Tag Archives: ENM

When It Finally Happens

For years I have had a couple of items on my “fuck-it” list. I told myself through the years to be patient and wait for this to happen. Do not rush it… do not choose the wrong person… do not just do it without making sure it is what you want… it was that important to me these couple ‘things’ I wanted…

Now, I am not always the most patient of people. I have some Pisces and Aries happening within and they can make me rather impatient and a bit dreamy about things… and well… I waited… since the idea first started to form in late 2013… and really be a ‘thing’ the first of 2014… it became something I really, really wanted. And I had bits and pieces of it… but not the whole thing…

Let’s be honest… for someone who overthinks things… is a natural planner, and a dreamer… a difficult combination… thank goodness for the Aries in me… after all these years… it happened.

And good God it was incredible.

And took a lot of planning.

And a lot of nearly had it planned and then something fucked it up before it could happen…

And me wondering if I should just give up this idea…

And as the idea went on to almost happening… details being talked about and then the whole fucking thing being scrapped…

I nearly gave up.

And then… a conversation with a friend who is BI… and through that a conversation with another who is BI… and one who is very submissive… and I have planned whole conferences that took less planning and committees and logistics… I tried hard to overcome some major things I needed to overcome to be mentally prepared for this… and to be able to move past the visions I had of how this would happen and who this would happen with… and when… and where… and fuck… I am exhausted just thinking of all that thinking and planning that went into this whole thing…

And all I can say is “I am so fucking happy it happened as it did, when it did, and where it did…”

I don’t think I could have planned it any better or with better partners in this adventure…

My husband did not want to participate in this adventure. All along the way he was really not all that into doing this… he wanted to do it if it was important to me… and it was important to me… but not necessarily important he partake in the adventure himself. It was okay that he said no… I would much rather have participants that wanted to go all in than someone who was hesitant to do this… and well, as my husband didn’t really want to do this… I said I would find someone or a couple someone’s to do it with me.

I remember way back when this first became a thing… I could close my eyes and see how this played out… most of the time when I thought of it… the partners involved were not really solid component… even when I mentioned the fantasy I had… the partners were never really who I could see or picture them as a part of it… they were rather fluid in this… In 2014, at least one partner was identified… but for only a short time… then that position again became a faceless person who I allowed to not be identified… just waited until they would show themselves.

Many guys who claimed they were straight volunteered for the role… but they had to many conditions… way to many conditions… and well, that kinda took the fun out of it. I wanted someone who would recognize what this really involved and not tell me what they would and would not do… and I understand that everyone would have their hard limits… but we aren’t even talking about that… we are at the ‘I will do this but not that’ despite me not ASKING them to do anything or be a part of it… I was just sharing what my ultimate fantasy was…

You see, in this part of the sharing what it was I was interested in… I wanted someone who was just as excited in participating and not someone who would do it because it would make me happy… there is a movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn The Breakup where Jennifer’s character wanted Vince’s character to want to do dishes… that was how I felt… I wanted someone who wanted to do this for the reason of wanting to do this and not because… well, there is something that makes the half hearted MMF not as much fun as one would think it would be…

I wanted someone who wanted to enjoy the MMF with me and the third person… and that was largely the reason why I never really pushed it with my husband. He WOULD do it if I wanted him too… but he really wasn’t that much into it…

Then it looked like it would happen… but yeah, the fell through in such a big and painful way… so… I was back to wanting to have this happen but thinking it wouldn’t…

And with all the bisexual men who were constantly contacting us wanting to fuck my husband… damn, you would think I could get this to happen… I mean… seriously, it shouldn’t be that hard to get this happening.

It looked like it was going to happen according to the plans that were taking shape in September… and then suddenly… BANG! BAM! BOOM! that all exploded in my face… it was ugly and painful and I truly asked myself why the fuck was I surprised…

So I gave up that fantasy… and every other one wrapped up into that one… and then…

In the midst of one conversation with a friend who is BI… I mentioned how I was thinking about this whole ENM shit and if I was even really interested in the trouble of all this… and during that conversation I was told a few truths I could not deny… and realized that this is something I really want to do… and he simply said… “Then move on from him and find two men who aren’t ‘afraid’ to do what needs to be done.”

