Tag Archives: social awkwardness

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 11 – Final Thoughts and Reader’s Comment

I have had a wide range of responses from readers and that really told me that there are two main groups of people… those who want to continue to improve and those who don’t. Some of my responses that showed people want to continue to grow really felt good to read. And no, not just because the people thought what I wrote were great words of wisdom… but because it gives hope that a number of swingers want to make sure they are upping their game to the point where they are willing to change their SOP (standard operating procedures)… a number of folks recognized the changes they need to make because they are not happy with the results…

Here are a few of the ‘happy comments’ I received… with permission to share them as written on the blog.

“I suck at flirting. I know this. My wife knows this. How I got her, I don’t know. But I suck at flirting. I decided to flirt with check out clerks like you suggested. The first time, I was lame. The second time I went too far. The third time, the guy behind me laughed hard. I didn’t ask him what he was laughing about, I failed and I knew it. My wife laughed at me to. The fourth time I got closer to getting it right. I felt good about my attempts. the clerk did to. I had to go to different stores or the store would have thought I was a creeper. We had a date last weekend. I practiced my flirting by text with my ‘date’ and found I wasn’t to bad by texting. When we met, I flirted with her in person and that is very hard. She laughed at me a few times. I asked her why she was laughing. She asked why I was making weird faces while flirting with her. I told her about your blog. We all pulled it up on our phones. Not really something to do on a date as we siad nothing and just read the blog posts. Her husband told her to switch seats with my wife. We did. Waitress was not happy. We all agreed to do a ‘do over’ and start the date over. The other couple any my wife and I decided to follow your blog as what to do. We told ourselves it was to put your blog posts to a test. Some how we forgot about your blog test we were conducting and just started dating each other’s spouses like you said to do. We were so turned on. The guys were hard, the girls were wet. My wife was flirting up a storm. So was I. It wasn’t hard when we decided to focus on our date instead of ourselves or spouses. All four of us raced to the closest hotel. The ones who were not driving read what to do on the date posts. The guys took the lead. We followed what you said when we got to the hotel room. We walked into the hotel me with the other wife, my wife wiht the other husband. It was hot. We started kissing and touching like you said to do. The whole night was hot. It wasn’t our first swap but it was the best swap. We all agreed. I loved that you were right. If we get over ourselves we can have some great time having sex with other people. You have a devoted follower Sophi. Thanks so much for writing the blog. You have a way of talking straight to the person reading. You don’t sugar coat swinging. It does take work and it is so worth the efforts.”

Now, isn’t that something to feel good about. Not because he said I was right and a great writer or anything along that route. But isn’t it something to feel good about because you can improve not only your game but the entire swinging adventure you are on… Granted it may not be easy to get people to read my blog while at the table in a restaurant on a swinger date… but you could always send the potential date a link of the post that means quite a bit to you and then tell them, this is what we do. We tried it and it works. Do you want to try it too?

Here is a short one… “Sophai, great series of articles on social awkwardness. you don’t really hold back any punches and I am glad. i have had so mny guys do the bare minimum and I don’t get it. I swing because I love fucking guys. If they love fucking girls, why don’t they do something to improve. typing on my phone. sorry about my grammar. but work breaks just aren’t very long. keep writing. guys and girls need to do better when swinging.”

I received a lot of those that really made me feel better… and I have shared a few that were not so good… because I did not address the person who told me I didn’t know my head from my ass except for in the blog… I received this reply… “youve got some nerve using my comment in your blog. You think you so smart. Really how died and make you queen of swinging?”

I have a cute little picture I love to share with people who comment to me that someone is fucking with me on the forums… They are doing it so I won’t feel bad… offering me support… but I don’t really care if people agree with my opinions on the forums… or here… it is my opinion, my point of view… you can like or not like it… you can try to sway me on my opinion…and sometimes people are successful at getting me to change my opinion… but if you hate what I wrote… remember this… I am a writer… I write with the intention of instilling passion in you when you read what I wrote… whether love or hate… that is passion… lukewarm does nothing for a writer… except force them to be a stronger writer to instill some sort of passion in you…. so I will put it on here… just for fun… I really don’t think I am a queen of anything… but here you go…

queen

I also sent that picture to the person who commented to me. Here is what I wrote… “thank you for the comment, I am sorry you don’t care for what I wrote in my blog or in response of your comment. I take great satisfaction that I have instilled passion in you and your responses to my blog. As to your comment of “who died and made you queen of swinging?” Since this blog is about MY adventures while I swing… No one had to die to make me the queen of my swinging adventure. Hence the picture of a queen telling you not to fuck with her… it is humorous if you think about it objectively. As much fun as this is to generate nasty comments from you… I will tell you that I am posting these comments on the final post of the social awkwardness series and after that, send as many comments as you want… you will be ignored. Negative consequences for your choice of negative behavior… thanks for reading my blog.”

Nothing since then… must have found a different blog to troll.

I have received a few other negative responses that went on about the fact that I pick on men… I don’t pick on men. I just have more stories about men as that is most of my contact. I have shared a number of girl stories of girls doing bad… or stupid… but my main love of swinging is fucking guys… I WANT TO FUCK GUYS… I just don’t want to fuck stupid guys with no game, no desire to up their game, and 5 minutes of missionary is not my idea of fun… the purpose of writing this blog is to cause the less than desirable men to up their game… to make them more desirable for me and other women… is that too much to ask?

No, it is not too much to ask.

If you are going to ask a woman what she is going to wear for you… she should be able to ask you, what are you going to wear for me?

If you are not going to flirt, why should a woman?

And I have purposely kept many genders out of the back room comments to me… some are from men, some are from women… women want men to up their game… men want women to up their game… it is not that hard…

My final thoughts on this topic… is not so final. I have a few other areas that I want to talk about on social awkwardness that I will wait and address later…

But here is something that you must remember… I enjoy swinging. I enjoy communication with others. I enjoy fucking other men and playing with select women who have engaged me. What I want from my swinging adventure are men and women who are truly deserving of me. Not based on looks, but on the amount of effort they put forth in engaging me.

I do the same for those I communicate with.

I also cut back on the effort with those who do not put forth any effort with me.

If you have communicated with me and have hot and heavy breathing after we have chatted in the past, but now not so much… ask yourself why?

If you can’t seem to get me to share with you hot and heavy conversations and we have just started the communication… ask yourself why?

There has to be a reason. Have you ever asked, “what am I doing or not doing?”

My hubby reads the blog and he has decided to up his game in communicating with me… he tried ‘heyyy sexy’… and I will tell you what… that just grated on my nerves… I told him that… not after he wrote it… but while driving in the car on a 4 hour round trip visit last week… told him that annoys me… doesn’t fit you saying that to me… what does my hubby do… he sends me a text this week while he was at work and I was traveling… ‘sweetheart’ was the term he used… that fit… that made me feel very special… very dear… very wanted… why? because he listened to me…

Another guy starts his texts to me with ‘hey sexy’ and for him it fits… would I tell him that it doesn’t fit? Nope, I wouldn’t. Because the type of relationship we have… he lives across the country and it’s not like it will be more than fun conversation…

The point is this… everyone is different. I cannot have the same type of reaction to the same thing with the same people (only exception I can think of is I don’t like being called a slut or whore no matter the level of endearment you claim to have for me)… but I know that I have to be accepting of how someone is… to a degree… if it is something I just can’t tolerate, I have to say something… if it is something that fits the person and the ‘relationship’… it means that person is unique to you for a particular reason and that is okay… you cannot do the same things to everyone and expect the same result.

The purpose of these posts on social awkwardness in swinging is for you to examine yourself and your areas of weakness and to build them up. No one is immune to this… I certainly am not… Since I was writing these posts in this series I upped my game when I went to a networking event yesterday… first meeting for this group and I wowed them… I am not being a ego maniac here… but I did… I wowed them. How do I know? I obtained 4 strong leads for new clients, 2 or 3 soft leads, a lunch meeting, and I won the door prize (just damn good luck my card stood out from the rest…). I decided to up my game and be my true self, the self that I enjoy being and often do not fully enjoy in these types of situations. Remember when I said I would often sit quietly and observe… this time, I led instead of followed. I did things that I wouldn’t normally do… and I was in a group of realtors… LOL… Just a joke as many realtors know how to really work a room… and I out shined the realtors…

This is all to say… I practice what I preach. I really do try to up my game in all situations. I write as a manner to identify, improve, investigate, inspire, and incorporate… yes, the five I’s I employ…. This is another time when I messages are very good… I need to identify what I need to improve upon. I need to improve on areas where I am weak. I need to investigate how to improve myself in particular areas. I need to find inspiration and inspire the desire to change and grow. I need to incorporate those ‘ideas’ mentioned previously in order to make the change actually work…

There you have it… a self-reflection bit from me. I receive more than $100 an hour from  my clients for that… and all you had to do was read a blog about swinging…

Now go out and swing with confidence and good game…

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 10 Eye Contact and Other Appropriate Topics

I had a friend send a text before I started this series and ask me a question… here is the text communication we had.

“Ok, so I gotta give a little insight first. So when guys stand at urinals in a bathroom there is sort of this unspoken rule that you can talk, but you always look straight forward…. So my question is, is there the same unspoken rule when playing with a couple or a group? I find it difficult for me to look at another guy when we are in that scenario. Either during play, or even making eye contact in the pillow talk after play. Am  I weird? lol Mind you, this is not some major psychological problem, I ask with a smile on my face.”

Ah, guys and their cocks… do you look them in the eye when naked? What does that mean? Is there a great hidden meaning?

My answer to him is “It is a social anxiety issue.”

His response – “Huh?”

Not being able to look someone in the eye, no matter the ‘situation’ behind it is a social anxiety issue. So I text him the following…

“Not being able to look someone in the eyes in general is a social anxiety issue. Means you feel uncomfortable looking at them in the eyes in general. If you can do it any other time, then the social anxiety stems from the activity taking place. In this case, swinging sex. You are OK with looking a girl in the eye you are fucking. However, to make contact with a guy is not something you are comfortable with for any number of reasons. Those reasons in general could be…. you just fucked his wife, you don’t want to him to think you like him sexually, you are hiding a desire to look at his cock, you have unresolved bisexual feelings, you are homophobic, or you just can’t figure out why you should..  Again, those are general reasons and not specifically aimed at you despite using the word you in the examples.”

He replied “Hmmm, interesting. I can’t say I disagree with you, I have been honest with myself about it. I am not homophobic. I don’t long to be with a guy in any way, but I love piles where everyone is intertwined. I have thought about there being guilt for just fucking his wife, but he just fucked mine. I really am just curious about it. As you can probably guess, I don’t struggle socially. I can and usually do talk to everyone. Its just in those scenarios where I struggle.”

We went on to discuss some of the social awkwardness others feel in general about looking people in the eyes and looking the person they are fucking in the eyes. For some, this eye contact makes the sex better. Others, find the sex they are enjoying wrapped up in guilt or the guilt they don’t feel guilt. Some can’t look people in the eyes while having sex with them because they didn’t really want to have sex with them… or while having sex with them they see that the sex means more for the other person than it does them.

Some people have trouble looking people in the eyes…and some people have trouble figuring out how long to look someone in the eyes and when to look away… there is a fine line to this looking into one’s eyes… and I will tell you… like with most things, that fine line is between socially acceptable and creepy.

