Tag Archives: social aspects of swinging

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 3 A Bit More About Flirting

So, how did everyone do practicing your flirting skills? I have complete faith in you that you were actually coming our of your shell and flirting like hell… (a rhyme there… did you hear my voice filled with laughter and rhyming… hahaha).

First thing this morning, I woke up thinking… there are a few other things I need to mention about flirting…

Have you ever seen someone flirt with other people and do it in a way that was umm, over the top? Everything was so obvious that it was flirting and it drove you crazy because you wanted to tell them to knock it off? You don’t want to be that person.

When I told you that I flirt with check out clerks and so forth and so on… it is not over the top where everyone around me is thinking… “Why the hell are you flirting with THIS person?” The flirting in this situation is more focused on ‘flirting with the intention of making people feel good’ rather than ‘flirting with the intention of getting laid’. Even in sexually social adventures… I flirt, not with the intention of getting laid… but flirt with the intention of making people feel good. That is the general attitude of my flirting with most people I meet… unless I want to fuck you… then I start with the intention of making you feel good… and know that you are on my radar so to speak… and then if I have your attention, I make my flirting more along the lines… of I really hope you get what I want to do with you…. usually this works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Why doesn’t it work sometimes?

A lot of reasons… first and foremost… different play styles… maybe I am flirting with them at a house party and they don’t play at house parties, they only play on couples dates… this leads to a new kind of social awkwardness and I promise I will discuss this when we get to that segment of social awkwardness… you know, how to let others know what you can/can’t do without ruining the vibe…

Sometimes it doesn’t work because they don’t know how to take it to the next level… I have flirted with guys and they know I am flirting with them… they know I want them… they want me… they just don’t know how to move to the next level… and so they don’t. That is a form of social awkwardness… for some people it is because they lack confidence in themselves… sometimes it is because they are moving faster than their spouse is and they have to wait to see if their spouse can connect with my spouse (think party/club situation not just couple dates)… and sometimes, there is the whole ‘we have so many rules that will be broken if I pursue this with you, that I am so scared of fucking up with my spouse that my nerves are affecting my brain and my genitalia…

Let’s look at the confidence, or lack of confidence. This is a huge component to most of the social awkwardness anyone feels in the swinger world and in the rest of their world. I have a confession to make… I may come across as confident and most of the time I am… but you won’t know those times when I am not so confident… Why? Because I won’t tell you that I feel less than confident… and I will – here is the big secret… I will fake it until I believe I am confident…

Yep, there you have it… when I am not feeling that confident, I fake confidence… and then I feel more confident because I did it and well… I now know I can do that – whatever it was that I lacked confidence in – and now feel confident…

Do you get my point?

I have stated it in a number of ways so far in this series and will continue to state in a variety of ways… don’t talk down to yourself or about yourself. Stop using your past view that you are not good at something because it didn’t net you the results you thought it  would… or use it as a ‘save face’ in case you fail method of dealing with things… It is ridiculous to do as it hampers you ability to succeed and it drives those around you nuts…

I am a girl who is always thinking of something to do, write, say, or rehash on how it could go better… for me, this blog is a way to process some things about this part of my life and I love to be able to dissect what went on – both good and bad… I say this for this reason… when you tell me something like “I am not good sexting” or “I am not good flirting” or “whatever else you think you want to tell me you aren’t good at” – I am thinking, then why are you wasting my time.

There you have it…

When a guy approaches me and tells me that he isn’t good at flirting… I am asking myself and holding back the urge to ask… “Then why come over here and waste my time?”

I would love to do that and just see what they say.

When a guy says that to me, they are telling me – not in the words they say but the words I hear – “I know I am going to crash and burn and that means I am not going to put forth my best effort and just hope you will take pity on me and fuck me (swinger setting remember)…”

Here is what I want to tell him… if you can’t put forth any real effort and take the focus off of yourself for a few moments to say something that will build me up in order for me to want to engage you…. what are you going to be like when we have sex?

Don’t think other people think this as well? Well, you are wrong.