And I did. I talked to this friend about what I wanted. He tells me that what I want should not be too difficult to make happen. It wasn’t like I was asking for something completely off the wall and hard to pull off… just need two guys willing to fuck you and each other… and he knew several men that I can meet and see of they passed muster…

He gave me a few names to reach out to to see if they were interested to see if there is chemistry. There had to be chemistry between the men and me… and for it to be really fucking good, chemistry between the men… this was going to be fun and interesting and some work…

As we were communicating and learning about each other we shared what else we were interested in… since I tend to go all in… I shared a lot about what I wanted from this adventure… and what my limits were… and asked them about their… we spend a lot of time texting individually and as a group…

And I should mention that there were 6 men I was communicating with… I knew that I would need several of them as options in the off chance that they didn’t get along or have chemistry. A few men got along very well… almost too well… Two of them decided they just wanted to fuck each other… apparently they were more on the gay side of BI, so we were down to 4… this was four guys and the ‘friend’ that I reached out to…

He and I were talking one day and he felt compelled to tell me that he wanted to make sure I knew that he wanted… no had to be a part of this adventure of mine. He couldn’t just help me set it up and not participate in it… Since I did like him and find him quite attractive… it was a good thing… and I couldn’t wait… but it meant that we needed to narrow down the remaining guy… but the problem was, there were two other men that I was really fancying… two guys that I had a lot in common with… found very sexy… and that would be interested in each other…

I told him this dilemma… he mentioned that we can make up the rules as we go… and we can make this anything we wanted…

Hmm, I liked hearing that… and that opened up a few possibilities for me…

There was something I wanted to do… another item on my ‘fuck-it’ list that my husband was interested in… but only so much… and with great reservation and well… think back to the ‘want you to want to do dishes’. We were there on this too… and it was not worth the work at this point… I didn’t want to have to talk him into it and reassure him that… and then… and well…

I mentioned what I wanted to do… what I wanted to combine if it is possible… I was emotionally tired and just wanted to have something in this part of my life to be easy and fun and not damaging me all the time… so I laid it all out there… this is what I want and if it could happen and if it could show me that what I want mattered to someone… and that they could make it easy and fun and not an emotional trainwreck that hits me… I would appreciate it… I was due for that in my opinion.

My friend agreed. This shouldn’t have been that hard… it shouldn’t have taken as long as it did… and it shouldn’t have been such a hassle as was made… and he would make sure that it happened and it was good. He asked me to let him take the lead with the three of them plus me. All I had to do is say yes or no when he brought something to my attention and he would take care of everything else. He would do all the work in organizing this…

If you know anything about me, that is not the easiest thing for me to do… but you know what… after all the shit this summer and fall brought me… I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to get this to happen. I wanted, no needed someone to take the lead and not drop the ball. I needed someone to keep their word. I needed someone who had the balls to follow through and not lie to me… not manipulate me… not fuck with my head… and he agreed that he needed to make this happen without all the drama that I had been dealt with recently.

I had a few other things happening in my life… work a big one… but also some new friends and new potential playmates and all kinds of other good things distracting me… it was a time of great excitement as long as I focused on the good stuff and let the bad fall away… but let’s be honest… for me… it was a challenge.

I would get some regular updates on the plans as the date grew closer… I was beyond excited… I knew one of the guys was going to be in a cage… I knew he liked to get his ass whipped… and I had to be the one to do the whipping… that was something I was not sure about… paddling was one thing… but I was not sure I could whip him. He shared with me his favorite words of humiliation… what he loved to be denied… and what really turns him on when he is ‘at his lowest’.

We talked a lot about this… a lot. He told me how much disdain he needed to hear to really get the full effect… and if I really wanted to show him who was boss where and how to pinch the tender skin at the base of his balls. He told me that if he is whipped just right… meaning the whip on his ass goes around to actually hit his balls from underneath…

And we had to practice all this… a lot. Apparently, I do have the proper voice and attitude to put him in his place… and if the leaking his cock was constantly doing I was doing something right… and then I had to practice doing it in front of my friend… just saying it in front of him… we did it on zoom… it was fucking weird… and to see how much my friend loved it as he watched it… and how hard he came while I did my part…

We also had the other partner and the sub do this same thing… none of us all in the same place at the same time… we wanted to have everyone feel comfortable with this but not really together at the same time… we wanted that ‘first’ to happen at a later time… but we wanted to feel comfortable since two of them had to travel to get together with us all…

We planned our date… we grabbed two joining hotel rooms… and then we changed our minds and rented a small house… we didn’t want to disturb the other guests as one of the four of us is quite loud when cumming… and it isn’t me… I think that was a brilliant idea… once we secured the house we were able to really look at the events that would lead up to the fun…

The sub had some ideas of what he wanted to do in this particular situation since none of us had ever done this particular thing before in this particular way… we had a few calls in the evening and discussed what we would like to see happen… however, I made them all promise that we would not script anything… we would let what happened happen… and we would only use these calls to open up our minds, be creative, and willing to see what actually happened when we got together.

