Tag Archives: dominant

And Submission Means

It appears my husband and I are not on the same page as to what submission means. We have talked about rewards for following directions… and punishments for not following directions. We have gone over rules… and we have talked about what his hard limits are… and oddly enough, in those conversations we talked about what submission means.

I swear he was there when I was having those conversations with him… I even asked him if he understood, had any questions, listened to his comments… and well damn… I need to make sure I didn’t speak in tongues because it was like I had said not one damn thing at all.

The two options were discussed on Friday night and he picked the more fun option. I was excited about the option he picked… of course I would be… and he was excited about the option… I mentioned it over the course of the weekend… I asked if he wanted out of the cage before Monday at 9 am… he said no… he would wait… I say, so you want to wait until Monday at 9 am? Yes he says…

Monday at 9 am I am waiting for him to come to me to have his cage removed. I had already told him what I wanted to do leading to the cage removal… I had left plenty of time in my schedule for what I wanted to do… He obviously had other plans…

Like pulling some “I will do whatever the fuck I want” bullshit.

He comes to me at 9 am (good boy on that) and talks to me about his suitcase he is taking on his trip…

What the Fuck?

Seriously, that is what you want to talk about… I am waiting for you… naked by the way and you want to go on and on about your carry on suitcase decision. He leaves the room and at 9:03 he comes back and asks me if I will unlock his cage.

Again, what the fuck?

I laid out the plans so he knew what to expect on Friday night. It is like he ignored me.

And let’s just say that didn’t go over very well. I do not do well at all being ignored.

I mean, seriously…

So he tells me, TELLS me… to unlock his cage.

I go get the key and inform him that is all I will do. He was not here at 9 am ready for what I told him to expect. He then left the room and then came back at 9:03 telling me to unlock his cage.

Well, I am sorry… but that doesn’t fly…

He is the one who wanted to have the cage on… to do this submission thing… he agreed to it and now he is telling me what he is ready to do and what I am going to do…

And submission means…

Telling the person you are to submit to what to do and with an attitude?

Umm, no…

Fuck no.

It gets worse… I tell him he missed his opportunity. He was not here at 9 am… he interrupts and yells at me… he knew I would renege.

OMG!

He did not really say that…

Oh yes he did… several times…

He is yelling at me about this… Refused to stand in one place and have a conversation about it… he is walking around the house away from me as I try to explain to him why I am not reneging… I am addressing his refusal to follow directions and why this will be his punishment… he fucked up this opportunity and will not get any reward…

His voice is raised and so is mine… Good grief… the guy was determined to make this worse on himself.

He refuses to listen to me when I try to tell him the directions were simple. At 9 am on Monday morning be ready to take the cage off. Not 9:03… not telling me what the fuck he wanted me to do… the directions were simple… be ready at 9 am Monday morning.

I had lots of options planned for us at 9 am this morning… but I made sure he knew that he would be very happy after our ‘goodbye’ session because he was deserving of a reward for going so long in the cage… and I had plans on how to make it okay if he could barely last…

I mean the first time we took him out of the cage and I was going to reward him for being a good boy in the cage he came after 3 seconds of being in my mouth for his reward blow job and wasn’t even hard…

The very next day… without being in the cage… I gave him a blow job that didn’t even last one minute… he wasn’t fully hard even…

The point for this morning was to allow him to cum quickly if he needed to… go and masturbate all week while away from me so that when he came back home… and I cleared my afternoon Friday so that I could fuck him when he came home… and well, the stupid man… he fucked that up…

Because now, I cannot reward him for fucking this up. And he did.

I took some time after the initial conversation (using that term lightly) to explain it again to him. He was not submissive.

He was not submissive to me.

