Category Archives: awkward

Swinger Engagement – A Man’s Perspective

I had a conversation with a male reader (you would be surprised how many readers are male… lol) and he wanted to discuss my blog posts about engagement… swinger engagement. It was an interesting conversation to say the least… he wants engagement, he doesn’t want engagement, he wants her to engage him but not all the time, but when she doesn’t engage him, he is upset…

I laughed and said to him… ‘you sound like a girl’.

He said, ‘I do, don’t I?’

Here is his conversation we had… I do have to tell you, that most of the conversation was him talking and me listening. Believe it or not, I do this often… if someone has something to say, I will let them say it… And if they have this much to say, they really need to say it. I will also add that I corrected some of his spelling mistakes.

I want a woman to engage me. It is quite simple. I want a woman to tell me and show me she wants me. I just don’t want too much of it. Do you know what I mean? There is a fine line between engagement swinger style and wanting to be engaged to me. If they act like my wife, I am out of it. I want someone who is fun, sexy, flirty, and wants me. I don’t want another wife. Does that make sense? I don’t want to be bothered constantly by the woman who thinks I need to have 24/7 contact with her. There are days where I don’t have anything to say and you can only say you want her so often before you get tired of saying it. I am serious, what do you think?

I get what you are saying. There is something very hot about having a great conversation with someone, but not all day, every day. When you think about why a person is engaging you, for sex… it should be sexy fun. I think we are talking about engagement versus the ‘friend’ zone communication. For some it appears to merge quickly to the friend zone and they forget the wanting sex part. I have had a few guys who thought of me as one of the guys, a spouse to complain about work with, and other less than sexy things. So I think we are on the same page. I agree there are days when I am not able to form a complete sentence and then I have to carry the whole conversation… that usually gets me a bit upset. LOL.

You do get where I am coming from, I have friends that I can talk about a lot of topics, you included. But I am not wanting that with every single woman I try to engage for sex. There is a huge difference. I have a wife and kids, I don’t need another family’s responsibility because you want me to act like your husband or boyfriend. On the other hand, I get upset that women don’t think they need to engage me. I am tired of having to try to get a woman who says she wants to meet us to talk to me. I get upset with my wife when she acts that way to other men. If you do not want to engage a person before we meet or while we meet, sex is not going to happen. I am not going to waste my time trying and trying to get a woman to talk to me before we meet or while we are meeting. 

A few months ago a couple approached us and we responded we would like to meet them. The husband and I made the arrangements. He asked if he could talk to my wife to get to know her some. I gave her KIK out and he gave me his wife’s KIK. He then tells me she rarely talks to anyone before we meet in person. I had to wonder, why ask to talk to my wife then if your wife won’t talk to me? That is fucking stupid. I asked my wife to limit the amount of communication with this husband until his wife communicates with me. She reluctantly agreed after I explained that I am tired of boring as shit dates with people who do not flirt or talk or show us they want us. She was reluctant because she really wanted him. 

The wife didn’t respond to my “Hi, thought since we are going to meet, I would say hi and get to know you a bit. I am looking forward to meeting you.” A day and a half later I sent a message to her asking “I won’t bother you if you are not interested in chatting with me. Could you let me know if you are interested in getting to chat before the date?” I received the following text back. “I really don’t like to text.” I asked her if she would rather email back and forth. Nothing. Two days later we had our date. I didn’t want to go to the date. My wife had only 4 texts with the husband. She told him in the first text that ‘we have a rule to text as equally as possible with our partners, meaning if your wife doesn’t text my husband, I won’t be texting you very much or at all.’ She thought it would encourage the husband to get the wife to text me at least in response to my efforts to find out if she wanted any engagement at all. The other husband wasn’t really that happy with the ‘rule’ we just made up in this case and sent quite a few texts my wife didn’t respond too. It was awkward to say the least. 

We go to the date and they did what you say you hate, they sat on one side, we sat on the other. We tried to switch it up, but they sat down first and wouldn’t move. They were boring to talk to as they barely talked. They kept right up next to each other and touching each other and kissing each other. I told my wife I didn’t want to go as I knew it would be like this and it was. We ordered dinner and when the food came I paid attention to my food and ate quickly. I wanted out of there. The husband came right out and asked my wife why she didn’t answer most of his texts. Awkward. My wife was a bit pissed at this time because the date was from hell. She said, ‘I told you if your wife wasn’t going to text my husband, I wouldn’t be texting you.’ The husband told my wife he didn’t think she was serious. The wife just looked at my wife like she was a bitch. 

We knew very little about them from this date and I leaned over and kissed my wife by her ear and said, ‘let’s go’. I asked for our check and the wife asked me ‘why we are leaving?’ I told them both very bluntly, ‘we tried to get to know you before the date and you didn’t want to communicate with me. We tried to have a conversation with you tonight and you barely said anything. You are sitting by each other, touching each other and not paying any attention to us or letting us know you are interested in us. You are actually sending a message you are NOT interested in us. What is the point in staying?’

She had tears well up in her eyes and I have to admit I didn’t believe they were real. She said, ‘you never told me you wanted me.’ I looked at her with disbelief. I couldn’t help what I said next. It is all true. “I don’t want you. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to get to know me at least a little. I don’t want someone who won’t engage me. I don’t want someone who can’t even respond to a simple text message or at least email me to get to know me. You are sitting there practically on top of your husband and barely look at me or talk to me or show any interest to me. Why on earth would I want you? What reason have you given me to want you?” 

The husband got upset. I decided to let him have it too. I asked him, ‘do you think you showed my wife any respect when she told you to not text unless your wife texts me. You sent her 35 texts in 4 days trying to get my wife to text you back. Then you sit here tonight saying nothing much to either of us and think we want to fuck you. That is just crazy.’ I stayed calmed while saying all of this to them. They just sat there looking like a deer in headlights. My wife got ready to go and the husband says, “I don’t know what your problem is, but that is not fair. We have little experience in the lifestyle and you could have been nicer to us.” I looked at him with disbelief as he is trying to make us feel guilty. I asked him if they act this way to all their dates. He said they did. I asked if they have ever swapped with them. They haven’t. No one would offer to fuck. I couldn’t help it, I told him then rethink how you act and try engaging people, both of you. You are cock blocking yourselves by being cold and impersonal. We got up and walked away. 

They sent an email later bitching at us about how we treated them. I ignored them. Stupid swingers. 

I thought that was a great story. It is hilarious that people think that not engaging people you want to fuck will build interest. It doesn’t. This is certainly something to shake one’s head when you see it.

Muah Sophia

 

 

Examples From Readers – The Best of Swinger Intentions

I must have hit on a topic that many swingers have experienced because I received a good number of examples. Some were similar to what we have experienced… and I could certainly agree with them it is irritating… a few, I had to wonder if they know the same people I do…

Here is the first one…

“I just love it when an ugly person takes an artistic picture of themselves or their spouse to hide the fact they are ugly… and then will tell us our pictures need to be more artistic… I know they are proud of the fact they took artistic pictures… but telling us our pictures are not up to their level when they are not pretty at all… the wife is actually plain, boring, and borderline ugly… yeah, you can use a lot of filters, lighting, and artistic poses… but it doesn’t make your pictures better than ours if you misrepresent yourself…. keep your opinions about our pictures to yourself… ”

“I had a woman who kept telling me I needed a boob job. I needed to get bigger boobs… I would look so much hotter if I got bigger boobs as it would make my belly look smaller. Nice you stupid bitch… maybe, just maybe I don’t want bigger boobs… I am sure you never intended to offend me…”

“Some profile read our profile and decided to send us an email critiquing our profile… any spelling or grammar mistakes… any run on sentences, the content wasn’t any better either according to them… we didn’t bother to list all the shit we like and don’t like (we actually copied the style of your profile Sophia)… and then they told us that we needed to put that we are disease and drug free…. I couldn’t help it… I sent an email back to them. ‘hey you pompous ass and stuck up bitch, your critique of our profile only demonstrated one thing, we would never want to meet you. We wrote what we wanted to write because it is our PROFILE not yours. I cannot fathom why you would think you are an expert. I read your profile and you have spelling and grammar issues too. You come across as stuck up, controlling and you know what… we are not disease and drug free. My husband has asthma which is a disease… and takes drugs for it… I have high blood pressure and I take drugs for that… I would hate to lie on my swinger profile by saying we are disease and drug free when we are not. You also have a few issues that you failed to mention, you are controlling, fucking odd, and very arrogant. I would not go around inviting people to get to know you in the manner you do. Is it really that successful? I doubt it. Give your arrogance a rest, the rest of us would appreciate it.”

“We were in bed having sex with another couple when the guy decided to start telling me what I was doing well and what I needed to improve on. I asked him ‘what are you doing?’ He told me he was trying to help me be a better swinger. I am not proud of what I did next. He was telling me how to give him a blow job. I bit his cock. He screamed out. I got up and got dressed. My husband got up and got dressed and we left. I am sure he had the best of intentions. But I am not sure why the height of my ass on the bed above him while sucking his cock mattered. I am not sure why I needed to spread my legs a bit more to please him. My husband told me in the car that the other wife couldn’t give a decent blow job and it was likely because she listened to him. I am sure he had the best of intentions, but he was a world class ass.”

“This one guy wanted to text me. I swear I want to ask you if it is the same person you have mentioned a time or two. Damn he is about as dense as he can be. He is smart. He has degrees. He is stupid when dealing with people. He doesn’t act like he is really interested in me. I am not sure why he is that way. Why text me if you are not interested in me? I asked him if he actually wants to talk to me. He said yes, but he just doesn’t want to overwhelm me. I am sure he had the best intentions, but underwhelming me is far worse than overwhelming me. Underwhelming me bores me. Please do not spare me of your usual intentions if your best of intentions is this shitty.”

“Sophia, I cannot believe you wrote about this topic. I swear girl, you wrote what I needed to say to a few people. In fact, I sent a few people the link to the post. They may not be happy with me, but at least they will get a hint. Or not. I mean, I did it with the best of intentions. HAHAHA”

“You hit it on the head with the selfish shit. So many swingers are selfish. I have had a few guys tell me they can text me and they are lying to their wife about who they are texting. They will only text when they are not around their wife. He stupid fucker, do you really think that makes me feel good? It doesn’t you ass. You lie to them, You lie to me, You are a lying piece of selfish shit”.

“When you talked about why people do things with the best of intentions and keep doing things that hurt you, I felt like you were speaking to me directly. I have had people say some stupid shit and think it is okay to say it because they say ‘my intention wasn’t to hurt you’. I want to scream to them… then what exactly was your intention when you did it a second and third time after telling you it bothers me!!!!!!!!! I love how you just stated the facts. Swingers are selfish maybe more so than non swingers because they seem to think that they can just do whatever to get some ass and that I will put up with it because I am as much interested in their stupid ass. Come on, I am a girl. I am a cute girl. I can get more ass than your pathetic ass… why am I spending my time putting up with you. I am like you Sophia. I am cutting ties with a lot of people who don’t deserve my attention. Why? Because I am doing it with the best of intentions. Time for me to be a bit selfish and decide, I don’t want to put up with your shit. Yep, you riled me up with this topic and I am glad. I needed this kick in my ass to stop putting up with this shit.”