We had the house from Friday to Sunday. I wasn’t going to be there the whole time… two of the guys would be traveling in from 4 and 6 hours away… the house we rented was just 15 minutes or so from me… I would pop in and the others would be there a bit longer than I would… We had a rule… no one could have sex right before and the sub couldn’t have sex for at least 7 days prior to us meeting. Everyone had to have a STD panel and no sex after the blood was drawn. Condoms would be used of course… and all condoms had to be latex free… no orgasms 36 hours prior to ‘event’ minimum. Since all the guys are single and I am the only married person in the group… I was not allowed to have sex either… and my husband had to agree. All cell phones had to be on silent, no photographs and no videos were allowed. This was not a ‘show’ for others… but us concentrating on each other’s pleasure.

Most of these rules came from the guys… I was okay with them… My husband could listen in if he wanted to make sure I was ‘ok’ during all of this… over the course of the planning stages, my husband got to know the guys rather well and didn’t have a problem with any of them and didn’t know if I would be able to enjoy myself knowing he was listening in… the guys offered to let him watch if he wanted. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to watch… he isn’t really a sit on the sidelines and watch. He decided to pass on that…

We worked out the details of what to eat, what to drink, what to do in between… and they were nice enough to share their recovery times… what they like to do while recovering and the guys took care of all these details… I was promised it would be an incredible time… and speaking of the time… it was going to be a many hour event… They had the details planned where there was time to flirt, time to explore each other… and well… time to humiliate our sub…

As the days got closer… and the moment was about to happen… all I had to do is enjoy myself… well sorta… the flirting between the four of us went down to three of us… the sub wasn’t allowed to flirt but had to watch the flirting happen between the three of us… and he had to be reminded how unworthy he was… and then the flirting went up a notch or 12 between us three… and I swear… knowing what was about to happen… and knowing how it was going to play out… and how long I waited… and how perfect these men were for this to happen… dear God… I only had to squeeze my thighs together and I came and came hard… I couldn’t imagine what it would be like when I was there… and all the things we were going to be doing… I was a hot mess…

I can barely keep my eyes open right now… I am exhausted and oh so sated… I am going to have to end this now and write more tomorrow… and this is a great stopping point… because what happened to start this adventure is so fucking incredible…

Muah Sophia

The Nilla Crush Continues

The recent Thanksgiving holiday was a great opportunity for my Vanilla Crush to miss me. Right before the holiday he sent me a text informing me that he sent an email to me and the rest of the group he trained around Halloween. I responded, “I know, I received it.” He said he wanted to make sure I had. I said thank you and he said “you are welcome.” I made a joke about how polite we both are… he responded by sending me a smiley face. I responded by sending him a kiss in the form of red lips.

The next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. I answered it.

I had seen his name pop up so I answered it “Well hot damn, I am so glad it’s you sweetie.”

He stammered a bit, then he said, “Are you really glad I called?”

I told him of course I was glad he called. I enjoy talking to him. After asking if I was busy and me telling him that I always have time for him… I asked him what he needed. In one of our other conversations he told me that I didn’t need a valid reason to talk to him… I could even come up with silly reasons to talk to him. Silly reasons to talk to a man? Me? Never!!!

So he reminded me that I could talk to him at anytime I wanted. I told him I know. I remember him telling me that… so he asks… why haven’t you called me then?

Hmm, what to say?

I told him that I wanted to talk to him… but I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to talk to me… I mean, really want to talk to me about something not work related… he told me that he would always want to talk to me… I made a few jokes and he said “Seriously, I always enjoying talking to you.”

I joked again that I was blushing.

He stammered again and asked me if I minded him calling. Not at all I said. He asked if I was alone in the office. I was at the time. I told him yes. I asked if I needed to be alone in the office. He said it may be a little easier to talk to me if no one else could hear our conversation.

I asked if I needed to be worried. Was he going to break up with me? I was laughing when I asked that… he asked me if we had anything happening that would require a breakup? I said not yet, but I am optimistic.

He said that is what I wanted to talk about, just what this is and is this something that can go somewhere? I said he can ask me anything. He said “Okay, hopefully I make this awkward.”

He told me that he is in fact attracted to me and he know that I am married. He knows that I said we have an open marriage. He is not sure what exactly that means in general and for him and for me. And my husband. He has some questions and would like to know more about all this.

Some of this we had already talked about so I answered his questions. He asked me if I was attracted to him. Yes. I find him attractive and funny and interesting. He asked me if I wanted to have a relationship with him or just sex. I asked him what he wanted. He then asked me how does this usually go? I told him that the official rule book on vague sexual activities is rather unclear on how this is supposed to go… so we could just wing it and do what feels good. He laughed and said, ‘no seriously, how does this work?’