And this goes on to the ‘other appropriate topics’… such as how much touching and what type of touching is appropriate.

There is no hard and fast rule as everyone is different… but let’s face it… your first touch being a breast or pussy or cock is not likely to be the best choice. It is often better to start small and see the person’s response.

Let’s say we come up with an example of a good and bad scenario.

Bad – You two are meeting another couple. The male half of the other couple comes up to you at first meet and grabs you in a tight hug, boobies are squished and then he kisses you… not just a sweet ‘hello’ kiss, but one of those ‘I’m about to ravish you and shove my tongue down your throat…. while grabbing your ass inside your pants, skirt, or dress.

We can agree that that is a bit too much too fast and often without permission…

What if he hugs you… not a tight hug, but a nice greeting hug, but then kisses you and shoves his tongue down your throat?”

It is still too much… you don’t know if the person wants to have a tonsil check… (BTW, I don’t have mine, so you don’t need to stick your tongue that far down my throat…)

It is too much and too soon for most swingers… it sends a message. The message sent is you have no respect for boundaries and proper behavior.

A good example may be – you and your spouse are meeting the other couple. You are there first… they arrive… you see them and stand up so you can greet them… You tell them you are a hugger… would it be alright to give them a hug… they say ‘we are too’. You give them a hug and it is not to hard, not to soft… and you give both of them a hug… (maybe the men just shake hands, but the girls hug both males and females…) And then while hugging the husband… he asks, “Can I give you a kiss?” You say yes, and the kiss starts off as a sweet hello with a promise of more.

If the person is receptive to the gestures of physical contact and are receptive to the verbal requests for contact, then we know that things are progressing and we can progress to more intimate talk, touch, and so on…

There is nothing more appealing than to be asked if they can kiss you for the first time… It tells the person you want to kiss that you are on their mind, they want to begin to engage you and build chemistry… good indicators that the pre-date communication went well, they understand you want to have desire built… and then you can very quickly decide… “Do they kiss good enough to want to get naked after making out with them.”

If they don’t kiss well, then you have a great opportunity to say, “Nope, don’t wanna get naked with you” or “Maybe another time.” That second option is often used in various forms when you don’t want to say no, but really have to let them know… no of some version.

When swingers meet, they have often given off a list of what they don’t like and do like… me, my biggest is hair pulling and biting… I don’t like either of those… they hurt. They don’t excite me… so this opportunity to build chemistry is also an opportunity to see if they person will listen to me along the way and remember what I said.

You may not be surprised by me saying, few actually take notes, remember, and do what I like and not what I don’t.

I will do everything in my power to do what they like… as long as it is not something I don’t like… to this I mean… I won’t let them pull my hair because it is something they like… but I will do something that they specifically stated they liked… like maybe, they love to have a blow job… they rarely ever have a blow job… I will make sure there is a blow job in the play time we have…

That is what two people who are having sex and are socially comfortable with the rules of polite society will do…

People who are socially awkward will only do what they want and be damned if what the other person wants will happen. And that my friend is why so many people have socially awkward swinging encounters.

I had someone ask me “Am I socially awkward if I find out my partner is socially awkward and I don’t say or do anything to them about their social awkwardness?”

The best answer I have is no, you are not the socially awkward one.

You are in fact, trying to make the best of things while dealing with a socially awkward person. One does not make a ‘scene’ but tries instead to deal with the issues with much grace and considerations for their feelings…

Now, that sounds like Dear Abby may have written that… but here is the reason for the answer I gave.

A socially awkward person will not likely see that what they are doing is in the wrong.

A truer statement never happened. You see, if a person is already doing the ‘socially awkward behavior’ and appears okay with doing the behavior, they most likely 1- don’t realize it is socially awkward, 2- know it is awkward and do not know how to be less awkward, or 3- don’t give a shit… it is all about them….

Your job really isn’t to correct them in a loud and in their face manner…

Take for instance the welcome hug and the tonsil check… Instead of rearing your head back and saying – “WTF Dude?” or other longer versions of that… you could state very clearly “Well, that was a bit much a bit soon.” Or you can make a little joke of it… “I could have told you whether or not I had tonsils if you just asked.” Or you can non-verbally state your displeasure by breaking the kiss immediately, moving away from him and limiting the engagement from then on. This last one is a form of negative consequences that are non-verbal that forces the person to think, “That didn’t get me the results I hoped for…”

I do need to mention this important little fact… Sometimes when swingers communicate with other swingers via electronic means… and often without their spouses involved in most of the conversations, often the two communicating share quite a bit about what they want and what they like… and often that can make some people think that they have permission to do what they want with them…

Someone, like myself may say… I like a guy who takes the lead… I do. Any guy that takes a lead and starts initiating flirting, touching and kissing when we are on a date, gets many points in my book. At the same time, a guy that does not know the lines of propriety, boundaries and common sense… loses not only points but also gets themselves placed on the no fuck list…

Here is an example… I haven’t given you clear indication that I want you to do more than an initial hug for greeting… you thinking you can bear hug me, squish my tits, cop a feel of my ass, and do a tonsil check… without any permission granted… that is wrong…

You have to know the difference between chatting to build interest, desire, and just to get off and what one can do for the first time in a local restaurant where children are present…

You have to listen to the verbal and non-verbal (body language) clues your potential partner gives you… if you are getting the “COME AND GET ME” vibe because you are at a house party or club… then go and get you some…

If you are getting the… “I can’t believe you wore sweatpants to meet me in public and you think that not showering is going to lead me to taking my clothes off, you are sadly mistaken… ”

Or the “I really am all talk and no action, take it slowly please…”

Then you better watch those signs…

Speaking of sweatpants…

When I think of what looks good on a guy… I think of ‘whatever makes sense for the guy, the activity, and the likelihood of us playing…’

This means… I can find a guy sexy in jeans and a t-shirt…

But wait, there is more… the jeans have to fit him nicely, be clean, and worn is okay but not really ripped everywhere… and the t-shirt… not really into a lot of shirts with sayings… or slogans… I do like plain t-shirts… I mean look at the picture I have posted above of me in a plain white T…. but that doesn’t mean I will turn a guy down if he wears a concert, slogan, or other type of t-shirt…

I have seen some guys look very hot in a button down shirt, jeans and appropriate shoes… flip flops don’t really do things for me… and if we are going to be going dancing at a club, playing darts, etc… flip flops are not really appropriate… and unless you are taking care of those feet and that includes toes… I would rather not see them… Foot fetish I do not have…

I have hall passed with guys who wear suits for work and that is what he is wearing when we meet…

All of those things are not out of the norm… most stylists who describe appropriate clothing for certain situations will agree with me… if you want to go casual – jeans (clean and worn okay, dirty and ripped where nothing much is covered is not)… t-shirt… keep the vulgar stuff at home… button down and nice pants – again jeans okay… business casual or business if you are meeting during the day or the event calls for it…

But no where in any of those things does it say… You want to get laid tonight, please wear sweatpants and not just sweatpants, but dirty, stained, out of shape sweatpants and shirt.

Social awkwardness also includes not knowing what to wear in certain situations… just like most women know that if you are invited to a wedding, it is best that you do not wear white if the bride is wearing white. It is just NOT ACCEPTABLE if you do…

You also do not wear bar wear (we would call it swinger clothes around here) to a wedding either…

You want to get laid… you need to know how to dress for what you are doing…

And proper hygiene… all these things are important… and I am not going to debate the shave or not to shave debate… I personally think you should groom how you feel comfortable… if the 70s bush is your thing… well, post pictures of it so we can decide if the bush is out of control or not… if you are into shaved men or women… look for those who shave… it is socially awkward (bad manners too) to demand that your partner shave for you if they don’t normally shave…

Here is why…

What makes you so special that I have to be someone else to fuck you? What are you doing to make me want to fuck you that is out of what you normally do? And if you are demanding that my pussy be shaved… do you really want ME or will any shaved pussy do?

BTW… I do shave… and that is because I have my own reason… maybe I will share it with you some day… but believe me, I started shaving long before swinging…

But my point is… demanding of others to be a certain way in order to get some… not a good thing…

A truly socially appropriate person understands that not everything will be about them. They make an honest effort in their communication, behaviors, and approach to other people. They are willing to do the work to make every interaction they have with others a positive one.

A socially awkward person often knows they are socially awkward in some manner, but lacks the motivation to change… they often expect others to ‘accept them as they are’ despite the fact that their social awkwardness is ‘treatable’ if they choose to change. Most don’t…

That is why so many people have a problem with socially awkward people in socially awkward situations… they think to themselves… why do you want to have couple dates with other swingers with the intention of having sex if you are going to sit there and do and say nothing to make me want to fuck you?

That is the question of the swinging ages…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 9 The Date Continued

Wow, just wow… I upset someone with my post yesterday. As someone who writes and has worked in the mental health field… I have to say two things… first as a writer… you want to instill passion in your reader. A passionless reader is nothing to a writer… one who feels passion after reading something is a gift to a writer – even if that passion is of the negative sort… and second, as a person who works in the mental health field… whatever bothers you to the point you get upset is usually a clue it is something you know you have to work on… no matter the subject.

So… when I get an email, text, or other communication that my ‘date philosophy is complete bullshit and I need to get my head and ego out of my ass…’ all I want to say is “YAY ME!”

You see, this person is upset that I called everyone who does not approach swinger dates like they did vanilla dates suffering from social awkwardness swinger style…

And because of my ‘delusions of grandeur that keeps me from knowing my head from my ass’ I should keep my mouth shut.

I am thinking… “YAY ME!” I hit the nail on the head with this one… proof positive in that response…

You see, I do not have delusions of grandeur… I know this because I can pat my head at the same time as my ass and not get confused by the two….

But besides that… this is my blog… my outlet of discussing what I want, what I do, what I need to make this the best damn sexually social adventure of my life…

I also do not suffer from delusions of grandeur if I combine my sexually social adventure and my work experience to determine there are an awful lot of socially awkward people out there hoping to fuck strange and not realizing why they are not.

I have communicated with a number of folks who wanted to go on a couple date with us… I have posted in other blogs that I would rather have a house party and meet a number of couples at one time (kinda like speed dating if you think about it) instead of suffering through endless hours of boring shit from one couple.

Social awkwardness is often a choice… you choose to sit there and snuggle with your spouse telling your potential sex partner how wonder you are at fucking each other… and walk away disappointed because we don’t want to fuck you… You choose to be so damn picky about everything in finding that perfect couple that you fail to realize all the couples and individuals that would have been perfect for you if you just opened your eyes…

This person who emailed me this email is amazing… he/she went on and on about how much better they are as a swinger than I am… They have a better track record than I do (damn, I am getting old… I don’t remember revealing all my good and bad dates or even all my dates and all my actual fucks to them… hmm, interesting)…

This person who emailed me is telling me that I am either too damn picky for my own good or a fucking slut who is dying to leave her legs open for anything to crawl in…

Awesome image isn’t it… but here is the thing…

While this person thinks they are ‘hurting me’, they are actually sending a great message to me…

Well messages…

One – this person is bat shit crazy and therefore, I can ignore anything that comes out of their keyboard…

Two – something I said really bothers them and I think it is when I put the blame on social awkwardness on the person suffering from it…

Three – They have more serious issues than I can help them with if they are spending that much time thinking about what or who all has crawled in between my legs…

I know that hearing that the date that sucked most likely sucked because you did not do all you can do make it good… and don’t think you are alone in feeling down about that… I have had my share of dates that I shut down for after something happened or was said… and I refused to move past myself to see if the date could be salvaged…

But I have also had my share of attempts as salvaging something that was dead and buried long before I arrived…

Like the seven or eight dates in a row that the male half had a medical issue that caused him never to be able to get hard and his wife knew it and neither said anything or did anything…

Or the many times that the couple just sat there and said absolutely nothing… and when they did it was after having to pull out all the stops to get them to say something more than one word at a time…

Or the many times the other couple was rude, drunk, loud, obnoxious, or a combination of all of those things…

Or the horny man and the cold fish woman and a very confused us as to what we were supposed to do…

Or the couple that were so jealous of any attention the other got…

Or…

Do I really need to go on?