He was passive-aggressive (something he knows pisses me off big time)

He was argumentative… and wrong in his position in his argument… that only made it worse…

He says he doesn’t know what submission means… Oh, that was wrong in so many ways… but first… because I told him what it means numerous times… told him to research it… he has watched and read tons of stuff on this… so he kinda was lying…

The issue at hand was the lack of submissive mindset… the lack of submissive attitude… He was rebellious… he was argumentative… he was in fact everything but submissive. The problem with that is that he had yet to really undergo any request that demonstrated his submission…

Yes, he had his cage on… goody for him… but he failed to submit to me or the activity that we were participating in… and this is something that is very common in our marriage… it is why this whole approach is so very exciting for me… for once in our marriage the dominance of my role is fully acknowledged and the submission role that is his is also clearly stated. I was clear as to what my expectations were… and I have treated him with utmost respect and refrained from the humiliation he fears… I refrained until it was clear that he had no respect for me despite me showing him respect…

The power exchanged that had happened over the course of the weeks… it was all gone… the issues between the power differential in our marriage that caused issues (again, not a fan of passive-aggressive behavior and I will call him out on it…) reared its ugly head again…

When he focuses on the fact that he is not a powerful as in an in charge kinda guy… and he doesn’t like to make those decisions and this is a natural way of being… and when he is not wanting to make a decision but feels like he is being weak he attacks… Not physically or cruelly… just very passive-aggressively… and well… when he doesn’t… when he accepts the role of being submissive… things go smoothly.

And not because I see him as a weak man… but because he just doesn’t want to have that on him and I can take it just fine…

This was an epic fail in one regard… we didn’t get to have the fun play time before he left for his week long trip. He fucked that up big time.

It was an epic win in at least one regard as well… He saw he can’t get his way if he is not going to submit… and well, that is the whole point of this… he denied himself his pleasure today… and that may be a lesson he only needs to experience once or twice (yes, I get the irony as he is in a cage to deny his pleasure regularly… but he denied himself pleasure when he was supposed to enjoy it).

If any of you have any advice on this wife/Dom and husband/sub… shoot me an email… I would love to learn some things…

Muah Sophia

An Analysis of a female swinger by a fan – yeah, still not submissive buddy…

I am going to share with you with permission some comments from a fan of mine. I use the words fan because the person this is about uses the word fan. The ‘fan’ starts the conversation off a little differently than what one may expect… but it is nonetheless interesting… and a bit entertaining.

Sophie – you are odd. I have seen your profile and forum posts on a site and I don’t get you. I do however call myself a fan of you. I have in fact seen your private pictures so I do know what you look like face and body… you have some great pictures. You are a beautiful woman. You have a voice. You have an opinion. You write a lot of words. I read all you post just about everywhere I can find you writing. I am not a stalker. Honest. I am not. I just find myself happy with what you write and upset based on what you write.

You do not hold back. I have to wonder if you are that way when you have sex. Full of passion and full of life. I expect I would not agree with all your write or say in person, but it would be interesting.

I don’t agree with a great deal of what you write as you write it. The general points yes, but not the details you share. I find this interesting because despite not agreeing with you I have to read all you write. You intrigue me.

You appear very intelligent even when you write very simply. I have a feeling it is so that you are understood, but often you are not understood by many. I think that has to be due to your intelligence and your sex.

Women are not to be smart.

Women are not to be sexy because of their intelligence.

Women should not challenge men.

You do it all. And well.

However, you alienate men because of it.

You admit readily that you are not submissive, yet, you want a man to take a lead. That is a contradiction and confusing.

I am not sure why you want men to follow rules of contacting you. You seem to be a bit controlling.

You want men to do what you say and you are not happy when they don’t. I don’t understand why you just do not let that go and be happy that you are in contact with men.

I know this may sound like I am not a fan of yours, but I really am. I find you beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and too controlling for me.

I think you will be more successful in your adventure if you are less controlling. You really should give up more control with others.

That is what I wanted to say and I hope you understand I am a fan of yours and if we were ever to meet we would have great sex as long as you are submissive.

yours truly,

Name withheld

My response to him was interesting – well at least to me.

Hi, thanks for the email. I appreciate the feedback, analysis, and ‘fan letter’ sent to me. I am not sure you are a fan of mine if I am so not what you like… but thank you for the compliments and the criticism of who I am.

I am not submissive. You tell me to do something as an order I will not do it.

I do not apologize for that fact. I am not submissive.

However, I will be more than happy to please you if you let me know what it is you want as long as it does not go against my hard limits. If you whisper into my eye when we are naked and having sex what you want me to do… I will do it… I do not see that as submissive, I see that as wanting to please my sexual partner.

