Category Archives: communication

Good Communication is Sexy As Fuck

Last year I met a ‘vanilla’ man that I had the opportunity to work with and get to know quite well. We got along very well immediately. Found we had a lot in common, and in fact wrote about him on this blog previously. He was leading some training I was involved in organizing and we had a lot of reasons to meet up in person and of course the usual texts and emails… most of it work related but a few times the conversations moved towards personal topics and as a result we got to be very good friends.

Of course, we flirted a bit and as is common with me… would hug when we met and when we parted… but I do that with just about everyone so it is not that big of a deal.

Last summer I was preoccupied by another guy and not knowing some of what was going on was a brain tumor developing… but because of work we had reasons to see each other and talk to each other and well, by the time I last saw him in February my brain tumor was about to be discovered as my health was obviously deteriating.

We were at a meeting for local entrepreneurs and he came up to me and gave me a very different kind of hug… one that showed a great deal of care and concern for me. I thought it was just because I was looking quite horrible that day… he disagreed and said I looked quite beautiful that day… awe… and in fact, it was the day that I realized my ability to think was deteriorating and my ability to find the words I needed to say were going missing. A very devastating day for me.

His hug meant the world to me. It was a lifeline that I had no clue I needed.

When my brain tumor was announced he reached out to me. He asked how long I had known about the brain tumor. I told him the day I was at his office was the day I realized something big was going on and not a good big.

He told me that he wondered if something was wrong as I just wasn’t myself. He kept trying to flirt with me and I was just a bit off.

I told him that I realized he was flirting with me and my belly was doing somersaults because I loved flirting with him… but even our mutual friend wondered what the hell was wrong with me since she has witnessed all our flirting and I didn’t seem to respond like I used to do.

He told me that he thinks of me often and while he doesn’t always think to send a text and is not sure if I am available for a call, he really wants to contact me. I told him to please contact me any time he wants.

He called me once and asked me if I was up to a conversation. I told him I was, but if I go quiet it may mean I am either about to cry or having a seizure. I laughed. He laughed. Then he says, “I am assuming we are laughing because the reality of this is just too much to comprehend.”

Yes sir.

Good communication skills are fucking sexy.

He stayed on the phone with me for about an hour that night. He talked about all kinds of silly things happening or not happening during Covid. He tells me that a few people he knows have or think they have Covid. Then he asked if he didn’t know a soul who had Covid he would be over to just hang out with me.

That was so fucking sweet.

When he can’t call he texts. Updates me on his folks. I started demanding an update on his folks to keep my mind off all the bullshit I was going through at the time.

One time I joked with him that I don’t have to shave my armpits or legs anymore as my hair stopped growing. He says, well I am glad that having shaved armpits is important to you… but I am not sure if I believe you don’t have to shave your legs… I say yep, if you were here right now and running your hand up either leg… from my ankles to my upper thigh… I hear him sigh… and joke with him, ‘what you don’t believe me?” I barely finish that and he says, “I have seen your ankles and calves when you are wearing those short dresses of yours, I can imagine what it would feel like to run my hand up and down your legs… wrapping those legs around my neck while…

He stops talking.

I begged him not to stop talking just yet.

He says he doesn’t want to cross a line.

I begged him to cross that line.

He did.

I loved it.

Over the phone.

Hearing his voice.

Hearing my voice.


The next time he reached out he texted me. He asked me if he needed to apologize to me.

I respond only for not being here to fuck me in person.

He jokes with me that he is shocked to hear me speak that word in that way.

I remind him that I texted that and he hasn’t actually heard that come out of my mouth.

My phone rings.

I see it is him.

Before he says anything I tell him I need him to fuck me in person.

He says ‘fuck’.

I say ‘Yes Please’.

He says ‘I want to so much’.

I say ‘I want you to so much’.

We don’t talk for a few days and then had a friend come visit. After my friend went back home I text him and ask how his folks are… he share a few stories of his folks. I update him on my insomnia. He tells me that he has been thinking a lot about me. I say the same thing.

He says that he is surprised by his feelings of attraction to me. Figuring that his attraction could go no where as I am married… I am a complete surprise from how I am in many of the settings we have met in out and about in Asheville.

I tell you what… there is something so fucking refreshing about a man not afraid to communicate and be honest about what he is feeling.

Then he curses Covid and the high risk status I am due to my brain surgery and such. Then he asks me if I was attracted to him because of the brain tumor. I tell him nope. He says that is a relief to him to know I wasn’t attracted to him because my brain was swollen. I laughed hard and he says he is serious. It would be hard on a guy to know that you were only attracted to him because your brain was not working right. I really laughed then. He was afraid to find out why I was laughing so hard.

So he says… why are you laughing so hard?

I tell him because it is so sweet that you are worried I only like you because I had a brain tumor. Then I mentioned that he needed to have a bit more confidence in himself…

He asks me what attracted me to him.

I waste no time and tell him how well we communicate. How easy it is to communicate with him. How much fun it is to communicate with him. It is not a struggle to find things to talk about with him. That not everything said is a competition or a game or meant to manipulate. I find talking with him refreshing for my soul. I am tickled when his name pops up in my phone or email. I never dread seeing his name. Communication is very sexy to me and being with someone who is good at communication is quite a turn on… and that makes everything so much better.

He cracks a few jokes that would make no sense to you all in this context… but it is funny to us because a few times he was afraid I was going to be tired of him communicating with me.

You see, I find a man who communicates with me as sexy as fuck. When that communication is filled with respect and authenticity it is a complete turn on… when it is not… well, that doesn’t really work for me.

Yep, a man who cannot communicate or communicate well or communicates for the purpose of hiding things or manipulating others… not sexy at all.

I have been very lucky to have found a number of guys – whether play partners in the past or the future that were wonderful communicators. And I found them sexy as fuck.

But as it usually goes, I have also been very attracted to men who are shitty communicators and it really didn’t work out well or last long. It is a shame… and being the person I am give them way too many chances… but after a while you have to figure out if it is worth it…

And sadly, it is not.

Muah Sophia

Swinger Engagement – A Man’s Perspective

I had a conversation with a male reader (you would be surprised how many readers are male… lol) and he wanted to discuss my blog posts about engagement… swinger engagement. It was an interesting conversation to say the least… he wants engagement, he doesn’t want engagement, he wants her to engage him but not all the time, but when she doesn’t engage him, he is upset…

I laughed and said to him… ‘you sound like a girl’.

He said, ‘I do, don’t I?’

Here is his conversation we had… I do have to tell you, that most of the conversation was him talking and me listening. Believe it or not, I do this often… if someone has something to say, I will let them say it… And if they have this much to say, they really need to say it. I will also add that I corrected some of his spelling mistakes.

I want a woman to engage me. It is quite simple. I want a woman to tell me and show me she wants me. I just don’t want too much of it. Do you know what I mean? There is a fine line between engagement swinger style and wanting to be engaged to me. If they act like my wife, I am out of it. I want someone who is fun, sexy, flirty, and wants me. I don’t want another wife. Does that make sense? I don’t want to be bothered constantly by the woman who thinks I need to have 24/7 contact with her. There are days where I don’t have anything to say and you can only say you want her so often before you get tired of saying it. I am serious, what do you think?

I get what you are saying. There is something very hot about having a great conversation with someone, but not all day, every day. When you think about why a person is engaging you, for sex… it should be sexy fun. I think we are talking about engagement versus the ‘friend’ zone communication. For some it appears to merge quickly to the friend zone and they forget the wanting sex part. I have had a few guys who thought of me as one of the guys, a spouse to complain about work with, and other less than sexy things. So I think we are on the same page. I agree there are days when I am not able to form a complete sentence and then I have to carry the whole conversation… that usually gets me a bit upset. LOL.

You do get where I am coming from, I have friends that I can talk about a lot of topics, you included. But I am not wanting that with every single woman I try to engage for sex. There is a huge difference. I have a wife and kids, I don’t need another family’s responsibility because you want me to act like your husband or boyfriend. On the other hand, I get upset that women don’t think they need to engage me. I am tired of having to try to get a woman who says she wants to meet us to talk to me. I get upset with my wife when she acts that way to other men. If you do not want to engage a person before we meet or while we meet, sex is not going to happen. I am not going to waste my time trying and trying to get a woman to talk to me before we meet or while we are meeting. 

A few months ago a couple approached us and we responded we would like to meet them. The husband and I made the arrangements. He asked if he could talk to my wife to get to know her some. I gave her KIK out and he gave me his wife’s KIK. He then tells me she rarely talks to anyone before we meet in person. I had to wonder, why ask to talk to my wife then if your wife won’t talk to me? That is fucking stupid. I asked my wife to limit the amount of communication with this husband until his wife communicates with me. She reluctantly agreed after I explained that I am tired of boring as shit dates with people who do not flirt or talk or show us they want us. She was reluctant because she really wanted him. 

The wife didn’t respond to my “Hi, thought since we are going to meet, I would say hi and get to know you a bit. I am looking forward to meeting you.” A day and a half later I sent a message to her asking “I won’t bother you if you are not interested in chatting with me. Could you let me know if you are interested in getting to chat before the date?” I received the following text back. “I really don’t like to text.” I asked her if she would rather email back and forth. Nothing. Two days later we had our date. I didn’t want to go to the date. My wife had only 4 texts with the husband. She told him in the first text that ‘we have a rule to text as equally as possible with our partners, meaning if your wife doesn’t text my husband, I won’t be texting you very much or at all.’ She thought it would encourage the husband to get the wife to text me at least in response to my efforts to find out if she wanted any engagement at all. The other husband wasn’t really that happy with the ‘rule’ we just made up in this case and sent quite a few texts my wife didn’t respond too. It was awkward to say the least. 

