Category Archives: misconception

Passion, Desire, and Expectations….. Where Do They Fit In?

I have written a number of times that I am not a checklist type person when it comes to sex….

I have written a number of times that I am not a person who expects everything that we talk about in chat, emails, texts, or calls to happen when we are in person….

Hell, I can say that I rarely expect what we talk about in chat, emails, texts, or calls to happen in person…

I see the preliminary communication as a boundary seeking activity… to see what the person is into, what they are not into, but not what they have to do in the order they have to do it….

I see the pre-meet communication as a way to build interest, build passion, build desire… so that the person has an opportunity to start their ‘meet’ or ‘play time’ at some level besides remotely interested…. somewhat attracted to… and possibly excited but too nervous to know…

I love sex. I am not ashamed to say that I love sex. I love to fuck. I love to suck. I love to fuck strange and I love to fuck people I have become friends with…

I love to communicate with people and turn them on… I love to talk with them and find out what they like to do… I love to communicate with others… male and female… but you know what…

I am not a person who will run a person ragged to the point that their self-esteem is affected negatively….

I am not a person who will let a person feel bad about their performance…

I enjoy the person I am with or I wouldn’t be with them…

So, why am I writing this topic today….

I think there is a disconnect in many people when you discuss passion, desire, and expectations…

I think many do not understand what passion and desire is compared to expectations….

Let’s start simple… the definition of passion….

Passion (from the Latin verb patere meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, compelling enthusiasm or desire for anything.
The term is also often applied to a friendly or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.
And now desire….. 
Desire is a sense of longing or hoping for a person, object, or outcome. The same sense is expressed by emotions such as “craving” or “hankering“. When a person desires something or someone, their sense of longing is excited by the enjoyment or the thought of the item or person, and they want to take actions to obtain their goal. The motivational aspect of desire has long been noted by philosophers; Thomas Hobbes (1588–1679) asserted that human desire is the fundamental motivation of all human action.
And finally expectations…..
In the case of uncertaintyexpectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected, it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

I honestly believe most people want to feel another person’s passion for them – as defined above. I honestly believe most people want to feel another person’s desire for them – as defined above…. However, no one really wants to admit they have expectations of the encounters… they want to have certain things done or said and when that doesn’t happen… they find themselves sad, scared, or upset that their expectations didn’t happen… and largely the expectations were not even shared with another person… 
Throughout my posts here on my blog, I have talked about how I am not a person who has expectations when heading out on a sexually social adventure… in fact, I make every attempt I can to erase any and all expectations from my mind… other than this one… 
I expect the person to be like how they present themselves to me… 
If they present themselves as something they are not… and I find that out – that they lied to me…. like telling me that they want to full swap with me… and they lie about the fact that they have chronic ED and cannot get hard no matter what is tried… and they knew this going in… then I have a problem… 
However, if a person says in pre-meet communication that they want to do this or that sexual position, activity or what have you and we do not get around to it because we are doing something else… that is not a broken expectation to me… 
Or if the person has invested his/her energy to the activity that we are engaged in and wore his/her ass out… that is not a broken expectation… 
Why? Because I do not go into a sexually social adventure with a fucking checklist… or a time frame or any other expectations… 
Some of the greatest sexual experiences I had, I could not have scripted them in an erotica story because there was a combination of passion, desire, and organic sex happening…. 
What is organic sex? To me, and this is my definition alone…. is when you meet a person without expectations… but with great passion and desire and you let whatever the fuck happens – happen… 
Those are the best experiences of my life… 
If you are coming into this with expectations or fears that you won’t be meeting someone’s expectations… you need to stop that shit right away… I mean NOW!
You are going to make the time awkward for everyone… it is not going to be any good for you or any of the other people in the equation…. 
And here is something you have to understand…. 
By keeping your fears of not meeting expectations right there with you and in the forefront of everything you do…. you almost guarantee that the whole encounter won’t live up to anyone’s… you are setting the stage….
If I was to ever meet one of you reading any or all of my blog… and you told me you were afraid you would not meet my expectations… I would ask you to read the whole damn thing again… 
Pay attention to where I tell EVERYONE… I do not like to have expectations going in… I want to get to know the person I have gotten to know via electronic means.. because I want to get to know you… I want to have sex with you as you want to have sex with me… if you are hooked on what you think my expectations are… then you haven’t given me a chance yet… 
Because in holding me up to that level of ‘you not meeting my expectations’…. you have already placed your expectations on me…. that I am some way that I am not…. 
I would ask that you consider wiping the expectations out of your mind… truly wipe them away and enjoy the experience that will happen once you do… you will see that no one will be disappointed… 

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. (without expectations) 
Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. "Breaking a Girlfriend or Boyfriend Into the Lifestyle"

I am not sure just how stupid people have to be to think that breaking a girlfriend or boyfriend into the lifestyle by forcing a situation is a good idea…. I mean seriously…..

On chat a conversation started about breaking a girlfriend into the lifestyle by having her do a gang bang…. OMG… are you serious?

The next brilliant idea is to have her start with girl/girl play…but she isn’t bi…… HELLO…. IS ANYONE IN THERE?

So many problems with that statement that I am not sure I can complete a coherent thought… I mean this is so wrong for so many reasons… and I will be honest… it is not just the chat conversation… people have posted this idea/question on forums and in conversations…. and I have to wonder why????

It is not a birthday surprise party… it is a person’s sexuality… not a party hat… it is a person’s sexuality… not a ‘for he/she’s a jolly good fellow’… this is something that many hold dear… and yes sweeties everywhere.. it is something that even if you have sex with strangers or friends with benefits it is still something they hold dear because they are in control of their sexuality…..

First let’s discuss why it is a bad idea to break someone into the lifestyle, then we will discuss the ideas shared….. and why they are so very bad….

It is a bad idea to break anyone into the lifestyle…. because it is bad if you are ‘forcing’ someone to enter the lifestyle… if you have to force someone, convince someone, or otherwise manipulate someone into joining the lifestyle….. STOP… I mean…. please stop thinking this is a good idea… it is not a good idea for your partner and it is not good for those you play with….

Consider this….

Your spouse is not sure they want to swing. He/She is not sure of having sex with others, in front of others, or of the preferences of their bisexuality….then let them figure out without pushing them to make a decision….

In a purely selfish reason… being on the other side of someone who does not really want to play or play bi… It SUCKS and not in the fun sexual way…. you know they don’t want to be there.. their heart is not in it… they are reluctant to participate in their normal way… and you know what.. there is a huge difference in the MARKETING the excited party told about the reluctant party’s sexuality and what we are seeing…. the wild animal in bed was not so much…. or at all….

Then there is the issue of ‘getting the women to start things off’ when the reluctant party is female… and isn’t sure they are interested in playing bi… they are not sure they want to do more than kiss… but the idea that this is what will make everyone horny as hell causes this idea to be used all the time… As a bi woman who has listened to this same complaint from other women who are fully bi – and let me tell you what fully bi means…TO ME (and a few others who call themselves fully BI) you give and receive fully with another woman…. which means in the most basic definition that the other woman you are having bisexual play time with you does the same… you suck her tit, she sucks yours… you give her oral sex and she gives you oral sex…. none of that… I will receive but not give shit…. pillow princess… close my eyes and I won’t know if a male or female is doing it to me and then it won’t be so bad….

And yes folks, that type of thing happens a lot… why?

