Monthly Archives: November 2019

Getting To Know Sophia and Mike

This is my second post, first full post on Sophia’s blog. Wish me luck. 🙂

When Sophia first posted her travel plans we looked… we enjoy getting to know people who are traveling through the area. Often we find ourselves doing the ‘dreaded one and done’ because we seek those who travel and not necessarily those who live in the area. Let’s face it, after a while, the regular swingers in the area are not anything new and exciting because we see them at everything and with everyone. The conversations are all the same, the play habits are all the same, the come on lines are all the same and yawn, and then yawn some more.

We look at those who are traveling in our area and we reach out to them. We did this with Sophia even though she was traveling solo, we had seen enough of her posts to know we wanted to meet her even if we didn’t play with her. She is somewhat famous on the forums and we certainly noticed her a lot through the years. Mark sent the first email asking her if she wanted to meet up while she was on her trip. Obviously, Mark wrote something more than just that, but that was the main point of the email. Sophia responded by opening their BSP and we reciprocated. She reiterated a few things in our communications – she was traveling alone, she hall passes, she doesn’t have to have sex to meet with anyone, and while she is bisexual playing with women is not something she does all the time, she is rather picky about what women she plays with… nothing personal, but she doesn’t play with women to get things started or fulfill another woman’s fantasy of having someone do everything for them…

I think I came when I read that, she said it a lot nicer than I wrote it there. I however could have yelled ‘DITTO BABY’!

Sophia explained that she likes to let others know their expectations up front and part of that is that they generally do not do couple dates because of some ‘past trauma’ (lol) from some couples… they “will do house parties and hall passes… and rare couple dates… but they have to pass a rigorous vetting process.” Mark fell in love with that honesty she had. We rarely do couple dates anymore. For the same reasons.

We knew we had to meet with Sophia. She was just like we had seen her on the forums. Yes, we had a forum crush on her. We admit it. We love it. She is a hoot.

She had time before she would be meeting up with someone that would take up most of her time on her trip, but we could meet after she arrives on Saturday afternoon until she would meet up with them on Monday around noon.

Then it turned out that they were coming earlier and we could meet anytime between Saturday afternoon and Sunday about noon…

And then it turned out they changed their plans and she was going to have some 1-1 time with just him on Saturday… and well, she hoped we understood…

We did, but we weren’t happy about it. No one likes to find out that they didn’t make the cut. But she explained that this guy was the reason for the trip, the limitations on the airline flight schedule, and it made sense as this other couple was trying to match their trip schedule with hers.

And to find out later that we postponed meeting her only to have her 1-1 plans basically fucked up without her being told it was going to happen. Let us just say we were holding a bit of a grudge. And were a bit angry on Sophia’s behalf. It wasn’t really much consolation that we were not the only people she had to cancel plans with during the trip.

Then to learn that a lot of what she did was wait on them to do some stupid shit that she could have kept her rental car (was told she wouldn’t need it) and kept some of the plan she had made, yeah, we were pissed on her behalf. According to what Mike and Sophia shared with us before and when we met, she was pretty much treated like shit. We happen to know the couple she was meeting and they are not on our list of people we like anymore. That was shitty behavior no matter how you try to justify it. Apparently, I am still upset about how they treated her. She has forgiven them, but I am not ready yet.

When we made plans to meet, Sophia let us know that she was still recovering from this shitastic episode of shitty behavior, I will have to admit right now how much I want to explode on both of them (the other couple) for how they treated Sophia. Mark and I both agreed that we would not say anything to them on her behalf when we run into them. It is hard.

It is even harder after seeing how Mike and Sophia are as a couple, as individuals, as swingers, and how they did not deserve to be treated like this. Mike is not as ‘wide-open’ as a person or swinger as Sophia is. She is one-of-a-kind. Mike and Sophia work and largely because they do not get caught up in jealousy. Mike is not always happy about the ‘infatuations’ men have on Sophia, but she sure does enjoy them. We noticed that Sophia genuinely enjoys Mike making friends, having lovers, and fucking himself blind (I am not doing well staying on topic, but Mike fucked me so hard one time that he swore he fucked himself blind. He wasn’t blind, we just caused the lamp plug to come out of the socket, plunging us into darkness.)

When I was communicating with Mike, it was not the easiest thing to do. He doesn’t flirt naturally. If you are surprised by that because of Sophia, then you are not alone. Sophia flirts with everyone and naturally. It is so much a part of what she does, who she is, and how she communicates, it is amazing how quickly she makes people feel comfortable. Seeing the conversations she and Mark have and comparing them to Mike and mine, I learned quickly not to do that anymore. I had to learn how Mike communicates and what makes him want to communicate. Sophia didn’t give many hints to me to help me out. She told me that when I learned what worked on Mike on my own it would make it so much better. She was right. When I tried to flirt with him like how Sophia did with Mark, it fell flat. However, when I sent him a picture of a beer that I wanted him to try, our conversations went in a sexy direction.

Mark and Sophia had a blast communicating. She brought out a lot of ‘secrets’ of his without really trying. She encouraged him to share with me what he realized or what he shared with her. We did that and fuck, it made sex so much better.

I tried to copy some of what they talked about with Mike to see if it worked with him. It did. Holy fuck, she is like a swinger whisperer. I would ask a question in a what that made him tell me a story. We would then use that conversation for days learning more about each other. Want to know her secret? Ask her. You will suddenly realize why so many guys like her so much. It is so fucking simple. But so effective.

I found out that Mike (and I have permission to share this) is a people pleaser and is rather submissive. You may have read some of that in other posts Sophia has written about in the past. He is not like a submissive man in the common manner, he will take the dominant role on as needed and will fuck me blind, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I asked him a lot of questions about what he liked and didn’t like. I was surprised when he said few women actually ask him that questions. Most he has been with have been along the lines of dead fish and pillow princess… apparently, when he gets those women Sophia gets the man who can’t get enough of her or fall hard for her. I could tell him I know that feeling, Mark and her run into that a lot too. Mike said that when Sophia gets a guy who is done in three minutes or can’t get it up, he gets a wife who can’t get enough of him. He feels like he is being used as a gigolo. It is why they house part and hall pass.

That is where we are in our (Mark and I’s) swinging adventure. It is less adventure and more a pit of snakes.

Mike asked me a few questions too, like, do you enjoy oral? Do you enjoy getting fucked? I laughed when he asked me that and I texted Sophia and asked if I could talk to Mike on the phone, she said, go ahead. I called Mike, he was next to Sophia so we had an interesting conversation as to why Mike asked those questions. OMFG!

We laughed and cried from laughing so hard with that conversation. Mark was ‘jealous’ when he got home. So jealous he called Mike and asked why he wasn’t able to call him on the phone. Heaven help us, we were out of control. The four of us talked on zoom for almost two hours. We regularly talked on the phone. Whenever the spirit moved us. Usually when one of us was in the car.

Mark and Sophia didn’t talk as much on the phone as Mike and I, Mike, Sophia and I, and Sophia and I did. The shit ‘they’ put her there was taking a toll on her. I swear it is still very hard for me to not publicly lash out at ‘him’. And ‘her’. And Sophia needed to stop making excuses for them. I saw the texts and emails and wall posts. That is messed up shit.

When Mark asked her straight out why she won’t communicate with him as she had in the near past and why he doesn’t get phone calls, I swear both of our hearts broke. Sophia was gaslighted and she knew she was being gaslighted when it happened, but it still hurt her. It caused her to second guess everything she did, was, and thought. He fucked with her big time.

