Tag Archives: flirting

The Nilla Crush Continues

The recent Thanksgiving holiday was a great opportunity for my Vanilla Crush to miss me. Right before the holiday he sent me a text informing me that he sent an email to me and the rest of the group he trained around Halloween. I responded, “I know, I received it.” He said he wanted to make sure I had. I said thank you and he said “you are welcome.” I made a joke about how polite we both are… he responded by sending me a smiley face. I responded by sending him a kiss in the form of red lips.

The next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. I answered it.

I had seen his name pop up so I answered it “Well hot damn, I am so glad it’s you sweetie.”

He stammered a bit, then he said, “Are you really glad I called?”

I told him of course I was glad he called. I enjoy talking to him. After asking if I was busy and me telling him that I always have time for him… I asked him what he needed. In one of our other conversations he told me that I didn’t need a valid reason to talk to him… I could even come up with silly reasons to talk to him. Silly reasons to talk to a man? Me? Never!!!

So he reminded me that I could talk to him at anytime I wanted. I told him I know. I remember him telling me that… so he asks… why haven’t you called me then?

Hmm, what to say?

I told him that I wanted to talk to him… but I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to talk to me… I mean, really want to talk to me about something not work related… he told me that he would always want to talk to me… I made a few jokes and he said “Seriously, I always enjoying talking to you.”

I joked again that I was blushing.

He stammered again and asked me if I minded him calling. Not at all I said. He asked if I was alone in the office. I was at the time. I told him yes. I asked if I needed to be alone in the office. He said it may be a little easier to talk to me if no one else could hear our conversation.

I asked if I needed to be worried. Was he going to break up with me? I was laughing when I asked that… he asked me if we had anything happening that would require a breakup? I said not yet, but I am optimistic.

He said that is what I wanted to talk about, just what this is and is this something that can go somewhere? I said he can ask me anything. He said “Okay, hopefully I make this awkward.”

He told me that he is in fact attracted to me and he know that I am married. He knows that I said we have an open marriage. He is not sure what exactly that means in general and for him and for me. And my husband. He has some questions and would like to know more about all this.

Some of this we had already talked about so I answered his questions. He asked me if I was attracted to him. Yes. I find him attractive and funny and interesting. He asked me if I wanted to have a relationship with him or just sex. I asked him what he wanted. He then asked me how does this usually go? I told him that the official rule book on vague sexual activities is rather unclear on how this is supposed to go… so we could just wing it and do what feels good. He laughed and said, ‘no seriously, how does this work?’

I had to have some more fun with him… I asked are you unsure how sex work or the ENM part of it? He stammered, “I know how sex works!” I joked, “well, if we need to take it slow and experiment over and over to make sure”… he realized that I was joking again…

I asked him if he is looking for a relationship? He said in general terms, no… but he figured that if we got to know each other more and then had sex it would be like a relationship… I agreed, it would be like a friends style relationship that included sex… but I didn’t know if he wanted to have the label of friendship, relationship or just fuck buddies. We can make that is easy peasy as we want or as formal as we want… it really doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as we want it to be. I would love for it to be simple and fun.

He wants that too. He just isn’t sure of how to go about this…

Really, I don’t either… each person, each situation is so very different.

We talked a bit longer and about other things… like Thanksgiving plans… I had to make a few phone calls and had to go… he asked if he could text me… I said sure, but I hope he didn’t miss me too much.

Today my phone chirps… the text says… “Is it crazy that I missed talking with you so much?” I mentioned that I didn’t actually know he missed me… he said he has wanted to chat with me all week… he kept thinking of reasons to reach out to me but talked himself out of it… worried I would be annoyed.

I told him that I would not have been annoyed. I would have loved to chat with him. He asked why he missed chatting with me so much. He was really trying to get to the bottom on why this is so weird for him. I didn’t know it was ‘so weird’… but it probably because he is interested in a married woman and wouldn’t be cheating but just having fun… and that was something he was trying to wrap his head around.

Yes, that is something he was thinking about… he wanted to understand more about that… That is something that is a bit weird for many who find out that I am ENM… how does this work…

We had to end our chat this morning before we could go into that area too much… but he wants to understand how this works… how this will work for us… and how he will fit into this world…

Before the call ended, he told me that I am constantly on his mind… he can’t wait until we can arrange time to get together… and well… have sex.

Then he asked if it was okay to state that he wanted to have sex with me?

I shocked him when I said “I hope so, I really want to fuck you!”

I guess I come of a lot more professional at work than I thought…

Even when flirting!

Muah Sophia

A Vanilla Man’s Crush

For the last few months there has been someone who I believe is not a swinger who apparently has a crush on me. I didn’t notice he had a crush on me at first because I had just met him… the first conversation we had was a phone call and it was for work… so I didn’t think it was all that flirty… but then again I am often flirty to everyone without really thinking about it being flirty.

Anyways, this was in early August and I was having to work with him on building a training program for our new program… and the phone call was rather interesting as he is a bit dry when walking with him that first time… then we met in person at the studio.

He sat next to me as we were training the trainer… all very innocent I believed. I laughed as I usually do… and joked… and then I noticed he enjoyed long conversations with me that were quite engaging… the others in the room were like… “umm, what the fuck?” I guess they never saw him flirt with anyone… ever…

The belief was that he was just in a weird mood… an off day or something… something had to be in retrograde because this was not normal behavior for him.

Me, I just thought it was normal behavior not knowing anything different.

Then I would get ‘business’ calls asking for help on the training program…

And then emails asking how late he could give me a call… about the training programs…

And the calls never ended quickly…

And we covered a lot of ‘business’ topics with a few flirty comments that could be taken… differently than just work.

Again, I didn’t think much of it as this is normal for me.

Then someone who knew him for a number of years commented after hearing him and I on the phone before his workshop he was leading (the reason for me to be working with him) laughing and joking and out-and-out flirting… and they could not believe what they were hearing… this guy was out and out flirting with me.

The next day was not only Halloween but his workshop he was leading and he asked me when I was going to be there… a perfectly normal question since I am coordinating the training. Or so I thought. He asked me if was going to wear a costume for Halloween… I said nope… he said darn… and then he arrived at the training location.

And he flirted big time while we were setting up… found all kinds of reasons to touch my arm… all kinds of reasons to say my name… all kinds of reasons to laugh… and then…

A coworker was by the door and watched a lot of this play out and she had been party to some of the other conversations like the phone calls and in person flirting before… and she just stood there laughing… she knows I am ENM and was enjoying it play out in front of her…

My flirting was on this side of business-ish… and didn’t cross the line… and yet, his got bolder… and he is not that type of man usually…

She walks in and says hi to us… and he never stopped flirting with me… she figured he would…

During the training he flirted with me and was far more outgoing to the others than he usually is… she laughed her ass off…

After the workshop, he waited to walk me to my car… it was so cute…

The next week, his second part of the workshop took place and he acted the very same as he did with me prior… it was so cute… and I mentioned my husband in conversation many times and he never skipped a beat in his flirting… my coworker was shocked to put it mildly.

After that second week we wouldn’t have as many opportunities for communication outside of running into him randomly in the community. He sent me an email… I responded and it was work related… but I added a few lines of what could be innuendos… mostly talking about how I am going to go through some withdrawals of not talking to him or seeing him as we have little reason too…

He picked up on those little innuendos and commented on how he didn’t want to be party to me suffering withdrawals… and has come up with reasons to communicate with me…

Last night at an event in the community that our company was producing, he was there. He said hi to me… and because I was on my way to the other side of the room to take care of something, I couldn’t spend much time talking with him… I was able to touch his arm in an affectionate manner… and he grabbed my hand that was on his arm and held it briefly…

Throughout the rest of the evening I would look his way and he was watching me… made eye contact with me… and it was so sweet…

This morning he sent an email telling me how good it was to see me… and how he is hoping we can work on something that is not going to happen for a few months… he asked if he could give me a quick phone call… to discuss a timeline…

During this phone call… we barely discussed the project he wants to work on with me… we did however talk about my withdrawal symptoms… I laughed and joked about the withdrawals being worse since we didn’t really get to talk last night…

The conversation took an interesting turn… again… not so much talking about the project… but how we needed to get together… and as an afterthought… for the project…

I joked with him and said “If I didn’t know better, I would think you have a crush on me.”

He got silent…

Right before I became awkwardly so… I told him “It is okay if you do have a crush on me.”

He nervously laughed…

I said, “If you did have a crush on me and if you did admit to me that you have a crush on me, I could probably admit to you that I have a bit of a crush on you.”

I heard him let out a big breath…

Still no words from him.

“Do you want me to let you know that if you have a crush on me… and if I have a crush on you… my husband won’t mind?”

Dead silence.

I didn’t say anything until after he did.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Why won’t he mind?”

