand they be friends before they can meet to have sex…

I am not judging you for what you need to do to protect yourself for whatever reason you need to protect yourself…

I just ask you to consider what ‘being friends’ with others mean.

If this friend I have met me at a vanilla function and never knew about swinging either one of us… the chances of us being friends maybe slim… maybe not… you never know… and that is the point… you just never know… We may be one of those ‘friends’ while our kids are on the same team or in the same class (not likely because of the age differences but just suppose)… or if we met at church or the grocery store… or where ever we met…

But she brought out a huge point… I have seen pictures of her naked, she of me naked… we already saw each other at a vulnerable state… naked… yes, via pictures… as we have not met in person… but we have seen us stripped down of clothes… we have shared our sexual bits on the forums and in chats… we have talked for 6.5 hours one night – all night long… man did that make the next day hard to function… but we did… and then we had other long talks on the phone.. and yet, we can have short calls.. but why?????

But because we have shared our sexual sides… we have already become more open and honest than most friendships can claim in the vanilla or LS… why because…we shared with each other all aspects of our lives… yes, in those 6 hour calls we have shared great details that take too much time to text out… but we have shared much of ourselves… so trusting her as I would any real – as in met in person – friend makes perfect sense… and you know what… I have no fear of sharing my business plan… other than the general letting anyone else see it for fear it comes across as stupid…

We both say that the reason the friendship developed is because it happened naturally. We saw what we respected, liked, and wanted to see where this will go….

So maybe you are thinking we may never see each other… well, I came up with this really cool idea to have a couple business planning/brainstorming/retreats with it being divided between business and retreat….

I think if we can get another person to take that client team position that happens to be a swinger… we could pick some swinger friendly locales for this retreat…. do a little business and have a bit of fun….

Now, that would be a lot of fun…

Hope you are finding your sexually social adventure a blast…

Sophia

How’s This for Numbers – 66% of Men and 50% of Women Had One Night Stands Last Year

Gotta wonder how many of the ‘single’ people interviewed were swingers in disguise… I mean seriously… the article calls them single men and women, but we all know that many who claim single in the lifestyle are actually married but play separately. Did they just go to single clubs? Hmmm, we could certainly believe that… but at the same time, we must also consider that swingers go to those clubs… and if they collected data there and you just be-bopped from one guy to another… you may appear very single indeed but actually happily married as a swinger…

What am I talking about? This study  Over 50% of American singles had casual sex in 2014 — here’s why that’s good for their relationships at this link  http://www.businessinsider.com/casual-sex-can-be-good-for-marriage-2015-3#ixzz3Td5HSXDL.

Makes you wonder just why it is good for singles to have casual sex to prepare for their future relationships – yet it is bad to have casual sex when you are married. Let’s see what the article says….

Here is the first point the article makes – an “uncommitted sexual encounter” with a stranger might “appear reckless,” it’s a hugely efficient way to get to know someone. 

I promise not to get a big head here… I mean… I don’t want to brag or gloat or anything… but dang it all, it is really, really hard not too…

I have said in many of my posts on my blog and in the forums and in the chat rooms… that I like to have sex with people I don’t really know.. I like fucking strange and seeing if the friendships bloom from there… If they are fun and interesting and we live close by and we can maintain the sex and the friendship grows.. I am a happy camper. I don’t need to be best of friends with them in order to have sex… I am seeing this as a good thing… and well, so does the ‘experts’ in this study… If I really want to get to know you better… having sex with you will do it…

Kinda goes along with the idea that in order to know a person I have to know more than what their profile tells me as the ‘God’s honest truth’. That I will know more of what they are like by how they act while having sex… when their barriers are down and their true desires come out… and that the friendships that people claim they want before they sleep with them can actually be stronger once they combine the two parts of the interest together…

How is that done? Well, when you are naked and letting someone get so very close to all your private parts… you can’t get much closer than that… you can find out if you really want to be Friends with Benefits… because if the benefits aren’t that good and the friendship isn’t that good… well, you know there is a lot to say about all that…

But that is not all me talking here… it is the belief of the author check this part out….

“Any stimulation of the genitals promotes dopamine activity, which can potentially push you over the threshold into falling in love.

At orgasm, oxytocin and vasopressin—neurochemicals linked with feelings of attachment—spike. With just one night of casual sex, risky as it is, you may win life’s greatest prize: a devoted mating partner. 

After a one night stand, Fisher says that people often move to a “commitment-lite” relationship, in which “a pair has coitus when convenient, but they don’t appear in public as a couple.”