Drama is drama because someone isn’t getting their way and they will ‘act out’ to get their way…

And drama exists because we do not call the other person out soon enough…

I believe that I am not my swinger’s keeper

By that I mean… I am not going to tell you what to do and how to do it… If you have a shitty profile and I don’t read it because it is boring as shit and has done nothing to get my attention… I am not going to send you an email and tell you to up your profile game… if you ask me my opinion, that is different…

I am not going to look at your profile pictures or other pictures on your profile and tell you that you need to do a better job at taking pictures or be more selective…

I am also not going to tell you to your face that you need to dress better on a date, or you need to act differently on a date…

I am not my swinger’s keeper…

Doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion on it… and this is where I share my opinion.

I had a guy who wanted to hall pass with me for a long time wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants on our hall pass. he wanted to make sure that I dressed up for the occasion, but he wore sweatpants… WTF?

That sends messages to the other person… that either you don’t give a shit about how you look or you don’t give a shit about how you look as you are meeting me…

In vanilla dating, would this be acceptable?

Our first full swap, a week after we decided to swing, the female half of the other couple wore sweat pants and a dirty ripped shirt… it was not a ‘style statement’… we saw her pictures on the profile and we saw her afterwards on several occasions at house parties and hotel takeovers… she dressed up… I will admit that on our first swap, I told my husband that it did not matter if we liked the people a whole lot or what the actual date was like… but we needed to find out if we can fuck others and be okay with it…

I know… you are thinking, what a cold bitch… but that is how I am… if we couldn’t handle the dating of others and the fucking of others… then find out now and get out…

I do things a bit differently than others do… and you know what… I am okay with that… I love the idea that I am dating another man… my husband is dating another woman… however, most swingers do not see it as that… I am not sure how to describe how it comes across other than socially awkward… like, you know that in order to have good sex you need chemistry… but you don’t get the connection that good chemistry requires you to actually do something to build that chemistry…

The feelings of excitement of fucking strange the first time doesn’t happen all the time if you can’t build the chemistry… the idea is what got many people off the first time… but what do you do after that?

The answer is to reduce the obstacles that keep the dates from being very vanilla with a small twist…

I get that some people are well known in their community and cannot be seen making out or even making googly eyes to someone not their spouse…

Well, then… go to a different community…

See, social awkwardness is not that hard if you choose to make it easy on everyone.

One of the best dates we went on was with a couple from a South American country. I don’t remember which one it was because the country they used was near their actual country but they didn’t want to use the real one… I don’t remember… but that is besides the point… we met at a bar that had pool tables and other games and we had a great time flirting and playing pool… he flirted with me… she flirted with my hubby… we had a great time laughing, joking, talking about our kids, talking about sexy things… talking and flirting and talking and he talked more than me… it was wonderful… when it was time to have sex… we all were very excited about it… we all wanted it… and we all had a great time…

The secret was that he actually dated me… hubby actually dated her…

There were others that started out very promising and were, you know… okay… because at some point, they didn’t know how to get from flirting and having fun to making the decision to actually fuck… and then in the room… they had trouble deciding how to start the kissing and touching and naked fun…

That too is a form of social awkwardness… They wanted to… they are afraid too… they don’t want to make the first move… and this is so against what they have talked about for hours before…

They hem and haw around trying to figure out what to say….

How about… “I am ready to take this to a bedroom.” or “Let’s go get naked.” or “Tired of talking… we need to get busy.” or “Do ya wanna?” or “Let’s fuck.” or as he whispers in my ear… “Can I taste your pussy now?” or “If we flirt anymore I am going to cum in my pants.” or “Wanna go swinging?” or “Let’s get the show on the road.”

As you can tell, it really shouldn’t take that much to get your point across… you are a swinger on a swinger date to do some swinging… shouldn’t you have the balls to say that you want to have sex?

I mean… isn’t the direct approach the best approach?

Yes, you could probably avoid being too disgusting when asking you partner if they want to have sex… but come on… isn’t this the point of the date… to see if you have chemistry and if you want to fuck?

I have never figured out why people are so afraid to ask. The worse they can say is no. They may say not now or they may say yes… but the worse answer you are already aware of… NO.

I also don’t understand… why the awkwardness that happens when you are standing in the hotel room with the other person or couple… if you have paid for a hotel room with the other couple standing right there with you… and the intention is to go have sex… what on earth are you afraid of when you get into the room?

Walk up to your partner and start with something like… “I am really glad you are here with me right now.”

I mean… doesn’t that make you think that he/she wants you… and doesn’t that make things twitch and get moist…

Touch his/her hair… arm… hand…

Bring your head closer to his/hers… slowly kiss them… you know one of those light kisses that is asking for permission… and when they respond… deepen the kiss, begin to put your arms around them… fingers in the hair… on the ass… breasts pressed up against his chest…

Spend some time kissing and touching and then the only words needed are those that exclaim how good it all feels…

Dating as a swinger should be easier than vanilla dating… if it isn’t, you are doing something wrong…

You aren’t looking for a spouse… you have one… you are looking for the other half of your off spring… you already have one… you aren’t looking for someone to change your adult diapers or wipe up drool when you are 80… you already have one to do that…

What you are looking for is someone to date you, woo you, pleasure you while you date them, woo them, and pleasure them…

You are looking for someone to enjoy sexually… so why aren’t you?

Get rid of the swinging social awkwardness and get more of your sexy swinger action going…

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 8 The Date

I have to tell you something before I get started… when I agree to go on a date with another couple (I am not speaking for my husband as he has his own way of deciding if he wants to go on a date to ‘date’ or to have sex… this is just my thought process)… but when I agree to go on a date with hubby and another couple, I have made the decision that unless something goes horribly wrong during the date, I want to fuck you.

Pretty simple.

I am not going to waste my time and money going on a date if I am not interested in fucking you.

It may not be that night we fuck, but I have it in my head that fucking you is what I would like to do, therefore I have decided to go on the date.

I have in the past, been very blunt with my potential date/partner and told them this very thing… “Unless you do something horribly wrong during the date, I want to fuck you.”

I like to think that they have a clear understanding of what my intentions are… to go on this date, build that chemistry in person, and then fuck.

I have stopped telling people this.

I am not sure why exactly, but it doesn’t really pan out like I think it should pan out…

Let me explain.

This guy I have been communicating with and talked about what we like and what we want to do finds out that I do indeed want him and want to fuck him. I figured that during the date, he would ‘date’ me and I would ‘date’ him and we would build chemistry and then when we finally got to a room and tore each others clothes off…

And that doesn’t happen… Here is what has happened so very often…

This guy arrives at the date and suddenly acts like he barely knows me and has little interest in me… he doesn’t flirt, barely talks, can’t look me in the eyes (I am not talking about a stare down here, but you know, when I am talking to you – you look at least in my direction – hell, I’d even take you staring at my boobies… but he doesn’t.

Then out of the blue – usually when I am squeezing the shit out of hubby’s leg (our signal for “NO FUCKING WAY, LET’S GO NOW”… he says, “you wanna get a room?”

Why?

Why the fuck would I want to get a room with someone who cannot provide me a bit of attention the entire night?

Here is how I have envisioned and in fact conduct my dates… and sometimes have been very lucky on couple dates have this happen…

Hubby and I greet the other couple…

Mrs Other hugs my hubby… I hug Mr Other… there is some boob squeezing going on as the hug is more intimate than a hug seen on sporting events… and believe me… I have seen some that are very intimate…

Mrs Other wants to sit next to my hubby… I want to sit next to Mr Other…

We all talk to each other, the conversation flowing… while Mr Other puts his arm around the back of my chair or spot on the booth… He angles himself towards me and the rest of them… hubby and Mrs Other follows suit… there is laughing, talking, flirting, light touches… some daring naughty touching… naughty talk whispered in my ear… little kisses on my neck, playing with a few strands of my hair… noticing that these little words and touches have gotten my nipple’s attention… and I look over across the table… and see the same things happening (not exactly the same thing, it isn’t monkey see, monkey do… but the same type of laughing, talking, touching, kissing, flirting, chemistry building good stuff…

You see, because we all have had pre-date communication – and that means she texts him, he texts her…. and all four share a group text… everyone knows all the rules to fuck and even the rules to meet… they are discussed and we don’t have to discuss them again…

We don’t talk about other play partners, other play experiences, other typical swinger talk…

Why?

Because we are on a date with each other… not this couple facing off with this couple…

Not do they pass the test – testing situation.

Not looking for reasons to say no…

Not waiting for the ‘something going horribly wrong’….

And you know what… anything less than that typical scenario… is Swinger Social Awkwardness.

And I don’t really give a shit if you agree.

If you have a profile, communication, and decide to have a date with other swingers… then date your potential play partner.

Don’t do all the typical bullshit where you and your spouse touch, flirt, and kiss each other… talking all about your sex life, your past partners, your good experiences, your bad experiences…. blah, blah, blah…

Did you do that when you were dating before becoming swingers?

Likely NO!

So why are you doing it now.

As I said, when you are trying to date someone who is a swinger as you are a swinger, then fucking at like a swinger instead of a virgin on his/her first date.

Flirt WITH the potential sex partner.

Talk TO the potential  sex partner.

Engage YOUR potential sex partner.

I am not sure why so many couples think that people are going to want to fuck you when you have done nothing to make others want to fuck you. Your hanging all over your spouse and talking about your spouse and to your spouse more than you potential sex partner makes NO SENSE.

And this is a form of swinger social awkwardness.

I am going to stop there for now… I really want to think about what I wrote… compare it to your swinger dates… and see if there isn’t some social awkwardness happening swinger style with your dates.

Muah Sophia

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 7 Pre-Date Communication

In the last post, I asked if you had received an email that was well thought out and asked to meet on such and such day, time and place… would you meet them? Yes, a lot of it hinges on whether or not you find the person attractive, have chemistry… etc… but do you ever just think, what would it hurt to go have dinner and play darts and if nothing but a good time vanilla style happens… what would it hurt to go?

A lot of time swingers say this but do not mean this… they want to have friends, they want to hang out with other swingers… but often, swingers find reasons to say no or probably not…

Yes, there are times when the offer to meet at 10 am today comes at 9 am that morning… and like, yeah, call a hooker for a good time not me… I am not talking about that… I am talking about the assertive swinger asking you to hang out with them, no strings attached just to have some dinner and play darts or whatever vanilla activity available.

