I am a communicator. I love to communicate in writing, in voice, and in person. I like the conversations. Sharing about our lives, listening and talking… the give and take…
In the world of swinging, there is a bit of a different manner of doing things… if you are attracted to someone and want to meet them you reach out to them and hope they respond to you and want you and you can get together and fuck.
Pretty simple… and for many people, oh so difficult.
I love the ‘new relationship energy’ just as much as anyone. seeing their name up on your screen… feeling those feelings of lust, want, need, excitement, and so on…
The plans are made to meet and you are so fucking excited… and as the moments go by you are giddy with excitement… you simply cannot wait to meet, chat and fuck…
You can assume that the sex is good if you want… you can assume it was ok… phenomenal, or anything else… but let’s say it was not bad according to the post-sex comments…
As you are parting ways after the sex… talk of another date is shared… talk about how much you enjoyed this or that… and you can’t wait for more.
You may get a text on the way home… again exclaiming how much you enjoyed the time together…
You may have a few conversations the next few days… but suddenly nothing.
For a long time or never again… nothing.
Yep, a normal person may be able to adapt to this type of situation… figure it is just the way it is…
But is it?
Is it normal? Or is it bad behavior given a pass because sex was involved… sex which we all know has to be half hidden in society and when the light shines on it it is filled with shame.
I am just wandering along with this thought and who knows if it is correct or not… but it is the thread that is unraveling in my brain nonetheless.
Do we avoid niceties or go overboard on the niceties or decide it doesn’t matter what you do, what rules you break in regards to social niceties when you are breaking ‘societal rules regarding monogamy’ by being a swinger?
I wrote about “Unremarkable” in a previous post and found myself on the receiving end of a random text months after the last one I wrote about in that post. We are talking 3 or 4 months later. He had acted weird the last time we were together and texted a few times over the next couple of days. Then nothing.
I deleted his number as I often do when I have no contact with the person for a period of time or if I don’t really care if I hear from him again…
Then he contacts me with a text… asked if I would give him another chance. He had something going on that has been addressed and would like me to give him another chance. I ignore the text.
And herein lies the question… am I being passive-aggressive, rude, ghosting, or am I deciding that I deserve better?
In polite society, in this case, let’s assume we are referencing our lives outside of swinging, we have the right to choose how we allow others to treat us. We decide if being ignored unless someone decides they want to fuck you again is something we want to put up with… and in my case, the answer was no.
I am sure there is some confusion here… I didn’t want to see him again and was not upset when he stopped texting… actually relieved because I didn’t have to tell him I didn’t want to see him again. To me the issue is, he believed that he could stop communicating with me for many months and then suddenly text saying he wanted to see me again because whatever was wrong is right again.
A few weeks later he ‘likes’ me on a dating app. That was creepy to say the least. He doesn’t receive a response from a text from me and then finds me on a dating site and then likes me hoping for a response.
I chose to choose X.
That goes along with what I was saying earlier… have the right to not address his efforts to reach out to me. Luckily, the app makes it easy not to choose a particular person for no particular reason.
You would think it was the end of it…
Nope…
Unremarkable has decided to send another text explaining in great detail why he was not in contact wtih me for that time. What it amounted to was he was having erectile dysfunction issues and felt horrible he “couldn’t fuck me as I deserved”. He has addressed the issues and he wanted a second chance to prove to me he could.
We were not in a relationship. We were only ‘seeing’ each other a handful of times. With that said, he owed me nothing… but in a way he did. How he treated me, little details I didn’t share and this latest revelation from him makes a more sense, but at the same time… he stopped communicating with me after acting weird towards me.
So, I made a decision not to respond to his last text.
I am sorry he had ‘issues’ but how one treats another person while going through issues matters.
We hear in swingerville that no one wants drama. He brought drama during the three dates we had. He brought drama when he stopped communication with me and then tried three times to reach out after the fact.
I started this post stating that I am a communicator. I realize not everyone is a communicator. But if you want to fuck me as it is a post about swinging, you have to communicate with me. I am not talking all day everyday. However, if you want to fuck me you have to communicate with me in a somewhat normal manner. This means treating me better than a call girl at your beck and call.
I had a threesome with a couple and his wife. Then a hall pass with him. I don’t hear from him for a while. No biggie. He texts and asks me if I want to go to the swinger dive bar. We did. I am not sure why he thought it was a good idea… but he thought I would just pick up some guy there and we could have a threesome.
To be honest here… the swinger dive bar is full of gay men, trans women, swingers who don’t really swing with anyone other than the ‘regulars’. But this guy believed I would find someone we could have a threesome with… I made a connection with someone and had a wonderful few hall passes without this guy who wanted the connections made.
But I don’t hear from him for months… and then out of the blue he tells me that he and his wife want to fuck me.
Seriously, no contact for months and then ‘we want to fuck you’.
I tell him I have plans.
The next weekend he tells me ‘we want to fuck you’.
I tell him I have plans.
A week later, “we need to fuck”.
I don’t respond.
Then, ‘you’re past your deadline for a new story’.
I don’t respond because I don’t know what he is talking about… or why he thinks he deserves any stories from me.
Last night, “are you feeling spontaneous?”
I respond “I am with a group of people right now… having dinner and drinks. We all decided at 4pm to get together. A spontaneous plan. Yesterday I had a date planned in advance. I do both.”
I am thinking I want to ghost him because he is annoying.
There is no other conversation between us… just attempts at booty calls. And I am sorry, while I love to fuck, I don’t love the booty call thing.
In fact, I refuse to answer those calls after a number of attempts of directing them to understanding how unsuccessful they are in that effort.
I can see ghosting in this situation. Very much so…
And that is the heart of the problem… what do you do when you are wanting to be polite in polite society and you are in a swinger situation.
There are many who believe that ghosting without reason is perfectly fine. No reason or excuse is needed. If you don’t want to talk to the person anymore, then don’t. If the other person doesn’t get the hint that you no longer want to talk to them, that is their issue.
And I agree with that…
In the example with Unremarkable, he chose not to communicate with me and I was okay with that… When he decided to communicate with me, I had the right not to communicate back. Even when giving me a sob story…
With the clueless spontaneous guy… the booty call texts are getting so old… And I agree that ghosting him would be easier than dealing with his cluelessness… because if we are honest, the threesome was a lot of fun… the first hall pass was good… the second not so much and the wasted night at the swinger dive bar was boring with him… and I have no desire to be known as a booty call girl…
There are many who believe ghosting under any circumstance is rude.
Just because one is ethically non-monogmous or a swinger does not mean that one has to deal with whatever you don’t want to deal with… and rudeness is one thing you do not have to deal with… and make no mistake, being treated as a booty call or a pussy for hire – which come on, that is what he is acting like I am…
Deciding to ghost another swinger because you are not feeling like you matter as a person not just a pussy… that is empowerment… that is doing what is right for you and not worrying about whether others will like you is important… to you.
There are many reasons one feels it is important to ghost someone. Reasons we may not ever know or even understand. We don’t have to understand them. We just have to accept that we have been ghosted or variations of it.
But please pay attention to what I am saying… you have to accept that you have been ghosted or variations of it, but you do not have to continue to accept their behavior if they ghost and unghost you.
You can choose to be assertive in your reactions and decide whether or not to resume communications. If the answer is to not resume your communications, that is perfectly acceptable. You can ignore the texts and emails or you can block them.
You are not a bad person if you say no.
Muah
Sophia
Sophia's Provocative Adventure 