Category Archives: first impressions

The A-ha Moment… Of Swinging….

The last two posts have been an honest expression of what is freaking annoying to some and completely clueless to others… but very necessary to acknowledge… and that is the realization that some people want to or need to have someone want them to get down and dirty…

I found out through chat, text, and personal conversation that there have been a number of A-ha moments… 
That moment when you finally got the message… 
Or the moment you realized that what you felt and needed is finally put into words… 
Or the missing element identified that makes this swinging thing move from an okay idea to an exciting adventure.. 
Make no mistake there buddy… I am not making fun of you…. 
I know about that moment when I finally got the message…. 
Or the moment I realized what I felt and needed was finally put into words… 
Or the missing element identified that made swinging move from an okay idea to an exciting adventure… 
I had all those epiphanies… and I share with you all my epiphanies… sometimes as they are still unfolding.. 
When I am looking at an issue, experience, thought, and whatever it may be… and searching for some understanding, some clarity… some commonality… 
Yep… those are real learning experiences… teachable moments… and I am meaning for me too… 
Someone said to me ‘have you ever considered that you writing so much ‘honest’ stuff about swinging is turning people off?’ 
“That maybe no one will want to swing with you because you mention ‘stupid’ things they do.” 
Well, here is a bit of a thought I had at that moment… 
Since this is an ecard… I am thinking I am not the only one who has has this thought….
So I explained very nicely that you know what… if you are going to be a drama queen or king… a drunk swinger who can’t get it up… or a pillow princess… or just out and out odd, stupid, rude, selfish, etc… and you are swinging or hoping to swing with me and you know I have a blog because you have read what I wrote… 
Please see the image above… you really need to look and read that image above…
I reviewed my blog and asked three different people what the tone of my blog is overall…. Here are the three words used SEXY, FUNNY, HONEST.
I asked how is it sexy. Obvious question – but I followed up as in is it sexy in every post or are you just remembering the really sexy ones… 
The answer – your blog is sexy because of the sexy bits you write but also the overall theme of the blog is how to have a sexually social adventure if you pay attention and stop cock blocking yourself. (this was said by a guy, but I am sure many women are pussy blocking themselves too). 
The next question was how is it funny – She said, well, you have covered every stupid example I have run across and many I haven’t and don’t want. You bring a sense of humor even in the posts you wrote about being depressed. You show people in the most obvious and funny ways how stupid they are and how obvious it is to everyone how stupid they are being. And then you are just funny. Some of the stuff you write cracks me up. 
Bet you can guess the last question is how is it honest – He said with the input of his wife – how can you not say it is anything but honest. I mean come on, you talk about shit and butt sex, you talk about rude people and you talk about how you were hurt so bad that you were seriously depressed. You talk about any subject about swinging and you hold nothing back. Swinging isn’t as fun as some people think it is when you have to deal with some of these people. Those who only have happy stories are either very lucky or they are liars. No one has the most perfect partners each time. I can’t tell you how many limp dicks I have run across and wondered why are you swinging. You mention that. And you know what, that story about the guy who read your blog and then asked you not to mention him in the blog and yet acted crazy, damn right I would have posted about him. WHO DOES THAT SHIT! 
I asked, what can I do differently on the blog? 
The answer…. post more pictures. 
Of what I ask? 
Of what is on your profiles. (they have access to the site profiles and all our pics. 
Well here you go… a pic for you.. or two… sorta nice and rather naughty… 

Some one said that they didn’t really understand why I don’t talk about our rules. I told them that I believe most swingers are more interested in telling you how you have to act than to instigate a positive reaction from you… 
I would rather you want me so bad…. than to tell you if you do this and this and this and this you are bad and not worthy of me… 
Difference of opinion… a big one… 
We have one rule.. we both have to agree….  and hubby and I both violated it this past weekend… I was not in agreement with the first date… he was not honoring my wishes… and well, 
It was an ugly weekend… no blows happened… but I did what he wanted because he wanted it and he asked me for what he wanted and knew I did not want… and well… it was not our favorite weekend ever…. 
So, are you saying Sophia that you should ignore your rules? 
Nope, but you really have to know the difference between rules and preferences. 
We have one rule, we both have to agree… we have a lot of preferences… we don’t tell all our prospective swing partners all of our preferences… if they don’t fit into our preferences then why tell them that they do not match up… just say no, walk away, say maybe another time… let them down without devastating them… 
Do you really need to write on your preference of not wanting to have sex with a bald man? Can you be an adult and pass on any man who has bald hair without making it seem like he is less than a human being… or a woman who has tits too big or too small… move on… flirt with them if you want, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with them or devastate them… Do you need to spend a two hour dinner talking about your rules?????? Can anyone tell me how this has helped you get laid????? and had fun doing it?
You need to know the difference between first dates and clinical conversations. Please people, learn this one… a first date should be fun and sexy… there should be flirting and hard cocks pushing against zippers and wet panties and hard nipples and the chemistry should be deep and flowing… and the need to touch and kiss and all that good stuff causing you about to explode…. well so many say that they have to let the other person know what they like in regards to sex and what they do not…. 
Have you every considered sitting next to your prospective date (and yes, consider them a date) and whisper what you want, what you think of him or her, of what you are thinking about… if you love to have your hair pulled – remember I DO NOT! then tell him how much you love to be fucked from behind and have his fingers wrapped in your hair, pulling it as he thrust hard into you… or maybe you tell him that you love having his hands wrapped in your hair as you suck his hard cock… taking him in your mouth… slurping his cock… sucking him dry… (you see what I did there… you want him to fuck you – a big one there – you are telling him you want him… you want him to fuck you hard, from behind, pull your hair and if he happens to shove that cock in your mouth… you will gladly swallow him till he is dry….) you can tell him your rules without listing your fucking rules while building his desire for you and you building your desire for him….. THIS IS EASY FOLKS… REALLY IT IS!

