Tag Archives: love

Is Swinging A Lifestyle Or A State of Mind?

I am going to ask a question that I have been pondering since I began this sexually social adventure… and I am going to ask you to let me know what you think your answer is to this question…

Is swinging a lifestyle or a state of mind?

Some have told me they think it is a lifestyle… and when asked why it is a lifestyle their answers became a bit fuzzy…

A lifestyle to me is something you live daily… do you swing everyday? Do you let others know that you are a swinger – as in you are openly seen and known as a swinger? If you are a Christian, hippy, new-ager, Wicca, naturalist, herbalist, and other similar categories, you often find yourself telling everyone about what you believe and how you live… so do you talk to everyone you meet about your desire to practice non-monogamy? Do you tell others that you feel variety in sexual partners is a normal and natural way of thinking? Do you live swinging 24/7/365 and who the hell cares who knows?

For the most part, few do… the majority of people keep swinging and their sexually social activities quiet. They do not promote this is what we do… we fuck others for fun… host parties in our house to get our freak on… and post it in public forums… nope, we post it on exclusive sites…

I am that way… I will be honest if asked directly, ‘are you a swinger?’ I will not volunteer the information to just anyone and certainly not to someone I do not believe would be open to it… It is not how I live 24/7/365… but that doesn’t mean I am not doing something in relation to swinging every day whether planning a party, chatting with other swingers, writing this blog… it is a part of me, but it is not something that I will admit to living 24/7/365 as the only thing that identifies me.

I think that if you do not, then it is less a lifestyle than a state of mind…

And when you look at it as a state of mind… what does that mean exactly?

I love the idea of having a variety of sexual partners. I love the idea of having someone or several someones that you have a deeper connection with… I love the idea of poly relationships… and I have put into practice having a variety of sexual partners. I have had some of these partners as a part of a couple date, once and done, multiple play times, and hall passes. I have several people I have a great and deeper relationship than just fuck and go scenarios… and I have a desire for a poly relationship with the right person…

To me, that means I have a swinger state of mind rather than a lifestyle… I am able to understand and to develop a variety of relationships with others like – no relationship, just a random fuck – to a little relationship before we fuck and nothing after -to a friendship to a something even deeper than friendship – to the point of loving someone I met in the lifestyle…

My mindset is open to the opportunities of meeting others and having intimate encounters or adventures with men and women. I do not see this as wrong… I see it as something that is in me that has a need surrounding it… and that need is to find the sex and conversation with others… the social and the sexual parts of an adventure with other people…

As you look around to the many people who are on swinger sites… you see a wide range of people who are looking for variety in their sex lives… who are looking for friends they can fuck… people to hang out with and fuck… people to fall in love with… and people they don’t intend to fall in love with, but do…

I believe that a mother (I speak of mothers as I am one) can love two or more children differently based on who the child is… but just as much as the other… My two boys have a lot of similarities and a lot of differences… one is like me, one is like my husband… but I can see the other parent in both boys… I love one because he is my first born and I love the other because he is my baby… I love one for his sense of adventure and I love one for his steadfastness… I love one for his openness in communication all the time and I love the other when he does open up to me as infrequent as that may happen.

What this tells me… if I am a mother who can love two children with my whole heart but in different ways for different reasons… but love them the same amount, is it not possible that I could love two friends as well. In this case, I am talking about two vanilla friends… you know the ones that are your best friends… can you have to best friends at the same time?

Before you quibble on the BEST FRIENDS means one best friend because only one thing can be best… remember I am a girl who has two favorite colors and will argue that until you get on my NO FUCK LIST… for not realizing that not everything has to be black and white and certainly not for swingers who already live outside the bounds of expected behavior.

I think that is what should be the litmus test for swingers…

Can you have two favorite colors?

Can you have two best friends?

Do you love your children differently and the same?

Do you think outside the box or are you limited by the rules found standard in society for no reason other than someone declared it at some point and time?

I think this leads me to the state of mind reference.