Because the number of woman who claim they are bisexual is to high for most people to believe… and when you are actually in the trenches… you find out that the numbers of really bisexual women is rather low… their partner may have forced them in a variety of ways to explore their bi side as a way to enter into the lifestyle… when in fact these women really want to fuck other men… and only men… and it is pretty obvious by how they behave towards the other women…

So, yeah, it really sucks when you are in a position of having sex whether homosexual or heterosexual sex with a partner that is reluctant to play…. and just lays there… or acts jealous… or insecure… or whatever else comes up/out when they behave this way…

There is a better way of dealing with this whole issue of entering in the lifestyle…. it is mind-boggling for some….

Talk about it…. talk to them… find out first DO THEY WANT TO DO THIS?

Then ask them… what in this do they want to do?

How fast… how slow…. how often… with men or women… are they bisexual? do they want to play bisexual? do they want to try out bisexual?

Be excited, but keep that excitement in check… do not let your excitement push them faster than they want to or need to go to….

And do everyone a favor and not use certain ‘wild’ things as an introduction to the whole thing.. like going to a BDSM dungeon first off before you even know that the only thing they want to do is a blindfold…. don’t suggest a gang bang for someone thinking a MFM might be fun later on…

Let them set the pace… let them set the tone… give their suggestions about what is on their agenda for this adventure…

Be supportive by being in the background in this process… do not let your needs and desires over shadow theirs…. if you want this adventure to be successful for both of you… and for those partners you have along the way… do this right… don’t be greedy and ruin it….

Go slow… let them catch up with you instead of you pushing them….

Success in the lifestyle is like everything else… it is defined differently for everyone, but it does happen if you are open and honest and there is no pressure applied…. and everyone has a chance to grow in the lifestyle at their own pace…. it is a fun time for all… and isn’t that what we all want?

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Listing All Your Rules in Your Profile

Before I get to far into this post… let me remind you that I firmly believe your adventure your way…. I do believe this with all my heart and it is because we do this our way… we have made this adventure our own…. we do things how it feels best for us…. and I believe it is and should be the same for you…. your way….

However…. I am asking you to consider… to possibly see the point I am going to make on this post as valid and not contradictory from my statement that its your adventure your way…..

My point…. “It is not always the best course of attracting others to have sex with by listing all your rules in your profile.”

Now.. let me explain….I am not saying you can’t have rules… I am not saying you should not communicate your rules in your profile or tell others about your rules… I am soooo not saying that…. what I am saying… my point is…. it is not always the best course of action to LIST them in your profile…..

Here is what I mean….. I will give you two examples… the first one is the listing of the rules and the second is an alternative to listing rules….. and hey… just so you know… I have seen each of these things I list in the examples in REAL profiles… no lie…. And some of these are like WOW!

Example 1

We are a couple who is secure in our marriage, have a great sex life, and bring no drama.

  • you must be shaved, this means your genital area 
  • and if you are a guy, your back and neck hair, 
  • women must have their arm pits shaved as well as all their pubic hair, even those hairs by your ass. 
  • men must have their ass shaved – we do not play with your ass at all, but it must be shaved because it is just gross,  
  • you have to be clean and smell nice, 
  • you cannot wear too much cologne or perfume
  • you must have your teeth, 
  • you cannot have more than two missing teeth
  • and none of them missing can be in the front of your mouth, 
  • you cannot drink more than 2 drinks in one hour during dinner or drinks
  • we will not play with drunks
  • you cannot smoke while with us
  • if you smoke before meeting us, make sure the last cigarette is more than two hours earlier, you used mouthwash, washed your hands, and changed your clothes
  • you must use condoms (okay that isn’t a bad rule but wait there is more)… but you can only use the following brands, sizes, colors, and textures – you have to purchase them for us to use
  • only the following lubes can be used…..
  • you have to be willing to do 45-60 minutes of oral sex before intercourse
  • we only stay in 4 star hotels as rated by AAA and you must make the reservations… 
  • we will only pay half the cost if the room meets our standards 
  • Single men must pay for the hotel room 
  • you must text both of us at least 5 times before we will agree to meet
  • we must have a skype session to ensure each of us is what we say we are
  • you cannot have gained more than 5 pounds from the time we ‘see’ you and when we actually meet
  • if you change your appearance – hair color, length, add a beard or remove facial hair you must tell us before we meet
  • you must fit our description of HWP (okay, the problem with this one is two fold…. first… they never give their description of HWP…. second… they both were very obese…. )
  • we have to have 3 dates before any play happens
  • you cannot text the opposite sex but phone calls to the opposite sex is allowed (hell, I can have more phone sex talking to a person on the phone and it is much better than trying to stop and text using my left hand because my right hand is busy)…. 
  • sex is only SAME BED/SAME ROOM (the caps was because it was caps in the profile)
  • DO NOT TRY to come between us
  • no nicknames are allowed – that means no sweetie, honey, babe, and so on
There are so many more examples I could post… we have run across so many of them…. some just make me ask WTF and really no drama?
So much for just accepting folks as they are huh?
Here is a profile that mentions they have rules but does it in a way that makes you want to meet them…. 
Example 2 
We try very hard to present ourselves as we are and would love to have you do the same… please look like your pictures and understand that if you do not look like your pictures we will not continue our date let alone play…. Just because we meet does not mean we will play… we reserve the right to say no at any time and for any reason. We know what we are attracted to and often it is a combination of every thing about a person and we don’t always know if we are gonna really connect until we meet…… 
Do you see how they mention they have ‘criteria’ but do not go on and on about it? It is possible to have your rules in place but not tell others… but still have the right to say no at any time…. 
I bet you are wondering why this is a topic to discuss….. well, here is the reason… which person would you like to meet… the example 1 or example 2? 
I feel it is important for people to let others know what they want… but does it have to be in the profile as a list? 
I am going under the assumption that you and I will communicate before meeting. And we may even communicate before agreeing to meet…. WOW what a thought! During that pre-meet communication we can determine if we are compatible….if our preferences match… if we like what we see on the pictures… if the words shared reach us in a way that is positive…. that if there is any chemistry to be built….. I would rather know what is their current thoughts rather than what is posted in their 2 year old profile, never updated…..
But the real issue…. is how likely are you going to find quality people to play with if you come across as undesirable, picky, demonstrating a double standard (hey you want your playmates to be fit but you are not fit or have teeth but you don’t…. it happens)….. or just rude in how you word it…. 
You should know what you find attractive but do you have to put it out there… in a list to alienate those who read your profile… 
I find it a turn off when people list all the do’s and don’ts because your profile is mostly about what I have to be or do and little about you… the overwhelming message I get is you are picky… not easy going… you are judgmental… not open minded… you are selling yourself and the product isn’t looking so pleasing… 
Now the argument is that less is more… you should say less to get them to communicate to you more… this is a good thing… leaving something for them to ask about… something not already mentioned a million times before… it is a good thing… 
But what if you don’t care to learn about them…. well then less is more in that case as well… just tell them… “hey we love to fuck anything that comes our way… no rules… no preferences.. you have a cock or pussy or both… come join us.”
Same principle… less is more… help you attract those you want to attract and repel those who don’t play like you… 
Can you attract people with a highly unique profile? Yes…. you can… on one site we are on… we average more than 7500 profile views a day…. and we get a handful of emails talking about how cool our profile is… we have people starting conversations with us because of our profile… it sets them up high on our radar…. 
So, I am going to go out on a limb here and ask you to think about the image you are presenting…. do you want to make yourself  more attractive to others without any cosmetic changes or weight loss? consider looking at your profile and see if someone else would find it interesting, entertaining, or worthy of real consideration… if not… do something about it… It may make a huge difference in your adventure…. 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Managing Misconceptions… High Mileage vs Low Mileage…..