You need to know the difference between wanting someone and tolerating their presence… How many times have you sat on one side of the table with your spouse as they sat on the other and no none acted like they want to be there… and heavens forbid if one person (usually me) flirted with one or both of them… damn you would have thought I was sitting there waiting to be accepted as a Nun rather than on a swinger date with other swingers….

You need to know how to flirt, how to build desire, how to think of someone other than yourself… you need to know that in order to have that really good, wet, hard, wonderful, can’t stop thinking of this 
If you do not know how to do this… GOOGLE IT… do something… but by all that is good in this world, do something… 
And seriously… I had 5 people (men on behalf of their women and women themselves) tell me that I was very accurate… some very first dates are more clinical than a gyno exam… and we are not talking about one of those exams with the sexy gyno doctor… but the one where he looks like your grandpa or a grandma… and they have seen so many pussies that nothing is exciting to them… 
One said, seriously thought she was having one when playing one time… He barely said anything to her… they decided to play anyways… he stuck two fingers in her pussy and wiggled them and pulled them out… Stuck his cock in her kinda like the tool for a pap smear… and then he was done…she swears to God that he patted her on the leg…. 
If you could see me right now, you would see me shaking my head…. 
We are supposed to be swingers… we are supposed to like to have sex with strangers… how is this getting done if we cannot connect with people… make them want us because we want them….
Well, I hope you are flirting up a storm folks… we need to bring sexy flirting back to swinging… 
Sophia

Hmmm….

Hubby was not happy with my post yesterday. He took it wrong. He thought I was being mean to him. I am assuming it was part where I spoke of – if he wants to have a date with someone who has done nothing to build a connection with me… that he can… and the rest of that….

I was seriously not being mean about that… he doesn’t have to play with the same people at the same time as me… we have hall passes… I am secure in the adventure… I know that I need someone to at least act like they want me… I am not talking months of courting… I am talking about having someone who acts in words and behaviors that they are interested in me… that they want to get to know me and they want have sex with me… otherwise… what are we doing? I do not need to sit on a first date going over all the generic crap without anyone making any flirty, naughty, or otherwise “I WANT YOU VIBE” getting going…

When I am at a party and someone looks at me and makes a move to talk to me, I am thrilled to pieces… ‘that starts the connection’….. I am not talking about the courtship connection some people want… but the I WANT YOU TO WANT ME CONNECTION.

I think that is where so many swingers go wrong… they don’t understand what a big deal that is to get what you want… and if you want to have sex with other swingers you have to connect with them on the level of “I WANT YOU”.

Even if you choose a better way of saying it that will guarantee you some success, you have to let them know you are interested in more than just swapping swinging rules and stories… that you want to take this further even if you have to wait a few days, weeks, months to do so…. there is a need built upon…

The fact my husband failed to see the problem before hand… and took it as an attack on him… it wasn’t an attack… it was an explanation of why so many people do not have fun in the lifestyle as a swinger.. they are unwilling to let others know they want them. They think that meeting at a restaurant or bar or party or hotel takeover is enough to express they want you…

We all know that isn’t true as many people will date just to have something to do… or date just to reject others… yes, I am serious… that so happens… they want to be the one who rejects rather than being rejected…

Others date to share their experiences as in stories and go over their rules… nothing to build any excitement….

I don’t want to hear what you are doing with others… I want to hear what you want to do with me… talk to me about me and I will talk to you about you….

On chat today while writing this post I asked a question, on a scale of 1-3 with one the lowest and 3 the highest, how effective are you at letting others know you want them no matter how you define want them…

The answers quickly went to rules, expectations, and other technical aspects. I am sorry, you sharing your rules does not make me want you. You telling me what you did with others does not make me want you….

I went on a slight soapbox dissertation about this topic….. I explained that if you cannot make me want you, you cannot have me…

I explained it like I had yesterday on the post and today….

If you cannot tell me in words or behaviors you want me… you will never have me…

If I want emotionless sex… I can hire a prostitute or escort.

I want to be wanted… I want to want you…

The art of seduction…

Do you remember before you were married when you were dating and you flirted with others and let them know you were interested in them….

You are swingers… go ahead and take a chance and let them know you want them… if your spouse is not okay with it.. then why are you swinging?

I am serious. Why are you swinging if you cannot flirt with me and let me know you want me… why can’t you and your spouse make nice with the other couple to let everyone know you want to know them better and you know… get down and dirty with them….

Well, the chat room has perked up and I am hoping I have left a good idea in their minds to go out and flirt with others when you are in swinging situations… to me it makes the most sense…

And if you read yesterday’s post and got upset thinking it was mean or I was pointing you out as a bad guy… well, I am not… I am simply explaining something that is so very simple but we tend to make it so complicated for no other reason than we want to..

Yep, the majority want to cock and pussy block themselves… how do I know? Because I see it all the time… it is so sad too!

Hope you aren’t cock and pussy blocking yourself!

Sophia

I Want You To Want Me…. Pretty Simple Huh?

I want you to want me… pretty simple huh?

Not really.

I am surprised how many swingers do not get this. A few days ago on chat someone jumped on and was whining because his wife had surgery a few days prior (got a boob job) and he has been without sex for 8 days. I knew what he was doing… fishing for sympathy and to get someone to chat with him until he got off…

Well, I don’t feel sorry for him because it was 8 days without sex. His wife voluntarily had her breasts enlarged. She voluntarily had surgery. It wasn’t like she had cancer, severely broken bones, was in an accident and had internal bleeding or anything else. She planned to have surgery and I am guessing you agreed to it… so here you are whining because she is still in pain and cannot have sex.

BIG FUCKING DEAL!

I am not interested in this guy, just ‘spoke’ to him for the first time that night… there was no connection between us. There was nothing but a one-sided need to get off… anyone would do.. there was nothing that made me special in his eyes.

On this blog…. I wrote about no more first dates. I wrote about chase. I wrote about chase and capture. I wrote about the pitfalls of no chase.

