Tag Archives: insecurities

I Can’t Speak For All Women… or Swingers…

After the last post, I did a quick google search on men’s insecurities with sex and penis sizes. OMG! You would not believe the number of options on this topic. There are a ton of them… As a woman who enjoys having sex with men… and enjoys cocks of almost all sizes… and enjoys a variety of cocks and the men who are attached to them… I don’t get this huge area of insecurity…

I read 9 of the articles and blog posts of countless numbers… and in those 9 articles, the same things were mentioned in all of them… It can be based on one word… assumptions.

So many men according to these articles and studies… assume women want big, thick cocks. Few men have ever asked their partner if they want a big, thick cock or an average cock or a slightly smaller cock.

As a woman before swinging… and as a swinger… I cannot tell you the size of most of the guys I have been with… but I can tell you what guys knew how to use their cock. If I am being honest… I can mention the few times I have been impaled with a large cock and wasn’t that thrilled with it…

Yes, that means… I am not a size queen. I do not want nor need a large cock to beat the shit out of my cervix. Not one of my partners that were in the large size range bothered to tell me of their large size prior to impaling my cervix. I sure wish they had.

I have had a few guys brag that they are huge and think that I want a big cock. It turned me off and we never met and if we met, never had sex. A large cock is not a winning argument.

I have more men tell me that they have a small cock. And apologize for it.

I am not sure why the apology.

I mean, did you have a larger snap on cock you could have chosen that day, but instead snapped on the smaller cock?

To me, apologizing for something you have no control over… is umm, dumb.

Should I apologize for the birthmark I have under my arm?

I will be honest… if a cock is like 2 inches fully erect… yeah, not really going to be much fun for me… I do like to actually be penetrated and feel it…

There was this one guy at a house party once that was quite small. Fully erect. He did however, while using his cock… give me one great orgasm.

Why was this remarkable? Because he knew his size was not great and still made a great experience for me.

I think that is the difference between a guy who has penis size insecurity and one who has come to terms with what he has and has learned to make the most of it…

One point made repeatedly in these articles and studies was that porn has made more men insecure.

This cracks me up in how ridiculous this is… porn in this case is the same for men and women… they are not as likely to show a woman who has stretchmarks from giving birth to a couple kids, a little extra weight, average looking or less than hot… what would be the point? I am not talking about the homemade porn, but those that are shot and have scripted dialogue… (which I never listen to… I don’t care about the back story… I want to see the men)… in regards to men… they are going to show men who they feel meet the qualifications of hot and have a desirable cock. That attracts viewers. A small cock on an overweight man is not going to get a whole lot of viewers…

Yet, men think that the ideal shown on porn… a fit man with a great cock… is what all women want… It may be what gets women to watch the porn… and gets them off… but don’t you think that most women in real life know they are not living in a porn flick?

And if the woman has chosen to be with you… she realizes this isn’t a porn flick?

But according to these articles… men focus on the idealization from porn as a real life indication of what women want.

So does that mean you expect all women to look and act like a porn queen?

See, makes no sense…

Another point made in the articles… most men do not see very many cocks, do not touch very many cocks, and do not talk about the variances in cocks.

Think about that one for a minute or two…

If you would look at other cocks, touch other cocks, talk about other cocks…

OMG! That would make you GAY!!!!

Just joking. It won’t make you gay to look at another man’s cock and find out some details about his cock…

It might be awkward… but then again, I am writing a blog post about swinging… swinging puts you in small locations where you can actually umm, see, touch, and talk about cocks with your wife, the other man, the other wife… and a lot of other cocks… depending on your adventure…

All you have to do is talk about it… ask about it… look at it… touch it…

And again, this is not about being gay or bisexual… it is about being in control of your sexuality. Being secure in your sexuality. Being open to discussion and that includes awkward moments talking about cocks.

Doesn’t that seem to be the basis of most insecurities? Whether male or female, the lack of communication is what causes many people to hold onto their insecurities. They keep their insecurities deep down inside thinking no one can see them… and if no one can see them then no one will question them… and if no one will question them… then no one will make you address them.

