Tag Archives: freedom

A Bit of Freedom…

A long time ago, sexually social adventures such as this were no where on my radar. I never would have thought when we were in pre-marriage counseling to think…. hmmm… I wonder if when we have been married 20+ years will we start having sex with others.. with each other fully involved in this endeavor…

When our pastor had some some feelings that our marriage would not work… and let us know he did… and it was MY fault… well, here is why…

Hubby was going to school… he was 26 and gonna go to college… not full time, just part time.. but due to an injury he was not working and the pastor asked me… ME how I was going to handle the house while hubby was at school.

What part of PART TIME did he not get. I worked full time, hubby didn’t work at all… he was going to school PART TIME….

You really think I am going to clean the bathroom exclusively when I am not the person peeing on the outside of the toilet…. when he is home and can clean the toilet himself? What was I supposed to do, make his lunch before I left for work so he could sit at home and have his lunch already made????

Now, I am not a burn your bra type of feminist… I do like to go without a bra, but not necessarily burning it… I won’t be demanding a man not treat me like a woman… but I do want paid equally.. I enjoy the niceties being treated like a lady brings…. but not a real big fan of being treated like a servant… when I am an equal partner in the marriage…

The pastor said I was selfish.

Oh my… hubby is home most of the time since he is taking but a few classes… no part time work… no full time work… I worked three 8:30 to 5pm days and 2 days 12pm – 9pm… and I needed to clean the house and make dinner…. while he did what…

I stuck to my guns on this… if he plans on eating, peeing in a clean toilet, and having clean clothes to wear… he was going to have to do the work too… and since his is only part time… he would do more of it than me….

Well, one day his family came over for dinner. I love to host and I love to feed people… I can clean up a kitchen lickety split… but I don’t clean the kitchen while guests are here… the damn dishes can wait… to me people are more important than a clean kitchen 10 minutes after the last bite is ate….

Hubby was carrying on about the kitchen needing to be cleaned… I whispered as low as I could, which was hard… very hard… and told him, “You want the fucking kitchen cleaned now, do it yourself.”

In 8 days we will be celebrating 25 years of marriage…

He does his share to this day of cleaning, cooking, and other tasks necessary. It is not a ‘he does more than me/less than me’ situation. It is… if it needs to be done, then by all that is good in the world, do it…

We follow this same basic principle in our sexually social adventure… we both have to agree on the ‘whatever’ it is we are discussing… We have to see the other person’s point of view…

No one has the final say in this… and no one has more ‘authority’ than the other… despite the ‘setting the ground rules’ early in our relationship/marriage… it has been a ‘fair’ division of responsibilities and reward.

Now, for most people who have been married… you know that some rewards are buried in the midst of some rather shitty shit you deal with… and that is life…

And so it is in the sexually social adventure…

Sometimes you deal with some really fun stuff on the adventure and you deal with some really shitty shit too.

For many of us who have had more than one ‘adventure’ there has been some great times you look back on fondly and some not so great times you look back on and think “WTF” was I thinking…

And it isn’t a matter of taking one for the team… whatever that means… I say whatever that means as each person has a different opinion of what that means… and I always wondered why people took one for the team… you have a choice don’t you to say no…

I guess it may be different in my eyes… if I choose to have sex with someone I don’t see it as taking one for the team. I see it as my decision to have sex with them. I hope for the best and if it is less than the best experience I had… it is a ‘less than best experience’ and I don’t see it as taking one for the team…

I think you really have to accept the responsibility for all your adventures and not see it as a taking one for the team… it seems like an excuse used for the bad times had… and your contribution to it…

If you have the attitude that you are taking one for the team… it can be felt… by others… if you are not interested…say so… if you don’t and the person can feel your attitude towards that… then that is your contribution…. funny how that works…

Just like I did to my hubby and the pastor when the pastor thought I should cater and serve my husband when he was able to do those things… I voiced my opinion on it and said that is not how it would go. It hasn’t gone that way.

If hubby is going to complain about something being unfair on our adventure… he needs to shut up… why? Because he has the same opportunity as I do to change the course of the adventure…

He can stand up and say… hey look here… no way I am gonna do this or I wanna do that…

See each partner has a bit of freedom… to say what they want and how they want it…

And in a greater sense… that is what this sexually social adventure gives everyone who ventures in… a bit of freedom to pursue whatever it is that you choose to pursue…

A few days ago in chat I asked a question “for or against hall passes”…

The answers were typical. Not a single surprise at all. I am serious… all the same answers typically given.

It was sad… and here is why… while most of the respondents in chat were male.. they gave answers that focused on the premise that only the woman have hall passes…

Now think about this… they automatically assumed the women would have the hall passes… that they – the men would not have hall passes.

Who are the women hall passing with????

I have not had a hall pass with a woman alone. I have not sought a hall pass with a woman alone… or been sought after for a hall pass with a woman alone…

Most men generally assume their wives would have the hall passes and cannot see themselves as the recipient of a hall pass…

Yet, wouldn’t it make sense to have some man out there available to have a hall pass if women are having hall passes with men….

It made me wonder if the bit of freedom we have is a bit clogged with the manner we view ourselves….

Could we possibly think that our sexually social adventures should be a certain way because that is how it has always been – remember that story about the pastor – pre-marriage counseling and the division of housework? And what a joke that division of housework was in his view. Instead of seeing that our sexually social adventure should be designed to meet the needs of both of us as we are both equal in this adventure as I saw us in our marriage, men believe it is all for the women. To the extent that men cannot see themselves as someone desired. Putting themselves down to boost their wives.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had men mention that their wives have hall passes and they do not because….

And it is ┬ámostly because they do not feel anyone would want to have a hall pass with them…

Is that not sad? Here we are having a sexually social adventure… as in we are having sex… and you know I have hall passes and I know your wife has hall passes… and you didn’t think that there was a possibility of us having a hall pass together?

This one guy… his wife had many hall passes…. he never had one. He honestly believed no one would want to have hall passes with him… There is more to that story and maybe one day I will share more details… but it is really sad to me to think that so many men believe when people tell them it is only the women who matter on this sexually social adventure…

I have to wonder if that attitude precludes you from being a party to hall passes because deep down you don’t believe anyone would want you….

Just a little something to think about…. on your sexually social ‘freedom’ adventure…

Sophia