Flirting isn’t a one sided effort – both have to engage in the flirting for it to work… however, you cannot flirt with someone if all you can think about is yourself. You have to think about the other person first and foremost… which means – don’t tell me you suck at flirting…

Most people on the receiving end of first flirts are so tickled that someone noticed them, took the time to engage them… it literally sets off reactions in your brain and body that boosts the desire to continue to engage with the person…

HALF THE BATTLE OF FLIRTING IS DONE FOR YOU AFTER YOUR FIRST WORDS TO THE OTHER PERSON!

Yes, I was yelling that… while laughing… because this is so important… if the brain hears and recognizes the flirting happening… and the brain sends out messages to release certain happy feeling hormones and other responses…. why on earth would you fuck it up?

Do not fuck it up. Do not go on about how you can’t flirt, have no game, can’t sext, etc., etc. You put a stop to the goodness happening in their brain and body… and why would you do that?

I think I talked about that enough… flirt = happy hormone release = continued engagement = they won’t evaluate your flirt skill = they just want to fuck you…. (non-standard equation, but then again, swingers are non-standard to begin with)

Swingers are by definition (nothing to do with the single female or male in this general conversation here, but not saying they aren’t a part of the swinging adventure)… swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Now, this does not count the married folks who have an account and are actually cheating on their spouses… or any other version of that… and it is not excluding poly… and so forth and so on… it is just a general definition… for this purpose… (I typed that all in one breath and need to take a deep one now)…

Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat after me… Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat again…. Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others.

Why am I having you repeat this over and over again?

Because… if we know the definition, do we really need to be told all the time what you do with your spouse?

When you were dating before marriage, did you mention your previous boy/girlfriend at ever conversation? Did you mention your current boy/girlfriend to prospective dates? LOL…

If swingers understand that as a couple you are swinging together – as in she knows you fuck strange, he knows you fuck strange (FWB, Hall Pass, whatever you do)… do you need to remind the person who you are trying to flirt with…

Here is a conversation I had with someone… (believe me I have all kinds of fun conversations to add to the blog… damn my memory)

“Hi Sophia”… (I was wearing a name tag at this party)

“Hi sweetie”… (He wrote his name where I couldn’t read it)

“Is this your first time here?” (I will admit that is a stupid first line in flirting… try something original – like, “we love coming to these parties, the hosts are great.” Then I could have said something like… “This is our first time… ”

“Nope, we have attended this party a number of times… by the way… I can’t read your name… what is it?” (Do you happen to see where I went from flirty – sweetie – to rather ‘whatever sounding’ when I go to its not our first time to “what the fuck is your name dude, if you want someone to know who you are then write clearly…” yeah, that is what I was thinking…

“My wife has awesome tits.”

Awesome… go hang out with your wife and her awesome tits… see where they went so wrong so fast… he just did not get that if he wants to flirt with me… and even if he wants to have someone to talk to as his wife is going around blowing any guy with his cock out… he has to engage me… flirting is one way to do that…

Wonder what my response was?

“Since I don’t know who your wife is, I wouldn’t know about the awesomeness of her tits. I am going to head to the restroom and then get something to drink… excuse me”.

Here is another example of talking to much about your spouse… and not having your rules in sync…

“Hey Sophia, how are you liking the party?”

“I am having fun… are you?”

“I am, I want to do some fucking tonight… my wife and I fucked liked bunnies earlier today and I can’t wait to fuck some women tonight here. I just hope she doesn’t get mad. She doesn’t like to fuck at house parties.”

“Well, enjoy.” Exit stage right…

I wish you could see me right now… I am trying to talk myself out of banging my head on the desk… Seriously, recalling these conversations makes me want to bang my head on the desk… utter fail on both of those guy’s part.

Each one contacted me after the party and asked if we could meet up sometime to play… WTF? Why? To bore me endlessly with your stories about your wife’s tits or how much you fuck.

Now, you may wonder if I have a problem when the attention is not on me. I don’t. To be very honest, I don’t fuck every single person who flirts with me. Most of the time, I will flirt with them with no desire to fuck them… ever.

The point is, if they really wanted to fuck me and they thought this manner of engaging me would work, they are stupid.