I had to have some more fun with him… I asked are you unsure how sex work or the ENM part of it? He stammered, “I know how sex works!” I joked, “well, if we need to take it slow and experiment over and over to make sure”… he realized that I was joking again…

I asked him if he is looking for a relationship? He said in general terms, no… but he figured that if we got to know each other more and then had sex it would be like a relationship… I agreed, it would be like a friends style relationship that included sex… but I didn’t know if he wanted to have the label of friendship, relationship or just fuck buddies. We can make that is easy peasy as we want or as formal as we want… it really doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as we want it to be. I would love for it to be simple and fun.

He wants that too. He just isn’t sure of how to go about this…

Really, I don’t either… each person, each situation is so very different.

We talked a bit longer and about other things… like Thanksgiving plans… I had to make a few phone calls and had to go… he asked if he could text me… I said sure, but I hope he didn’t miss me too much.

Today my phone chirps… the text says… “Is it crazy that I missed talking with you so much?” I mentioned that I didn’t actually know he missed me… he said he has wanted to chat with me all week… he kept thinking of reasons to reach out to me but talked himself out of it… worried I would be annoyed.

I told him that I would not have been annoyed. I would have loved to chat with him. He asked why he missed chatting with me so much. He was really trying to get to the bottom on why this is so weird for him. I didn’t know it was ‘so weird’… but it probably because he is interested in a married woman and wouldn’t be cheating but just having fun… and that was something he was trying to wrap his head around.

Yes, that is something he was thinking about… he wanted to understand more about that… That is something that is a bit weird for many who find out that I am ENM… how does this work…

We had to end our chat this morning before we could go into that area too much… but he wants to understand how this works… how this will work for us… and how he will fit into this world…

Before the call ended, he told me that I am constantly on his mind… he can’t wait until we can arrange time to get together… and well… have sex.

Then he asked if it was okay to state that he wanted to have sex with me?

I shocked him when I said “I hope so, I really want to fuck you!”

I guess I come of a lot more professional at work than I thought…

Even when flirting!

Muah Sophia

Last Weekend, Why It Worked

Last weekend we had some friends spend time with us, quite a bit of time getting to know each other and having a lot of fun. We laughed and talked and made out and had sex and did it over and over again. During some of our talks, we learned what it was we wanted from our weekend and our friendship. Amber and I had talked about the amount of time we had to invest in a real friendship being a few states away. What was it going to take to really get to know each other and not have it turn into a lot of work was little lasting reward.

We were able to figure out what we wanted as friends and lovers and partners of lovers. There’s a lot of different roles all thrown together and a lot of navigating if we wanted it to work out. We found that having honest conversations about our expectations and frustrations and what we’re looking for or wanting to avoid really helped us navigate the fun we had over the weekend.

I joked with Amber a lot about having a crush on her and she joked just as much about having a crush on me. What we realized was we enjoyed each other in a very organic and platonic manner. I think that had to come first and it had to be something that both invested in along the way. In the past it always seemed like it was a competition between me and the other wife or girlfriend and initiated by the other wife. I have never felt I need to compete with any other wife or girl friend. To me there is never a reason to compete with the other woman. And I never did.

When Amber and I talked before we met we talked a lot about this need for women to compete with other women. And it always struck me odd that a woman who was already in a relationship with a boyfriend or husband felt the need to compete with the other woman in a swinger situation. Amber and I have both struggled with this issue with women. And it is challenging to know how to navigate or even if it is worth navigating. Personally I choose not to navigate this as a rule. I have changed my swinging habits to be more hall passing and less couple dating.

This was something that I wanted to really look into and pay attention to while in the midst of this weekend of fun to see how this would play out if I set the intention to develop a deeper level friendship with Amber from the get-go. Now this is a lot of work I think on top of trying to get to know the guy I actually want to have sex with and I was not alone in this thought. Amber was also wanting to build a deeper friendship with me to see if this would actually work out in the long-term and not just a once and done even if we hang out with no further sex between the two newly formed couples but rather a rare hall pass.

Most swingers talk about not wanting drama and it is there… and it rears it’s ugly head a lot… and it is often centered around women. Amber asked if she could guest blog on this topic… this is the first of several blog posts from her.

“We have been swinging since 2011 off and on. I have been the instigator more than Mark and I have put the breaks on it quite a few times. Each time I said I was done it was after I dealt with wife drama. I am not willing to put up with this behavior and I don’t. Mark has gone along with my lead because he is aware enough to see what the others are doing. To be honest, it is not always the women pulling this bad behavior. It is both. I have had some of the worst lovers, literally not very good at the actual sex act and that makes for some resistance when having to put up with behavior less than ideal from their spouses.