Mark called her up immediately and had a come to Jesus meeting with her. She had been working on it with others in her tribe and she was trying to get ‘better’, past it, unbroken, but it was so hard. Mark’s heart was broken that night listening to her. He had the phone on speaker as he couldn’t stop pacing back and forth and yelling profanity at this ‘couple’. I kept telling him to stop yelling that it wasn’t helping Sophia. But oddly enough, it did help some in a way we didn’t know it would.

Mark being so pissed at this couple on her behalf told her that she mattered. She knew she mattered to Mike. That wasn’t nothing new, but to know that we were this upset on her behalf.

Like I said, we know this couple. We know how they behave. We also saw the messages sent to her. That was low and shitty what was done to her and to think he said he loved her. Other than Mike, her badass tribe she talked about in a previous post and us, no one knows or has seen the shit he wrote to her or the treatment of her. Let me tell you something, Sophia is an amazing woman. She is strong and loving. She is funny and full of happiness. And he would tell her why he loved her and then treat her like she was nothing without a second thought. I have asked her many times why she actually loved him. Not the nicest thing to say to a new friend, but fuck, he does not deserve any of her love.

That night bonded us like nothing else could. I can’t tell you what the bond is like, if I said it is like family, that is a bit creepy. I love this girl like no other swinger partner I have ever met. I love Mike like no other swinger partner I have ever met. The same for Mark. But we are not in love with them or their family. Thank goodness. Fucking Mike is something that cannot be missed ladies.

We met – Mike, Sophia and I on a trip and I fell in love with this couple – again, not IN LOVE but in love with who they are in person. Who they are as a couple. If you are looking for a couple who only talks sweetly and without any passion (they have been together for 30 years – they get annoyed with each other and own it… that is what I mean about passion) this is not the couple. Sophia will tell Mike what she thinks and he does to her as well. They do not pretend to be a perfect couple, and can we get a Hallelujah?

They are as real as a couple can be and yet, you can tell they love each other. When Sophia tells stories of her adventures and talks about some of the guys that annoyed Mike, that is fucking hilarious. Mike told a few stories of times he ‘fucked’ up. One time the guy Sophia was with was done in less than 5 minutes. She was bored, the bed wasn’t big enough for the four of them to be laying there if two were done. Mike was oblivious to Sophia being done because he was being a great partner and fucking her senseless. After nearly an hour she tells Mike to finish up. He looks up and asks ‘are you done?’ Them telling me this story was funny but wait, she urges Mike to finish the story, he does. Mike says, this couple lives by a Walmart and Sophia says, let’s stop at Walmart I have to pick something up. Mike tells me that he asked if Sophia had a good time and she let him have it. Right in Walmart about how clueless of a swinger he is. Something about looking up once in awhile to see… I don’t know if I am actually being fucked! Mike explained that this was in their first year and still trying to figure out how shitty some adventures are. They have changed how they do things because of Mike being too focused – Sophia interrupts and says not too focused, oblivious to anything else. She rolled her eyes at him. He admits to paying attention to his partner, but then corrects himself and says, this is why separate rooms are are favorite. While Sophia won’t let the other couple know she is not happy, nor Mike, he has been caught off guard by her immediate response when asked “did you have fun” when they get in the car. He learned so much about paying attention as a swinger.

They were laughing so hard telling these stories. The things you learn while swinging.

This blog post went a direction I was not planning. I will continue with my promise to tell you how good Mike fucks.

Mike and I have learned a lot about each other as friends and lovers. One of the best things he does, and so few men do this as swingers, and Mike does it so well. Mike fucks me like he actually likes me for me and responds to me and what I need. It is not a ‘servicing plan’. I am not being serviced. I am the center of his attention while I am with him.

Yes, him and Sophia do share a kiss or two while he is fucking me. Literally, depending on the position she is in and I am in, he will slide his cock in me, give Sophia a kiss and not miss a beat and fuck me harder. They got that timing shit down pat. I think it is because he learned to PAY ATTENTION to his surroundings. Always something to learn in swinging.

Yeah, they have a good thing going and never have we had as much fun being fucked senseless.

I will share more in my next blog post.

Wet Kisses, Amber

Last Weekend, Why It Worked

Last weekend we had some friends spend time with us, quite a bit of time getting to know each other and having a lot of fun. We laughed and talked and made out and had sex and did it over and over again. During some of our talks, we learned what it was we wanted from our weekend and our friendship. Amber and I had talked about the amount of time we had to invest in a real friendship being a few states away. What was it going to take to really get to know each other and not have it turn into a lot of work was little lasting reward.

We were able to figure out what we wanted as friends and lovers and partners of lovers. There’s a lot of different roles all thrown together and a lot of navigating if we wanted it to work out. We found that having honest conversations about our expectations and frustrations and what we’re looking for or wanting to avoid really helped us navigate the fun we had over the weekend.

I joked with Amber a lot about having a crush on her and she joked just as much about having a crush on me. What we realized was we enjoyed each other in a very organic and platonic manner. I think that had to come first and it had to be something that both invested in along the way. In the past it always seemed like it was a competition between me and the other wife or girlfriend and initiated by the other wife. I have never felt I need to compete with any other wife or girl friend. To me there is never a reason to compete with the other woman. And I never did.

When Amber and I talked before we met we talked a lot about this need for women to compete with other women. And it always struck me odd that a woman who was already in a relationship with a boyfriend or husband felt the need to compete with the other woman in a swinger situation. Amber and I have both struggled with this issue with women. And it is challenging to know how to navigate or even if it is worth navigating. Personally I choose not to navigate this as a rule. I have changed my swinging habits to be more hall passing and less couple dating.

This was something that I wanted to really look into and pay attention to while in the midst of this weekend of fun to see how this would play out if I set the intention to develop a deeper level friendship with Amber from the get-go. Now this is a lot of work I think on top of trying to get to know the guy I actually want to have sex with and I was not alone in this thought. Amber was also wanting to build a deeper friendship with me to see if this would actually work out in the long-term and not just a once and done even if we hang out with no further sex between the two newly formed couples but rather a rare hall pass.

Most swingers talk about not wanting drama and it is there… and it rears it’s ugly head a lot… and it is often centered around women. Amber asked if she could guest blog on this topic… this is the first of several blog posts from her.

“We have been swinging since 2011 off and on. I have been the instigator more than Mark and I have put the breaks on it quite a few times. Each time I said I was done it was after I dealt with wife drama. I am not willing to put up with this behavior and I don’t. Mark has gone along with my lead because he is aware enough to see what the others are doing. To be honest, it is not always the women pulling this bad behavior. It is both. I have had some of the worst lovers, literally not very good at the actual sex act and that makes for some resistance when having to put up with behavior less than ideal from their spouses.

I have a lot in common with my male partners as they try to get to know me even if the purpose is to get laid. When Sophia and I started communicating she made as much of an effort to communicate with me as I did with her. I did notice that a few times when I didn’t put forth effort in talking with her she backed off some. I reached back out and we resumed our communications. When I backed off, so did Sophia. The 3rd or 4th time that happened I asked her about it… after following her blog and all her forum posts… I got an answer that didn’t surprise me… “most women in swingerville only care about themselves and what they want everyone to do to prove they are worthy to bow down in front of… I have no desire to play that game and don’t… nor do I expect it.”

That was all it took, I found a soul mate in another woman in swinging. She gets it I told Mark. She really gets it. That started a lot of conversation between us… and it allowed me to be a good friend for her during some of the things she has recently blogged about… we realized how our swinging has changed to navigate our bad experiences.