I explained to him that we are ENM and all about hall passing… and all about some of the fun we could have… and with my husband being all right about it…

He then said the sweetest thing ever…

“When I realized I had a crush on you I figured it would go nowhere. Now that there is a possibility to do something about this crush it changes things… I mean… we could grab a drink… grab dinner…”

He pauses for a while… I let the silence linger.

“I could kiss you. I mean if you wanted me to, I could kiss you…”

He is quiet again and then he whispers… “We could have sex.”

“Yes we can… grab a drink, dinner, kiss… and have sex” I say…

He is quiet again… I do believe this is his true personality… introverted and quiet as he thinks about things deeply…

“I really never thought this would be a possibility to even consider seriously. I just figured it was a fantasy that would remain unfulfilled. This is blowing my mind. I could actually kiss you.”

Now, that is so very sweet… that kissing me is something he has been thinking about in regards to me… I loved it…

A coworker arrived at the studio and I had to end the call… he promised he would reach out to me after he has some time to process this… and that he can’t believe that he can kiss me…

He could hear the coworker on her phone and said he would let me go… I gave him one last thing to think about before I let him go…

“You do know that you can do more than just kiss me right?”

He groans one of those sexy groans men do… “You are killing me, you know that don’t you…”

I made a kissy sound and said “Bye” laughing as I hung up.

Guess who decided to come to today’s training class… just to check it out as it had been a while since he been to one…

Yep… him.

And guess where he sat?

Yep… right next to me… on my right as we faced the front of the classroom he was sorta behind me…

Every once in a while his leg would brush mine…

He would touch my arm to ask me a question or make a comment…

It was like we were in high school… the room was dark so we could see the slides the presenter had…

Fuck, my nipple were hard the whole two hours…

I needed to gain some composure a few times when he would lean forward a bit and whisper in my ear shit that was utter nonsense and only being said to torture me… He definitely had the upper hand at that moment…

I was thrilled when I gained it back a few moments later…

I wrote a little note to him… I may have mentioned how much I want to kiss him… and just exactly where I wanted to kiss him… not just on his mouth… but yeah, I wanted to start there and then… as I moved down his mouth and his neck… BTW… is there any place on his neck or chest that brings him pleasure… and went into some great detail of how we could find out just what areas are most sensitive… and then I wondered if the tip of his cock was sensitive all the time or more so after he cums… and how maybe I should take my time and find out just where and how sensitive…

And you get the drift…

He was hard in no time.

He shifted a few time in his seat… and then told me to stop smirking… he was being tortured and there is nothing funny about it…

Oh, I am going to have so much fun with him…

Happy, Happy, Happy…

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 7 Pre-Date Communication

In the last post, I asked if you had received an email that was well thought out and asked to meet on such and such day, time and place… would you meet them? Yes, a lot of it hinges on whether or not you find the person attractive, have chemistry… etc… but do you ever just think, what would it hurt to go have dinner and play darts and if nothing but a good time vanilla style happens… what would it hurt to go?

A lot of time swingers say this but do not mean this… they want to have friends, they want to hang out with other swingers… but often, swingers find reasons to say no or probably not…

Yes, there are times when the offer to meet at 10 am today comes at 9 am that morning… and like, yeah, call a hooker for a good time not me… I am not talking about that… I am talking about the assertive swinger asking you to hang out with them, no strings attached just to have some dinner and play darts or whatever vanilla activity available.

Often swingers do not because they have not laid out all their conditions, weighed all the pros and cons, or otherwise talked themselves into just meeting people.

This is very often conveyed in hidden messages throughout their communication to the other person… and then there is a high number of flaking out on people…

But before I go into to much detail on that… I want to share with you a series of emails I received recently… like in the last 2 days. I kid you not… these are real. Let’s see if you have the same reaction as me…

This starts October 22, 2016. I was in the midst of a very busy month of traveling for work… I receive an email from a single male that  “love to chat and see pics… I am up your way a lot” (No capital letters or punctuation.)

I must have opened the email and did not respond. I say this for two reasons… no mail history showing me I responded and I received this email Friday…

“Just curious why u never replied. Did I say something wrong or you did not like my profile. Sorry just thought we would all hit it off”

I replied – and believe me I am surprised I replied – see, the first email was kinda, well, typical stupid swinger shit email… but I was in the back seat while my oldest was taking us to dinner and it was either reply to the email or see all the near misses he was making while driving us… but he knows that city much better than us… So I replied despite his email being incredibly stupid… wanna chat and share pics… yeah, that is a fucking thrill for me… NOT!

So I replied “I don’t remember the email. Can’t say I read it. I was traveling most of October, November and the first part of December.”

Yeah, not a lot of warm fuzzy here….

He replies “Well I am [name] a fun 40’s australian male in greenville a lot for business. love to chat”

Well, I am only human… I love accents and one of my favorite is Australian… so, I thought what the hell…

“I opened some pictures for you. Hope you like them. Sophia”

He replies 100% fantastic… I would to become regular play friends… Your nipples are to die for… I would love sucking them as you cum while my cock is deep inside you and husband is watching us… MMMM I am [name]. Lets meet up and have some fun.”

Not to bad of a reply… not stellar by any means, but not to bad…

A second email comes immediately following that one from him…

“I can’t stop masturbating over your pics.”

I took a day to respond to that one… I means seriously, how on earth am I supposed to respond…

“Glad you like the pictures. It appears you do quite well.”

Not sure we will meet… It appears he doesn’t really need to meet me… he can’t stop masturbating over my pictures.

I know I said that I like knowing guys jack off while we are chatting or reading my blog or seeing my pictures… but could that not be one of the first things you say to me… that borders on creepy… could we at least have a sexy conversation?

And I put this in this post at this time because I said that often people will find reasons not to meet. And while this is true… sometimes the emails and pre-date communication leave a person no choice in deciding not to meet.

That is why you have to be careful… this single male takes the lead (+1), he is Australian (+10), he has follow up, almost 3 months later, but still (+2), he falls under the term attractive (+5). So on a randomly decided scale of 1 – 20 (and this is not highly scientific at all since I made it up as I am writing it… he has 18… then he writes that he will fuck me while hubby watches, (-10) and then a solo email about how he can’t stop masturbating (-10)… he is now on this imaginary, made up for the purpose of this post… -2 points. His accent may not be enough to compensate to make it to in person meeting.

I mention all this because, well, if you make it past the initial communication to a point where someone will engage you and more than just to send an email stating you aren’t good enough and you get this form letter…

Don’t fuck it up with the pre-date communication.

So many people do… and I am not the only one who says this… believe me, I am not the only one who says this… many are looking for reasons to say no… Me, I like to fuck so I am looking for reasons to keep saying YES PLEASE!

And yet, there are many who will fuck it up. Seriously fuck it up…

Think about it… couple dates are blind dates. Going into a party or club is a blind date… you don’t really know what to expect from that person… you think you are getting to see someone you ‘know’ because you skyped, kiked, called, emailed, texted… whatever you all did… and you think, damn… I am excited this person is cool, hot, neat, nice, whatever…

And then you arrive… and you meet them… and sometimes it is awesome… and sometimes… well, I will let you answer that…

But sometimes if all signs point to all things being good…. and then they fuck it up…

How do they fuck it up you ask?

The most common manner is going to far in what they say… Like, “I can’t stop masturbating to your pictures”.

Or being honest about, well too honest about something like a really weird to most people fetish…

I had one person want to meet me for a play date… and he kept telling me that I had to wear dark red lipstick. I don’t wear dark red lipstick. I have never worn dark red lipstick. I most likely won’t wear dark red lipstick. He also wanted me to have long nails. Well, I can’t stand fake nails so if my nails happen to break, I won’t have long nails… Not that I keep them really long anyways… they are sorta long… but not long… and then he wanted to put lipstick on my nipples… and cover me in baby oil…

Seriously, what the fuck? Sorry, I couldn’t even use the WTF…

Does he not know how much of a mess that is? Or even bother to ask me if I wanted to wear dark red lipstick, make sure I have long nails, and be happy with oil and lipstick stains all over everything? Nope, it was all about him…

Those damn nipples of mine… it appears they are the siren call of weirdos… LOL.

But there are others who decide to confess all kinds of thoughts to me… like how excited they are to meet me… and they want to fuck Sophia and not me (insert my real name there…. let’s say I am Isabella)… They want to fuck Sophia not Isabella… I ask them, do you not realize my name is not really Sophia… I really am Isabella and when I write, I am writing as Isabella and just sign Sophia just the same as someone with the profile name ‘fuxalot’ would sign it “Mrs Fuxalot”? Nope, they want to fuck Sophia… Lunatic Warning often goes off…

Or those who pay you a compliment hidden in a dig… really, you think I want to fuck you after you hand me a dig… I may continue to talk with you, but you are off the fuck list…

Or those who….

