A while ago I wrote about sexual surrendering. Well, this is the post sexual surrendering of a swinger with a swinger… and well… it wasn’t just between two swingers… it went deeper… which when talking about the topic of sexual surrendering, it is not a big surprise.
In the spirit of full disclosure… the person I chose to sexually surrender to was someone I have had intense feelings for over the last bunch of years. I had feelings… and still do for this person… feelings like love and it makes me so happy… all those feelings are going through my head and heart right now and I am glad that I chose him. More than that… he chose me.
And that is important to note… he also chose me.
That is so huge… that this was not a one sided encounter… one sided surrender… and it makes it that much more… well… incredible.
What I am writing about today is just my side of this topic… my thoughts on surrendering… my experience of surrendering… and how easy it was on one hand and how scary it was… until it wasn’t.
When talking about surrendering to him sexually, I have to start from before… I had to make the decision to surrender sexually and I had to tell him what I wanted to do… you just do not sexually surrender without some kind of warning… it can be rather intense if they do not know anything about it ahead of time. When I told him about what I was wanting to experience his reaction was one of feeling honored, humbled and similar things… I felt heard, cherished and blessed. It appeared I choose well.
As we began to get to know each other better the weight of this ask was lessened as we learned how much we had in common… and with that commonality we connected on a deeper level and with that trust began to develop.
Trust was essential for me and I was not sure just how important it was until I began to see how easy I could trust him… and that of course built additional trust. I could see this playing out when he would ask me if I would do something rather small… he mentioned he loves dark nail polish on women… and asked if I would paint my nails dark… overall this is not a big deal… however, I have had some shade of lavender for years and well… this was a big ask… for me. That and the whole ‘why do I have to’ attitude that is common for me… see why surrender was something I wanted to explore.
I felt good about choosing a dark, dark purple… and let’s be honest here… the color is so dark you can’t tell there is any purple… but whatever… a small step to some, a big step for me. This meant that I would give up some control over nail polish… good grief… is this really that hard… apparently not as hard as I made it out to be.
I was told to cancel my rental car reservation. It made sense… but damn I wanted to have that freedom and control… but it made sense… and well… I did it… and despite a few moments of really wishing I had a rental car of my own… I gave in to common sense and gave up the rental car… again, putting my trust in him. I have to admit that this was one thing I struggled with throughout the trip… but I still did it.
I suddenly became rather dependent on him… he was picking me up from the airport, he was taking me to my hotel, he… he… he… yes, I had given up a lot of control on this trip and for me that was a difficult thing to ponder happening before him or with anyone but him. But from the moment I woke up on that Saturday morning, the morning I was heading out to Denver, I was at peace with this trip, the loss of control over so many small things and some larger things… I didn’t feel like I was losing anything but rather that I was gaining something far greater.
It was at that point that I really started getting the whole surrender thing… in a way that was not as I expected it. I was not giving anything up but in fact gaining far more from the experience… and this is not even to the point of sexual surrender. As I gave up control I felt peace… when I let someone else make a decision I felt secure in the path… it was so damn weird… and good.
And we still haven’t physically met yet… amazing as shit if you think about it…
Then we meet.
I felt like I had known him for years… granted… we did. For five years online… but from the moment we met in person… I felt like I was coming home after a long trip.
So then we have the first kiss… the hand holding… the getting to know each other… the trust was already there… and well… it makes surrendering easier. Again, I had known him for years… and now…
There was a moment when I knew without a doubt that what could have been swinger sex was more than that… it was the moment that the surrendering happened… when all I was thinking about and feeling was him… when every breath I took was focused on him, every desire was for him all moments of pleasure from him. I had complete trust in him…
Whatever he wanted, whatever he asked, whatever he demanded I would surrender to with no question, no fear, no hesitation… and knowing with every fiber of my body, every thought in my mind and every whisper of my soul that he was worthy of my surrender.
What is even more poignant here is the surrendering that he did to me.
The sex was incredible. The connection deep.
The surrendering brought a level of intimacy to the whole relationship. I also noticed that I completely trusted him.
I had never been on a motorcycle. Never wanted to be on one… never had an interest… never felt I could trust anyone enough… and then he asked me if I wanted to ride one to see Red Rocks… my answer came quickly… “sure” (never said it was enthusiastic). But I was willing to do this… ride on a motorcycle with him. No fear, anxiety, dread or nervousness… throughout the entire ride I felt excited, happy, safe, eager to enjoy the ride…
I see this as an incredible experience and wonderful lesson learned about myself and my capacity to trust, love, and surrender.
Is this something every swinger should or can do? Probably not. I think it is too much for most who view swinging as fun sex. Could I do it with any other partner? Nope. I would not want to do it with anyone else. So why did this work and why with him? The only answer that I can think of is because what developed between us was love. Can it be done without love? I am sure it can, I just don’t know if it would feel the same without it turning into love eventually. Surrendering is intense and vulnerable and emotions play a role… a big role in the whole experience. The components of surrendering requires trust, strong connections, communication, and yes… emotions similar to great affection or love..