Now, you may think it was all happy – you go girl comments to me… well, for the most part it was… the next comment was the only one that I got that was a bit negative towards me. It’s okay… I can take the negative comments. As I have mentioned before, I take a number of my experiences if they are similar in nature and combine them into one post… some times I give specific examples… but it is usually specific examples from more than one person, just so the person who thinks it is all about them can rest assured, it wasn’t all about you… and this person pointed out something to me that I want to clarify… but I will wait until you read the comment before I do… so here goes.

“Sophie, I think you are selfish. You write and write about all the things people do to you that you don’t like. What about what all you do to them they don’t like? Are you really that damn selfish?”

My response to this person is as follows.

“First of all, the name is Sophia. It is a bit disheartening that you are going to criticize me and not even care enough to get my name correct. It is Sophia. As in Sophia’s Provocative Adventure. This brings me to this point… and it is a big one… this is MY blog about MY sexually social adventure. Why is it selfish for ME to write on MY blog about MY adventures? Should I only talk about all the lies men tell me that are to make me feel so good for a moment until I realize that they don’t even have permission to text me and have to lie, hide and manipulate their spouse to text me? If they do not have the decency to be honest with their wife, how on earth am I to believe they are honest with me, someone they have not yet met but wants to meet and fuck me? I also have to ask you, if I am busy during the day and make time for them to respond to their texts, shouldn’t they make it worth my time?

I just had to end ‘texting’ with one person because I did not like the person I was by allowing him to continue to manipulate and lie to his wife. I didn’t like who I was by allowing this to happen even if I had no faith he was ever going to make it down my way to actually cheat on his wife. I am not a cheater, I am a swinger. There was no reason to continue texting him because I don’t think I could be a part of cheating on his wife. He admitted he had kissed and touched briefly other women previously and he actually did not think that was cheating. After that conversation and other conversations where he was actively planning on manipulating his wife including lying to her… I had to stop all communicating with him… this is not who I am or what to be. Throughout the conversations I wrote blog posts and texts to him telling him repeatedly to be honest with his wife. Have a fucking conversation. When he started manipulating me and claiming he wasn’t, but it was similar to what he was telling me he was doing with his wife… I knew I had to be done. I don’t claim to be unselfish about this… I do not want to be a part of this… I do not cheat… and he was too weak of a man to be a real man and be honest to his wife… and I am not interested in such a weak man.

I ended a plan to see my by a guy who suddenly changed after the plans were set. No matter how many times I told him the same damn thing… he never realized that what he was doing was alienating me. He determined I was losing interest in him and never once looked at himself as to why I was losing interest. He failed to realize that what I actually write in my blogs and write to him was the truth. I actually am honest. You have to engage me. You can’t spend one or more hours writing a text monologue about your life without engaging me… and a ‘how are you?’ midway through your monologue is not going to work to engage me… it is called an afterthought… and ignoring me because you think I am losing interest doesn’t work for me… Because here is the thing… if you are paying for a conference and a plane ticket and a hotel room for this trip… you may want to make sure you keep me engaged… I am living in this area… I have a normal life… you are the one who is coming to my area… you arriving or not won’t matter to me… my normal life will still happen… you want me to be interested in me… it is your job to make sure you engage me… not bore me… not ignore me… not blame me for you ignoring me…

And here is the thing… both the examples there… both did that ignore me and then think I will want them more… sorry folks, that is not me… you ignore me… I move on.

Have you ever had a coworker go on a decent length vacation and you noticed how smoothly work went with this person gone… and then you and your coworkers and supervisors realized that their job wasn’t really being done… and then the powers that be – or you if you are in that position thinks… life is better without this person… maybe we should think about getting rid of them… and when the person comes back from vacation they are let go? I have seen that quite a few times in my work life… Never been the person let go… but I did see quite a few who, after being gone for a vacation were determined to be more trouble than they are worth…

Gotta say… when you ignore me hoping I will want you more… I begin to realize how nice it is not to be bothered with your texts… seriously, I am busy with work and life and I get a text from someone wanting to know why I didn’t respond immediately to their text after they didn’t text me for a full day… and want to know what they did… I am sorry, I don’t have time to soothe your insecurities… I could care less if you are insecure… fix it on your own time… leave me alone… and if you need to brag about another boring as shit conversation you had with another woman… please leave me the fuck alone… I have to use my phone for work and you blowing up my phone with your hour long monologue is fucking annoying… but hey, make sure after ignoring me for 18 days, you write to me that you miss our chats… and then blame me for the radio silence… yep, that is a sure fire way of getting me to be done…

Here is the thing, I am going to be selfish… Why not, they were being incredibly selfish towards me… They can ignore me and that is alright, but if I don’t come crawling to them… or reassure them that I am not mad… but they do the same thing over and over…

Here is the thing, I set few rules in my sexually social adventure… the main one is to engage me… you want to fuck me engage me… make that engagement count. If you can’t engage me and make that engagement count, you are going to bore the shit out of me. If you are going to bore the shit out of me, I can’t get sexually excited to fuck you. If you act like an arrogant man who only thinks about himself… or a weak ass man… or lie and manipulate and hide things from your wife… like standing outside in the cold and snow so you can text me… or having to find errands to communicate with me… give me a break… what message do you think you send me? It isn’t that you want me so bad you are willing to lie, manipulate and hide shit from your wife… it is that you are a lying, manipulating, hiding shit from your spouse and likely me type of man… and that does not turn me on at all.

I give each person who contacts me an honest opportunity to engage me… I help them with being honest of what I like… and I tell them what I don’t… You want to ignore what I said and do whatever the fuck you want instead… then you get to suffer the consequences.

And these men are… whether it matters to them for very long… I don’t give a shit… As with the vacation example… I am enjoying the lack of stress and annoyance not having their communications has brought…

It is a learning opportunity for those who are willing to learn… for the others… like you… you will only see it as me being a selfish bitch… and I am in this case. My time is worth more than being treated like shit… and both of those men did just that… treated me like shit… both have said repeatedly, they did not intend to hurt me… here is what I say to that… ‘you also did not intend to NOT hurt me by doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results… both of these men read my blog… both of these men were told the truth via text… both these men ignore my words and ignored me… awesome, your choice… just as it is my choice to be done with them.”

The response I received after they read my response… “I guess I didn’t realize that you made attempts to get them to take you seriously. I am sorry I jumped to conclusions. After I sent my comment I read a few more blog posts. I get what you are saying. Sorry for jumping to conclusions, I won’t lie and say I had the best intentions. I didn’t. You pissed me off. I know why. I am selfish and say I never meant to hurt people when I say things I know will. Thanks.”

Well, there you go. Readers thoughts and my very pointed response to a negative comment. I won’t apologize for being upset with how people waste my time when texting me. I love to communicate with people… I really do. I think when you communicate with someone you need to actually make the effort to engage them on a level that shows they mean something to you. If you don’t, why waste your time and more importantly, why waste their time.

Muah Sophia

The Best Of Swinger Intentions

I have been busy over the last few weeks and some exciting things have been happening. I also celebrated a birthday and it gave me some thoughts to ponder… and with all the pondering that I did… I realized some things needed to change.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a person deciding that things need to change. In fact, change is an incredible part of our lives… and to allow change to happen, often allows for one to grow… However, that does not mean that the change will be easy for you, or for those directly affected by the change.

I have heard a number of people state that they do things with the best of intentions, or say things with the best of intentions but they fail to recognize that the best of intentions can cause others discomfort, pain, and a whole lot more work dealing with the ‘best intentions’ than it is worth. I know this may not make much sense… but let’s see where this goes.

On a forum I participate on, there is a thread (one I started) that talks about single males… a particular topic within this thread, started talking about gatekeeping… and while most of the men who claim they are the gatekeepers to make this adventure easier and more fulfilling for their wife… they come across as controlling… and here is the thing… because of my work history, I have worked with women who have been victims of domestic abuse… and because of that I have learned to pick up on “RED FLAGS” of someone who is more likely to abuse a spouse… while I am NOT saying these men who read and filter the emails are abusers or likely to become abusers… in the best intentions of making their wife’s adventure better in the wording of their position they come across as someone who is controlling, limiting their exposure, and other typical signs of a potential or actual abusive relationship.

Do I believe these particular men are abusive… no, but my point is… they have the best swinger intentions but they come across very different than their original intent.

This has gotten me thinking about a few other things… whether my husband is happy with what I decide or not about who I want to fuck and when… I am open and honest with him every time. When I text someone or talk to someone, I am honest about who I am communicating with… my best intentions are to be honest with my husband about my adventure… He is honest with me. This is what I feel all swinger relationships should be… and yet, it is rarely the case.

I cannot tell you how many swingers I have had contact with refuses to be honest with their spouse… whether it is about texting me or wanting to or planning to visit me… they are not honest with their spouse…

I do not understand why they are not honest… and even more confused when I hear that they do not tell their spouse they are texting me because he/she (mostly she) won’t understand.

Here is the thing… I don’t understand. Why are you texting me if your wife won’t understand that you are texting me?

I could never get an answer that was satisfactory. But more than that, it was felt by me that they thought I would be thrilled or honored that they wanted to text me so bad that they would hide it from their wife.

One person told me that they had been standing outside in the below freezing temperature and snow to text me… is that really impressive? No, it is not.

Another had to hide his texting from his wife and went to great lengths to find things to do to communicate with me. Is that really impressive? No, it is not.

Here is why, if they are hiding and lying and manipulating their spouse… what hope do I have that they will actually be honest and straightforward with me…

They may have the best intentions of wanting to get to know me, wanting to talk to me… but the message they are sending is less than the best of intentions.

Some swingers have the best of intentions by telling you they want to meet up with you… and who doesn’t want to be wanted… but how they handle this really matters… because you know what… as a swinger… I really can’t have sex with your best intentions… it actually has to be the person I have sex with, not your best intentions… so telling me over and over you want to meet me and make sorta plans to meet me but never go through with the intentions… makes you less than honest, then than effective, and more annoying than you think…

Your best intentions may be to tell me how much you want to meet me in order to make me want you… a good intention… but without follow through, it is just meaningless noise…

Your best intentions may be to pay a compliment to a person… but if you are not looking at what you are writing and the compliment comes out backhanded… or a dig… or less than an actual compliment, then your best intentions only hurts a person… and the level of hurt varies… and for some the hurt could be translated into – annoyance and not worth meeting – but it doesn’t matter what your best intentions are… you lost any hope with that person of ever taking anything you say seriously.

So much in the lifestyle… swinging… or sexually social adventure is hidden behind half-truths… some of it is necessary because you need to be able to protect yourself, so while we get the need to be discreet… could this be the justification for lying overall?

I know, I am going on the edge of polite society by calling lying – lying… but if you are telling someone that you have no intentions of following through on… isn’t it a lie? Or if you are not open about something with your spouse or your partner… even if you don’t verbally lie… lie by omission still exists and is still lying…

If your best swinger intentions is to tell someone something misleading to protect your identity… is that really necessary?