Mark and I really hit it off with Mike and Sophia and we feel it is largely due to the reality of what ENM means to us and the fact we do not approach it in a manic or desperate manner. Mike and Mark love fucking other women, we love fucking other men, but the need to be the top swinger is not there… it’s not about the conquest… it’s truly about enjoying and respecting our partners while getting dirty with them.

I have enjoyed taking the time to get to know Sophia and was surprised how few women do… and how many wives do not like her because she won’t do more than what the other wife/girlfriend is willing to do for her. I realized I behave similarly and as a result I don’t have many female swinger friends. But those I do have are like Sophia, real friends as they have the capacity to be friends.

And that is why our friendship worked… all four of us have the capacity to treat each other with genuine curiosity of who they are and not solely a sex organ to fuck… a conquered profile name… a trophy… or an ego to stroke… or an ass to kiss.

I’m going to share on the next blog what it was like to be with Mike and watching Mark fanboy Sophia. Mike happens to have a beautiful cock and can fuck me in a new favorite way… if ever I could brag on a couple… how they interact with each other… how fun they are… how sex with them is a grand adventure, this would be the couple to do it on, we are hooked.

Muah Sophia and Amber

Oh, These Adventures…

There is something that I enjoy so much about ENM… It largely falls under adventures… having some pretty awesome adventures… and I have been very fortunate to have quite a few. Each adventure provides something good and something to learn… I like having them equally, but not always liking what I learn in the same way… but I always learn something.

When the learning is fun and expands my boundaries in a good way… and our past weekend was one such learning adventure.

I had an opportunity to look at something in the manner in which I swing and ask myself why I choose to swing in this way. Now, I was told something that I knew at face value was a bunch of bullshit… and when I looked at it a bit deeper… yeah, it was a gaslighting move… and my gut was right… but I did due diligence and investigated whether or not what I was ‘accused’ of had merit.

I had some deep conversations about this with several people over the course of the months… and I had emails, screenshots and text and messenger ‘proof’ of what was said. Believe me I spent a great deal of time on these messages… and then I shared them with some other people who could be trusted to be honest and share with me their thoughts on what happened and if I was in the wrong… did I do something that indicated a huge flaw I needed to address in me.

These people – men and women – could be trusted to be brutally honest with me.

And they were.

What was done to me was shitty… was wrong… and they could see why I was hurting so much.

Here is a little about these people… one is a Lesbian who has a wife and a boyfriend, active in the LGBT community, teaches college courses in Emotional Intelligence… and a few other things… one is a psychotherapist who specializes in boundaries, trauma, and marriage and family… one is a former educator in the private schools system and currently works with clients on dealing with trauma and overcoming the denial of trauma… one is a good friend and I have worked with this person for 3 years… one is an educator, equity influencer, and works in media… one just hangs out with us all so that they can feel smarter being in a group of smart folks… but has a special sauce… we just are not sure what it is just yet… One is a transgender lesbian who runs a gay pride organization…

None of them hold back anything…

They have been with me on the highs and the lows of this ‘summer’s fun and fall heartbreak.’

In addition to these lovely people… there have been some swingers and some hall passers… and some couples that we have been getting to know…

To say I was damaged by what happened is an understatement.

And this is a hard blow for me because I pride myself on being strong. Being smart. Being…

And well… I am also loving… and open… and caring… and apparently vulnerable… and…

Several weeks ago I asked for help because I needed to be done with this… it was obvious that I was nothing to him… I strongly doubt I really ever mattered to him… I strongly believe I was fed a line or several and I took them hook, line, and sinker…

Someone who loves another person does not treat them in the manner in which I was treated.

I shared this statement to the group and they agreed. If he did have feelings for me, he would not have treated me this way… swinger/poly/whatever didn’t play into this… his treatment of me showed me how little I mattered.

That day… we were all in the studio and I heard that said in a loving but blunt way several times over…

They shared words of affirmation but it didn’t change what I was hearing…

I knew what I felt… but that was not enough…

And I sat there not saying anything… not crying… not really responding at all…

They all waited to see what my response would be…

Every single ‘worst thing a person could think about herself’ message came through my mind… I had it on repeat… I couldn’t get it off repeat… it was horrible… everything he said that meant anything to me was all a lie… I was unworthy of love… he was just playing me for a fool… why would he love me… all that bullshit played through my mind. I mean, if he really cared for me at all… would he do some of the things he did and say and posted? No. Unless of course he is just that fucked up and has more issues than I noticed and beyond any hope of being a good person… a really good person who has a heart and can show compassion and not treat people they way he treated me… and yeah… holding out hope on that one seems silly…

I was told I needed to tell them what I was thinking… I was scaring them…

I told them I have gone through all the stages of grief… some I stayed in a while… some I went back and forth on… I was broken by him. I shared with him how no matter how hard I tried to hate him, I just can’t. I go back and forth being loving him and feeling sorry for him… and more often than not, I really feel a lot of pity for him.

They shared their advice… they offered comfort, they offered another alcoholic beverage… they laughed, they cried, they offered suggestions on what I needed to do to get over him.

I have worked very hard on getting over him. I was told that when I can call his bullshit out and not feel bad I called out his bullshit… and I didn’t actually have to call it out to him where he could see or hear it… I just needed to call his shit out… but when I got to that point…

I hid his wall posts from showing up on our wall and that has brought me great peace. My heart is good with that… I have not checked on what he has posted once…

Not seeing who he is meeting up with, flirting with, or any of that other stuff has helped a lot… I looked at why I didn’t want to see his ‘stuff’ and here is the bottom line… he is not allowed to or has no desire to communicate with me in anyway… all communication has been cut off… it is apparent that we cannot meet up again… have sex again… fuck, we can’t even communicate on the forums… it is all a bunch of petty little games… and if I can’t communicate with him, why do I want to see all the people he has permission to talk to or a desire to talk too?

I am no longer on that list…

I am no longer able to be his friend… his playmate… his lover… a friend to text… or whatever…

And let’s be really honest here… not even being his friend is what hurts the worst… I feel like I was repeatedly lied to about how he felt about me.

And this is where I have moved towards… being rather important to him to being NOTHING to him.

I have been enjoying some communication with others who can in fact communicate with me… who want to communicate with me… and enjoy communicating with me… and can be honest in their communication with me… something he rarely was with me… honest in communication.

When I look at ALL THIS… and then ask myself why I am still hurting because of how he treated/treats me… and when I look at the possibility that all he did was lied to me about how he felt about me…

WHY am I struggling with this?

I mean… besides the obvious… I really felt something for him…

And then I remembered something I had read a few weeks back… When you no longer cry when thinking of someone it is because you are healed…

This past weekend and the vanilla guy I am enjoying ‘getting’ to know better… and the other couples we are getting to know and the guys that I hall pass with that are wanting to resume after the holidays… I have to wonder why I am letting him affect me this much.

As I wrote this entire post… thinking back at all the good times I have had with others… and the pain I have had with him… I was happily surprised that I did not cry once…

My eyes did not water…

My heart was not heavy and feeling pain…

And I have to give credit to the my tribe of badass women and the men who let me know I am important to them… no matter the role I have in their lives… I am important to them… And I am so thankful I had the opportunity to feel the love and loss… I am a better person for it…

I was told to share what I really need to tell him…

Here it is… for healing sake…

I loved you with a pure and whole love… I gave my love to you fully and without reservation. If given a chance to do it again… I would struggle with that answer… because when you showed me you loved me… it was beautiful. However, the pain you caused for no reason other than to play games with the truth, my affections, and your ego… that hurt and was unnecessary. A little honesty and emotional intelligence would go a long way… I did not deserve how you treated me… or how she treated me… My hope and prayer is that you both can see how you treated me and how damaging that is… it is hard to claim to be good and loving people when you treat everyone in a tit-for-tat manner… or have to hurt each other to get your way… or demand others to fix your own issues… or any of the other things that were written in emails, text messages and the like… My prayer is that you both can heal before you cause others the same damage you caused me.