I have a lot in common with my male partners as they try to get to know me even if the purpose is to get laid. When Sophia and I started communicating she made as much of an effort to communicate with me as I did with her. I did notice that a few times when I didn’t put forth effort in talking with her she backed off some. I reached back out and we resumed our communications. When I backed off, so did Sophia. The 3rd or 4th time that happened I asked her about it… after following her blog and all her forum posts… I got an answer that didn’t surprise me… “most women in swingerville only care about themselves and what they want everyone to do to prove they are worthy to bow down in front of… I have no desire to play that game and don’t… nor do I expect it.”

That was all it took, I found a soul mate in another woman in swinging. She gets it I told Mark. She really gets it. That started a lot of conversation between us… and it allowed me to be a good friend for her during some of the things she has recently blogged about… we realized how our swinging has changed to navigate our bad experiences.

Mark and I really hit it off with Mike and Sophia and we feel it is largely due to the reality of what ENM means to us and the fact we do not approach it in a manic or desperate manner. Mike and Mark love fucking other women, we love fucking other men, but the need to be the top swinger is not there… it’s not about the conquest… it’s truly about enjoying and respecting our partners while getting dirty with them.

I have enjoyed taking the time to get to know Sophia and was surprised how few women do… and how many wives do not like her because she won’t do more than what the other wife/girlfriend is willing to do for her. I realized I behave similarly and as a result I don’t have many female swinger friends. But those I do have are like Sophia, real friends as they have the capacity to be friends.

And that is why our friendship worked… all four of us have the capacity to treat each other with genuine curiosity of who they are and not solely a sex organ to fuck… a conquered profile name… a trophy… or an ego to stroke… or an ass to kiss.

I’m going to share on the next blog what it was like to be with Mike and watching Mark fanboy Sophia. Mike happens to have a beautiful cock and can fuck me in a new favorite way… if ever I could brag on a couple… how they interact with each other… how fun they are… how sex with them is a grand adventure, this would be the couple to do it on, we are hooked.

Muah Sophia and Amber

Oh, These Adventures…

There is something that I enjoy so much about ENM… It largely falls under adventures… having some pretty awesome adventures… and I have been very fortunate to have quite a few. Each adventure provides something good and something to learn… I like having them equally, but not always liking what I learn in the same way… but I always learn something.

When the learning is fun and expands my boundaries in a good way… and our past weekend was one such learning adventure.

I had an opportunity to look at something in the manner in which I swing and ask myself why I choose to swing in this way. Now, I was told something that I knew at face value was a bunch of bullshit… and when I looked at it a bit deeper… yeah, it was a gaslighting move… and my gut was right… but I did due diligence and investigated whether or not what I was ‘accused’ of had merit.

I had some deep conversations about this with several people over the course of the months… and I had emails, screenshots and text and messenger ‘proof’ of what was said. Believe me I spent a great deal of time on these messages… and then I shared them with some other people who could be trusted to be honest and share with me their thoughts on what happened and if I was in the wrong… did I do something that indicated a huge flaw I needed to address in me.

These people – men and women – could be trusted to be brutally honest with me.

And they were.

What was done to me was shitty… was wrong… and they could see why I was hurting so much.

Here is a little about these people… one is a Lesbian who has a wife and a boyfriend, active in the LGBT community, teaches college courses in Emotional Intelligence… and a few other things… one is a psychotherapist who specializes in boundaries, trauma, and marriage and family… one is a former educator in the private schools system and currently works with clients on dealing with trauma and overcoming the denial of trauma… one is a good friend and I have worked with this person for 3 years… one is an educator, equity influencer, and works in media… one just hangs out with us all so that they can feel smarter being in a group of smart folks… but has a special sauce… we just are not sure what it is just yet… One is a transgender lesbian who runs a gay pride organization…

None of them hold back anything…

They have been with me on the highs and the lows of this ‘summer’s fun and fall heartbreak.’

In addition to these lovely people… there have been some swingers and some hall passers… and some couples that we have been getting to know…

To say I was damaged by what happened is an understatement.

And this is a hard blow for me because I pride myself on being strong. Being smart. Being…

And well… I am also loving… and open… and caring… and apparently vulnerable… and…

Several weeks ago I asked for help because I needed to be done with this… it was obvious that I was nothing to him… I strongly doubt I really ever mattered to him… I strongly believe I was fed a line or several and I took them hook, line, and sinker…

Someone who loves another person does not treat them in the manner in which I was treated.