You get the picture… there are a lot of things you can do that can make someone who is excited about meeting you feel lukewarm.

And if you have been swinging more than a few months and you have had more than a few dates that haven’t gone anywhere… you get an idea of the person you want to fuck based on how they communicate with you… where you would be able to determine just by how easy ‘written communication’ goes that verbal communication and sexual communication will be just as good… I mean, after so many years and play mates… you can tell just how well it will go by the early communication… Well, I can say that is very true for me… I know (I am a big fan of listening to my gut) who I will hit it off very well… and because I communicate with people all over the US due to forum participation, this blog and other sources of introduction to others… as well as those somewhat local… And because this is something I have long done with the vanilla folks I know… I can tell when I am going to hit it off well with someone – male or female… and am usually spot on… until they do something rather stupid… often in the moment of insecurity, craziness, or otherwise momentary lapse of whatever good sense they had…

Seriously had people do things in a moment of social awkwardness or more accurately their often displayed social awkwardness came out directed at me…

In one of the previous posts, I talked about the six key indicators of social awkwardness… one of them was saying something that was not intended…

I am one of those people who will give you a second chance if you demonstrate social awkwardness… As evidenced by the email sequence above and the previous ones that were shared about that one guy that waited almost 4 years to fuck me (and yes, that is a good thought for my ego…lol).

I will give people a second and third chance, but sometimes I get tired of doing it… I know not everyone is perfect… and I am not saying I am perfect… Nope, I know for a fact I am as far from perfect as I can be… I make mistakes… when I write some of them on the blog… I share my imperfections with you all… I am constantly trying to improve myself… not for you or anyone else… but for myself. I want to be better at communication. I want to be better at being open with others. I want to be more forgiving of others. I want to have more patience… and I am pretty good at those things already… (hubby’s opinion on these don’t count as he is one that works my patience the most… and after nearly 28 years together… he has too much history to be objective on how awesome I am… Just having fun there… he reads this blog all the time… but he can definitely see why I write some of the stuff I do… LOL).

But what I am saying is this… if you want to meet someone and hope that they will want to fuck you… then you have to watch your pre-date communication. Seriously think before you speak or type… I AM SO SERIOUS.

There was a party guest that was very excited about the party… very excited about meeting us… then this party guest said something that really put cold water on any happy, want to fuck you feelings we had (purposely being vague on the sex of the party goer and which one of us it affected)… but when they arrived, they had no idea that neither of us had any intention of having sex with them… We welcomed them into our home and made them feel welcomed. But they were on the no fuck list. We did not fuck them. They asked if we wanted to meet them at another time since we were busy at the party to fuck them. We were busy being hosts and playing with others… You know that old saying “Let’s do lunch” but means, yeah, I am not going to tell you there is no chance in hell… yeah, we did the swinger version… ‘let’s plan a date’. As we venture on two years after that party… they are still waiting for the date…

If you suffer from social awkwardness and you have felt the affects of how your social awkwardness comes back on you – you know, no one likes to chat with you, meet with you, respond to your communication, or fuck you… you have to be the one who changes. Even people who want to fuck you will have trouble giving you a bunch of chances to fix it…

I know I am sharing with you some ‘awkward’ topics in this series… I know that some of this may be fun to read and fun to improve on… and some of it may be upsetting (got some feedback that demonstrates how upset they are that I am telling them they are no good (still looking to see where I said that… haven’t found it). But here is the thing. It is your social awkwardness. Not mine. It is not my responsibility to point out to you – ‘hey buddy, you got you some bad social awkwardness going on… wanna change it so we can fuck’ doesn’t really go over very good.

But here is the thing, if anything I wrote pissed you off… that is your brain telling you this applied to you… you are suffering from social awkwardness in that particular area. Your brain is sending that message… I am only the catalyst of your brain recognizing what is not working so well…

Believe me… I have my own issues… I work on them… and that is the important thing to remember… you can get mad at me about what I say, but it doesn’t change the fact that if I am saying it… other may be thinking it… the only one in denial about your social awkwardness is you. The rest of us are either putting up with it or having nothing to do with you because of it…

That is the thing about social awkwardness you need to remember… everyone has some type of social awkwardness and most people work on it… a lot. And swingers have to understand that it may be the reason you are not getting laid as often as you want when you send emails, make initial contact, or try to arrange a date… or even if people meet you and then they don’t want to fuck you…

It is hard to ask yourself this question “Where did I fuck up?” rather than thinking, “they just don’t know what they are missing.” They do know what they are missing… they are missing the person who is so shy they can’t communicate and can’t build interest or chemistry. They are missing the person who can’t flirt with shit and can’t build interest, chemistry or desire. They are missing the person who can’t read before hitting enter and think about the back handed compliment (dig) or saying something so off the wall that it is scary or so far from what they like or being so honest that they are hurtful.

If your swinging adventure is not going as you like… then ask yourself, what do you need to do to improve your game?

Then fucking do something about it…

Muah Sophia

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 4 Sexting

I have talked about this in a few other posts, but not in the manner in which it falls within social awkwardness. A number of folks say they are not good at it… and some people truly aren’t… but it is not because they are not creative enough to sext… or that they don’t know how to sext… but more often they either lack confidence in what to ‘sext’ or they don’t pay attention to the clues.

Well, before I go any further… I think of sexting as any form of written naughty talk… whether on IM, chat, email, text, KIK or whatever else format you have…

I am going to give an example of something that happens all too often to me… I am on chat or I receive an email from someone and we begin talking. In the swinging world, this is commonly seen as the introduction to the other person. The first impression… and the first impression is the impression that will last, no matter how you improve your ‘first impression’. But they don’t listen to what I am telling them. They simply ignore what I say and do something I specifically stated I didn’t care for…

But before we go there…

Let’s say you claim you suck at introduction emails or chats… I will say, you probably do if you claim it… you live it… but anyways, you claim you suck at introduction emails or chats and you picked for whatever reason, one template to use. Not that this template is very successful, but you lack the skill necessary to communicate in a more authentic manner – ‘know your audience’ is a favorite saying of mine… I bet you are asking… “If this is the introduction email, how can he/she know his audience?” Good question… by reading their profile and looking at their pictures to see what you can find out about them… I don’t mean trying to scour the internet to find where the shots were taken… but if they are soft swap and they don’t show naked pics, and they appear a bit timid in this adventure… sending an email saying “I can fuck your wife like she’s never been fucked before” and include a cock shot and a shot of your wife’s pussy, may not be the wisest manner to introduce yourself.

But let’s say you send that introduction email that shows a bit of time went into the composition of it… you check for grammar and spelling mistakes, you addressed something in their profile, you complimented them, you asked a few well considered questions to begin to engage them….

Well, if you do that… then the issue of social awkwardness isn’t really yours.

However, so many people do not do that… the email is all about them… I like this, I want that, I need this… and the recipient thinks almost immediately… “What are you like in bed?” And mind you, not in a good way… it is more like… does what I like, want, need matter at all or is it all focused on you….

And that may be the key to the social awkwardness in sexting… you have to know what your partner likes…

One example I have is sadly repeated with many guys…

I really am not submissive. The idea of being told what to do does not excite me… I have told many guys this… and when they sext me, they will eventually jump into this… and when I say eventually, I really mean, they basically start with this telling me what to do…

I get that sexting is basically a form of fantasy sex… I really do get that… however, why are you sexting me this? I have already mentioned that I am not really into submissive behavior. Why not find someone to sext that is happy to share with this submissive fantasy?

Here is why… one of the social skills people need to learn and so many have difficulty doing is active listening… or in the case of written communication, reading what is written rather than what you want it to say.

I tell you I am not into submission – you see submission and you run with it… What you have then begun, is showed me that you don’t listen/read/care/notice/acknowledge/should I go on… me.

This is a problem. Think about it… most parents teach their children to share at an early age… after the tantrums, biting, and other infantile behavior, we learn that we need to share and that means asking and listening to the answers… such as you are going to play ball with friends at the playground and there is only one bat… you can’t hold onto the bat when it is other people’s turn to bat… and if someone asks you, ‘can I use the bat?’ you have to listen to their question and answer them… and when you ask someone “can I use the bat?” and the person says “no, it’s Billy’s turn to bat.” You can’t yank the bat from his hands and take your turn when it’s Billy’s turn…

The same principle applies here… if you ask me if I am submissive and I say no, I am not submissive, I am more dom than anything… you have to actually hear what my answer is and apply my answer appropriately. To ignore me, is like taking the bat from my hands and taking a turn when it is not your turn.

The real world implications of social awkwardness in sexting is… fewer people will want to sext with you… and sexting by yourself isn’t as much fun… and if you think about it… when you sext me and act all dom to me and I barely if at all respond… you are sexting by yourself.