And as I finish this post… I have to write how I am feeling… I feel light… like a huge weight is off of my shoulders… and my heart. I am feeling excited to move on to other adventures and put this experience behind me… yet… I have to acknowledge that I feel fortunate to have had this experience…

My tribe of badass women have given their seal of approval to this post… I wish I had done this a lot sooner. I feel whole again.

Muah Sophia

And This Is Why We Are ENM

In August of this year I headed off to Denver… and no, I am not going to be talking about that part of the trip… but when I originally started to plan the trip, there was a few days that I would have some time to meet up with others in the area. I had started communicating with a bunch of folks… some I knew from the forums and other ways on Kasidie and others I had just ‘met’ through the posting of my travel plans.

As the days were counting down to my departure on this adventure, my plans changed and I chose a different plan… whether that plan was a good one or not… I still enjoyed the opportunity to get to know some other folks and single men… and in that opportunity some friendships have developed.

I had some plans in motion that I chose to put on hold… but I was able to continue to build deeper connections with them… and a large percentage of them understood my decision to put off meeting them… and a good number of them turned into other opportunities to meet… some are still waiting for the trip date to happen…

But thank goodness for the airline that is 7 minutes from my home and rather inexpensive… $70 for a trip to or from Denver… yes, please! I am so excited because this has in fact allowed us to be on the receiving end of travel from Denver and plan some awesome trips to Denver. Next month can’t come soon enough…

This weekend we had one couple that I was going to meet for at least a breakfast while in Denver… but chose not to… they understood and they continued to get to know not only me but Mike… We met her when she was traveling to our area for work… had a great dinner with her… very vanilla that trip… they do not hall pass… but she could meet us for dinner and drinks to see if coming back with him was a plan… and it was.

We hit it off so well… Amber and I have so much in common… a lot of similar personality and quirks… Mike amped up his flirting game… and good thing too… the whole night was sexy banter and lots of flirting. We found a lot that we had in common and as I truly love… we had a lot we didn’t have in common… it is a good thing as there was much we could learn about each other and about how we can compliment each other…

I really wanted to get to know Mark better, but we couldn’t do more than text, email, and talk on the phone at this time… but after we met Amber…

Mark was jealous after talking with Amber about her dinner… in a good way… he wanted to hurry up and meet us after hearing what Amber had to say… we upped our flirting and chatting and by chatting I mean… we talked on the phone a lot. I can’t tell you how much I miss that in this ENM/swinging stuff… Amber and I started talking 3 or 4 times a week… we would chat on our commutes home… granted, my commute started earlier than hers… but she was usually running out of steam at that time of the afternoon… and by the time she was on her way home… and with Mike working nights… it gave me something to do… it was a great way to bond…

Mark and I talked on the phone less often than Amber and I… his conversations were quick and often dirty… and boy do I like that…

Mark and Mike are guys… so they didn’t talk on the phone… but if Mark called when Mike was home we put it on speaker phone… they said a few things and then we chatted some more…

And after a month of this… they pushed up the date that they were going to come here… can I get an AMEN!

Amber travels to this area often for business… and by this area I mean NC, SC, GA, TN and VA… most of those locations are rather close by… a few hours… so on one of her trips she was taking to our local area they arranged extra time off and…

They arrived on Wednesday and I was able to meet him and Amber for dinner… hubby was working… and missed them… but fuck… I was so excited to meet the both at the same time… finally…

Dinner was a blast… I have not laughed so hard in such a long time… Mark is funnier in person… he has a big personality and vibrant eyes… He is sweet and funny… he has a generous heart and is six foot tall… I loved being able to wear heels and still looked up and went on my toes when we kissed…

Good God that man can kiss… Amber and I chose the restaurant we ate at because we could get away with some rather flamboyant behavior and no one would bat an eye… Mike and I have done things like this before in the city and luckily no one who knows me saw me… well, no one that would think twice about it…

Amber and I wore little black dresses… we had our heels on… make-up looking damn good… the air was nippy and so were our titties… Amber and I made out a little bit… Mark and I made out a little bit… Amber and Mark made out… and our neighboring tables enjoyed the show… we kept it mild for Mike’s sake as he wasn’t there… but he did enjoy the pictures…

Thursday and during the day Friday was committed to work… Both Amber and I had to work… and so did Mike… but come Friday evening… Mike was able to switch his schedule and be available earlier than we hoped he could… and finally… all four of us were together…

Months of chatting and flirting and sharing pictures… and talking about plans for the weekend… here… now… thank God.

They arrived at our home about 4:30 pm… before Mike arrived home from work… they had their luggage… yep, they checked out of the hotel and headed to our house… conserve time and energy was the decision… saved a few bucks… as if those were really the reasons they checked out of their hotel… truth is… we were going to have the house to ourselves as our son was out of town… with a little encouragement from us… and when the kid is away… the parents will play takes on a whole new and fun meaning.

We were going to grab some drinks and dinner as we all got to ‘know’ each other in the same location… So far, Mark and Mike hadn’t met… in person… but it was almost time…

Us girls were in the bathroom getting ‘pretty’ for our night out… what the boys didn’t know… my shower was no longer just me taking a shower… Amber joined me… after some making out… some orgasms… testing the firmness of the suction the dildo had on the shower wall… well… we got all prettied up…

The guys met each other… shared a local craft beer and Mike went to shower… he comes out of the shower and Amber is waiting there on the bathroom floor on her knees… Mouth and hands ready to say ‘hi’ to Mike…

Our plans were happily diverted and we all had to take a shower or another shower depending… before we could head out for fun… and dinner…

Dinner was a blast… went to a club… listened to music… flirted… made out with each other and then decided to head to a strip club…

We made it back home later in the early morning hours… and paired off… Mark and I in one room… Amber and Mike in the other… and we have stayed paired in that manner all weekend…

Oh, believe me… we have separated a bit throughout the weekend… sorta… there is a lot of partner changing happening… but Mark has been focusing a lot on pleasing me… and me on him… while Mike and Amber are enjoying the opportunity to focus on each other… Mike and I so love it when this happens… it was what we thought these escapades were supposed to be like… and we really love it when we find other couples who believe this too…

Sunday morning I was up early… always an early morning girl… and I was laying there next to Mark as he was sleeping… and my heart felt full… and happy… and as I was laying there, Mark snuggled up even closer to me… wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer… and I was thinking how sweet… thinking he had no idea who he was snuggled with… just an autopilot snuggle… he says to me… “best idea ever Sophia”. Except, he used my real name… I asked him, ‘What idea is that?’