Often swingers do not because they have not laid out all their conditions, weighed all the pros and cons, or otherwise talked themselves into just meeting people.

This is very often conveyed in hidden messages throughout their communication to the other person… and then there is a high number of flaking out on people…

But before I go into to much detail on that… I want to share with you a series of emails I received recently… like in the last 2 days. I kid you not… these are real. Let’s see if you have the same reaction as me…

This starts October 22, 2016. I was in the midst of a very busy month of traveling for work… I receive an email from a single male that  “love to chat and see pics… I am up your way a lot” (No capital letters or punctuation.)

I must have opened the email and did not respond. I say this for two reasons… no mail history showing me I responded and I received this email Friday…

“Just curious why u never replied. Did I say something wrong or you did not like my profile. Sorry just thought we would all hit it off”

I replied – and believe me I am surprised I replied – see, the first email was kinda, well, typical stupid swinger shit email… but I was in the back seat while my oldest was taking us to dinner and it was either reply to the email or see all the near misses he was making while driving us… but he knows that city much better than us… So I replied despite his email being incredibly stupid… wanna chat and share pics… yeah, that is a fucking thrill for me… NOT!

So I replied “I don’t remember the email. Can’t say I read it. I was traveling most of October, November and the first part of December.”

Yeah, not a lot of warm fuzzy here….

He replies “Well I am [name] a fun 40’s australian male in greenville a lot for business. love to chat”

Well, I am only human… I love accents and one of my favorite is Australian… so, I thought what the hell…

“I opened some pictures for you. Hope you like them. Sophia”

He replies 100% fantastic… I would to become regular play friends… Your nipples are to die for… I would love sucking them as you cum while my cock is deep inside you and husband is watching us… MMMM I am [name]. Lets meet up and have some fun.”

Not to bad of a reply… not stellar by any means, but not to bad…

A second email comes immediately following that one from him…

“I can’t stop masturbating over your pics.”

I took a day to respond to that one… I means seriously, how on earth am I supposed to respond…

“Glad you like the pictures. It appears you do quite well.”

Not sure we will meet… It appears he doesn’t really need to meet me… he can’t stop masturbating over my pictures.

I know I said that I like knowing guys jack off while we are chatting or reading my blog or seeing my pictures… but could that not be one of the first things you say to me… that borders on creepy… could we at least have a sexy conversation?

And I put this in this post at this time because I said that often people will find reasons not to meet. And while this is true… sometimes the emails and pre-date communication leave a person no choice in deciding not to meet.

That is why you have to be careful… this single male takes the lead (+1), he is Australian (+10), he has follow up, almost 3 months later, but still (+2), he falls under the term attractive (+5). So on a randomly decided scale of 1 – 20 (and this is not highly scientific at all since I made it up as I am writing it… he has 18… then he writes that he will fuck me while hubby watches, (-10) and then a solo email about how he can’t stop masturbating (-10)… he is now on this imaginary, made up for the purpose of this post… -2 points. His accent may not be enough to compensate to make it to in person meeting.

I mention all this because, well, if you make it past the initial communication to a point where someone will engage you and more than just to send an email stating you aren’t good enough and you get this form letter…

Don’t fuck it up with the pre-date communication.

So many people do… and I am not the only one who says this… believe me, I am not the only one who says this… many are looking for reasons to say no… Me, I like to fuck so I am looking for reasons to keep saying YES PLEASE!

And yet, there are many who will fuck it up. Seriously fuck it up…

Think about it… couple dates are blind dates. Going into a party or club is a blind date… you don’t really know what to expect from that person… you think you are getting to see someone you ‘know’ because you skyped, kiked, called, emailed, texted… whatever you all did… and you think, damn… I am excited this person is cool, hot, neat, nice, whatever…

And then you arrive… and you meet them… and sometimes it is awesome… and sometimes… well, I will let you answer that…

But sometimes if all signs point to all things being good…. and then they fuck it up…

How do they fuck it up you ask?

The most common manner is going to far in what they say… Like, “I can’t stop masturbating to your pictures”.

Or being honest about, well too honest about something like a really weird to most people fetish…

I had one person want to meet me for a play date… and he kept telling me that I had to wear dark red lipstick. I don’t wear dark red lipstick. I have never worn dark red lipstick. I most likely won’t wear dark red lipstick. He also wanted me to have long nails. Well, I can’t stand fake nails so if my nails happen to break, I won’t have long nails… Not that I keep them really long anyways… they are sorta long… but not long… and then he wanted to put lipstick on my nipples… and cover me in baby oil…

Seriously, what the fuck? Sorry, I couldn’t even use the WTF…

Does he not know how much of a mess that is? Or even bother to ask me if I wanted to wear dark red lipstick, make sure I have long nails, and be happy with oil and lipstick stains all over everything? Nope, it was all about him…

Those damn nipples of mine… it appears they are the siren call of weirdos… LOL.

But there are others who decide to confess all kinds of thoughts to me… like how excited they are to meet me… and they want to fuck Sophia and not me (insert my real name there…. let’s say I am Isabella)… They want to fuck Sophia not Isabella… I ask them, do you not realize my name is not really Sophia… I really am Isabella and when I write, I am writing as Isabella and just sign Sophia just the same as someone with the profile name ‘fuxalot’ would sign it “Mrs Fuxalot”? Nope, they want to fuck Sophia… Lunatic Warning often goes off…

Or those who pay you a compliment hidden in a dig… really, you think I want to fuck you after you hand me a dig… I may continue to talk with you, but you are off the fuck list…

Or those who….

You get the picture… there are a lot of things you can do that can make someone who is excited about meeting you feel lukewarm.

And if you have been swinging more than a few months and you have had more than a few dates that haven’t gone anywhere… you get an idea of the person you want to fuck based on how they communicate with you… where you would be able to determine just by how easy ‘written communication’ goes that verbal communication and sexual communication will be just as good… I mean, after so many years and play mates… you can tell just how well it will go by the early communication… Well, I can say that is very true for me… I know (I am a big fan of listening to my gut) who I will hit it off very well… and because I communicate with people all over the US due to forum participation, this blog and other sources of introduction to others… as well as those somewhat local… And because this is something I have long done with the vanilla folks I know… I can tell when I am going to hit it off well with someone – male or female… and am usually spot on… until they do something rather stupid… often in the moment of insecurity, craziness, or otherwise momentary lapse of whatever good sense they had…

Seriously had people do things in a moment of social awkwardness or more accurately their often displayed social awkwardness came out directed at me…

In one of the previous posts, I talked about the six key indicators of social awkwardness… one of them was saying something that was not intended…

I am one of those people who will give you a second chance if you demonstrate social awkwardness… As evidenced by the email sequence above and the previous ones that were shared about that one guy that waited almost 4 years to fuck me (and yes, that is a good thought for my ego…lol).

I will give people a second and third chance, but sometimes I get tired of doing it… I know not everyone is perfect… and I am not saying I am perfect… Nope, I know for a fact I am as far from perfect as I can be… I make mistakes… when I write some of them on the blog… I share my imperfections with you all… I am constantly trying to improve myself… not for you or anyone else… but for myself. I want to be better at communication. I want to be better at being open with others. I want to be more forgiving of others. I want to have more patience… and I am pretty good at those things already… (hubby’s opinion on these don’t count as he is one that works my patience the most… and after nearly 28 years together… he has too much history to be objective on how awesome I am… Just having fun there… he reads this blog all the time… but he can definitely see why I write some of the stuff I do… LOL).

But what I am saying is this… if you want to meet someone and hope that they will want to fuck you… then you have to watch your pre-date communication. Seriously think before you speak or type… I AM SO SERIOUS.

There was a party guest that was very excited about the party… very excited about meeting us… then this party guest said something that really put cold water on any happy, want to fuck you feelings we had (purposely being vague on the sex of the party goer and which one of us it affected)… but when they arrived, they had no idea that neither of us had any intention of having sex with them… We welcomed them into our home and made them feel welcomed. But they were on the no fuck list. We did not fuck them. They asked if we wanted to meet them at another time since we were busy at the party to fuck them. We were busy being hosts and playing with others… You know that old saying “Let’s do lunch” but means, yeah, I am not going to tell you there is no chance in hell… yeah, we did the swinger version… ‘let’s plan a date’. As we venture on two years after that party… they are still waiting for the date…

If you suffer from social awkwardness and you have felt the affects of how your social awkwardness comes back on you – you know, no one likes to chat with you, meet with you, respond to your communication, or fuck you… you have to be the one who changes. Even people who want to fuck you will have trouble giving you a bunch of chances to fix it…

I know I am sharing with you some ‘awkward’ topics in this series… I know that some of this may be fun to read and fun to improve on… and some of it may be upsetting (got some feedback that demonstrates how upset they are that I am telling them they are no good (still looking to see where I said that… haven’t found it). But here is the thing. It is your social awkwardness. Not mine. It is not my responsibility to point out to you – ‘hey buddy, you got you some bad social awkwardness going on… wanna change it so we can fuck’ doesn’t really go over very good.

But here is the thing, if anything I wrote pissed you off… that is your brain telling you this applied to you… you are suffering from social awkwardness in that particular area. Your brain is sending that message… I am only the catalyst of your brain recognizing what is not working so well…

Believe me… I have my own issues… I work on them… and that is the important thing to remember… you can get mad at me about what I say, but it doesn’t change the fact that if I am saying it… other may be thinking it… the only one in denial about your social awkwardness is you. The rest of us are either putting up with it or having nothing to do with you because of it…

That is the thing about social awkwardness you need to remember… everyone has some type of social awkwardness and most people work on it… a lot. And swingers have to understand that it may be the reason you are not getting laid as often as you want when you send emails, make initial contact, or try to arrange a date… or even if people meet you and then they don’t want to fuck you…

It is hard to ask yourself this question “Where did I fuck up?” rather than thinking, “they just don’t know what they are missing.” They do know what they are missing… they are missing the person who is so shy they can’t communicate and can’t build interest or chemistry. They are missing the person who can’t flirt with shit and can’t build interest, chemistry or desire. They are missing the person who can’t read before hitting enter and think about the back handed compliment (dig) or saying something so off the wall that it is scary or so far from what they like or being so honest that they are hurtful.

If your swinging adventure is not going as you like… then ask yourself, what do you need to do to improve your game?

Then fucking do something about it…

Muah Sophia

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 5 Feedback So Far

I have received a great deal of feedback on this topic as a whole of social awkwardness. One question asked of me really got me laughing… here it is.

How do you know there is social awkwardness in swinging, let alone social awkwardness in general?

I was serious when I said I laughed. I laughed hard. Social awkwardness exists. Google it. If you still are not convinced social awkwardness exists, let alone in swinging… let’s ask yourself this…

Did you ever get so nervous going to a party, club, or date that you had signs of anxiety? Stomach ache, head ache, nervous feeling, shaky hands, need to run to the bathroom because of a nervous bladder or other things… dry mouth, twitchy eye, lack of ability to speak… any of those or other symptoms like sweaty hands, breaking out in sweat all over and it wasn’t hot… unable to look someone in the eyes… can’t remember certain things and having trouble recalling names, places, dates… or if you are a guy – unable to get hard because of nerves and if you are a girl – unable to stay wet because of nerves… any of those things?

The answer was yes.

