Mmm, Men and Respect

I am feeling pretty damn lucky overall as it goes towards my sexually social adventures… I have enjoyed a lot of experiences and adventures… I have also noticed there are many things I still want to do or try… and that has gotten me thinking back to what I have done and ahead to what I want to do…

Over the years I have met some incredible men… had some incredible experiences… and enjoyed many wet and wild times… I realized as I looked back at what I have done and the men I enjoyed that certain things meant more to me than others… and I learned a lot about men… and that is a good thing.

I also realize there is a great deal about men that I am looking forward to learning more about… and that makes all this even more exciting.

One thing I learned recently is the need I have for ‘respecting’ my partner…

And if you think you know where this is going… I may surprise you…

I took some time going over the experiences I have enjoyed and realized that when I crave a man it is because I respect certain aspects of his character… his being… who he is and it is not necessarily tied to what he does for a living… so I can move that out of the respect is based on job he has… or career… or education.

It makes sense that this is not what the basis of my respect is formed… most of the time when meeting someone for some ethical non-monogamy (ENM) fun we often purposefully do not disclose what we do in specifics or in details… we keep those things close to the vest so to speak…

And while that is often necessary and good (as in smart to do) it makes it more challenging to respect someone for their career and education… and this goes against the societal norm…

One of the things that I recently discovered is the need to then have other things that one can respect in a man… and here is the bit that is most important to know… men like to be respected more than they desire to be loved. Even by women they love. Men crave respect more than love from the woman they love… and when you look at what the basis of ENM is… it is the sexual manifestation of what most men crave… and it is not sex… it is not love… it is the physical and emotional sense that they are respected.

When I realized this it was one of those WOW moments.

A game changing moment…

A holy fuck… this is makes sense moment.

And because I am such a giving person… I am going to share what I realized.

Of the men who I have invested quality time in developing a relationship with… my husband, the two other men I love, the friendships that have come about through swinging or ENM… and the men who felt a great deal of connection and even considered that connection to be love on their side… it all had something significant to do with me respecting them and them FEELING without a doubt I respected them.

And I didn’t even realize that was the secret sauce.

I have only loved 3 men in my life… nothing new there if you have read my blog previously… said that before… and it is true… only loved three men… but have been incredibly drawn to many men… and enjoyed getting to know many of them to some rather deep levels… I loved getting to know them… and exploring things with them that brought them even closer to me. These are great and deep moments of closeness and sometimes there hasn’t been any actual sex yet because of those pesky logistics… but the emotional connection is strong… and even if it did not last years with regular contact… you know life gets in the way and you have to deal with life and sexy conversations don’t happen as often as one would love…

Life gets in the way, but suddenly there will be a text that brings it all back to the forefront… and it resumes and mmm… you remember why you love men…

So, in my recent remembrances of ENM partners I realized that the ones that I had so much fun and developed deeper connections with… all of those had something in common.

I respected those men.

A lot.

And deeply.

I looked at the group of men a bit more – and thought about what they physically looked like and guess what… I realized that most do not fall into a type that I crave… I realized I do not seek a particular shape, height, hair color, and you get the picture… I am not a physical type focused woman… and that led me to realize what does make me want a guy…

Oh and before I go towards what does make me want a guy… I need to say this… I do noticed what a guy looks like and feels like and smells like… and I do enjoy them physically… but it is not the first thing I notice… or care about… especially because I often learn about them on the forums and through emails before we meet… and I may look at their profile quickly, but do not put all that much stock in the photographs… but it does play into the ‘whole’ guy that I want… want to get to know and enjoy…

I realized that what makes a man so fucking appealing to me is one that I can respect…

And when I break that down a bit more… I respect a man who has an opinion… even if I don’t agree with his opinion.

I enjoy the growth that comes from a difference of opinion… good grief I do… I enjoy a lively debate… a deep conversation… a exploration of ideas… and some passion that comes from that area of manly goodness…

I am not interested in a ‘yes’ man… and while I do love to be a bit more dominant… I want a man who can in fact hold his own with me… that will risk having a difference of opinion from me… fuck that is sexy… a man holding his own… and doing it with humor, a bit of sarcasm, and a lot of creativity… yes sir… that is delicious…

On Kasidie I have had the privilege of meeting many men… some as a part of a couple and some as hall passing fun… and I have enjoyed seeing the ‘foreplay’ happen on the forums before we met… and damn… I have to admit part of that foreplay is not always getting along on the forums… sometimes we have some rather heated exchanges…

And here is why I love them so much…

I have great respect for a man who will disagree with me with confidence that I still want him even if he doesn’t cater to my every whim… and believe me, I will push it to see if he will… and if he caters to my every whim… I am not as attracted to him… I find myself starting to lose interest… and yikes… that is not good.

Having a man I can respect means having a man who will stand his ground on things worthy of standing his ground on… and let’s be honest, there is a huge difference between standing firm on a principle or topic and being an ass who is so stuck in his ways that he is inflexible and unattractive.

So, a man who has that balance going for him… is one I find very sexy and that means I find him very worthy of respect.

As I was looking at this new insight from this perspective… this lens… I realized that those men who I respect appreciated that respect give to them… and of course, I did not announce at any time “I respect you”… but rather I demonstrated in many ways unknown to me that I respect them… that I valued their opinions… I may not change my opinion easily or at all… but I respected them sharing their opinions…

And let’s be honest… you didn’t sit there thinking that I would suddenly be all submissive to your every opinion now did you?