I really do believe you can tell someone the general ‘field’ you work in… like sales, service industry, professional endeavors, and so on… or… you can say… “my career is not of consequence to our getting together and fucking”… but to tell someone a lie – saying you are an accountant when you are in fact a chiropractor… that is lying with no ‘best intention’…

Being assertive is one area that swingers need to improve on… an assertive person will be honest without having to manipulate anyone or hurting anyone… and assertive person would say… ‘I am not comfortable telling any other swingers what I do for a living, I hope you can understand, but if you can’t, it doesn’t change my answer.’

An assertive person will only make arrangements they can keep. When they cannot keep an arrangement they will address it with honest and open communication.

These are actions that do not demonstrate best intentions with hollow words, lies, or manipulation… these actions demonstrate an honest intention to communicate.

Recently, I had to let someone know that his lying and manipulating his wife was what stopped our communication. I repeatedly told/asked him to talk to his wife and be honest about what he was doing and wanting. He has spent a great deal of money to plan a vacation to manipulate her back into swinging… he wanted to meet me before the manipulative vacation… but because he couldn’t be honest with her… he couldn’t plan anything with me… he didn’t see how ridiculous he appeared… coming up with elaborate plans on how to manipulate her for a number of reasons and plans… and he couldn’t see how he treats his wife is a great insight as to how he would treat me… Every time he told his stories of lies and manipulation, he lost my interest a bit more…

I am not sure what his best intentions were… but he came across as a lying, manipulating and weak man…

Recently, I had to let someone who was going to visit me in a month or so know that I no longer wanted to meet him… I am not sure what his best intentions were with how he was treating me… but they certainly backfired… ignoring me and then blaming me for him ignoring me doesn’t not make a craving happen… it in fact turns any desire to meet into a strong desire to end the plans… and this is after I was very clear of my boundaries on texting.

My day starts early and continues with a lot of things accomplished during the day… my own husband does not understand all of what I do each day… but there is a great deal of work I get done… I also travel for work… that has me up and out of the house sometimes a little before 5 am… I get quite a bit accomplished each day… and I can get a lot accomplished with or without people texting me… but more so when I am not texting others… so I plan my day to get a lot done while others are getting ready for their day according to their schedule and time zone.

I know I have mentioned that I don’t initiate texts with others but on very rare occasions. I know I have said that I don’t out of respect of their jobs and family. That is very true. But here is the other reason. Or reasons. 1. I work from home and I can get 5 hours of work done in 2 hours first thing in the morning. Few people will text as early I am up and working… so if I get up and start working at 7:30 or 8 am… I can get more done before 10 am than most people… I have no work commute. I have not co-workers or employees I have to talk each day to be ‘nice’… I don’t have to shower first thing in the morning… as a matter of fact, unless I have to travel or a very early appointment… I don’t shower until 10 am… when I need a break from work… By then I have already done several hours worth of work because I have no distractions… 2. I don’t actually like to text. Not to particular people, but texting in general. I would rather email a person or chat on the site where I can use more than one fucking finger… I type fast on a keyboard with both hands and I can say more in less time than I can texting… I can’t stand to sit there and be interrupted constantly by someone who takes a long time to write a sentence on a text device… I hate how the conversations take so damn long to say what could be said in 3 minutes on the phone… and since I only use my cell phone for personal and professional calls and communciation… texting is hard when I am on my phone… and I would much rather have a voice call with someone than a 2 hour text-a-thon where nothing much is being said…

With all that said… while I do not like texting… I do like to communicate with others… and I do text because I want to communicate with those who I give my KIK or phone number too…

Sometimes I would rather someone just pick up a phone and call. Or email all they have to say all at once if it a long story to share…

I understand texting is a ‘best intention’ to communicate… but it is?

I can’t tell you how many people moved to the “DO NOT FUCK” list because of their inability to communicate in a quality manner via text…

Here is the point… best intentions often cause more damage than good… I often think that swingers use the excuse of “my intentions were not to hurt” and yet, they do not stop and think before doing, saying, or writing some of the things they do.

We see this best intention of swingers in the flirting and sex too… they have the best intentions of flirting with someone and they can’t flirt… instead of working on their flirting, they don’t try and just announce they aren’t good at it…

Here is my question… in your job… if you aren’t good at something, don’t you learn how to be better at it through typical learning activities, watching others do the tasks and practicing?

Wouldn’t this be a good idea with both flirting and sex?

Shouldn’t your best intentions actually be your best intention instead of using it as an excuse?

I have had a number of female swingers tell me that the guys they are with seem to be a one trick pony approach to flirting and sex… they feel that the same thing for every woman should work… their best intentions are to please the woman… but fail to see what it is the woman they are with actually likes…

This is true to this extent… one woman admitted that the reason she likes to swing is because her husband does the exact same thing ever single time and it is not very exciting at all. She likes to fuck other men because he does missionary style with no variety in the positions… no thrills, no changing up… and you can count the seconds between each stroke and kiss before the next will happen.

She asked him about it… he said he knows what he is doing and does it well and he wants to please the women… his best intentions are to please the women… but he doesn’t… and he won’t change his best intentions because he doesn’t see a point.

People who get stuck in their best intentions do so because of a few core reasons… and none of them have to do with the other person they claim the best intentions are for… they are solely for the ‘ease’ of the person doing the best intentions… please note, for the sake of describing the action, the term ‘hurting someone’ is used. If you are ignoring what a person has asked you to not do… you are hurting someone whether or not they use the words ‘hurting me’ – just go ahead and assume that hurting, irritating, annoying, making me angry, and so on are just synonyms of being hurt.

  1. They prefer to claim they are unaware of their intentions are less than positive or even hurtful. They really believe that claiming ignorance will work… When someone says ‘my intention is not to hurt you’ but you have told them more than once it is hurtful and they keep doing it, they prefer to ignore you and do what they want to do for themselves… and claiming ignorance after someone has told you more than once or more than one person told you the same thing… you cannot get away with being clueless of the consequences anymore… yet they do… why? see #2
  2. They really don’t care if what they do hurts you. Honest here. They do not. If someone says, “I am not happy with what you just did” and you keep doing it to them, you don’t care if you hurt them. You are only interested in what you want. see #3
  3. They are selfish. I know, harsh… but they are selfish. When someone tells you to stop hurting them, stop saying or doing something more than once, it sends a message that you really do not think of anyone other than yourself. When you ignore a person asking you to stop hurting them because it will cause you to have think before you speak, write, or do something that has hurt them in the past and you don’t want to think of anyone other than yourself… you are selfish.

I had this conversation with a swinger friend… a male… to ask him if my opinion on this was a little too ‘female sensitive’… and I was surprised by his answer… I literally asked him to read this and let me know if it was ‘too sensitive’. His answer. “No, I have been on the receiving line of some ‘best intentions’ of male and female swingers and can say that I felt these things too… I won’t admit it with my name or image attached to it… it isn’t manly to do so… but you are right on the mark with the people purposely ignoring you and being selfish. If they cared about you as a human let alone a swinger they want to fuck, they would think twice before they do or say anything that could hurt you and never do it again if they found out it did hurt you. It seems like society is under the belief they can do whatever they want and not worry about it… you know hurt now apologize later… they don’t realize that sometimes later doesn’t happen or if it does happen, it is too late.”

Couldn’t agree more.

For two people this last week… it was too little too late…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

What I Like In A Guy – Swinger Version

When I was a young girl, I never sat in my room with my diary thinking of what type of guy I wanted to date and/or marry. Seriously, my friends did but I didn’t. I had run across a number of guys in my life at school and in the neighborhood and each of those guys were very different. I would have a school boyfriend and well, we won’t get into details about them… hell we were in middle school and high school… there isn’t a whole lot you can say about what your school provides… In college, well… I went to an all girl Baptist college… yes, there was a military school across town… so again, limited to what is available… unless I wanted to venture to ‘townies’… I didn’t. I went to school in Alabama… with a very Midwestern accent… I wasn’t what the townies wanted when I talked… LOL.

When we started swinging, I thought… hmm, do I want to find a certain type of man – most of the time this is generally viewed as a certain look for a guy. I found that I did not have a certain type… of looks for a guy… I did find that I have a certain type of guy in his personality… and this is not to say that I had to have the same personality… it was more like a grouping of characteristics. Then it moved towards, how socially savvy they are… you know the opposite of socially awkward. Yeah, it is probably the difference between being new on this sexually social adventure and being a bit more experienced. But here is what I look for in a guy.

I enjoy a guy who can master basic communication skills… I know big surprise. But I need to be able to have a conversation with someone in order to want to fuck them on a ‘couple’ date… or a hall pass… this is very much not the case in a house party or club setting… but for the most part, I need to have a guy who can communicate.

I appreciate it when a guy understands me. This means, the guy understands I am not submissive… I am not sure why this is the default setting for most guys… but I am not submissive… I don’t want to be submissive. I don’t desire to be submissive… so please understand that… I am not submissive… so if you try to be all dom male on me… you turn me off.

A guy who understands me, understands that I will not be girl who texts them constantly and being the first one to start the texting conversation. I love to let a guy know I want them… but I have a pretty darn good reason for not starting text conversations on a regular basis with others… It is out of respect for your schedule, your life. I get so turned off when a guy starts playing games with me to try to get me to contact them first. Maybe it is a throw back to the good old days when a guy was to make the first move in communication… maybe it is simply I don’t know your schedule and therefore, when I say I rarely start texts that means, if you want to communicate with me you start the texts.

I find myself making plans with some guys and then they expect me to text them constantly… I guess to show that I want them… but, I cannot do that… I can’t just start texting you at all different times during the day… I do not know your schedule, the time difference may play a part… and then guys think that playing games is the answer… I find myself not wanting to complete the plans… I am upfront about the ‘rarely initiate texts’ in the very beginning… so I want a guy that hears what I say and takes what I say seriously.

I want a guy with confidence. I guess that goes hand in hand with the above comment. If you have confidence in who you are… and that you don’t need to play games with me to try to get me to do what you want me to do. I want a guy with confidence in his desirability and before that goes too far, not an arrogant guy. Arrogance is not attractive… but confidence is…

I want a guy who loves to flirt. I have never understood why a guy doesn’t flirt with me when we have a date set up. That makes no sense. They flirt before the date is set, but after it is set up, they will flirt with everyone else, but not me. Is it because they think, got that date set, no sense in continuing to flirt? Do they not get that flirting is important up to and throughout the date?

Hmm, maybe the next thing should be a guy with common sense.

A guy with common sense. You know, spending time talking to me instead of at me… flirting with me instead of flirting with everyone but me… communicating with me… instead of ignoring me… responding to emails or texts I do send. Those are some really small things that should seem very obvious… but it really isn’t to some men… but how do you think I am going to be interested in you when you can’t let me know you are still interested in me?

I love a guy who will take the lead. Please do not mistake this for me being submissive. Different thing altogether. I want a guy who can make a decision. I want a guy who can state his decision. Make a plan and stick with it. Make sure that I know what they want instead of me having to ask and ask and ask or reassure, reassure, reassure… I mean, if I do not know what you want… how can I plan anything? How can I schedule my time? How can I make arrangements? How can I know what you like sexually?