I am a girl who likes to be wanted. My personality is made up in such as way that I enjoy being wanted. But my personality also is one that likes to have someone that wants me – want me for me. Not just what I can do for them.

Complex? Not really.

Everyone is like that.

The problem is not everyone understands the entire give and take concept in life…

If you give… you should have something you can take with you….

Why? Because the person appreciates what you gave and feels a desire to give back to you…

It is not keeping score….

It is giving freely because someone gave to you first…

However, people are inherently selfish….

Like the chat guy… everyone was getting tired of him whining about his lack of sex….

You know what buddy… you have a computer (you were on it when whining) go look up some porn, grab your dick by your hand and jack off…

You gave nothing to anyone worth anything… you got nothing in return…

How do I know this is true? Because when no one bothered to take him up on the whining/no sex conversation after the initial… “WOW, hope Mrs is healing nicely, not in a lot of pain, and other words of sympathy” he jumped off… I am assuming just as horny as when he got on since he didn’t get off…

You know I love to spin a tale of sexy words to others… but I am not an erotica generator… my specialty is not free… you have to give if you want to receive (more than once)…. usually it is a mutually satisfying exchange… at least that is what I am told…. but if you think that you can contact me however you want and I am going to spin a tale… well you have to avoid the following:

  • whining
  • asking me what am I wearing
  • start of with BDSM and assuming I am a sub
  • don’t act desperate… not attractive on anyone
What can you do? 
  • take interest in me – like I am a person – like what I will do for you…. 

I HATE first dates. If there has been no interest in getting to know me at least a little bit before the first date….. the first date sucks. Similar to the whole horny whiner on chat….

Why… because I want you to want me….

Pretty simple.

I want to want you….

I would not be on the date (in theory) if I didn’t WANT TO WANT YOU….. I am looking for reasons to want you from the moment of our first contact – even if it is a perv on a profile…. I am one of those few swingers that look for reasons to want you… to fuck you… to befriend you… rather than find a reason to NOT WANT YOU….

So why aren’t you doing something to make me want you?

How does that happen if you have shared nothing with me….

I am not talking about the dirty details of your skeletons in your closet…

I am not talking about the millions of rules you have for your swinging adventure…

I am talking about feeling a spark of interest…

I am talking about feeling a bit of desire to know more…

I am talking about flirting with me…..

I am talking about having the balls to go ahead and make it known in front of your wife and my husband you want to get to know me….

kiss me…

touch me….

feel me next to you….

and that you want to fuck me….

I want you to want me….

Why is this so hard?

What makes a swinger make the entire first date so clinical?

What makes swingers think that there will be instant chemistry when we meet when there is nothing whatsoever between us…

Not a bit of connection…

And no one wants to do anything to build the connection.

And one person needs the connection.

And one person doesn’t get the connection and sits there wondering – while appearing to be having a good time – just what do they think will happen…. I am not going to fuck you ever. NO chance in hell. You have not expressed a desire to fuck me. Yet you keep going on about your rules, experiences, and all the other talk about swinging… we aren’t swinging… there is no reason to swing.

Now, these people often are very fun to be around. Very interesting. Very cool.

Just no connection.

It is like there is an opportunity to make a good first impression and you passed it up. Nothing you do at the time of the first date will increase the connection that was passed.

Well at least for me…

I know I am not alone…

How do I know this? Because a lot of people have shared this same sentiment.

I am not saying you have to spend hours each day texting me. I am not saying you have to email me constantly or call me… or anything like that…

But you must make me feel like you want me.

And you must make me want you.

There is the old give and take…..

How do you do this?

I am sorry, but I am not going to give you all a bunch of individual steps on how to do this as many will take it literally and think this is the only way….

But take a look at the profile.

Take a look at the pictures.

Take an interest in the person whose pants you want to get into…

Try to communicate with them.

Make an effort.

You will find that if you make an effort to show interest in someone they will respond.

It may not be what you want… but it is a response.

Take a moment and look at those moves/words that worked and those that did not work. Analyze why they worked. And didn’t work.

But you know what… you really should take the time to build a connection.

                                              

“I want you to want me”

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

I’ll shine up the old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
I’ll get home early from work 
If you say that you love me

Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?
Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying 
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me

I’ll shine up the old brown shoes
Put on a brand-new shirt
I’ll get home early from work 
If you say that you love me

Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?
Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?

Feelin’ all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me


The only first dates I will go on anymore are ones where there was a CHASE that happened prior to the meet. I will only go on a first date if I have to meet them… I have to talk to them in person. I have to kiss them. I have to touch them. I have to fuck them.

I have to get hubby to understand this.

If you want me to be your wing man step up to the game yourself. I have done all kinds of things as your wing man, putting  your needs first, your personality quirks before mine…. I need a wing man who understands my need for a connection and encourages the connection.

If there is no connection, there will be no first date.

If there is no connection with me and hubby wants a first date… go solo my friend… I am so okay with that you have no idea. I will not get jealous, feel bad, or hate you for it… Erotic Pride and all that…

I do not need to be tethered to you… I do not need same bed, same room, or at the same time…

I do need a connection… a want… a desire… with me to him/her and him/her with me….

If you want the play time with the couple, you want to meet them… you want to do whatever without the connection I need… go for it..

We have hall passes for a reason.

I cannot do anymore first dates without a connection before hand.

They are about as clinical as a gyno exam. Except I don’t get a pat on the outer thigh to tell me to close my legs…. those pats telling you to go ahead and close your legs are so reassuring… LOL

I believe you may have success at this hubby… if they do not want to get to know me before we meet… and are only communicating with you… it may not matter if I am around… maybe they want to have a second man… DP is always fun… being fucked while sucking a cock is also fun…. go for it…

It isn’t like I am gonna want the guy or the girl… kinda need that connection…

I kinda need you to want me….

The nice thing about our sexually social adventure… it is always changing and adapting as we learn more about what we want, need, will put up with….

Hope you are figuring your sexually social adventure out!