We go to the date and they did what you say you hate, they sat on one side, we sat on the other. We tried to switch it up, but they sat down first and wouldn’t move. They were boring to talk to as they barely talked. They kept right up next to each other and touching each other and kissing each other. I told my wife I didn’t want to go as I knew it would be like this and it was. We ordered dinner and when the food came I paid attention to my food and ate quickly. I wanted out of there. The husband came right out and asked my wife why she didn’t answer most of his texts. Awkward. My wife was a bit pissed at this time because the date was from hell. She said, ‘I told you if your wife wasn’t going to text my husband, I wouldn’t be texting you.’ The husband told my wife he didn’t think she was serious. The wife just looked at my wife like she was a bitch. 

We knew very little about them from this date and I leaned over and kissed my wife by her ear and said, ‘let’s go’. I asked for our check and the wife asked me ‘why we are leaving?’ I told them both very bluntly, ‘we tried to get to know you before the date and you didn’t want to communicate with me. We tried to have a conversation with you tonight and you barely said anything. You are sitting by each other, touching each other and not paying any attention to us or letting us know you are interested in us. You are actually sending a message you are NOT interested in us. What is the point in staying?’

She had tears well up in her eyes and I have to admit I didn’t believe they were real. She said, ‘you never told me you wanted me.’ I looked at her with disbelief. I couldn’t help what I said next. It is all true. “I don’t want you. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to get to know me at least a little. I don’t want someone who won’t engage me. I don’t want someone who can’t even respond to a simple text message or at least email me to get to know me. You are sitting there practically on top of your husband and barely look at me or talk to me or show any interest to me. Why on earth would I want you? What reason have you given me to want you?” 

The husband got upset. I decided to let him have it too. I asked him, ‘do you think you showed my wife any respect when she told you to not text unless your wife texts me. You sent her 35 texts in 4 days trying to get my wife to text you back. Then you sit here tonight saying nothing much to either of us and think we want to fuck you. That is just crazy.’ I stayed calmed while saying all of this to them. They just sat there looking like a deer in headlights. My wife got ready to go and the husband says, “I don’t know what your problem is, but that is not fair. We have little experience in the lifestyle and you could have been nicer to us.” I looked at him with disbelief as he is trying to make us feel guilty. I asked him if they act this way to all their dates. He said they did. I asked if they have ever swapped with them. They haven’t. No one would offer to fuck. I couldn’t help it, I told him then rethink how you act and try engaging people, both of you. You are cock blocking yourselves by being cold and impersonal. We got up and walked away. 

They sent an email later bitching at us about how we treated them. I ignored them. Stupid swingers. 

I thought that was a great story. It is hilarious that people think that not engaging people you want to fuck will build interest. It doesn’t. This is certainly something to shake one’s head when you see it.

Muah Sophia



Swingers and Honesty Feedback

I received an interesting comment from someone who read the last post. I guess I touched on a few things that she wanted to share about her own experiences. I have to say, I love it when readers reach out to me with their stories. However, this one is not the usual type of story I receive. It is great to illustrate what dishonesty in swinging can bring into your life.

Sophia, I read your post today and had to write you. My husband is one of those guys who aren’t honest with me. We have been swinging for 2 plus years already. We enjoy swinging and we both participate finding couples we want to meet. I found out recently that my husband is one of those guys who will meet secretly with a wife we met previously. I wondered if this was cheating and I know it is. If you are a swinger and your spouse is a swinger and you swing together there is no reason to hide things. He is, therefore he is cheating. Sophia, I don’t get this. We talked about hall passes and both agreed that if we were asked to hall pass we would talk about it and then hall pass. He never once told me about his desire for a hall pass. He never once ask me or told me he had a hall pass. I found out he has had several with several different women. He is a swinger who is cheating when he doesn’t have to cheat. I mentioned a guy I wanted to hall pass with and told him I wanted to ask the guy to hall pass and what did he think? He said, if I want to hall pass with the guy to go for it. While talking about me hall passing he never even suggested he might want a hall pass. He said nothing. It wasn’t like I was going to be upset with him. I was the person who brought up swinging in the beginning and hall passes. 

We were going to have sex one night, him and I. Our sex life is not as robust as you would think it should be for swingers. We are busy and tired and been together 16 years with three kids. Anyways, I suggest having sex with my husband and he starts acting weird. I didn’t get why he was acting so weird. Then he told me he couldn’t have sex because he has broke out from something. He has a STD. I don’t have the STD. I went to the health department the next day and got tested. I am still clean. He has a STD he didn’t have when we met. He never showed any symptoms before and was always clean on our tests. I demanded he tell me what he was doing. He finally admitted he was hall passing with 4 or 5 women. One of them must have infected him. I asked him how many, no guesses. I asked him when he was going to admit it to me. I asked him why he hasn’t asked for permission. I asked him when he did these hall passes. Why he was lying to me all the time. 

He had no answers that were good enough. A lot of I don’t know shit. I was so mad. He told me that I can’t get too upset that he is having sex, we are swingers. 

I told him that I don’t know if we can stay married. I told him I needed a few weeks to think about this all. During those two weeks I overheard a phone call he had with a female who is pregnant and thinks he may be the father. This means he not only slept with other women without my knowledge, obtained an STD and had sex without a condom and got a woman pregnant. 

I decided I was done. We are getting a divorce. He doesn’t know if he has fathered a 4th kid or not yet. She won’t tell him who all she slept with, how far along she is, or have a paternity test done. He is upset with me for giving up on him.

Like I said, we have started divorce proceedings. Our children understand a little of what is going on, they know that dad may have another child with another woman coming. They are 14, 13, and 11. It is a mess. It is more about him being dishonest but it is also about him being selfish, reckless, and just plain stupid. Our lives have been thrown into chaos because my husband couldn’t be honest. I had thought of the benefits of us having a poly relationship and talked to him about it so that we could expand ourselves. I have found someone that is a great friend, a great lover, and standing by me at this time. I am moving slowly with this but am still moving ahead with life. I don’t know why my husband couldn’t be honest with me. I don’t care anymore. He is the one who ruined our marriage and our children’s lives by being dishonest. It is on him. 


Thanks Krista. I hope you keep in touch and let me know how it goes. And best of luck.

Muah Sophia

Swingers and Honesty, How Common Is It?

I wrote in the last blog post about being a good swinger and saying no to someone. I think this topic goes well with that one… because if you say no to someone because your interests or desires are not aligned, one is being honest. If your interests or desires are not aligned and you say yes for whatever reason compelled you to say yes when you meant no is being dishonest with yourself and others.

I think that is a big deal to me. How can you be honest with me if you are not honest with yourself? I have had a number of people (mostly males) contact us and they will start the contact off with wanting to fuck me… then it turns to where they admit they want to suck and fuck my husband… awesome… but not so awesome at the same time…

You see, I am feeling like I am being kinda used… they obviously want to fuck my husband a great deal and used me to start the conversation… and here is the thing… my husband may not be interested in this very thing… and yet, they will use me to get an ‘in’ with my husband for this activity.

You see, I tell people openly that I love gay/gay porn and I would love to be involved in a MMF… yet, no one actually asked me or my husband if he shares this desire. It is assumed that if I like these things, my husband will do it…

And let’s be honest… bisexual and gay men in the lifestyle are not open and honest… and when you are talking about having a guy fuck you in the ass – male or female being the receiver… you may want to make sure you have the receivers consent… and not the spouses consent… me saying, ‘go ahead and fuck my husband, I would love it’ won’t quite work if said husband is not interested in having his ass fucked by a guy.

Assumptions in the lifestyle are made everyday and it is based on the belief that swingers are hiding things about themselves… and in fact, that is true. Swingers hide a lot of things… one of those things should not be the ability to be honest with the couple or individual you are approaching with your desire to fuck both male and female half…

And you should be honest in your intentions upfront… instead of using one part of the couple to gain access with the other half… and yes, if you noticed the many puns happening in this post, they are intentional and unintentional… but since the examples are about fucking a guy’s ass it is kinda funny.

I find it interesting in other areas of the lifestyle where people are less than honest with themselves and more than bisexuality… but the desire for bisexuality to be forced upon women and hidden in men is one of the main ones… but the desire you have for a person that is not disclosed to your spouse…

Have you wondered how that will play out when you meet and your spouse recognizes how absolutely ga-ga you are about someone and you never let them in on it and they are blindsided? It is not a pretty moment… it is rather awkward for all involved… it kinda ruins the overall thrill of the moment… and kills the desire of the other two folks… and if the person you have these feelings for does not share the same feelings… it kinda thrills and kills at the same time.

Let me explain that… you are ga-ga for me… and I have a desire to meet and fuck you but not on the same level… I am going to feel like I need to hold back some… you know because I am so fucking awesome… JK… but I still need to hold back so that it doesn’t appear wrong in any particular way… and that behavior is going to be noticed… and well… awkward…

However, if you are honest with your spouse and say something like… “I am very interested in (let’s just use my name for the sake of this example) Sophia… I find her extremely interesting, sexy, and I really want to fuck her, but it is a bit more than just fucking her… I want to really get to know her more…” then you and your spouse can openly discuss this as a manner to see where her interests lie in a particular man… or hall passes, or other areas in which you can explore…

When you are not honest, it doesn’t go well.