I shared this statement to the group and they agreed. If he did have feelings for me, he would not have treated me this way… swinger/poly/whatever didn’t play into this… his treatment of me showed me how little I mattered.

That day… we were all in the studio and I heard that said in a loving but blunt way several times over…

They shared words of affirmation but it didn’t change what I was hearing…

I knew what I felt… but that was not enough…

And I sat there not saying anything… not crying… not really responding at all…

They all waited to see what my response would be…

Every single ‘worst thing a person could think about herself’ message came through my mind… I had it on repeat… I couldn’t get it off repeat… it was horrible… everything he said that meant anything to me was all a lie… I was unworthy of love… he was just playing me for a fool… why would he love me… all that bullshit played through my mind. I mean, if he really cared for me at all… would he do some of the things he did and say and posted? No. Unless of course he is just that fucked up and has more issues than I noticed and beyond any hope of being a good person… a really good person who has a heart and can show compassion and not treat people they way he treated me… and yeah… holding out hope on that one seems silly…

I was told I needed to tell them what I was thinking… I was scaring them…

I told them I have gone through all the stages of grief… some I stayed in a while… some I went back and forth on… I was broken by him. I shared with him how no matter how hard I tried to hate him, I just can’t. I go back and forth being loving him and feeling sorry for him… and more often than not, I really feel a lot of pity for him.

They shared their advice… they offered comfort, they offered another alcoholic beverage… they laughed, they cried, they offered suggestions on what I needed to do to get over him.

I have worked very hard on getting over him. I was told that when I can call his bullshit out and not feel bad I called out his bullshit… and I didn’t actually have to call it out to him where he could see or hear it… I just needed to call his shit out… but when I got to that point…

I hid his wall posts from showing up on our wall and that has brought me great peace. My heart is good with that… I have not checked on what he has posted once…

Not seeing who he is meeting up with, flirting with, or any of that other stuff has helped a lot… I looked at why I didn’t want to see his ‘stuff’ and here is the bottom line… he is not allowed to or has no desire to communicate with me in anyway… all communication has been cut off… it is apparent that we cannot meet up again… have sex again… fuck, we can’t even communicate on the forums… it is all a bunch of petty little games… and if I can’t communicate with him, why do I want to see all the people he has permission to talk to or a desire to talk too?

I am no longer on that list…

I am no longer able to be his friend… his playmate… his lover… a friend to text… or whatever…

And let’s be really honest here… not even being his friend is what hurts the worst… I feel like I was repeatedly lied to about how he felt about me.

And this is where I have moved towards… being rather important to him to being NOTHING to him.

I have been enjoying some communication with others who can in fact communicate with me… who want to communicate with me… and enjoy communicating with me… and can be honest in their communication with me… something he rarely was with me… honest in communication.

When I look at ALL THIS… and then ask myself why I am still hurting because of how he treated/treats me… and when I look at the possibility that all he did was lied to me about how he felt about me…

WHY am I struggling with this?

I mean… besides the obvious… I really felt something for him…

And then I remembered something I had read a few weeks back… When you no longer cry when thinking of someone it is because you are healed…

This past weekend and the vanilla guy I am enjoying ‘getting’ to know better… and the other couples we are getting to know and the guys that I hall pass with that are wanting to resume after the holidays… I have to wonder why I am letting him affect me this much.

As I wrote this entire post… thinking back at all the good times I have had with others… and the pain I have had with him… I was happily surprised that I did not cry once…

My eyes did not water…

My heart was not heavy and feeling pain…

And I have to give credit to the my tribe of badass women and the men who let me know I am important to them… no matter the role I have in their lives… I am important to them… And I am so thankful I had the opportunity to feel the love and loss… I am a better person for it…

I was told to share what I really need to tell him…

Here it is… for healing sake…

I loved you with a pure and whole love… I gave my love to you fully and without reservation. If given a chance to do it again… I would struggle with that answer… because when you showed me you loved me… it was beautiful. However, the pain you caused for no reason other than to play games with the truth, my affections, and your ego… that hurt and was unnecessary. A little honesty and emotional intelligence would go a long way… I did not deserve how you treated me… or how she treated me… My hope and prayer is that you both can see how you treated me and how damaging that is… it is hard to claim to be good and loving people when you treat everyone in a tit-for-tat manner… or have to hurt each other to get your way… or demand others to fix your own issues… or any of the other things that were written in emails, text messages and the like… My prayer is that you both can heal before you cause others the same damage you caused me.