To me, swinging is a state of mind… I am at my most relaxed, least need to control things mindset, and the most willing to go with the flow I can be… I let little bother me in the moment and enjoy the entire adventure…

When I am dealing with regular life… I have to see things in black and white… when I am thinking about swinging and how I fit into swinging and how swinging fits into me… I am able to see a great deal more about how flexible life is and the rules that bind us together into knots even if what we are more like is less like whatsociety expects.

I have never really fit into most categories… I am unaffiliated in politics as I would rather vote on issues and people not parties… I have two favorite colors… I swing… I have always loved people and systems (usually you are one or the other)… I can play a few different sports with either hand (often frustrating my gym teachers and coaches)… I am creative and analytical… I am both Pisces and Aries due to the day of my birth and I have half of the traits of Pisces and half the traits of Aries that people pick out readily… I am bisexual… I am interested in a poly relationship as I feel an abundance of love within me that is seeking another person to receive it… I can quote bible verses and the map of kink… I have written bible studies and erotica…

The point is… there are many sides to a person that do not always fit neatly in a box… having two guys fucking me at the same time turns me on to the point I am a dripping wet mess and can ask them both to fuck me harder… yet, there are times when someone pays me a compliment that causes me to blush like a virgin…

How do you explain what you are when you talk about a swinger when the definition of swinging is so wide open? How do you state this is a lifestyle when you only experienced one-tenth of what is out there? How do you hide something you claim is your lifestyle?

You realize at this point, you have a state of mind. You have a state of mind that is open to the possibility of something more out there than just one man and one woman for the rest of their lives. You realize that you crave variety in sex… in partners… in adventures. You want more than just the normal expectations… and you crave adventures that cannot be considered normal no matter how you try to calm them down.

I love the thrill of meeting a new man and building a connection with him and exploring him sexually. I crave this to the point where I am willing to put myself out there and join swinger sites and communicate with others in order to build that connection and fuck him.

Whether you call it fucking, banging, sex, or FWB… what you are doing is telling others you crave something that doesn’t fit into a box… that will not be considered normal or good for a marriage… yet, for many who swing, it is good for their marriage as they were bored shitless.

In my case, swinging opened up a world to me that was quickly closing in on me… I worked from home and had limited access to others… I craved connections, communication, and variety in sex… this was a state of mind… the euphoria that I felt when I was able to communicate and flirt with a man… and when I had sex with him… it was like a craving was filled… for a while at least.. and then I felt that I was ready for the next person or the next adventure with the same person… that craving in my mind and body was sated…

This leads me to believe it is a state of mind… my mind sees the value in swinging and having these relationships with men and women. Whether a brief moment or a long lasting relationship… it is my state of mind that makes me open to these moments, these people, these adventures…

I would love to know what you think… share with me your thoughts… please let me know… lifestyle or state of mind and why you think that… I am very curious to know…

Muah Sophia

Emotions in Swinging… How Someone Reaches You

I will be honest, I was going to name it Emotions in Swinging – Love Languages, but damn, I would scare some folks off… so for those of you who can handle it… Emotions in Swinging – Love Languages – How Someone Reaches You…

Awesome title.. full of interesting elements of self-discovery… anyone up for self-discovery?

I love to learn more about myself and what I am thinking and why I am thinking it… and this topic does have to do with the comment I wrote about if my expectations are too high…

I don’t think so. My expectations are not too high.

End of blog post for today.

Yeah right. Let me explain why I do not think I have my expectations set to high…