I have been known to try my hand at being submissive in my responses to a few guys in the past… but I got very bored with it very quickly… I would then get a text from them that asked ‘why aren’t you responding more?’ I would then be honest and say… “I told you I am not submissive… I thought it would be fun… it isn’t. I am bored.”

For some reason, they don’t continue sexting me submissive shit… or at all.

Am I disappointed? Nope, not at all. You see, they didn’t listen to me… they bored me… they told me what I want doesn’t matter…

Social skills we are taught growing up should include… the world doesn’t revolve around you and only you. For some reason, swingers are really bad about accepting this concept… Look at the profiles and communication… it is all about what they want… and not really about what all parties want… sexting is much the same way…

I go on chat often and am so surprised at how many times the conversation on chat is so… well, let me explain… with an example… the chat is often more men than women… when a woman comes on and starts flirting with the guys… and often this woman is me and possibly one other female… the guys will act like guys all excited… this makes the girls feel good and it encourages the continuation of this flirty banter… a female may post a picture of herself or a few body parts as appropriate to the conversation… like showing tits on Tuesday… and then suddenly the men will start posting pictures of their wives… And while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with posting titty pics of their wives for other men to compliment… the women on the chat gets this message – whether intended or unintended – I can’t look at titty pictures without reminding everyone I am married and/or I got to compete with your pictures…

Both of those messages will limit the chat (sexting) that is going on… it will diminish the participation of the females… and the men are all sitting there complaining that it is all men in there… well geez guys, I wonder why?

That is a form of social awkwardness… I have seen this by the way, even when I haven’t posted pictures… so this isn’t a case of I didn’t get enough attention. However, it does illustrate a point that the men in chat don’t understand, the women are lavishing their attention on them… they should be sucking it up and making sure they do everything they can to keep it going… and yet, they will shut it down quickly…

Or they talk about weed, sports, fallen trees, and other things that exclude the women from the chat… then they will complain that nothing sexy every happens in chat…

Know your audience is being mentioned again… when sexting on whatever communication tool happens, you have to pay attention to what the person you are sexting likes. When their interest starts to fade, you have to ask why? And look at yourself.

I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten immediately wet when I see a guy’s name or number pop up on my phone whether a text or KIK… I know that what we talk about is going to be hot… and I immediately get myself ready for the fun that happens…

And there are folks that I dread seeing their name… because I know it will be boring as shit or just plain annoying.

Here is a very current example of social awkwardness as it relates to not only sexting but texting a potential or past play partner… see if you can tell why it is social awkwardness…

1/6/17

Him: Morning

Me: Good morning sweetie

Him: What are you up to

Me: Just boring morning things. You?

Him: Let’s make it more interesting

Me: How so?

Him: I am open to ideas (written at 9:08 am)

Me – never responded to him

Him: Any ideas (9:41 am)

Me – never responded to him… Why? Because I have told this guy many times before that I am tired of carrying on the entire conversation… he wants to make it interesting… think of how yourself… Let’s also go to the first part… “Morning”. I have to ask, are you announcing the time of day… where is any thing that shows any real interest in the person you are texting… and by the sounds of make things interesting, it was supposed to go into something sexy… but, it doesn’t… why? Because he wants to make it interesting, but I have to do the work. And this is a guy I have had sex with and he wants to have sex with me again… really buddy? Do you think this is going to happen…

Fast forward to 1/11/17 – He hasn’t texted me since 1/6/17 above is the last of the conversation.

He stared the texts at 7:48 am – as if what he has to say is so damn urgent…

Him: Morning

Me – I ignore him. I was reading in bed, puppy snuggled up and nothing pressing on my schedule…

Him: (9:49 am) How are you

Me: (10:22 am) Good. You? (two things to notice here… one – I waited a long time to respond. I was working on the computer and had my phone next me the whole time… but I am tired of these texts and decided to employ negative consequences for his behavior – a technique used in addressing social awkwardness, bad behaviors, etc., to encourage the person to use the proper social skills previously addressed… I did tell you I worked in the mental health field doing this sort of thing… Second, instead of good morning sweetie, I said two words. GOOD. YOU? Anyone else feel the cold front blowing in? He didn’t.

Him: (less than a minute later) I want to see you

Him: (right after the previous) Missing you

Him: (12:15) 🙂

Him: (12:34) What are you doing

Him: (2:40) You around?

Him: (4:57) Hey

1/12/17

Him: (6:55 am – WTF?) Morning

Him: (10:06 am) I hope you are ok

Me: (11:04) I used his name – You texted me on the 6th and then not again until the 11th. I assumed you were busy with work and family. I did not constantly send text messages to you asking if you were around, hey, :), or hope you are ok. Again, I assumed you are busy. I’m not sure why you can’t assume the same for me. I am busy. I’m also traveling. I’m not sure what you expect from me in regards to the text messages. I get morning or what’s up or what’s going on and the your thoughts or you expect me to carry the whole conversation, look at 1/6 for example. You want to make it more interesting, but I have to carry both sides of a conversation. I thought if I ignored your texts you’d recognize I’m busy and can’t text. Instead I get more ridiculous non conversation like hey or :). And what was this before 7 am text? Since it isn’t even 7 am you texted morning, were you informing me of the time of day? Please understand that when I travel I am on the road or presenting at 7am. And if all you are going to type is morning, don’t bother. That’s something you say in that one word manner to coworkers and students just to greet in passing. I am not sure why you think it’s going to motivate me to stop everything and text immediately. Some of this I have mentioned before, this is the first time all in one message. But the way this is going right now is more annoying than fun or interesting. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings and I have to get back on the road. Maybe you can stop and think about how this can improve instead of acting as if I am an old buddy of yours ok with morning and hey shit.

I barely hit send and he replies –  “I got all that our of order sorry just hadn’t talk to you in a while and was just seeing how you were”

I wanted to scream bullshit! I told him I was good at 10 something yesterday morning.

He then writes this – “Well I hope you have safe travels and I would love to talk in depth when you have some time I will wait to hear from you”

Here is the truth of the matter – I am not going to text him again. And I pray he holds true to his promise of waiting to hear from me again. And I am not sure what in depth conversation he is able to have with anyone let alone me.

Why am I sharing this conversation with him and others I had with him in previous posts?

Because, sadly he is not the only one that does this shit. He is not unique. He is not special in his ineptness of communication and social skills when communicating with others they want to fuck.

I mentioned that in part it is confidence that is needed to make a good sexting experience happen… the largest part – is people have to get over themselves and in a hurry. I have mentioned this before, and I will in every post on social awkwardness… you have to pay attention to the other person. If you want to get laid, make friends in the lifestyle, have real FWB, go poly, or otherwise not get a reputation of being so stuck on yourself… you have to pay attention to the other person…

Consider this… everyone has some degree of self-centeredness… if we didn’t we would be door mats that everyone trampled on daily… I have a dose of it as well… I put up with him and his ridiculous texts messages for way too long… I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt… I tried to give him the tools needed to engage me… and his self-centeredness controlled his actions… all he cared about was texting me… not engaging me. He wanted to be able to say he texted me… He wanted to have me do all the work so that his phone would record all the amazing things I was texting – A little humor there… but I do come up with some good material when properly motivated…. LOL

He wasn’t really interested in engaging me enough to get a second chance at my pussy… he blew it… because he couldn’t use the social skills he was taught, the social skills I mentioned, or just plain common sense…

The chat guys… are the same way… they won’t play along and give the girls motivation to keep praising them… they will talk about man things and talk about how lucky they are to have their wives… and so on and so forth…

This type of social awkwardness in swinging is rampant… and so many people wonder why they suddenly lose an admirer and people don’t want to communicate with them anymore…

Sexting isn’t that complicated – as with the other posts… you need to get past yourself, be confident in what you do, and oh yeah, get passed yourself… swinging is not a solo sport – that is masturbation – if you want to be successful swinging… truly make an effort to engage the other person… find out what they want, need, like, desire… and half the work is done for you whether meeting them, flirting, or sexting… when you focus on someone other than yourself, you are successful in swinging – however you define it…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 3 A Bit More About Flirting

So, how did everyone do practicing your flirting skills? I have complete faith in you that you were actually coming our of your shell and flirting like hell… (a rhyme there… did you hear my voice filled with laughter and rhyming… hahaha).

First thing this morning, I woke up thinking… there are a few other things I need to mention about flirting…

Have you ever seen someone flirt with other people and do it in a way that was umm, over the top? Everything was so obvious that it was flirting and it drove you crazy because you wanted to tell them to knock it off? You don’t want to be that person.