I love a guy who will take the lead but that does not mean I won’t take the lead at times too. This is important to understand… but when a guy initiates contact with me… I want the guy to have a plan. I want him to have a purpose in communicating with me… here is what I mean… “I would like to meet with you. Are you available on Thursday night around 7 for drinks and/or dinner?” That isn’t hard. But telling a person constantly you want to meet and never offer up a day or time… that is just annoying.

Another example is to flirt with purpose… take the lead and make it known you are flirting with me. There have been a number of guys I have met through the forums on the sites we are on that have flirted with me on the forums… until we make a date to meet. Then suddenly, all their flirting is so hidden towards me… but they will flirt with other women out and out in bold fashion. I am not understanding that at all. Vague references to me, so vague that no one, not even me knows for sure if it is in reference to me. What the fuck? I need a man who is not ashamed to flirt with me… if you can’t flirt with me and you are meeting me, but you can flirt with others you aren’t meeting… am I to assume that you are ashamed of someone knowing you are meeting me… and if that is the case… why are you meeting me?

I have a few guys that get it… and because they get it… I have awesome times with them. They have confidence, take the lead, communicates, is straightforward and doesn’t play games… those guys are what I desire. Those guys are what I crave. I think there are a few guys who seem to need to be cut out of my sexually social adventure. They don’t seem to get it… get me… and I am as plain as I can be with them all the time.

I don’t have a physical must have list… I do have a personality must have list… and those who do not seem to understand that there are certain ways of behaving and if they can’t show they have these personality traits, characteristics, or common sense… well, I am going to have to be a bit blunt and tell them, not happening. Don’t really give a damn if you have made plans… if you can’t engage me without games… I am done.

Hope you are able to make those types of decisions as well. Whether it is physically based or personality based… making these decisions is hard… but necessary. Swinging is supposed to be fun… supposed to be filled with fun sexual games… not these mind games… or shear stupidity…

I say, we all take the lead and take a stand… I am…

Muah Sophia

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 11 – Final Thoughts and Reader’s Comment

I have had a wide range of responses from readers and that really told me that there are two main groups of people… those who want to continue to improve and those who don’t. Some of my responses that showed people want to continue to grow really felt good to read. And no, not just because the people thought what I wrote were great words of wisdom… but because it gives hope that a number of swingers want to make sure they are upping their game to the point where they are willing to change their SOP (standard operating procedures)… a number of folks recognized the changes they need to make because they are not happy with the results…

Here are a few of the ‘happy comments’ I received… with permission to share them as written on the blog.

“I suck at flirting. I know this. My wife knows this. How I got her, I don’t know. But I suck at flirting. I decided to flirt with check out clerks like you suggested. The first time, I was lame. The second time I went too far. The third time, the guy behind me laughed hard. I didn’t ask him what he was laughing about, I failed and I knew it. My wife laughed at me to. The fourth time I got closer to getting it right. I felt good about my attempts. the clerk did to. I had to go to different stores or the store would have thought I was a creeper. We had a date last weekend. I practiced my flirting by text with my ‘date’ and found I wasn’t to bad by texting. When we met, I flirted with her in person and that is very hard. She laughed at me a few times. I asked her why she was laughing. She asked why I was making weird faces while flirting with her. I told her about your blog. We all pulled it up on our phones. Not really something to do on a date as we siad nothing and just read the blog posts. Her husband told her to switch seats with my wife. We did. Waitress was not happy. We all agreed to do a ‘do over’ and start the date over. The other couple any my wife and I decided to follow your blog as what to do. We told ourselves it was to put your blog posts to a test. Some how we forgot about your blog test we were conducting and just started dating each other’s spouses like you said to do. We were so turned on. The guys were hard, the girls were wet. My wife was flirting up a storm. So was I. It wasn’t hard when we decided to focus on our date instead of ourselves or spouses. All four of us raced to the closest hotel. The ones who were not driving read what to do on the date posts. The guys took the lead. We followed what you said when we got to the hotel room. We walked into the hotel me with the other wife, my wife wiht the other husband. It was hot. We started kissing and touching like you said to do. The whole night was hot. It wasn’t our first swap but it was the best swap. We all agreed. I loved that you were right. If we get over ourselves we can have some great time having sex with other people. You have a devoted follower Sophi. Thanks so much for writing the blog. You have a way of talking straight to the person reading. You don’t sugar coat swinging. It does take work and it is so worth the efforts.”

Now, isn’t that something to feel good about. Not because he said I was right and a great writer or anything along that route. But isn’t it something to feel good about because you can improve not only your game but the entire swinging adventure you are on… Granted it may not be easy to get people to read my blog while at the table in a restaurant on a swinger date… but you could always send the potential date a link of the post that means quite a bit to you and then tell them, this is what we do. We tried it and it works. Do you want to try it too?

Here is a short one… “Sophai, great series of articles on social awkwardness. you don’t really hold back any punches and I am glad. i have had so mny guys do the bare minimum and I don’t get it. I swing because I love fucking guys. If they love fucking girls, why don’t they do something to improve. typing on my phone. sorry about my grammar. but work breaks just aren’t very long. keep writing. guys and girls need to do better when swinging.”

I received a lot of those that really made me feel better… and I have shared a few that were not so good… because I did not address the person who told me I didn’t know my head from my ass except for in the blog… I received this reply… “youve got some nerve using my comment in your blog. You think you so smart. Really how died and make you queen of swinging?”

I have a cute little picture I love to share with people who comment to me that someone is fucking with me on the forums… They are doing it so I won’t feel bad… offering me support… but I don’t really care if people agree with my opinions on the forums… or here… it is my opinion, my point of view… you can like or not like it… you can try to sway me on my opinion…and sometimes people are successful at getting me to change my opinion… but if you hate what I wrote… remember this… I am a writer… I write with the intention of instilling passion in you when you read what I wrote… whether love or hate… that is passion… lukewarm does nothing for a writer… except force them to be a stronger writer to instill some sort of passion in you…. so I will put it on here… just for fun… I really don’t think I am a queen of anything… but here you go…

queen

I also sent that picture to the person who commented to me. Here is what I wrote… “thank you for the comment, I am sorry you don’t care for what I wrote in my blog or in response of your comment. I take great satisfaction that I have instilled passion in you and your responses to my blog. As to your comment of “who died and made you queen of swinging?” Since this blog is about MY adventures while I swing… No one had to die to make me the queen of my swinging adventure. Hence the picture of a queen telling you not to fuck with her… it is humorous if you think about it objectively. As much fun as this is to generate nasty comments from you… I will tell you that I am posting these comments on the final post of the social awkwardness series and after that, send as many comments as you want… you will be ignored. Negative consequences for your choice of negative behavior… thanks for reading my blog.”

Nothing since then… must have found a different blog to troll.

I have received a few other negative responses that went on about the fact that I pick on men… I don’t pick on men. I just have more stories about men as that is most of my contact. I have shared a number of girl stories of girls doing bad… or stupid… but my main love of swinging is fucking guys… I WANT TO FUCK GUYS… I just don’t want to fuck stupid guys with no game, no desire to up their game, and 5 minutes of missionary is not my idea of fun… the purpose of writing this blog is to cause the less than desirable men to up their game… to make them more desirable for me and other women… is that too much to ask?

No, it is not too much to ask.

If you are going to ask a woman what she is going to wear for you… she should be able to ask you, what are you going to wear for me?

If you are not going to flirt, why should a woman?

And I have purposely kept many genders out of the back room comments to me… some are from men, some are from women… women want men to up their game… men want women to up their game… it is not that hard…

My final thoughts on this topic… is not so final. I have a few other areas that I want to talk about on social awkwardness that I will wait and address later…

But here is something that you must remember… I enjoy swinging. I enjoy communication with others. I enjoy fucking other men and playing with select women who have engaged me. What I want from my swinging adventure are men and women who are truly deserving of me. Not based on looks, but on the amount of effort they put forth in engaging me.

I do the same for those I communicate with.

I also cut back on the effort with those who do not put forth any effort with me.

If you have communicated with me and have hot and heavy breathing after we have chatted in the past, but now not so much… ask yourself why?

If you can’t seem to get me to share with you hot and heavy conversations and we have just started the communication… ask yourself why?

There has to be a reason. Have you ever asked, “what am I doing or not doing?”

My hubby reads the blog and he has decided to up his game in communicating with me… he tried ‘heyyy sexy’… and I will tell you what… that just grated on my nerves… I told him that… not after he wrote it… but while driving in the car on a 4 hour round trip visit last week… told him that annoys me… doesn’t fit you saying that to me… what does my hubby do… he sends me a text this week while he was at work and I was traveling… ‘sweetheart’ was the term he used… that fit… that made me feel very special… very dear… very wanted… why? because he listened to me…

Another guy starts his texts to me with ‘hey sexy’ and for him it fits… would I tell him that it doesn’t fit? Nope, I wouldn’t. Because the type of relationship we have… he lives across the country and it’s not like it will be more than fun conversation…

The point is this… everyone is different. I cannot have the same type of reaction to the same thing with the same people (only exception I can think of is I don’t like being called a slut or whore no matter the level of endearment you claim to have for me)… but I know that I have to be accepting of how someone is… to a degree… if it is something I just can’t tolerate, I have to say something… if it is something that fits the person and the ‘relationship’… it means that person is unique to you for a particular reason and that is okay… you cannot do the same things to everyone and expect the same result.

The purpose of these posts on social awkwardness in swinging is for you to examine yourself and your areas of weakness and to build them up. No one is immune to this… I certainly am not… Since I was writing these posts in this series I upped my game when I went to a networking event yesterday… first meeting for this group and I wowed them… I am not being a ego maniac here… but I did… I wowed them. How do I know? I obtained 4 strong leads for new clients, 2 or 3 soft leads, a lunch meeting, and I won the door prize (just damn good luck my card stood out from the rest…). I decided to up my game and be my true self, the self that I enjoy being and often do not fully enjoy in these types of situations. Remember when I said I would often sit quietly and observe… this time, I led instead of followed. I did things that I wouldn’t normally do… and I was in a group of realtors… LOL… Just a joke as many realtors know how to really work a room… and I out shined the realtors…

This is all to say… I practice what I preach. I really do try to up my game in all situations. I write as a manner to identify, improve, investigate, inspire, and incorporate… yes, the five I’s I employ…. This is another time when I messages are very good… I need to identify what I need to improve upon. I need to improve on areas where I am weak. I need to investigate how to improve myself in particular areas. I need to find inspiration and inspire the desire to change and grow. I need to incorporate those ‘ideas’ mentioned previously in order to make the change actually work…

There you have it… a self-reflection bit from me. I receive more than $100 an hour from  my clients for that… and all you had to do was read a blog about swinging…

Now go out and swing with confidence and good game…

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 10 Eye Contact and Other Appropriate Topics

I had a friend send a text before I started this series and ask me a question… here is the text communication we had.