  1. I don’t have to be friends with you to fuck you. Therefore, you really don’t have to do a whole helluva lot to win my affections (pussy) for our quick adventure. Pretty plain and simple there… at times – like when at a club or party… or a hall pass… (Sorta on that, because I do have to get to know you for some safety reasons… since hubby isn’t with me… but, usually the hall pass is set up after I know you and it is under no pretense that it is a first date where sex may or may not happen… it will happen or why would I set it up?) My expectations in this case are I want to have sex with you, fucking strange… and that is all I want… I am assuming that is all you want… if when having this fucking strange – quick once and done encounter, we find that we actually want to do it again… then it changes the dynamics… and to some extent, my expectations…
    1. These expectations begin with, hall pass is likely… doesn’t require much communication other than setting one up… which means my expectations are set with wanting communication when we want to fuck…unless….
    2. It becomes apparent, we want to develop a friendship… then the expectations must be upped a bit… if you want to be friends… then you have to prove to me that you actually want to be friends… and here is the clincher… if you want to just be fucking strange friends… no additional ‘friendly’ communication is needed… just keep it about when can we fuck… but if you declare friendship is wanted… then come on… try a little… my expectations are that you will actually treat me as a friend, where we have conversations about more than the time of day and what’s up… it is an equal distribution of effort in the conversation… See, you have a choice… but don’t tell me you want to be friends, you feel a connection with me… or heavens forbid… ‘fancy yourself in love with me’ and then ask me ‘what’s up’… I will explain that a bit more when we get to the love languages… hold on… it will be good…
  2. If we start off as just interested in meeting and fucking… then there is a moment where we have to decide if we are going to be ‘more friends’ than just fucking strange in the stranger sort of way… and if I invest my time communicating with you… make it worth my time and I will make it worth your time. I have not gotten to the point to where I will just sit there and tell you all the boring shit happening in my day… and while I have a lot of fun and exciting things happen to me, I don’t share most of it as it has nothing to do with the swinger relationship we have and I am not sharing that with someone I don’t think really cares… however, if you ask me what I am doing and I am about to get my pussy fucked hard on a hall pass I will tell you. If I am working on something for a client or other tasks related to work… or I am having a fun little snuggle moment with my puppy… I am not going to give you the details… I may say that I am about to start an appointment, but I won’t tell you if it is a doctor appointment and certainly not what type of appointment because it’s none of your business.. however, if we have been in contact for months or years (and yes, I have had relationships with swinger men for 4 plus years… yay me!) then we are probably at a point where I can tell you more intimate details… like my doctor’s appointment because you can relate… Damn, I forgot where this was going… just a second, let’s see if I can make it relate to where it was supposed to go…. oh yeah, here it is… if our meet and fuck has moved to – something there is a great thing we want to explore… even if it remains as primarily a ‘text friendship’ then I expect you to learn how best to communicate with me… this does not mean you have to change who you are… but you also have to understand, that I have altered how I communicate in general with you to match your style… and you have to do the same to me… this is what you do if you believe you care to continue to communicate with me… and this goes along with the love languages… you will see how this works in a few more paragraphs…
  3. I have every right to stop communication with you if you bore the shit out of me. Again, this is about love languages. If you have read my profile (if you haven’t please do), read my blog posts, forum posts, or my communication with you… and haven’t figured out a little about me in those communications… then you are wasting my time. You haven’t tried… you don’t care… I don’t care either… I am moving on…

Okay, love languages… each person has certain manners of expression of love – how you send and receive love messages… and you can change the word love to feel accepted by a person, understood by a person, cared by a person… and if you change love to friend, you find out what it takes to really connect with a person…

Love languages were developed to improve the relationships of married couples and focus on speaking how the person best hears… it is a Christian or faith based principle, but just like everything else, you can take the concept and apply it to any relationship, faith based or not.

Love languages are words, touch, time, gifts, and acts of service… briefly, I will explain them in a general context and not specifically how it applies to a married couple so you can see, whether you are married or single, swinger or vanilla, you still have these communication styles that mean more than others when someone wants to make a point of letting you know they understand and appreciate you and your uniqueness…

Words – this is described as words of affirmation, however, the opposite of affirmation hurts a words person more than if you were to leave them, refused to give them space or gifts etc… words are how they know you understand them, even if words is not your love language… so, when I say ‘good morning sweetie’ to you (I am using those words to show I am excited to be talking to you and you are more than just another person texting me, you mean something…) and you write ‘morning’… you are telling me, I am not that important, I am a task to get done that day… saying morning instead of morning sexy or morning honey, or morning anything… why not say fucking good morning… or hello sunshine… or something that shows… I MATTER TO YOU at least a little bit… because here is the thing… I want to scream at you… if it is such a chore to make it personal to me or about me… why are you bothering sending anything? It is almost easier to be ignored than to see in writing how little I matter that you can’t put any effort into it…

So, because I know my love language is words… I give the benefit of the doubt to many people that words are not their thing… and even if you are not the next great novelist… does it really take that much effort to make a text personal? Can you not say… morning Sophia, I hope you are having a great day… instead of morning?