In other words, you may be sleeping together, but you’re not tagging each other on Instagram, popularly known as “friends with benefits.””

Now, I do know that we are talking marriage (single folks) and regular sex partners (swingers) here… apples and oranges… but the same things happen in our brains no matter if we are married or single when doing the nasty with someone on a one night stand…

The next point they make is 58% of men have a friends-with-benefits situation while 50% of the women did… our sorta local radio hosts stated that the women should really be called “SLUTTY BUDDY”… I thought it was kinda funny… since I was thinking of the swinging angle of this…

I am curious though… if so many more men are finding these friends-with-benefits situations… who are they with?

I guess more Single Men in the lifestyle get some than we give them credit for….

The study found 28% of these folks having casual sex moving towards friends with benefits will have long term relationships with them…

Again, I think it supports my conclusions all along… just thought I would share that…

Of course the article points out a few negatives… but that is about NON – SWINGING RELATIONSHIPS and that has nothing to do with us…

Yes, I am manipulating this study to meet the needs of this post and blocking what I don’t want to read from it… I can do that… everyone else does it too….

(Please read that in a joking manner, it is how I meant it)….

Seriously, I cannot tell you how many times I have been ‘yelled’ at or treated like a horrible person because I have emphasized the need for me to have sex with someone before I have declared them friends with benefits.

Here is the thing. I have done it every which way you can possibly think… I have extended friendships and was treated like a once and done. I have put up with lies and manipulation… I have put up with limp dicks and pity parties and extended a gracious heart to them to be treated like crap… I have had friendships develop naturally and had a lot of fun until the relationship soured because one person (on their side) had some issues with jealousy and insecurities.

I want to see how they are – how both react when having sex with me and hubby before I invest too much time in the friendships. Even that doesn’t guarantee the desired results.. I wrote about the hard time I had in late December by a friendship gone bad… It hit me hard. Not because I was in love with the male half, but because of the time and effort and emotion put into the entire relationship only to have it destroyed.

Would I want to live through it again… no… I don’t… but I will. I will go through it time and time again because I am stupid that way.

I stupidly give my heart away to people I care about in any way shape or form. I say stupidly, but I also must say that I willingly do it… I like to care about people. I like to meet people and get to know people.. and when I see one that I feel is worth the extra efforts I will do that…

Without fail… because despite my love of fucking strange… I also love to fuck friends…

Even when I know the vast number of friends in the lifestyle are very fleeting…

Many claim friendship and know going in they don’t want it or want it to last beyond the ‘hit it and quit it’ stage…

Nothing you do to prepare yourself for this will ease the pain or stop it from happening…

You will fall into the same trap every time… no matter how many barriers you put up…

They will fall down when you think you found someone to be that very special friends with benefits..

Waiting weeks, months, years to get to know them before you decide to have sex with them… I have heard many people say that ‘these friends’ ignored them afterwards… they got what they wanted…

I am not against friends with benefits… I love them… I am against the hurt that happens when people think it will somehow make things better in the long run and they just get hurt…

I just think that there are many ways to look at this whole issue and we have to make sure that we look at all sides of the issue before we decide that one way or another is the only way to do it…

As the last part of the article demonstrates… there are negative sides to all things, even those that bring us a lot of good feelings and such…

Anyways, would love to hear your thoughts on this issue after you read the entire article… does it reinforce your get to know you really well first or play and then become friends philosophy…

In the meantime… I will be doing both… because that is how I am… a person who loves to get to know people and be with people… despite the risks to my heart…. I do love the book Patchwork Heart… my heart may have been broken a number of times and patched up with someone else’s, but it is the most beautiful heart I could ever have… because it tells the story of all my loves… and adventures…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure… I am even with a few heartaches along the way…

Sophia

Funny Story on the Radio Today… Bigger Isn’t Always Better….

A sorta local radio station shared a story about a Nigerian woman filing for divorce because her husband’s penis is too large. It causes her considerable pain and after a few attempts at sex and a week of marriage she went to the courts and asked for a divorce. Here is the story… http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/nigerian-woman-files-for-divorce-because-husbands-penis-is-too-big/story-fnet0gt3-1227248250048

It seems that there is such a thing as a penis which is too large… which makes you wonder about the average size of a penis….