I am not sure what to do if you do not understand that statement.

I am a person with a mind, a voice, and the ability to type the details of my thoughts well… and I do. If you do not like the fact that I write what I think instead of writing to hopefully get someone to fuck me… then we won’t get along in person… which means we won’t be fucking.

I love having conversations, debates, and other lively encounters with others… when I do have lively encounters, where each of us are authentic in who we are… it is so much better when we have sex.

If you cannot handle the fact that I will not cater my opinions to please a potential (even if the potential is highly unlikely) that is okay… you wouldn’t be the type of guy I like.

I like a man who knows what he wants, communicates what he wants, and takes the lead to get my attention, my panties, and enjoy the pleasure I give him.

Just because I am not submissive does not mean that I do not want a man who takes a lead… the lead… with me.

I am not going to apologize for that…

I am not sure where you get that I am controlling. I am not. I believe you confuse the fact that I voice my opinions and preferences as controlling.

I do not have time to mess around with someone who cannot carry on a real conversation with me.

Texting and sexting may be a common occurrence in swinging, but I truly believe the conversations should be worth someone.

A few weeks ago I received an email on a site that said ‘text, hendo?’ and a phone number. That was all that was written… seriously… was I supposed to text the phone number ‘hendo?’…

This person has a free account and can only send/receive 5 emails a day.

My question is… why wouldn’t you make the contact mean something?

He sent an email stating that I must not be interested because I hadn’t texted ‘hendo’ back to him. I asked him what I was to take from that email he sent. He hadn’t said he was interested in me… never said I was pretty… never said I was interesting… Sexy… nothing… just text hendo? and a number.

Why am I controlling because I won’t respond to someone who obviously cannot carry on a conversation?

I am not interested in having a list of men to text daily. I want to text people who want to fuck me. I want to text people who I have friendships with that actually care about having a conversation with me.

I have significantly cut back on who I spend time texting. I love the freedom it has given me. I am not going to waste time on someone who can’t carry a conversation. This is single men, women, and married men. Seriously, I have had some pretty stupid waste of time texts from people that cause me nothing but aggravation.

I have had to cancel ‘dates’ because people are just too stupid to get it… you want to communicate with me and fuck me… then converse with me… not the ‘hey’ shit… not the one-sided 2 hour long monologue… not the talking about you cheating on your wife, lying to her or trying to manipulate her… seriously?????

I am not controlling to decide to move on or to avoid altogether… it is my phone, my time, my decision…

What you want is to compliment me while tearing me down… read your email to me again and you will see that I am right there… you compliment me while tearing me down… shame on me for not being submissive. Shame on me for sharing my opinion… Shame on me for being pretty, smart, and vocal…

I laughed while reading your email… the timing was awesome… I was upsetting people by announcing something that annoyed me… I guess I am not smart enough to act air-headed, stupid, and dumb to get laid… I am okay with that… because I have enough confidence in myself to be myself… an authentic, non submissive self…

But I do thank you for your email… it does help me see how people see me and how I am coming across as I am… a real woman with a brain, confidence, voice, and frustrating men who do not what to do with a real woman…

Muah Sophia

In the swinger world… I am so not a submissive… well, in my entire life… I am not…

It has been a while since I have posted… I swear I have had the blog up on my computer and have started a handful of posts… and then got busy and forgot to get back… Another idea popped in my head… I would go to write about it and got busy…

So, needless to say… the blog has taken a back seat to the busy things I had to do…

I have been busy on the forums off and on… and had a number of interesting threads going on… and a few of them I have asked myself… why the fuck do I care? But then I realize that I cannot avoid posting my opinions just because the ‘guys’ on the forums don’t like a woman with a voice… and yep, some get upset that I challenge them on the forums… throw their shit right back at them…

And for the record… I am not a femi-nazi… but damn I have found out that I am a women who believes women should not be treated like property, like they have no valid opinion, and that when men in the lifestyle act like a sexist ass… I am going to say something…

I must add… I do not think I am a submissive person… as all this behavior has not made me feel like I need to submit to the men who are saying some rather stupid shit…

I found that I have a deep desire in me to make those men submit to me… and I won’t go into all that right now… but yeah, not a submissive.