Touch – touch is my second highest love language… I love little touches… brushing a hand across my back or shoulders, playing with my hair, holding my hand, touching my thigh with your hand… kisses… soft and tender just to let me know you are there and have to touch me… No words are needed… but damn, if you put some sweet words in the mix… I am yours… I know you care, I know you want me, I know you understand me…

Time – Time is quality time. Where someone spends time with you and often doing things with you that you like. If you are a time and touch person… then that time is spent touching you… and not just sex… but yes, that includes sex.. but it might be spending time watching a movie, snuggled up next to each other, talking about the movie and other things… and the focus is not on watching the movie (no telling the person to be quiet or asking what did they say…) but knowing that the time is focused on the person because you want to let the person know, spending time with you is important.

I know from ‘texting’ with people fairly early on if words are the thing that matters to them or if it is the time I spend communicating with them… or if when we are together… touch is important to them… (they will usually start touching me first… a good clue they want it returned and it is not just sexually). I also know if they like acts of service or gifts… I will explain them now…

Acts of Services – Acts of service is somewhat difficult to explain in a context of swinging… oh, who am I kidding, it is easy… if in a texting relationship and you haven’t met them yet… you can tell if they are an acts of service type of person… if their conversation is about what they want to do with you…. and it is not just oral sex… but they want to wine and dine you… they want to make you feel that you are the belle of the ball when they are with you… they are an acts of service person… if the person talks about how she wants to spend their time together exploring him and doing what he loves… a blow job, anal (yep, there are guys out there who like that) or whatever else… she is either an acts of service person or understands that you are and wants to reach out to you and let you know you were heard and she wants to make you feel wanted, heard, and appreciated.

Gifts – Gifts are the kind of thing that kinda upsets people when talking about it in the context of swinging… Many are like… I am not going to bring you gifts… alrighty then, no one said you had too… but are you the type of person who loves to bring a hostess gift and get all giddy about figuring out what you are going to give them… because you love it… or you offer to make and bring something… or you love picking up the tab… or getting the hotel room… or you think of some awesome toy that you can bring that will show him/her you care?  You have a love language of gifts…

Okay, so you have a brief synopsis of what love languages are… they are how you communicate and love to receive communication from someone that says you matter to them…

When you are looking at whether or not you are going to be friends with someone, then you have to pay attention to them… if their love language is words and touch like mine are… and you don’t connect with me in words or touch… I am out… I have nothing to do with you… there is no connection. None whatsoever… I have no reason to continue… I try a few times to see if it will work, but if you can’t recognize that I am needing something more to connect…

Possibly you see this in some of the things I write about in past posts… how communication that is all about you and what you want is so boring to me…  If I want to read your profile, I will. If your profile is all about your rules, you lost me… I don’t care what you want and don’t want… I want to know how will we connect… do you have a sense of humor – according to most profiles… NOPE! I want to know if you think of others besides just yourself. If your profile doesn’t tell me of the person behind the rules… I don’t want to get to know you… why? Because you lack understanding that you have to be appealing to me at first impression… not a swinger nazi with dictates on how to make you even remotely consider me… But let’s say you want to argue with me that words is not your strong suit… I agree, words are only part of the process… and in regards to love languages… a profile full of rules and standard overly used phrases… does nothing to tell me what you are like… However, if you mention something in your profile that talks of going for hikes, bike rides, the beach, having cook outs, watching the sun set… any of those things… you are telling me that time is a huge love language for you… if you talk about how you love to host people and go on vacations with them… possibly sharing a cabin you are renting… that says you are a gifts type of person… if you say you love sensual massages, making out, just touching each other in sensual manners… you are saying you are a touch love language person… and if you say that you love people who can chat about anything, loves to laugh, positive, upbeat… lots of fun… you want someone who is words and possibly time mixed pretty equally as those things take both words and time…

Do you see how a profile can tell people who to best approach you to make a connection start?