When a swinger is honest with their potential partner about everything… then you can have a great deal of fun… as long as the honesty doesn’t venture into the creepy zone… I will talk about that later… but at this point… let’s start with…

You are honest about what you want to do with your potential partner. You want to explore A, B, and C… your partner responds with… A and C are okay, but I could do without B… and then you ask… what would you like to do… and your partner responds… I would like to do X, Y, and Z… and you respond… nope, not interested in X, Y, and Z… and your partner says… then you know what… I don’t think we are a match because X, Y, and Z are important to me… and then you guys part ways knowing that you like each other just don’t fit together sexually…

And that rarely happens… it often goes a lot like this…

I want you to wear this, this, and that… (she thinks, no fucking way will you tell me what to wear – but she doesn’t say anything, but knows she will wear the opposite of what you demanded)… you then say… I love doing this to women… and I am very good at it… and she says ok because what if he is very good at it? and then she says… I like this, this, this and this and he thinks… damn I am going to have to make a checklist and make sure everything is done and done in order… and then when they get together… neither is fully turned on because they have these assumed expectations and rebellion happening.

A hell of a lot of miscommunication in that conversation…

Someone telling someone else what they have to do is not always going to go over well… a few changes in the wording and she may want to dress for you… but not when it is an order… asking her ‘what do you like to wear on dates?’ and she says… I love to know what a guy likes and then finding something that pleases us both… She may not wear everything you want… but you get to go on a scavenger hunt to find out what she did and didn’t wear just for you… that is a lot more fun than the alternative mentioned above…

And instead of saying how many other women love what you do… maybe ask what this ONE particular woman likes… OMG… that is a huge bonus for men who do this… ask the woman rather than assume all the other women like what you ALWAYS do…

And instead of asking her what she likes and assuming it has to be done in that particular order… you open a dialogue with her… you know… ask her… does it have to be in that particular order… or can I mix it up with some of the things I love to do? And you will become the most amazing lover to her… because you told her… I heard you and want to please you, but I don’t want to be like every other lover you had… I want to hear and see you respond and respond to your responses….

You may be able to see how swingers being a bit more honest can be a very good thing…

Then there is the honesty about sex, disease and condoms… How many times do people write on their profiles they have to use condoms every time… but the first time they try to slip into your heat… it is without a condom? Or they talk about being disease free on their profile, but when you ask them when their last test was… they have no fucking clue what you are talking about because it doesn’t dawn on them that being tested when about to get naked and start fucking means a STD/STI test not algebra… which if you think about it… you may need algebra to figure out who all they fucked that may have given them the crud they have… so you may want to change the algebra test to maybe… well, not biology… because unprotected sex has biological consequences too… maybe English is out of the question too since they don’t seem to get the communication through English concept… Maybe it will be best to say… I am not asking you about your political science exam… what the hell do you think I am talking about as we are about to get naked… I need to know when you last had a test for STD/STI?

Or just get dressed because that loser doesn’t get tested and thinks it is okay… and if they are sticking their cock in your pussy without a condom despite their profile declaring they never do… you are about to have a very serious and awkward conversation with your doctor when the crud shows up…

Honesty in the lifestyle is necessary… very necessary.

I have started asking and turning people down when they want to text me… I ask them “Does your spouse know you are texting me?” I will even ask them if they will give me their spouse’s contact information so I can verify it. I am sick of playing games with a man (usually a man does this to me) who doesn’t have the balls to tell his wife he is communicating with me. I am sick of reading a Freudian slip when they admit they are hiding their communication with me from their wife. I am also saying no to people who admit they aren’t letting their wife know and won’t. Don’t care their reasons for not telling them… just leave me alone.

I am amazed at how many do not share with their spouse their sexual desires in an honest manner. I have had a great number of conversations where the person tells me they have never shared with their spouse what they want, really, really want… I sit there and think, how very sad.

It is sad… how can you be fulfilled sexually if you are not honest with yourself, your spouse, and your partners…

I know I have said this many times in many blogs… but it is very sad to me.

It also baffles me how many swinger cannot seem to get that telling me how dishonest you are in this area does not turn me on… and does not make me want them. It makes me want to run from them. It may take me a while to do it… there is a part of me that thinks they will change if I encourage or dare them too… but when I recognize that they do not want to change and be more honest… I move on.

Let’s be honest here… I may not have a set ‘type’ of man physically. But I do have a type of man I am attracted to… one who is confident, honest, strong, and wants to be authentic with me…

I am simply not attracted to a weak man who can’t be honest, can’t be confident in what he does, can’t be authentic with me…

So be bold, be honest, be the best swinger you can be!

Muah Sophia

Can You Say No and Still Be a Good Swinger?

I have written a few blog posts elsewhere in other parts of my life today about saying no and being a good person… a lot of people don’t feel that they can say no and be a good person or a person can say no to them and be a good person. We live in a world that thinks every one must say yes all the time and if they don’t, they are… well… wrong.

Can you be a good swinger and say no?

Of course you can.

However, few will think you are a good swinger because all they want to hear is yes. Yes, your fantasy isn’t my fantasy but I will do if for you anyways because you are so hot… is what people want to hear when the truth is – no, nope, not a chance… it isn’t my fantasy and I really don’t wanna…

I received an email from a single man who shared with me his fantasy he wanted me to play out… and well, I didn’t want to do it… nothing in it sounded fun… nothing was what I liked… and well, I told him so… instead of sending another note back with just wanting to get to know me and what I MAY like, he sent nothing in response.

Wasted opportunity? Not really, he wasn’t really my ‘type’… and well, it wasn’t likely to go anywhere… but in this case… the example works… he got a no and that was it… and you know it could have been an opportunity to develop a conversation…

Is there anything with telling a person no?

Not really, it just isn’t what people want to hear… it hurts their ego and/or feelings… swingers really do think they deserve yeses everywhere they go… everything they want… they are swingers after all.

And yet, there are many who fail to understand… any question you ask of another person can end up as a YES or NO… and if you ask a question you really should understand what the two main answers could be… YES or NO… and NO is a valid answer on its own.

Ahh, that was a hard statement to read wasn’t it… a NO is a valid answer on its own… people think and demand that others tell them WHY A NO IS GIVEN… and no one owes anyone a reason for their NO and every one seems to demand a reason.

No as an answer on its own deserves no explanation. It is an answer. When someone asks you a question and the answer is YES you are never expected to give a reason why the answer is yes… it is simply accepted.

However, a no demands an explanation, not because it is needed but wanted. People want to know why they got a no so they can… wait for it… make you feel bad for saying no. Sales people work you over hard when you say no. They will wear you down until you buy whatever gizmo they sell that you do not need.

Swingers want to know why you said no… for no other reason than to make you feel bad for rejecting them… they claim it is for them to know more about their approach… but it not the real reason… They want to know why you rejected them so as to be bitter about you choosing to reject them for – your made up stupid reason for rejecting them.

Some will write horrible emails demanding to know and then getting even more upset when you tell them why you said no…

Some will throw a fit in front of you in parties and other settings…

It is scary when you read the email or see it happen in front of you… it if funny afterwards of course when your are not feeling attacked… and when you realize after the fit they through they verified why your NO was a good answer…

And when you are told know… you may feel a bit rejected and your feelings may be hurt… but it is a part of swinging and life…

I think it is harder to say no once you start to get to know a person. You think you know them and then something happens that just keeps nagging you… to the point where you know you need to say NO soon as the nagging only gets worse… and then you do tell them no…

Sometimes they don’t take the no seriously and continue the contact… and sometimes you may give in… and then you sit there with that nagging feeling again… until you say no again and make it a firm no with no room for contact again…

And the nagging ends and you find peace… and you realize that the no was needed, you are a good swinger… and not dealing with it anymore is a good thing…

Sometimes they send a response back and go on and on as to why they did what they did and then how you are wrong for your feelings and your decision… and all the while you are thinking… I said no. It does not matter what you say to me… how you justify what you did or didn’t do… I said no. It doesn’t matter if you blame me. I still said no. I have a right to say no.

In all things sexual, when a person says NO, that is all they are supposed to say and the person is to stop… whether it is kissing, touching, or intercourse… they are to honor your no… however, we know just because they are supposed to honor it, many do not. Rape and sexual assault happens… we know this… deep down in every level, we know this. Yet, rape and sexual assault happens.

Saying no in any case… whether it is against a sexual advance or even a bit of interest in another swinger… when a person says no, they should only have to say one word… no… but as a whole… society expects people to explain their no… and then it is rarely accepted graciously… heck… the evidence is all around us every single day… especially since the election… people said no to one candidate and yes to another and people are having a hard time accepting it.

Swingers fall into this category as well… we want what we want and we want people to want us… and to hear a no… we have to know why they don’t want us… as in what is wrong with them that they don’t want us… and if we force a reason from their mouths we can see why they are so fucking nuts to not want us… and damn they have to be crazy to not want us…

If we fail to say no when we want to say no… we usually have regrets… like – OMG I so regret fucking him or her… type of regrets… Why? Because we couldn’t tell our spouse no and have it accepted… we got talked into or guilt tripped into meeting and fucking them… or we meet for an endless dinner with some of the most boring people… because we didn’t feel like saying no and having them ask us why not?

It is funny how many stories I have heard since we started swinging of people wanting to say no but not feeling like they could because they feared drama or causing drama.