I asked how often.

I was told almost every time they venture out into the swinging world.

I asked how often do they venture out.

Not very often because it is too stressful.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

I then asked – when you have a conversation with other people, while it is normal for there to be a moment or two of awkward silence at the end of a conversation before someone picks a new topic… how often does that happen to you?

Almost every conversation.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How easy is it for you to make meaningful connections?

This person said, very challenging. I find most people aren’t comfortable around me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – both vanilla and swinger style.

How often do people (swingers) avoid you? Whether in person or via electronic communication?

This person said – almost all the time.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How often do people misunderstand the ‘joke’ you told – as in you made a joke about a person that was supposed to be flattering and instead was taken as a very negative statement… or a joke in general that people told you was not appropriate? And in the swinger setting, where you thought saying something about very inappropriate sex would go over well?

This person said, my wife says that all the time to me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

How often do you feel at a loss in social situations – swinger situations – where you do not have a clue how to act appropriately, you miss out on the social clues, you act before you think and often make a mess of things?

This person said, all the time. I feel out of place and never know what to do. One time we were at a house party and I decided I wanted to get naked thinking others would too… however, it wasn’t that kind of party. I was naked and they all made fun of me.

There you have it – social awkwardness – swinger style.

There are six key indicators of social awkwardness.

1. Feeling nervous in social settings.

2. Not understanding social norms.

3. Often having a different impact than intended.

4. The lack of conversation flow.

5. Frequently being avoided or ridiculed by others.

6. The lack of meaningful connections with others.

Onto other feedback – I have gotten a whole bunch of feedback from others who have recognized that they need to up their game in the areas of shyness, flirting, and sexting. I have been told that as they try out their progress on me. I don’t mind. It is fun to see the improvements. But one word of caution… don’t go overboard… too much of the Hey Sexyyy, Babe, and so on if it is out of your norm appears fake.

You don’t have to say that a person is hot in every single text you send. When you do, it becomes overused… much like saying ‘morning’ to someone every single day and not varying it up some… it just becomes a routine. And that takes the fun out of the whole text/flirting thing.

Sometimes it is best to start off subtle…

How do you do that?

It can vary from person to person depending on who they are and what appears natural for them…

I use the term sweetie all the time… I say that and Muah to people… those are my words that fit me… If I were to suddenly say “Hey Stud”… as a greeting that would be a bit different for me and possibly not seen as authentic… sweetie is a sweet (sorry for the obvious there) endearment for me… I have pumpkin for my husband – which is short for pumpkin head from when we first started to fall in love like 28 years ago… and no, he doesn’t have a head that is the shape of a pumpkin… it was just something I said to him to let him know I wanted to share my feelings of love to him… I called my first born – little man for a long time because when he was born he had an old man’s hair – hair on the sides but not on top… kinda like both his grandfathers… then because I am big on rhyming things I came up with one that could be taken wrong – but I can’t share that here because it would be an identifier. I called my youngest son Roo because of my oldest son’s calling him that sorta – again can’t tell you the whole name – identifier – but then I went on to calling him ‘bud’ like in ‘hey bud’ when he came home from school or work… just little names that show that I have pet names…

Sweetie is a favorite pet name for me and here is why… I think it is sweet that someone wants to communicate with me. I think it is sweet that they feel any affection (friendly or sexually) for me… yes, while I am a swinger who talks often in ‘public’ about my sexuality… it always amazes me that someone finds me interesting and wants to have sex with me.

So, I call people sweetie…

When I am about to come I will moan out ‘oh God’ and not usually the person’s name. Why not the person’s name? Mostly because I never have… my mind goes blank when I am having sex… seriously blank. I mean, it is the only time I am not thinking of anything else. Unless you are horrible and I am regretting my decision to have sex with you in the middle of having sex with you… then my mind wanders… but when I am having the oh so great sex… and I am about to cum… and I can’t form a whole word and repeat the same few words like fuck, oh god, harder… those things.. .I can’t remember your name. Doesn’t matter if I have known and played with you for years or just met you tonight and may or may not have been told your name… I won’t remember it… So sweetie it is.

Consider that a compliment – if I can’t remember your name when you are fucking me.

There are pet names that are just rather weird for me to have someone say to me… like mama… eww… please don’t.

But there are other names that I never thought I would like, but coming from that person it fits… and that is the key when flirting… if you can say BABE to someone without sounding ‘odd’ doing it… please do… but also look at the response you get from the person you say the name… if their eyes light up… continue… if their eyes look away from  you and they look put out or pissed… move on… to a new name..

I do have to congratulate all of you out there who have made some effort in upping your game. This is a great thing and by all means continue improving. I know you may think that I think that I am perfect at all this shit… you know I am handing out advice and criticism… but hold your dang horses a minute… I am telling you that I constantly work on improving my flirting, sexting, and tolerance of those not yet proficient.

Which leads me to the comments about the text message I posted in the last post.

A little back story on that guy. He has been trying to fuck me since April of 2013. He has been told many, many times since he began communicating with me that he does a lot of shit that pisses me off. It is a bit complicated as we were newbies (started in March of 2013) and he contacts us with his wife and we find out that he teaches at the same school as our youngest was still attending for a little more than a month and a half. She is bat shit crazy… and I decided to tell them I am not interested as soon as our son graduated. But I had to wait until he communicated with me again, as I just did not want it to come totally out of the blue. Our son graduated and he texted me at 12:30 in the morning (as a mom of two kids now out of high school, you don’t text me at that time of the morning/night as the only texts that come at that time randomly while sleeping are from your kids and it is usually not good). The next morning I sent an email that was scathing and they blocked us. In 2015, they join a kik group we are in and we have very awkward conversations with him, her, and their nanny he was banging… and they all tell me that I was his greatest regret – the missed opportunity to have sex with me – in his adventure. That kik group dissolves and September 2016 comes along and he contacts me out of the blue and wants to see me. The conversations started out interesting… for about three times… and then they went down hill. He didn’t contact me again until late October. I was very busy traveling… we had spotting communication… I told him off a few times.. like he would send a message via kik and I would respond in under a minute and it would stay in send status – meaning he either shut off his kik or something else… he decided he would text instead as it appeared kik wasn’t working… and the texts were very fun… we met up and had sex… and then the text messages – well, you have read some of them…

This guy has wanted to fuck me since April 2013… in April 2014 it was a year… in April 2015 it was two years… In April of 2016 it was three years… Eight months later… 3 years and 8 months after first deciding he wanted to fuck me… he fucked me… a long ass time to wait… and wants to fuck me again… and the quality of his texts are… shit. How does that translate to really wanting to keep fucking me?

Sex as a swinger is not very different than sex as a single vanilla person. Despite you having a spouse who has sex with other people… you cannot, I repeat CANNOT treat it any differently. Yes, you may have to make sure you don’t fall in love with them… but the effort you put forth in finding a spouse or just finding dates or sex partners as a vanilla single person is no different than the effort you must put forth in swinger ‘dating’ or swinger ‘searching to fuck’.

This is what I do not understand in the minds of many swingers… they think that they must constantly talk about their spouse, push their spouse (Usually the men pushing their wives as an enticement) out there as the marketing hook, and other stupid shit…

As a woman, much of my experiences are from a woman’s point of view… just how it is… not much I can do about that… but get this… most of the readers of this blog are men… so you are getting an exclusive look in the mind of a sexually active, sexually comfortable, sexually outspoken woman… who loves men (and certain women) and can help you if you are open to it – get laid.

So, I am going to tell you this… have a very hard conversations with your spouse – whether you are male or female – whether you are the reserved one or your wife is – talk about these few things…

Can we actually date the person we are going to fuck? (I am not saying hall passes exclusively, but actually go through the dating process as a married person like you did as a single person with the person you want to fuck.)

Can you handle the fact that in order to have a swinging adventure worth having, can you handle hearing your spouse become intimate, build connections, engage, and enjoy emotionally and physically their play partner?

Can you get over jealousy, keeping score, and all the other petty shit that keeps your partner from enjoying their sexually social adventure fully?

If you both cannot do those three things… reconsider swinging.

Seriously. Those are elements in swinging that leads to social awkwardness.

Another person asked me, ‘Why don’t you give examples of stupid stuff women do?’

My answer – first – I have more conversations in electronic form with men. That does not mean some women are not socially awkward in the electronic communication… it is just that I have far less of it to fall back to on examples… When I come to the in person social awkwardness – I have a ton of it…

So, not sure if that is a good enough answer… but damn… it is the best I have…

I will be venturing on to pre-date communication – social awkwardness next… And this is where some of my ‘girl’ stories and examples begin…

Muah Sophia

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 4 Sexting

I have talked about this in a few other posts, but not in the manner in which it falls within social awkwardness. A number of folks say they are not good at it… and some people truly aren’t… but it is not because they are not creative enough to sext… or that they don’t know how to sext… but more often they either lack confidence in what to ‘sext’ or they don’t pay attention to the clues.

Well, before I go any further… I think of sexting as any form of written naughty talk… whether on IM, chat, email, text, KIK or whatever else format you have…

I am going to give an example of something that happens all too often to me… I am on chat or I receive an email from someone and we begin talking. In the swinging world, this is commonly seen as the introduction to the other person. The first impression… and the first impression is the impression that will last, no matter how you improve your ‘first impression’. But they don’t listen to what I am telling them. They simply ignore what I say and do something I specifically stated I didn’t care for…

But before we go there…

Let’s say you claim you suck at introduction emails or chats… I will say, you probably do if you claim it… you live it… but anyways, you claim you suck at introduction emails or chats and you picked for whatever reason, one template to use. Not that this template is very successful, but you lack the skill necessary to communicate in a more authentic manner – ‘know your audience’ is a favorite saying of mine… I bet you are asking… “If this is the introduction email, how can he/she know his audience?” Good question… by reading their profile and looking at their pictures to see what you can find out about them… I don’t mean trying to scour the internet to find where the shots were taken… but if they are soft swap and they don’t show naked pics, and they appear a bit timid in this adventure… sending an email saying “I can fuck your wife like she’s never been fucked before” and include a cock shot and a shot of your wife’s pussy, may not be the wisest manner to introduce yourself.

But let’s say you send that introduction email that shows a bit of time went into the composition of it… you check for grammar and spelling mistakes, you addressed something in their profile, you complimented them, you asked a few well considered questions to begin to engage them….

Well, if you do that… then the issue of social awkwardness isn’t really yours.

However, so many people do not do that… the email is all about them… I like this, I want that, I need this… and the recipient thinks almost immediately… “What are you like in bed?” And mind you, not in a good way… it is more like… does what I like, want, need matter at all or is it all focused on you….

And that may be the key to the social awkwardness in sexting… you have to know what your partner likes…

One example I have is sadly repeated with many guys…

I really am not submissive. The idea of being told what to do does not excite me… I have told many guys this… and when they sext me, they will eventually jump into this… and when I say eventually, I really mean, they basically start with this telling me what to do…

I get that sexting is basically a form of fantasy sex… I really do get that… however, why are you sexting me this? I have already mentioned that I am not really into submissive behavior. Why not find someone to sext that is happy to share with this submissive fantasy?

Here is why… one of the social skills people need to learn and so many have difficulty doing is active listening… or in the case of written communication, reading what is written rather than what you want it to say.