I knew a guy who was afraid to talk to his wife about wanting to swing again. He said it with me many times, but never had the… hmm, guts maybe to talk to his wife about swinging again. He spent a considerable amount of time lying to her and manipulating her. Having one real conversation where he actually said all he wanted to say to her would have taken only a fraction of time compared to all the manipulating and lying he did. He was afraid she wouldn’t love him anymore if he was honest. I think the reality of it was, he didn’t want to hear no if he asked directly. I also found the irony of him being afraid to be honest with her… and spent so much time lying to her and manipulating her when if I was that wife… I would be far more pissed that he was lying and manipulating me rather than being honest with me….

Insecurities make people do some stupid shit. Really stupid shit. It can mess you up in many ways.

There were a few play partners that worried so much about their cock size being pleasing that they couldn’t get hard. A hard 4 inch cock is much more pleasing than a limp 4 inch cock… To me that would be obvious. To them, not so much.

One potential partner was so worried he wouldn’t please me orally that he told me over and over how he is not very good orally… I chose not to meet him at all. I don’t want to have to spend all my time reassuring you. Who would? If you fear you are not good at oral… I don’t know, study up on it. I don’t want to hear how you will fail me before you even try. What if you do whatever it is you do that makes me have one of the best orgasms of my life? But because you annoy me with your insecurity before we even meet, I choose not to meet…

Insecurities make a person selfish, self-centered, and often rude.

Think about it… you have a 5 inch cock and you think I want a 12 inch cock. You decide to worry about it to the point you can’t get it hard… then you have a pity party because you couldn’t get hard because you focused solely on your cock size being inferior… You are being selfish by thinking you are the only one in this equation… you aren’t. It is you and me having sex… so, maybe you could get your focus off you all the time and ask me… what size cock do I like…

I would be more than happy to tell you my range of fun sized cocks are between 5 and 8 and the best is about 6 to 6.5 inches… you know… it really hits the spot… so it could be said that is my sweet spot… But depending on the position we are fucking in… smaller hits this one spot perfectly… and if we are doing this other position… OMG… 7 or 8 is perfect… but for most positions… 6 is perfect…

Ah, it goes back to communication and realizing that there are two people involved… and if you are worth my time to get to know you… is your cock size really going to make a huge difference?

Let’s be honest… yes and no… for me… too large is too large… too small is too small… but if you are between a range… even beyond what I just mentioned… and you know how to use your cock…

You see, I did have a guy was larger than 8 inches… he asked me what size is perfect for me… I had no idea his cock size at this point… I relayed something to him similar to the 5 – 8 range and why it is good for me… and when we had sex… he put those words into effect… he wouldn’t go all the way in hard and fast until I was ready for it… he would only go in some of the way in other positions according to what I told him… He was 9 inches… and when we did this one position he was able to go all the way in… hard and fast… and it was because my pussy was so very much ready for all of him…

All that to say… it is not really the size of a cock… it is the ability of the owner of the cock to pay attention, listen, control, and appreciate their partner…

When my pussy was ready to take him all in… he pounded hard, he pounded fast… he came as hard as me… it was good… he knew what the fuck he was doing… and that was a good thing… A very good thing…

He was not good because he was large.

He was good because he realized it is not the size of his cock… but his ability to please with his cock… and isn’t that what a girl wants?

Work on your insecurities… male or female… work on them and get passed them or at least get to the point you can leave them at home… everyone will have a better time…

Muah Sophia

Do Swinger Rules Hurt or Help Your Swinger Sex?

Hubby and I have one rule… we both have to agree. We don’t always see eye to eye on the swinging thing… like who or who not to fuck… but we agree on several key points…

We will probably always have a swinger state of mind.

We will probably always want to swing.

We will probably always want someone the other doesn’t want the spouse.

We will probably always want something the other doesn’t when the other does.

We do not have a lot of rules because we understand one basic fact. We can enjoy sex with other people and not hold a particular act sacred as in only done with each other. Our relationship is more than just holding kisses sacred or holding anal sacred… we believe what makes us a couple is more than a sex act… and therefore, no sex act that we want is held up to a sacred level.

I am sure you can guess that I am more vocal and more exploratory in swinging… or at least am willing to talk about it… which brings me to a point…

Sometimes spouses are not on the same page at the same time. When this happens… all kinds of rules pop up and then all kinds of trouble happens.

Think about it… when you tell someone – like a child – do not touch an outlet… that child will begin obsessing about touching that outlet. You tell a child he can’t have a piece of candy, a cookie, or whatever.. the child will throw a tantrum, sneak a cookie or piece of candy and you know they will do whatever they can to get the item they crave.