I want every one who swings to remember two things…

  1. You can say no and be a good swinger.
  2. Others can say no to you and still be a good swinger.

Pretty stinking simple if you ask me… yet, it is so very, very hard for most people to accept both of those two simple things…

Let your ego relax a bit and realize not everyone wants what you want, when you want, how you want, or want you… and it is okay. The world is full of people who will want you… it just may not be the one or two people you have your heart set on…

Go out and explore this sexually social adventure with a new understanding of the word NO!

Muah Sophia

Do You Do Hoops?

There is a thread on Kasidie that talks about the hoops people feel justified in putting other swinger through in order to be deemed ‘fuck worthy’. I am curious… do you put people through hoops?

In my opinion, hoops are different than a process of selection. Let’s be clear… having a process that you use to determine if you are a match to someone is a good and necessary item to have. Unless of course you entire selection process is ‘do they breath?’ then you likely have some standard they must have before you will meet with them let alone fuck them. This type of selection process is a good thing. Putting people through hoops is not the same thing as a selection process. In fact the phrase ‘putting someone through hoops’ means “To subject someone to some ordeal, difficulty, trial, or punishment; to force someone to undergo an unpleasant experience.” 

By this definition, a swinger putting others through the hoops… for the sake of fucking them… means they are purposely being mean to them for their own pleasure.

Why on earth would someone admit to putting people through hoops when it means “To subject someone to some ordeal, difficulty, trial, or punishment; to force someone to undergo an unpleasant experience”? Why is this a thing of pride? 

Some of the hoops swingers put others through is amazing in its stupidity… and the fact that others would actually do these things just to fuck someone… in no particular order…

  • Must have a specific number of emails before moving to text or kik messages. Must have a certain number of these messages, all four together – no separate or private conversations, must then have 3 skype calls, must make a date to meet in a public location for drinks to see if you are in fact who you say you are… then you must plan a date with us for dinner where we can talk again, then a date is made where we will meet for dinner or drinks and then go to a hotel room for soft swap, then we are able to make a date, again for dinner and/or drinks and then we can go to a hotel room to full swap.
  • You must send a picture that is specific to the requester to ensure you are 1) the female half, 2) to determine your current look, 3) to demonstrate you will do as I request.
  • You cannot full swap with anyone else after you agree with us and after you had a STD test and this includes your spouse.
  • When we begin to see each other as 4 people (2 couples) you cannot meet anyone else. You cannot fuck anyone else without our permission and you cannot go without condoms with anyone for any reason.
  • Both males must determine if the couples would be a match before the females get involved. When the females get involved, both females must play with girls whether or not this is what they like and the men must watch until given permission to join in, and the females must fuck each other’s husbands and doesn’t matter if they find the husbands attractive.
  • You the female must not touch the other male without his wife’s permission despite the fact that she knows all four of us are on the bed to fuck.
  • You have to meet us at a specific restaurant even if you do not like that particular food as this is all about his wife. When you arrive at the hotel, you cannot come up to the room until she is ready to come down to meet you. You have five minutes to greet her at which time we will leave in separate vehicles to the restaurant (the one you don’t want to eat at) and then she sits down first. She can kiss your husband, but you cannot kiss her husband at the restaurant. When dinner is over, you must wait 15 minutes before coming into the hotel at which time you will call to find out the room number. Once you get to the room, do not greet the other husband, your husband cannot greet her. Only the women can greet each other and get naked while the men jack off on the side of the room. If she decides the men can join she will let them know. However, if you are invited to join into a foursome, you cannot touch her husband at all. She can, of course, touch your husband all she wants.
  • Any single male has to be more articulate than a married man, have better email skills, and must only communicate with the husband and not the wife. If he tries to contact the wife without the husbands permission he is blocked.
  • A single female and a married female can touch, kiss, and otherwise be inappropriate to any male or female, but a single man cannot. A married man can only when his wife is hot.
  • When at a party of club, you cannot approach either part of the couple without making sure both parts of the couple are present, both parts want to communicate with you. You must make sure equal conversation is presented to both parties even if one party is not talking to the person who approached. You cannot approach if someone is off to refresh their drink or using the restroom or talking with someone else somewhere else… and if you didn’t realize that the guy sitting there is by himself and you approach them, you cannot talk to him, give a phone number or ask him to dance or kiss or fuck him… it doesn’t matter that the guy doesn’t say not to do these things, what does matter is that you are to know this and if you don’t know this then you are at fault.
  • You must have current pictures… you cannot change your hairstyle or hair color without letting the person you may see know before you do such a thing. You cannot gain a pound without stating you gained a pound or if you lost a pound (some people do get upset if you lose weight and they like ‘larger’ women)… and if you have any changes whatsoever and you do not share those details with them within 24 hours you are no longer fuckable. Even if the pictures were poorly taken and yet they still represent what you look like right now.
  • You must make certain money levels, go to certain restaurants, certain bars, certain hotels… and if your town doesn’t have these locations, you are not worthy of fucking.

I am sure you get the point… and you won’t believe this… each one of those things – we have seen, had asked of us, or were told about it… swinger actually think they are justified in making people go through these hoops. When I read a profile or email with hoops I immediately move on.

We have seen people who demand the other couple show their latest tests but won’t show theirs. They will claim they must use condoms with everyone else, but they do not use condoms themselves. They will demand from others what they will not do themselves.

And a lot of times, they will not go through all the hoops others have set up… but will make the others go through the hoops…

I truly do not get this behavior. I really do not. I could not see myself demanding people to go through all these hoops just to meet me… in order to see if we hit it off.

I can tell you what… I know we won’t get along… we won’t hit it off… I don’t jump through hoops. Hell, I can’t even get guys who want to meet me and fuck me communicate with me in a real and engaging manner without games and periods of ‘punishment’ because I won’t chase after them. Another type of hoops. I should run away a lot sooner than I do… I’m working on it now that I see it as hoops.

I set up boundaries regarding people texting me. That is different from hoops. I have a right to say… ‘Make the conversation matter or leave me alone’ so to speak… They are in fact, taking time out to text me… making it matter should be a first priority to them… if they want to fuck me…

I make no other rules for them… I do not make them take me out to a specific dinner/restaurant, spend gobs of money on me, I do not require them to state 3 compliments every 15 minutes in order to keep my attention, I do not make them spend no more than 30 minutes and no less than 20 minutes performing oral sex on me before moving on to the following positions for a minimum of 10 minutes per position. I do not make them keep going until I cum 14 times… I do not have hoops they have to go through other than if you want to text me… fucking engage me in a real and interesting conversation.

I have to state emphatically… I am a swinger who likes to swing. I am not a single person who is looking for a spouse. I am not interested in dating someone for longer and in a manner that is longer than what I did with my husband. I have been married for nearly 27 years and with him for 28… I am a girl who has longevity… I am not in this for the NRE (new relationship energy) alone… I enjoy engagement in real conversational manners – in person, via electronic communication and I do so love sex… if it takes you months to get to the point to know you want to fuck me… then you know what… I don’t want to fuck you…

It is simple why people act this way… the hoops, the elitist manner, the long dating processes, the uncertainty if you should or if you should not…


You fear rejection.

You fear making a mistake.

You fear not having control.

You fear having sex with strangers.

Fear is a great detriment to anything you want to do… and if you can control the situation so tightly that you are unable to move forward with someone because you fear losing control, fear being rejected, fear choosing someone who isn’t what you want or need sexually, and you can’t let yourself have sex unless you can make it very real, very personal, very much more than the nasty sex other swingers have with strangers, then you put people through hoops… You do this because you feel if they go through the hoops it validates your fears are justified.

I think about how much fear dictates many behaviors and words of swingers… and it makes me wonder, why do you do this if you are so consumed by fear that you cannot be honest with yourself, your spouse and your potential and actual partners?

For some of those hoops I mentioned above, it was obvious what motivated their hoop development… and the truth of the matter is that people do not see how it appears so obvious to others what their motivation is for the hoops and how many people look at them and think… ‘what the fuck are you thinking… I want nothing to do with someone so insecure and stupid?’

The thing we have to remember about stating anything in writing is that it is there for people to write, remember and return to again and again. It’s easy to read something that unsettled you and go back to it again and again and make a decision to move away from a person. When something is unsettling and you can review past conversations or posts or profiles and determine what is just not working and why it helps you identify where you stand on certain issues. That is a good thing and a benefit of seeing other people’s hoops…

Again, having criteria that you use to determine selection and chemistry is not the same as putting people through the hoops…

Just something to think about…

Muah Sophia


Examples From Readers – The Best of Swinger Intentions

I must have hit on a topic that many swingers have experienced because I received a good number of examples. Some were similar to what we have experienced… and I could certainly agree with them it is irritating… a few, I had to wonder if they know the same people I do…

Here is the first one…

“I just love it when an ugly person takes an artistic picture of themselves or their spouse to hide the fact they are ugly… and then will tell us our pictures need to be more artistic… I know they are proud of the fact they took artistic pictures… but telling us our pictures are not up to their level when they are not pretty at all… the wife is actually plain, boring, and borderline ugly… yeah, you can use a lot of filters, lighting, and artistic poses… but it doesn’t make your pictures better than ours if you misrepresent yourself…. keep your opinions about our pictures to yourself… ”

“I had a woman who kept telling me I needed a boob job. I needed to get bigger boobs… I would look so much hotter if I got bigger boobs as it would make my belly look smaller. Nice you stupid bitch… maybe, just maybe I don’t want bigger boobs… I am sure you never intended to offend me…”

“Some profile read our profile and decided to send us an email critiquing our profile… any spelling or grammar mistakes… any run on sentences, the content wasn’t any better either according to them… we didn’t bother to list all the shit we like and don’t like (we actually copied the style of your profile Sophia)… and then they told us that we needed to put that we are disease and drug free…. I couldn’t help it… I sent an email back to them. ‘hey you pompous ass and stuck up bitch, your critique of our profile only demonstrated one thing, we would never want to meet you. We wrote what we wanted to write because it is our PROFILE not yours. I cannot fathom why you would think you are an expert. I read your profile and you have spelling and grammar issues too. You come across as stuck up, controlling and you know what… we are not disease and drug free. My husband has asthma which is a disease… and takes drugs for it… I have high blood pressure and I take drugs for that… I would hate to lie on my swinger profile by saying we are disease and drug free when we are not. You also have a few issues that you failed to mention, you are controlling, fucking odd, and very arrogant. I would not go around inviting people to get to know you in the manner you do. Is it really that successful? I doubt it. Give your arrogance a rest, the rest of us would appreciate it.”