There is something about swinging/sexually social adventures/lifestyle that confuses me… the whole idea of high mileage and low mileage…..

This has been debated a number of times on some forums… and the discussion gets rather heated at times… and often over something I just don’t get…

How can you be upset if you are considered high mileage or low mileage if no one can define what makes one high or low mileage?

That is a really interesting question if you think about it…. and here is why…. if no one can clarify high or low mileage… as in a number… how can you be guilty of being high mileage or low mileage?

And let’s not forget that swinging/sexually social/lifestylers are here overwhelmingly to have sex with other people… so if you have sex with one couple and have sex with both of them you are already at two in our mileage? Yes, we know that some people do not actually swing even though they identify as swingers… and they identify as sexually social and they identify as lifestylers… but they have no intention of having sex with others… full or soft swap… their adventure… their rules…and while that makes no sense to many…. how do you classify them? Low Mileage? or No Mileage?

Yep… they could be in either of those groups… because we haven’t defined if low mileage is meeting people (other sexually social folks) or actually having intercourse with them…. hmm… another interesting point… do those who soft swap only have the same mileage categories? Another interesting question one must ask and hopefully find an answer for now.

Are there special badges we receive when we claim our status as Low Mileage or High Mileage? I found some examples of badge options…. but how do we claim our status without some guidelines… in a very tongue and cheek manner… let’s talk about this whole mileage in real numbers…
to make the badge numbers found below… 200,000 and counting…. you would have to have sex with almost 14 people a day, every single day for 40 years….  so we are going to just go with the numbers are referring to actual miles driven and not people fucked…


  So lets say we take a fraction of those…. say 200 – you have sex with 200 over the course of your swinger/sexually social/lifestyle adventure…. and your adventure lasts 5 years… you would have played with 40 people each of those 5 years… does that make you high mileage? Well, that starts this conversation somewhere doesn’t it… 40 people you have sex with in a year may make you a high mileage person…. but that only is the case if you can’t actually grasp having sex with that many people…. someone who has sex with 60 people a year may think it is a rather moderate number or even low…. it is just one of those things that depends on a person’s perspective combined with their experience and opportunity…

But here is the thing you really have to understand…. when someone is afraid of having sex with others…. and believe me… there are swingers/sexually social/lifestylers that are afraid to have sex because they may get a disease, they may fall too deeply for their partner or their partner would fall for them, or their marriage cannot withstand it, or any number of reasons…. or they want to be best friends and exclusive with their partners…. but here is the thing… none of reasons can be guaranteed just because someone is having sex with just one person or couple? No… high mileage and low mileage do not come with guarantees of anything… you can get herpes from the ONLY couple you have every played with or you can go through hundreds of couples and NEVER get herpes…. mileage does not guarantee anything…. so many believe their will have better sex if they have fewer partners and that is false as well…. it highly depends on the couples you are partnering up with…. not how many couples you partner up with….

I asked on chat “how do you define high mileage?” Oddly enough, no one could define it… however all the chat participants that responded had no problem being identified as high mileage. They are in this adventure to have sex. To them, it means that they have been doing what they want to do… have sex with others….

On person stated he doesn’t like the term high mileage because for many it means SLUT. He doesn’t like the word slut either… he believes it suggests something negative when it just means ‘recognizing one’s indifferences to external judgment.”

Well said…..

So does it matter if you have high mileage, low mileage, or no mileage? Yes it does… but only in this way… it only matters if your goal in swinging is to have sex with others and you are using the mileage terms as a way to gauge your progress in your adventure….  but one must ask yourself why? Just go out and have the adventure you want… don’t worry about labels, titles, benchmarks… make a fuckit list and have fun…. leave the worry about judging others or being judged to someone else… because let’s be honest…. if you are having fun on your adventure you will be too busy pay attention to what others are saying…. and that is a good thing….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…..

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Due Diligence….

Swingers/sexually social/lifestylers are by nature a group of people hiding what they like to do… have sex with strangers…

We go to great lengths to avoid telling anyone anything that can identify ourselves in vanilla land… we purposely mislead others by avoiding the industry we work in and where our actual location is where we live and all kinds of other fun things… we purposely try to keep our private lives private while showing our cocks, pussies, breasts, and even pictures of us fucking…

It is an interesting predicament we are in… we want to meet others but refuse to share details…we want to fuck others… but we don’t want to become to close… we want to share sex but avoid intimate details like our last name, hometown, or other distinguishing factors about us that make us… us.

But heaven help us all if we are wanting to have a threesome MFM with a man who declares himself SINGLE….

We are suddenly expected to do our DUE DILIGENCE and then some… we are suddenly expected to ask all kinds of questions of the single male and then go even farther… we are expected to demand from them what we do not volunteer ourselves….

You might think I am joking… or exaggerating… but I am not…

We are and by we I mean hubby and I but mostly me… are single male friendly…. I enjoy the thrill of a MFM… I love DP and you know what… it really does work better with two cocks…. so I love to search for the perfect Single Male for a threesome…. But you know what… you just can’t go put out a call through emails or hot dates or rendezvous to single males and plan a threesome… it takes a lot of work…

First you have to weed out those who are too gross or creepy that respond to your MFM shout out… and there are a number of them that are gross and creepy and I am not talking just looks… but yeah, that does have some to do with it…but there are some that just give you the creeps when they communicate with you or you read their profile….

After you eliminate the gross and creepy… you eliminate those with a couple profile that state – “no longer a couple, male plays alone”.  Well, if you are no longer a couple… take down the female’s pictures and stats… that is just awkward, odd, and stupid…. if you are not a couple… contact the administration and become a single man….

Yes, we all know that you are doing a bait and switch type thing… you do not want to be blocked from so many couples who block single males… but damn it all… that is just wrong…

So, then you have to eliminate the single but posted as couples from the equation and you know what? This sounds like a great deal of due diligence already…. but alas… there is more…

Now you have to start reading profiles and search for those clue words that they may not be as single as they claim…. you know the key words like ‘can only play during the day’, ‘can only play during the week’, ‘can only play during the day, during the week, on certain days, at certain times, and I have to be home in time for dinner.’  Okay that last one was a bit of creativity by me… never been told they have to be home for dinner… but the time frames they give you makes you “KNOW” that is what they meant….

So you skip those too… because you know that means they are married men with a flexible work schedule and they will fit you in during the work day as long as their wife doesn’t find out….

Now I bet you are thinking…. what if they work nights? Well, how about this… if they work nights and they can only play during the day…. well, think about this… if you worked nights… and could only play during the day… wouldn’t you say that in your profile…..

“I work the night shift which makes it difficult to play at night with others… my availability is usually during the day except for my every other weekend off.”

Easy peasy there… but I don’t think that many ‘cheaters’ think about that…. they are only thinking about cheating and getting some when they can get some and covering their asses while trying to get some….

Then we have the ones that cannot plan any meeting times… nothing set in stone… it is usually done around the families schedule… as in if the Mrs is off running errands or heading to her mom’s house then he can schedule a meet… and then if the Mrs’s schedule changes any… well.. then he has to postpone the meet time until such a time as the Mrs finally gets her ass in the car and go….

Yes, those scenarios play out often… and when they do… you just got your confirmation he is a cheater not a single man playing as a single man….