“Ok, so I gotta give a little insight first. So when guys stand at urinals in a bathroom there is sort of this unspoken rule that you can talk, but you always look straight forward…. So my question is, is there the same unspoken rule when playing with a couple or a group? I find it difficult for me to look at another guy when we are in that scenario. Either during play, or even making eye contact in the pillow talk after play. Am  I weird? lol Mind you, this is not some major psychological problem, I ask with a smile on my face.”

Ah, guys and their cocks… do you look them in the eye when naked? What does that mean? Is there a great hidden meaning?

My answer to him is “It is a social anxiety issue.”

His response – “Huh?”

Not being able to look someone in the eye, no matter the ‘situation’ behind it is a social anxiety issue. So I text him the following…

“Not being able to look someone in the eyes in general is a social anxiety issue. Means you feel uncomfortable looking at them in the eyes in general. If you can do it any other time, then the social anxiety stems from the activity taking place. In this case, swinging sex. You are OK with looking a girl in the eye you are fucking. However, to make contact with a guy is not something you are comfortable with for any number of reasons. Those reasons in general could be…. you just fucked his wife, you don’t want to him to think you like him sexually, you are hiding a desire to look at his cock, you have unresolved bisexual feelings, you are homophobic, or you just can’t figure out why you should..  Again, those are general reasons and not specifically aimed at you despite using the word you in the examples.”

He replied “Hmmm, interesting. I can’t say I disagree with you, I have been honest with myself about it. I am not homophobic. I don’t long to be with a guy in any way, but I love piles where everyone is intertwined. I have thought about there being guilt for just fucking his wife, but he just fucked mine. I really am just curious about it. As you can probably guess, I don’t struggle socially. I can and usually do talk to everyone. Its just in those scenarios where I struggle.”

We went on to discuss some of the social awkwardness others feel in general about looking people in the eyes and looking the person they are fucking in the eyes. For some, this eye contact makes the sex better. Others, find the sex they are enjoying wrapped up in guilt or the guilt they don’t feel guilt. Some can’t look people in the eyes while having sex with them because they didn’t really want to have sex with them… or while having sex with them they see that the sex means more for the other person than it does them.

Some people have trouble looking people in the eyes…and some people have trouble figuring out how long to look someone in the eyes and when to look away… there is a fine line to this looking into one’s eyes… and I will tell you… like with most things, that fine line is between socially acceptable and creepy.

And this goes on to the ‘other appropriate topics’… such as how much touching and what type of touching is appropriate.

There is no hard and fast rule as everyone is different… but let’s face it… your first touch being a breast or pussy or cock is not likely to be the best choice. It is often better to start small and see the person’s response.

Let’s say we come up with an example of a good and bad scenario.

Bad – You two are meeting another couple. The male half of the other couple comes up to you at first meet and grabs you in a tight hug, boobies are squished and then he kisses you… not just a sweet ‘hello’ kiss, but one of those ‘I’m about to ravish you and shove my tongue down your throat…. while grabbing your ass inside your pants, skirt, or dress.

We can agree that that is a bit too much too fast and often without permission…

What if he hugs you… not a tight hug, but a nice greeting hug, but then kisses you and shoves his tongue down your throat?”

It is still too much… you don’t know if the person wants to have a tonsil check… (BTW, I don’t have mine, so you don’t need to stick your tongue that far down my throat…)

It is too much and too soon for most swingers… it sends a message. The message sent is you have no respect for boundaries and proper behavior.

A good example may be – you and your spouse are meeting the other couple. You are there first… they arrive… you see them and stand up so you can greet them… You tell them you are a hugger… would it be alright to give them a hug… they say ‘we are too’. You give them a hug and it is not to hard, not to soft… and you give both of them a hug… (maybe the men just shake hands, but the girls hug both males and females…) And then while hugging the husband… he asks, “Can I give you a kiss?” You say yes, and the kiss starts off as a sweet hello with a promise of more.

If the person is receptive to the gestures of physical contact and are receptive to the verbal requests for contact, then we know that things are progressing and we can progress to more intimate talk, touch, and so on…

There is nothing more appealing than to be asked if they can kiss you for the first time… It tells the person you want to kiss that you are on their mind, they want to begin to engage you and build chemistry… good indicators that the pre-date communication went well, they understand you want to have desire built… and then you can very quickly decide… “Do they kiss good enough to want to get naked after making out with them.”

If they don’t kiss well, then you have a great opportunity to say, “Nope, don’t wanna get naked with you” or “Maybe another time.” That second option is often used in various forms when you don’t want to say no, but really have to let them know… no of some version.

When swingers meet, they have often given off a list of what they don’t like and do like… me, my biggest is hair pulling and biting… I don’t like either of those… they hurt. They don’t excite me… so this opportunity to build chemistry is also an opportunity to see if they person will listen to me along the way and remember what I said.

You may not be surprised by me saying, few actually take notes, remember, and do what I like and not what I don’t.

I will do everything in my power to do what they like… as long as it is not something I don’t like… to this I mean… I won’t let them pull my hair because it is something they like… but I will do something that they specifically stated they liked… like maybe, they love to have a blow job… they rarely ever have a blow job… I will make sure there is a blow job in the play time we have…

That is what two people who are having sex and are socially comfortable with the rules of polite society will do…

People who are socially awkward will only do what they want and be damned if what the other person wants will happen. And that my friend is why so many people have socially awkward swinging encounters.

I had someone ask me “Am I socially awkward if I find out my partner is socially awkward and I don’t say or do anything to them about their social awkwardness?”

The best answer I have is no, you are not the socially awkward one.

You are in fact, trying to make the best of things while dealing with a socially awkward person. One does not make a ‘scene’ but tries instead to deal with the issues with much grace and considerations for their feelings…

Now, that sounds like Dear Abby may have written that… but here is the reason for the answer I gave.

A socially awkward person will not likely see that what they are doing is in the wrong.

A truer statement never happened. You see, if a person is already doing the ‘socially awkward behavior’ and appears okay with doing the behavior, they most likely 1- don’t realize it is socially awkward, 2- know it is awkward and do not know how to be less awkward, or 3- don’t give a shit… it is all about them….

Your job really isn’t to correct them in a loud and in their face manner…

Take for instance the welcome hug and the tonsil check… Instead of rearing your head back and saying – “WTF Dude?” or other longer versions of that… you could state very clearly “Well, that was a bit much a bit soon.” Or you can make a little joke of it… “I could have told you whether or not I had tonsils if you just asked.” Or you can non-verbally state your displeasure by breaking the kiss immediately, moving away from him and limiting the engagement from then on. This last one is a form of negative consequences that are non-verbal that forces the person to think, “That didn’t get me the results I hoped for…”

I do need to mention this important little fact… Sometimes when swingers communicate with other swingers via electronic means… and often without their spouses involved in most of the conversations, often the two communicating share quite a bit about what they want and what they like… and often that can make some people think that they have permission to do what they want with them…

Someone, like myself may say… I like a guy who takes the lead… I do. Any guy that takes a lead and starts initiating flirting, touching and kissing when we are on a date, gets many points in my book. At the same time, a guy that does not know the lines of propriety, boundaries and common sense… loses not only points but also gets themselves placed on the no fuck list…

Here is an example… I haven’t given you clear indication that I want you to do more than an initial hug for greeting… you thinking you can bear hug me, squish my tits, cop a feel of my ass, and do a tonsil check… without any permission granted… that is wrong…

You have to know the difference between chatting to build interest, desire, and just to get off and what one can do for the first time in a local restaurant where children are present…

You have to listen to the verbal and non-verbal (body language) clues your potential partner gives you… if you are getting the “COME AND GET ME” vibe because you are at a house party or club… then go and get you some…

If you are getting the… “I can’t believe you wore sweatpants to meet me in public and you think that not showering is going to lead me to taking my clothes off, you are sadly mistaken… ”

Or the “I really am all talk and no action, take it slowly please…”

Then you better watch those signs…

Speaking of sweatpants…

When I think of what looks good on a guy… I think of ‘whatever makes sense for the guy, the activity, and the likelihood of us playing…’

This means… I can find a guy sexy in jeans and a t-shirt…

But wait, there is more… the jeans have to fit him nicely, be clean, and worn is okay but not really ripped everywhere… and the t-shirt… not really into a lot of shirts with sayings… or slogans… I do like plain t-shirts… I mean look at the picture I have posted above of me in a plain white T…. but that doesn’t mean I will turn a guy down if he wears a concert, slogan, or other type of t-shirt…

I have seen some guys look very hot in a button down shirt, jeans and appropriate shoes… flip flops don’t really do things for me… and if we are going to be going dancing at a club, playing darts, etc… flip flops are not really appropriate… and unless you are taking care of those feet and that includes toes… I would rather not see them… Foot fetish I do not have…

I have hall passed with guys who wear suits for work and that is what he is wearing when we meet…

All of those things are not out of the norm… most stylists who describe appropriate clothing for certain situations will agree with me… if you want to go casual – jeans (clean and worn okay, dirty and ripped where nothing much is covered is not)… t-shirt… keep the vulgar stuff at home… button down and nice pants – again jeans okay… business casual or business if you are meeting during the day or the event calls for it…

But no where in any of those things does it say… You want to get laid tonight, please wear sweatpants and not just sweatpants, but dirty, stained, out of shape sweatpants and shirt.

Social awkwardness also includes not knowing what to wear in certain situations… just like most women know that if you are invited to a wedding, it is best that you do not wear white if the bride is wearing white. It is just NOT ACCEPTABLE if you do…

You also do not wear bar wear (we would call it swinger clothes around here) to a wedding either…

You want to get laid… you need to know how to dress for what you are doing…

And proper hygiene… all these things are important… and I am not going to debate the shave or not to shave debate… I personally think you should groom how you feel comfortable… if the 70s bush is your thing… well, post pictures of it so we can decide if the bush is out of control or not… if you are into shaved men or women… look for those who shave… it is socially awkward (bad manners too) to demand that your partner shave for you if they don’t normally shave…

Here is why…

What makes you so special that I have to be someone else to fuck you? What are you doing to make me want to fuck you that is out of what you normally do? And if you are demanding that my pussy be shaved… do you really want ME or will any shaved pussy do?

BTW… I do shave… and that is because I have my own reason… maybe I will share it with you some day… but believe me, I started shaving long before swinging…

But my point is… demanding of others to be a certain way in order to get some… not a good thing…

A truly socially appropriate person understands that not everything will be about them. They make an honest effort in their communication, behaviors, and approach to other people. They are willing to do the work to make every interaction they have with others a positive one.

A socially awkward person often knows they are socially awkward in some manner, but lacks the motivation to change… they often expect others to ‘accept them as they are’ despite the fact that their social awkwardness is ‘treatable’ if they choose to change. Most don’t…

That is why so many people have a problem with socially awkward people in socially awkward situations… they think to themselves… why do you want to have couple dates with other swingers with the intention of having sex if you are going to sit there and do and say nothing to make me want to fuck you?

That is the question of the swinging ages…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 9 The Date Continued

Wow, just wow… I upset someone with my post yesterday. As someone who writes and has worked in the mental health field… I have to say two things… first as a writer… you want to instill passion in your reader. A passionless reader is nothing to a writer… one who feels passion after reading something is a gift to a writer – even if that passion is of the negative sort… and second, as a person who works in the mental health field… whatever bothers you to the point you get upset is usually a clue it is something you know you have to work on… no matter the subject.