I have somehow found a number of books on my kindle where the theme delves into Dom/sub relationships… and no surprise here… the women are all submissive… I read those books and cringe every time the women are classified as submissive and the reasoning the authors give as to why they are submissive is ridiculous. I have done some research on this over the course of 4 years… and some of the authors are a bit off the mark.

I have had some partners who thought I was submissive… and I told them I wasn’t. They tried to talk me into being submissive. I am thinking if you have to talk someone into being submissive, they are not submissive. If you are submissive, the idea of submitting to the Dom feels comfortable even if you are fearful of what it means… but there is a comfort there… the ‘role’ feels natural to you… and you can determine if there is enough trust to be with them as a submissive.

There is a desire to feel the pain that brings sexual pleasure when you are a submissive.

Both of those things are missing in me.

I don’t feel comfortable as a submissive. I don’t seek out submissive release sexually. I don’t enjoy pain. I had someone tell me that if I just let him use nipple clamps on me I would see the pleasure that comes from pain. I only felt pain.

Well, no… that wasn’t all I felt… I felt annoyed that they didn’t believe me. I felt pissed that they argued with me…

But no, I am not a submissive…

I am also not a woman who enjoys being someone’s property.

Just as I am not able to call a man master or sir in the bedroom, I am not able to be someone’s property.

On the forums… I was very pissed… however, I did a great job not lashing out on people but simply explaining calmly that the following phrase baffles me… from a number of men, the following was said… not always in these words, but the gist is the same… “I let single men fuck my wife.”

If my husband ever said that to where I heard or found out… I would take his balls for a souvenir of ‘asshole husband of the year’…

I decide who I fuck. He does not decide for me. And to hear him think that out loud in my presence… I would seriously let him have it…

I am not a submissive in my soul, mind, or body.

Yet, some men think that because I am a vocal female… I am, in fact, screaming out to be dominated.

Really????? That is what you get from me telling you that I am not submissive, do not want to be submissive and find more pleasure being Domme towards men… that I am screaming out to be a submissive????

I have some tell me that I am a switch…

A switch means that I would be willing to move between Dominant and Submissive…

What part of submissive – that I am not submissive is confusing to you????

Why am I talking about this?

Because in the lifestyle, there are many men on the forums and in real life… that believe that all women want to submit to them… that they will tell a woman what to think, when to think it and this is the most annoying of it all… they will validate a women’s opinion as IF A WOMAN NEEDS THE MAN’S VALIDATION FOR HER OPINION.

Sexism is rampant in the lifestyle.

Sexism is rampant in many marriages.

Studies have been conducted that show that most sexism in the US is found in marriages. Where women are controlled by their husband through the ‘traditional roles’ that are no longer valid in the same manner as they were in the 1950s.

Men expect women to live in those roles, despite life not really set up to allow it… Women can no longer stay home and take care of the house and her man as most people need more than one income. Yet, when the woman works outside her home in a part time or full time position, the responsibility for the kids and house still sits on her shoulders… and if she wants to have some swinging fun… it has to run through her husband… and heaven forbid if the man she wants is better in his eyes than he is to his wife…

I have seen in person and on the forums men who treat their wives like property. That is bad enough… what is worse is when the man then goes on to say in a manner of ‘mansplaining’ to other women why he needs to treat his wife like a child… that she is ‘too nice’, ‘unable to make a solid decision about a person’s character’, ‘she makes mistakes she will regret later’, ‘she doesn’t really have a type of man she likes and will say yes to anyone’…

Really, is she really too stupid or weak to make a decision that she wants to fuck a guy who wants her with no strings attached????

Really, is she really too stupid or weak to make a decision that she wants to fuck a guy who isn’t trying to control her?????

To all those who think women have the final say in the lifestyle… you are wrong… it appears most husbands will decide who his wife will see emails from, make conversation to see if there is attraction, or otherwise decide to fuck… it appears that most men will act out of ‘looking out for her’ but it is really ‘looking out for his best interests that do not threaten him at all.

I think now is a great time for women to look at who they are in the lifestyle, what they want in the lifestyle, and from whom… and take control of their sexually social adventure… and for Pete’s sake guys… not every women is submissive…

Muah Sophia