We had been talking the night before about how much we have in common, how much fun we have, how often we can travel to Denver and them to Asheville… and planned a trip together to enjoy a bourbon tour or several and the super bowl that same weekend in Kentucky… and we have a week planned together around the end of the year/first few days of the year… yep… our tickets are purchased and days requested off… well, for one of us… the other three have more flexibility in that area… thank goodness…

The idea he was talking about was discussed before they arrived, I mentioned that I love it when meeting with a couple that the focus is not on them as a couple and us as a couple and staying on our individual sides of the table and then suddenly when it is decided to play that we change up sides… you know… like focusing on who will be my date and Mike on his date…

This is what they love too… they enjoy being able to flirt with their upcoming partner and they know that the flirting and focus does not diminish their/our primary relationship… yada, yada, yada…

Can I tell you how fucking happy that makes me… someone, or in this case two someones who get it…

So this idea I had… that he loves… and as it turns out… so does Amber and Mike… when the four of us are together… and we have so many trips planned already… we split up as ‘new couples’… like we have done this entire weekend… and just enjoy our new ‘coupleship’ and our spouses and the other woman/man as we want… but with the understanding that even though all my attention is on Mark this weekend… no one is going without or less than…

Mark punctuated this statement with sliding his cock between my thighs from behind… sleepily pumping and tweaking my nipples… whispering in a sleepy voice all the things he loves about this weekend and me… and I am thinking I am this is such a good thing and what I thought this was supposed to be about when we began in 2013…

As Sunday turned into Monday morning and we had another easy morning… can I tell you how much I love working primarily from home and Mike working later in the afternoon… it made this morning so much more fun… we had a big breakfast the four of us… some individual sex… some group sex… a shower or two… and time to snuggle and nap… and then they headed off to their next destination 4 hours away for her work… she was already missing Mike… and I was missing Mark… but dear Lord… my pussy needed a break…

And as I mentioned in the beginning… it was a good thing I wasn’t able to meet them alone on my first trip to Denver… this weekend was the best one I have every had with another couple…

Mike and I feel rather fortunate that this goodness happened to us now… we are ready for something like this… something easy… good… fun… and full of sexy release. It has been a challenging summer and we are so ready to get back to having fun with other couples… and a nice surprise happened… the more we opened up to having fun with them for a long weekend… and planning a week trip and a long weekend trip… we found how much we missed this… finding a couple who can handle being a part of a new couple dynamic without drama… It is something more than swinging… less than poly… and so much more fun… I am loving it… I guess what they mean when they say ‘what you need finds you when you need it most’ is true in this case. I needed something fun and easy… and man, I got it in spades…

I can’t wait until our trip to Denver in December! My pussy is eagerly waiting until he fucks me again!

Muah Sophia

A Vanilla Man’s Crush

For the last few months there has been someone who I believe is not a swinger who apparently has a crush on me. I didn’t notice he had a crush on me at first because I had just met him… the first conversation we had was a phone call and it was for work… so I didn’t think it was all that flirty… but then again I am often flirty to everyone without really thinking about it being flirty.

Anyways, this was in early August and I was having to work with him on building a training program for our new program… and the phone call was rather interesting as he is a bit dry when walking with him that first time… then we met in person at the studio.

He sat next to me as we were training the trainer… all very innocent I believed. I laughed as I usually do… and joked… and then I noticed he enjoyed long conversations with me that were quite engaging… the others in the room were like… “umm, what the fuck?” I guess they never saw him flirt with anyone… ever…

The belief was that he was just in a weird mood… an off day or something… something had to be in retrograde because this was not normal behavior for him.

Me, I just thought it was normal behavior not knowing anything different.

Then I would get ‘business’ calls asking for help on the training program…

And then emails asking how late he could give me a call… about the training programs…

And the calls never ended quickly…

And we covered a lot of ‘business’ topics with a few flirty comments that could be taken… differently than just work.

Again, I didn’t think much of it as this is normal for me.

Then someone who knew him for a number of years commented after hearing him and I on the phone before his workshop he was leading (the reason for me to be working with him) laughing and joking and out-and-out flirting… and they could not believe what they were hearing… this guy was out and out flirting with me.

The next day was not only Halloween but his workshop he was leading and he asked me when I was going to be there… a perfectly normal question since I am coordinating the training. Or so I thought. He asked me if was going to wear a costume for Halloween… I said nope… he said darn… and then he arrived at the training location.

And he flirted big time while we were setting up… found all kinds of reasons to touch my arm… all kinds of reasons to say my name… all kinds of reasons to laugh… and then…

A coworker was by the door and watched a lot of this play out and she had been party to some of the other conversations like the phone calls and in person flirting before… and she just stood there laughing… she knows I am ENM and was enjoying it play out in front of her…

My flirting was on this side of business-ish… and didn’t cross the line… and yet, his got bolder… and he is not that type of man usually…

She walks in and says hi to us… and he never stopped flirting with me… she figured he would…

During the training he flirted with me and was far more outgoing to the others than he usually is… she laughed her ass off…

After the workshop, he waited to walk me to my car… it was so cute…

The next week, his second part of the workshop took place and he acted the very same as he did with me prior… it was so cute… and I mentioned my husband in conversation many times and he never skipped a beat in his flirting… my coworker was shocked to put it mildly.

After that second week we wouldn’t have as many opportunities for communication outside of running into him randomly in the community. He sent me an email… I responded and it was work related… but I added a few lines of what could be innuendos… mostly talking about how I am going to go through some withdrawals of not talking to him or seeing him as we have little reason too…

He picked up on those little innuendos and commented on how he didn’t want to be party to me suffering withdrawals… and has come up with reasons to communicate with me…

Last night at an event in the community that our company was producing, he was there. He said hi to me… and because I was on my way to the other side of the room to take care of something, I couldn’t spend much time talking with him… I was able to touch his arm in an affectionate manner… and he grabbed my hand that was on his arm and held it briefly…

Throughout the rest of the evening I would look his way and he was watching me… made eye contact with me… and it was so sweet…

This morning he sent an email telling me how good it was to see me… and how he is hoping we can work on something that is not going to happen for a few months… he asked if he could give me a quick phone call… to discuss a timeline…

During this phone call… we barely discussed the project he wants to work on with me… we did however talk about my withdrawal symptoms… I laughed and joked about the withdrawals being worse since we didn’t really get to talk last night…

The conversation took an interesting turn… again… not so much talking about the project… but how we needed to get together… and as an afterthought… for the project…

I joked with him and said “If I didn’t know better, I would think you have a crush on me.”

He got silent…

Right before I became awkwardly so… I told him “It is okay if you do have a crush on me.”

He nervously laughed…

I said, “If you did have a crush on me and if you did admit to me that you have a crush on me, I could probably admit to you that I have a bit of a crush on you.”

I heard him let out a big breath…

Still no words from him.

“Do you want me to let you know that if you have a crush on me… and if I have a crush on you… my husband won’t mind?”

Dead silence.

I didn’t say anything until after he did.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Why won’t he mind?”

I explained to him that we are ENM and all about hall passing… and all about some of the fun we could have… and with my husband being all right about it…

He then said the sweetest thing ever…

“When I realized I had a crush on you I figured it would go nowhere. Now that there is a possibility to do something about this crush it changes things… I mean… we could grab a drink… grab dinner…”

He pauses for a while… I let the silence linger.

“I could kiss you. I mean if you wanted me to, I could kiss you…”

He is quiet again and then he whispers… “We could have sex.”

“Yes we can… grab a drink, dinner, kiss… and have sex” I say…

He is quiet again… I do believe this is his true personality… introverted and quiet as he thinks about things deeply…

“I really never thought this would be a possibility to even consider seriously. I just figured it was a fantasy that would remain unfulfilled. This is blowing my mind. I could actually kiss you.”

Now, that is so very sweet… that kissing me is something he has been thinking about in regards to me… I loved it…

A coworker arrived at the studio and I had to end the call… he promised he would reach out to me after he has some time to process this… and that he can’t believe that he can kiss me…

He could hear the coworker on her phone and said he would let me go… I gave him one last thing to think about before I let him go…

“You do know that you can do more than just kiss me right?”