“We were in bed having sex with another couple when the guy decided to start telling me what I was doing well and what I needed to improve on. I asked him ‘what are you doing?’ He told me he was trying to help me be a better swinger. I am not proud of what I did next. He was telling me how to give him a blow job. I bit his cock. He screamed out. I got up and got dressed. My husband got up and got dressed and we left. I am sure he had the best of intentions. But I am not sure why the height of my ass on the bed above him while sucking his cock mattered. I am not sure why I needed to spread my legs a bit more to please him. My husband told me in the car that the other wife couldn’t give a decent blow job and it was likely because she listened to him. I am sure he had the best of intentions, but he was a world class ass.”

“This one guy wanted to text me. I swear I want to ask you if it is the same person you have mentioned a time or two. Damn he is about as dense as he can be. He is smart. He has degrees. He is stupid when dealing with people. He doesn’t act like he is really interested in me. I am not sure why he is that way. Why text me if you are not interested in me? I asked him if he actually wants to talk to me. He said yes, but he just doesn’t want to overwhelm me. I am sure he had the best intentions, but underwhelming me is far worse than overwhelming me. Underwhelming me bores me. Please do not spare me of your usual intentions if your best of intentions is this shitty.”

“Sophia, I cannot believe you wrote about this topic. I swear girl, you wrote what I needed to say to a few people. In fact, I sent a few people the link to the post. They may not be happy with me, but at least they will get a hint. Or not. I mean, I did it with the best of intentions. HAHAHA”

“You hit it on the head with the selfish shit. So many swingers are selfish. I have had a few guys tell me they can text me and they are lying to their wife about who they are texting. They will only text when they are not around their wife. He stupid fucker, do you really think that makes me feel good? It doesn’t you ass. You lie to them, You lie to me, You are a lying piece of selfish shit”.

“When you talked about why people do things with the best of intentions and keep doing things that hurt you, I felt like you were speaking to me directly. I have had people say some stupid shit and think it is okay to say it because they say ‘my intention wasn’t to hurt you’. I want to scream to them… then what exactly was your intention when you did it a second and third time after telling you it bothers me!!!!!!!!! I love how you just stated the facts. Swingers are selfish maybe more so than non swingers because they seem to think that they can just do whatever to get some ass and that I will put up with it because I am as much interested in their stupid ass. Come on, I am a girl. I am a cute girl. I can get more ass than your pathetic ass… why am I spending my time putting up with you. I am like you Sophia. I am cutting ties with a lot of people who don’t deserve my attention. Why? Because I am doing it with the best of intentions. Time for me to be a bit selfish and decide, I don’t want to put up with your shit. Yep, you riled me up with this topic and I am glad. I needed this kick in my ass to stop putting up with this shit.”

Now, you may think it was all happy – you go girl comments to me… well, for the most part it was… the next comment was the only one that I got that was a bit negative towards me. It’s okay… I can take the negative comments. As I have mentioned before, I take a number of my experiences if they are similar in nature and combine them into one post… some times I give specific examples… but it is usually specific examples from more than one person, just so the person who thinks it is all about them can rest assured, it wasn’t all about you… and this person pointed out something to me that I want to clarify… but I will wait until you read the comment before I do… so here goes.

“Sophie, I think you are selfish. You write and write about all the things people do to you that you don’t like. What about what all you do to them they don’t like? Are you really that damn selfish?”

My response to this person is as follows.

“First of all, the name is Sophia. It is a bit disheartening that you are going to criticize me and not even care enough to get my name correct. It is Sophia. As in Sophia’s Provocative Adventure. This brings me to this point… and it is a big one… this is MY blog about MY sexually social adventure. Why is it selfish for ME to write on MY blog about MY adventures? Should I only talk about all the lies men tell me that are to make me feel so good for a moment until I realize that they don’t even have permission to text me and have to lie, hide and manipulate their spouse to text me? If they do not have the decency to be honest with their wife, how on earth am I to believe they are honest with me, someone they have not yet met but wants to meet and fuck me? I also have to ask you, if I am busy during the day and make time for them to respond to their texts, shouldn’t they make it worth my time?

I just had to end ‘texting’ with one person because I did not like the person I was by allowing him to continue to manipulate and lie to his wife. I didn’t like who I was by allowing this to happen even if I had no faith he was ever going to make it down my way to actually cheat on his wife. I am not a cheater, I am a swinger. There was no reason to continue texting him because I don’t think I could be a part of cheating on his wife. He admitted he had kissed and touched briefly other women previously and he actually did not think that was cheating. After that conversation and other conversations where he was actively planning on manipulating his wife including lying to her… I had to stop all communicating with him… this is not who I am or what to be. Throughout the conversations I wrote blog posts and texts to him telling him repeatedly to be honest with his wife. Have a fucking conversation. When he started manipulating me and claiming he wasn’t, but it was similar to what he was telling me he was doing with his wife… I knew I had to be done. I don’t claim to be unselfish about this… I do not want to be a part of this… I do not cheat… and he was too weak of a man to be a real man and be honest to his wife… and I am not interested in such a weak man.

I ended a plan to see my by a guy who suddenly changed after the plans were set. No matter how many times I told him the same damn thing… he never realized that what he was doing was alienating me. He determined I was losing interest in him and never once looked at himself as to why I was losing interest. He failed to realize that what I actually write in my blogs and write to him was the truth. I actually am honest. You have to engage me. You can’t spend one or more hours writing a text monologue about your life without engaging me… and a ‘how are you?’ midway through your monologue is not going to work to engage me… it is called an afterthought… and ignoring me because you think I am losing interest doesn’t work for me… Because here is the thing… if you are paying for a conference and a plane ticket and a hotel room for this trip… you may want to make sure you keep me engaged… I am living in this area… I have a normal life… you are the one who is coming to my area… you arriving or not won’t matter to me… my normal life will still happen… you want me to be interested in me… it is your job to make sure you engage me… not bore me… not ignore me… not blame me for you ignoring me…

And here is the thing… both the examples there… both did that ignore me and then think I will want them more… sorry folks, that is not me… you ignore me… I move on.

Have you ever had a coworker go on a decent length vacation and you noticed how smoothly work went with this person gone… and then you and your coworkers and supervisors realized that their job wasn’t really being done… and then the powers that be – or you if you are in that position thinks… life is better without this person… maybe we should think about getting rid of them… and when the person comes back from vacation they are let go? I have seen that quite a few times in my work life… Never been the person let go… but I did see quite a few who, after being gone for a vacation were determined to be more trouble than they are worth…

Gotta say… when you ignore me hoping I will want you more… I begin to realize how nice it is not to be bothered with your texts… seriously, I am busy with work and life and I get a text from someone wanting to know why I didn’t respond immediately to their text after they didn’t text me for a full day… and want to know what they did… I am sorry, I don’t have time to soothe your insecurities… I could care less if you are insecure… fix it on your own time… leave me alone… and if you need to brag about another boring as shit conversation you had with another woman… please leave me the fuck alone… I have to use my phone for work and you blowing up my phone with your hour long monologue is fucking annoying… but hey, make sure after ignoring me for 18 days, you write to me that you miss our chats… and then blame me for the radio silence… yep, that is a sure fire way of getting me to be done…

Here is the thing, I am going to be selfish… Why not, they were being incredibly selfish towards me… They can ignore me and that is alright, but if I don’t come crawling to them… or reassure them that I am not mad… but they do the same thing over and over…

Here is the thing, I set few rules in my sexually social adventure… the main one is to engage me… you want to fuck me engage me… make that engagement count. If you can’t engage me and make that engagement count, you are going to bore the shit out of me. If you are going to bore the shit out of me, I can’t get sexually excited to fuck you. If you act like an arrogant man who only thinks about himself… or a weak ass man… or lie and manipulate and hide things from your wife… like standing outside in the cold and snow so you can text me… or having to find errands to communicate with me… give me a break… what message do you think you send me? It isn’t that you want me so bad you are willing to lie, manipulate and hide shit from your wife… it is that you are a lying, manipulating, hiding shit from your spouse and likely me type of man… and that does not turn me on at all.

I give each person who contacts me an honest opportunity to engage me… I help them with being honest of what I like… and I tell them what I don’t… You want to ignore what I said and do whatever the fuck you want instead… then you get to suffer the consequences.