And you know what… you tell your spouse you can’t kiss… and each time there has been a couple that has told us they do not kiss… one of them did. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And it was never the person who demanded no kissing.

Whenever a spouse reminded their spouse to use a condom… that person who was reminded… tried to not use a condom… even when the condom was right there… EVERY SINGLE TIME. And we use condoms. But by telling someone over and over to remember to use a condom… the urge to not use a condom was there.

Soft swappers that are not ALLOWED to full swap… there is one person of the other couple to try to full swap… EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I would love to think it is because I have a magic pussy they can’t keep their cocks away from… or my hubby’s cock is just that wonderful… but sadly, it is only partially us… for the most part, it is because they were told they CAN’T do something. The other part is us… and here is why it is us… because we are not constricted by the rules of an insecure, jealous or clueless partner.

I am not trying to be mean… but when a person has insecurities, swinger sex sucks. When there is a jealous person, swinger sex sucks. When there is a clueless partner, swinger sex sucks. And by clueless… I mean the type of swinger who fails to realize what it takes to actually have swinger sex that is good, fun, full of passion.

We have been with so many swingers that had some insecurity about their body or their abilities or their relationship and you know what… it fucking sucked. We had to deal with them hiding their body part, focus on their partner more to make sure they didn’t do or say something that will hurt their feelings – like “I love your breasts” – because they feel that the only breasts their spouse can love is theirs.

Insecurities in swinging is very common. Very annoying. And everyone has them. The best swingers do not focus on their insecurities. They focus on their partners. The focus on the person they want to fuck. Not on themselves 24/7.

An insecure swinger will isolate themselves during the “get out there and flirt” state… they think someone will judge them… and they make sure someone can judge them by being isolated at the table…

A jealous swinger moves their insecurities out to the public and will make everyone feel bad about meeting them. Seriously… they will make life miserable for all the swingers they are in contact with. They will make sure everyone has a bad time… and then make sure they suffer a bit more.

The jealous swinger will make sure no one has fun… it HAS TO BE same bed and no real talking unless it is directed to them… no one can explore because of the million of rules that have been enforced so they can feel better by controlling everything. And when the jealous person has deemed ‘everything is done’ everyone must stop, even if they are not finished with the play or the act. And you know it never lasts long enough to make sure even their partner is satisfied. Nope, the jealous person must make life miserable for all.

The clueless swinger is one that is also ruled by their insecurities, jealousies and weird behavior and will sit there and wonder why no one is willing to reach out them or make a pass at them… they are clueless that their behavior of a ‘cold fish’, ‘ice queen’, ‘controlling ass’ and so forth is what is causing someone to ignore them.

But it is also more subtle…

The person who doesn’t like to email, text, or otherwise communicate with a prospective play partner… is quite clueless. This is more obvious when they complain they just don’t have as much fun because it doesn’t seem like their partner likes them.

How do you tell a person, ‘well, do something about it”?

I have seen women not reach out to my husband and their husband is talking my ear off… and when we get to the dinner table… him and I are really connecting, flirting, and wanting the dinner to be over… and my husband is sitting there trying to get the person to talk to him. And she won’t. And she gets pissed because her man and I are hitting it off. Very clueless person here and I am not sure why something as simple making a person feel wanted and desired is so damn difficult here.

I have a few guys I talk to and can send a picture of my pussy or tits… and I get some really odd comments. Now, I do not think you need to gush extensively about my pussy or tits… but when I am sending it in response to their comment about how depressing, sad, boring, or otherwise annoying day in an effort of trying to cheer them up… I kinda think more than ‘nice.’ should said… you know to show appreciation at the effort. I mean, do you really think I am going to send you another picture to get nice. For a guy, I think nice is like a woman’s fine… not as great an answer as you may think.

I have some guys who cannot pay a compliment to save their soul. It comes out as a backhanded compliment. Gotta tell you, a backhanded compliment does not instill warm fuzzies….

My point is this… do you really think I am going to instill any real effort going forward with these guys who don’t seem to get it… as in clueless as to what they are saying (writing) and how it appears to the person receiving it? Nope, I am not.

I am a selfish person… I want to spend time communicating with people who make me feel good. If you don’t make me feel good, I am not going to communicate with you. If you actually hurt my feelings, intentional or not… I am not going to communicate with you. That is just how I am. I am selfish that way.