He groans one of those sexy groans men do… “You are killing me, you know that don’t you…”

I made a kissy sound and said “Bye” laughing as I hung up.

Guess who decided to come to today’s training class… just to check it out as it had been a while since he been to one…

Yep… him.

And guess where he sat?

Yep… right next to me… on my right as we faced the front of the classroom he was sorta behind me…

Every once in a while his leg would brush mine…

He would touch my arm to ask me a question or make a comment…

It was like we were in high school… the room was dark so we could see the slides the presenter had…

Fuck, my nipple were hard the whole two hours…

I needed to gain some composure a few times when he would lean forward a bit and whisper in my ear shit that was utter nonsense and only being said to torture me… He definitely had the upper hand at that moment…

I was thrilled when I gained it back a few moments later…

I wrote a little note to him… I may have mentioned how much I want to kiss him… and just exactly where I wanted to kiss him… not just on his mouth… but yeah, I wanted to start there and then… as I moved down his mouth and his neck… BTW… is there any place on his neck or chest that brings him pleasure… and went into some great detail of how we could find out just what areas are most sensitive… and then I wondered if the tip of his cock was sensitive all the time or more so after he cums… and how maybe I should take my time and find out just where and how sensitive…

And you get the drift…

He was hard in no time.

He shifted a few time in his seat… and then told me to stop smirking… he was being tortured and there is nothing funny about it…

Oh, I am going to have so much fun with him…

Happy, Happy, Happy…

Muah Sophia

Men and Respect Follow Up

Earlier today I received a text from one of the guys on yesterday’s blog. He wanted to follow-up on what he said yesterday. He asked if he could call me so we could talk about it. I said sure. My commute home was filled with traffic issues from three accidents. He called, I listened.

He started off by saying he needed to clarify what he meant by saying he loved me and his wife knows and is not happy with me.

Now remember it was about respect that I was asking about and how important it is and love came up because what I read said men want respect before love or over love. I wanted to know how that plays out with swingers.

So… he starts off by saying when we met and had sex I was over the moon. I crushed hard on you. You flirted and made me feel like a manly man. You paid attention to me. You used terms of endearment and remembered things I said. My wife didn’t do that for me. We are empty nesters and you’d think we would have time to talk and do things. We do but we don’t talk or do anything.

I find you attractive. Funny. Smart. Witty. Sexy. And the list goes on. But I also am challenged by you. You expand boundaries. I talk to my wife about that and she is bored. She is not interested. But when I mention you suddenly her desire for sex increases and it’s nonstop.

I know I’m being manipulated… but there you go… I am a man. I let her manipulate me so I get laid.

Then I remember that you are honest with me. I don’t feel manipulated. I feel respected and more than that wanted.

I feel loved.

Just to keep you up to date… I haven’t said anything to him other than ‘hi sweetie’.

Over the years they fought about me. He talked about me too much. He acts like I’m perfect and she’s a bitch. That was her stating that, he never said that about me. He knows I’m not perfect. I may have put him in his place a few times and he still is bitter about it cause I was wrong in that opinion. According to him. LOL.

He stopped talking about me as much to her. He wasn’t thrilled with her behavior. He shared that with me today. Before today I picked up on it but kept it quiet. It’s their drama not mine.

He has snuck around to text me at times. He was mad it came to that… but at the same time it showed him a few things about their marriage.

He also said he has jumped through her hoops and for what end?

They had a really big fight right after our last hall pass. She was pissed at me because I wouldn’t share details. She told me she doesn’t want to hear them and got mad because I didn’t tell her.

It was ugly.

It lasted a few weeks.

She won’t let me hall pass with you anymore.

She asked me if I love you.

I said in a way yes.

She wants me to have nothing to do with you anymore but I told her I will continue to text you but at this time no more hall passes.

Side note… yikes, holy moly, damn, fuck and shit.

So…. what on earth do you say to that?

I mean… fuck.

This was not what I was expecting to hear.

So I say…

‘It’s not the first time someone drop this kind of bombshell on me and I still don’t know what to say.’

It seriously is not the first time and I don’t know what to say this time either.

I’m silent for a moment or 20…

Then I say this… what I should have said every other time this was dropped on me and I was expected to carry some one else’s baggage.

‘While it breaks my heart that you and your wife are going through this, this is not my burden to shoulder. It’s not my baggage to unpack and put away all nice and neat for you. I don’t want to sound cold and uncaring, but this is not my responsibility to fix. I would love nothing more to fix it, but I didn’t create it. If I can be of support to you during the recovery, please know I’m here.’

He was silent for a bit. He then said, ‘I expected no less from you. I knew you would be honest with me. I knew there was little you would be able to do because this isn’t really my issue either. It is hers. She is the one who needs to address her issues. I can’t fix hers either. When she wanted me to not communicate with you I was told it was because you treated her poorly. You never treated her poorly. You never really had much contact with her because she didn’t want to… it really has to do with respect. This conversation has brought about a need for her to heal from whatever is causing her pain so we can heal.

And I feel loved and respected by you.’

Yeah, that was hard… but it was definitely enlightening.

Muah Sophia

Mmm, Men and Respect part 2

In the previous post I talked about men and respect and how men tend to value respect more than love even with regards to women they love. So… because I am who I am I thought I would see if at least three men would be willing to let me interview them on being a man, a swinger, respect and love. This is not to say that the men that I am having this conversation with are in love with me… but I wanted to see where this lands when having a conversation.

None of the men I spoke to in regards to these topics is anyone that I am or have been in love with… which means, I did not ask my husband these questions.

I asked in total 7 men the questions and depending on their ‘ability to share’ they moved to the ‘mentioned in the blog’ status. Four men were willing to answer all my questions, three would rather not and their reasons for not are interesting… yet, they did answer most of the questions but not completely. Four of the seven admitted they did have some feelings that they have in the past felt were ‘love’ or at least strong infatuation. Of those seven men asked, six said that they could see falling in love with me based on who I am and four admitted that they know their wives are not a fan of mine because of how they feel about me and it has in fact caused some issues at home. The three that did not admit to their wives being upset that they like me as much as they do said it is largely because they have made sure their wife has no idea how much we communicate and to the depth of that we do.

That is a lot to unpack so let’s begin.

All seven men stated some version of “there is something about you that is so fucking captivating”. And yes, that is one quote from one of the guys. Most of the answers stayed towards the ‘you are so sexually free and open’ and .you have a confidence and sexuality that is so fucking bewitching’. I won’t lie… it was a rush to hear that from them.

All seven men stated something along the lines of… “I wish my wife would be as free sexually as you are…”

All seven men said a version that “It is easy to get to know you and feel comfortable with you” and “I feel like you are one of my best friends as I can share my secret sexual desires and fantasies with you” and “I can share more with you than with my wife about what I want sexually.”

I naturally asked them… “Why is that possible for you with me?”

Four came out and said almost verbatim “because I feel you respect me”.

Three hem-hawed in their answers and said something along the lines of “you share with me as much as I share with you.”

I followed up and asked what each person meant when giving that answer.

~ Never have I felt like sharing with you my deepest sexual fantasies I would be ridiculed or made to feel bad.

~ When I share something big with you, you share something big with me. It is not a contest with you but almost like a ‘thank you for trusting me’ and showing me that you trust me as well.