And as I finish this post… I have to write how I am feeling… I feel light… like a huge weight is off of my shoulders… and my heart. I am feeling excited to move on to other adventures and put this experience behind me… yet… I have to acknowledge that I feel fortunate to have had this experience…

My tribe of badass women have given their seal of approval to this post… I wish I had done this a lot sooner. I feel whole again.

Muah Sophia

And This Is Why We Are ENM

In August of this year I headed off to Denver… and no, I am not going to be talking about that part of the trip… but when I originally started to plan the trip, there was a few days that I would have some time to meet up with others in the area. I had started communicating with a bunch of folks… some I knew from the forums and other ways on Kasidie and others I had just ‘met’ through the posting of my travel plans.

As the days were counting down to my departure on this adventure, my plans changed and I chose a different plan… whether that plan was a good one or not… I still enjoyed the opportunity to get to know some other folks and single men… and in that opportunity some friendships have developed.

I had some plans in motion that I chose to put on hold… but I was able to continue to build deeper connections with them… and a large percentage of them understood my decision to put off meeting them… and a good number of them turned into other opportunities to meet… some are still waiting for the trip date to happen…

But thank goodness for the airline that is 7 minutes from my home and rather inexpensive… $70 for a trip to or from Denver… yes, please! I am so excited because this has in fact allowed us to be on the receiving end of travel from Denver and plan some awesome trips to Denver. Next month can’t come soon enough…

This weekend we had one couple that I was going to meet for at least a breakfast while in Denver… but chose not to… they understood and they continued to get to know not only me but Mike… We met her when she was traveling to our area for work… had a great dinner with her… very vanilla that trip… they do not hall pass… but she could meet us for dinner and drinks to see if coming back with him was a plan… and it was.

We hit it off so well… Amber and I have so much in common… a lot of similar personality and quirks… Mike amped up his flirting game… and good thing too… the whole night was sexy banter and lots of flirting. We found a lot that we had in common and as I truly love… we had a lot we didn’t have in common… it is a good thing as there was much we could learn about each other and about how we can compliment each other…

I really wanted to get to know Mark better, but we couldn’t do more than text, email, and talk on the phone at this time… but after we met Amber…

Mark was jealous after talking with Amber about her dinner… in a good way… he wanted to hurry up and meet us after hearing what Amber had to say… we upped our flirting and chatting and by chatting I mean… we talked on the phone a lot. I can’t tell you how much I miss that in this ENM/swinging stuff… Amber and I started talking 3 or 4 times a week… we would chat on our commutes home… granted, my commute started earlier than hers… but she was usually running out of steam at that time of the afternoon… and by the time she was on her way home… and with Mike working nights… it gave me something to do… it was a great way to bond…

Mark and I talked on the phone less often than Amber and I… his conversations were quick and often dirty… and boy do I like that…

Mark and Mike are guys… so they didn’t talk on the phone… but if Mark called when Mike was home we put it on speaker phone… they said a few things and then we chatted some more…

And after a month of this… they pushed up the date that they were going to come here… can I get an AMEN!

Amber travels to this area often for business… and by this area I mean NC, SC, GA, TN and VA… most of those locations are rather close by… a few hours… so on one of her trips she was taking to our local area they arranged extra time off and…

They arrived on Wednesday and I was able to meet him and Amber for dinner… hubby was working… and missed them… but fuck… I was so excited to meet the both at the same time… finally…

Dinner was a blast… I have not laughed so hard in such a long time… Mark is funnier in person… he has a big personality and vibrant eyes… He is sweet and funny… he has a generous heart and is six foot tall… I loved being able to wear heels and still looked up and went on my toes when we kissed…

Good God that man can kiss… Amber and I chose the restaurant we ate at because we could get away with some rather flamboyant behavior and no one would bat an eye… Mike and I have done things like this before in the city and luckily no one who knows me saw me… well, no one that would think twice about it…

Amber and I wore little black dresses… we had our heels on… make-up looking damn good… the air was nippy and so were our titties… Amber and I made out a little bit… Mark and I made out a little bit… Amber and Mark made out… and our neighboring tables enjoyed the show… we kept it mild for Mike’s sake as he wasn’t there… but he did enjoy the pictures…

Thursday and during the day Friday was committed to work… Both Amber and I had to work… and so did Mike… but come Friday evening… Mike was able to switch his schedule and be available earlier than we hoped he could… and finally… all four of us were together…

Months of chatting and flirting and sharing pictures… and talking about plans for the weekend… here… now… thank God.

They arrived at our home about 4:30 pm… before Mike arrived home from work… they had their luggage… yep, they checked out of the hotel and headed to our house… conserve time and energy was the decision… saved a few bucks… as if those were really the reasons they checked out of their hotel… truth is… we were going to have the house to ourselves as our son was out of town… with a little encouragement from us… and when the kid is away… the parents will play takes on a whole new and fun meaning.