Being a beautifully flawed woman… if there isn’t a better way to describe me and most women I don’t know what is… but being a beautifully flawed woman who is fiercely independent and yet wants to be gooey with men… having a man who you can respect enough to get their opinion or input or yes, even approval is huge… and it says more about the man than the woman…

The man who receives the respect from a woman says so much more about the man… not because of a job title, income level, or other societal benchmarks but rather because he incorporates integrity, intelligence, and other traits that demonstrate his worthiness… and while it is difficult to explain what this mean on an individual basis, it does come across as a man who women notice and in the case of ENM want… because it is highly attractive to women… and often seen as the elements of lust, infatuation and yes, love.

It is the reason many women ‘fall in love’ or at least lust with men when in fact they are feeling respect for them… shared connections with them based on the commonalities they have in ethics, morals, values, and what makes a partner worthy of another.

And before you get too far from this point I need to make… women will equate respect for a man as elements worthy of a partner/spouse and so on as women see a man who they respect as one worthy of that role… it is the basis of keeping the human race happening… if women didn’t equate respect and love as connected there would be no reason to seek a man to procreate… basic version of this… but accurate.

And yes, this is a bit heavy… but have you every wondered why some people connect at a deeper level than on a purely sexual basis?

It is because their energies or those elements that make you stand up and take notice of someone are at a higher level than merely sexual in nature.

It is why for many people they become friends…

Or lovers…

Or partners…

There is a connection that is stronger based on the elements that cause you to respect someone for more than a sexual experience – dare I say – one and done.

As someone who loves those types of connections… it is great to see that this is something I seek even before I knew why I did. Or that I did. It is crazy to realize, but it is awesome to know.

I have written previously about submitting or surrendering… and the journey that took… and I found that the very reason I could choose the man I did for the whole surrendering was because of the amount of respect I had for him… still have. I trusted him because I respected him to such a great deal. I sought out his opinion on many things… big and little. I had trust he was worthy to surrender to and that he would respect this coming from me. A perfect example of this really… and wow… that was huge for me… the purest sign of how much I respected him.

The same is true for my husband… I submit to him in a traditional sense as it relates to our marriage… and respect his opinion… and have for 29 years of marriage and 30 of being together… I do this because he has demonstrated over the years that he can stand up to me… and yes, this is the man who also wears a cage and let’s me paddle his ass when he deserves it… and with that said… the level of respect I have for him has increased greatly… a odd dynamic to many but it really does make sense to me… he respects me… I respect him… he does this with me or for me and I have even more respect.

And with both of those men, it was not easy or something that was without some resistance and that made me look at why that was… and I found that it was because of the issue of respect. I respected them and it was me wanting to make sure they were worthy of it… I am a beautifully flawed woman remember… and by showing them they were worthy it increased the amount of respect I showed them in return.

I also saw that the other men who I developed various levels of ‘deep’ friendships and connections sexually or otherwise all have the same elements of respect that matter so much to me… and those who I respect a great deal bring me great joy – and sexual fulfillment…

I reached out to several of these men while thinking about this and asked them if they feel that I respect them and if so, how do I show them that I do. I think I will share their responses in my next blog… it was really interesting and it was more than I was expecting… it brought tears to my eyes and happiness to my heart. Yep, I am going to have to share it in the next blog.

It was a great opportunity to learn something about myself and the men who I enjoy these connections with.

Muah Sophia

4 responses to “Mmm, Men and Respect

  1. Sophia, girl I hear you. A man you can respect is so sexy. It’s hard to give your all to a man you can’t respect. Girl you know I love your blog. You keep shit real. What I don’t get and maybe you can explain it to me here but it sounds like one guy here broke your heart. How do you respect him if he broke your heart? I read your blogs and I can’t figure out how you can doffer this, girl help me figure this shit out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Becks… it’s good to hear from you again. I’m not sure how to fully answer your question and not give too much information that I really don’t fully understand myself. I wasn’t given all the details of what was going on and as a result think based on some mixed messages that I received it was not completely what he wanted. While that hurts and breaks my heart, I have respect for the position he was in… while it broke me it also allowed me to experience some incredible things… I can’t explain it all right now as my tears are making it hard to type… but it comes down to this… I have no doubt that I love him and while this is not how I imagined it would turn out, I can’t suddenly hate him. In fact I think it would be easier if I did hate him. But I don’t. Without being able to share all the reasons why I feel how I do, I have realized that I do respect him a great deal. I have for years and that respect doesn’t mean I like everything he does or how it affects me, but I can still see the man making those choices as I mentioned about myself but using that same filter for him… a beautifully flawed man… and with that filter in place… offer compassion for the position he is in… In a simple and pure way I love him… and I don’t see being able to do that if I didn’t respect him.

      Hope that helps…

      Muah Sophia


  2. Damn girl. I am amazed you aren’t fucking pissed at what happened. I’d be. No big epic fight or drama but still brokenhearted. This shit ain’t for the tender hearts. I wish I knew the whole story.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becks, this is a case of amor fati if ever there was one… but what can you do when your heart chooses who you love?

    Muah Sophia


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