Sophia

Not Sure What This Is About

Writing a blog post today, kinda late in the evening because I am purposely causing myself writer’s block. I want to write about something that is still pissing me off and I have to wait… till I am not so pissed…

I thought of something.. some of the oddest ‘come ons’ via email and IM that I have heard…

I don’t mean to be mean… but damn, we seriously need to up our game here… some of this stuff is too lame for it to ever work… while you get points for being willing to put yourself out there.. take a minute and think… “hmmm, how well will this be received”….

I love (not really) the come ons that are exclaiming that he can fuck me like I have never been fucked before…

Kills me.. because umm, how do you know what my fucking experience has been? And how are you going to make brownie points as in get into my pants if you insult my husband… like he doesn’t know how to fuck…

But maybe that is what you think… that we are on this adventure because he can’t fuck me good enough…. interesting…

Or they tell you that you really need to see their package as they are well equipped… yet have not one picture on their profile of their face, body or package….

Or they send an email telling your husband ‘she has a nice ass I’d like to tap’… are you asking hubby for permission or hoping I won’t mind being treated like property…

Then there are the ones that will give their entire statistics in the email like a classified ad for a house or car…. if I am interested in you… you know what, I will read your profile and look over your statistics…

Many will tell me what they do best… they can do oral for hours… well, I am going to be honest.. I love oral, but I do not want to have oral done to me for hours… I want to be a bit more interactive and I do so love to be fucked…. and besides that my pussy likes to be fucked before it is either overly sensitive or put to sleep from hours of just laying there… did I mention I am an active participant here…

So what is the solution?

Don’t try to pick us up…..

Seems pretty simple to me…

We are sexually social… we are already interested in fucking strange… talk to us… interest us… be real… don’t present yourself as a cock or pussy for hire…

Be real.. talk to us.. tell what you like to do… what you find interesting about us… and then sit back when you realize that you opened up the communication pathways… and for many women… who if we are honest… want men and women to value them and find them sexy… for the mind and body… will be more receptive to your inquiries…

But word of warning here… you need to also keep up the real communication efforts… I cannot tell you how many times we and I mean I was interested in someone who appeared to understand how to communicate to suddenly say something as stupid as ‘so bitch, you want to suck my cock’…

Yeah, that happens and then the apology that comes is a just not going to work… you turned off the woman you had turned on…

I guess you can say… “If in doubt, throw the cookie cutter out”… as in not all women respond in the same way.. so instead of trying the sad lines on them all…. be yourself… and I am sure you are not really a sleezy man… try something original…

Be yourself….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Listing All Your Rules in Your Profile

Before I get to far into this post… let me remind you that I firmly believe your adventure your way…. I do believe this with all my heart and it is because we do this our way… we have made this adventure our own…. we do things how it feels best for us…. and I believe it is and should be the same for you…. your way….

However…. I am asking you to consider… to possibly see the point I am going to make on this post as valid and not contradictory from my statement that its your adventure your way…..

My point…. “It is not always the best course of attracting others to have sex with by listing all your rules in your profile.”

Now.. let me explain….I am not saying you can’t have rules… I am not saying you should not communicate your rules in your profile or tell others about your rules… I am soooo not saying that…. what I am saying… my point is…. it is not always the best course of action to LIST them in your profile…..

Here is what I mean….. I will give you two examples… the first one is the listing of the rules and the second is an alternative to listing rules….. and hey… just so you know… I have seen each of these things I list in the examples in REAL profiles… no lie…. And some of these are like WOW!

Example 1

We are a couple who is secure in our marriage, have a great sex life, and bring no drama.