When I told you that I flirt with check out clerks and so forth and so on… it is not over the top where everyone around me is thinking… “Why the hell are you flirting with THIS person?” The flirting in this situation is more focused on ‘flirting with the intention of making people feel good’ rather than ‘flirting with the intention of getting laid’. Even in sexually social adventures… I flirt, not with the intention of getting laid… but flirt with the intention of making people feel good. That is the general attitude of my flirting with most people I meet… unless I want to fuck you… then I start with the intention of making you feel good… and know that you are on my radar so to speak… and then if I have your attention, I make my flirting more along the lines… of I really hope you get what I want to do with you…. usually this works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Why doesn’t it work sometimes?

A lot of reasons… first and foremost… different play styles… maybe I am flirting with them at a house party and they don’t play at house parties, they only play on couples dates… this leads to a new kind of social awkwardness and I promise I will discuss this when we get to that segment of social awkwardness… you know, how to let others know what you can/can’t do without ruining the vibe…

Sometimes it doesn’t work because they don’t know how to take it to the next level… I have flirted with guys and they know I am flirting with them… they know I want them… they want me… they just don’t know how to move to the next level… and so they don’t. That is a form of social awkwardness… for some people it is because they lack confidence in themselves… sometimes it is because they are moving faster than their spouse is and they have to wait to see if their spouse can connect with my spouse (think party/club situation not just couple dates)… and sometimes, there is the whole ‘we have so many rules that will be broken if I pursue this with you, that I am so scared of fucking up with my spouse that my nerves are affecting my brain and my genitalia…

Let’s look at the confidence, or lack of confidence. This is a huge component to most of the social awkwardness anyone feels in the swinger world and in the rest of their world. I have a confession to make… I may come across as confident and most of the time I am… but you won’t know those times when I am not so confident… Why? Because I won’t tell you that I feel less than confident… and I will – here is the big secret… I will fake it until I believe I am confident…

Yep, there you have it… when I am not feeling that confident, I fake confidence… and then I feel more confident because I did it and well… I now know I can do that – whatever it was that I lacked confidence in – and now feel confident…

Do you get my point?

I have stated it in a number of ways so far in this series and will continue to state in a variety of ways… don’t talk down to yourself or about yourself. Stop using your past view that you are not good at something because it didn’t net you the results you thought it  would… or use it as a ‘save face’ in case you fail method of dealing with things… It is ridiculous to do as it hampers you ability to succeed and it drives those around you nuts…

I am a girl who is always thinking of something to do, write, say, or rehash on how it could go better… for me, this blog is a way to process some things about this part of my life and I love to be able to dissect what went on – both good and bad… I say this for this reason… when you tell me something like “I am not good sexting” or “I am not good flirting” or “whatever else you think you want to tell me you aren’t good at” – I am thinking, then why are you wasting my time.

There you have it…

When a guy approaches me and tells me that he isn’t good at flirting… I am asking myself and holding back the urge to ask… “Then why come over here and waste my time?”

I would love to do that and just see what they say.

When a guy says that to me, they are telling me – not in the words they say but the words I hear – “I know I am going to crash and burn and that means I am not going to put forth my best effort and just hope you will take pity on me and fuck me (swinger setting remember)…”

Here is what I want to tell him… if you can’t put forth any real effort and take the focus off of yourself for a few moments to say something that will build me up in order for me to want to engage you…. what are you going to be like when we have sex?

Don’t think other people think this as well? Well, you are wrong.

Flirting isn’t a one sided effort – both have to engage in the flirting for it to work… however, you cannot flirt with someone if all you can think about is yourself. You have to think about the other person first and foremost… which means – don’t tell me you suck at flirting…

Most people on the receiving end of first flirts are so tickled that someone noticed them, took the time to engage them… it literally sets off reactions in your brain and body that boosts the desire to continue to engage with the person…

HALF THE BATTLE OF FLIRTING IS DONE FOR YOU AFTER YOUR FIRST WORDS TO THE OTHER PERSON!

Yes, I was yelling that… while laughing… because this is so important… if the brain hears and recognizes the flirting happening… and the brain sends out messages to release certain happy feeling hormones and other responses…. why on earth would you fuck it up?

Do not fuck it up. Do not go on about how you can’t flirt, have no game, can’t sext, etc., etc. You put a stop to the goodness happening in their brain and body… and why would you do that?

I think I talked about that enough… flirt = happy hormone release = continued engagement = they won’t evaluate your flirt skill = they just want to fuck you…. (non-standard equation, but then again, swingers are non-standard to begin with)

Swingers are by definition (nothing to do with the single female or male in this general conversation here, but not saying they aren’t a part of the swinging adventure)… swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Now, this does not count the married folks who have an account and are actually cheating on their spouses… or any other version of that… and it is not excluding poly… and so forth and so on… it is just a general definition… for this purpose… (I typed that all in one breath and need to take a deep one now)…

Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat after me… Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat again…. Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others.

Why am I having you repeat this over and over again?

Because… if we know the definition, do we really need to be told all the time what you do with your spouse?

When you were dating before marriage, did you mention your previous boy/girlfriend at ever conversation? Did you mention your current boy/girlfriend to prospective dates? LOL…

If swingers understand that as a couple you are swinging together – as in she knows you fuck strange, he knows you fuck strange (FWB, Hall Pass, whatever you do)… do you need to remind the person who you are trying to flirt with…

Here is a conversation I had with someone… (believe me I have all kinds of fun conversations to add to the blog… damn my memory)

“Hi Sophia”… (I was wearing a name tag at this party)

“Hi sweetie”… (He wrote his name where I couldn’t read it)

“Is this your first time here?” (I will admit that is a stupid first line in flirting… try something original – like, “we love coming to these parties, the hosts are great.” Then I could have said something like… “This is our first time… ”

“Nope, we have attended this party a number of times… by the way… I can’t read your name… what is it?” (Do you happen to see where I went from flirty – sweetie – to rather ‘whatever sounding’ when I go to its not our first time to “what the fuck is your name dude, if you want someone to know who you are then write clearly…” yeah, that is what I was thinking…

“My wife has awesome tits.”

Awesome… go hang out with your wife and her awesome tits… see where they went so wrong so fast… he just did not get that if he wants to flirt with me… and even if he wants to have someone to talk to as his wife is going around blowing any guy with his cock out… he has to engage me… flirting is one way to do that…

Wonder what my response was?

“Since I don’t know who your wife is, I wouldn’t know about the awesomeness of her tits. I am going to head to the restroom and then get something to drink… excuse me”.

Here is another example of talking to much about your spouse… and not having your rules in sync…

“Hey Sophia, how are you liking the party?”

“I am having fun… are you?”

“I am, I want to do some fucking tonight… my wife and I fucked liked bunnies earlier today and I can’t wait to fuck some women tonight here. I just hope she doesn’t get mad. She doesn’t like to fuck at house parties.”

“Well, enjoy.” Exit stage right…

I wish you could see me right now… I am trying to talk myself out of banging my head on the desk… Seriously, recalling these conversations makes me want to bang my head on the desk… utter fail on both of those guy’s part.

Each one contacted me after the party and asked if we could meet up sometime to play… WTF? Why? To bore me endlessly with your stories about your wife’s tits or how much you fuck.

Now, you may wonder if I have a problem when the attention is not on me. I don’t. To be very honest, I don’t fuck every single person who flirts with me. Most of the time, I will flirt with them with no desire to fuck them… ever.

The point is, if they really wanted to fuck me and they thought this manner of engaging me would work, they are stupid.

If you want to get laid in the lifestyle, you do have to do some work… and talking about your spouse, using cheesy or just plain stupid conversation bits that does nothing to make the other person have a rush of happy hormones throughout their body…

Flirting is a process that requires you to be aware of what you are doing and saying and yet appear that it comes naturally – and it can… if you are paying attention to the person you are flirting with… assess, reassess, and adjust your flirting as necessary… and don’t bring your spouse into the mix…

This has to be the most obvious but more often than not missed part of flirting… don’t use your spouse as your selling point to being able to fuck someone. For example: trying to sell me on your wife… just because I may or may not be BI… doesn’t mean that I am interested in her pussy or tits. Don’t tell me she is great at oral. I don’t give a shit… I am not flirting with her… tell me something about you… tell me something that matters to me… and yes, make it about me… so that I know you actually want me rather than as a prop in your fantasy…

Most swingers feel some guilt about having sex with other people and enjoying it as much or in a very different and somewhat better way than with their spouse… this guilt they feel hinders their ability to flirt, be honest with their partner (spouse and new play partner) and hinders the excitement during the sex.

Don’t believe me?

Think very hard about what I said… and ask yourself, have you ever not said something because you might hurt your spouses feelings… like ‘damn girl, how you suck my cock, I have never felt that before?’ or ‘your pussy feels like home around my cock’ or ‘your tits are perfect’… or what if you said those things and your spouse got pissed… and that told you never to say it again… or have you seen a couple that had that happen while you were with them… and felt the awkwardness.