Do you see just how much due diligence you go through before you actually find a single man to meet…. it is enough to wear you out… and this is a problem because those single men who are actually single men are at a loss as to what to do to be able to meet a couple to play with…. so much shit going on with the posers…

What do you do about those Single Men who are actually married and get to play without their wives and with their blessing and approval?

This is where it gets a bit dicey… the whole due diligence thing is really complicated here… and sometimes people do not like the answers others give….

But remember… swingers/sexually social/lifestylers are by nature more secretive about their personal lives… we often accept what people tell us as fact until otherwise shown… that they may be a liar won’t come out right away… when with a single female or couple… but we expect a different standard for single men… we expect them to share with us all the details including the voice verification of their wife that they can go on and fuck you…. We do not demand this from others… well, to be fair some do… but those are few and far between….

I have been lied to by a number of folks during our sexually social adventure… and the majority of them are couples… female and male almost equally have lied to me…. about all kinds of things… while I believe that most people will tell the truth more often than not… I do know that is not the reality… many people lie for a number of reasons….

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt… but that does not mean that I will suddenly believe them to tell me the truth all the time…. so I tend to look for inconsistencies, key words, behaviors, and other tells that maybe they are not telling the truth….

Our first MFM was with a married but plays as single… he told us honestly his marital status… told us about his wife… talked about her with great respect and otherwise made a great impression with us… he lived in Alabama we live in NC…. he was coming to our area for a race he was in… we did not ask for voice verification from his wife that he is able to play with us… He talked to us openly about a club him and the Mrs had just gone to that was one we had gone too… he spoke of her entering this adventure a bit more slowly than he… I did not see a need to verify with his wife that he could play…. some believed I was wrong in not demanding the verification of his wife’s approval…. Here is why I did not… if this man was going to travel several states to come see us… and he had his heart set on meeting us… who is to say that he wasn’t going to have a FEMALE friend play his wife…. I am going to trust him enough to have sex with him but had to go and dig deep into his life to verify what he says is true… But I do not do this for the couples I meet…. a double standard… a statement of I believe you are lying before I even meet you….

I took a lot of flack for that… but I would counter those who got upset… that I did not talk to the wife first…. “You didn’t speak to either of us on the phone before meeting us or having sex with us?” “How did you know that I was the female talking to you and that hubby wasn’t going to come here by himself?”

Some of those couples had stories of where a man did show up by himself stating some excuse why the wife couldn’t come….

Some mentioned that they had other examples of blatant lying was done…..

So my question then was… how much due diligence must one do? For everyone? And does it guarantee they are telling the truth when you do voice verification?

One couple told a story of their method of verifying who they are going to meet… They skype with them… they get to see the couple/person on cam and talk with them…. then they told the follow up story that one time they cammed with a couple that ended up not being a true couple. They were both cheating on their spouses… they cammed together but then it came out that they were married to others and play/cheat together….

Well, according to their story, they had done their due diligence and were still lied to….

All we can do is do the most we feel comfortable with….do our own due diligence… if you are not willing to open yourself up to 20 deep and personal questions asked by another person… then you should not subject others to that treatment…

If you have a number of ‘steps’ to catch someone in a lie about their singledom and weed out the cheaters as best you can… well that is all you can do… if they slip past you… it may not be because you didn’t do a voice verification (someone else can always play wife) or even a cam verification as someone else can always play wife…. it may be because they perfected their lie….

Due diligence is not always easy…. it is not always foolproof… and sometimes no matter how well you do… it isn’t enough….

Hopefully this eases some of your guilt if you are not doing a full background check, DMV and property searches, and getting five or more family references as to their martial state…..

The bottom line is… if someone is set to lie to you and everyone else they want to lie to… well….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Swingers Are So Open Minded There Is No Room For Judgment

Swinging… how open minded of an activity… I mean… hell we are married and having sex with others and with our partner’s permission, approval, and well… they are on the bed next to us…. we have their blessing… we are so damn open minded it is pathetic…. But are we? 