  • you must be shaved, this means your genital area 
  • and if you are a guy, your back and neck hair, 
  • women must have their arm pits shaved as well as all their pubic hair, even those hairs by your ass. 
  • men must have their ass shaved – we do not play with your ass at all, but it must be shaved because it is just gross,  
  • you have to be clean and smell nice, 
  • you cannot wear too much cologne or perfume
  • you must have your teeth, 
  • you cannot have more than two missing teeth
  • and none of them missing can be in the front of your mouth, 
  • you cannot drink more than 2 drinks in one hour during dinner or drinks
  • we will not play with drunks
  • you cannot smoke while with us
  • if you smoke before meeting us, make sure the last cigarette is more than two hours earlier, you used mouthwash, washed your hands, and changed your clothes
  • you must use condoms (okay that isn’t a bad rule but wait there is more)… but you can only use the following brands, sizes, colors, and textures – you have to purchase them for us to use
  • only the following lubes can be used…..
  • you have to be willing to do 45-60 minutes of oral sex before intercourse
  • we only stay in 4 star hotels as rated by AAA and you must make the reservations… 
  • we will only pay half the cost if the room meets our standards 
  • Single men must pay for the hotel room 
  • you must text both of us at least 5 times before we will agree to meet
  • we must have a skype session to ensure each of us is what we say we are
  • you cannot have gained more than 5 pounds from the time we ‘see’ you and when we actually meet
  • if you change your appearance – hair color, length, add a beard or remove facial hair you must tell us before we meet
  • you must fit our description of HWP (okay, the problem with this one is two fold…. first… they never give their description of HWP…. second… they both were very obese…. )
  • we have to have 3 dates before any play happens
  • you cannot text the opposite sex but phone calls to the opposite sex is allowed (hell, I can have more phone sex talking to a person on the phone and it is much better than trying to stop and text using my left hand because my right hand is busy)…. 
  • sex is only SAME BED/SAME ROOM (the caps was because it was caps in the profile)
  • DO NOT TRY to come between us
  • no nicknames are allowed – that means no sweetie, honey, babe, and so on
There are so many more examples I could post… we have run across so many of them…. some just make me ask WTF and really no drama?
So much for just accepting folks as they are huh?
Here is a profile that mentions they have rules but does it in a way that makes you want to meet them…. 
Example 2 
We try very hard to present ourselves as we are and would love to have you do the same… please look like your pictures and understand that if you do not look like your pictures we will not continue our date let alone play…. Just because we meet does not mean we will play… we reserve the right to say no at any time and for any reason. We know what we are attracted to and often it is a combination of every thing about a person and we don’t always know if we are gonna really connect until we meet…… 
Do you see how they mention they have ‘criteria’ but do not go on and on about it? It is possible to have your rules in place but not tell others… but still have the right to say no at any time…. 
I bet you are wondering why this is a topic to discuss….. well, here is the reason… which person would you like to meet… the example 1 or example 2? 
I feel it is important for people to let others know what they want… but does it have to be in the profile as a list? 
I am going under the assumption that you and I will communicate before meeting. And we may even communicate before agreeing to meet…. WOW what a thought! During that pre-meet communication we can determine if we are compatible….if our preferences match… if we like what we see on the pictures… if the words shared reach us in a way that is positive…. that if there is any chemistry to be built….. I would rather know what is their current thoughts rather than what is posted in their 2 year old profile, never updated…..
But the real issue…. is how likely are you going to find quality people to play with if you come across as undesirable, picky, demonstrating a double standard (hey you want your playmates to be fit but you are not fit or have teeth but you don’t…. it happens)….. or just rude in how you word it…. 
You should know what you find attractive but do you have to put it out there… in a list to alienate those who read your profile… 
I find it a turn off when people list all the do’s and don’ts because your profile is mostly about what I have to be or do and little about you… the overwhelming message I get is you are picky… not easy going… you are judgmental… not open minded… you are selling yourself and the product isn’t looking so pleasing… 
Now the argument is that less is more… you should say less to get them to communicate to you more… this is a good thing… leaving something for them to ask about… something not already mentioned a million times before… it is a good thing… 
But what if you don’t care to learn about them…. well then less is more in that case as well… just tell them… “hey we love to fuck anything that comes our way… no rules… no preferences.. you have a cock or pussy or both… come join us.”
Same principle… less is more… help you attract those you want to attract and repel those who don’t play like you… 
Can you attract people with a highly unique profile? Yes…. you can… on one site we are on… we average more than 7500 profile views a day…. and we get a handful of emails talking about how cool our profile is… we have people starting conversations with us because of our profile… it sets them up high on our radar…. 
So, I am going to go out on a limb here and ask you to think about the image you are presenting…. do you want to make yourself  more attractive to others without any cosmetic changes or weight loss? consider looking at your profile and see if someone else would find it interesting, entertaining, or worthy of real consideration… if not… do something about it… It may make a huge difference in your adventure…. 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Due Diligence….

Swingers/sexually social/lifestylers are by nature a group of people hiding what they like to do… have sex with strangers…

We go to great lengths to avoid telling anyone anything that can identify ourselves in vanilla land… we purposely mislead others by avoiding the industry we work in and where our actual location is where we live and all kinds of other fun things… we purposely try to keep our private lives private while showing our cocks, pussies, breasts, and even pictures of us fucking…

It is an interesting predicament we are in… we want to meet others but refuse to share details…we want to fuck others… but we don’t want to become to close… we want to share sex but avoid intimate details like our last name, hometown, or other distinguishing factors about us that make us… us.

But heaven help us all if we are wanting to have a threesome MFM with a man who declares himself SINGLE….

We are suddenly expected to do our DUE DILIGENCE and then some… we are suddenly expected to ask all kinds of questions of the single male and then go even farther… we are expected to demand from them what we do not volunteer ourselves….

You might think I am joking… or exaggerating… but I am not…

We are and by we I mean hubby and I but mostly me… are single male friendly…. I enjoy the thrill of a MFM… I love DP and you know what… it really does work better with two cocks…. so I love to search for the perfect Single Male for a threesome…. But you know what… you just can’t go put out a call through emails or hot dates or rendezvous to single males and plan a threesome… it takes a lot of work…

First you have to weed out those who are too gross or creepy that respond to your MFM shout out… and there are a number of them that are gross and creepy and I am not talking just looks… but yeah, that does have some to do with it…but there are some that just give you the creeps when they communicate with you or you read their profile….

After you eliminate the gross and creepy… you eliminate those with a couple profile that state – “no longer a couple, male plays alone”.  Well, if you are no longer a couple… take down the female’s pictures and stats… that is just awkward, odd, and stupid…. if you are not a couple… contact the administration and become a single man….

Yes, we all know that you are doing a bait and switch type thing… you do not want to be blocked from so many couples who block single males… but damn it all… that is just wrong…

So, then you have to eliminate the single but posted as couples from the equation and you know what? This sounds like a great deal of due diligence already…. but alas… there is more…

Now you have to start reading profiles and search for those clue words that they may not be as single as they claim…. you know the key words like ‘can only play during the day’, ‘can only play during the week’, ‘can only play during the day, during the week, on certain days, at certain times, and I have to be home in time for dinner.’  Okay that last one was a bit of creativity by me… never been told they have to be home for dinner… but the time frames they give you makes you “KNOW” that is what they meant….

So you skip those too… because you know that means they are married men with a flexible work schedule and they will fit you in during the work day as long as their wife doesn’t find out….

Now I bet you are thinking…. what if they work nights? Well, how about this… if they work nights and they can only play during the day…. well, think about this… if you worked nights… and could only play during the day… wouldn’t you say that in your profile…..

“I work the night shift which makes it difficult to play at night with others… my availability is usually during the day except for my every other weekend off.”

Easy peasy there… but I don’t think that many ‘cheaters’ think about that…. they are only thinking about cheating and getting some when they can get some and covering their asses while trying to get some….

Then we have the ones that cannot plan any meeting times… nothing set in stone… it is usually done around the families schedule… as in if the Mrs is off running errands or heading to her mom’s house then he can schedule a meet… and then if the Mrs’s schedule changes any… well.. then he has to postpone the meet time until such a time as the Mrs finally gets her ass in the car and go….

Yes, those scenarios play out often… and when they do… you just got your confirmation he is a cheater not a single man playing as a single man….