~ Despite the fact we [wife and I] are swingers, we don’t share our sexual fantasies with each other. I am bisexual but my wife doesn’t want me to be and I can’t share that with her. You get so turned on by me embracing my sexuality that it makes me feel I can be myself around you. No one else really makes me feel that way. I have to hide my bisexuality, even from my wife.

~ I can be honest with you even if I don’t agree with your blog or forum posts. That honesty is valuable to me.

~ I know you are no where near perfect and you embrace your imperfections. You make it easy to embrace my own imperfections. You make it easy to be honest.

~ To be completely honest, I think I have been in some form of ‘love’ with you since we first met online. This was back in 2013 and we started talking. Then we met and had sex. It was a huge blurred line for me. You didn’t always act like you liked me but in part that made me like you more. Now that is fucked up.

~ I am not sure what I will get out of answering these questions. I have deep feelings for you and have for a long time. I am not calling it love but I am certain my wife would not be happy with me if she knew the depth of what I feel for you. I feel these feelings for you because you act like you like me, want me, and respect me. Few women do that when swinging and even fewer wives act that way towards their husbands.

It was at this point I lost three of the guys who were responding to me. I asked the following question “Does your feelings for me as you declared them above cause you to think you love me?”

The three I lost at this point stated the following:

~ I feel something along the lines of love. Is it the same as the love I have for my wife, no. It might be more than what I feel for her most of the time. I am not going to be able to continue to answer your questions. I could get into a lot of trouble with my marriage if I do.

~ Sophia, I think you already know that I have deep feelings for you that are best not defined. I can’t answer anymore of your questions as I can’t be that honest right now.

~ Damn, you may not respect me after I answer this question, but here goes nothing. There is a part of me that has loved you in some way for the last 4 years. If I try to figure out why or how I may realize that I don’t want to be married anymore.

Of course, I followed up on those responses with concern for them and what they answered. All gave me assurances that they aren’t leaving their wives for me… but they were seriously thinking about their relationships with their wives as they found some issues in their marriage (the bisexuality as one example) that need some attention. They do not blame me for these thoughts or concerns in their marriage. They admitted versions of – “this has been an issue all a long” and being asked these questions brings it to mind that they really need to do something about this… and not sure what that will be… one stated, “probably not do anything as it is a marriage and sex is not the only thing their relationship is based on…

I offered each of them apologies if this is because of the questions I asked. Each of those three men stated a version of… “it is what it is” and ‘life is messy’. One pointed out that this is why he can share with me what he has because of my heart being tender with him.

The other four men answered the questions and their answers were not far off of what the others answered… but they went a bit further in their answers.

~ Sophia, You have often explained how love is fluid and can change over time. I agree with you. I can say that I love you without reservation. I do. I love your sexuality. I love your laugh. I love your smile. I love you tits. I love that thing you do with your pussy where you grab my cock and fuck that makes me cum so fucking hard. I love that you love doggy style and that you love anal. I love that you will finger me and I love that you will use a dildo on my ass. I love that you tell me how much you want me and crave me and need me. I love that you tell me that your pussy is mine. I love that I can get you to shut up by bringing you to the edge and then over the edge. I love that you make my cock so sensitive after you suck me dry. I love how you blow my cock. But what I really love is how you make me feel smart. And needed. And wanted. And I love when you make me feel like the best lover you have ever had. You do that by making me feel like you respect me. You respect my opinion. You respect my skill. You respect my desires. You respect my time and attention. I love how you don’t text all the time. You make me start 99% of all contact and you respond quickly. You are excited (at least your texts make me think you are excited) to hear from me. Our texts aren’t just sexting but real conversations. But fuck the sexting is hot. You can make me hard just by seeing your name pop up on my phone. But when you remember something I like that I know you don’t really care for but mention it to me because you know I get hard from it… like when you answer ‘yes sir’ and I know it is not for your benefit but for mine… damn, this is hot and a show of respect to me. I am not in love with you to the point I would leave my wife, but I do love you a lot. Remember love is fluid as you describe it… and in this case, I notice how you show your respect and love to me through these messages. No, I won’t leave my wife for you, but I love you a lot in a number of different ways. I feel that love because of the respect and trust you show me. So, yeah, I love you because you respect me and I know you respect me.

~ My wife won’t like this conversation we are having because she is already jealous of you. She can’t pinpoint why she is jealous of you but when I bring up your name she rolls her eyes. I will ask her why and she just says that I know why. I do. She knows I have deep feelings for you. To me they are more like deep best friend feelings that are love-ish but not love as in I am going to marry you love. Hopefully that makes sense. I love you but am not in love with you. I feel this for you because I feel you respect me. This is what you were asking about right? Do I feel you respect me? Yes, I do. Sophia, you have always treated my wife with respect. You have never talked bad to me about some of the bullshit she has pulled. You have looked at the many sides of why she does what she does. But never put her down or make me feel like she is a burden I bear. That shows me how much you respect me. That is important to me. It shows me that you love me as a friend. I find that very sexy and a turn on and since we are talking about respect being something that men crave, I would say you understand this and are able to express this to me by how you treat me with respect.

~ Respect is one of the core values I have. The fact that you looked at this issue and how it goes with swinging is pretty fucking impressive. How many women that swing would do this. Most women just go on and on about they want and never bother with what the man wants. You show respect from that aspect as well. I love that about you. Do I love you? Do I feel love for you? Yes, as a friend. That is something I crave more than you can imagine.

~ My wife and I argue about you all the time. I hear her say “What the fuck does she do to you that makes you think she hung the moon and stars”? My go to answer is “She makes me feel respected.” No lie. Imagine how surprised I was to get this question from you. Yes, I read your forum posts. Yes, I read your blog. Yes, we text and talk about all kinds of things. I share what I learn from you with my wife. She isn’t happy because we have some awesome conversations. But at the same time it is making her look past some of the hangups she has to see what could be done. We joke sometimes and say “WWSD?” What Would Sophia Do? One of the things you do that I adore is your straight answers to forum posts and your blog. You answer based on what you think and not to get laid. That is sexy. And that shows just how much you respect others. I know I love you. Just not in that way.

I am sure you can figure out how good I felt having this feedback. I mean, who wouldn’t feel pretty damn good that these men think highly of me… but that was not the purpose of this post… I asked this final question… to keep me grounded.

“Is there anything that I could do to make you feel respected that I haven’t done?”

Nope.

Muah Sophia

Mmm, Men and Respect

I am feeling pretty damn lucky overall as it goes towards my sexually social adventures… I have enjoyed a lot of experiences and adventures… I have also noticed there are many things I still want to do or try… and that has gotten me thinking back to what I have done and ahead to what I want to do…

Over the years I have met some incredible men… had some incredible experiences… and enjoyed many wet and wild times… I realized as I looked back at what I have done and the men I enjoyed that certain things meant more to me than others… and I learned a lot about men… and that is a good thing.

I also realize there is a great deal about men that I am looking forward to learning more about… and that makes all this even more exciting.

One thing I learned recently is the need I have for ‘respecting’ my partner…

And if you think you know where this is going… I may surprise you…

I took some time going over the experiences I have enjoyed and realized that when I crave a man it is because I respect certain aspects of his character… his being… who he is and it is not necessarily tied to what he does for a living… so I can move that out of the respect is based on job he has… or career… or education.