As a general thought… yes damn it we are very open minded… but in that general thought we are also very, very judgmental… 
On one site we are on… early on in our time there… I listed myself as bicurious…. I was asked if I had a bisexual experience… I had… I liked it… I was then told that I was no longer bicurious but bisexual and I NEEDED TO CHANGE MY PREFERENCE TO BISEXUAL. (I put it in all caps because they were screaming it at me…..on the forums…. and in an email… 
Seriously… what difference does it make if I leave myself as curious instead of Bi? They lived hundreds and thousands of miles away and well damn it all… I wouldn’t play with you even if you lived in my back yard…. so what did it matter to them what I chose…. 
I was told that I was advertising falsely to those who are interested in having sex with me… I responded that I use bicurious because I do not want it assumed that I will play with every single woman who lists themselves as bi something… in our area… a number of profiles states that women have to start off the play and I didn’t want that… So I thought I had the option to determine for myself what I want to play, how I want to play, and with whom I want to play…. and if putting bi curious led potential playmates to ask if I was really curious instead of assuming I wanted to fuck the Mrs… it was a good thing… 
According to them… I was wrong… I had no authority over my own decisions on how to label myself or my play… someone else wrote the rules and without telling me ahead of time what those rules were… they told me how I failed those rules…. 
I left myself up as bicurious for a year just to prove a point…. oddly enough, it didn’t affect the number of folks that wanted to start with girl/girl play to contact us…. guess they weren’t judgmental either… or they just didn’t care what my status was…. you know how people are… their rules trump my rules and all that…. 
Speaking of BI…. nothing demonstrates judgmental attitudes like discussing bisexuality… specifically when the issue of men and BI whatever is their preference… I am not sure how many times a man needs to put STRAIGHT, straight, Str8t, or other ways of saying…. I prefer to have sex with women only…. in their profile to indicate they are straight… I am thinking the one spot on their profile where everyone lists their preferences is enough… but nope… they need to let everyone know over and over again that they do not want to be considered bi in any way shape or form…. I guess it is both a fear of being judged and in a sense… judging those who are not straight, STRAIGHT, Str8t, or only has sex with women – but I am not a homophobe but please do not think of me as bi….
They are all kinds of open minded and easy going until of course the topic of cocks being too damn close to another cock comes up…. they say they don’t mind a cock being close to theirs… but start up a DP and they will have so many issues keeping themselves hard when a cock comes too close or heaven forbid…. touches their cock in the process of getting itself into the close quarters with another man… yes sir-e-bob… that proves just how hard it is for the guy to get over the idea that someone may think they are bi… even if the purpose of the activity is to bring pleasure to a woman…. So not judging here… but damn… after you see this stuff happen over and over in person or on the forums or chat or wherever… you have to wonder… ‘thou doth protest to much’ may be appropriate here…. which leads you to question… are they trying to protest the bi thing.. homophobe thing… or just are not comfortable in their whole sexuality… if they are not comfortable with any of those things… it may be time for a talk…. and I will explain that a bit later…. 
And here is the thing…. I do not find a bi man to be gross… disgusting… ill… demented… or otherwise icky… hell, if the truth were to come out… I find a man who explores his ‘bi side’ as sexy, hot, and otherwise a turn on…. why? because he is exploring what he may like, may want, finds interesting, hot, and so on… and then he has the same fun opportunities as women to explore – fully explore this side of him…. and if he explored and likes and proclaims it from the rooftops… OMG… very sexy… but you know most will not proclaim that because well….. men are judged harshly for even hinting at bisexuality… 
What scares men from exploring their bi-side…. Does that mean he is going to leave his wife for a man? Who knows… I am not gonna speak for a man I don’t know any more than I will speak for a woman I don’t know… I know I enjoy bisexual fun but I have no desire to leave my husband for a woman…. (largely because I know what emotional messes we can be and I do not know if I want to deal with that…. LOL)… but am I going to ignore the fun I can have with a woman while swinging…. just because someone may not like me to be BI? Hell no…. I don’t expect men to do that either… but others do not share that some line of thought… which I must say is very sad… very sad indeed….
I am sure you are wondering if push came to shove and my hubby wanted to explore his ‘bi-side’ (and a side note… how many men cringed at hearing the term ‘bi-side’….. I am sure many as it is not something people want to think of… having a bi side or exploring it if they are male….) but anywhoo…. if hubby wanted to explore his bi side… I would do all that I could to make that happen… why… because one… I am not judgmental on the issue of male bisexuality… two… I find bisexual porn and gay porn very hot and gets me off very quickly… very hard… and very satisfying to me…. three…I love my husband and if this is what he wants to pursue… I will assist him in pursuing it…. 
What are other topics besides bi sexuality that causes the judgmental flags to rise up? The place of single males and females in the lifestyle…. Oh, that can get ugly…. some do not want either sex that is single in the LS and some just hate single men in the lifestyle…. and then there is the issue of whether or not the single man is actually single or playing being hind his wife’s back… and many just go straight to judging single men as cheaters and skip over the finding out first before we judge….. 
Well full swap and soft swap seem to make a big impression for many when they want to show their ugly side…. some seem to think if you are full swapping you are somehow less than sensitive, less sensual… in fact… a number of soft swappers have stated that full swappers only fuck… no kissing, no oral, no fully realizing the fun of soft swapping…. then the response full swappers have is that they have those things and fucking the person… it isn’t an either or… you don’t have to soft swap or full swap… you can do both… how amazing is that…. yet some full swappers believe soft swappers have insecurity issues and jealousy that they haven’t gotten over and they think they are somehow better than full swappers because they have more self control…..  but that argument continues on and on because people have decided to judge others and not just make their decision on their own and leave others alone…. and while there may be some truth in each of their arguments… there  is not enough truth to make this the only answer or application of this topic on each of the categories…. so the judging continues… 
And that is the most interesting point one can make on the why swingers are so judgmental…. we (general sense – all people swingers or non-swingers… it is human nature) cannot leave others alone…. we want them to have what we have… and that means the good and the bad… yes… if we are having an awesome or sucky swinging experience… we want others to have a great or less than wonderful one as well… we don’t want them to have a better time than we are…. but at the same time we want them to have fun with their experience… we all suffer from this weird battle within ourselves that we want what we can’t have and strive to have what others have… we want them to have what we have… but not a better experience… not really… we see this as a young child as a part of normal development… but the hope is that at some point and time… we grow up…. and become less self-centered and more open to other people’s happiness despite what we want for ourselves…. however… a number of people do not learn this skill… skipped over this developmental milestone and make others miserable in the meantime. It is hard to believe, but it is true. 
Many of us try to overcome this issue and find ourselves truly happy for others who achieve something we have not or cannot or choose not to try to have…. for whatever reason… we try to see that there is good in the world even if it is not in our hands/lap…. we truly find pleasure in seeing others happy and meeting their goals… we like to see others have what we do and do not have/do. 
Those that have not mastered this simple personality/character trait/skill find themselves angry, resentful, easily upset and JUDGMENTAL….. they cannot accept others are going to be different than they are… want different things… achieve different things… enjoy different things… 
And a person who is as much as humanly possible non-judgmental towards others in the lifestyle seems to have more fun… is more respected… is more appreciated… is more liked…. 
Why? Because they practice what they preach…. they do not get pleasure from a passive-aggressive attacks on another person. They do not seek to hurt another person with their words or actions…. They do not need to attack to make their position known… they do not need to judge others to feel better about themselves… they do not need to prove their worth based on someone else’s…. 
A few times I have seen people make comments on chat or on the forums only to delete them, argue they were misunderstood, or otherwise act as if everyone else is wrong for their words/actions… and it has caused them to go down in other’s esteem… now, maybe that doesn’t matter to many people out there… but when you are trying to gain the attention of a person for the purpose of having sex… how likely is it that being an asshole will garner you the results you were hoping for? 
There has been a long time saying that it takes 10 positive comments to negate 1 negative comment. That is something to remember I guess if you want to fuck and be fucked….. one judgmental comment about someone else’s choice in their sexually social adventure can cock or pussy block you for a long time to come…. is that really something you want?
I bet you are asking just what are you supposed to do when you come across something that doesn’t make sense to you? It really isn’t hard….
Maybe you can ask a few questions about them and their ‘preferences’…. to find out more about it… have them expand on the topic… to find out just where they came to this preference or opinion… or maybe they can explain more to you about their point of view so you can see if there is just a bit of a communication issue between you two…. maybe they are not good with words… or you simply did not see what they meant…. but let them know you are trying to understand rather than judge…. you are trying to expand your thought process rather than judge theirs…. 
Yes, in this process…. you can share your point of view… your perspective… but share it as a way of them understanding what you do or believe or where you are coming from… not beating them over the head with your opinion or your way of doing things…. if you don’t get what they are saying… you can tell them that… but in a respectful manner… 
If they do not get your opinion after you finished sharing it with them… then let it go…. they may not be as open minded as you….. (again… not a judgment… just a statement….)
And if you still do not see eye to eye…. simply tell them they are not a match…. nothing more really needs to be said… You do not have to have them see things your way each time…. or at all… you do not have to convince them your way is the right way nor do you have to be convinced their way is right… 
You can in fact… just accept they have a different way of doing things… 
And keep your comments to yourself…. 
I know… in a world where we all have opinions and so many ways to share those opinions… sometimes we don’t need to share those opinions if those opinions make it seem like you are forcing your opinion on others… 
On chat… we spend a lot of time answering questions that newbies have… those who do not want to judge or force their opinions on others start off or finish by saying… this is what we do… you have to find your own way on your adventure…. when this happens… more often than not… the newbies open themselves up to see other opinions or other ways of doing things… and uses the advice and experiences of the more experienced swingers as they see fit in their own way for their own adventure…. and isn’t that a better way of sharing your experiences….
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure… 
Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Preferences Versus Absolutes

This topic goes along beautifully with My Rules Trump Your Rules…. to be honest… not sure if this topic should have been first or second as it is… My gut feeling was second because once you get the idea that and I am really hoping you get the idea that…. your rules should not trump my rules…. but co-exist for the mutual pleasure of us all…. that you will begin to ask yourself…. what are my preferences as compared to absolutes…..

For this topic, I am going to use some incredible real-life examples… and believe me I have a ton of them… WHY? Because everyone seems to have the idea that preferences are set in stone and cannot be altered in any way… That is so wrong I don’t even know where to start but I am game to try it out… how about you? Are you willing to keep an easy going open mind… break that first misconception and really try to be easy going to new ideas….

Hey let’s start things out by talking about preferences and absolutes.. as in let’s define the two words to get a  base of what each means and how wrong you may be in using the word preference when you mean absolute…

Preference defined as :a feeling of liking or wanting one person or thing more than another person or thing…..:an advantage that is given to some people or things and not to others….. :something that is liked or wanted more than another thing…. :something that is preferred…..

For example…. I have a preference or like men with hair more than bald men… I love to run my fingers through men’s hair while having sex….  but a preference is just that… something I like or want more than the opposite… but that does not mean I won’t meet with or have sex with a bald man…. no… I just cannot run my fingers through their hair while having sex… I may just have to run my hands over their back… or grab their ass…. just saying….  (just using this as a general example…. I know it is just as sensitive to men as cock sizes… but had to use something….)