I tell you I am not into submission – you see submission and you run with it… What you have then begun, is showed me that you don’t listen/read/care/notice/acknowledge/should I go on… me.

This is a problem. Think about it… most parents teach their children to share at an early age… after the tantrums, biting, and other infantile behavior, we learn that we need to share and that means asking and listening to the answers… such as you are going to play ball with friends at the playground and there is only one bat… you can’t hold onto the bat when it is other people’s turn to bat… and if someone asks you, ‘can I use the bat?’ you have to listen to their question and answer them… and when you ask someone “can I use the bat?” and the person says “no, it’s Billy’s turn to bat.” You can’t yank the bat from his hands and take your turn when it’s Billy’s turn…

The same principle applies here… if you ask me if I am submissive and I say no, I am not submissive, I am more dom than anything… you have to actually hear what my answer is and apply my answer appropriately. To ignore me, is like taking the bat from my hands and taking a turn when it is not your turn.

The real world implications of social awkwardness in sexting is… fewer people will want to sext with you… and sexting by yourself isn’t as much fun… and if you think about it… when you sext me and act all dom to me and I barely if at all respond… you are sexting by yourself.

I have been known to try my hand at being submissive in my responses to a few guys in the past… but I got very bored with it very quickly… I would then get a text from them that asked ‘why aren’t you responding more?’ I would then be honest and say… “I told you I am not submissive… I thought it would be fun… it isn’t. I am bored.”

For some reason, they don’t continue sexting me submissive shit… or at all.

Am I disappointed? Nope, not at all. You see, they didn’t listen to me… they bored me… they told me what I want doesn’t matter…

Social skills we are taught growing up should include… the world doesn’t revolve around you and only you. For some reason, swingers are really bad about accepting this concept… Look at the profiles and communication… it is all about what they want… and not really about what all parties want… sexting is much the same way…

I go on chat often and am so surprised at how many times the conversation on chat is so… well, let me explain… with an example… the chat is often more men than women… when a woman comes on and starts flirting with the guys… and often this woman is me and possibly one other female… the guys will act like guys all excited… this makes the girls feel good and it encourages the continuation of this flirty banter… a female may post a picture of herself or a few body parts as appropriate to the conversation… like showing tits on Tuesday… and then suddenly the men will start posting pictures of their wives… And while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with posting titty pics of their wives for other men to compliment… the women on the chat gets this message – whether intended or unintended – I can’t look at titty pictures without reminding everyone I am married and/or I got to compete with your pictures…

Both of those messages will limit the chat (sexting) that is going on… it will diminish the participation of the females… and the men are all sitting there complaining that it is all men in there… well geez guys, I wonder why?

That is a form of social awkwardness… I have seen this by the way, even when I haven’t posted pictures… so this isn’t a case of I didn’t get enough attention. However, it does illustrate a point that the men in chat don’t understand, the women are lavishing their attention on them… they should be sucking it up and making sure they do everything they can to keep it going… and yet, they will shut it down quickly…

Or they talk about weed, sports, fallen trees, and other things that exclude the women from the chat… then they will complain that nothing sexy every happens in chat…

Know your audience is being mentioned again… when sexting on whatever communication tool happens, you have to pay attention to what the person you are sexting likes. When their interest starts to fade, you have to ask why? And look at yourself.

I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten immediately wet when I see a guy’s name or number pop up on my phone whether a text or KIK… I know that what we talk about is going to be hot… and I immediately get myself ready for the fun that happens…

And there are folks that I dread seeing their name… because I know it will be boring as shit or just plain annoying.

Here is a very current example of social awkwardness as it relates to not only sexting but texting a potential or past play partner… see if you can tell why it is social awkwardness…

1/6/17

Him: Morning

Me: Good morning sweetie

Him: What are you up to

Me: Just boring morning things. You?

Him: Let’s make it more interesting

Me: How so?

Him: I am open to ideas (written at 9:08 am)

Me – never responded to him

Him: Any ideas (9:41 am)

Me – never responded to him… Why? Because I have told this guy many times before that I am tired of carrying on the entire conversation… he wants to make it interesting… think of how yourself… Let’s also go to the first part… “Morning”. I have to ask, are you announcing the time of day… where is any thing that shows any real interest in the person you are texting… and by the sounds of make things interesting, it was supposed to go into something sexy… but, it doesn’t… why? Because he wants to make it interesting, but I have to do the work. And this is a guy I have had sex with and he wants to have sex with me again… really buddy? Do you think this is going to happen…

Fast forward to 1/11/17 – He hasn’t texted me since 1/6/17 above is the last of the conversation.

He stared the texts at 7:48 am – as if what he has to say is so damn urgent…

Him: Morning

Me – I ignore him. I was reading in bed, puppy snuggled up and nothing pressing on my schedule…

Him: (9:49 am) How are you

Me: (10:22 am) Good. You? (two things to notice here… one – I waited a long time to respond. I was working on the computer and had my phone next me the whole time… but I am tired of these texts and decided to employ negative consequences for his behavior – a technique used in addressing social awkwardness, bad behaviors, etc., to encourage the person to use the proper social skills previously addressed… I did tell you I worked in the mental health field doing this sort of thing… Second, instead of good morning sweetie, I said two words. GOOD. YOU? Anyone else feel the cold front blowing in? He didn’t.

Him: (less than a minute later) I want to see you

Him: (right after the previous) Missing you

Him: (12:15) 🙂

Him: (12:34) What are you doing

Him: (2:40) You around?

Him: (4:57) Hey

1/12/17

Him: (6:55 am – WTF?) Morning

Him: (10:06 am) I hope you are ok

Me: (11:04) I used his name – You texted me on the 6th and then not again until the 11th. I assumed you were busy with work and family. I did not constantly send text messages to you asking if you were around, hey, :), or hope you are ok. Again, I assumed you are busy. I’m not sure why you can’t assume the same for me. I am busy. I’m also traveling. I’m not sure what you expect from me in regards to the text messages. I get morning or what’s up or what’s going on and the your thoughts or you expect me to carry the whole conversation, look at 1/6 for example. You want to make it more interesting, but I have to carry both sides of a conversation. I thought if I ignored your texts you’d recognize I’m busy and can’t text. Instead I get more ridiculous non conversation like hey or :). And what was this before 7 am text? Since it isn’t even 7 am you texted morning, were you informing me of the time of day? Please understand that when I travel I am on the road or presenting at 7am. And if all you are going to type is morning, don’t bother. That’s something you say in that one word manner to coworkers and students just to greet in passing. I am not sure why you think it’s going to motivate me to stop everything and text immediately. Some of this I have mentioned before, this is the first time all in one message. But the way this is going right now is more annoying than fun or interesting. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings and I have to get back on the road. Maybe you can stop and think about how this can improve instead of acting as if I am an old buddy of yours ok with morning and hey shit.

I barely hit send and he replies –  “I got all that our of order sorry just hadn’t talk to you in a while and was just seeing how you were”

I wanted to scream bullshit! I told him I was good at 10 something yesterday morning.

He then writes this – “Well I hope you have safe travels and I would love to talk in depth when you have some time I will wait to hear from you”

Here is the truth of the matter – I am not going to text him again. And I pray he holds true to his promise of waiting to hear from me again. And I am not sure what in depth conversation he is able to have with anyone let alone me.

Why am I sharing this conversation with him and others I had with him in previous posts?

Because, sadly he is not the only one that does this shit. He is not unique. He is not special in his ineptness of communication and social skills when communicating with others they want to fuck.

I mentioned that in part it is confidence that is needed to make a good sexting experience happen… the largest part – is people have to get over themselves and in a hurry. I have mentioned this before, and I will in every post on social awkwardness… you have to pay attention to the other person. If you want to get laid, make friends in the lifestyle, have real FWB, go poly, or otherwise not get a reputation of being so stuck on yourself… you have to pay attention to the other person…

Consider this… everyone has some degree of self-centeredness… if we didn’t we would be door mats that everyone trampled on daily… I have a dose of it as well… I put up with him and his ridiculous texts messages for way too long… I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt… I tried to give him the tools needed to engage me… and his self-centeredness controlled his actions… all he cared about was texting me… not engaging me. He wanted to be able to say he texted me… He wanted to have me do all the work so that his phone would record all the amazing things I was texting – A little humor there… but I do come up with some good material when properly motivated…. LOL

He wasn’t really interested in engaging me enough to get a second chance at my pussy… he blew it… because he couldn’t use the social skills he was taught, the social skills I mentioned, or just plain common sense…

The chat guys… are the same way… they won’t play along and give the girls motivation to keep praising them… they will talk about man things and talk about how lucky they are to have their wives… and so on and so forth…

This type of social awkwardness in swinging is rampant… and so many people wonder why they suddenly lose an admirer and people don’t want to communicate with them anymore…

Sexting isn’t that complicated – as with the other posts… you need to get past yourself, be confident in what you do, and oh yeah, get passed yourself… swinging is not a solo sport – that is masturbation – if you want to be successful swinging… truly make an effort to engage the other person… find out what they want, need, like, desire… and half the work is done for you whether meeting them, flirting, or sexting… when you focus on someone other than yourself, you are successful in swinging – however you define it…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 3 A Bit More About Flirting

So, how did everyone do practicing your flirting skills? I have complete faith in you that you were actually coming our of your shell and flirting like hell… (a rhyme there… did you hear my voice filled with laughter and rhyming… hahaha).

First thing this morning, I woke up thinking… there are a few other things I need to mention about flirting…

Have you ever seen someone flirt with other people and do it in a way that was umm, over the top? Everything was so obvious that it was flirting and it drove you crazy because you wanted to tell them to knock it off? You don’t want to be that person.

When I told you that I flirt with check out clerks and so forth and so on… it is not over the top where everyone around me is thinking… “Why the hell are you flirting with THIS person?” The flirting in this situation is more focused on ‘flirting with the intention of making people feel good’ rather than ‘flirting with the intention of getting laid’. Even in sexually social adventures… I flirt, not with the intention of getting laid… but flirt with the intention of making people feel good. That is the general attitude of my flirting with most people I meet… unless I want to fuck you… then I start with the intention of making you feel good… and know that you are on my radar so to speak… and then if I have your attention, I make my flirting more along the lines… of I really hope you get what I want to do with you…. usually this works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Why doesn’t it work sometimes?

A lot of reasons… first and foremost… different play styles… maybe I am flirting with them at a house party and they don’t play at house parties, they only play on couples dates… this leads to a new kind of social awkwardness and I promise I will discuss this when we get to that segment of social awkwardness… you know, how to let others know what you can/can’t do without ruining the vibe…

Sometimes it doesn’t work because they don’t know how to take it to the next level… I have flirted with guys and they know I am flirting with them… they know I want them… they want me… they just don’t know how to move to the next level… and so they don’t. That is a form of social awkwardness… for some people it is because they lack confidence in themselves… sometimes it is because they are moving faster than their spouse is and they have to wait to see if their spouse can connect with my spouse (think party/club situation not just couple dates)… and sometimes, there is the whole ‘we have so many rules that will be broken if I pursue this with you, that I am so scared of fucking up with my spouse that my nerves are affecting my brain and my genitalia…

Let’s look at the confidence, or lack of confidence. This is a huge component to most of the social awkwardness anyone feels in the swinger world and in the rest of their world. I have a confession to make… I may come across as confident and most of the time I am… but you won’t know those times when I am not so confident… Why? Because I won’t tell you that I feel less than confident… and I will – here is the big secret… I will fake it until I believe I am confident…

Yep, there you have it… when I am not feeling that confident, I fake confidence… and then I feel more confident because I did it and well… I now know I can do that – whatever it was that I lacked confidence in – and now feel confident…

Do you get my point?