If you want to get laid in the lifestyle, you do have to do some work… and talking about your spouse, using cheesy or just plain stupid conversation bits that does nothing to make the other person have a rush of happy hormones throughout their body…

Flirting is a process that requires you to be aware of what you are doing and saying and yet appear that it comes naturally – and it can… if you are paying attention to the person you are flirting with… assess, reassess, and adjust your flirting as necessary… and don’t bring your spouse into the mix…

This has to be the most obvious but more often than not missed part of flirting… don’t use your spouse as your selling point to being able to fuck someone. For example: trying to sell me on your wife… just because I may or may not be BI… doesn’t mean that I am interested in her pussy or tits. Don’t tell me she is great at oral. I don’t give a shit… I am not flirting with her… tell me something about you… tell me something that matters to me… and yes, make it about me… so that I know you actually want me rather than as a prop in your fantasy…

Most swingers feel some guilt about having sex with other people and enjoying it as much or in a very different and somewhat better way than with their spouse… this guilt they feel hinders their ability to flirt, be honest with their partner (spouse and new play partner) and hinders the excitement during the sex.

Don’t believe me?

Think very hard about what I said… and ask yourself, have you ever not said something because you might hurt your spouses feelings… like ‘damn girl, how you suck my cock, I have never felt that before?’ or ‘your pussy feels like home around my cock’ or ‘your tits are perfect’… or what if you said those things and your spouse got pissed… and that told you never to say it again… or have you seen a couple that had that happen while you were with them… and felt the awkwardness.

I am going to be honest here, a lot of the swinging awkwardness is not because you are not good at flirting, or shy until you get to know us… it has more to do with the ability to recognize guilt -hidden or not hidden – you feel about enjoying sex with someone other than your spouse… what if you enjoy sex with someone else more than your spouse? What if you get more emotional connection from someone else other than your spouse? What if you found someone else you fell in love with? Or what if, you realized that you need more than what your spouse can give you?

People feel guilty thinking about those things. Guilt makes people do things they think are hiding the truth, but in reality, cause you to act differently and that makes people notice you aren’t the same as you were before… thereby causing them to ask you ‘what is going on?’

Just a sorta related bit on flirting… social awkwardness… and other issues too numerous to mention here… but just think about it…

One guy told me that his wife hates it when he flirts with other women. I asked him how often do you have swinger sex. He told me they have been swingers for 6 years. They have never full or soft swapped because he can’t flirt with other women because she won’t let him and the other women say they don’t want to play with someone who won’t even act like they want to fuck them. His wife flirts with everyone all the time. She has to have the attention only on her. That causes him to have forced social awkwardness. And according to him… he hall passes without her knowledge. This was via a comment that wasn’t posted on the blog from a previous topic about cheating and hall passes.

Go out there everyone and get your flirt on… remember that you, only you can make it yourself a flirt master…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feedback On What Do You Like Most About Swinging?

I tell you what, I enjoy getting feedback on what I write, even if it is not in agreement with me. Why? Because it makes both of us think about what was said, how it was said, and determine if there is any room for changing our opinions on what is said. Believe it or not, my opinions often change to varying degrees when I get feedback from others. Does that mean I go completely different on my opinion? Nope… My original opinion is still the same, but with some considerations for other points given.

I received feedback on the What Do You Like Most About Swinging? and it was very interesting to say the least.

I was asked why I keep pointing out that I am a swinger who likes to swing… Very good question. Here is my answer.

So many swingers I have talked to (chat, email, text, kik, in person, on the phone) or read their posts on the walls, profiles or forum posts act like it is some type of swinger sin to admit that they like to fuck strange. And by fuck strange, I mean have sex with someone who is not their significant other.

I don’t have a problem admitting I like to fuck strange. I like to fuck friends and I like to fuck acquaintances and I do like to fuck people who are very much a stranger to me as in I barely know their name (club or party setting please). I am not ashamed to say that I like to fuck other people. Therefore, when I talk about what I like about swinging best… it is in fact, fucking others. I readily admit that I also love meeting people (kinda have to do that when you fuck others), I love chatting with people (anyone who has had any kind of communication quickly knows that I love to get to know them… both sexually and all other aspects of their lives), I love to develop friendships with others (as long as a friendship is actually going to happen and not forced to happen just to fuck…

So you see, I am a well rounded swinger… but make no mistake… I like to fuck others.