I am going to be honest here, a lot of the swinging awkwardness is not because you are not good at flirting, or shy until you get to know us… it has more to do with the ability to recognize guilt -hidden or not hidden – you feel about enjoying sex with someone other than your spouse… what if you enjoy sex with someone else more than your spouse? What if you get more emotional connection from someone else other than your spouse? What if you found someone else you fell in love with? Or what if, you realized that you need more than what your spouse can give you?

People feel guilty thinking about those things. Guilt makes people do things they think are hiding the truth, but in reality, cause you to act differently and that makes people notice you aren’t the same as you were before… thereby causing them to ask you ‘what is going on?’

Just a sorta related bit on flirting… social awkwardness… and other issues too numerous to mention here… but just think about it…

One guy told me that his wife hates it when he flirts with other women. I asked him how often do you have swinger sex. He told me they have been swingers for 6 years. They have never full or soft swapped because he can’t flirt with other women because she won’t let him and the other women say they don’t want to play with someone who won’t even act like they want to fuck them. His wife flirts with everyone all the time. She has to have the attention only on her. That causes him to have forced social awkwardness. And according to him… he hall passes without her knowledge. This was via a comment that wasn’t posted on the blog from a previous topic about cheating and hall passes.

Go out there everyone and get your flirt on… remember that you, only you can make it yourself a flirt master…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 2 Flirting

Before I begin talking about flirting and the social awkwardness… I am going to discuss some feedback I received…

“Why do you hate shy people?” My answer – I don’t. If you read the post, I was shy. I decided to do something about being shy instead of hiding behind the label shy. I cannot stand when someone says “I/We are shy until you get to know us”… well, who isn’t. Being able to talk to a room full of people doesn’t mean you aren’t shy when divulging something more intimate to others on a one-on-one basis. However, in the world of swinging… WTF??? Do you really think you are that wonderful that someone is going to spend 4 hours trying to get you to talk to them about small talk and still want to spend more time with you… If you hang on to your shy label as a way to make others work harder to get in your pants, you will find most won’t. Chemistry doesn’t happen if you are SHY… you close people off… you keep them at arm’s length. And unless they have hours to kill to find out you are not really shy but just boring as shit… I would ditch the shy label and excuse and just learn how to make small talk and contribute to the conversation. You will find way more people interested in fucking you and being your friend in the lifestyle. Don’t believe me… ask all those shy folks how successful their quest for friends and sex in the lifestyle is working for them.

“Why do you think it is so easy for people to overcome shyness?” My answer – I never said it was. I said it is a process. However, if you don’t start the process by admitting you are using your shyness as a crutch and/or excuse… I was in 5th grade when it was first made mention to me… At 24 someone helped me… I am in my 40’s now… does that sound like it was ‘so easy’… however, you must actually start.

“What are the benefits of no longer being shy if you get attention for being shy?” My answer – why do you want to be on the outside of everything and not live life to the fullest – vanilla or swinger life? When you can answer that… you have the answer for your question.

On to flirting –

Flirting is an art form… but not a difficult one to master. The secret, to not try so hard to flirt. Let it come naturally.

Well, I am done. Said all I needed to say….

As if…

What I mean when I say let it come naturally… don’t sit there and tell yourself you are bad at flirting. If you tell yourself that, then you believe it. And if you tell yourself and you believe it… then you suck at flirting because you are living up to your beliefs…

You really can’t be successful if you are not able to see yourself successful.

So how do you get your flirt on?

Well, you have to be honest in what you say to the person… that is probably the most important part of flirting… And let’s just assume, as this is a swinger blog, we are flirting here with the intention of actually getting laid and in a shorter time frame than most vanilla settings… and this should be your objective, without being so obvious… so how do you flirt naturally, have an objective in flirting and not be obvious?

Well, here is how I do it… and let me preface this by saying that I flirt naturally and often without knowing that I am flirting… and I flirt with the check out person, people at the doctor’s office, at the local Target or Walmart… and when I am chatting, texting, and emailing… yes, I can flirt then too…

When I flirt, it is more in the manner of how I talk to them… and in vanilla situations it isn’t about sex… sheesh, I would be so damn creepy if I flirted in a sexy manner to complete strangers… however, my manners in which I flirt are very fun, easy going, and complimentary to them without being overly x-rated or outlandish… I make them feel good by paying them attention…

And that may be the key… you spend a few moments focused on them and making them feel good about themselves and their interaction with you. When you make them feel good about themselves and the interaction with you… they want to spend more time with you…

Some of the things that don’t go over really well is when you jump into the same old lines everyone uses or even creepier… go straight to nasty sex talk…

One chat participant on KIK decided to try his hand at flirting… He started with… I think about you in grey panties and I want to lick your entire body. I think about how I want to cover you in baby oil and rub until it is all in your skin.

Okay, that is not flirting… that is fucking creepy. Nothing about what he said was flirting. It was gross for beginning sexting. There was nothing building the other person up (me)… just grossing me out…

This is how it could have started and not been creepy…

So sweetie… what is your favorite color of panties? (This is a swinger blog and the flirting here is a bit different than store clerk flirting)…

I love pink and purple (and whatever you do when flirting… don’t fucking argue with their answers… go with their answers as a clue they are into this flirting attempt on your part.)

He then says… I love a girl in pink and purple… (Here it is important to remember, flirting is not about you and what you like… you want the girl in this case to believe that you are imagining her in pink or purple or whatever color she says panties or lingerie…)

Then she says… Can you guess what I am wearing that is pink?

He says… hmm, let me see… I can imagine you look hot in whatever it is…

And so it goes…

By this time, you will know if the person has any interest in you. Often if they don’t, they cut the flirting off… you know immediately if you are paying attention to them if they are interested in you. If you receive positive signs of them wanting to continue the flirting with you then DON’T FUCK IT UP.

Often this is where the person flirting fucks up… they go too far or too nasty too soon… the girl in this example, wants to have your attention… they want to build the chemistry with the fun flirting… they want to know the possibilities are endless (and yeah, we are going to skip the reality aspect of it now, that is not important)… but the girl wants to believe that at that moment, she is the only girl you are thinking about (get over the guilt or need to remind everyone how wonderful your spouse is, no one cares at this moment)… and then you will look at her and flirt with her some more… and then add a little touch here or there… see if she is receptive to that… and continue the flirting.

This is important and this is also where the social awkwardness with flirting comes very obvious.

In swinging… you are flirting with someone other than your spouse for the purpose of having sex. If you are not okay with this all the way in your mind, soul, and body… you are going to fuck it up. You are going to start talking to her/him about your spouse and what you guys like to do…

HOLD THE PHONE BUDDY… he/she doesn’t really care… flirting is all about bringing the warm, fuzzy feelings that you want before you fuck someone. If you don’t have those feelings… and she doesn’t have those feelings… fucking is unlikely to happen… and when you spend time talking about how wonderful your marriage is and how great sex is with your spouse and all that other stuff and then you kinda tell the other person, you want to flirt with them, but you can’t quite go the distance and you don’t know how to get over it… and that my friends is social awkwardness swinger style.

When you flirt, you must get over the fear of failure.

When you flirt, you must get over the fear of the unknown (how will he/she accept your attempts).

When you flirt, you have to stop thinking about yourself and think about the other person and how what you are saying makes them feel

When you flirt, you have to make sure you know your objective and stay within the objective… all the while being natural… you know… make it appear that you are just having the most delightful conversation and not a means to an end…

When you flirt, you have to think confidently about yourself and your skills at flirting…

When you flirt, you have to have fun flirting… that kind of flirting is contagious… It brings people closer together and find a common ground.

The ability to flirt without being awkward takes some practice… and you can practice in a very vanilla manner with a check out clerk… watch the reaction… do they look annoyed? Do they look happy? Do they start engaging you back in conversation? Do they laugh and act flirty with you?

Depending on their reaction, if you pay attention to it, you can gauge how well you are at flirting… and what you need to practice… find another swinger that you can practice flirting with… I know it sounds funny to ask someone “Can I flirt with you to get better?” that is why I am not telling you to say that… but find someone who appears open to meeting you or at least talking with you and start some flirting on him/her… without telling them… gauge what is over the line and what is happily accepted… take notes (not literally writing them down, but remember what worked) and do not use those notes as one-liners… that just adds to the social awkwardness…

As with anything in life worth doing… practice flirting… get out of your comfort zone and get comfortable with flirting… I know that sounds contradictory… but it isn’t… believe me.. read it again and you will see… your comfort zone right now is to say you aren’t good at flirting… because if you fail, you will just say… see, I knew it… when in fact, you should have been saying… I am a flirting master…

And let’s remember… I was a very shy girl in 5th grade, at 24 and decided to do something about it… and it turned me into a girl who loves to flirt…

Get over your social swinging awkwardness… I did, you can too!