I have heard many people tell me that my blog posts, forum posts, chat, profile, party invites spoke to them… straight to the heart… they connected with something I wrote and mattered to them… they felt they knew me and liked me instantly… those are the people who have similar love languages to mine… and those who read my words where I talk about touching them… whether running my fingers through their hair, touching their chest, kissing them or even taking their cock out of their pants and worshiping it as it deserves… yes, they feel those words… they hear the words and see the actions in their minds and they feel the touches… even through the computer… they connect with me because of something I share with them…

A connection builds through my words… and you see how maybe, just maybe if we did meet or at least talk some that we would be able to have a deeper level of ‘swinger’ relationship… Is that wrong? No, it is what most people profess to want as friends with other swingers, yet never go that step to make it happen. Not once, not at all. Their profile is standard cut and paste swinger quotes and they declare they want friends as we ask… who do you expect to get friends… you show no emotions… no feelings… nothing in your profile… and then…

Possibly you see why when you are sitting across from me and touching only your spouse, I feel nothing of chemistry or sexual energy towards me… and I am out… there is nothing I need to feel wanted, desired, or even liked a little… I am out…

Ask yourself, how many times have you felt that way? Or you made others feel this way? Probably a lot of time and you don’t realize what happened or better yet, didn’t happen that kept them from connecting with you. And then when you did connect and the connection was greater than you expected… why is that? Did they speak your love language?

So many people close themselves off to others for a variety of reasons… and often they find out after the fact how much they lost out on because they failed to look at others and what they want or need or how to best communicate.

I have some people I text that for the most part it is a 2-way equal communication partnership… and then there are times when all I do is listen or read what they have to say… because at that time, that is what they need most of… someone to listen (Time and Acts of Service)… those are not my two main love languages… but I know that this is something they need me to do for them… and that is the beauty of love languages…

Mine are not the same as yours… even if they are the same as yours by chance… how it develops from your perspective is not the same as mine… you won’t read as much or more than me in the words… and your touches may not be the same as mine… but we can see that these are important… and we give what each other needs… if you are interested in learning what is your love language or languages (as you can have more than one)… google it. I will not put a link on here for a particular reason. If I do, it will track back to me. I don’t need a bunch of Christians contacting me about my blog and the many sins I commit talking about sex and especially swinging… but you can google it and Gary Chapman is the author if my memory is correct… love languages and they have a quick quiz you can take to find it out… free of course.

Now, to get back on track…

When your gift is acts of service and gifts… an act of service and a gift to someone who loves words and touch is to take the time to listen to them, take the time to write back what they need from you… and in most cases, it is not affirmations such as you are sexy, hot, smart, or other compliments… but in most cases, making the words you choose count… instead of saying your daily task of morning… you take a few more seconds and write out… “morning Sophia, was thinking about you and wanted to say hi…” When you do that, you are doing an act of service, giving a gift, providing words of affirmation, taking time to make sure I know you care, and that really touches a words girl/guy’s heart… damn, you will be a rock star if you do that as you will have all the love languages covered… and you know what… when you touch someone that well by using their love languages… they want to share back with you… remember the warm fuzzies I talked about… this is the start of those warm fuzzies… don’t you want warm fuzzies? I do.

This is what is so hard for people to understand… swinging is about sex… but if you profess you want lasting and deep friendships, you actually have to get to know the person. You have to be willing to be honest with the person. You have to be willing to give of yourself to the person.

All of that takes emotions… so are emotions really bad in the lifestyle?

Not at all.

What is bad to most people is taking the risk in sharing your emotions… your feelings… it is scary sharing your feelings with others… letting someone know what you feel and what if they don’t share the same feelings? What if they laugh at you? What if they feel the same as you?

What is scarier… that they don’t feel the same or that they do?

I have had some guys who after a few brief conversations with me and fucking me… they claim they fell in love with me.

Is that flattering? Damn right it is.

But is ist really love?

Well, I will dive into that next time… bet you are excited about that topic…

Muah Sophia