I have stated it in a number of ways so far in this series and will continue to state in a variety of ways… don’t talk down to yourself or about yourself. Stop using your past view that you are not good at something because it didn’t net you the results you thought it  would… or use it as a ‘save face’ in case you fail method of dealing with things… It is ridiculous to do as it hampers you ability to succeed and it drives those around you nuts…

I am a girl who is always thinking of something to do, write, say, or rehash on how it could go better… for me, this blog is a way to process some things about this part of my life and I love to be able to dissect what went on – both good and bad… I say this for this reason… when you tell me something like “I am not good sexting” or “I am not good flirting” or “whatever else you think you want to tell me you aren’t good at” – I am thinking, then why are you wasting my time.

There you have it…

When a guy approaches me and tells me that he isn’t good at flirting… I am asking myself and holding back the urge to ask… “Then why come over here and waste my time?”

I would love to do that and just see what they say.

When a guy says that to me, they are telling me – not in the words they say but the words I hear – “I know I am going to crash and burn and that means I am not going to put forth my best effort and just hope you will take pity on me and fuck me (swinger setting remember)…”

Here is what I want to tell him… if you can’t put forth any real effort and take the focus off of yourself for a few moments to say something that will build me up in order for me to want to engage you…. what are you going to be like when we have sex?

Don’t think other people think this as well? Well, you are wrong.

Flirting isn’t a one sided effort – both have to engage in the flirting for it to work… however, you cannot flirt with someone if all you can think about is yourself. You have to think about the other person first and foremost… which means – don’t tell me you suck at flirting…

Most people on the receiving end of first flirts are so tickled that someone noticed them, took the time to engage them… it literally sets off reactions in your brain and body that boosts the desire to continue to engage with the person…

HALF THE BATTLE OF FLIRTING IS DONE FOR YOU AFTER YOUR FIRST WORDS TO THE OTHER PERSON!

Yes, I was yelling that… while laughing… because this is so important… if the brain hears and recognizes the flirting happening… and the brain sends out messages to release certain happy feeling hormones and other responses…. why on earth would you fuck it up?

Do not fuck it up. Do not go on about how you can’t flirt, have no game, can’t sext, etc., etc. You put a stop to the goodness happening in their brain and body… and why would you do that?

I think I talked about that enough… flirt = happy hormone release = continued engagement = they won’t evaluate your flirt skill = they just want to fuck you…. (non-standard equation, but then again, swingers are non-standard to begin with)

Swingers are by definition (nothing to do with the single female or male in this general conversation here, but not saying they aren’t a part of the swinging adventure)… swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Now, this does not count the married folks who have an account and are actually cheating on their spouses… or any other version of that… and it is not excluding poly… and so forth and so on… it is just a general definition… for this purpose… (I typed that all in one breath and need to take a deep one now)…

Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat after me… Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others. Repeat again…. Swingers by definition are a married or committed couple who choose as a couple to have sex with others.

Why am I having you repeat this over and over again?

Because… if we know the definition, do we really need to be told all the time what you do with your spouse?

When you were dating before marriage, did you mention your previous boy/girlfriend at ever conversation? Did you mention your current boy/girlfriend to prospective dates? LOL…

If swingers understand that as a couple you are swinging together – as in she knows you fuck strange, he knows you fuck strange (FWB, Hall Pass, whatever you do)… do you need to remind the person who you are trying to flirt with…

Here is a conversation I had with someone… (believe me I have all kinds of fun conversations to add to the blog… damn my memory)

“Hi Sophia”… (I was wearing a name tag at this party)

“Hi sweetie”… (He wrote his name where I couldn’t read it)

“Is this your first time here?” (I will admit that is a stupid first line in flirting… try something original – like, “we love coming to these parties, the hosts are great.” Then I could have said something like… “This is our first time… ”

“Nope, we have attended this party a number of times… by the way… I can’t read your name… what is it?” (Do you happen to see where I went from flirty – sweetie – to rather ‘whatever sounding’ when I go to its not our first time to “what the fuck is your name dude, if you want someone to know who you are then write clearly…” yeah, that is what I was thinking…

“My wife has awesome tits.”

Awesome… go hang out with your wife and her awesome tits… see where they went so wrong so fast… he just did not get that if he wants to flirt with me… and even if he wants to have someone to talk to as his wife is going around blowing any guy with his cock out… he has to engage me… flirting is one way to do that…

Wonder what my response was?

“Since I don’t know who your wife is, I wouldn’t know about the awesomeness of her tits. I am going to head to the restroom and then get something to drink… excuse me”.

Here is another example of talking to much about your spouse… and not having your rules in sync…

“Hey Sophia, how are you liking the party?”

“I am having fun… are you?”

“I am, I want to do some fucking tonight… my wife and I fucked liked bunnies earlier today and I can’t wait to fuck some women tonight here. I just hope she doesn’t get mad. She doesn’t like to fuck at house parties.”

“Well, enjoy.” Exit stage right…

I wish you could see me right now… I am trying to talk myself out of banging my head on the desk… Seriously, recalling these conversations makes me want to bang my head on the desk… utter fail on both of those guy’s part.

Each one contacted me after the party and asked if we could meet up sometime to play… WTF? Why? To bore me endlessly with your stories about your wife’s tits or how much you fuck.

Now, you may wonder if I have a problem when the attention is not on me. I don’t. To be very honest, I don’t fuck every single person who flirts with me. Most of the time, I will flirt with them with no desire to fuck them… ever.

The point is, if they really wanted to fuck me and they thought this manner of engaging me would work, they are stupid.

If you want to get laid in the lifestyle, you do have to do some work… and talking about your spouse, using cheesy or just plain stupid conversation bits that does nothing to make the other person have a rush of happy hormones throughout their body…

Flirting is a process that requires you to be aware of what you are doing and saying and yet appear that it comes naturally – and it can… if you are paying attention to the person you are flirting with… assess, reassess, and adjust your flirting as necessary… and don’t bring your spouse into the mix…

This has to be the most obvious but more often than not missed part of flirting… don’t use your spouse as your selling point to being able to fuck someone. For example: trying to sell me on your wife… just because I may or may not be BI… doesn’t mean that I am interested in her pussy or tits. Don’t tell me she is great at oral. I don’t give a shit… I am not flirting with her… tell me something about you… tell me something that matters to me… and yes, make it about me… so that I know you actually want me rather than as a prop in your fantasy…

Most swingers feel some guilt about having sex with other people and enjoying it as much or in a very different and somewhat better way than with their spouse… this guilt they feel hinders their ability to flirt, be honest with their partner (spouse and new play partner) and hinders the excitement during the sex.

Don’t believe me?

Think very hard about what I said… and ask yourself, have you ever not said something because you might hurt your spouses feelings… like ‘damn girl, how you suck my cock, I have never felt that before?’ or ‘your pussy feels like home around my cock’ or ‘your tits are perfect’… or what if you said those things and your spouse got pissed… and that told you never to say it again… or have you seen a couple that had that happen while you were with them… and felt the awkwardness.

I am going to be honest here, a lot of the swinging awkwardness is not because you are not good at flirting, or shy until you get to know us… it has more to do with the ability to recognize guilt -hidden or not hidden – you feel about enjoying sex with someone other than your spouse… what if you enjoy sex with someone else more than your spouse? What if you get more emotional connection from someone else other than your spouse? What if you found someone else you fell in love with? Or what if, you realized that you need more than what your spouse can give you?

People feel guilty thinking about those things. Guilt makes people do things they think are hiding the truth, but in reality, cause you to act differently and that makes people notice you aren’t the same as you were before… thereby causing them to ask you ‘what is going on?’

Just a sorta related bit on flirting… social awkwardness… and other issues too numerous to mention here… but just think about it…

One guy told me that his wife hates it when he flirts with other women. I asked him how often do you have swinger sex. He told me they have been swingers for 6 years. They have never full or soft swapped because he can’t flirt with other women because she won’t let him and the other women say they don’t want to play with someone who won’t even act like they want to fuck them. His wife flirts with everyone all the time. She has to have the attention only on her. That causes him to have forced social awkwardness. And according to him… he hall passes without her knowledge. This was via a comment that wasn’t posted on the blog from a previous topic about cheating and hall passes.

Go out there everyone and get your flirt on… remember that you, only you can make it yourself a flirt master…

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging and Social Awkwardness Part 2 Flirting

Before I begin talking about flirting and the social awkwardness… I am going to discuss some feedback I received…

“Why do you hate shy people?” My answer – I don’t. If you read the post, I was shy. I decided to do something about being shy instead of hiding behind the label shy. I cannot stand when someone says “I/We are shy until you get to know us”… well, who isn’t. Being able to talk to a room full of people doesn’t mean you aren’t shy when divulging something more intimate to others on a one-on-one basis. However, in the world of swinging… WTF??? Do you really think you are that wonderful that someone is going to spend 4 hours trying to get you to talk to them about small talk and still want to spend more time with you… If you hang on to your shy label as a way to make others work harder to get in your pants, you will find most won’t. Chemistry doesn’t happen if you are SHY… you close people off… you keep them at arm’s length. And unless they have hours to kill to find out you are not really shy but just boring as shit… I would ditch the shy label and excuse and just learn how to make small talk and contribute to the conversation. You will find way more people interested in fucking you and being your friend in the lifestyle. Don’t believe me… ask all those shy folks how successful their quest for friends and sex in the lifestyle is working for them.

“Why do you think it is so easy for people to overcome shyness?” My answer – I never said it was. I said it is a process. However, if you don’t start the process by admitting you are using your shyness as a crutch and/or excuse… I was in 5th grade when it was first made mention to me… At 24 someone helped me… I am in my 40’s now… does that sound like it was ‘so easy’… however, you must actually start.

“What are the benefits of no longer being shy if you get attention for being shy?” My answer – why do you want to be on the outside of everything and not live life to the fullest – vanilla or swinger life? When you can answer that… you have the answer for your question.

On to flirting –

Flirting is an art form… but not a difficult one to master. The secret, to not try so hard to flirt. Let it come naturally.

Well, I am done. Said all I needed to say….

As if…

What I mean when I say let it come naturally… don’t sit there and tell yourself you are bad at flirting. If you tell yourself that, then you believe it. And if you tell yourself and you believe it… then you suck at flirting because you are living up to your beliefs…

You really can’t be successful if you are not able to see yourself successful.

So how do you get your flirt on?

Well, you have to be honest in what you say to the person… that is probably the most important part of flirting… And let’s just assume, as this is a swinger blog, we are flirting here with the intention of actually getting laid and in a shorter time frame than most vanilla settings… and this should be your objective, without being so obvious… so how do you flirt naturally, have an objective in flirting and not be obvious?