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinger Conversation Follow Up

I have had some interesting conversations with some swingers since I wrote about conversations and communication. A few of them questioned why I care so much how people talk to me or others in fact.

That is a good question. I will answer it to the best of my ability.

When I write anything anywhere, what I write is up for interpretation by the person who reads it. Just like if I say something out loud to them and they hear what I say, they can interpret it however they want. In most cases, this works out fine and no one is bothered by what or how it is said.

I enjoy conversing with people in person, via electronic communication and good old phone calls. I converse with a number of people in a number of ways. Because I converse with a number of people in a number of ways, have the ability to form an opinion and actually write in several locations my opinion on things… it would seem likely that I would in fact have an opinion about how people converse with me.

Do I hate people who do not lavish me with compliments? No. If I am honest, if all the conversation is about – telling me how wonderful I am – and yes that happens… I get bored. I am absolutely aware of my flaws and all that… so when you lavish me with compliments to try to butter me up… well, the butter tends to turn rancid.

What I like is when a person pays me an honest compliment. Straightforward and not this hidden compliment within a possible dig… or so convoluted that no one can tell for sure if it is a compliment or something worse. So, when I mentioned something that sounds like a compliment, but could not be a compliment or something that a person wrote me that if anyone else read they could take as a dig… I am just pointing out the problem that comes when you are not thinking before you type.

Telling someone that they are 4th on the list of a fantasy fuck list generally will not go over well with the person you tell it too. Did I get upset? Nope. I found it odd that he would tell me I was 4th on the list when there were many other ways to list who he wants to fuck without making the intended recipient feel bad. Do I feel bad I am 4th on his list? Nope. It is a fantasy fuck list as the distance to the people on his list is quite big and the likelihood of ever meeting very slim to none.

So, why did I mention it? Because I really think people need to understand what they write does not always come across as they meant it. Do I believe this person wanted to hurt my feelings? Nope. Do I believe he had evil intent? Nope. Do I think he just wrote and possibly not saw anything wrong with what he wrote? Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that how it is interpreted by the receiver is what matters to the receiver. I simply used this as an example of how people can interpret what you say – even with the best intent – wrong. Have I stopped communicating with him? No. Why? Because he engages my mind in a variety of conversations on a variety of topics and even if we don’t agree on everything we still have great conversations… I have found that we have a lot in common with what we like sexually, especially the deeper connections we have with some of our partners. What this tells me is that I can share with him some of my questions, thoughts and fears on a variety of topics and feel safe. Of all the conversations we have had… those two little things were the only thing that was ‘odd’ and I happen to be talking about communication and it seemed like a great example of how not to ‘talk’ to someone you may want to fuck.

The other long text conversation I wrote on the blog… I was asked do I feel bad about posting the details of the conversation. No, I do not. I have asked this particular guy to change up how he talks to me. To actually engage me in a conversation. Not one or two words and the same five questions. I asked him and he still will not do it. Now, this guy is educated and has a career in education. He understands the importance of communication through the career he has… so, why can’t he engage me in a manner that is more than a juvenile attempt at communication?

But more than the fact that the conversation is so juvenile… and I do feel bad that I am offending juveniles that can text far more interesting conversations to their friends… the the real issue is two-fold… first, he is not listening to me when I tell him I need more from him than the same 5 questions and one or two word texts to remain engaged with him… and the second is he is not paying attention to who I am and what makes me – me. He says he loves having conversations with me… yet we do not have a true conversation. He says he loves how my mind works… yet, he does not engage my mind. He says he wants to have a lasting relationship with me… yet, he does nothing to show me in words or deeds that he does in fact want a relationship that involves engaging me as I am.

Now, you may say that I am not engaging him as he is. Well, I have had some very interesting conversations with him and know that he is giving me a half-assed effort. I know what he is capable of and yet he puts no effort forth.

Go ahead and randomly pick any blog post I have written and read it carefully… then read his text conversation with me… do you see how very different I am from him in how I communicate? I have to dumb myself down to talk with him. How long do you think that will remain interesting for me? When he puts forth effort in communication with me, we have great conversations… but he doesn’t. That is why I posted what I did.

You see, when I talk to someone for the first time – whether for work or for fun – I take a moment to gauge their communication style. I then try to adjust how I am going to address them… for example, if I am presenting in front a group of nuclear scientists (and I really do present in front of nuclear scientists) I will up my game. I will still be true to who I am… I tell them that I am not here to lecture you… I am here to share some information and in order for this to be fun… so you will absorb it… we need to interact… and I am going to resort to laughing, jokes, and personal stories… if you don’t want to hear my personal stories… then share your own… If I am presenting to a bunch of line men… I will talk to them in a manner that relates to them… I will change out some of the examples I used for the nuclear scientists and use some they can relate to on their job… but I tell them the same thing about having fun while presenting this information.

I know my audience. I know them as in I took time to recognize that they are different and this is how I should best communicate with them. I do not try to use nuclear science in my presentations… I am me, authentic and approachable… but I understand they may have different (insert the words I am presenting at the time here)… than those who may have a different position and skill set.

In a swinger context… I know when a guy lives across the country that the chances are pretty damn slim we will meet that most of the communication is for fun and not really to build a connection that will be felt in a few days when we meet. I know that some people just like to text because they want to jack off. I play along with that and have fun with it… I also know that if someone has a desire to meet me, they had better engage my mind and body or there is little hope that it will happen. If we have already met and you think my pussy feels like home to your cock and you want to have it again and again… you best keep me engaged in mind and body…

This should be something that other swingers think about… communication to be real, authentic and allow you to obtain your desired goals needs to be a 2-way street. You have to be able to be yourself while also communicating in a way that engages the other person. If that means you have to up your communication game… why aren’t you?

I can promise you this… if you up your communication game, no matter how good you think you are… you will see more engagement with others that brings you fulfillment.

I know this to be true. Because I am always building up my communication skills. And sometimes, that means to let people go because it just won’t work. Building up frustration with someone because they refused to communicate with you in a manner that uses all the basic communication skills is not good. If you tell them what you need and they refuse to do it… it is on them. And sometimes, you need to know when to end the communication.

Hope that answers your questions you guys had… if not, let me know… and you can put the comments on the blog you know… instead of emailing them to me…

Muah Sophia

How To Get Your Swing On Part 3

After you have ‘the talk’ with your spouse discussing all the factors you want to include in your date to get your swing on… you have to figure out how to put it into effect…

As with everything else, the first time is a bit ‘scary’, but after that… it is easy peasy… it becomes easy, but not ‘old hat’… as the sexual desire that comes from flirting, touching and kissing this person you want to fuck is always a great source of a ‘sexual high’… keeps it fun and exciting no matter how many times you experience it…

And isn’t that why we want to swing… have sex with strangers… to feel that sexual high of fucking someone new…

The first step I would take (and do)… is to tell them this is what you like… It could look like this… “I like it when we meet for the first time to focus on you and you on me… Let our spouses focus on each other as well. You know, flirt with each other, light touches, maybe even some kissing… and certainly want you to hug me as a part of the greeting when we first meet.. you can feel for yourself if I am excited to meet you.”

Okay, I never said I was subtle… sometimes, subtle doesn’t really work. Stating what you want is a good thing… In that statement above, I am telling my potential partner… I want you to want me…show me you want me. Tell me you want me. I will make sure you know I want you too.

I am going to be honest here… I am done with shy people. If I hear them go on and say “I am not sure I can do that, I am shy” I tell them, then we can’t meet. And I am serious. If you know ahead of time I want to meet you and I try not to meet people who I don’t want to fuck on couples dates (I find it a waste of time and money if I don’t want to fuck you to meet you, I will suggest then meeting at an event or party instead, more options if in fact after meeting you I don’t want to fuck you, just being honest here)…. so if we are planning on meeting on a couple date it means I want to fuck you unless you mess it up so bad that you turn me off… (it has happened)… so what do you have to be shy about… by the time we arrange a couples date we have communicated a bunch of times and you shared a bit of what you like and I have too… so what do you have to be shy about – we already said hello the first time – we have already shared sex preferences and desires – we already agreed to meet – where exactly is the shyness in those steps? So now we are going to meet in person – you with the knowledge that I want to fuck you and now you feel shy? WHY?

So put on your big boy pants – or if you must your superhero underoos so you can feel big, brave, and strong and let me know you want me on the date… That your focus is on me to woo me and make me wet with anticipation… and to do that is to flirt, touch, kiss, and otherwise wooing the shit out of a girl…

You can’t do that if you are stuck to your wife and only looking at her and talking to her…

And you know what… most of the couples, there is one who loves to communicate and one who is not so much into it…

That leaves the excitement a bit lopsided… if couples want to date another couple, they both have to put forth effort in the communication to build the desire to fuck strange.