A study came out a few days ago about the average penis size… 15,000 penises were measured… now the penises were measured by medical folks following a standard measuring process… and not the manner in which many men and women measure penises to try to see how big they can be… but a standard protocol of how to measure each penis the same way…

And here is what is found… hey, I guess I should mention that I am using the inches as we are US based and we don’t use centimeters… but if I did use the centimeters it would seem way more impressive… unless you got out your ruler with inches and realized the difference… yeah, then it would be confusing and sad… but here is the link… so you can see the article and graph http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/03/the-results-are-in-study-reveals-average-penis-size

The average penis in its relaxed state (flaccid) 3.61 inches long and 3.7 inches in girth…

Erect…. 5.16 inches and 4.6 inches in girth.

That means the belief that the average penis size is 6 inches isn’t true anymore…

And if you have a 5.5 or 6 inch penis and always felt average before… you are no longer average. You are ABOVE AVERAGE! Awesome…

And if you were around 5.16 inches or so… and felt you were not even average…. well happy day… you are average…

Yeah, the more I read over that I wonder why anyone would be thrilled to be labeled average, but then again.. I am not a guy and I am not the owner of a small, average, or large penis… I have to admit that I am at a loss as to what this would feel like… being a girl and all….

The only thing that I can relate to this is breast size… but here is the thing… I have always been a D cup. I have very little breast fat. The only part of my body that has little fat… LOL… but they remain the same size no matter what… and they are perky little things… and I go braless all the time… and they still stay up very well considering I am about to approach 46 this month… so I really can’t relate… I have always been happy with my breasts… never wanted them bigger or smaller… have always been quite happy with them… so, I guess I do not understand the penis or the unhappy breast thing.. either… so I am going to find a different point here…

Oh, here is what it is… the new point….

What can you do about your penis size? I mean many women are not able to increase their breasts or decrease their breasts and live with their breasts… (for whatever reason surgery is not an option) and from what I have seen, the guys playing with the too large or too little or just right breasts… doesn’t seem to care of the breasts size…

But what can you do about your penis size?

Not a whole lot. The penis is what the penis is…. I can see no point in trying to make it longer or larger than it is when it is fully erect and excited… doesn’t that hurt anyways…. and you really can’t do much about making it straight or putting a curve in it, the penis is what it is….

I have had some guys that were about 8 inches and all the way down to about 4 inches… and some had straight penises and some had curves…

I had a lot of fun with the 4 inch cock believe it or not… why? Because he knew how to make the most of those 4 inches… holy crap… I cannot tell you all he did with it but I came like I never thought I could…

So I don’t think it matters the size of the penis as much as it matters that you know how to please a woman with what you have…

Well at least for me… in my limited exposure to multiple penises and their sizes and shapes… the largest of all don’t always bring great pleasure and the smallest I had brought my great pleasure and my pussy was wanting more…

Now, I don’t know if anything under 4 inches is something I want to try out… because I really do love a good pounding and you really have to have something there to pound me with… but that is another story…

I am sitting here thinking, should I really be writing about penis sizes… and well, I obviously am… and that is a good thing, but there is little that I won’t talk about… and if you have read For the Love of a Cock  https://sophiasprovocativeadventure.wordpress.com/2015/01/18/the-love-of-a-cock/ you will see that I truly love cocks… I am not ashamed to say such… and certainly not ashamed to show my love to the owner of the cock…

But here is why this post is happening today…

A man in Nigeria, a highly religious locale went to court with his new wife (who had been married and had 3 children previously so she was not a tight virgin) walked in probably with two thoughts going on in his brain…

First – How awesome it is to arrive in court for a divorce because his  cock IS TO BIG!!!!! and Second – damn, I really liked/loved this woman and it is a shame that it cannot work out….

More than likely, he is not walking around ashamed that his wife is divorcing him because he is too small… but with a bit of pride because she is divorcing him because his cock is too big…

I can assume that man since the dawn of time have compared their penis sizes with others… I mean in the bible they talk about jealousy about crops, animals, number of wives, children, etc…. I am sure that someone has along the way noticed that his father, brother, uncle, neighbor and so on has a bigger cock than he has and probably related the cock size to the personal success he has… and also related to the smaller size cock and the less success he has… and you all know that is not the true measure of a man… the whole man…

But men seem to place a lot of emphasis on their cock size and when you look at the porn stars and their cocks… and believe me as a regular viewer of porn and specifically MMF and Gay men porn – I mean if  you think about it… that is just the ultimate of eye candy for a girl… hot guys… and you know that they have so many hot gay guys in these porn videos, I do not necessarily compare their cock sizes, shapes or colors… but the whole guy… the chest, abs, ass, yeah, the whole man… now I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t noticed the cocks.. because I have… but I will say that the porn industry will look for those eye candy guys with very nice cocks…