And these men are… whether it matters to them for very long… I don’t give a shit… As with the vacation example… I am enjoying the lack of stress and annoyance not having their communications has brought…

It is a learning opportunity for those who are willing to learn… for the others… like you… you will only see it as me being a selfish bitch… and I am in this case. My time is worth more than being treated like shit… and both of those men did just that… treated me like shit… both have said repeatedly, they did not intend to hurt me… here is what I say to that… ‘you also did not intend to NOT hurt me by doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results… both of these men read my blog… both of these men were told the truth via text… both these men ignore my words and ignored me… awesome, your choice… just as it is my choice to be done with them.”

The response I received after they read my response… “I guess I didn’t realize that you made attempts to get them to take you seriously. I am sorry I jumped to conclusions. After I sent my comment I read a few more blog posts. I get what you are saying. Sorry for jumping to conclusions, I won’t lie and say I had the best intentions. I didn’t. You pissed me off. I know why. I am selfish and say I never meant to hurt people when I say things I know will. Thanks.”

Well, there you go. Readers thoughts and my very pointed response to a negative comment. I won’t apologize for being upset with how people waste my time when texting me. I love to communicate with people… I really do. I think when you communicate with someone you need to actually make the effort to engage them on a level that shows they mean something to you. If you don’t, why waste your time and more importantly, why waste their time.

Muah Sophia

Swinger Approaches

There is a forum thread going on about a guy coming on pretty strong with a newbie. I presented a devil’s advocate opinion… but there was more that I wanted to write about… you see, we only have the point of view of one person… a newbie female who has not had a swap at all… that new… I am not saying her perspective is wrong… but follow my thought process for a bit and see if it makes sense.

The gist of her post is that this guy believes and conveys a message that sex between them is going to happen. And there will be some girl/girl playing too. She wanted to know if this is common… Here is what I wrote in reply.

It is a double edge sword… if he is too forward – it is a foregone conclusion and he is a pushy jerk walk away right away – don’t let him push you into it… If he is beating around bush and you don’t know if he even wants to have sex with you – you walk away wondering what is wrong with me that he doesn’t want me… 

There really is no way to approach a girl/guy asking ‘do you wanna?’ that isn’t going to piss one person off and turn another person on… it is a game of chance… sometimes you win, sometimes you lose… 

I am reading this and thinking… yep, not much help other than share a different perspective… not saying he is an ass or a saint… just saying… some like it…. some don’t… 

Muah Sophia

So, play along with me for a few minutes… remember when you first started swinging… or thinking about swinging… How realistic were your beliefs of how a man or woman will react to you… when you expressed interest in them or them you? Did you understand that some just want to fuck you… some want just friends… some want to be in a swinger environment and not actually fuck anyone ever?

A number of swingers think that it will be similar to when they were dating before marriage – you know vanilla style… where the guy will have all the time, energy, and money to woo you into an incredible sexually social adventure. The guy will be romantic – but not too romantic – because he is a swinger not a husband candidate… but he will spend all his time and effort making you wanted… he won’t make any crude remarks, make any assumptions, and well… it will be hot and sexy… sweet and romantic… and well, someone forgot to tell the guy and he is fucking it up by being direct and saying… I want to fuck you.

When I am talking with someone who wants to meet me… I am honest and will tell them if I am interested in fucking them or not interested in fucking them. I am not sure why this is a bad thing… but according to the OP, being direct and picturing him fucking her is a bad thing… I have a question… if you can’t imagine having sex with a person… why continue talking to them?

Seriously, unless your only goal is to be friends with everyone with the title of swinger… most people contact others with the intention of fucking them. I am not saying all of them, but most of them. To hide the fact that as a swinger you want to swing or fuck them seems silly to me. Be bold, be open, be honest… I want to fuck you… whether you say fuck, sex, play, or use intercourse or copulation… it all means the same damn thing. Whether you email, text, say it over the phone or in person… it is the same damn thing… you are a swinger, you contact a swinger and you want to fuck another person…

Yes, it is all in the delivery… you should not use one approach on all, but is that really that bad if you have been talking to someone about meeting… and that person initiating the contact assumes after allowing the conversation continue, you are in fact thinking about fucking them.

This brings me back to the whole topic of… is this a problem because one person is a brand new newbie… so swapping at all?

I am not picking on newbies… but let’s look at this… carefully. If a newbie has a preconceived idea of how they will approach or be approached… and they are looking for something and someone so incredibly special… like when they fucked their spouse for the first time (as that is usually what swingers look at most) and they expect a man or woman to want them as much and in the same way as their spouse… are their expectations realistic?

I don’t think so.

You want to have an incredibly special occasion and base it on your perception of what swinging is loosely tied to sex with a spouse… and you fail to notice that… for many, you do not have to be best friends nor lovers to fuck in swingerville…

I don’t think anyone will address this with the OP of this thread because she is new and people want to and are drawn to new women… there is a thrill to make the newbie want them… and think they will be the first encounter in swingerville even if they live across the country… seriously, this happens all the time… but no one will tell her the truth…

I will admit, my post was to begin the process, if anyone was interested in questioning my response to open up the dialogue to maybe, just maybe, she has her expectations of what it will be like a little out of whack.

When the guy mentioned the girl/girl play… that is common… an annoyance of mine… but it is common… and her response should have been… I don’t know if I am interested in girl/girl play or even your wife… maybe that will change once we meet… but do not think you will force that to happen and I will let you.

Take a fucking stand… I mean seriously… tell him no, if you are not interested in girl/girl play… but also realize that just because someone wants something doesn’t mean that they will get it…

Someone may want their balls tied up in a bunch of rope and knots… but he may not get that… Someone may want to be the center of all the attention… but may not get that… someone may want to pee on another person during sex… but may not get that… I mean… seriously, I have said a lot of things to get someone off on a text/sext session that I have no desire to actually do with them. Sometimes sharing what you like with someone is to gauge what they will do… and if you are not interested in doing something… let them know… for Pete’s sake… the person suggesting those things is not a bad person… they are simply seeing your reaction and if it is something that will be on the table… this is in fact, how people find out if they are compatible… Isn’t it?

By asking questions, making statements and listening to the responses, we find out where our boundaries are and what the person likes… this is a real and common process…

Somehow, this process was viewed as a negative experience by a man who was horrible… yet, I see it as someone who wanted to express what he wants and was looking to see her reaction. Did he do it in a ‘great’ manner? Probably not. But he is not as horrible as he is being depicted in my eyes. I get tired of guys not actually telling me that they want me. I have to wade through all kinds of stories of their sex with their wives, their sex with other swingers, and all along I really have to wonder… do you want to have sex with me?

With that question… don’t you think a guy or girl is doing something wrong if you do not know if they want to have sex with you?

I do. If I have no idea that you want to fuck me after we have talked for a while and you want to meet me and not let me know in any way that you wanted to actually fuck me… I really have to wonder why we are actually meeting? I am not saying that we can’t meet (if you are a not on the first meet type of people or you need to be sure)… but, if there is no expressed interest in possibly fucking me in the future… why would I want to meet?

I wouldn’t.

I have more things to do than to pretend to be friends with a swinger who doesn’t know that some swingers do want to fuck people. That not all swingers are into this to make a million swinger friends. Those are not friends. Those are ego boosters… “I have all these swinger friends” – reality check… most of those people will be upset that you gather and collect friends but don’t fuck anyone.. you want attention but not to have sex…

While anyone can decide why they ‘swing’… and should be able to do that without being judged… but come on.. that won’t really happen. Let’s get real.

Just because you are swinging at a snails pace does not mean  you are better than someone who swings at a faster pace… and just because you want subtle and long term come-ons that make you feel like you are the only one they want… the reality is… that does not make you any better than those who come out and say… I want to fuck you.

I am a big advocate for you to know your audience… one size does not fit all in your approach… but at the same time… there is absolutely no reason why you as a swinger cannot let someone know that you want to have sex with them. Or to let you know what they like… just because they share it, doesn’t make it a contract to fuck and how to fuck. Each person has a right to decide what they will do… and that means you and your prospective partner has to speak up… whether to list what they want or what they do not want…

It is called communication…

Seriously… a skill that is sorely lacking all over in swingerville…

Something everyone should work on…

Muah Sophia





Assumptions… How Much Fun Is Killed Due To Assumptions

I am going to ask you to think about this question… Do you tend to fuck things up because you make assumptions far too often and far too inaccurately?

Have you thought about the question?

Here is another one….

Do you think I (Sophia) from what you read solely on this blog… is unable to answer a question to clear up an assumption you may have about what I have typed?

I am sitting here in absolute amazement that another person has gone ahead and sent me a message that tells ME what I think… and is completely wrong about what I think and assumed something that was not what I said and took it out of context and decided to think for ME and make a decision about ME and then have the audacity to tell me that I am wrong in what they assumed about me.

Another relationship has ended.

First of all… I believe that I am quite capable to giving my opinion on just about everything under the sun.

I am also able to answer questions you may have about what I have written.

I am also able to do that without being upset that you have a question about what I write…

What I am not able to do… is put up with a number of assumptions made about me and what I think and then be ‘punished’ because of incorrect assumptions.

I have to make this next point very clear… when I write a blog post… I may have several examples rolled into one topic… not every topic is about one person… other than me… I am the writer of this blog and it is about my sexually social adventure and all the people and things that come up along the way… this is my blog and I write about what I experience as a swinger… and I have come in contact with many, many people. I have different levels of communication and contact with people… sometimes, believe it or not… more than one person does the same thing… and when I see a pattern develop… well, I usually write about it…

Which means… for all of those who read this and say… she has to be talking about me… there is both truth and assumption in that statement. The truth is… if you feel you have done some of the things I wrote about – good or bad… you likely have… if you think I am posting a blog solely about you… that is a very incorrect assumption.