So… when I get an email, text, or other communication that my ‘date philosophy is complete bullshit and I need to get my head and ego out of my ass…’ all I want to say is “YAY ME!”

You see, this person is upset that I called everyone who does not approach swinger dates like they did vanilla dates suffering from social awkwardness swinger style…

And because of my ‘delusions of grandeur that keeps me from knowing my head from my ass’ I should keep my mouth shut.

I am thinking… “YAY ME!” I hit the nail on the head with this one… proof positive in that response…

You see, I do not have delusions of grandeur… I know this because I can pat my head at the same time as my ass and not get confused by the two….

But besides that… this is my blog… my outlet of discussing what I want, what I do, what I need to make this the best damn sexually social adventure of my life…

I also do not suffer from delusions of grandeur if I combine my sexually social adventure and my work experience to determine there are an awful lot of socially awkward people out there hoping to fuck strange and not realizing why they are not.

I have communicated with a number of folks who wanted to go on a couple date with us… I have posted in other blogs that I would rather have a house party and meet a number of couples at one time (kinda like speed dating if you think about it) instead of suffering through endless hours of boring shit from one couple.

Social awkwardness is often a choice… you choose to sit there and snuggle with your spouse telling your potential sex partner how wonder you are at fucking each other… and walk away disappointed because we don’t want to fuck you… You choose to be so damn picky about everything in finding that perfect couple that you fail to realize all the couples and individuals that would have been perfect for you if you just opened your eyes…

This person who emailed me this email is amazing… he/she went on and on about how much better they are as a swinger than I am… They have a better track record than I do (damn, I am getting old… I don’t remember revealing all my good and bad dates or even all my dates and all my actual fucks to them… hmm, interesting)…

This person who emailed me is telling me that I am either too damn picky for my own good or a fucking slut who is dying to leave her legs open for anything to crawl in…

Awesome image isn’t it… but here is the thing…

While this person thinks they are ‘hurting me’, they are actually sending a great message to me…

Well messages…

One – this person is bat shit crazy and therefore, I can ignore anything that comes out of their keyboard…

Two – something I said really bothers them and I think it is when I put the blame on social awkwardness on the person suffering from it…

Three – They have more serious issues than I can help them with if they are spending that much time thinking about what or who all has crawled in between my legs…

I know that hearing that the date that sucked most likely sucked because you did not do all you can do make it good… and don’t think you are alone in feeling down about that… I have had my share of dates that I shut down for after something happened or was said… and I refused to move past myself to see if the date could be salvaged…

But I have also had my share of attempts as salvaging something that was dead and buried long before I arrived…

Like the seven or eight dates in a row that the male half had a medical issue that caused him never to be able to get hard and his wife knew it and neither said anything or did anything…

Or the many times that the couple just sat there and said absolutely nothing… and when they did it was after having to pull out all the stops to get them to say something more than one word at a time…

Or the many times the other couple was rude, drunk, loud, obnoxious, or a combination of all of those things…

Or the horny man and the cold fish woman and a very confused us as to what we were supposed to do…

Or the couple that were so jealous of any attention the other got…

Or…

Do I really need to go on?

Drama is drama because someone isn’t getting their way and they will ‘act out’ to get their way…

And drama exists because we do not call the other person out soon enough…

I believe that I am not my swinger’s keeper

By that I mean… I am not going to tell you what to do and how to do it… If you have a shitty profile and I don’t read it because it is boring as shit and has done nothing to get my attention… I am not going to send you an email and tell you to up your profile game… if you ask me my opinion, that is different…

I am not going to look at your profile pictures or other pictures on your profile and tell you that you need to do a better job at taking pictures or be more selective…

I am also not going to tell you to your face that you need to dress better on a date, or you need to act differently on a date…

I am not my swinger’s keeper…

Doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion on it… and this is where I share my opinion.

I had a guy who wanted to hall pass with me for a long time wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants on our hall pass. he wanted to make sure that I dressed up for the occasion, but he wore sweatpants… WTF?

That sends messages to the other person… that either you don’t give a shit about how you look or you don’t give a shit about how you look as you are meeting me…

In vanilla dating, would this be acceptable?

Our first full swap, a week after we decided to swing, the female half of the other couple wore sweat pants and a dirty ripped shirt… it was not a ‘style statement’… we saw her pictures on the profile and we saw her afterwards on several occasions at house parties and hotel takeovers… she dressed up… I will admit that on our first swap, I told my husband that it did not matter if we liked the people a whole lot or what the actual date was like… but we needed to find out if we can fuck others and be okay with it…

I know… you are thinking, what a cold bitch… but that is how I am… if we couldn’t handle the dating of others and the fucking of others… then find out now and get out…

I do things a bit differently than others do… and you know what… I am okay with that… I love the idea that I am dating another man… my husband is dating another woman… however, most swingers do not see it as that… I am not sure how to describe how it comes across other than socially awkward… like, you know that in order to have good sex you need chemistry… but you don’t get the connection that good chemistry requires you to actually do something to build that chemistry…

The feelings of excitement of fucking strange the first time doesn’t happen all the time if you can’t build the chemistry… the idea is what got many people off the first time… but what do you do after that?

The answer is to reduce the obstacles that keep the dates from being very vanilla with a small twist…

I get that some people are well known in their community and cannot be seen making out or even making googly eyes to someone not their spouse…

Well, then… go to a different community…

See, social awkwardness is not that hard if you choose to make it easy on everyone.

One of the best dates we went on was with a couple from a South American country. I don’t remember which one it was because the country they used was near their actual country but they didn’t want to use the real one… I don’t remember… but that is besides the point… we met at a bar that had pool tables and other games and we had a great time flirting and playing pool… he flirted with me… she flirted with my hubby… we had a great time laughing, joking, talking about our kids, talking about sexy things… talking and flirting and talking and he talked more than me… it was wonderful… when it was time to have sex… we all were very excited about it… we all wanted it… and we all had a great time…

The secret was that he actually dated me… hubby actually dated her…

There were others that started out very promising and were, you know… okay… because at some point, they didn’t know how to get from flirting and having fun to making the decision to actually fuck… and then in the room… they had trouble deciding how to start the kissing and touching and naked fun…

That too is a form of social awkwardness… They wanted to… they are afraid too… they don’t want to make the first move… and this is so against what they have talked about for hours before…

They hem and haw around trying to figure out what to say….

How about… “I am ready to take this to a bedroom.” or “Let’s go get naked.” or “Tired of talking… we need to get busy.” or “Do ya wanna?” or “Let’s fuck.” or as he whispers in my ear… “Can I taste your pussy now?” or “If we flirt anymore I am going to cum in my pants.” or “Wanna go swinging?” or “Let’s get the show on the road.”

As you can tell, it really shouldn’t take that much to get your point across… you are a swinger on a swinger date to do some swinging… shouldn’t you have the balls to say that you want to have sex?

I mean… isn’t the direct approach the best approach?

Yes, you could probably avoid being too disgusting when asking you partner if they want to have sex… but come on… isn’t this the point of the date… to see if you have chemistry and if you want to fuck?

I have never figured out why people are so afraid to ask. The worse they can say is no. They may say not now or they may say yes… but the worse answer you are already aware of… NO.

I also don’t understand… why the awkwardness that happens when you are standing in the hotel room with the other person or couple… if you have paid for a hotel room with the other couple standing right there with you… and the intention is to go have sex… what on earth are you afraid of when you get into the room?

Walk up to your partner and start with something like… “I am really glad you are here with me right now.”

I mean… doesn’t that make you think that he/she wants you… and doesn’t that make things twitch and get moist…

Touch his/her hair… arm… hand…

Bring your head closer to his/hers… slowly kiss them… you know one of those light kisses that is asking for permission… and when they respond… deepen the kiss, begin to put your arms around them… fingers in the hair… on the ass… breasts pressed up against his chest…

Spend some time kissing and touching and then the only words needed are those that exclaim how good it all feels…

Dating as a swinger should be easier than vanilla dating… if it isn’t, you are doing something wrong…

You aren’t looking for a spouse… you have one… you are looking for the other half of your off spring… you already have one… you aren’t looking for someone to change your adult diapers or wipe up drool when you are 80… you already have one to do that…

What you are looking for is someone to date you, woo you, pleasure you while you date them, woo them, and pleasure them…

You are looking for someone to enjoy sexually… so why aren’t you?

Get rid of the swinging social awkwardness and get more of your sexy swinger action going…

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 8 The Date

I have to tell you something before I get started… when I agree to go on a date with another couple (I am not speaking for my husband as he has his own way of deciding if he wants to go on a date to ‘date’ or to have sex… this is just my thought process)… but when I agree to go on a date with hubby and another couple, I have made the decision that unless something goes horribly wrong during the date, I want to fuck you.

Pretty simple.

I am not going to waste my time and money going on a date if I am not interested in fucking you.

It may not be that night we fuck, but I have it in my head that fucking you is what I would like to do, therefore I have decided to go on the date.

I have in the past, been very blunt with my potential date/partner and told them this very thing… “Unless you do something horribly wrong during the date, I want to fuck you.”

I like to think that they have a clear understanding of what my intentions are… to go on this date, build that chemistry in person, and then fuck.

I have stopped telling people this.

I am not sure why exactly, but it doesn’t really pan out like I think it should pan out…

Let me explain.

This guy I have been communicating with and talked about what we like and what we want to do finds out that I do indeed want him and want to fuck him. I figured that during the date, he would ‘date’ me and I would ‘date’ him and we would build chemistry and then when we finally got to a room and tore each others clothes off…

And that doesn’t happen… Here is what has happened so very often…

This guy arrives at the date and suddenly acts like he barely knows me and has little interest in me… he doesn’t flirt, barely talks, can’t look me in the eyes (I am not talking about a stare down here, but you know, when I am talking to you – you look at least in my direction – hell, I’d even take you staring at my boobies… but he doesn’t.

Then out of the blue – usually when I am squeezing the shit out of hubby’s leg (our signal for “NO FUCKING WAY, LET’S GO NOW”… he says, “you wanna get a room?”

Why?

Why the fuck would I want to get a room with someone who cannot provide me a bit of attention the entire night?

Here is how I have envisioned and in fact conduct my dates… and sometimes have been very lucky on couple dates have this happen…

Hubby and I greet the other couple…

Mrs Other hugs my hubby… I hug Mr Other… there is some boob squeezing going on as the hug is more intimate than a hug seen on sporting events… and believe me… I have seen some that are very intimate…

Mrs Other wants to sit next to my hubby… I want to sit next to Mr Other…

We all talk to each other, the conversation flowing… while Mr Other puts his arm around the back of my chair or spot on the booth… He angles himself towards me and the rest of them… hubby and Mrs Other follows suit… there is laughing, talking, flirting, light touches… some daring naughty touching… naughty talk whispered in my ear… little kisses on my neck, playing with a few strands of my hair… noticing that these little words and touches have gotten my nipple’s attention… and I look over across the table… and see the same things happening (not exactly the same thing, it isn’t monkey see, monkey do… but the same type of laughing, talking, touching, kissing, flirting, chemistry building good stuff…

You see, because we all have had pre-date communication – and that means she texts him, he texts her…. and all four share a group text… everyone knows all the rules to fuck and even the rules to meet… they are discussed and we don’t have to discuss them again…

We don’t talk about other play partners, other play experiences, other typical swinger talk…

Why?