Well, here is how I do it… and let me preface this by saying that I flirt naturally and often without knowing that I am flirting… and I flirt with the check out person, people at the doctor’s office, at the local Target or Walmart… and when I am chatting, texting, and emailing… yes, I can flirt then too…

When I flirt, it is more in the manner of how I talk to them… and in vanilla situations it isn’t about sex… sheesh, I would be so damn creepy if I flirted in a sexy manner to complete strangers… however, my manners in which I flirt are very fun, easy going, and complimentary to them without being overly x-rated or outlandish… I make them feel good by paying them attention…

And that may be the key… you spend a few moments focused on them and making them feel good about themselves and their interaction with you. When you make them feel good about themselves and the interaction with you… they want to spend more time with you…

Some of the things that don’t go over really well is when you jump into the same old lines everyone uses or even creepier… go straight to nasty sex talk…

One chat participant on KIK decided to try his hand at flirting… He started with… I think about you in grey panties and I want to lick your entire body. I think about how I want to cover you in baby oil and rub until it is all in your skin.

Okay, that is not flirting… that is fucking creepy. Nothing about what he said was flirting. It was gross for beginning sexting. There was nothing building the other person up (me)… just grossing me out…

This is how it could have started and not been creepy…

So sweetie… what is your favorite color of panties? (This is a swinger blog and the flirting here is a bit different than store clerk flirting)…

I love pink and purple (and whatever you do when flirting… don’t fucking argue with their answers… go with their answers as a clue they are into this flirting attempt on your part.)

He then says… I love a girl in pink and purple… (Here it is important to remember, flirting is not about you and what you like… you want the girl in this case to believe that you are imagining her in pink or purple or whatever color she says panties or lingerie…)

Then she says… Can you guess what I am wearing that is pink?

He says… hmm, let me see… I can imagine you look hot in whatever it is…

And so it goes…

By this time, you will know if the person has any interest in you. Often if they don’t, they cut the flirting off… you know immediately if you are paying attention to them if they are interested in you. If you receive positive signs of them wanting to continue the flirting with you then DON’T FUCK IT UP.

Often this is where the person flirting fucks up… they go too far or too nasty too soon… the girl in this example, wants to have your attention… they want to build the chemistry with the fun flirting… they want to know the possibilities are endless (and yeah, we are going to skip the reality aspect of it now, that is not important)… but the girl wants to believe that at that moment, she is the only girl you are thinking about (get over the guilt or need to remind everyone how wonderful your spouse is, no one cares at this moment)… and then you will look at her and flirt with her some more… and then add a little touch here or there… see if she is receptive to that… and continue the flirting.

This is important and this is also where the social awkwardness with flirting comes very obvious.

In swinging… you are flirting with someone other than your spouse for the purpose of having sex. If you are not okay with this all the way in your mind, soul, and body… you are going to fuck it up. You are going to start talking to her/him about your spouse and what you guys like to do…

HOLD THE PHONE BUDDY… he/she doesn’t really care… flirting is all about bringing the warm, fuzzy feelings that you want before you fuck someone. If you don’t have those feelings… and she doesn’t have those feelings… fucking is unlikely to happen… and when you spend time talking about how wonderful your marriage is and how great sex is with your spouse and all that other stuff and then you kinda tell the other person, you want to flirt with them, but you can’t quite go the distance and you don’t know how to get over it… and that my friends is social awkwardness swinger style.

When you flirt, you must get over the fear of failure.

When you flirt, you must get over the fear of the unknown (how will he/she accept your attempts).

When you flirt, you have to stop thinking about yourself and think about the other person and how what you are saying makes them feel

When you flirt, you have to make sure you know your objective and stay within the objective… all the while being natural… you know… make it appear that you are just having the most delightful conversation and not a means to an end…

When you flirt, you have to think confidently about yourself and your skills at flirting…

When you flirt, you have to have fun flirting… that kind of flirting is contagious… It brings people closer together and find a common ground.

The ability to flirt without being awkward takes some practice… and you can practice in a very vanilla manner with a check out clerk… watch the reaction… do they look annoyed? Do they look happy? Do they start engaging you back in conversation? Do they laugh and act flirty with you?

Depending on their reaction, if you pay attention to it, you can gauge how well you are at flirting… and what you need to practice… find another swinger that you can practice flirting with… I know it sounds funny to ask someone “Can I flirt with you to get better?” that is why I am not telling you to say that… but find someone who appears open to meeting you or at least talking with you and start some flirting on him/her… without telling them… gauge what is over the line and what is happily accepted… take notes (not literally writing them down, but remember what worked) and do not use those notes as one-liners… that just adds to the social awkwardness…

As with anything in life worth doing… practice flirting… get out of your comfort zone and get comfortable with flirting… I know that sounds contradictory… but it isn’t… believe me.. read it again and you will see… your comfort zone right now is to say you aren’t good at flirting… because if you fail, you will just say… see, I knew it… when in fact, you should have been saying… I am a flirting master…

And let’s remember… I was a very shy girl in 5th grade, at 24 and decided to do something about it… and it turned me into a girl who loves to flirt…

Get over your social swinging awkwardness… I did, you can too!

Muah Sophia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Awkwardness and Swinging

This is going to be a challenging topic I think to discuss and to read. Many people have social awkwardness in a variety of capacities and degrees. Social awkwardness is not a lifelong disability… hell, it doesn’t have to be a lifelong ISSUE… one can actually work on their social awkwardness and find success.

I know this… I worked for a large number of years with populations of children and adults with developmental disabilities and taught them social skills and how to overcome social awkwardness however that occurs with their limitations.

So, there you go… a small bit of my past work experience… my current work experience has me doing corporate training and a good deal of it does deal with how to get along with others and how to avoid socially awkward situations that leads to stress that leads to unsuccessful moments in their lives.

Everyone with me so far?

I am not saying that anyone of you reading this has a developmental disability…

What I am saying is… a lot of people have varying degrees of social awkwardness.

I remember when I was in 5th or 6th grade Ada and her sister Lisa (a year or two younger than us) got mad at me because when a strange guy their mom was dating talked to me I acted shy. It wasn’t like he was a creeper or anything… but he was a guy I didn’t know that was having a conversation with me and I had no idea what to say… I answered his questions but felt really dumb doing it… and I am a natural blusher… even when I talk very boldly about sex… you whisper a sweet compliment and I will blush up a storm… Well, Ada (who I guess I really didn’t like that much, but you know as kids you hung out with whoever was in your neighborhood and class)… gets on me about “You can’t stop acting shy, it’s not cute.” and “You are just acting shy because you want attention.”

Today I look back and see Ada has some truth to her statement and some bitterness that I was getting attention that she wanted from her mother’s boyfriend… but like I said… there was some truth.

I am not saying being shy is a person’s way of getting attention… however, most people who are shy do end up getting a lot of attention because people want to open them up, get them to talk… they do get a lot of attention and the others around them are not… and that upsets a number of folks.

Me, I will talk to a person and give them five (5) chances to open up. Why five? I have no idea… I guess so I can say “On the one hand, I did give you five chances to talk to me”. A little pun if you will, one hand has 5 fingers… whatever… I thought it was clever and in my mind very funny…

But I will give them five chances… as in I will talk to them and make 5 concerted efforts to get them out of their shell… One – I greet them enthusiastically, letting them know that I am excited to meet them… I am greeting them as they are, not as I want them to be… authenticity. If they do not extend much of a greeting, I assume two things… they are not interested in me or they are shy. I give them the benefit of the doubt and then I will complement them – that is number two.

The complement is sincere. Not a one size fits all complement. I will complement them on something they are wearing or about them… I do this not to get a complement in return… but to engage them in a manner that shows ‘it ain’t all about me’… (Thank you Ada)…

Number three and four and five are efforts to ask them questions about themselves that are purposely not to be answered in less than 3 words… and that often require follow up questions to engage them in a conversation…

If they do not open up and I am not asking them about the company name where they work, home addresses, or other personal shit like that that people keep quiet in swinging environments… but questions that express “I am interested in you more than just your genitalia.” But back to the first sentence of this paragraph… if they do not open up and talk to me… I am done.

I know, that sounds harsh… but come on… I had to do the hard part already… start the conversation… the least they can do is contribute equally… (remember all the posts about texting stupid people who can’t carry on a conversation and how that pisses me off… ) If you can’t contribute equally in this conversation…. and it is a hugely awkward situation we are in… I am going to bail…

I am going to bail because I tried to invest time and interest in you and you couldn’t either accept that and reciprocate or carry on a conversation.

Now, Ada did not cure me of my shyness… I was the type of person who is quiet until I feel comfortable (This was a while ago… if you know me now and want to call bullshit… save your breath… I am talking about a process here… you are seeing the result of a great deal of hard work…) and when I felt comfortable with you… watch the fuck out… I couldn’t shut up if I wanted too…

I thought – because of Ada – that this was a bad way of being… without going into a lot or even a little detail about my childhood… being cautious with strangers was not a bad thing… being cautious of people who were not strangers… also not a bad thing… I recognized later on, that Ada was only partially correct… my shyness or as I like to call it right now… ASSESSING THE SITUATION was not a bad thing… it allows me the opportunity to assess the situation and the people in the situation… and over time, I have learned to listen to my gut.

And if we are being honest… my gut said ADA IS NO GOOD… Ada tried to get me to try smoking… How the fuck is that a good friend? I took one puff and the next day threw up repeatedly… now, granted it was not from the horrible attempt at smoking (my whole family smokes… I am the only non-smoker)… but a stomach bug hit our house (it was after an overnight with Ada, I am blaming her)… so it wasn’t the smoking but a bug as our whole family got it… About six months later, Ada (damn her) tried to get me to smoke again… I tried one puff and immediately threw up… Okay that was my own mind playing games on me… but you know what… Ada never asked me to try it again…

But anyways… I am not sure where these memories, vivid memories of Ada are coming from… but I learned a great deal from listening to my gut. First and foremost… it is usually right. How does this related to social awkwardness?

Oh yes, I had to learn how to deal with my ‘shyness’ and I have over the years. Hubby and I were married and at an event with church folks but not at a church… and there was a lot of small talk going on and I was standing there like a wall flower and a older lady (I was like 24 so anyone over 25 was older… so not true anymore) but she asks me “Why are you standing here not talking to anyone?” I was honest, I told her I don’t know what to say… She tells me that small talk is easy… and gave me some lessons right there at that event… she took me around and started conversations for me to watch and learn. She would include me into the conversations and help me pick up the slack… She used something similar to the 5 attempts with people… She taught me how to make an exit – no, not a dramatic one… but leave the conversation as it was dying (when the person was so shy they wouldn’t even try to talk to you…) and I learned a lot.

Was I cured?

Nope.

I tell you what… it took a long time to practice small talk. I found that I can talk about almost anything… but that screams small talk… and in the business and church worlds… that may be fine… but in the swinger world… not so much when you hide most of what you do and who you are from others.

So I started thinking about how I can change that to make it work (Tim Gunn moment there – Project Runway reference… LOL).

I think I am going to use my experience from work, study, and life to discuss the social awkwardness found in swinging… I think we will all benefit from it…

Things like – flirting, sexting, first date communication, pre-date communication, after sex communication, looking people in the eyes… being around naked people when you aren’t comfortable being naked, party etiquette, host etiquette… and so on…

Let’s begin by asking… what social awkwardness do you struggle with? And it could be as simple as spit or swallow!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Muah Sophia