Tag Archives: healthy boundaries

Oh, These Adventures…

There is something that I enjoy so much about ENM… It largely falls under adventures… having some pretty awesome adventures… and I have been very fortunate to have quite a few. Each adventure provides something good and something to learn… I like having them equally, but not always liking what I learn in the same way… but I always learn something.

When the learning is fun and expands my boundaries in a good way… and our past weekend was one such learning adventure.

I had an opportunity to look at something in the manner in which I swing and ask myself why I choose to swing in this way. Now, I was told something that I knew at face value was a bunch of bullshit… and when I looked at it a bit deeper… yeah, it was a gaslighting move… and my gut was right… but I did due diligence and investigated whether or not what I was ‘accused’ of had merit.

I had some deep conversations about this with several people over the course of the months… and I had emails, screenshots and text and messenger ‘proof’ of what was said. Believe me I spent a great deal of time on these messages… and then I shared them with some other people who could be trusted to be honest and share with me their thoughts on what happened and if I was in the wrong… did I do something that indicated a huge flaw I needed to address in me.

These people – men and women – could be trusted to be brutally honest with me.

And they were.

What was done to me was shitty… was wrong… and they could see why I was hurting so much.

Here is a little about these people… one is a Lesbian who has a wife and a boyfriend, active in the LGBT community, teaches college courses in Emotional Intelligence… and a few other things… one is a psychotherapist who specializes in boundaries, trauma, and marriage and family… one is a former educator in the private schools system and currently works with clients on dealing with trauma and overcoming the denial of trauma… one is a good friend and I have worked with this person for 3 years… one is an educator, equity influencer, and works in media… one just hangs out with us all so that they can feel smarter being in a group of smart folks… but has a special sauce… we just are not sure what it is just yet… One is a transgender lesbian who runs a gay pride organization…

None of them hold back anything…

They have been with me on the highs and the lows of this ‘summer’s fun and fall heartbreak.’

In addition to these lovely people… there have been some swingers and some hall passers… and some couples that we have been getting to know…

To say I was damaged by what happened is an understatement.

And this is a hard blow for me because I pride myself on being strong. Being smart. Being…

And well… I am also loving… and open… and caring… and apparently vulnerable… and…

Several weeks ago I asked for help because I needed to be done with this… it was obvious that I was nothing to him… I strongly doubt I really ever mattered to him… I strongly believe I was fed a line or several and I took them hook, line, and sinker…

Someone who loves another person does not treat them in the manner in which I was treated.

I shared this statement to the group and they agreed. If he did have feelings for me, he would not have treated me this way… swinger/poly/whatever didn’t play into this… his treatment of me showed me how little I mattered.

That day… we were all in the studio and I heard that said in a loving but blunt way several times over…

They shared words of affirmation but it didn’t change what I was hearing…

I knew what I felt… but that was not enough…

And I sat there not saying anything… not crying… not really responding at all…

They all waited to see what my response would be…

Every single ‘worst thing a person could think about herself’ message came through my mind… I had it on repeat… I couldn’t get it off repeat… it was horrible… everything he said that meant anything to me was all a lie… I was unworthy of love… he was just playing me for a fool… why would he love me… all that bullshit played through my mind. I mean, if he really cared for me at all… would he do some of the things he did and say and posted? No. Unless of course he is just that fucked up and has more issues than I noticed and beyond any hope of being a good person… a really good person who has a heart and can show compassion and not treat people they way he treated me… and yeah… holding out hope on that one seems silly…

I was told I needed to tell them what I was thinking… I was scaring them…

I told them I have gone through all the stages of grief… some I stayed in a while… some I went back and forth on… I was broken by him. I shared with him how no matter how hard I tried to hate him, I just can’t. I go back and forth being loving him and feeling sorry for him… and more often than not, I really feel a lot of pity for him.

They shared their advice… they offered comfort, they offered another alcoholic beverage… they laughed, they cried, they offered suggestions on what I needed to do to get over him.

I have worked very hard on getting over him. I was told that when I can call his bullshit out and not feel bad I called out his bullshit… and I didn’t actually have to call it out to him where he could see or hear it… I just needed to call his shit out… but when I got to that point…

I hid his wall posts from showing up on our wall and that has brought me great peace. My heart is good with that… I have not checked on what he has posted once…

Not seeing who he is meeting up with, flirting with, or any of that other stuff has helped a lot… I looked at why I didn’t want to see his ‘stuff’ and here is the bottom line… he is not allowed to or has no desire to communicate with me in anyway… all communication has been cut off… it is apparent that we cannot meet up again… have sex again… fuck, we can’t even communicate on the forums… it is all a bunch of petty little games… and if I can’t communicate with him, why do I want to see all the people he has permission to talk to or a desire to talk too?

I am no longer on that list…

I am no longer able to be his friend… his playmate… his lover… a friend to text… or whatever…

And let’s be really honest here… not even being his friend is what hurts the worst… I feel like I was repeatedly lied to about how he felt about me.

And this is where I have moved towards… being rather important to him to being NOTHING to him.

I have been enjoying some communication with others who can in fact communicate with me… who want to communicate with me… and enjoy communicating with me… and can be honest in their communication with me… something he rarely was with me… honest in communication.

When I look at ALL THIS… and then ask myself why I am still hurting because of how he treated/treats me… and when I look at the possibility that all he did was lied to me about how he felt about me…

WHY am I struggling with this?

I mean… besides the obvious… I really felt something for him…

And then I remembered something I had read a few weeks back… When you no longer cry when thinking of someone it is because you are healed…

This past weekend and the vanilla guy I am enjoying ‘getting’ to know better… and the other couples we are getting to know and the guys that I hall pass with that are wanting to resume after the holidays… I have to wonder why I am letting him affect me this much.

As I wrote this entire post… thinking back at all the good times I have had with others… and the pain I have had with him… I was happily surprised that I did not cry once…

My eyes did not water…

My heart was not heavy and feeling pain…

And I have to give credit to the my tribe of badass women and the men who let me know I am important to them… no matter the role I have in their lives… I am important to them… And I am so thankful I had the opportunity to feel the love and loss… I am a better person for it…

I was told to share what I really need to tell him…

Here it is… for healing sake…

I loved you with a pure and whole love… I gave my love to you fully and without reservation. If given a chance to do it again… I would struggle with that answer… because when you showed me you loved me… it was beautiful. However, the pain you caused for no reason other than to play games with the truth, my affections, and your ego… that hurt and was unnecessary. A little honesty and emotional intelligence would go a long way… I did not deserve how you treated me… or how she treated me… My hope and prayer is that you both can see how you treated me and how damaging that is… it is hard to claim to be good and loving people when you treat everyone in a tit-for-tat manner… or have to hurt each other to get your way… or demand others to fix your own issues… or any of the other things that were written in emails, text messages and the like… My prayer is that you both can heal before you cause others the same damage you caused me.

And as I finish this post… I have to write how I am feeling… I feel light… like a huge weight is off of my shoulders… and my heart. I am feeling excited to move on to other adventures and put this experience behind me… yet… I have to acknowledge that I feel fortunate to have had this experience…

My tribe of badass women have given their seal of approval to this post… I wish I had done this a lot sooner. I feel whole again.

Muah Sophia