A guy who I was texting read my blog and he told me to let me know when he is bothering me… I told him again… if I am busy I will let you know…

Now, with that very sentence… I could in fact be referencing 5 people who texted me this week. All five of them I told I would… and a few of them I did tell them I am busy…

One person read a text I wrote and assumed that I was too busy to text him… because in response to asking me about my blog post I said I have no idea what I am to babble on about… and he assumed I was referencing not knowing what to talk to him about… he made an assumption AGAIN… and that assumption led him to believe that to go radio silent until I texted him AGAIN was the best manner in which to address me.

So, I am going to talk this out here… HE assumed something about an answer I gave to a direct question incorrectly… HE wrote a comment that still has left me speechless with a command to text him when I am able… EVEN though we were actively texting… Let me know he was still interested in me… which sounded ominous… but he was so busy… can’t text anymore… so I let it go… as that was a part of a text that made no sense… and then HE decides not to text me again.

What the fuck am I missing?

I am being punished because of his assumptions, his confusion, his ominous statements… and his silence…

And this is the 4th time he has done this since we first started communicating a few years ago… He did it once a few weeks ago and I told him that it bothered me that he assumed something that as not true… never bothered to ask me about it… and it really hurt me that he would tell me that I matter to him in one breath and then he can decide something based on his assumptions and then not contact me at all as a form of punishment… Last week he did it again… and then two days after that episode was cleared up… he fucking did it again…

What am I missing?

Besides the most obvious thing… he enjoys playing these games… that he thinks he can assume something about me and punish me for his assumptions????

He has made comments that he and his wife have never had a fight…

I suddenly get it…

He must (assumption here) make his own assumptions, stop talking to her for a while… and then decide when he is done being upset… because he certainly doesn’t bother to talk his assumptions out… he will just punish the person for his assumptions about them… I mean seriously… he is well aware that I am able to discuss these things out… we have had to do it many times already… yet, he goes back to it again… and again… and again…

And then I am supposed to believe anything he says to me…

It got me thinking about some of the others who text me and play similar games… and you know what… I have made a few cuts from my contact list… and deleted conversations… and ignore as in set the ignore setting on my phone so I am not bothered by these people again…

Yeah, it is almost spring… perfect time for spring cleaning wouldn’t you say?

This got me thinking about some of the other assumptions people make in the lifestyle… and there are a ton of them if you ever stopped to think about it… so many people seem to think that what they think about any given situation is how it is…

That all couples want a single female

That all couples start off with soft swap

That all couples start off with same room/same bed

That all single men are married

That all single men are not worth their time

That single females are wonderful

That single females are bat shit crazy

That single females are looking to steal your husband

That profiles are your calling card (that will be a topic all its own)

That hot with not is common place – except for those with the assumption they are hot when they are not and can’t see the truth… there is a not in every couple according to reality…

That pictures lead to sexual attraction 100% of the time

That personality is a not a contributing factor to sexual chemistry

That Sophia wants to put up with your shit…

You can probably assume I am joking… but I am not on that last one… Assume if you are being an ass, bitch, baby, or assumption king/queen… I DO NOT WANT TO PUT UP WITH IT.

A few relationships along the way that I have invested a considerable amount of time in have gone along the wayside during my adventure… and each one has been a sad passing for me. I don’t often invest myself with swingers… when I do, it is because I find something about that person that I really want to be around… until I no longer want to be around them.

I believe that is the same for most of us… we want to be around them for various reasons and most of them it is based on what we know of them… and for me at least… not what we assume of them.

I have over the course of my time on the forums and with this blog have had people male and female assume they know me. By reading this blog and my forum posts, yes, you have great insight into who I am and what I believe… but I do not talk about every aspect of me on the forums or blogs… I do not share what really hurts my feelings… when someone does something that really hurts me… because I want to protect that part of me… I don’t tell people what really makes me happy…. what really matters to me on a deeper level unless I feel I can trust you… and it really does take a long time to trust someone.

I find that most people in the lifestyle struggle with being real and authentic and being perceived as ‘hot’ or ‘desired’ and in the struggle they will project their fears and insecurities in a number of ways… and sometimes it is to brag when bragging isn’t necessary and in other ways… it is hurting or rejecting someone before they can hurt or reject you.

I wrote about rejection previously… and so many people are afraid they will be rejected that they will in fact make a point of rejecting others first – I won’t take one for the team or I won’t do the NOT of hot with not… and yet, they are considered the NOT or the one the person would be taking for the team… yet they do not see that…

In this case… this issue that is really upsetting me today – and this blog post is addressing specifically… is when someone assumes something about me and then punishes me for their assumption.

In general, someone anonymous or barely known swinger rejecting me is not a big deal at all. I am under no misconception that I am what every person wants and feel that every person should want me… if they are not interested in flirting, fucking, or anything with me… so be it… Not a big deal… I have no real investment in the process…

However, at the beginning of the year… a female swinger friend just dropped off the face of the earth. I had no contact with her… and I sent her some fucking homemade candy after she returned from a vacation… I heard nothing from you… not in response to my email, not in response to my text about the pending arrival of the goodies, or in response of the arrival of the goodies…

We had a friendship where we talked about a lot of personal things… including kids… we shared a lot of things between us… and suddenly… she left the site and she never contacted me about the goodies… and it is not the goodies… but the fact that she never responded to let me know ‘thanks, things are happening here… can’t really talk’… not one word.

This week… another friendship ended… because this person has the constant issue happening about assuming and punishing me.

I am about to celebrate a birthday and I am in my 40s… about to be a year older… and I have to ask myself… why am I being punished because someone has made an assumption about me instead of asking me? Why after telling him a number of times I do not like this when he does it – assumptions and punishments… do I keep putting up with it?

I admit regularly that words matter to me. If you want to text me, email me, communicate with me… your words matter.

I enjoy having conversations with people who want to communicate with me in a real manner… not the hey shit… but really have an interest in communicating with me. I have told every single person I text I don’t answer if I am busy. I don’t initiate texts except in rare cases… like a birthday wish… notification of impending candies… you know stuff like that… I do not know why people refuse to appreciate their conversations with me. It is in this manner, their choice to start a conversation with me… not responding to me always texting them.

I have let texts go for a few minutes, hours, and yes, sometimes days… I do ignore texts from people after I have already told them that it isn’t working for me… and I find it amazing that they will ignore these messages where I tell them that ‘morning’ ‘hey’ ‘what’s up’ or ‘u naked’ or other u messages don’t work for me and you need to up your game… they ignore that… but they will assume things about me instead of asking me.

People have assumed that because I am bi I will play with any girl in any manner they want and not ask me if I want that… I don’t. They assume I will and get upset when I won’t.

People have assumed that just because they smoke and don’t smoke near me that I want to kiss or smell a person who has been smoking before meeting me or in between smoking breaks…

People assume that because they want me… I want them.

People assume that because they text me at a random time of the day… I am able to text them back… and get upset when I can’t.

People assume that because we text… I want to be on the read only side of their details or come up with all the dialogue.

If you are confused as to what I want by that last sentence, that is likely the problem. A huge problem.

A conversation between two people is a matter of active listening, listening to hear and not to respond, give and take (not all about one person), it is about sharing information between two people…

If I have to read your side of the conversation for more than 10 minutes… it is not a texting conversation. It is a phone call or in person conversation. If you are texting straight for more than 10 minutes on up to an hour… it is not a conversation. It is not chatting. It is you simply carrying on a monologue.

If you assume facts not provided and make a decision based on that assumption… that is not a conversation… that is simply asinine.

A conversation has to have people asking for clarification when they don’t understand. It has to have a person willing to listen to hear not to respond… meaning you listen to what they are saying (or reading) and you will respond only when they are finished, clarify what you don’t understand, restate what you have understood, and making sure that a conversation is about both of you…

Don’t believe me… I can send you a shitload of resources about communication… I can send you power point presentations that show the skills needed for effective communication. Just because one chooses texting as their way to communicate doesn’t mean the rules of communication differ…

Assumptions are the death of a good swinger adventure… they are the death of friendships… they are the death of relationships…

Just think about that a bit…

Muah Sophia

Texting Follow Up

I received a comment that turned into an interesting observation and reflection about my last post… about texting. The reader asked me why do I like to text people – swingers specifically. Here was my answer.

I like to text people that I feel a connection to in order to see where that connection goes. Does it go to a hot and heavy we have to meet very soon conversation and then turn into a planning to meet mechanism? I love those… I really love those types of conversations. Why? Because I am a swinger because I enjoy sexually charged adventures… I love being turned on by a guy and needing to fuck him ASAP and again and again.