I could say in my profile…. I love running my fingers through a man’s hair while he is going down on me or while we are kissing or while he is fucking me slow and sensual or hard and fast… pulling it a bit…. (see what I did there… I mentioned something I love to do while having sex without making it sound like a checklist that you have to complete before we can have sex….. like having hair….

Absolute defined as not qualified or diminished in any way; total…. synonyms: complete, total, utter, out-and-out, outright, entire, perfect, pure, decided….. 2. viewed or existing independently and not in relation to other things; not relative or comparative. Universal, fixed, independent, nonrelative, non-variable, absolutist.

Now using the bald and with hair example… let’s say I just cannot stand bald men… like I have a bad experience as a child… nightmares after watching Telly Savalas as Kojak as a child….and I cannot possibly think of having sex with a bald man…. well… then that would be an absolute…..

Remember this is just an example…. (do not right anything on your profile… because if you see their pictures and the man is bald… then pass them up…. do not write that you refuse to have sex with a bald man…. just pass them up… you know you won’t have sex with them… do you really have to explain that…..just say not a match or ignore their email…. either way is less cruel than writing NO BALD MEN).

If we want to be very honest here… preference and absolute mean two different things and very much understandable in its simplest form…. a preference is something you would like… an absolute is something you HAVE TO HAVE…..

So why do people use preferences as absolutes? Mostly because they do not pay attention to the difference…. they do not give a damn that they are coming across as stupid. Yep, I said it… they are coming across as stupid…. Heaven help me… but I may have lost a great deal of my popularity… I have dared to call those who use a word or two improperly as stupid….

I risk that because I don’t really care… my preference is not to be around people who are stupid for the sake of being stubborn and stupid…. you know the ones who have no desire to learn… who are not teachable… that refuse to admit there are other ways of doing, being, appearing….. they crack me up because they are also the ones who complain that life ain’t going their way….

Hmmm, gotta wonder about the cause and effect there…. you don’t learn anything… act stupid and life doesn’t go your way…..

Bet you are asking what does this have to do with swinging/sexually social/lifestyle things? Good question and glad you asked….

When you are writing your profile… you may have thought it was a good thing to list every single thing you want, don’t want, like, don’t like and so on…

I disagree… when you look at a typical profile you will read much the same things as everyone else’s profile….

Fit, attractive, HWP, DDF, 420 friendly, nice, friendly, fun, easy going, loves sex, has a great marriage, secure, non-judgmental, jealousy free, drama free, looking for FWB, love to have great friends in the LS in and out of the bedroom, not looking for notches on our bed post, we are not once and done, great sex with hubby/wife and just doing this to add spice to their marriage, excellent oral skills, she’s beautiful, he’s handsome…. you get the picture… there isn’t much variety in these folks… they are just like everyone else… I swear there was a BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL (old KMart reference there) on profiles when most wrote theirs…..

I mean seriously… how many people will write… We are fat and ugly, jealous and insecure to the max… we thrive on drama and are looking forward to becoming diseased by this activity. Our marriage is on the rocks… he has ED and she defined pillow princess, he sucks at oral and not in a good way and she won’t go down on a man or woman no matter what…. we are selfish in all aspects of our life and hope to dominate the entire play time by making it all about us… we know you are interested because we are just like you…. surely we can have some fun pretending to be swingers and having fun at this and we will let you believe we want to be long term friends but hey, get a clue, this is once and done land. 

I am sure that would upset you if you read that in the profile…. or maybe not… maybe you like a challenge and this is just the challenge for you…. not a damn thing wrong if you are like that…. but just be warned…. you may not like the results….

A number of profiles talk about all the things you have to do to be ‘friend-worthy’. I laugh at this because…. well, who the hell makes ‘friends’ jump through hoops like this.. I mean you are either friends or not by something undefined… not by whether you shave all your pubic hair… whether you drink only one drink per hour… no more than two in one dinner, do not eat cabbage, beans, Mexican in general, or onions and garlic….You cannot sing Karaoke more than once a week, and only on the weekends, you must have hotel discounts, be willing to travel, and sit down at a three-hour dinner to hash out all the details you hashed out in your profile already…. then you need to have sparkling personality, great intellect, wit, humor, if a man – you cannot be balding… completely bald is okay, just not balding,  unless of course you cannot be bald at all because your preference is no bald…the woman cannot wear thumb rings, toe rings, cannot change hair color without permission, and if you grow your hair longer or cut it shorter… without prior approval the date is off… you have to wear what the other person tells you to wear or else the date is off even if you have to go out and purchase such items at great expense… you must disclose your breast and cock size… pictures are not allowed… but you must have 15 pictures of both male and female… each picture showing the particular body parts including face and ass and a full figure picture…. you cannot be too fat, too skinny, too boney, to muscular…. you cannot have gained more than 5 pounds since your last picture, you cannot be ill, you cannot have your period, you cannot have a sick child, you must be able to drop everything for our date and then be understanding when it is cancelled at the last minute. You must not do or say anything that determines you have an opinion, and by all means do not show your personality if it is not previously approved… especially if you laugh too much, too loud, or show too much teeth… unless of course you do not have teeth… then that is a deal breaker unless of course you are going to give a blow job… then you can give the blow job without teeth and then we part…. you have to have sex with my wife first… she will determine if we can have sex… she will determine if we can eat before we play and what we can drink while playing… that includes water…. she is highly jealous and I cannot touch you but she can touch your husband and you. But we are looking forward to playing with you…. and hope to hell your husband doesn’t think he is worthy of fucking my wife… cuz he ain’t… but we won’t tell you that until you ask us to play… then we will embarrass us all….

You may be laughing at my creativity on that last paragraph… oddly enough… those are all things I have seen in profiles, on the forums, in chat, and in person… some were told to us as stories they encountered and some to us as their ‘preferences’

Here is what our profile says….. I wrote this on purpose… I love this profile… I think this profile says a lot about us and should make a person want to get to know us more… better… and play with us… and based on what our experiences are… it seems to be working very well…..

 With her creative juices flowing she penned a story just to please her husband. She wrote of an erotic scene of six people, three girls and three guys meeting and finding a sexual chemistry that led them to adventures they had never considered before. She shared the story with him, opening herself up to the inner desires she had. The question was, would he like it, would he understand what she was asking without coming right out and asking. He read the story and she knew it was a good one even without seeing his cock responding under the covers as they sat in bed. He whispered “wow” a few times, his breathing became quicker and she knew her writing had some type of effect. Would it be what she wanted? 
He looked over at her and smiled. “Wow, this is hot!” He looked at her for a moment or two then started searching for something on the internet. He found some videos of swingers and played a few. Then he asked, “Is this something you would want to do?” She took a deep breath and then whispered “yes, very much”.

The adventure started that day with both of them looking to find out how to go about jumping in and finding this piece of their lives together. Questions were asked, comments made, and all along the way, there was a sense of this is what they were supposed to do…..
It is hard to share in words even for someone who can write a sentence or two how the first experience felt for her. She loved and was completely turned on seeing her husband with another woman. So turned on was she that with only one or two slight movements on her clit she was cumming hard. The thrill of what they were doing took over her mind and body leaving her wanting more.

As their adventures continued their idea of what they wanted, would love to do, and need to do again grew and changed. Some of the things they felt were off the table suddenly became the top item on the things we have to do again. Some adventures were hugely successful and some were not as much, but it doesn’t change the thrill of partaking on the sexually social adventure together. 

Along the way many people have come and gone, sometimes sadly, sometimes happily, and sometimes without much fanfare at all. The friends that have developed has done so naturally, organically, and well perfectly. Each person has a need and as friends we find these friends give as well as receive filling each other’s needs. 

There is no need for writing what we like and what we don’t as it changes so regularly as we find the person who shares for a brief moment in time our interests, desire, and yes, sadly limited availability.  We are what we say we are and enjoy finding out if that is true for you as well. 

We didn’t spend time listing a bunch of preferences…. Why not? Well… because since we began our adventure they have changed…. over and over…. what we wanted in the very beginning is not what we want now… or it is in addition to what we want now….

I love a guy with hair that I can run my fingers through…. but I have had some great sex with bald men…. if my preferences were listed as an absolute… as most list preferences as absolutes… and I wrote NO BALD MEN… then I would have missed out on a few incredible times… meeting incredible people… having a great time…. and why… because I would list a preference as an absolute and cause others to self-reject based on my posting of a rejection of bald men from even ‘applying’.

Doesn’t that seem silly….. YES IT DOES…

Consider the HWP (height weight proportional) comment…. we want HWP… You must be HWP…. Well unless you can tell each and every person here what that means exactly…. and based on the different sizes and shapes of women and men… it is very difficult to determine just how the definition fits…. and one’s personal opinion about their bodies can alter that definition… and then you see just how that person looks and you think they look good and they question their HWP and then nothing happens and you missed out on someone you wanted to meet and/or have sex…..

I really think people need to start talking about what they are like rather than the checklist of how people will match up to their list of wants/don’t wants….

Our profile does just that… it tells the reader about what we are like…. I wrote a story about group sex for my husband… he looks up swinger porn and we full swap a week later… what the hell does that tell you about us….. a lot more than if it just listed all the shit about what you have to be like…. and a lot better…. we are swingers who like to swing… and who swing… and love to meet people… doesn’t mean we fuck everything that breathes… but if you have a way of making us like you… you are ahead of the game… and isn’t that what we all want… to get ahead in this game… to find folks we enjoy and want to fuck….

So, I bet you are asking what about what you find attractive or desire in another person…. how are they to know what you want…. if you don’t list it….

Here is a thought…. if someone sends you an email and starts to ask about you… starts to tell you about them… and you find their words interesting enough to receive a reply and you then look at their pictures and say “well damn, that man/woman is hot…. I am interested” and you start talking about meeting at some point and time… and then you meet and you find out that they are interesting and you want to fuck them and you find out your fucking is similar…. and you realize that you didn’t need to post each and every preference you had… that you could keep those things in your mind and select on a case-by-case basis and not by a limited category of self-determined preferences and those brave enough to test the waters…. and you found that this works so much better… and you are meeting a wider group of individuals… expanding your sexual horizons… and not everyone is looking like your husband/wife… and it is okay if they have a larger/smaller cock/breast/pussy size… and they can be taller or shorter, with hair or without…. and so on….

Then you realized that preferences are things you desire but are not absolutes and you don’t need the list on the profile to make the good times happen….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia

Managing Misconceptions….. My Rules Trump Your Rules

Gotta love this misconception….. My rules trump your rules…. This is where the problems usually start with swingers… when you look at someone’s profile, email them, or talk to them (heaven help us all if it even goes that far)…. and your rules are the only rules that need to be addressed…. because we all know that compromise is not a factor in the LIFESTYLE….

Seriously… we all know that compromise is a deal killer…. Kinda goes with the whole misconception of easy going swingers and all… it just doesn’t happen as much as most people believe….

My/Our rules are simple… we both have to agree…. Oh, by the way… that is our – Sophia and Hubby’s one rule….. believe me we don’t always agree in anything else we do… but we sure do agree on that… and if one of us makes an exception and agrees to it and then later regrets its… it is the person who agreed/resents it’s fault…. He agrees to something he doesn’t want and then regrets it… he cannot blame me and vice versa… that is the basis of that rule and well… we hold that true to each other….

So how does that work in the whole my rules trump your rules? Well, easy peasy… we take responsibility for our own actions and if we agree to something we really don’t want to do and it turns out less than what we want… it is our own fault…. A very assertive approach to life in my opinion…

When we read a profile and they put in their profile “Girl-Girl play must happen until I say the men can come into play with us” it sends off many warning signs….

First of all… I am not into checklist sex… this is what I call sex that is scripted or otherwise dictated by a list of what you must do in order for sex to happen… checklist sex is boring… unimaginative… always leads to disappointment… and really gotta ask here… how fun is non-spontaneous or forced order of completion sex????? Not much fun in my book… even if you were to attempt to live out a fantasy… even if that fantasy was rather specific such as a stranger pick up in a bar… a rape fantasy… a school girl/teacher fantasy… wouldn’t you want something in that fantasy to be…. I DON’T KNOW… a SURPRISE…. something that catches you off guard… something that excites you because you do not know that it is happening….

Second issue with the profile example above I have… is the part where she says “I say the men can come into play”. Why does she have all the say? Do I not have some say as to what will happen, when it will happen, or if it will happen? Guess not according to this profile description….

Third issue…. what happens if I am not interested in the female as much as I am with the man? Do I really have to have sex with her as a gateway to her man? Yes, that is a huge turn off right there….

Fourth Issue…. What if she is a pillow princess? OMG… how annoying would that be? Very much BTW…. very much….

Fifth Issue…..what if what she likes in girl play is to receive and not give…. I mean how many times have women claimed to be bi and then are not actually fully bi… they are bi curious meaning “Do me and I won’t do you!”

So my answer for this… When I see those words or hear that spoken to me I run far from them… not literally… but I will avoid them in any type of communication if they want to meet me…. I am not interested in couples that have to have girl play or a woman who controls ever aspect of their play time….

I find it less satisfying for all parties… the husband, my husband, and well me…..

Her rules may be important to her… and hell her husband may find this to be a turn on for him as well… but not for me… and not for my hubby…

Early on, one week into our adventure we changed to the one rule… we both have to agree…. I don’t have to ask hubby if he has changed his mind on this because… well he hasn’t… kinda like that line in Dirty Dancing when it was exclaimed no one puts baby in the corner… I have no desire to have my husband sit on the sidelines until ‘allowed’ if at all to play …

Sounds like a bit of bait and switch and well, not interested in that at all….

When someone else’s rules trump your play rules you really only have a few choices…
1. Blindly follow those rules and hope for the best… (I put that down as a choice but really hope you are not stupid enough to choose this one… I mean for pete’s sake… it is your adventure… live it up a little)
2. Ask them if their rule is set in stone. (Unless this is a fantasy of yours as well, not the best choice to make)
3. Look for someone whose profile indicates they are open to seeing what will happen without a script, checklist, or otherwise controlling the entire play time… (THIS IS THE CHOICE TO PICK)

Your rules are important. Don’t get me wrong… I am not saying that you are to ignore your rules… if you are a NO ANAL AT ALL type of couple… do not hook up with someone with the profile name of ANALLOVERSWITHYOU… more than likely someone is going to walk away butt hurt (pun intended)….

If their profile states… “We love anal so much we do it twice a day and want to do it with you!” it may be an indication that you are gonna get it up the ass unless you avoid them like the plague…

If you are interested in guy/girl play only and would tolerate a little kissing MAYBE or a touch of the breast by the other woman ONCE… then choosing to play with the hot couple with the name SHE’SFUCKINGBIFURIOUS may not work out for you… because she is likely to want to devour you in her bi furiousness….