I am a big communicator… hubby is not. When he makes an effort to communicate with the wife, he often gets back from the wife – she’s really not into texting… he will ask her if she wants to email or maybe a phone call, and receives the answer NOPE.

Then suddenly at the date, she wants him wanting her… and this is something that is a bit hard for people to understand… you already rejected him and his efforts to communicate with you… and well… I understand this from both sides of the coin… I have seen this happen with my hubby often… and I have had a couple of male halves of the couple who won’t communicate with me but she will with my hubby.

Let’s be clear here… it is not jealousy… I am not jealous hubby is getting communication from the wife who wants him. I couldn’t be happier… but if the guy won’t communicate with me, it ain’t going to happen, at all.

I am lucky, my work schedule offers me the freedom to communicate without a boss or coworker seeing over my shoulder… I am my own boss… I work from home and on the road… I am excited to be able to communicate with friends and lovers whenever they are free… I have a few rules… I rarely initiate the contact… I have one female friend I will. She lives in the PT zone and I will text her and put the phone down and when she sees it and has time she will respond. No pressure, no expectations…

I am that way with the people I communicate with for any reason – whether sexy texts or planning on meeting… I will work around your schedule and be considerate of your time… If you simply text me once a day to say hi and check in because that is all you want to do… that is fine… Let’s be honest… it’s not that exciting or fucking hot… but it is telling me that you want to make that effort of keeping in touch and more importantly, that I am worth the time you are taking… and that my friends is fucking exciting… to know that you are doing something outside your norm or even your comfort zone to keep in contact with me so I want you when we meet…

See, it is not jealousy… it is he doesn’t communicate with me at all, there is nothing for me to go on, no want, no desire, no chemistry… and despite what you think… it does nothing to build “MYSTERY”… it’s a fucking blind date you obviously are not that thrilled to be a part of since you can’t even say hi…

When you want to couple date another couple, you really have to make an effort to date the couple… pretty damn simple and sadly, rarely done.

Ask yourself, when you were dating your spouse… did you communicate before the first date? Did you communicate about yourselves so they can get to know you? Did you flirt? I mean honestly flirt with them so they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt you liked him/her?

Then why not do that for someone you want to fuck? I mean, if you want the fucking to be good, shouldn’t there be some chemistry built? Some need, want, desire and other tingly feelings to bring the fun into the bedroom or playroom or wherever you are getting it on???

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…
Sophia

 

What Does Flirting Mean To You?

I am a flirt. I can go to a grocery store and flirt with the checkout folks, people I see there… just about anyone… I guess I see flirting as things as simple as smiling at a person, complimenting them, joking with them…. just about anything that makes they feel good about themselves…

I love seeing a person’s face light up when they are noticed by another person…. and that person not only noticed them but actually spoke to them in a friendly way… not the standard, hi how are you…. and look away to indicate they don’t give a shit…

To me, flirting is letting a person know they exist…

They exist in your radar…

They exist in  your radar and what they have to say matters…

They exist in your radar, what they have to say matters, and you are actually interested at that moment in the interaction happening…

Flirting to me does not mean that I want to have sex or a life long relationship with that person…

Certainly not with the check out person at the grocery store I see for what maybe 10 minutes if no price check is needed…

But I left that person with a good impression of me and about themselves. Someone actually cared to be real and authentic with them…

I know that most people think flirting is fake… you are just saying nice things to get what you want…

What on earth do I want from the checkout person at the grocery store… my food scanned and my bill paid for… that is their job… I don’t have to flirt with them to get them to do my job…

What I want from that check out person I am flirting with outside the job they are doing… not a damn thing…

But what I am doing is interacting with people in a manner that tells them they matter even for the few minutes they are checking out my food.

I have gone to the stores at different times after one such interaction and was surprised at how they remembered me… One 10 minute interaction with me and they remembered me.

One person told me she felt so good talking to me the last time I was in her lane. She complimented me about how nice and real I seemed.

She said she had a smile on her face the rest of the day.

It changed her outlook towards all her customers.

More of them noticed her because she was smiling from our encounter.

I made a difference in her life…

Because I flirted with her.

I was really interested in her for those few moments and nearly a month later she remembered me and made sure I knew about how I had made a difference in her day… and still remembers it…

To me, that is why I like to flirt… yes, very selfish of me… I love to flirt because I make a difference in a person’s life even if for a few minutes.

I have talked about being approachable before… lots of time before.. and so many people hide behind the shy shit….

Guess what folks… I have been shy before in my life… I have missed a number of awesome opportunities to get to know others because of this shy shit…

I choose daily to reach out to people. To fight my insecurities… my questions of should I say hi first… should I let them go first…

Why the hell should I do that….

If I want to say hi to you and you respond in a positive way… AWESOME

In the event you look at me (or what I write) and ignore me… well too bad for you… not me… You made it clear what you are like… I can move on…

In the lifestyle flirting is often seen as ‘if you flirt with someone you are not attracted to you are sending out a message that you want to fuck them’.

I am not sure where that rule is posted “Flirting is a contract for fucking.” But it isn’t in my rule book.

To me flirting in the lifestyle has multiple definitions or maybe I should say possibilities attached to it…

In no particular order….

1. Flirting means….. I am interested in finding out more about you

2. Flirting means… I have no idea about you… hope you don’t mind me complimenting you a bit to see if you open up some….

3. Flirting means… I am trying to break the ice with a couple, date, or at a party… or on chat…

4. Flirting means… I would really like to ask you to meet… but I need to gauge the likelihood of being rejected… or if you are positive/optimistic… my chances of being accepted…

5. Flirting means… I find your ass… boobs… cock… chest… whatever attractive and while we may not ever play… nice ass

6. Flirting means… I would like to fuck you at some point…. just being honest…

7. Flirting means… I a sociopath and trying to woo you through false compliments… just seeing if you are really reading this…

No where in those definitions/situations does it say flirting is a contract for fucking. If you flirt with someone on a chat – whether you live a few miles or many states away… chatting and flirting does not mean  you will fuck them… flirting just opens the opportunity for the chance to see if they might possibly want to if everything you said about yourself is true and  your pictures are accurate and you don’t come off as an ass or bitch…….

You get the picture…

Flirting is not a contract for fucking. It opens the door to seeing if you are ‘sponge worthy’…. Seinfeld reference…. sorry, just had too…

Flirting is not a checklist of all you have to do when you do get to the fucking part…

Just because you flirted and talked about being in a gang bang with 7 men and not one of them using a condom and someone sucking all that cum out of your pussy… does not mean that is what he needs to line up for you…

Flirting in this case is opening up a dialogue… a fun way to tell your boundaries without out that damn list of rules…

Man do I get tired of reading all kinds of rules on profiles and then when they flirt with me via chat or text all but like 2 rules are blown away… Maybe they should just say… chat with me if you want to know what I like… way simpler and less confusing… but it still doesn’t mean that we will do it all if any of what was flirted about…

I think some people fail to understand that subtle difference… flirting is conversation about what you are thinking… wanting… fantasizing… and is not a script for the first play date… or the second… it just opens you up to know what another person’s boundaries…

If you have read my blog or forum posts… there are many things that I enjoy… one of them is guy/guy porn… and I would absolutely love to be a part of a mmf. I even wrote a story about a mmf on the blog. When I chat with some about mmf I don’t want them to do the mmf (or whatever the topic of chat was…) exactly as I wrote it in the story or in our chats/texts…. I want them to come up with something I hadn’t thought about… I would want the whole situation to be organic… to flow naturally to that point… I would want it to as far from scripted as possible… I don’t want people to do what I already wrote about… that isn’t a fantasy to me… I already wrote about it… I want something I hadn’t written about…

Some of the best things in this adventure that happened to me are things I would not have imagined… I had not written… it just happened because the events led to that… That is what I want… that is what I like…

So if I flirt with you… if I tell you things that I want or like or whatever… do the opposite… flirting is not a contract to fuck or a checklist of how to fuck…

Flirting is fun… or should be… it should be a testament to how you like to interact with others… it shouldn’t be forced… it shouldn’t be awkward… it should flow naturally…

If it doesn’t…. practice flirting… it isn’t hard… really it isn’t… there is always one thing about a person you can compliment them on… be real and authentic… those who flirt that way… really makes a difference…

This week I have truly enjoyed hubby getting on chat and flirting with the ladies… it is exciting to see… erotic pride at its best…. he just needs to use some of his good shit on me… at least once in a while…. LOL…. but even if he forgets… thanks to all my ‘friends’ who flirt with me just because they like too and even if they are hoping to get into my panties…. sure makes me feel good… which often leads to…. well…. it never hurts to flirt.

And if you think you really can’t flirt… try sharing some puns… that gets them too…. and oddly enough… makes flirting happen between many….

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…

Sophia