But that doesn’t mean you need to look like a porn star to fuck like a porn star… but let me go on to say… most of us women don’t want the porn star fuck… we want the guy we are with to find out what we want, need, and desire and fulfill that… by connecting with us… to allow us to be pleased and to please you… the porn stars looks a bit mechanical when they have sex… who wants that even if the cock is a beautiful cock…

Personality and connectivity is huge… and more so than the size of a cock…

I know that men are quite funny when it comes to their cocks… I was with this one guy who had a nice cock but he freaked out when his cock was in its relaxed state… he didn’t like how small it was… when it wasn’t relaxed it was truly a beautiful cock… not sure why he freaked out… but damn… men and their cocks… a strange relationship for sure…

Yes, there are woman out there that want the biggest and thickest cock they can find… they want to be filled with as much cock as possible… and sometimes they are rude about it… making a guy feel bad because he is not 8 inches or larger… you have read those profiles… If you are not at least 8 inches or larger don’t bother to contact us…. Gotta wonder if they will pull out the tape measure and get the guy hard to see what his actual size is and then say… nope, you are an 1/8 of an inch too small…. I mean if the guy is standing there all hard and everything and you went to the trouble of getting him hard… in my way of thinking… there is no reason to waste a good hard on…. LOL

Well, you should be happy to know… those women are often disappointed because few men according to the 15,000 penis study shows that most penises are 5.16 inches… are 8 inches or more… and they are left without satisfaction…

Which makes me just as happy as can be… that means there are more for the rest of us who believe a man is more than just a cock… no matter his size….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…

Sophia

When All Else Fails…. There Is Always Sex….

When all else fails…. there is always sex…. That is our current status on one of the sites we are on… it is an interesting statement and you may not know the reason behind why I posted that on my site or here…. but it is one of those statements that anyone can assume an understanding of it without it being the correct or the incorrect answer.

My purpose on this statement was due to the increase of ‘my preferences trump your preferences’ on the forums…

See, many people were upset that someone was upset that their preferences on their profile eliminated them from a group. And the preference was not written as it appeared but as an overall statement that they are open to all….

Well, there was a lot of scuttle butt… and there was a number of hurt feelings… and there was a few new threads to make fun of people who have posted things on the forums. Most of those people who posted what they did post was to attack passive aggressively others…. or to just show their ugly side… no good came from those threads other than giving more reason to ignore those people…who will then ask why doesn’t anyone like me… hmmm…

So I wrote ‘when all else fails… there is always sex…

Meaning.. after you show your ugly side… you can always just give up your fight for whatever you were fighting for and just go straight to the sex…

After all isn’t sex what swingers are in this for….

Gotta be honest… I have to wonder if that is in fact true..

Was talking with someone and there appears to be two main groups of swingers… those who want to swing and those who swing.

Now, I am not judging anyone in either of the categories… you can be very happy wanting to swing and you can be very happy swinging…

We just thought it might be nice to be told upfront who you are… the want to or the do!

We see the want to come out in many ways… usually the list of rules… the list of rules hidden as preferences… the repetitive mentioning of having to be friends before you can play but limiting those with whom you can be friends…

I know I have written about this before… but it appears that many still haven’t gotten the message…

How can you become friends with someone if you reject them before you meet them?

How can you become friends with someone if you reject them because of their body type, hair or lack of hair, face, and so on?

How it is justified to reject someone for simply being interested in you if you do not find their profile or pics interesting enough for further investigation yet say that you have to be friends first?

I am not saying to fuck someone you think is ugly..  I don’t do that… I won’t do that… but what I do do is not judge someone solely by their looks… by their personality as well…  and how do you find out someone’s personality through a profile or pictures… If there is something that sparks interest before you meet… and you start communicating, you usually find out that the person is worthy of friendship or not…

I have had so many people argue that point with me…

Their argument is that if they are not physically attracted to them then they don’t want to be friends with them….

WHAT THE FUCK!

You have to be physically attracted to a person to be their friend!

No they say, I have to be physically attracted to them to have sex with them but in order to have sex with them I have to be friends with them first.

Again, I am confused. What exactly are you looking for in the looks department?

This is where I fucking crack up….

No lie… I am not trying to be mean… but sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with people…

Love is blind. We have all heard that… My husband can tell me when I look like crap that he finds something about me that looks beautiful…

Ain’t that sweet….