Do you see just how much due diligence you go through before you actually find a single man to meet…. it is enough to wear you out… and this is a problem because those single men who are actually single men are at a loss as to what to do to be able to meet a couple to play with…. so much shit going on with the posers…

What do you do about those Single Men who are actually married and get to play without their wives and with their blessing and approval?

This is where it gets a bit dicey… the whole due diligence thing is really complicated here… and sometimes people do not like the answers others give….

But remember… swingers/sexually social/lifestylers are by nature more secretive about their personal lives… we often accept what people tell us as fact until otherwise shown… that they may be a liar won’t come out right away… when with a single female or couple… but we expect a different standard for single men… we expect them to share with us all the details including the voice verification of their wife that they can go on and fuck you…. We do not demand this from others… well, to be fair some do… but those are few and far between….

I have been lied to by a number of folks during our sexually social adventure… and the majority of them are couples… female and male almost equally have lied to me…. about all kinds of things… while I believe that most people will tell the truth more often than not… I do know that is not the reality… many people lie for a number of reasons….

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt… but that does not mean that I will suddenly believe them to tell me the truth all the time…. so I tend to look for inconsistencies, key words, behaviors, and other tells that maybe they are not telling the truth….

Our first MFM was with a married but plays as single… he told us honestly his marital status… told us about his wife… talked about her with great respect and otherwise made a great impression with us… he lived in Alabama we live in NC…. he was coming to our area for a race he was in… we did not ask for voice verification from his wife that he is able to play with us… He talked to us openly about a club him and the Mrs had just gone to that was one we had gone too… he spoke of her entering this adventure a bit more slowly than he… I did not see a need to verify with his wife that he could play…. some believed I was wrong in not demanding the verification of his wife’s approval…. Here is why I did not… if this man was going to travel several states to come see us… and he had his heart set on meeting us… who is to say that he wasn’t going to have a FEMALE friend play his wife…. I am going to trust him enough to have sex with him but had to go and dig deep into his life to verify what he says is true… But I do not do this for the couples I meet…. a double standard… a statement of I believe you are lying before I even meet you….

I took a lot of flack for that… but I would counter those who got upset… that I did not talk to the wife first…. “You didn’t speak to either of us on the phone before meeting us or having sex with us?” “How did you know that I was the female talking to you and that hubby wasn’t going to come here by himself?”

Some of those couples had stories of where a man did show up by himself stating some excuse why the wife couldn’t come….

Some mentioned that they had other examples of blatant lying was done…..

So my question then was… how much due diligence must one do? For everyone? And does it guarantee they are telling the truth when you do voice verification?

One couple told a story of their method of verifying who they are going to meet… They skype with them… they get to see the couple/person on cam and talk with them…. then they told the follow up story that one time they cammed with a couple that ended up not being a true couple. They were both cheating on their spouses… they cammed together but then it came out that they were married to others and play/cheat together….

Well, according to their story, they had done their due diligence and were still lied to….

All we can do is do the most we feel comfortable with….do our own due diligence… if you are not willing to open yourself up to 20 deep and personal questions asked by another person… then you should not subject others to that treatment…

If you have a number of ‘steps’ to catch someone in a lie about their singledom and weed out the cheaters as best you can… well that is all you can do… if they slip past you… it may not be because you didn’t do a voice verification (someone else can always play wife) or even a cam verification as someone else can always play wife…. it may be because they perfected their lie….

Due diligence is not always easy…. it is not always foolproof… and sometimes no matter how well you do… it isn’t enough….

Hopefully this eases some of your guilt if you are not doing a full background check, DMV and property searches, and getting five or more family references as to their martial state…..

The bottom line is… if someone is set to lie to you and everyone else they want to lie to… well….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Part One

For many exploring their sexuality…  they will seek out information…. and sometimes it is on the internet… sometimes it is in person… but no matter what information they seek out…. or YOU SEEK OUT… you have to understand… you have to take the information and process it and make it work for you…

If you blindly accept everything that is said to you as the truth you are going to be very hurt…. Maybe physically, emotionally, financially, however you feel hurt… you will be hurt… you have to access the information you are given and apply to you and your situation in a manner that feels right for you….

And I am a frequent forum poster, chat participant, and yes a blogger about sexually social adventures… and I am telling you to take time to really investigate what you hear or read and figure out what applies to you….

Here is the thing… I tell you this because that is what I do… in my life every damn day….

I do not do what people tell me to do as they tell me to do it….

I cannot even follow a recipe when cooking exactly as they say… I hate onions… I won’t add onions to a recipe… and heavens forbid I make that recipe again… I will change it up even more… add something extra… take something out… and let me tell you what I do when I get an idea in my head about something to make and there isn’t a recipe and I make it up as I go along…. 

Yep, that purple statement illustrates just how I am in real life…. I cannot follow a recipe because I have to tailor it to me and mine….

Imagine how I am in the great big world of sexuality… MINE…..MY SEXUALITY…. I am going to take what you give me and make it fit me… doesn’t mean I am going to change your way of doing things altogether… but I am gonna make what you do and what I do to now what WE ARE DOING…

But I can’t do that if I do not know how to make this adventure mine….

Below is a picture – hubby is holding the apron… our weekend friend – my lover – saw it and said this is SOPHIA… had to take a pic of that… because….well… they thought it was true…. I don’t know if I agree… but… yeah maybe a little…. because when it comes to MY SEXUALLY SOCIAL ADVENTURE…. let’s assume I’m right (about my sexually social adventure) and move on.

I write in the forums and on this blog about MY EXPERIENCES…. MY THOUGHTS…. MY, MY, MY…. and while it sound like I am an ego maniac… I am not…. I am sharing what it about me… not what is about you… but I hope you see yourself in something I write…

I want you to take what I write and say and think about it… think…”Hmmm, she mentioned something that I agree with… but that other thing… not so much… but then again… she brought up another point that really hit home….”