I can have some really great conversations with people that make me feel good and make them feel good but sometimes, I wonder what the hell are these people thinking when they don’t bother with any communication and expect me to want to fuck them.

I want and need someone to reach out to me and connect with me when thinking about fucking me.

So, I mentioned this topic to several people before writing this blog post to see what I thought was similar to what they thought. And I thought I would ask about their views on this topic.

When couples have rules – spoken or unspoken… it causes a few issues to pop up when both sides are not fully in agreement with the rules. Those I spoke to agreed with that point. Being told ‘no’ tends to make the person denied that ‘thing’ want it more. And often the rules make no sense.

My husband has often been in a situation where¬†the other female was not a ‘texter’ or otherwise a communicator and then they felt the disconnect when they arrived for the dinner, drinks, or play time… When you ask them why they don’t like to text… they say, they do not have time for all that. Yet, they want to feel wanted and they get upset when they see their husband and me feeling all kinds of wanted. The woman’s own rules of not wanting to text limits the ability to have some good swinger sex.

It is not really possible to go from really no communication to sitting at a dinner to getting naked and having swinger sex. You simply cannot get into the sexual vibe if you do not put out a sexual vibe. How can you put out a sexual vibe if you are isolating yourself from the entire group (the other 3) because your rule is you don’t text.

Could you have a phone conversation? Send a few emails?

Often, the person who does not want to text has this mentality that as soon as their potential play partner sees them they will be full of sexual giddiness and they will make them feel so sexy, so desired, so… you know what… I want to scream at them “are you really that fucking clueless?”

If you are at a club or house party, there is an expectation that sexy thing will happen and often you gain that vibe immediately upon anticipation of attending. Believe me there are a few wet blankets still that throw their rules in the mix and dampen and kill the sexual energy vibe… but for the most part, there is an expectation of sexual vibes and sexual energy and sexual activity…

Yet, on a one on one date, few share that… and if you have so many rules that you cannot and will not let anyone enjoy the sexy fun… the vibe is gone… absolutely gone.

I am not anti-rules… I mentioned we have one… what I am is anti-ridiculous-rules-to-prevent-anyone-from-having-fun…

Seriously, what kind of sexy fun can you really have if you have a no kissing rule. I cannot tell you how many times we have run across and tried to get passed someone’s no kissing rule… only to have one part of the couple kiss one of us… so what is the point of a rule that says no kissing?

I am not sure… but I have gotten into a lot of discussions with non-kisser that wanted to fuck me and not respect that I need kissing to get that sexy energy vibe… and they think I am forcing them to kiss… I am not… I am telling you, that as long as you have that stupid rule (and yes, I think it is a very stupid rule) I will not fuck you.

I have seen so many stupid rules placed on lifestyle play that make no sense, are repeatedly broken, and just make swinger sex boring as shit…

I really get tired of these ridiculous rules people have and try very hard to avoid them. I have no desire to play with someone that has a shit load of rules that make it only possible to do one or two things only in the name of sex… “I am sorry, today it is okay for you to kiss my left nipple but not my right because of why?”

I am going to go out on a limb and say that if you have to have a huge list of rules… or you find yourself purposely NOT ENGAGING prospective playmates… or struggling with jealousy and insecurities to the point no one has any fun… maybe, just maybe swinging is not for you.

Sex in the swinger context is supposed to be fun, liberating, exploratory, a bit wild (it is a kink after all – swinging)… and if you have so many rules that sex is so boring people wonder WTF are you swinging for??? Maybe you are not really suited to be a swinger.

The idea of swinging is often very tantalizing for people, the act of swinging is often very different for them… they want the tantalizing feelings… the erotic environment… but because of their ‘whatever’ they make swinging clinical, boring, full of rules and very restrictive… they also talk about leaving the lifestyle and do take extended breaks. What they fail to see is they are the reason swinging is boring or unpleasant or not what they expected…

You have to do the work to have a successful swinging adventure… that means – connecting with people, wanting people, showing passion, desire, need, and want… you have to make people feel how much you want them…

And I am sorry, a swinger so full of rules or unwilling to engage sends a message of how little they want to swing…

Ain’t that really a shame… swinging is fun… as long as you invest in the adventure…

Muah Sophia