Ain’t that a perfect example of love is blind…

My hair all messed up first thing in the morning… the fresh from sleep glow, and the sleepy look and feel of my body… yeah, he is missing the obvious slobbering remnants on my face, the morning breath, the fact that if my hair looked like that as we were walking out the door to go somewhere it would not be acceptable…

I say this as honest as I can… LOVE IS BLIND…

And that is a good thing because if love wasn’t blind then we would not likely remain married and the WE is collective… WE COLLECTIVELY WOULD NOT REMAIN MARRIED THE FIRST TIME WE SAW OUR SPOUSES GET SICK… that image remains… we just go blind to it..

So when a person goes online on chat or the forums or whatever and brags on and on about their spouse… I immediately think ‘that is sweet’ as they love their spouse as they should… so much nicer to be around than the person bitching about their spouse all the time.. but after a while, I have to wonder if their spouse and them are really that wonderful together all the time… their stories are similar to love blind stories… and then they post pictures of their spouse… or themselves…

And I am going to have to say that I am not sure just what we are to say at this point when they show pics and the person is not as attractive as they think…

Sometimes we can tell what everyone is thinking by the crickets in the room after they post… or the sudden posting of HOW HOT THEY ARE and then privately stating… OMG did you see that pic… why are they posting that…

You see love is blind… what you find as the most attractive and beautiful or handsome we may find as average or well not even close to average on the attractiveness scale… we just don’t say it as we don’t want to be the mean person who does tell you the truth…

So when you say you have to have a certain level of attractiveness in order to even be friends with others to have sex with them… you are sending some very mixed messages…

And quite a few people who witness this are wondering… ummm, just where is that line for your standards… and why are you saying I am not there when I am more attractive/fit/nice than you are?

We see this in the forums all the time. We see people who are – here are those words again – insecure or jealous – put up requirements for others that are unattainable in order to quench the need their insecurities and jealousies remain unfulfilled.

Love may be blind… but your own reality is often wide open and full of truth…

I know all of my physical faults… even ones you won’t see or comment on when in my presence…. I also know my husbands and have always been aware of my children’s. Doesn’t mean that I broadcast them.

Here is a somewhat perfect illustration of what I mean… but it does have to do with my children… and their quirks and school….

One of our sons was in kindergarten and was pokey as all get out… I had a conversation with the teacher and told her this behavior of his needs to be addressed. I spoke with her with him present so he could hear us talking and be a part of the conversation. She freaked out. Why am I talking about this when he is around? And why am I even pointing out a flaw with my child? Because I want the ‘flaw’ fixed. I need your help just as much as I need his. I love this child dearly. But he is not perfect. Doesn’t change my love for him… just makes me aware of his real self…

When we are considering people to play with or even just get to know… we do not base it all on how someone looks. There are many things that will make us want to play with them.. not all is about looks… and we don’t base a person’s looks on our own. We do not base them on a standard from the media. We do not base them on anything singular or concrete. A lot more of it has to do with how you engage me.

And going around telling people how attractive your friends have to be in order to be your friends and in order to play with them… turns me off…

Do you really need to announce this like you are the most attractive couple in the world?

And a hot body and a not so hot face is not enough to entice us.

Or a hot face and not so hot body is not enough to entice us.

So we do not put on our profile or make generalized statements about what makes us interested in a person…

That way we are not judged and not seen as judging others.. we have had some incredible times with people who others may not see as highly attractive… but you know what… they had a lot more going on than just looks… They were interesting and fun and awesome to have sex with…

There have been times when we had sex with someone and then became friends with them… those friendships seem to last longer than the friends first then fuck…

Funny how that is…

You can see that it is a bit confusing to some people… when you make up all these rules and standards that others are to climb through and yet…. well, they don’t feel you reach those same standards…

I am wondering if perhaps the emphasis should no longer be on how others stack up to you but how you stack up to others…

Why should they want to be your friend… why should they want to be your play mate…. Why should you go to the top of their list of interest?

Maybe it should be an opportunity to revamp your profile and your approach… cuz you know what… the superiority approach ain’t to popular… ‘specially when you say you are easy going, laid back, or otherwise cool…..

Because people seem to pigeon hole others like that as people who want to swing versus people who actually swing…

You may doubt what I am saying because you do get compliments, flirts, certs, raves, and other things from people who want to meet you or have met you… and those may have been authentic. I am not discounting this at all… what I am saying is overall your marketing campaign is sending a negative message.

But you know what… when all else fails… there is always sex….

Sophia