That is the point of all this… to open up discussion… between me and you and between you and your spouse, partner… lovers… whomever…

I get all kinds of comments and most are not on this blog… I get emails, main chat comments and private chat comments.. on the two sites I am on SLS and Kasidie (on a few others but never do anything with them) all the time about how they like my blog posts or my forum posts because I present information to them but do not preach to them… do not belittle them… do not make them feel stupid for wondering about something…

I received comments that others are looking forward to exploring this or that… that it opened a new window of thought, exploration, or a new experience with them and their partners….

It opened them up to the person hiding within…

When I was told that last comment… I was fucking floored…. I was humbled… I was happy… I was thrilled… but I was HUMBLED…. I have an impact on people and while my ego loved it… I also realized just how much that scared me…

Some people have called me pretentious….  some called me a bitch… some did some amazing passive-aggressive attacking… but this one thing remains true… I have an impact on others – good or bad – because I am willing to talk about what most consider a dirty little secret…

I talk about having sex on a sex site… I am not ashamed about the fact that I love to fuck strange… whether it is someone I have taken months to get to know or just a few minutes before I began kissing him and him sliding his cock in me… I love sex with strangers….

I love sex with my husband… but I also love to have sex with strangers… or new friends I have made that until we actually meet are strangers and I have sex with them and my hubby knows I am having sex because he is also having sex….

Fuck… I love to have sex with strangers… and I am not afraid to let other swingers, sexually social adventurers, lifestylers, or whatever you call yourself know… I love it… A lot…

So no matter how much I think my adventure is RIGHT, PERFECT, AWESOME… it doesn’t mean that I haven’t changed the path of this adventure a few times.. it doesn’t mean I haven’t had to rethink what I thought was true for me and head towards a different perspective…

This is what life is all about… finding what works for you by trying, learning, living… oh yes… living…

There are a few misconception out there and I am gonna talk about them over the course of a few days… to see if we can set the record straight or at least as straight as possible in this manner… to discuss how we can move along for one person’s opinion as the RULE but also to look towards the widely accepted rules in its broadest sense that welcomes others who have to move along towards doing this sexually social adventure their way….

However, no matter how much you make this adventure your own… you have to remember.. YOUR RULES DO NOT TRUMP ANOTHER PERSONS….. you have to learn how to play nicely with others and that means learning the art of compromise…. otherwise you aren’t really on a sexually social adventure… you are on a solo trip to disappointmentville…..

Topics include….

My rules trump your rules
Preferences versus absolutes
How judgmental Swingers are
Fear of exposure
Due diligence
High Mileage vs Low Mileage
Listing all your rules in your profile
Picture choices
Hall passes – do they really have them?
Full/Soft Swap
Erectile Dysfunction
HWP – Height Weight Proportional
Single Males/Females
Pillow Princess
Everybody who is a swinger swings…..
Safe Sex
Marriages and Swinging
Labels in Swingerville
Hot with Not is always a Hot Wife Not Hubby
BI whatever you are or not
BI Play in Threesomes
Shyness a good thing to admit to in Swingerville
Not every woman is Submissive
Not every couple likes BDSM
Reluctant partners
When one partner has no game (in bed)
Laughing and/or having fun while having sex
FWB does it really ever happen?
Once and done

Please let me know if there are other topics you want me to discuss…. or if you have some things to add to this discussion… what you have experienced… either from viewing it or having it happen to you….

Let’s make this interactive as only swingers can do…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Meeting New Folks

Sexually social adventures are all about meeting new people… each person you meet for the first time is new to you….even if you have only a handful of people you play with, you still meet more new people at events you attend and you have to get over the fear of meeting new people…. or you will spend too much time hanging out by yourself and feeling bad about your experience. You begin to think that no one likes you, the groups are snobby, and the events are no fun….. Well, some of that is true, but in other cases…. well, some of it is brought on by ourselves….

Yep, we are masters of our own destinies… and sometimes we manipulate ourselves into having a bad time… we get a thought in our minds that this is how it is and when in fact it isn’t how it is but how we made it to be….. and yes, that means we fucked it up and it wasn’t someone else fucking it up….

I know… how harsh…. but then again reality is harsh… it isn’t filled with rainbows and pixie dust…. and sometimes we have to accept that fact and it does make it better all around… knowing the following will help you in your adventure….

  • Not everyone will like you
  • Some people will use you
  • Not everyone wants to be your friend
  • Sometimes you will be rejected 
  • Sometimes others will not like you, use you, not be your friend, and reject you and it isn’t about YOU at all… it is about their ‘stuff’ going on in their lives… in fact they may not even realize that opinion about you… you will likely remember it more than they will…..
Bet you are wondering how that is supposed to help you…. well, if you accept the truth you can make adjustments to how you do things to be successful…. and isn’t that the point of all of this…. to be successful…. appropriate changes to what is going wrong will help up do what works…. and that can be classified as SCORE!!!! And yes, that may also mean another fun type of scoring!!!!
So what can you do to have a great time when meeting others…. Here is my list… it is not all inclusive (others can have different items on their list I have never thought of……) and it is subject to change at anytime…..
  • DO NOT BE NERVOUS…..when you are nervous you act differently…. you may close yourself off, have a grumpy look to your face, have a tense or angry stance, and that is a sign of DO NOT APPROACH
  • DO NOT BE NERVOUS…. often other people are just as nervous as you are…if you wallow in nervousness you will miss the opportunity to greet others and make friends….. 
  • DO NOT BE NERVOUS….. can you tell this is the most important thing… take a few deep breaths and remember…. all you are doing is meeting other people… they will like you or they won’t. You already know the result…. have fun with everything in between… 
  • USE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEEK RATHER THAN BE FOUND… this is a concept that many fail to see as critical…. look for people you want to meet and get to know… greet them in the manner you would love to be greeted….. 
  • DO NOT WAIT TO BE SEEN….go out and be seen… do not stand in the corner… go to the drink station and make small talk with others… go to the buffet or snack table and make small talk… go up to a table and ask a question of those sitting there… let them know you are new and just trying to figure things out….. 
  • CONSIDER AN ACTIVE ROLE RATHER THAN PASSIVE…. do not sit and wait for others to seek you out….. go dance…. go flirt…. go talk…. GO, GO, GO!
There are many other things that could be mentioned in the list… but you get the point… be approachable and if you are still not being approached….go approach others…..
It works for me… I used to be more introverted… but if I want to have fun I have to go find the fun…. It is my responsibility to take control of my adventure as it is yours…. I sure hope you take control of it and have some fun…. as you know that is the purpose of the sexually social adventure… is to have fun…..
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…..
Sophia