I like to text people who I feel a connection to as in a friendship… and this is where it gets tricky… you see, I like to get to know people… but at the same time… it really has to be a two way street in the communication. They have to want to get to know me. I know that I want to get to know them… but I don’t think they want to get to know me as much. Here is how I know that… the conversations turn into ‘all about them’. They contact me and go on forever talking about them… the only thing they talk to me is about them… the only questions they ask me about me is a generic ‘what’s up’. It is not a real ‘friendship’ blooming. I understand that they have things going on in their lives and they want to share them with someone… I feel flattered when I believe they want to share with me… but at some point it turns into a dump on Sophia conversation… even if it is not to gripe about something… but they will share and share and share… and it doesn’t matter one bit what is going on with me… I can’t tell you how many times when I was sick the last few weeks I had to remind people in many conversations that I am not feeling well… They went on and on about this, that and everything… even to the point that they commented on how I was very chatty… and again… I reminded them I don’t feel well… I really felt ignored… and you know what… I don’t think a ‘friend’ would go to great lengths to ignore someone when they say… I don’t feel well and to maybe get off of their ‘I need to dump on you’ to the point that they recognize… hey she doesn’t feel well… maybe I could be nice enough to care enough to say… hope you get feeling better… I will let you go… Nope. So, I am not sure I like to text people to get to know them as much as I thought… because now, I have all this information about them and they have only what they assume they know about me via my blog or forum posts… they do not connect the dots to who I am in whole… but the image they assumed about me… and when that happens… I really lose interest in them and texting them. I feel I put forth time and effort only to be ignored as a person. I know, this is my issue… but this person asked me… but I really do get tired of having people assume they know me and fail to get to know me and then go on and on about themselves constantly.

I like to text with someone I feel a connection with about a wide variety of topics. When I write a blog post… I love to discuss alternative points of view with people… I don’t really enjoy when they rehash what I wrote in my blog… it generally goes something like this… “I see you wrote about XYZ in your blog.” I really want to say “Thanks Captain Obvious, I wasn’t aware of what I wrote about in my blog.” Instead I say… “Yes, I did.” Then they go on to tell me their opinion of what I wrote by telling me they feel the same way, but they go into great detail of why they feel the same way. I sit there and read the texts and think… ‘hmm, how do I comment on this… do I tell them, awesome… couldn’t you just condense it and say… I feel the same way and stop there.’ You see, I am not sure what I am supposed to say at this point… it became a monologue, a boring monologue at this point and I am bored to death while trying to get other things done… if you agree with what I wrote on my blog and want to share your thoughts and your process of coming up with the same conclusion as me… couldn’t you just write a comment on the blog? I mean, this is not a conversation for me. It is weird. Yet, when someone who has a different opinion than mine… I enjoy those conversations until… until they think that by telling me their opinion, I will admit my opinion is wrong. Here is the thing about opinions and points of view… I know that there are multiple sides to every issue known and unknown to man… my point of view is based on the perspectives I see around me, from my filters… from my experiences… and while it may not be absolutely 100% correct, my point of view is that… mine. I may be able to see the path you took to get to your point of view… however, it does not mean I will change my point of view just because you sent me a few hundred texts telling me I am wrong and why I am wrong. You see… I am not wrong… I shared on MY blog MY point of view on a topic. That is all I did. And I must say, that as a writer… I want to instill passion in my readers… if you are happy with what I wrote that is just as fulfilling to me as someone who is very UNhappy with what I wrote… passion is the goal writers aim for… an ambivalent reader does nothing for a writer. So, you don’t have to agree with me 100% on anything. But you know what… that does not make you right or wrong… just different than me… with a different point of view… so I do get tired of having conversations with people who think they will change my mind because they don’t agree with me… This blog is not a life or death situation… if I mentioned a fact about STD that was glaringly incorrect and in that case could be a life or death situation… yes, I will admit I am wrong and correct the information… but if you think that your opinion about full or soft swap is correct and mine is wrong… I don’t think you will win that battle because it is about us having our own opinions… those kinds of text conversations are not as fun as you think they are… they last too long… and are better suited for a phone call or in person conversation… or email… not a fucking 3 hour text-a-thon.

When I try to open up new conversation topics… about things other than sex… the conversations don’t really go far. I am not sure why they don’t go far but they don’t… I try and try and try and they bring it back to talking about them and their sex lives. Or about their lives in general… what they are doing at work, home, and in the minds… and I sit there and think… why am I texting this person? I want to get to know a person… about the whole person… and when you have exclaimed all the sexual things you want to do and how much you want to meet… shouldn’t it evolve to something a bit more than your favorite position… often it goes directly into ‘let me recount all my conquests, I know you are dying for them…’ and the answer is no, not really.

I think there is a natural competition between swingers to outdo another swinger. I saw this with the cookie exchange. I swear I will not do another one. It was a fucking on-upping contest… who can deliver the most treats, the fanciest treats… and suddenly cookies became pies… and it never ended… really, you have to fucking one up everyone else… it is that way with the stories of ‘how many want me’… if you hear someone wants someone else, you have to brag about how many want you… like it matters… swingers are swingers because they want to fuck others… it is not a contest… And I think because I talk about my adventures openly… people think they need to keep up with me… like “I want her to know I am popular too”. I don’t care. If I am interested in you, it is because I AM INTERESTED IN YOU… Not your numbers… not your ego… not your desire to be desired by more people… and if we are talking about meeting at any time… does that really matter how many others want you?

I shared this with the person asking me why I text… after all I shared above… I told him, ‘right now, I really don’t know why I text people. I am really disillusioned by the whole texting thing. I am tired of texting… yet, I still love to have those connections. I am conflicted and tired of being conflicted.’

I explained why I am conflicted… I think I have too high of expectations for people texting me. I am honest about that… I think that when I give my full attention to an incoming text (when I am able to, because let’s be honest… we can’t all be fully able to text 24/7)… I am showing that person I really care that they texted me. However, when I can tell they aren’t giving me their full attention… it really hurts. Because I rarely initiate texts with others… they are making the first step to communicate with me… why do so if you aren’t able to fully pay attention or give attention to me. I explained that sometimes I get a text… and I am already on my phone and less than 5 seconds pass before I respond… and via KIK you can see it was sent and delivered but not read. That is something I just don’t get… why start a conversation if you can’t continue the conversation less than 30 seconds after you sent the first message?

I enjoy the communication with people… I really do. I enjoy more – phone calls. I mean seriously… I would rather have an in depth conversation about anything via phone than spend 45 minutes dragging out what could have taken less than 3 minutes via phone. While I understand that texting allows you to communicate on your time… meaning you get to it when you can… how hard is it to pick up the phone and call someone? And considering how long people take to type out 4 words at a time… pick up the fucking phone and call me.

I enjoy communication with people and I don’t take it for granted… or them for granted… I think that many people do take communication with me for granted. I am supposed to be there for them when they randomly text me immediately… but they don’t return the favor. I am supposed to carry on a conversation with them… but they don’t have to make more than the initial effort of saying “hey, what’s up”. They assume I want to hear solely about them and they put in randomly… ‘oh hey, forgot… good morning.’

Maybe it is the way of communicating now-a-days… but poor communication skills just suck… and with the poor communication skills are the games that come about…

So I don’t know why I like to text… I love the quality connections that exist between me and some folks I text… but it is the ones that are shitty that really bother me…

I have had female and male friends suddenly go radio silent on me for no reason… only to pop up later and expect me to be just as open and willing to chat with them… they have ‘reasons’ or ‘excuses’ or ‘bs’ to share with me as to why they went radio silent… and then have the audacity to say they miss me…

So, I shared all this with this person… and told this person that I don’t feel bad for sharing this and in fact, I feel better as I was honest as to why this bothers me… It was via the comment section of the blog and not texts… LOL…

The response I received.

I have much the same feelings. I have shared with many people my time to text them. Some of it was strictly sexting. Some of it was supposed to be friendship. Some of it was supposed much deeper feelings. Most of it was a load of crap. People are so caught up in their own shit they don’t realize that they are hurting people by lying to them. I, like you enjoy communicating with others, but it hurts when treated so poorly. Most don’t seem to get it or care that it is rotten how they treat people. This isn’t just someone who is texting only to set up a time to get laid. It is the fact they they pretend they care when they don’t. They don’t care about me and they don’t care about my time. Texting is a rude way of communicating if you think about it and it is an ego filled method of communicating. It has led to people cheating on their spouses. When you share with me more than you share with your spouse, that is in essence cheating. Yes, a very conservative message there, but it is true. I love to text like you to communicate with others. Like you, it hurts when you realize that the person texting you is just wasting your time. I am not talking about someone you fuck once and maybe twice. But when someone pretends to be your friend or something more. If you take a person for granted, you are not a true friend, lover, or anything but a person who will treat someone like shit for your own gain. I know this is a rambling mess of thoughts. But I have asked myself a lot recently why I text them. When I read your post I knew I was not alone. I guess it is in part my fault because I do love the attention when someone wants to text me. I try to keep my ego in check. But when you begin to think that someone is a friend and then you step back and read their texts and you realize that what they keep telling you is you are one of many and mean nothing, you have to ask yourself why you bother communicating with them. I believe many men have an ego problem… when they find a woman who wants to get to know them, their ego feels good for the first time in a long time. They get high off that feeling and lose all common sense. They want to have that woman want them and they go about it completely wrong. They brag about other women wanting them. While we are swingers and we understand variety in partners is what we seek, is it too much to ask that they spend a little time letting us know they want us for more than an ego boost. Even if that is all they want us for really. I mean, we try to make them feel good and wanted, why does that stop just because we text a bit more. Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate your honesty and feel we are on the same page. Let’s just hope men get on the same page soon. Treat a women like she matters to you and you will be a hero in her eyes. Treat a woman like anyone can easily replace her and she will replace you as a friend, a swinger partner, as a lover. – Susan

Thanks Susan. I agree with what you wrote… I don’t text just everyone that comes across my KIK screen and I don’t give out my number to just anyone. If I chose to text you it is because you matter to me… If I chose not to text you anymore… it is because you no longer matter to me… and yes, that breaks my heart…

Muah Sophia