We were going to grab some drinks and dinner as we all got to ‘know’ each other in the same location… So far, Mark and Mike hadn’t met… in person… but it was almost time…

Us girls were in the bathroom getting ‘pretty’ for our night out… what the boys didn’t know… my shower was no longer just me taking a shower… Amber joined me… after some making out… some orgasms… testing the firmness of the suction the dildo had on the shower wall… well… we got all prettied up…

The guys met each other… shared a local craft beer and Mike went to shower… he comes out of the shower and Amber is waiting there on the bathroom floor on her knees… Mouth and hands ready to say ‘hi’ to Mike…

Our plans were happily diverted and we all had to take a shower or another shower depending… before we could head out for fun… and dinner…

Dinner was a blast… went to a club… listened to music… flirted… made out with each other and then decided to head to a strip club…

We made it back home later in the early morning hours… and paired off… Mark and I in one room… Amber and Mike in the other… and we have stayed paired in that manner all weekend…

Oh, believe me… we have separated a bit throughout the weekend… sorta… there is a lot of partner changing happening… but Mark has been focusing a lot on pleasing me… and me on him… while Mike and Amber are enjoying the opportunity to focus on each other… Mike and I so love it when this happens… it was what we thought these escapades were supposed to be like… and we really love it when we find other couples who believe this too…

Sunday morning I was up early… always an early morning girl… and I was laying there next to Mark as he was sleeping… and my heart felt full… and happy… and as I was laying there, Mark snuggled up even closer to me… wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer… and I was thinking how sweet… thinking he had no idea who he was snuggled with… just an autopilot snuggle… he says to me… “best idea ever Sophia”. Except, he used my real name… I asked him, ‘What idea is that?’

We had been talking the night before about how much we have in common, how much fun we have, how often we can travel to Denver and them to Asheville… and planned a trip together to enjoy a bourbon tour or several and the super bowl that same weekend in Kentucky… and we have a week planned together around the end of the year/first few days of the year… yep… our tickets are purchased and days requested off… well, for one of us… the other three have more flexibility in that area… thank goodness…

The idea he was talking about was discussed before they arrived, I mentioned that I love it when meeting with a couple that the focus is not on them as a couple and us as a couple and staying on our individual sides of the table and then suddenly when it is decided to play that we change up sides… you know… like focusing on who will be my date and Mike on his date…

This is what they love too… they enjoy being able to flirt with their upcoming partner and they know that the flirting and focus does not diminish their/our primary relationship… yada, yada, yada…

Can I tell you how fucking happy that makes me… someone, or in this case two someones who get it…

So this idea I had… that he loves… and as it turns out… so does Amber and Mike… when the four of us are together… and we have so many trips planned already… we split up as ‘new couples’… like we have done this entire weekend… and just enjoy our new ‘coupleship’ and our spouses and the other woman/man as we want… but with the understanding that even though all my attention is on Mark this weekend… no one is going without or less than…

Mark punctuated this statement with sliding his cock between my thighs from behind… sleepily pumping and tweaking my nipples… whispering in a sleepy voice all the things he loves about this weekend and me… and I am thinking I am this is such a good thing and what I thought this was supposed to be about when we began in 2013…

As Sunday turned into Monday morning and we had another easy morning… can I tell you how much I love working primarily from home and Mike working later in the afternoon… it made this morning so much more fun… we had a big breakfast the four of us… some individual sex… some group sex… a shower or two… and time to snuggle and nap… and then they headed off to their next destination 4 hours away for her work… she was already missing Mike… and I was missing Mark… but dear Lord… my pussy needed a break…

And as I mentioned in the beginning… it was a good thing I wasn’t able to meet them alone on my first trip to Denver… this weekend was the best one I have every had with another couple…

Mike and I feel rather fortunate that this goodness happened to us now… we are ready for something like this… something easy… good… fun… and full of sexy release. It has been a challenging summer and we are so ready to get back to having fun with other couples… and a nice surprise happened… the more we opened up to having fun with them for a long weekend… and planning a week trip and a long weekend trip… we found how much we missed this… finding a couple who can handle being a part of a new couple dynamic without drama… It is something more than swinging… less than poly… and so much more fun… I am loving it… I guess what they mean when they say ‘what you need finds you when you need it most’ is true in this case. I needed something fun and easy… and man, I got it in spades…

I can’t wait until our trip to Denver in December! My pussy is eagerly waiting until he fucks me again!

Muah Sophia