First Impressions – Online versus In Person

Marketing… that is what most people think of when they look at online profiles… marketing… people are marketing themselves as being the best, most attractive, and the most interesting of sexually social adventurers…. they want to attract a certain type and not attract that which they do not want… No one wants to reject or be rejected… so they market… often they market to make those who will not meet their qualifications ‘self-reject’ to avoid the nasty task to do so themselves. Yep, they would rather have people reject themselves than have to reject them….

Personally, I find that the most ridiculous thought process ever…. so narrow is their thought process, so stringent is their profile, and so rigid their impression they send to others that it is nearly impossible for anyone to really want to get to know them… then they say that they are really laid-back, easy-going, fun-loving…. really????? I mean seriously you think this first impression is going to encourage warm fuzzy feelings among those who may find your pictures hot?

How many people are going to actually pursue the flow of negativity and potential for rejection listed in your profile? You may argue at this point that you still have people checking out your profile, so that isn’t true…. but consider this… how many look at your profile compared to those who make contact?

That is the key… your first impression online affects your ability to meet in person…. No matter how many times you state you are selective…. well, I get that you are selective… I am too… My profile doesn’t give a list of do’s and don’ts…. I chose to tell a story and encourage others to contact us… and see if there is a connection… I know enough about me and my husband that I don’t need to list what we like or don’t like on my profile to be able to say yes or no to someone approaching us… sometimes it is not necessary to let them all know what your general preferences are… bald versus long hair versus short hair as much as knowing what they are and acting on them… you never know if you will hit it off just because they meet the hair requirements… so why limit yourself on your profile when you could be ‘laid-back’, ‘open-minded’, and ‘easy-going’ instead…..

I mean I love to run my fingers though a guys hair while having sex… but as much as I love that… I have had some great sex with bald guys….. and if I put that preference in my profile as an absolute… well, I would have missed out on that experience and friendship.

Then there are those who, for whatever reason sound laid-back, easy-going, and fun in their profile and are stiff, uptight, and down-right annoying in person… We have met some of those people and are often surprised at how often we meet those people… I am not talking about them having to fuck everything in sight… not at all… I am talking about those who appear to be the perfect swinger only to find out they are not anywhere close to it… They are go with the flow in their profile and pre-meet communication and then they are telling you how you match up to everything they want…. or in many cases do not match up….

Here are some examples of what we have heard…. from some people we have met on dates, parties, and clubs….. some towards us and some in general…. and believe me this is not an exhaustive list… in fact, it is rather small compared to the many examples others have given us..

You need to put your hair up in a pony tail if we have sex
You need to be shaved, are you already shaved or do you need to shave?
You can’t drink more than one drink of alcohol if we are to play
You cannot eat onions, garlic, beans, cabbage, more than half your plate of food, and yes the list goes on….
You can’t have rings on your thumbs or toes or more than two rings per hand….
You cannot wear flip-flops

Let’s assume that they didn’t tell you all these requirements before hand…. and you are sitting in the chair at dinner – with your hair you spend a good hour fixing in a down style and have no pony tail holder, you aren’t completely shaved, but nicely trimmed with a landing strip and you have no razor with you, you had one drink before they arrived because they were quite a bit late and you were a few minutes early and just started your second drink when they arrived, and you don’t eat onions as a rule and you know better than to eat beans before a date and the little bit of cabbage in the spring roll or the garlic in your meal is the same amount as the garlic in theirs, and you have your mother’s ring on your thumb and a cute little toe ring that represents your children, and you are wearing flip-flops, but they are very fashionable with gems and a bit of a heel….. WTF are you supposed to do…. ask them what to wear before you meet??????? Do they not want to meet you or just want a barbie doll to dress up????????

So that easy going person suddenly has become a control freak… they aren’t interested in meeting and playing with the person you are… no, they want you to be a totally different person…. I mean, you are going to tell me how to wear my hair???? You are going to tell me how many rings and where those rings can be….. and you think this is going to pass without me questioning your mental health state…..

There have been some comments made on the forums I participate on that make me go back and forth between chuckling and getting a bit irritated…. even if they come back and recant their staunch stance, the damage is done… you already came out as a person that many find fault with….

Our pictures show us as we are…. some of the pictures are older but we constantly add new ones to the mix so I don’t mind that some are older… the most obvious difference is my hair length and color….and yes, someone we met actually got upset that my pictures did not reflect my hair color accurately… I laughed when I told him the day after I took that picture I had my hair colored to one shade lighter…. however the pictures I took with the new color showed just as dark with the camera as the previous… he really was upset…. WTF was all I could think…..

You have to wonder why people think that they have the right to tell others how to live their lives to the degree that they have some say on rings on your hand, hair style, and how much you can drink…. or what you can eat… Yes, we all get the onion and garlic breath sucks and some of the other items can cause intestinal problems… but you know what… instead of telling someone they can’t do something…. you actually have two other choices….
1. Accept them as they are – a laid-back, easy-going, open-minded person would actually do that very thing….
2. Decide to either play another time or pass until such a time as you become a laid-back, easy-going, open-minded person enough to accept people as they are….

First impressions are critical… but when you are online or in person making those judgments of others first impressions… you really need to see what your first impression is to others….

I tell you what… there is no better compliment to my ears and my heart than being told “You are just like you appear online.”

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia