Category Archives: swinger sex

Looks, Personality, Both or Neither?

On the forums on Kasidie… I have participated in a thread about body shaming. It is not the only thread that talks about the looks of a couple… or one part of a couple. This post is not going to be a pretty post… it is not going to be all happy hearts and shimmering rainbows… I am a Midwesterner at heart… I will talk kinda plain and to the point. On purpose. Not to hurt anyone… but to make the point kinda clear… no sugar coating… if you are offended… then take off your rose colored glasses and really look at the people on the swinger profiles…

We see in the advertisements on all the swinger sites all this young, hot, sexy people attending events, on beaches, and so on and so forth. These pictures set the stage in many people’s mind that all swingers are of a certain level of hotness.

It is not fucking true.

Even if you live in a mecca of swingers… and most of them young… they are not all hot and sexy and beautiful.

The reality is… few are perfect – meaning having a perfect body and a beautiful face. Often it is one or the other… unless it is the models they use for their advertisements. The general run of the mill swinger is not perfect. They are not even close to being perfect.

People are flawed. I am sure if those models on the swinger sites were not airbrushed, photo-shopped, filtered, with makeup artists and what not… they would look less perfect.

What we see as enticements for the swinger sites are just that enticements… same for the resorts and cruises that are for swingers… they want you to buy into the belief that… all swingers are hot and sexy and perfect.

The reality is yes, swingers are hot… usually because of exertion during sex – often because they may not be in as good of shape as they should be… or because the temperature of the room is not so comfortable once the bodies start slamming together… or other reasons for hotness… but a person who is in the middle of having sex… is not really that hot looking other than looking hot…

Pictures that normal people take are of awkward angles… or they are posed so much that you know they are posed and it loses its realness but it may be a pretty shot… real sex happening when the person is fully engaged is not a sexy scene in porn or the pretty pictures placed up for others to admire when signing up for the resort, club, or party.

Most swingers are not sexy 24/7 like the pictures show us when trying to get us to enjoy whatever swinger thing they are selling us. People are awkward, nervous, flawed, and yet, sometimes sexy shows through…

My point in all this is to share with you the reality…

You are not as hot as you think you are.

I know for many this comes as a surprise… and believe me, I am in that same category… I am not as hot as I like to think I am all the time… there are times when I look pretty damn hot and then try to capture it in a picture and think WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED in the span of a few short seconds going from hot to not myself.

Yeah, that happens… to everyone, even those damn models I keep referring too. When has one photographer taken one picture of a model and stopped? Never. Photographers take multiple pictures, multiple lighting options, filters, backdrops, outfits… you get my drift… the model perfect folks didn’t just go and take one picture and that be all that was taken… yet, people buy into the belief that all swingers will be hot like them.

That last sentence is one that will get me into some trouble. People buy into the belief that all swingers will be hot like them.

Most people who swing aren’t really hot.

Skinny is not necessarily hot.

Overweight does not make you less hot.

An average face is not necessarily hot.

A cute face is not necessarily hot.

An ugly face is not necessarily not hot… (I know double negatives, but go with the flow here baby… you can do it…)

Hot is a subjective word. What I find attractive, hot and ugly varies from day to day and person to person. And this is in vanilla life… I can see someone with some scars and think, damn he/she is hot… not because of the scars or the lack of scars on someone else, but the manner in which they carry themselves…. But I am going ahead of myself here.

Hot is subjective.

Get three women together and parade 10 men in front of them. You will have three women who find each of those 10 men at a different level of hotness, attractiveness and unfortunately, even ugly.

Yes, people… sometimes people are ugly. They are just not attractive. DO NOT GET POLITICALLY CORRECT POLICE ON ME… We have to face the fact that some people are not considered attractive… and the opposite of attractive is… even if it is not a ‘nice’ or ‘acceptable’ word… the word is ugly.

Sometimes people are mean. Sometimes people are liars. Sometimes people are ugly. In order to understand that scale in which someone can fall on the scale of attractiveness… there has to be an absolutely beautiful and an absolutely ugly and the range in between.

I am sorry if this upsets any of you… but I was born in 1969 and lived through the 70s and 80s – where… kids played sports and someone one and someone lost… the reality of life is… you play a sport with someone else… you will either win, lose, or tie… and even the ties have rules to really determine who is the winner…

Just like… there are some people who are attractive, so-so, cute, handsome, unattractive, ugly, unnoticeable or unremarkable or unremembered… they look like any number of people because they just do not stand out…

I am not picking on anyone. I am not saying any particular people are ugly… I am saying ugly people do exist… as it is one person’s point of view.

And that is my next point… it is a person’s point of view. Their point of view. While it may be about you… it does not have to be your point of view.

So, in the sexually social world… there are people who believe this “People buy into the belief that all swingers will be hot like them” and they are not viewed as hot by others.

That is where the expectations of one does not meet the expectations of others… it is also at this time, you must be able to determine whether or not you are setting realistic expectations. Are you really as hot as you think?

I could, if I wanted to start a blog post on all my ‘flaws’. I have many of them. I am aware of them. I work on a good number of them. However, I do no and will not even to make a point in this post, list all my flaws.

Why?

Because I am aware of them. I know where I am pretty and where I am not so much. I am certain unless you are a sight challenged man or woman… you will be able to see my physical flaws. So, I have no reason to point those out to you. You can see them. I set my expectations realistically. I will not be every swinger’s dream physically. I get that. I accept that… I move on from that because my expectations are set appropriately. I do not get upset if someone does not find me physically appealing to their point of view.

Why?

Because it is their point of view. They are able to have their point of view. Will they miss out on my witty conversation, my flirting that makes them feel good about themselves, the awesome sex we could have? Who the fuck knows or cares? If they don’t find me attractive, I don’t care.

My self esteem and my self worth is not tied into being the hottest pussy in swingerville. Having constant adulation about my pictures, my posts, or what-have-you makes me feel good… but after a while… it get’s old after a while too… because you tie yourself up with competing with others to get more likes… and then your self-esteem and self-worth get’s wrapped up on someone’s whim of liking you for the day.

My looks – I have been lucky in the face department… I am cute and I look a lot younger than my real age… I know I am lucky… I am fucking lucky… but that is not and never has been a thing I focused on… I never went around thinking my whole life and self esteem is dependent on the youthfulness of my face. I have never used botox even when I worked for a DR who after the patients came in, offered the left overs to employees as a perk… I turned down the offers… She pointed out my forehead and my lines on my forehead… I have had those lines since I was a little girl… I also wear very long bangs… who the fuck sees them on any given day? I have laugh lines… the only time those laugh lines show is when…. I AM LAUGHING… They are a badge of honor for me… I want laugh lines that tell the world I am laughing a lot!

My self-esteem is not tied up into whether or not I have a flat stomach. Here is the thing. I don’t have a flat stomach. Even as a young teen and within the normal weight range, my stomach wasn’t flat. My father pointed that out all the time, suck in your gut… WHAT THE FUCK! I can suck it in all I want… it still won’t be flat… My self esteem is not tied into what my stomach looks like…

Let’s be honest… put a naked picture of me next to any of those swinger models and I will tell you right now, the model will be pretty to look at… my expectations are realistic… I know that in a picture contest she will win… Who cares? It doesn’t change who I am and what I find valuable about myself… You know what??? You won’t find me in a picture contest with a skinny girl… why would I put myself through that… Realistic expectations.

I have written before, that many swingers think they are a lot hotter than they really are. I can’t believe how many will sit there and go on about how they won’t take one for the team… and the person they are talking about is far better looking than their spouse… I want to say… “Shit girl, you have been taking one for the team since you started dating this guy.” But I don’t… I sit there and laugh and wait for the moment when she gets turned down because, well, she is not as hot as she thinks she is and her personality kinda sucks… arrogance is not sexy…

I have seen guys do the same thing… they think they are all that… and all they are is full of shit… they have an arrogance that comes out smelling like a pile of shit…

I have seen both males and females talk about hot with not… and well… one of the two of them is not as hot as they think they are and the other is not as hot as the one who thought he/she was hot… it really is a no-win situation.

When someone calls out a person for being a hot with not… how many times do you look very closely at them and their spouse and start figuring out who the hot with not is…

And how many times does their personality feed into their hotness?

I think those who are hot are hot not because of their looks alone… but because of how they care themselves… and how they carry themselves makes them hotter because they act as if they don’t realize or care if they are hot or not…

Well, I have decided this is part one… I have more to say on this…

Muah Sophia

 

If Swinging Is A State of Mind… Are You Ever Not A Swinger?

I believe that swinging is a state of mind. Whether you are non-monogamous or just like variety or love the sexually charged environment to the point where you are unable to stay away from… it is a state of mind or a part of you that is always present.

Let me explain this again… I crave variety of partners. I was married for 23 years, with my husband 24 years before we ever talked about swinging. However, it does not mean that I hadn’t lusted after or wanted to explore something with a coworker or think about a stranger I ran across… I admit that I have never done anything other than think and possibly flirt… but then again… I flirt with cashiers and other people all the time… a part of me… but there was always something about me that wanted to look at and want another person. I thought of fucking other men… I thought of playing with women… That was a state of my mind… something that took a great hold in my brain… hell, I even wrote stories about it… about wanting a MFM, FF, group sex… and all kinds of interesting things… I read books and got so turned on by the naughty fun written…

My body and my brain craves variety… and more importantly… it is a part of my life now…

I have stated many times, I have no idea if I could ever stop being a swinger. I may get to a point where I can’t have sex anymore with other swingers… for obvious reasons… when you get to a certain age and you look like your age… the demand for play is less by others… and it changes how it manifests itself… but I do not think I could ever get rid of my swinger state of mind. This means… I think I will always think about non-monogamy and the joys I received while swinging… the sex… the conversation… the variety… it all plays a part in this state of mind…

I have talked to people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s that are very much still enjoying the swinger state of mind. They enjoy going to parties and clubs… even though they know people won’t be interested in fucking them… the sexual vibe that they find there is what they crave. They may end up having sex with each other… but they all have stated that they can’t stop being a swinger even if they don’t technically swing…

That to me says it is a state of mind… it is a part of who they are… and whether they have sex with other swingers or they just like to have the environment around them… well, to them it is a state of mind.

Monogamy is a state of mind just as non-monogamy is a state of mind. It is something you choose or have chosen for you… Society has made monogamy the preferred state of being… not going to give you a bible lesson… but… it is there… we choose to follow society rules… whether marriage is good and multiple marriages are bad… unless of course… multiple marriages are excused and getting married young is good and getting married older is bad… unless waiting until later is better than getting married young…

Cheating is bad… unless you are a swinger, then you swinging with your spouse is worse than cheating on your spouse…

All because today society says… this is how you must be…

But how does that really impact how you think… how you feel you are inside… outside of the view of society?

That is what makes swinging a state of mind… the fact that society says you must be monogamous… and you can’t fight the desire for variety… that you can’t fight the need for having sex with others. That your wandering eye is not a sign of disrespect to your partner as much as it is a part of who you are… enjoying the ‘eye candy’. Flirting with others is as natural to you as breathing… and you don’t really see why flirting with other men or women is so wrong… going to a club or party and getting ‘high’ off the sexual vibes is a great deal of fun… almost addictive…

This is a state of mind… something that you crave… you want… you need… you explore… you… well, let’s just look at the definition of state of mind…

Attitude, perspective, outlook, approach, mood, disposition, frame of mind, mindset, way of looking at things

I laughed at some of the folks on the forums who stated it was not a state of mind. One response was something about how they never purchased an alcoholic beverage or rented a hotel room for a state of mind… and yet, people do every single day for a variety of things – sports, business, hobbies, and so on that they are very much involved in… even a life-long learner (student)…

I actually felt bad for this person… they missed the entire point of asking the question… it was to see if they can see how their mindset, attitude, perspective, outlook, approach, mood, disposition, frame of mind, mindset, way of looking at things… why would the go to an event or on a couple date with the intention of fucking someone if not for a state of mind that “their mindset, attitude, perspective, outlook, approach, mood, disposition, frame of mind, mindset, way of looking at things” was geared for non-monogamy.

But anyways… when you look at something like swinging or more importantly non-monogamy as that is the basic element of getting into swinging… if you felt this way for a long time or just since someone mentioned it to you for the first time… and you feel this is something that you could do and feel good doing it… and you recognize it is a part of your personality, life, and state of mind… could you ever stop having that state of mind?

While we are looking at this… let’s look at all those swingers we see that take ‘breaks’ from swinging and yet, keep coming back to swinging. Why?

Why do they come back to swinging after a break?

Some will even remove their profiles and then get a new profile. Why? Because they can’t really move away from swinging completely or long term.

You read a number of profiles that say one of them swung before and one never had and they are both now into it… because they can’t stay away from it…

Well, I am going to stop here… I have more to write… but I will let this settle for a while… and then I will continue it in the next post.

 

 

Interesting Conversations

I had an interesting conversation recently with a brand new to swinging male and his been swinging a while before they met girlfriend. I received their permission to use this post to share what the conversation we had. To make is easier to share this with you, I am using the John and Jane… as in John and Jane Doe… protect their privacy… which is funny… because their names are really John and Jane… just not the last name of Doe… I found out their names when I suggested using John and Jane… okay for us it was hilarious… maybe not so much in the conversion from happening to telling it to you….

John and Jane have been dating for 3 years. Jane was married previously and had swung with her husband. John has been married previously as well, but no swinging in his history. John did not know of Jane’s previous swinging experience when they started dating. In fact, he didn’t know about it until about 6 months ago and wasn’t sure what he thought about it when he found out. He was turned on and a bit worried. Jane says – a bit worried is a bit of a stretch… he was a lot worried. He thought it meant that I would cheat on him.

Jane writes: “I had to explain to him how we got into swinging in the first place. Our marriage was not exciting in the bedroom and we were both bored. I mentioned to my husband that we could do a threesome with another guy or another girl and then see how that would bring excitement. We put up a profile on a site and began to meet others and have swinger sex. To us, it was more exciting to have sex with other people than with each other, even with a threesome. When the marriage ended because we realized we just weren’t in love with each other and in fact not interested in each other sexually, I decided that I would not introduce my swinging past to anyone I date. I equated swinging in a relationship as a crutch whether or not that was true. We swung for about three years. I loved the many partners. I am not bisexual, so I didn’t need to swing to have sex with other guys. I just needed to meet them and fuck them. When John was talking about our past sexual history, I finally shared that my ex and I were swingers. I told him that I loved the finding sex partners with my husband, the thrill of the hunt and I loved the sexy vibe… I miss that, but I wouldn’t swing again with a partner if the relationship wasn’t solid. But I did admit that I am missing the variety of partners I enjoyed while swinging. I think that freaked him out. I didn’t do a good job explaining why the love of a variety of cocks and sexual experiences thrill me.”

John writes: “Yes, I did freak out when she told me of swinging and the end of her marriage. I thought, here we go, our relationship is over. We do not live together. We do spend most every day and night together, sometimes at my place and sometimes at hers…. but I thought our relationship was a good one. I immediately had doubts. I didn’t do a good job communicating on this topic at all. I got quiet. She took it wrong and we had a fight. We didn’t talk about swinging at all for about three months. It just sat there between us like a huge elephant in the room. We talked about everything but swinging. Finally, I had to say something to her about it so we can talk about it and get past this. I told her that I was jealous of the idea that she was still interested in swinging and a variety of guys. We googled swingers, sex and jealousy and found your blog on the top of the results. We jumped onto your blog and was quite surprised by your blog. We typed in jealousy in your search bar and damn Girl, you have written quite a few blog posts. Jane decided that we should start with the first post and just go through them all and see what we can get from your posts. Believe me, we knew this was going to be one of the many sites we would look at to gain some information because we thought we would just get some happy fluff about how great swinging is, but we were really wrong.”

Jane writes: “You blew our minds. We read “Taking the Edge Off” and got immediately turned on. It was like we connected immediately with you and the thrill of as you often say ‘fucking strange’. That really helped John a lot. He got to see a woman’s point of view of why this is so fun. The thrill of the first dates with sex attached. He started to see how this is exciting for me. Then we read some of the honest opinions you had about the good and bad of swinging. I told him about some of the experiences my ex and I had that were very similar. I told him that I felt jealous when my ex connected greater with others than with me. I understand now that I was not jealous of the other person as much as the connection that I knew we didn’t have. I told John that I shouldn’t feel that way now because we have a good relationship. But what I really need to tell you is, your blog allowed us to talk about the issues we could face, I did face, and what to do to not face them again. Your straight talk about it helped. You didn’t talk about the topics in a fluffy manner and give us vague steps to take. There is something about hearing or reading someone say… if you can’t get over your jealousy, get out of the lifestyle. Pretty simple if you ask me. If you can’t handle it, get out of it. No one will enjoy it if you can’t handle it.”

John writes: “Sophia, I really liked the blog because you told us guys what we needed to know to get into your panties. I love that line by the way. I have tried as a vanilla guy dating some of the things that you say not to do. I never got the results I wanted. I found out that it doesn’t work and why it doesn’t work. That was a great help. However, I made a number of mistakes that I have read not to do, just because it is so easy to take the easy route. I also thought how stupid I am because I am making this harder. I am jumping ahead as I am talking about both vanilla and now swinger connections. Your recent emphasis on communication caused me to laugh and get pissed often. Not at you. At me. I suck at communication verbal and text. I know this but I also know that I didn’t care. I believed that sex was a given in swinging. Boy was I wrong.”

Jane writes: “You are right John. I acted a few times like the women Sophia talked about, I wanted all the attention on me and I never thought the guy would want the attention on him too. It was all about me. We both found problems in how we were in our vanilla relationships in the past, and if we are honest, in our relationship. We started talking about the sexy stories you wrote and the funny posts. Even in the more frustrated posts you wrote, we found your bits of humor and more than that, we saw that you love swinging, you were just sick of the same old shit of swingers. We decided to follow your lead and only have one rule – both agree. We thought that would be easy. It wasn’t. John and I both held back on a few things we wanted or didn’t want. Hall passes weren’t something we would consider. But I found I wanted them. John didn’t think he would have one ever. I mentioned your blog post that all these women who are having hall passes has to be having them with someone. We then decided we would do hall passes. We hadn’t signed up on a site or we hadn’t met another couple, but we had begun to talk about our rules, or as you call it boundaries. We talked about what happens if our boundaries were not held during the sex, what will we do? What will be a deal breaker?”

John writes: “I thought I had a handle on it when we decided to get a profile and go to a meet and greet. I messed up. I did everything wrong and I got jealous of Jane’s ability to begin to make out with a strange guy with me right there. We had a huge argument on the way home. I felt I was correct. I was on a high horse. Jane pulled up one of your posts. She told me to read it. I fucked up. I knew it. I hated you at that moment. You put my shit back on me. What was worse, you weren’t any where near us to see my behavior, yet you described me perfectly. I told Jane I wasn’t happy with her throwing shit in my face you wrote. Jane came up with the perfect line, Think about it honey, you aren’t the only jealous ass if someone we don’t know wrote about her experiences with someone just like you. Yeah, that was hard to hear.”

Jane writes: “We had some great times and a lot of times we struggled not with our behavior but with the behavior of the other swingers. You had had a long period where you hadn’t written a blog post. We read that you had been ill and life got in the way, but I had to wonder after you started writing again, if you were a bit sick of the behaviors of swingers. Your posts showed frustration, yet you continued to offer people some suggestions on how to improve their communication. I was surprised when you posted exact conversations you have with people. I didn’t get that. We have looked at your profiles on the sites you mention. We have read your profile. Your profile screams out – up your game, look at how I write, the corny shit that never works for anyone won’t work for you. I looked at how I was communicating with the guys and how the guys were communicating with me and you know what, it was the same shit on both sides that you are giving as examples. I was guilty of asking a version of what’s up just because I wanted contact with them but didn’t want to work at it.”

John writes: “I got sick of women trying to do the bare minimum with me and I was suppose to write constant texts of how hot and sexy they were. It was a job not a fun opportunity. It sucked. I then lowered my texting skills. I already admitted I was bad at it. I really sucked. In six months, I was done with swinging. Then you wrote about SOP. In the business I work in, SOP is a big deal. We have a lot of regs we have to follow and you spoke directly to me in that series. I really appreciated it. I upped my game some but didn’t sustain it. It got me laid a few times, but it still felt like work. Then you wrote the Swinging and Social Awkwardness. I remember the first post you said that you know this will be difficult to write and read. You warned us all. But I saw how you wanted to keep humor in it. It must have been hard when you mentioned how many people just do the bare minimum. I read the post you wrote about the couple who decided to try your suggestions about the date before the date and during the date. We did that too.We had similar experiences.”

Jane writes: “You shared some of the negative comments you received and you shared with us during this conversation some you did not share. I didn’t see your posts as negative. I saw them as someone who wants better and is sick of the shit out there and telling people to up their game. Why is that negative? Here is my opinion on that, I think they just don’t want to up their game. Simply don’t want to up their game. Why would they take it as a negative post if you are telling them they suck and you are sick of them sucking and not the sexual kind. I am on your side, this needed to be said. Let me clear something up, it is not a taking side type of thing, but I have been on the receiving end of many of the same things as you. If I had a blog, I would say the same thing. Swinging doesn’t necessarily make a poor vanilla dater a great swinging dater. Swinging doesn’t mean you will get all the pussy you want without having to do the work, yet so many think that is true. To top it off, most married couples forget how hard it was to find a date as they have been married for years. Or they were high school sweethearts and only dated each other. But what really hurt John’s feelings when reading  your posts, when you talked about how lame some guys are when having sex. I use the word lame, you didn’t. But I am sick of guys who have one routine in sex and that is all they try. Five minutes of sex isn’t worth the many hours and weeks of talk about meeting and sex.”

John writes: “I think what you wrote about writing and passion and even negative passion is a huge ego boost to a writer is a great line. I also think there is a great deal of truth. Every time I got upset by something you wrote, I saw what I lacked and I wasn’t happy seeing someone point it out.”

Jane writes: “I am glad you have written this blog. I am glad you are writing in a real and honest manner. We were at a house party recently and certainly not like the ones you describe, but at this party we heard people bitching about some of the same things you write about on your blog. You are not alone when being upset with the same old shit swingers do. The sad thing is, they just bitched. They didn’t want to do anything to change it up.”

John writes: “I agree. I heard guys talking about how they thought they should be able to get pussy a lot easier than they do. Yet, they were doing nothing to connect or engage with the women. I told them I recently read a blog post and barely got that out when they started to laugh at me. I walked away from the group and started talking with two different women. I flirted with them and started making out with both of them. Jane told me the guys were giving me dirty looks. I bet they want to know what blog I was talking about. We didn’t go any further than making out because of several reasons. First, the party didn’t encourage sex. That was weird to write let alone know we went to the party that was for swingers but they didn’t want people to have sex. And second, their spouses didn’t allow them to actually have sex without both parts of the couple swapping. It was like you said, the girls are expected to just have sex with a guy who doesn’t do anything to deserve it.”

Jane writes: “If you don’t mind Sophia, we would like to keep in touch with you, our conversations with you have been great. We love the feedback. I don’t want the comments posted on the individual posts. I know you mentioned that we could, but we have enjoyed the two on one conversation we have had with you. You can post it in your blog. I don’t think we would be swinging if it wasn’t for your blog. We haven’t read any other blogs about swinging. We never found a need. You are sweet, funny, honest, and can tell some great dirty stories. I would love to meet you some time. I think you would be a fun person to know. Keep up the good work on the blog. Keep it honest. Too many people try to tell you the lifestyle is easy and fun. It isn’t. Flawed people try to swing. As you said in the social awkward series, it is hard to deal with your own social awkwardness and other people’s. Something has to changed. We want to help you change things. Please post our conversation if you want on your blog. Maybe others will see what you are trying to do and up their game. We are a work in progress.”

I will tell you, that I said nothing in most of the dialogue with these two folks. I thanked them for the first email where they asked if they could share with me their story. I received the emails with the Jane writes/John writes… I chose not to share much when they were sending the comments in order for them to be able to stay on the course they were on. John sent this comment a few hours after our conversation ended. “Sophia, just writing this out to you helped us with organizing our thoughts and finding out where we are now compared to where we began. I get why you write on your blog. It is a great manner of reflection and learning from what you reflect.”

I was curious about that comment. You see, I have been traveling for work and that is one of the slides I show in the presentations I do. So I asked him where he got that reflection comment from… as it was almost word for word from what I said and on the slide… he comments back… the other day we had a girl (from the company I work for) come to do a wellness presentation. I asked the location. I met John. He was one of the guys at one of my presentations. He writes back ‘No fucking way.’ I tell him, yep… I was just there… and had been there before… in fact, I touched his shoulder as he sat next to where I was standing and used him as a starting point for when they had to share… I touched his shoulder when I was making a point and he laughed at my comment… (the first time he sat across from me and as I tend to do… think about which of the audience “I’d do” and oh, yes, I wanted to do naughty with him) and he writes back… not only are you quite pretty, funny, and smart… you smell damn good… and now I have a face, voice, and smell to put together when I read your blog posts… gonna go read the Taking the Edge Off again with a whole new outlook! And when do you come back to the location for your next presentation????

So, there you have it… a very small world…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Do You Like Most About Swinging?

I have been asked this question before and I have asked others this question before. It is a good question to ask and it does provide great insight into what a person is like in the rest of their lives too. You may ask how that is so, well, lucky for you… I have an opinion on that very thing.

You see, most swingers state they like the variety of people they meet. This could in fact include those they fuck and those they chat with… you know everyone has their own manner of swinging… but as they venture forth into new levels of chatting about it… you find that the truth comes out.

Some folks state they are only swinging for the social aspect of it. Some state they don’t need friends and certainly don’t have time for friendships and they just want to fuck. Some state that they like a bit of both. These statements, if paid attention to, lets others know what this person likes and needs out of swinging.

For someone who is just in it for the social aspects, thinking you will be able to fuck them anytime soon is hardly realistic. However, if you are one that is also in it for the social aspect then of course, you are likely a match. At least for the most basic of social interactions.

What people do not always realize is, just because you both are swinging for a particular reason does not mean that you will match up… one does not always get along just because you like to fuck or like to socialize. The same aspects of engagement and connection that one finds success or lack of success in the rest of your life also happens in your swinging adventure.

There is also a question of whether a person is telling the whole truth. Yes, I have addressed this previously and in my experience, people lie. I have been told that they are in it just for the friendships and one half of the couple is fucking anything and everything. Or they are “NO KISSING” couple, but one half of the couple is kissing the shit out of one of us… people lie.

Do I think it is ALL intentional? No, but to a great extent it is done purposefully. The say what they think the other person wants to hear and then… well, they are leaving the other person a bit confused.

What do you like about swinging?

Me, I do like the fact that I can have sex with other men. I love a variety of cocks, styles of foreplay, the kissing, the variety… the variety is the biggest thrill for me… yes, I do love the connections and meeting others… but come on, I am a swinger who loves to swing… and that is what I like best about swinging.

I would love to hear what you like best about swinging… and I would love to hear the nitty gritty truth…

Muah Sophia

Getting Your Swing On With Communication Part 1

I have wondered recently how some people get their swing on. I am not sure where this post will end up, but this is the thought process I am having now. How do people get their swing on… and more specifically how do you get your swing on? This is going to focus on communication. Why? Because so many swingers appear to have some problem with communication. And that communication issue is a big deal. It is the key to how well things will work between the two or three or four people seeking to have a sexual adventure together.

I must tell everyone right now, I am a girl who enjoys spontaneous and anonymous encounters at a sex club or a house party. I do not need to know a lot about you other than I want you and you want me. I am not a communication control freak. I like to have sex and that is my goal.

However, most people enjoy or rather expect to go the route of looking at a profile – reading it if that is your thing, examine their photographs to see if ‘chemistry’ can exist… and the proceed to communicate with others. This appears to be where most falter a bit in the communication skills area.

Consider this scenario… someone contacts you and expresses interest in you and your spouse. You think great.

Yet, often this is where the awkward begins.

I took great care to write our profile without a lot of lists, rules, and so on. I wanted to appeal to others by telling our story of venturing into this adventure. I wanted to demonstrate who I am by what I wrote. I thought I did a good job. For most people, it works. It seems to work for them, they seem to get me.

When I get my swing on in this route, I take time to get to know the person. I try to understand what it is they are like, what they like, and how they like to communicate. However, when I say I take time… I do not mean the communication has to last forever before we meet… but when I am communicating with you, I am taking time to pay attention to what we talk about and that seems to be missing in many others.

When someone is about to get their swing on, do they get their swing on by doing the same things with each person they approach? You know, their standard operating procedures (SOP). Everyone is receiving the same from you and no flexibility given. A lack of creativity and spontaneity in your conversations often occur. So, are you one of those who do the same things over and over?

It appears most do.

Is it successful?

If what we read and hear from swingers who do not seem to get very far… I don’t think so.

I have had some guys that communicate with me and I am kinda bored with the efforts. One will spend most of his time talking at me about his adventure all the good and mostly the bad, talk about his wife and how wonderful her pussy is and all the people who want to fuck her. Like I am his swinging counselor – he even asks me how to contact admin on the site we are on… I have to look it up to tell him, he can look it up too… LOL.

I am not sure why he spends his time texting me this… I don’t care. I mean I really do not care. They live far away and we won’t likely play with them, but I am not sure what he is thinking about when texting to me. Does he text these same things to women he wants to and has the ability to meet in person and fuck? If so, it may explain why he is not so very happy with his swinging adventure.

Another guy, again who is too far away to play also sends me texts telling me of his conquests and his not so successful attempts at playing. Part of it is bragging and part of it is complaining. It is more of a brag/bitch session. Is this how it is with the women they want to play with? Could this be why his adventure is not so much how he wants it?

Much closer to home, there is a guy who wants to meet me. He is a single guy and we initiated conversation and within three texts after only two emails of basic introduction messages, he asks when he can get a blow job from me. That is all he talks about, me giving him a blow job. I love giving blow jobs, but that is all he could talk about is how no one likes to give him blow jobs. Umm, maybe this is why… it is all about you getting one and nothing about it being fun for both and something both can enjoy. I mentioned to him that maybe if he actually treated me like a girl he wanted to meet and have sex with rather than a $2 whore there to service him, he may have gotten his wish.

What about the excited folks who do not seem to understand that I want to know what you want to do with me and not what you do with your spouse. I was told someone (very new as in we were going to be their first) wanted to meet us and when I explained how we do things with others as in if you are not sure you want to play, you have to let us know we won’t pursue you… I hear back… I am not in this for the sex, I have all the sex I want and need at home…. I have to ask… why are you wanting to meet me… I am a swinger who likes to have sex… I told you that you needed to let us know if you want to have sex as you are new we did not want you to feel pressured and you tell me you aren’t in this for sex???? So very confused here… why contact a swinger if you don’t want sex?

I have one guy who texts me the following phrases repeatedly “U wet”, “U horny”, “U naked”. Really, you think I am sitting around waiting for a random text – naked, horny and wet? How many times do I have to tell you no before you stop asking me the same questions that are simply ridiculous.

Or another guy who will send the following texts in random order – “What you up to?” “What you thinking?” “I miss talking to you?” “You okay?” First, the grammar is bad… second… why can’t you think of something else to do than ask me what I am up to and thinking… because to be honest I am not sure if I am supposed to be honest… you know “What am I up to? Trying to decide if I want to tell you what I am doing?” Or “What am I thinking? I am thinking I really hate 20 questions… if you want to talk to me, start a conversation for Pete’s sake.” And if you miss talking to me then fucking talk to me… and just because I am not sending you constant texts telling you what I am thinking and doing does not mean I am lying in the ER near death… and if you tell me one more time to ‘ask you anything’ I am going to cut your balls off… Seriously… that annoys me to no end. You want to have a conversation with me then fucking converse… don’t interrupt my day and make me carry the entire load of the conversation. And no, I would not cut off his balls… but I would think about it very hard.

 

Today, I receive a text… from a different guy… “What are you up to today?” I tell him I am Christmas baking. Now, if someone told me they were Christmas baking… I would assume they are busy. Reading recipes, measuring ingredients, rolling, shaping, cutting, baking, timing, wrapping and all kinds of other activities that takes one’s hands to complete. Yet, this guy goes on to tell me that he is imagining what I am wearing while baking… fucking heels, panties, apron and little else. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! One, I am busy and two, who the fuck wears that shit when they are doing serious baking and not on fucking porn.

Yeah, that shit just irritates me a lot. Do you really think I am going to be turned on by you and your odd attempts to ‘communicate’ with me… Really????

What that does is show you have no clue how to actually get your swing on with me or possibly anyone. You assume that I am simply going to be turned on and wanting to fuck you simply by your random texts of random statements at random times asking me to do all the work here. Communication should flow easily. This is completed by employing basic communication skills. And common sense. That seems to be a big one for many people… how to employ common sense. A hard one indeed.

I can give you so many more examples.. like when a guy sends two quick texts and thinks that is all that is needed to get me all hot and bothered… or throw in a cock pic and then pics of you and your spouse having sex, this is not going to be getting me all hot and bothered…

Why?

Because you never bothered to do the work to achieve the rewards.

I think about it this way… two quick texts and one pictures does not make a girl cum. Yes, it may turn her on that someone wants her… but to propel her into orgasmic bliss, just not happening that quickly. Nor does two licks across her nipple or pussy cause her to cum. If those two licks were a part of a huge build up… where the anticipation was building for weeks or months and the want to great that she was begging for those two licks.. yeah, maybe. But for the most part, it takes more work for the orgasms to happen.

Sex and sexual interest takes work. Lots of work. While it should not be considered a JOB… it does take work. As we all know, good sex is a great workout… but it just doesn’t happen to be a great workout if well, there isn’t any work. The amount of work it takes depends largely on how good you are at the communication from the very start. If you are very good, people will hurry up and find a time to meet you. If you are not very good at the communication it may take a bit longer for them to get motivated to meet with you. I am serious. I have had people who found us very interesting and had to meet us as soon as possible. The sex we had was great because there was a great desire to meet and they found us similar to what we communicated we were like. That is a huge plus for us both, because they too communicated well and we found them to be fun and authentic upon meeting. The flirting between us was hot and the sex hotter.

Foreplay and build up of sexual desire requires some work to make it good. Especially when you have not yet met the person you want to get off quickly either by text or eventually in person.

I will admit there have been a number of times I have ‘faked’ excitement – hell even engagement in a conversation with a person who texted/sexted me. They caught me at a bad time and never bothered to ask or pay attention to my answer when asked, “What are you doing?” While writing this post (rough draft was completed, going back to add some more details), I was asked what I am doing. I told him I am baking. Christmas cookies. He ignored that statement I am assuming because he went on and on about what he wanted to do to me… then asked me – “are you rubbing your clit?”

Really? Yes, I am rubbing my clit with the same hand I am making cookie dough balls… seriously????

I received a text while traveling… when I say traveling I am talking about driving for hours for work… I take little breaks to stop at rest areas or gas stations for gas, beverages, or potty breaks… When I am waiting for the gas to fill up or in line to pay for my beverages or to use the rest room… I check my phone. I send texts back to those who texted me saying hi and that I am on the road… just taking a quick break, saw their message and about to hit the road again… I cannot tell you how many times I am send more messages and with expectations that I am going to be fingering my pussy while driving… REALLY?

I have to tell you, when driving in big city traffic or on the boring back roads or up or down the mountain… I am not fingering my pussy. Come on… get real.

You are not going to get me all turned on and fingering myself by two texts and two texts at the most inconvenient time. Just because you are free (or in your car with your cock in your hand) does not mean I am.

You truly have to get a clue about how to get your swing on and how to engage your prospective partner.

Here is something that I want to make very clear… a number of people who swing and actually swing – meaning have sex with others… enjoys actually having real sex. You know the in person, everyone is naked and sweating, breathing hard, juices flowing sex. We enjoy the physical interaction more than the sexting constantly before hand. It is far more fun to sext with someone who you have had sex with as you can close your eyes and remember what they felt like naked next to you or on top of you… you can remember the passion in their eyes, the catch in their voice when they came… the words associated with the movements they made…and that makes the one or two texts the catalyst to an explosive orgasm. Yeah, with just a few words… add a few more that connect the experience with the recollection and that person has great power over your want and need.

When you think about getting your swing on… look at it as a brand new challenge… to find out what your partner likes… what your partner wants… and how you both mesh. If you find you do not mesh very well, then move on. Nothing is more annoying that finding out that you do not mesh and having bad sex. Yes, there is such a thing as bad sex. It happens and it sucks… and it is usually because one person is not paying attention to their partner and just barreling through what they usually do.

I have made it very clear to people verbally and in writing (texting) that I do not like my hair pulled. Can I tell you how many times people (men) have pulled my hair on purpose? To many to count… those men did not get their swing on properly and lost me as soon as their fist first pulled my hair.

To get your swing on is to know that you are not alone in the swinging adventure. That your success depends on how well you read and know your partner. I always throw out some of the most shocking ‘fantasies’ I can think of to gauge where my partner is on the scale of open to most anything… as many say that and do not mean that… they say they are open to most anything but suddenly have a list of things they won’t do… so I throw out some pretty wild stuff and see where it lands and how much they are comfortable with before I even think about actually doing it..

I will then test them as we are about to get naked as to their level of openness. If they seem to freeze up when something is mentioned, I will move on. If they suddenly get hard and very passionate, then I know they are open to it…

I also, like I mentioned in the SOP part three post, enjoy mixing things up… doing something out of order… and unexpected that I know my partner will enjoy… I am okay with moments of chatting while he catches his breath… I am okay with trying new positions – as long as hair pulling is not included… I enjoy getting to know and understand my partner… and when my partner returns that favor it seems to be a huge success.

I guess that may be the key… you need to actually pay attention to your partner to be able to get to know them and have a successful time. I do not think it means that you must know their last name (most swingers keep that quiet) or where they work (maybe just their industry or job title) but you need to know them well enough to trust them and them trust you. If you are unable to feel some level of trust you may not have a great swinging adventure.

Now, I am a girl that enjoys some anonymous sex at a sex club just as much as getting to know a person… and on that note, I must tell you that the anonymous – just met you – having a great time fucking – sex seems to go a bit better than the friends forever (in relation to swinging timetables). I don’t know if it is because I am thinking the expectations are lower and the rewards greater or what exactly it is… but damn… sometimes when the person takes too long to get you naked and the constant build up is there… there is a moment of let down when their ‘texts’ don’t come close to their abilities.

I made myself a promise when I first started texting ‘partners’ that I would only text or sext about what I have done with someone already… unless it was made clear that I had not done this or that already and wanted to try it. I did this because I wanted to make sure that what I said in the text I could back up… It has worked for me. Very well. I think others should try that more often. Only suggest what you can objectively declare you do well. If you do not know of your actual abilities and how it is received, skip the build up.

As I look through some of my posts, I find that much of the posts talk about communication and more importantly – honest communication. It may be worth delving deeper into. I am told often from people how their partners, spouses included don’t seem to get them… and when you look deeper, you will see they don’t actually share as much with their partners as they do the person they hardly know on the other side of the computer or phone screen.

Kinda hard to get your swing on if you are not honest about what you want, need, and can offer.

Hope you enjoy your sexually social adventure…

Sophia

 

What is Your SOP (Standard Operating Procedures)?

How many of you have a set manner in which you flirt, communicate and perform sex?

I bet a great number of swingers out there do. Why? Because mankind is apt to do what is comfortable for them and has generated a feeling of success.

It is always a good thing to stick with you SOP (standard operating procedures)?

In my opinion, it is not.

Now, I know there will be a bunch of you who will argue with me on this topic… but here is my premise for this topic.

“Swingers often swing for the excitement of a new partner or experience”.

You can read in just about 9 out of 10 profiles that the couple has a great marriage and are only swinging to spice up their sex life.

You read people who tell you in their profiles or in text messages – “I get all I need sexually from my spouse.”

I have to ask then… why are you swinging.

If swingers swing because they desire new partners or new experiences… why do they seek the same old type of sex using their SOP?

I am not looking for a new spouse. I have invested way too many years in the one I have already. But what I am looking for is a new lover or if I am being honest, and I am honest… many new lovers. I want to expand my boundaries sexually and my partners.

However, I see many of my partners doing the exact same things sexually with me that they do with their spouses. The same routine in the same order with the same duration. Not much in the way of variety.

Yes, I get that they have a manner of doing things that seem successful…

But wait a minute… is it really successful if you are both looking to spice things up with others?

The only thing you are spicing up is who you are having sex with… not the manner in which you perform sex.

I had one partner who believed the only thing different between vanilla sex and swinger sex was the partner. In many ways that can be considered true… but shouldn’t swinger sex be a bit more than 15 minutes of pathetic foreplay and a few pumps in the pussy.

Oddly enough, I have had more of those encounters than I care to count… yet, I can count them on more than two hands. This is the basis of ONE AND DONE… once was more than enough and well, damn… if I wanted the bare minimum… I would seek out my vibrator… but then again… I seem to be rather creative with my vibrators… so a vibrator is often a step up from some of my partners.

To me, sex is an exploration of your partner. One lick of one nipple is not an exploration. Fucking them for 3 minutes and cumming and being done for the day/night is not an exploration or even fun… (No wonder their wives are actively seeking partners who have some creativity and interest in fucking others)…

How do I know some of these partners do the same thing with me and their wives? Because if we have sex a second time… the same exact routine. Seriously… I know exactly how many seconds they will spend on this… what they will start with… even what they will say…

I guess I assumed (possibly incorrectly) that swingers sought out sexual excitement and variety and put forth their greatest efforts. Sadly, that is not the case.

So, what can be done about this horrific SOP?

Communicate with spouse and partner HONESTLY asking them what they want… what they want you to do… what they need… you may be surprised by what they want…

Just because you think you are awesome at oral… why don’t you ask your partner am I any good? Or do you like oral? Or do you like to be fucked more? Or do you like long make out sessions? Do you like sucking cock? What can I do to make this a great time for you?

You will be amazed by what women actually want and need that you may not be providing and it is not anything too challenging…

You know like – not changing what you do orally every 30 seconds because you realize women may need a few minutes or so in one position to be able to cum…

Or you may find out that they are really into…………..

Well, we will let you figure that one out.

And just so you know… it goes both ways… gals need to ask the guys what they want… and if they are liking what they are doing… it is important to change things up… to make the people you decide to play with feel like they are worth giving your best and not the standard operating procedures.

I know this seems a bit odd to go to such extremes…but it is important to have the ability to know what you want and to find out what your partner wants and find a manner to ensure you both are left satisfied, wore out from pleasure, and thrilled to expand a boundary or two…

You must communicate with your partner. You must be willing to share with them what you want from them and seek what they want from you. Communication is essential and is often discarded in the process as swingers will just go with what they want or what they normally do.

Communication and a willingness to be open to explore your partner and throw out the SOP manual… shake things up a bit and fuck first then do oral… or go really out there and suggest something completely out of the box sexually for you both.

But whatever you do… don’t do what you normally do in the order you normally do with everyone… no one likes a one trick wonder for very long.

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…

Sophia

 

Swinging Really Isn’t That Complicated Part 3

Mamihlapinatapai (noun) – a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin – I think it would be much easier just to take the plunge and go for it than to try to pronounce this long-ass word… To those who share a look, a desire, and a reluctance – JUST DO IT! Happy Sunday everyone – Muah Sophia

That is the status update I made today on Kasidie. I found that word to be quite interesting and here is why – so many swingers do just that very thing… want someone and do nothing about it.

I do not actively seek out other swingers to swing with – as in, I do not perv a number of profiles to find someone to send a flirt, email, or friend request or even a post on their wall. I may happen upon a profile via chat or the forums that I want to initiate contact with or randomly run across a profile and post a message or email – but I don’t get a lot of action from that and often I don’t receive a response.

I am not bothered by that lack of response and here is why – They may not be interested in me or my husband or us both – they may not be serious about swinging – they may not be able to swing and are only on there for the ability to look – but their lack of response tells me that they are not for me.

I don’t see it as reject but as a part of the selection or not selected process.

I don’t get upset by it just as I hope they do not get upset if I do not select them.

One person has responded periodically to a variety of methods where I have had some contact with them via ‘professional’ means and then also with the blog. I sent an email letting this person know they can email me at a ‘real’ email address and despite looking at the email 8 times – never once responded to my email.

I don’t get that… you contact me over a number of methods and state you miss talking with me and yet when I send an email encouraging communication… well, he reads the email 8 times but sends nothing in response. Certainly a variation of mamihlapinatapai.

I believe that many swingers miss out on the opportunity to swing successfully because of fear and not all that fear is of rejection. Sometimes that fear is fear of acceptance. Bear with me while I discuss this phenomenon.

People hate being rejected that is a given. No one likes it. You can tell yourself you do not mind being rejected and people will say that you are lying. Well, it really depends on the situation. I don’t mind being rejected by someone (swinger related) that I have no ‘history’ with – I have had no initial contact with – I have had no conversations – see no interest physically with – and have nothing invested in the person – I can be rejected by them and be A-OKAY with it.

When I have invested time in the person and with intentions of meeting the person and fucking the person (I am a swinger after all) – then rejection hurts – but to a degree.

If it is a few conversations and little time invested – the rejection barely registers. If I have invested a great deal of time and effort – the rejection hurts a bit more. Often it is because I feel they wasted my time and yes, even Sophia wonders what she did wrong that she was rejected. That is normal.

I have a presence on my blog and on the sites that I am on and because of that presence, some people may have an image of me that is substantially higher than I can live up too and believe me – I show both the good and bad about me… I am not elevating myself to a level I can’t possibly live up too – but these potential play partners tend to do so.

While the ego trip they take me on feels good – I begin to distance myself from them because I know I am less than perfect and where my imperfections lie. I don’t want to fall short of their expectations of me – I will tell them that I am not perfect, not a model, not whatever – but they want me nonetheless.

Then they begin to fear they will not live up to my expectations of them.

I do not have expectations of any partner or any play time we may share.

I may share what my likes, dislikes, fantasies and desires are… but that is no way a script of what I would like us to do and certainly in particular order. Yet, many potential partners have it in their mind it is.

They will then be afraid to meet with me. They feel they will not be all that I want. They feel they will somehow let me down.

Another part of it… they begin to feel real feelings for me. They are able to open up with me more than they can anyone else (their words not mine). They will tell me that they are able to share their most secret sexual desires with me and not their spouse.

I have had some potential partners and partners act in the same manner but not say the words.

And it boils down to fear of rejection and fear of acceptance.

What if the person does like me and I don’t live up to their standards? What if I believe we have so much in common that we will get along better than me and my spouse? What if I have real emotions for this person – like love?

I have in the past talked about how emotions are not a bad thing between swinging partners. Sometimes it is nice to have someone who cares about you that is not your spouse. If you are not swingers this can be a problem. If you are swingers this can but shouldn’t necessarily be a problem.

Many swingers say they want friends… but don’t you have some type of emotional connection with your friends?  You may not have sex with your other friends, but if you want to have sex with someone you are friends with, shouldn’t there be some emotional connection or you would not actually be friends but strangers who fuck?

So a number of swingers hold back because they found such a connection that they are afraid they will be more than they can be with someone and that scares them a lot more than taking the risk and getting rejected.

Any wonder why swinging is so complicated?

Hope you are having a wonderful sexually social adventure…

Sophia

Why Do You Swing?

Why do you swing? That is an interesting question and leads to many interesting answers.

You can start by telling how you got into swinging… but does that really explain why you swing?

You can talk about what you like about swinging… but does that really explain why you swing?

You can talk about the benefits of swinging… but does that really explain why you swing?

I ask those questions as they came to mind when I thought of why do I swing. And I realized that those answers are more challenging because one must understand the motivation for swinging.

Is it sex?

Is it a bad thing to swing because you like sex?

Not at all. Wanting to have sex is a great reason for wanting to swing.

For me, it is about the sex. It is also about the freedom I have to explore my sexuality. I enjoy exploring those things within my ‘sexuality’ that I cannot describe often in words. I enjoy the new partners and the excitement that comes from those partners and yes, it is because they are new.

I love getting to know people and building sexual chemistry with them. I also enjoy fulfilling my fantasies and theirs. Again, it goes back to the freedom to explore my sexuality while exploring someone else’s sexuality as well.

It is always amazing when someone can express why they swing in a manner that it not ‘typically’ stated. By looking within yourself for the reason why you swing, you are able to determine how your swinging will go and what you will do with your adventure. It is at that time when you can really begin to enjoy your adventure and how to make those adventures happen.

Ask yourself why do you swing and ask it often. It may be the answer to what your adventure will need to continue to be an exciting exploration of your sexuality.

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure,

Sophia

Blurred Lines – Friends or Lovers

I have a great number of folks I ‘chat’ with in a variety of ways… email, text, kik, and chat rooms. I enjoy getting to know other people and working from home is one of the main reasons for my enjoyment of having conversations with others. I enjoy both sexy conversations as well as regular conversations about the ‘real’ person.

There are times when those conversations cause some blurred lines to occur and I have to be honest, I am not sure once those lines are blurred between friends and lovers (or potential lovers) it can move back and forth seamlessly.

I will try to explain.

In an effort to get to know someone, people will share thoughts, stories, and conversations about a number of topics. When this happens you move from strangers to acquaintances and then to friends… often with the hopes of being lovers. I agree, it is nice to get to know a person in an effort to feel comfortable with them to be lovers… however, sometimes this backfires.

If I know too much about your everyday life… and the conversation revolves more about the mundane aspects of life… well, we have moved into the friend zone… and it is nice to have friends with benefits in the swinger world… but often most of the ‘friendships’ are via the electronic communication modes and not so much in person meetings… so these types of friendships are not bad as the likelihood of them heading off to opportunities to have sex is slim. We see a few occasions where long-distance is shorted when someone travels and when that happens, if there was interest sexually between both parties, the sex happens and the friendships remain.

Unless of course, the friendships were only present in an effort to get into your pants and then after you meet (sex or no sex), they no longer want anything to do with you… you know that thing of ‘been there, done that’… But that is another story altogether…

When you are moving past the electronic communication to the in person communication because the plans are made to bring the meeting each other happen, we see some rather strange stuff happen.

When you are a couple meeting another couple we hear endless tales of what they like and what they do not like… we hear about how much in love they are… how great their sex life is…

And when the conversations are lacking and efforts to have an exciting conversation occur does not take off… I will resort to these conversations to at least kill some time… time until it appears like a good time to depart.

When on a date with a man by myself (hall pass)… I really do not want to spend the entire night chatting with them… I will be honest… I find dating a guy for endless hours and endless dates tedious. I want to get to know them (the pre-meet communication is in my opinion what this is for) and then I want a little bit of time to find out if I am interested and attracted to them in person… and then I want sparks to fly.

I do not want to spend a lot of time talking about spouses, children, and other everyday life things… I want to know what they want to do with me… why they want me.

I want passion, energy, chemistry… not talking about kids and spouses and jobs.

I want to know there are no blurred lines between friends and lovers…

Yes, you can be both… but you know what… when I am on a date (couple or hall pass) I need to know why I am there. I need to know that you want me – naked and wet. I need to know that there is passion, energy, chemistry, need, and want happening…

I will admit that it is difficult for me to move towards passion if I have sat there for 30, 45, 60 minutes or more listening to the things that ‘friends’ listen too in daily conversations. I want to know about you (read that every other bit of you besides the sex part)… but not the entire time I am with you…

I often wonder if swingers really understand what swinging means… to me it is recreational sex between people not your spouse or significant other… it is not married sex with strangers… it is an opportunity to explore what you haven’t previously with someone new… even if you have a ‘new’ partner you see often… talking about your spouse, kids, jobs, and boring shit like that does not invoke passion in many people… talking to the person you are with about why you are with them… that leads to passion, energy, and chemistry…

And from someone who loves to talk… sometimes I just want to be rude and say, “Shut the fuck up, I don’t care, just fuck me already!”

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure,

Sophia

Understanding Double Standards… part two…

The understanding of double standards is difficult, because even if you understand them you may not be able to change them…

Well, ain’t that a defeatist attitude.. did not mean for it to sound defeatist… but if you understand the double standard and allow the double standard to continue… you have defeated yourself and those you hope will change the double standard….

I have taken a stand a number of times.. on a number of these double standards but not by getting up on a soap box and screaming my opinion to others… sometimes I have taken approaches that are subtle… direct… and humorous… and yes, I have even resorted to blogging about some of these things..

I have been told that I have managed to say in words what they felt. I have addressed issues they didn’t realize they had… I have had people agree wholeheartedly with some of what I wrote…

I have had people stop talking to me or having anything to do with me because I wrote about a particular issue when I addressed it with them first and they ignored me or got pissed I had the audacity to disagree with what they did or said to me…

The double standard I mentioned yesterday – women thinking that just because they have tits and pussy that is all they have to do to get another woman to play with them….

Oddly enough… I had a conversation about this – brought up first by the other person and they hadn’t read my blog – how do I know that???? I had finished it up while talking to this person… wasn’t sure she even knew of my blog.  She mentioned that she was sick of the male half flirting with her and nothing from the female half but when it was time to play she was expected to play with the female.

She was like… WTF? Just how was I supposed to get all excited about the female half if there was no connection. I told her I know exactly what you are talking about…seriously…

I told her that I needed to have some type of indication that the person likes me… maybe not for months, weeks, days… but at least when we are together would love to know the person wants me…

She asked why women don’t actually flirt with each other…

I have no idea… She had no idea… but she asked me what I do about it… how do I let them know…

I told that I refuse to play. We may touch hands or maybe stroke a nipple while playing… but a woman who really wants to play with me will let me know just as I will let her know… if it doesn’t happen… then it won’t happen.

She then asked the best question possible…

Why do women take for granted that everyone will want them male or female…

The reason I believe… is ego based. Everyone wants to believe they are all that… and in the lifestyle this is about as bad as it gets. I am being honest here… so many women believe that they are all that… they have their spouses building them up as the most beautiful and sexy woman who ever walked the earth. But they are only ‘attractive’. They are not sexy because they wear lingerie. They do not make themselves approachable and so no one finds them as sexy as they think.

They cannot rely solely on their spouses opinion. They have to make an honest attempt to engage with others… They have to want to get to know others… they have to want  to find out about others…

The women who have the most fun on their adventure are the ones who engage both males and females. They are the ones that work up the nerve to talk to you and really engage you as a response to your engagement efforts on them….

I am more than likely to engage more people on the date or at a party or club than most. There have been dates where if I did not speak, there would be absolute silence.

I look for exit signs to run and run fast… I am not going to enjoy playing with someone who cannot make the effort to engage me…

Now, I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea… believe me I have no problem with that… I am hoping often that I won’t be so I don’t have to be the one who says NO WAY! I give them outs…. we are sitting there and the person decides I am going to put my moves on her and there was no hint that they want to… I suddenly have to go to the bathroom and then when I get back… I regroup and find an excuse to leave….

You have to do some prep work to let me know you want me when you meet me or it is not going to happen…

For men or women…

You want me to play with you… you have to let me know… When I flirt with you.. you have to respond… if I am not flirting with you because you have given off the cold and aloof vibe… then you will have to let me know you are interested… but you know what… in all honesty… you lost your chance with the cold and aloof vibe you gave off…

I guess I am not the only person who feels this way…

Women do not get a free pass just because they are a woman to not do any work at letting the other person know you want them…

As I said before… I am bi… not doing this for show… doing it because I found you attractive, interesting, and there was a connection between us… just as it has to be when with a man…

I am not going to simply do a bi-show for your entertainment….

Just something to ponder on your sexually social adventure….

Sophia