It makes sense that this is not what the basis of my respect is formed… most of the time when meeting someone for some ethical non-monogamy (ENM) fun we often purposefully do not disclose what we do in specifics or in details… we keep those things close to the vest so to speak…

And while that is often necessary and good (as in smart to do) it makes it more challenging to respect someone for their career and education… and this goes against the societal norm…

One of the things that I recently discovered is the need to then have other things that one can respect in a man… and here is the bit that is most important to know… men like to be respected more than they desire to be loved. Even by women they love. Men crave respect more than love from the woman they love… and when you look at what the basis of ENM is… it is the sexual manifestation of what most men crave… and it is not sex… it is not love… it is the physical and emotional sense that they are respected.

When I realized this it was one of those WOW moments.

A game changing moment…

A holy fuck… this is makes sense moment.

And because I am such a giving person… I am going to share what I realized.

Of the men who I have invested quality time in developing a relationship with… my husband, the two other men I love, the friendships that have come about through swinging or ENM… and the men who felt a great deal of connection and even considered that connection to be love on their side… it all had something significant to do with me respecting them and them FEELING without a doubt I respected them.

And I didn’t even realize that was the secret sauce.

I have only loved 3 men in my life… nothing new there if you have read my blog previously… said that before… and it is true… only loved three men… but have been incredibly drawn to many men… and enjoyed getting to know many of them to some rather deep levels… I loved getting to know them… and exploring things with them that brought them even closer to me. These are great and deep moments of closeness and sometimes there hasn’t been any actual sex yet because of those pesky logistics… but the emotional connection is strong… and even if it did not last years with regular contact… you know life gets in the way and you have to deal with life and sexy conversations don’t happen as often as one would love…

Life gets in the way, but suddenly there will be a text that brings it all back to the forefront… and it resumes and mmm… you remember why you love men…

So, in my recent remembrances of ENM partners I realized that the ones that I had so much fun and developed deeper connections with… all of those had something in common.

I respected those men.

A lot.

And deeply.

I looked at the group of men a bit more – and thought about what they physically looked like and guess what… I realized that most do not fall into a type that I crave… I realized I do not seek a particular shape, height, hair color, and you get the picture… I am not a physical type focused woman… and that led me to realize what does make me want a guy…

Oh and before I go towards what does make me want a guy… I need to say this… I do noticed what a guy looks like and feels like and smells like… and I do enjoy them physically… but it is not the first thing I notice… or care about… especially because I often learn about them on the forums and through emails before we meet… and I may look at their profile quickly, but do not put all that much stock in the photographs… but it does play into the ‘whole’ guy that I want… want to get to know and enjoy…

I realized that what makes a man so fucking appealing to me is one that I can respect…

And when I break that down a bit more… I respect a man who has an opinion… even if I don’t agree with his opinion.

I enjoy the growth that comes from a difference of opinion… good grief I do… I enjoy a lively debate… a deep conversation… a exploration of ideas… and some passion that comes from that area of manly goodness…

I am not interested in a ‘yes’ man… and while I do love to be a bit more dominant… I want a man who can in fact hold his own with me… that will risk having a difference of opinion from me… fuck that is sexy… a man holding his own… and doing it with humor, a bit of sarcasm, and a lot of creativity… yes sir… that is delicious…

On Kasidie I have had the privilege of meeting many men… some as a part of a couple and some as hall passing fun… and I have enjoyed seeing the ‘foreplay’ happen on the forums before we met… and damn… I have to admit part of that foreplay is not always getting along on the forums… sometimes we have some rather heated exchanges…

And here is why I love them so much…

I have great respect for a man who will disagree with me with confidence that I still want him even if he doesn’t cater to my every whim… and believe me, I will push it to see if he will… and if he caters to my every whim… I am not as attracted to him… I find myself starting to lose interest… and yikes… that is not good.

Having a man I can respect means having a man who will stand his ground on things worthy of standing his ground on… and let’s be honest, there is a huge difference between standing firm on a principle or topic and being an ass who is so stuck in his ways that he is inflexible and unattractive.

So, a man who has that balance going for him… is one I find very sexy and that means I find him very worthy of respect.

As I was looking at this new insight from this perspective… this lens… I realized that those men who I respect appreciated that respect give to them… and of course, I did not announce at any time “I respect you”… but rather I demonstrated in many ways unknown to me that I respect them… that I valued their opinions… I may not change my opinion easily or at all… but I respected them sharing their opinions…

And let’s be honest… you didn’t sit there thinking that I would suddenly be all submissive to your every opinion now did you?

Being a beautifully flawed woman… if there isn’t a better way to describe me and most women I don’t know what is… but being a beautifully flawed woman who is fiercely independent and yet wants to be gooey with men… having a man who you can respect enough to get their opinion or input or yes, even approval is huge… and it says more about the man than the woman…

The man who receives the respect from a woman says so much more about the man… not because of a job title, income level, or other societal benchmarks but rather because he incorporates integrity, intelligence, and other traits that demonstrate his worthiness… and while it is difficult to explain what this mean on an individual basis, it does come across as a man who women notice and in the case of ENM want… because it is highly attractive to women… and often seen as the elements of lust, infatuation and yes, love.

It is the reason many women ‘fall in love’ or at least lust with men when in fact they are feeling respect for them… shared connections with them based on the commonalities they have in ethics, morals, values, and what makes a partner worthy of another.

And before you get too far from this point I need to make… women will equate respect for a man as elements worthy of a partner/spouse and so on as women see a man who they respect as one worthy of that role… it is the basis of keeping the human race happening… if women didn’t equate respect and love as connected there would be no reason to seek a man to procreate… basic version of this… but accurate.

And yes, this is a bit heavy… but have you every wondered why some people connect at a deeper level than on a purely sexual basis?

It is because their energies or those elements that make you stand up and take notice of someone are at a higher level than merely sexual in nature.

It is why for many people they become friends…

Or lovers…

Or partners…

There is a connection that is stronger based on the elements that cause you to respect someone for more than a sexual experience – dare I say – one and done.

As someone who loves those types of connections… it is great to see that this is something I seek even before I knew why I did. Or that I did. It is crazy to realize, but it is awesome to know.

I have written previously about submitting or surrendering… and the journey that took… and I found that the very reason I could choose the man I did for the whole surrendering was because of the amount of respect I had for him… still have. I trusted him because I respected him to such a great deal. I sought out his opinion on many things… big and little. I had trust he was worthy to surrender to and that he would respect this coming from me. A perfect example of this really… and wow… that was huge for me… the purest sign of how much I respected him.

The same is true for my husband… I submit to him in a traditional sense as it relates to our marriage… and respect his opinion… and have for 29 years of marriage and 30 of being together… I do this because he has demonstrated over the years that he can stand up to me… and yes, this is the man who also wears a cage and let’s me paddle his ass when he deserves it… and with that said… the level of respect I have for him has increased greatly… a odd dynamic to many but it really does make sense to me… he respects me… I respect him… he does this with me or for me and I have even more respect.

And with both of those men, it was not easy or something that was without some resistance and that made me look at why that was… and I found that it was because of the issue of respect. I respected them and it was me wanting to make sure they were worthy of it… I am a beautifully flawed woman remember… and by showing them they were worthy it increased the amount of respect I showed them in return.

I also saw that the other men who I developed various levels of ‘deep’ friendships and connections sexually or otherwise all have the same elements of respect that matter so much to me… and those who I respect a great deal bring me great joy – and sexual fulfillment…

I reached out to several of these men while thinking about this and asked them if they feel that I respect them and if so, how do I show them that I do. I think I will share their responses in my next blog… it was really interesting and it was more than I was expecting… it brought tears to my eyes and happiness to my heart. Yep, I am going to have to share it in the next blog.

It was a great opportunity to learn something about myself and the men who I enjoy these connections with.

Muah Sophia