Well, since the last post there has been a lot of things that have happened. Some I can share on here, some I cannot.
First of all… I found out three days after my birthday that I had a brain tumor. Gotta say it put a damper on many fun plans I had and really made my life a bit of an adventure. And not necessarily one I wanted to go on… but, what can you do.
I had brain surgery to remove the tumor on April 3rd. It has been an interesting process of finding out you had something big happening and the road to recovery. I won’t bore you with all the details of the road to recovery because I swear there is something new and annoying happening each and every week from some side effect of medication, surgery, or both.
I do have brain cancer and about to start radiation treatment. The medical professionals believed I had the worst brain cancer one could have, but after two prestigious labs investigated it and couldn’t understand it as it appeared to be the worst cancer, it was in fact not the worst despite the appearance.
The treatment for the cancer is just radiation at this point. Another YAY me.
I have been in contact with many guys I have played with before and some that want to play with me when things get back to normal or as one has said, ‘as normal as things get with you’. I had to appreciate that quite a bit. He get’s me. I am as far from normal as one can get in many ways… and having a bit of a miracle happen with my brain tumor… yeah, that is not normal – hence the two labs seeing what they saw and wondering what the fuck is going on…
But many of the guys I had been with are having some difficulty with the diagnosis I have. One cannot stand to think of me having a tumor, brain surgery or brain cancer and has only contacted me less than a handful of times. I get it. He texted me a day or two before I announced my brain tumor status and I had said nothing to him about my ‘issues’ I was having. And they were significant issues… loss of physical and cognitive abililities because of the swelling of the brain that was caused by the tumor. We hadn’t talked in quite some time before his random text and I wasn’t really ready to share the news until I had the MRI. And then I needed to let it sink in before I announced it. Despite him living only 2 hours away, it felt like he was a world away as he knew so little of what I was going through.
One guy I was working on meeting up with when he traveled 5 hours from where I lived has not contacted me after the text I received post announcement on Kasidie. I am assuming, since he really is a sweetheart, that the announcement of my tumor was too much for him. It is not like I can text him and ask him “WTF”… because that is just rude. I am left to assume that the reality of what is going on with me is too much for him. I am okay with that… really I get it.
There is one guy who lives quite a bit away that has become a good friend through out the time post announcement on Kasidie. He and I had some interaction on the forums, but nothing really big. He reached out after I announced my brain tumor and we have been in rather regular contact since. We have texted for quite a while and he has been very encouraging and let’s me change the topic so it is not about me and my tumor, cancer, recovery, seizures and so on… we talk about a lot of different topics and when the topics are too funny, challenging, sexy, or whatever it may be, he gives me a call and we chat for a long time on the phone.
Makes you wonder why so few swingers actually talk on the phone. I love it… and when we are talking about things that don’t matter (in the grand scheme of things) but are just fun to get off your chest or mind… random and funny things… or annoying things… or something that happened… you know the shit friends share…
And that is what he has become. A friend. And I like it. We can talk about so many things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things… and then he will ask me “so, are you really doing okay?”
In the short time we have been talking… and by talking I mean on the phone, he has gotten to where he knows when I am putting on a good front or when I am really struggling but hiding it… as he says, ‘not hiding it too well from me darling, but good try.’
First of all, that is sexy as fuck.
Second of all, it is really cool that someone is willing to pay attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues I am giving off… and you know what, I crave that in the interactions I have with others… real opportunity to have real conversations and have someone actually take interest and listen and hear what is being said and not said.
Of course, I know he wants in my panties… it is okay, I so want to fuck him too…
He has such a good chance of getting in those panties… because he took the time to get to know me.
Did I happen to say how sexy that is to me?
Very fucking sexy.
Of the guys I have met and played with and the guys I was making plans to see… this one has to be the one who made the biggest impact on me and my recovery. He was the one who saw me and was willing to meet me where I was with what I needed.
He was the most consistent in his communication. We do not talk every single day, but neither do I receive breadcrumbs… google breadcrumbing and make sure you are not a breadcrumber…
He took the time to be honest with me about how he felt about what I was going through. Good grief… a man who actually was honest and shared truth with me… if it wasn’t for him I would not think such a man existed.
He tells me about his life and what is going on with him so that I can know him. For a person who loves making connections with others and the state of the world as it has been since late March and all of April and most of May – Covid 19 and brain surgery recovery… this is an awesome gift I have received.
Oh, before you begin to wonder… no he is not really that perfect… there is something that he doesn’t want to accept and keeps ignoring me when I say it… and it is not related to my brain cancer… and he has a few other quirks that are annoying as hell… and are humorous because he does them to ‘impress’ me… but whatever… I am recovering…
The other day I received an invite – opening text on KIK from a guy that I have mentioned on this blog a few times… an older than me guy that fancies himself so damn irresistable that I want to talk to him despite me writing on Kasidie forums and here and on social media platforms to leave me the fuck alone. He reached out to me this past week and I could not believe it…
I am from Wisconsin (grew up there) and heard as a young child adults saying to and about other adults and children “You are dumber than a box of rocks!” Now, this saying is similar in meaning to “Bless Your Heart” as one hears in the South, just not as passive-aggressive… we in the Midwest assume if you are dumber than a box of rocks, hiding the insult in passive-aggressive wording makes the impact of the statement less powerful.
I told this man in as many ways as one can and often in the most direct approach possible and I love the word assertive – but some times I was more than assertive… but he just kept trying.
One has to believe he subscribed to the belief “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
He truly needs to stop trying.
I get this message from him “I hope and pray that you are feeling and doing much better. I think of you often. [his name]”
Now, I tell you what… I believe he has seen something of mine from possibly Facebook (I may have to change my profile from public to hiding from freaks like him) because of him writing “I hope and pray you are feeling and doing much better” the day after I announce I had a lumbar puncture.
I respond to him “I’ve asked you repeatedly to leave me alone.”
He responds “Ok, Done.”
I am a person who at times will have to get the last word in… “I should not have had to ask you repeatedly on every account/app/profile we were both on. The lack of respect you have shown me by ignoring what I asked is why I am so adamant that you leave me alone. A man who refuses to show respect to a woman does not truly care for her. A lesson you may want to consider.”
It shows he read it. No further response from him.
It made me think and I thought about other men I have been in contact with or played with that did not listen to me when I stated something… and it could be something as ‘relatively’ insignificant as “Don’t bite my clit, it doesn’t turn me on” only to bite clit and it hurt from that moment on for a few days and I never want to have sex with you…
Or don’t take my picture or record anything while we are having sex…
Or could we not have checklist sex? If you don’t know what checklist sex is… When I am talking with a guy pre-meet/play time and you write down every single thing you think you heard me say and you think this is what I want to do and in the order you think we have to do it and then you go off that list and do that ‘thing’ and for a few moments and then move onto the next item on that list you created and nothing is done for long enough for me to get any real pleasure from… that is check list sex and pretty much a guarantee that we won’t play again…
What can you do to avoid checklist sex?
Listen to me when I tell you I like to see what will happen if left to our own devices… go with the flow… try something new to one or both of us… anything but lick her nipple once before going to…
So where was I going with this…
Oh yeah, I went down a rabbit hole… and when I resurfaced I realized I began to look at guys I didn’t really enjoy in the last year or two as much as I thought I would for various reasons… too much work, too much drama, too much bad sex, too much telling me what to do, too much NOT listening to me, and well, then I realized that I have the opportunity to make a change… to drop the dead weight…
And boy does that feel good.
So many good things have happened in the midst of something rather not so good…