Their rules should not trump yours and yours should not trump theirs… this is where the art of compromise comes about… when you consider what you can tolerate in the bending of your rules and what they can provide you if they are willing to bend theirs a little….

For the example of girl/girl play to start things off… you are interested in possibly playing with them.. but you are not interested in starting off with girl/girl play… and you ask them… “How likely are you to allow us to start guy/girl  and then say maybe have a bit of girl/girl play somewhere in the middle?”

If their answer is HELL NO…. then you know they won’t bend… why should you?

Consider why they won’t bend….

  • there is jealousy involved – she doesn’t really want the other woman having sex with her man or he doesn’t want his woman to have sex with another man
    • yes, this happens a lot…. you would not believe how often this does happen
  • he cannot get it up… he has ED and instead of telling anyone about it… they found a different approach to LS sex… 
    • yes, this happens a lot… you would not believe how often this does happen
  • she is more BI than not… she has no desire to have sex with your husband… 
    • yes, this happens a lot.. you would not believe how often this does happen
There is, usually a reason for each rule a person has… the reason may be based out of fear, insecurity, jealousy, past bad experience, avoidance of a real issue, trying to avoid a bad situation from occurring… 
Now, each of those reasons are valid to the person who has them… but they may not make sense. To the normal individual, it may not make sense… and you don’t have to try to make it make sense… you simply have to decide if you can live with the reason behind the person’s rules… 
If the rule is there because of jealousy or insecurity… run far and fast away from that person.. it isn’t going to be good if you stay around… we have done both… run far and fast and gave them the benefit of the doubt… 
I don’t remember the names of the profiles that we ran far and fast from… but I sure the hell remember those who I didn’t but then suffered because I didn’t…. 
We learn as we move along this adventure… as long as we are willing to learn…. 
Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…. 
Sophia

Managing Misconceptions…. Part One

For many exploring their sexuality…  they will seek out information…. and sometimes it is on the internet… sometimes it is in person… but no matter what information they seek out…. or YOU SEEK OUT… you have to understand… you have to take the information and process it and make it work for you…

If you blindly accept everything that is said to you as the truth you are going to be very hurt…. Maybe physically, emotionally, financially, however you feel hurt… you will be hurt… you have to access the information you are given and apply to you and your situation in a manner that feels right for you….

And I am a frequent forum poster, chat participant, and yes a blogger about sexually social adventures… and I am telling you to take time to really investigate what you hear or read and figure out what applies to you….

Here is the thing… I tell you this because that is what I do… in my life every damn day….

I do not do what people tell me to do as they tell me to do it….

I cannot even follow a recipe when cooking exactly as they say… I hate onions… I won’t add onions to a recipe… and heavens forbid I make that recipe again… I will change it up even more… add something extra… take something out… and let me tell you what I do when I get an idea in my head about something to make and there isn’t a recipe and I make it up as I go along…. 

Yep, that purple statement illustrates just how I am in real life…. I cannot follow a recipe because I have to tailor it to me and mine….

Imagine how I am in the great big world of sexuality… MINE…..MY SEXUALITY…. I am going to take what you give me and make it fit me… doesn’t mean I am going to change your way of doing things altogether… but I am gonna make what you do and what I do to now what WE ARE DOING…

But I can’t do that if I do not know how to make this adventure mine….

Below is a picture – hubby is holding the apron… our weekend friend – my lover – saw it and said this is SOPHIA… had to take a pic of that… because….well… they thought it was true…. I don’t know if I agree… but… yeah maybe a little…. because when it comes to MY SEXUALLY SOCIAL ADVENTURE…. let’s assume I’m right (about my sexually social adventure) and move on.

I write in the forums and on this blog about MY EXPERIENCES…. MY THOUGHTS…. MY, MY, MY…. and while it sound like I am an ego maniac… I am not…. I am sharing what it about me… not what is about you… but I hope you see yourself in something I write…

I want you to take what I write and say and think about it… think…”Hmmm, she mentioned something that I agree with… but that other thing… not so much… but then again… she brought up another point that really hit home….”

That is the point of all this… to open up discussion… between me and you and between you and your spouse, partner… lovers… whomever…

I get all kinds of comments and most are not on this blog… I get emails, main chat comments and private chat comments.. on the two sites I am on SLS and Kasidie (on a few others but never do anything with them) all the time about how they like my blog posts or my forum posts because I present information to them but do not preach to them… do not belittle them… do not make them feel stupid for wondering about something…

I received comments that others are looking forward to exploring this or that… that it opened a new window of thought, exploration, or a new experience with them and their partners….

It opened them up to the person hiding within…

When I was told that last comment… I was fucking floored…. I was humbled… I was happy… I was thrilled… but I was HUMBLED…. I have an impact on people and while my ego loved it… I also realized just how much that scared me…

Some people have called me pretentious….  some called me a bitch… some did some amazing passive-aggressive attacking… but this one thing remains true… I have an impact on others – good or bad – because I am willing to talk about what most consider a dirty little secret…

I talk about having sex on a sex site… I am not ashamed about the fact that I love to fuck strange… whether it is someone I have taken months to get to know or just a few minutes before I began kissing him and him sliding his cock in me… I love sex with strangers….

I love sex with my husband… but I also love to have sex with strangers… or new friends I have made that until we actually meet are strangers and I have sex with them and my hubby knows I am having sex because he is also having sex….

Fuck… I love to have sex with strangers… and I am not afraid to let other swingers, sexually social adventurers, lifestylers, or whatever you call yourself know… I love it… A lot…

So no matter how much I think my adventure is RIGHT, PERFECT, AWESOME… it doesn’t mean that I haven’t changed the path of this adventure a few times.. it doesn’t mean I haven’t had to rethink what I thought was true for me and head towards a different perspective…

This is what life is all about… finding what works for you by trying, learning, living… oh yes… living…

There are a few misconception out there and I am gonna talk about them over the course of a few days… to see if we can set the record straight or at least as straight as possible in this manner… to discuss how we can move along for one person’s opinion as the RULE but also to look towards the widely accepted rules in its broadest sense that welcomes others who have to move along towards doing this sexually social adventure their way….

However, no matter how much you make this adventure your own… you have to remember.. YOUR RULES DO NOT TRUMP ANOTHER PERSONS….. you have to learn how to play nicely with others and that means learning the art of compromise…. otherwise you aren’t really on a sexually social adventure… you are on a solo trip to disappointmentville…..

Topics include….

My rules trump your rules
Preferences versus absolutes
How judgmental Swingers are
Fear of exposure
Due diligence
High Mileage vs Low Mileage
Listing all your rules in your profile
Picture choices
Hall passes – do they really have them?
Full/Soft Swap
Erectile Dysfunction
HWP – Height Weight Proportional
Single Males/Females
Pillow Princess
Everybody who is a swinger swings…..
Safe Sex
Marriages and Swinging
Labels in Swingerville
Hot with Not is always a Hot Wife Not Hubby
BI whatever you are or not
BI Play in Threesomes
Shyness a good thing to admit to in Swingerville
Not every woman is Submissive
Not every couple likes BDSM
Reluctant partners
When one partner has no game (in bed)
Laughing and/or having fun while having sex
FWB does it really ever happen?
Once and done

Please let me know if there are other topics you want me to discuss…. or if you have some things to add to this discussion… what you have experienced… either from viewing it or having it happen to you….

Let’s make this interactive as only swingers can do…

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure….

Sophia