Because we are on a date with each other… not this couple facing off with this couple…

Not do they pass the test – testing situation.

Not looking for reasons to say no…

Not waiting for the ‘something going horribly wrong’….

And you know what… anything less than that typical scenario… is Swinger Social Awkwardness.

And I don’t really give a shit if you agree.

If you have a profile, communication, and decide to have a date with other swingers… then date your potential play partner.

Don’t do all the typical bullshit where you and your spouse touch, flirt, and kiss each other… talking all about your sex life, your past partners, your good experiences, your bad experiences…. blah, blah, blah…

Did you do that when you were dating before becoming swingers?

Likely NO!

So why are you doing it now.

As I said, when you are trying to date someone who is a swinger as you are a swinger, then fucking at like a swinger instead of a virgin on his/her first date.

Flirt WITH the potential sex partner.

Talk TO the potential  sex partner.

Engage YOUR potential sex partner.

I am not sure why so many couples think that people are going to want to fuck you when you have done nothing to make others want to fuck you. Your hanging all over your spouse and talking about your spouse and to your spouse more than you potential sex partner makes NO SENSE.

And this is a form of swinger social awkwardness.

I am going to stop there for now… I really want to think about what I wrote… compare it to your swinger dates… and see if there isn’t some social awkwardness happening swinger style with your dates.

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 7 Pre-Date Communication

In the last post, I asked if you had received an email that was well thought out and asked to meet on such and such day, time and place… would you meet them? Yes, a lot of it hinges on whether or not you find the person attractive, have chemistry… etc… but do you ever just think, what would it hurt to go have dinner and play darts and if nothing but a good time vanilla style happens… what would it hurt to go?

A lot of time swingers say this but do not mean this… they want to have friends, they want to hang out with other swingers… but often, swingers find reasons to say no or probably not…

Yes, there are times when the offer to meet at 10 am today comes at 9 am that morning… and like, yeah, call a hooker for a good time not me… I am not talking about that… I am talking about the assertive swinger asking you to hang out with them, no strings attached just to have some dinner and play darts or whatever vanilla activity available.

Often swingers do not because they have not laid out all their conditions, weighed all the pros and cons, or otherwise talked themselves into just meeting people.

This is very often conveyed in hidden messages throughout their communication to the other person… and then there is a high number of flaking out on people…

But before I go into to much detail on that… I want to share with you a series of emails I received recently… like in the last 2 days. I kid you not… these are real. Let’s see if you have the same reaction as me…

This starts October 22, 2016. I was in the midst of a very busy month of traveling for work… I receive an email from a single male that  “love to chat and see pics… I am up your way a lot” (No capital letters or punctuation.)

I must have opened the email and did not respond. I say this for two reasons… no mail history showing me I responded and I received this email Friday…

“Just curious why u never replied. Did I say something wrong or you did not like my profile. Sorry just thought we would all hit it off”

I replied – and believe me I am surprised I replied – see, the first email was kinda, well, typical stupid swinger shit email… but I was in the back seat while my oldest was taking us to dinner and it was either reply to the email or see all the near misses he was making while driving us… but he knows that city much better than us… So I replied despite his email being incredibly stupid… wanna chat and share pics… yeah, that is a fucking thrill for me… NOT!

So I replied “I don’t remember the email. Can’t say I read it. I was traveling most of October, November and the first part of December.”

Yeah, not a lot of warm fuzzy here….

He replies “Well I am [name] a fun 40’s australian male in greenville a lot for business. love to chat”

Well, I am only human… I love accents and one of my favorite is Australian… so, I thought what the hell…

“I opened some pictures for you. Hope you like them. Sophia”

He replies 100% fantastic… I would to become regular play friends… Your nipples are to die for… I would love sucking them as you cum while my cock is deep inside you and husband is watching us… MMMM I am [name]. Lets meet up and have some fun.”

Not to bad of a reply… not stellar by any means, but not to bad…

A second email comes immediately following that one from him…

“I can’t stop masturbating over your pics.”

I took a day to respond to that one… I means seriously, how on earth am I supposed to respond…

“Glad you like the pictures. It appears you do quite well.”

Not sure we will meet… It appears he doesn’t really need to meet me… he can’t stop masturbating over my pictures.

I know I said that I like knowing guys jack off while we are chatting or reading my blog or seeing my pictures… but could that not be one of the first things you say to me… that borders on creepy… could we at least have a sexy conversation?

And I put this in this post at this time because I said that often people will find reasons not to meet. And while this is true… sometimes the emails and pre-date communication leave a person no choice in deciding not to meet.

That is why you have to be careful… this single male takes the lead (+1), he is Australian (+10), he has follow up, almost 3 months later, but still (+2), he falls under the term attractive (+5). So on a randomly decided scale of 1 – 20 (and this is not highly scientific at all since I made it up as I am writing it… he has 18… then he writes that he will fuck me while hubby watches, (-10) and then a solo email about how he can’t stop masturbating (-10)… he is now on this imaginary, made up for the purpose of this post… -2 points. His accent may not be enough to compensate to make it to in person meeting.

I mention all this because, well, if you make it past the initial communication to a point where someone will engage you and more than just to send an email stating you aren’t good enough and you get this form letter…

Don’t fuck it up with the pre-date communication.

So many people do… and I am not the only one who says this… believe me, I am not the only one who says this… many are looking for reasons to say no… Me, I like to fuck so I am looking for reasons to keep saying YES PLEASE!

And yet, there are many who will fuck it up. Seriously fuck it up…

Think about it… couple dates are blind dates. Going into a party or club is a blind date… you don’t really know what to expect from that person… you think you are getting to see someone you ‘know’ because you skyped, kiked, called, emailed, texted… whatever you all did… and you think, damn… I am excited this person is cool, hot, neat, nice, whatever…

And then you arrive… and you meet them… and sometimes it is awesome… and sometimes… well, I will let you answer that…

But sometimes if all signs point to all things being good…. and then they fuck it up…

How do they fuck it up you ask?

The most common manner is going to far in what they say… Like, “I can’t stop masturbating to your pictures”.

Or being honest about, well too honest about something like a really weird to most people fetish…

I had one person want to meet me for a play date… and he kept telling me that I had to wear dark red lipstick. I don’t wear dark red lipstick. I have never worn dark red lipstick. I most likely won’t wear dark red lipstick. He also wanted me to have long nails. Well, I can’t stand fake nails so if my nails happen to break, I won’t have long nails… Not that I keep them really long anyways… they are sorta long… but not long… and then he wanted to put lipstick on my nipples… and cover me in baby oil…

Seriously, what the fuck? Sorry, I couldn’t even use the WTF…

Does he not know how much of a mess that is? Or even bother to ask me if I wanted to wear dark red lipstick, make sure I have long nails, and be happy with oil and lipstick stains all over everything? Nope, it was all about him…

Those damn nipples of mine… it appears they are the siren call of weirdos… LOL.

But there are others who decide to confess all kinds of thoughts to me… like how excited they are to meet me… and they want to fuck Sophia and not me (insert my real name there…. let’s say I am Isabella)… They want to fuck Sophia not Isabella… I ask them, do you not realize my name is not really Sophia… I really am Isabella and when I write, I am writing as Isabella and just sign Sophia just the same as someone with the profile name ‘fuxalot’ would sign it “Mrs Fuxalot”? Nope, they want to fuck Sophia… Lunatic Warning often goes off…

Or those who pay you a compliment hidden in a dig… really, you think I want to fuck you after you hand me a dig… I may continue to talk with you, but you are off the fuck list…

Or those who….

You get the picture… there are a lot of things you can do that can make someone who is excited about meeting you feel lukewarm.

And if you have been swinging more than a few months and you have had more than a few dates that haven’t gone anywhere… you get an idea of the person you want to fuck based on how they communicate with you… where you would be able to determine just by how easy ‘written communication’ goes that verbal communication and sexual communication will be just as good… I mean, after so many years and play mates… you can tell just how well it will go by the early communication… Well, I can say that is very true for me… I know (I am a big fan of listening to my gut) who I will hit it off very well… and because I communicate with people all over the US due to forum participation, this blog and other sources of introduction to others… as well as those somewhat local… And because this is something I have long done with the vanilla folks I know… I can tell when I am going to hit it off well with someone – male or female… and am usually spot on… until they do something rather stupid… often in the moment of insecurity, craziness, or otherwise momentary lapse of whatever good sense they had…

Seriously had people do things in a moment of social awkwardness or more accurately their often displayed social awkwardness came out directed at me…

In one of the previous posts, I talked about the six key indicators of social awkwardness… one of them was saying something that was not intended…

I am one of those people who will give you a second chance if you demonstrate social awkwardness… As evidenced by the email sequence above and the previous ones that were shared about that one guy that waited almost 4 years to fuck me (and yes, that is a good thought for my ego…lol).

I will give people a second and third chance, but sometimes I get tired of doing it… I know not everyone is perfect… and I am not saying I am perfect… Nope, I know for a fact I am as far from perfect as I can be… I make mistakes… when I write some of them on the blog… I share my imperfections with you all… I am constantly trying to improve myself… not for you or anyone else… but for myself. I want to be better at communication. I want to be better at being open with others. I want to be more forgiving of others. I want to have more patience… and I am pretty good at those things already… (hubby’s opinion on these don’t count as he is one that works my patience the most… and after nearly 28 years together… he has too much history to be objective on how awesome I am… Just having fun there… he reads this blog all the time… but he can definitely see why I write some of the stuff I do… LOL).

But what I am saying is this… if you want to meet someone and hope that they will want to fuck you… then you have to watch your pre-date communication. Seriously think before you speak or type… I AM SO SERIOUS.

There was a party guest that was very excited about the party… very excited about meeting us… then this party guest said something that really put cold water on any happy, want to fuck you feelings we had (purposely being vague on the sex of the party goer and which one of us it affected)… but when they arrived, they had no idea that neither of us had any intention of having sex with them… We welcomed them into our home and made them feel welcomed. But they were on the no fuck list. We did not fuck them. They asked if we wanted to meet them at another time since we were busy at the party to fuck them. We were busy being hosts and playing with others… You know that old saying “Let’s do lunch” but means, yeah, I am not going to tell you there is no chance in hell… yeah, we did the swinger version… ‘let’s plan a date’. As we venture on two years after that party… they are still waiting for the date…

If you suffer from social awkwardness and you have felt the affects of how your social awkwardness comes back on you – you know, no one likes to chat with you, meet with you, respond to your communication, or fuck you… you have to be the one who changes. Even people who want to fuck you will have trouble giving you a bunch of chances to fix it…

I know I am sharing with you some ‘awkward’ topics in this series… I know that some of this may be fun to read and fun to improve on… and some of it may be upsetting (got some feedback that demonstrates how upset they are that I am telling them they are no good (still looking to see where I said that… haven’t found it). But here is the thing. It is your social awkwardness. Not mine. It is not my responsibility to point out to you – ‘hey buddy, you got you some bad social awkwardness going on… wanna change it so we can fuck’ doesn’t really go over very good.