The social aspects of the swinging or sexually social adventures happen naturally with me. I don’t need to say that I like to have friendships – those who have become my friends – however the friendships form… know that I like to have friendships and value their friendships. I don’t need to say that I like meeting people – obviously if I want to fuck others I need to meet others… I don’t need to say any of those social niceties – to justify that I like to fuck strange.

Many people do not really wish to fuck strange. They simply enjoy the sexual nature of the lifestyle. They like to be naked, see naked people, talk dirty, fantasize, and other ‘social’ aspects rather than fuck strange.

Awesome for them… they will tell people that they are into this part of it as to lessen the disappointment that comes with wanting to fuck someone who doesn’t fuck others… or rarely fucks others.

Some people are super picky as to who they will fuck… I mean the list of criteria is so huge and so specific, no one really ever fits into the ‘wish list’ and they can say they just haven’t met anyone… I am just guessing here, they really don’t want to admit they are in it solely for the social aspects of it… and this will make them look special or elite and build up their followers of those who hope they will be picked to be the special partners chosen to have sex with…

You see, I am not into that… I don’t hold anyone that high up in swingerville. If you think you are so damn special that we all have to jump hoops and hope and pray you will pick me… well, pass me over. I am not a fan of Jim Jones (early childhood trauma watching news reports about that) and I am certainly not going to be your follower for some poor pathetic scraps of whatever you throw out to those who are dying for it…

I have never in my life had a list of criteria a mile long and certainly unattainable for what people must do to be my friends… nor my boyfriend or husband. I am certainly not going to build one for people I want to fuck. You see… I do not have friends that all look the same… I do not have a past of boyfriends that all look the same… why would I have a specific type of person that must look the same as swingers?

Does that mean I am not picky?

Of course not… I am selective on who I become friends with… who I fuck… who I suck… but I am not using that as a reason not to fuck someone… I know this appears a little off the topic.. but it does go along with another comment I received… “Shouldn’t people have criteria as to who they fuck?” My answer… “yes, they should, for whatever reason, turn you on.”

Isn’t it really that simple?

I know a lot of people find Brad Pitt and George Clooney very sexy. I don’t. Neither one of them. Why? Because of the attitude they portray in the public. I know they may be awesome guys in their private lives… but unfortunately, what I see is not so appealing to me. I have my own list of guys I do find attractive and appealing in the celebrity world… and if one looks at them very closely and breaks down what I find appealing about them… you will see a wide range in there… none of them are exactly alike.

If you look at the men who are my closest ‘swinger’ friends… you will see nothing much in common with them. Not the same height, body shape, jobs, family structure, education level, nor even the same types of conversations they have with me… but what they do have is they have connected with me on a level that spoke directly to me… Yes, that social aspect… but that was not what I was looking for when I started talking with them.

I have had more long term ‘friendships’ (however they are defined) with 4 guys that started early in our adventure. We talk through various means on a very regular basis. We started our adventure in March of 2013. These four have been there since the first 6 months. There are some guys (6) that are going on 2 and 3 years of regular to semi-regular communication. When it is semi-regular communication it tends to be several long and deep conversations rather than the two texts per day that others seem to think is quality communication. Have I played with all of these men? Nope. Some I have, some I hope to play with someday when the location issues are no longer an issue. The point is… how can I have this many guys that I talk to on a regular or semi-regular basis and have deep or intimate conversations with if I am not open to the social aspect of swinging.

But make no mistake… I am not ashamed about the fact that I like to fuck others. I am not going to make comments to others to appear to be ‘deeper’ or ‘classier’ of a swinger by saying my goal is to make life long friends. True friendships happen when you least expect it and when you aren’t looking for them… otherwise it is a forced or faked friendship… because just as true love and emotional connections that we have in our lives… they just happen when no one is looking for them.

Be bold folks… if you like fucking strange… go ahead and admit it… those who really understand who you are and what you bring to the table, will know that you are one who likes to be honest and be bold… and damn, ain’t that sexy?

Muah Sophia