But here is the thing, if anything I wrote pissed you off… that is your brain telling you this applied to you… you are suffering from social awkwardness in that particular area. Your brain is sending that message… I am only the catalyst of your brain recognizing what is not working so well…

Believe me… I have my own issues… I work on them… and that is the important thing to remember… you can get mad at me about what I say, but it doesn’t change the fact that if I am saying it… other may be thinking it… the only one in denial about your social awkwardness is you. The rest of us are either putting up with it or having nothing to do with you because of it…

That is the thing about social awkwardness you need to remember… everyone has some type of social awkwardness and most people work on it… a lot. And swingers have to understand that it may be the reason you are not getting laid as often as you want when you send emails, make initial contact, or try to arrange a date… or even if people meet you and then they don’t want to fuck you…

It is hard to ask yourself this question “Where did I fuck up?” rather than thinking, “they just don’t know what they are missing.” They do know what they are missing… they are missing the person who is so shy they can’t communicate and can’t build interest or chemistry. They are missing the person who can’t flirt with shit and can’t build interest, chemistry or desire. They are missing the person who can’t read before hitting enter and think about the back handed compliment (dig) or saying something so off the wall that it is scary or so far from what they like or being so honest that they are hurtful.

If your swinging adventure is not going as you like… then ask yourself, what do you need to do to improve your game?

Then fucking do something about it…

Muah Sophia

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 5 Feedback So Far

I have received a great deal of feedback on this topic as a whole of social awkwardness. One question asked of me really got me laughing… here it is.

How do you know there is social awkwardness in swinging, let alone social awkwardness in general?

I was serious when I said I laughed. I laughed hard. Social awkwardness exists. Google it. If you still are not convinced social awkwardness exists, let alone in swinging… let’s ask yourself this…

Did you ever get so nervous going to a party, club, or date that you had signs of anxiety? Stomach ache, head ache, nervous feeling, shaky hands, need to run to the bathroom because of a nervous bladder or other things… dry mouth, twitchy eye, lack of ability to speak… any of those or other symptoms like sweaty hands, breaking out in sweat all over and it wasn’t hot… unable to look someone in the eyes… can’t remember certain things and having trouble recalling names, places, dates… or if you are a guy – unable to get hard because of nerves and if you are a girl – unable to stay wet because of nerves… any of those things?

The answer was yes.

I asked how often.

I was told almost every time they venture out into the swinging world.

I asked how often do they venture out.

Not very often because it is too stressful.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

I then asked – when you have a conversation with other people, while it is normal for there to be a moment or two of awkward silence at the end of a conversation before someone picks a new topic… how often does that happen to you?

Almost every conversation.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How easy is it for you to make meaningful connections?

This person said, very challenging. I find most people aren’t comfortable around me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – both vanilla and swinger style.

How often do people (swingers) avoid you? Whether in person or via electronic communication?

This person said – almost all the time.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How often do people misunderstand the ‘joke’ you told – as in you made a joke about a person that was supposed to be flattering and instead was taken as a very negative statement… or a joke in general that people told you was not appropriate? And in the swinger setting, where you thought saying something about very inappropriate sex would go over well?

This person said, my wife says that all the time to me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How often do you feel at a loss in social situations – swinger situations – where you do not have a clue how to act appropriately, you miss out on the social clues, you act before you think and often make a mess of things?

This person said, all the time. I feel out of place and never know what to do. One time we were at a house party and I decided I wanted to get naked thinking others would too… however, it wasn’t that kind of party. I was naked and they all made fun of me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

There are six key indicators of social awkwardness.

1. Feeling nervous in social settings.

2. Not understanding social norms.

3. Often having a different impact than intended.

4. The lack of conversation flow.

5. Frequently being avoided or ridiculed by others.

6. The lack of meaningful connections with others.

Onto other feedback – I have gotten a whole bunch of feedback from others who have recognized that they need to up their game in the areas of shyness, flirting, and sexting. I have been told that as they try out their progress on me. I don’t mind. It is fun to see the improvements. But one word of caution… don’t go overboard… too much of the Hey Sexyyy, Babe, and so on if it is out of your norm appears fake.

You don’t have to say that a person is hot in every single text you send. When you do, it becomes overused… much like saying ‘morning’ to someone every single day and not varying it up some… it just becomes a routine. And that takes the fun out of the whole text/flirting thing.

Sometimes it is best to start off subtle…

How do you do that?

It can vary from person to person depending on who they are and what appears natural for them…

I use the term sweetie all the time… I say that and Muah to people… those are my words that fit me… If I were to suddenly say “Hey Stud”… as a greeting that would be a bit different for me and possibly not seen as authentic… sweetie is a sweet (sorry for the obvious there) endearment for me… I have pumpkin for my husband – which is short for pumpkin head from when we first started to fall in love like 28 years ago… and no, he doesn’t have a head that is the shape of a pumpkin… it was just something I said to him to let him know I wanted to share my feelings of love to him… I called my first born – little man for a long time because when he was born he had an old man’s hair – hair on the sides but not on top… kinda like both his grandfathers… then because I am big on rhyming things I came up with one that could be taken wrong – but I can’t share that here because it would be an identifier. I called my youngest son Roo because of my oldest son’s calling him that sorta – again can’t tell you the whole name – identifier – but then I went on to calling him ‘bud’ like in ‘hey bud’ when he came home from school or work… just little names that show that I have pet names…

Sweetie is a favorite pet name for me and here is why… I think it is sweet that someone wants to communicate with me. I think it is sweet that they feel any affection (friendly or sexually) for me… yes, while I am a swinger who talks often in ‘public’ about my sexuality… it always amazes me that someone finds me interesting and wants to have sex with me.

So, I call people sweetie…

When I am about to come I will moan out ‘oh God’ and not usually the person’s name. Why not the person’s name? Mostly because I never have… my mind goes blank when I am having sex… seriously blank. I mean, it is the only time I am not thinking of anything else. Unless you are horrible and I am regretting my decision to have sex with you in the middle of having sex with you… then my mind wanders… but when I am having the oh so great sex… and I am about to cum… and I can’t form a whole word and repeat the same few words like fuck, oh god, harder… those things.. .I can’t remember your name. Doesn’t matter if I have known and played with you for years or just met you tonight and may or may not have been told your name… I won’t remember it… So sweetie it is.

Consider that a compliment – if I can’t remember your name when you are fucking me.

There are pet names that are just rather weird for me to have someone say to me… like mama… eww… please don’t.

But there are other names that I never thought I would like, but coming from that person it fits… and that is the key when flirting… if you can say BABE to someone without sounding ‘odd’ doing it… please do… but also look at the response you get from the person you say the name… if their eyes light up… continue… if their eyes look away from  you and they look put out or pissed… move on… to a new name..

I do have to congratulate all of you out there who have made some effort in upping your game. This is a great thing and by all means continue improving. I know you may think that I think that I am perfect at all this shit… you know I am handing out advice and criticism… but hold your dang horses a minute… I am telling you that I constantly work on improving my flirting, sexting, and tolerance of those not yet proficient.

Which leads me to the comments about the text message I posted in the last post.

A little back story on that guy. He has been trying to fuck me since April of 2013. He has been told many, many times since he began communicating with me that he does a lot of shit that pisses me off. It is a bit complicated as we were newbies (started in March of 2013) and he contacts us with his wife and we find out that he teaches at the same school as our youngest was still attending for a little more than a month and a half. She is bat shit crazy… and I decided to tell them I am not interested as soon as our son graduated. But I had to wait until he communicated with me again, as I just did not want it to come totally out of the blue. Our son graduated and he texted me at 12:30 in the morning (as a mom of two kids now out of high school, you don’t text me at that time of the morning/night as the only texts that come at that time randomly while sleeping are from your kids and it is usually not good). The next morning I sent an email that was scathing and they blocked us. In 2015, they join a kik group we are in and we have very awkward conversations with him, her, and their nanny he was banging… and they all tell me that I was his greatest regret – the missed opportunity to have sex with me – in his adventure. That kik group dissolves and September 2016 comes along and he contacts me out of the blue and wants to see me. The conversations started out interesting… for about three times… and then they went down hill. He didn’t contact me again until late October. I was very busy traveling… we had spotting communication… I told him off a few times.. like he would send a message via kik and I would respond in under a minute and it would stay in send status – meaning he either shut off his kik or something else… he decided he would text instead as it appeared kik wasn’t working… and the texts were very fun… we met up and had sex… and then the text messages – well, you have read some of them…

This guy has wanted to fuck me since April 2013… in April 2014 it was a year… in April 2015 it was two years… In April of 2016 it was three years… Eight months later… 3 years and 8 months after first deciding he wanted to fuck me… he fucked me… a long ass time to wait… and wants to fuck me again… and the quality of his texts are… shit. How does that translate to really wanting to keep fucking me?

Sex as a swinger is not very different than sex as a single vanilla person. Despite you having a spouse who has sex with other people… you cannot, I repeat CANNOT treat it any differently. Yes, you may have to make sure you don’t fall in love with them… but the effort you put forth in finding a spouse or just finding dates or sex partners as a vanilla single person is no different than the effort you must put forth in swinger ‘dating’ or swinger ‘searching to fuck’.

This is what I do not understand in the minds of many swingers… they think that they must constantly talk about their spouse, push their spouse (Usually the men pushing their wives as an enticement) out there as the marketing hook, and other stupid shit…

As a woman, much of my experiences are from a woman’s point of view… just how it is… not much I can do about that… but get this… most of the readers of this blog are men… so you are getting an exclusive look in the mind of a sexually active, sexually comfortable, sexually outspoken woman… who loves men (and certain women) and can help you if you are open to it – get laid.

So, I am going to tell you this… have a very hard conversations with your spouse – whether you are male or female – whether you are the reserved one or your wife is – talk about these few things…

Can we actually date the person we are going to fuck? (I am not saying hall passes exclusively, but actually go through the dating process as a married person like you did as a single person with the person you want to fuck.)

Can you handle the fact that in order to have a swinging adventure worth having, can you handle hearing your spouse become intimate, build connections, engage, and enjoy emotionally and physically their play partner?

Can you get over jealousy, keeping score, and all the other petty shit that keeps your partner from enjoying their sexually social adventure fully?

If you both cannot do those three things… reconsider swinging.

Seriously. Those are elements in swinging that leads to social awkwardness.

Another person asked me, ‘Why don’t you give examples of stupid stuff women do?’

My answer – first – I have more conversations in electronic form with men. That does not mean some women are not socially awkward in the electronic communication… it is just that I have far less of it to fall back to on examples… When I come to the in person social awkwardness – I have a ton of it…

So, not sure if that is a good enough answer… but damn… it is the best I have…

I will be venturing on to pre-date communication – social awkwardness next… And this is where some of my ‘girl’ stories and examples begin…

Muah Sophia