And What A Fool He Is

I also asked for an opportunity to write on Sophia’s blog. It is an honor to do so because of the honor of knowing her.

I wanted to start off by saying that Sophia isn’t walking around crying every moment of every day. She isn’t moping and bitching about everything. In fact, only when I ask her specifically about HIM and how she is doing in regards to him does she let me know how she really is doing. Otherwise, Sophia hides it pretty damn good. She has learned how to ‘fake happy’ pretty good. Something along the lines of ‘fake it till you make it’.

My getting to know Sophia is filled with a lot of laughter and a lot of fun conversations. But there has been for a while a sadness behind her eyes. She is spending time recovering from her ‘ordeal’ with those two. And let’s be honest, what they did to her is pretty bad.

From what I know, Amber and I are the only swingers who know anything about what they did to her. The only other people who know anything are not swingers and have no idea what to make of all of this. One question that is often asked is “What is the reason for them behaving like this?”

The answer is quite simple, they are self-centered, arrogant, and oblivious to the feelings of anyone other than themselves. And they don’t really care about people, just themselves.

I can say this because I know them. I have met them. I have interacted with them. I have seen them in action.

The things I learned about how they treated Sophia are not really that much of a surprise on one hand and yet, I am completely shocked they would treat her – specifically her – this way.

I have to be honest here, many things he and she did to Sophia upset me. Especially us breaking our date with Sophia because they changed their arrival date. Sophia explained it to us when they moved it up from Monday to Sunday and then from Sunday to Saturday. We understood it but we weren’t happy. We wanted to meet her. Imagine how pissed we were when we find out that he lied to her about several things, their ‘time alone’ that never happened and she was never told until it was ‘surprise’ and then the date with another woman he planned on her last full day. You asked her to give up her plans and then you make plans with another woman and expect her to be happy with another last minute surprise and then throw compursion in her face. Buddy, that isn’t compursion. It is selfish, arrogant and rude behavior.

Mike has zero respect for him especially. After laying into Sophia about a made up reason to not allow her to communicate with him anymore (completely made up) he fails to respond to the text Mike sent him. What better way to prove to Sophia how little she mattered. How made up the girlfriend’s excuse was that Sophia saw through immediately. Mike addressed it via text and was ignored. That is the sign of a weak as shit man. He demonstrated his true character and it is not at all impressive. It is sad. Truly sad.

Sophia refused to apologize for something she didn’t do even with him telling her that if she did it would fix everything. Sadly, the only person who believed it was him. It was obvious before that and especially after that there was no way that Sophia would ever be able to see him again.

Neither one of them could be honest with her.

Here is what bothered Sophia, Mike and well Amber and I so much, the constant lying, manipulating, and games both of them played.

As each communication that came that was less than honest, Sophia was hurt. There was a part of her that understood their immaturity, jealousy, the jumble of ego and insecurity, but what she couldn’t understand was what the end game was. Why put her through this?

Sophia felt stupid. She felt gullible. She felt attacked. And she felt like she couldn’t take a stand and stop it without taking a direct hit. She felt powerless. She felt like her hands were tied. And she felt horrible that she loved him.

Obviously, she is smart enough to realize that all this manipulative behavior is highly damaging, but she also realized that her heart truly loved him.

The part that is hardest for her to reconcile is that fact that someone who repeatedly told her that he loved her would treat her so poorly.

And why she allowed it.

I spent a lot of time, along with Mike and her badass tribe bluntly telling her that she did not deserve this treatment and that she needed to put this all in perspective. All I can say is we are glad there are texts and emails and screenshots. We would never have believed the shit she told us afterwards. It is hard to believe he could profess his love and treat her this way. Yep, read all those texts and emails and wall posts. You would not believe the gaslighting that took place all because…

What was hardest was the lies she was told about how she is somehow a horrible swinger and person because she wouldn’t kiss ass to the girlfriend all the while knowing the girlfriend has some serious issues to even demand what she was unwilling to give herself. As if somehow Sophia owed more to the girlfriend than the girlfriend owed Sophia.

The girlfriend owed Sophia respect and did not show it to her.

When we explained what she already knew enough times for her to finally hear it, we then went on to tell her that he did not deserve her love, affection, time or attention. He proved over and over he did not value it, did not value her, and that is his ultimate loss.

Amber and I feel strongly about Mike and Sophia. We see them as a truly unique couple and a treasure to know. We do not run across couples like this often. And when one does, they need to hold on tight to them.

Watching their behavior from before they met to now has definitely been interesting. There is hope that he has a heart and feels bad about how he treated her. But as I told Amber, Mike and Sophia, I doubt he does. His ego and need to be fucking everything and everyone in sight makes it hard for anything to phase him too long. We see that with his brags about his new conquests. All I can say is I feel bad for you man. No amount of bragging, no amount of conquests, no amount of fucking your way into people’s lives will fill that void. And buddy, you and your girlfriend’s voids are so great they will never be filled until you address the root problem.

One final point to make, the more you both go on and on about how wonderful your relationship is on the forums and on your wall, make sure no one is witness to the drama you bring to those around you. I am amazed at how respectful, nice, and silent Mike and Sophia have been considering how they were treated. If it was me, I would have called you both out on your bullshit.

Sophia has given me the final word on you both. She was willing to let this go after her post last Wednesday when she realized that she could talk about you, think about you and be ambivalent about you. She worked hard to get to that point and we applaud her.

Here it is… the last words on this subject.

Man you fucked up. I hope you miss her for the rest of your life. I hope you have a void in your life you can’t fill (more than you already have). I hope you realize how big you fucked up. You had a true gift given to you that few ever do. All you had to do is treasure what you were given. You threw it away without a care in the world.

You are a truly foolish man. You were given a gift and threw it away. A truly foolish man.

Mark

Mmm, Men and Respect part 2

In the previous post I talked about men and respect and how men tend to value respect more than love even with regards to women they love. So… because I am who I am I thought I would see if at least three men would be willing to let me interview them on being a man, a swinger, respect and love. This is not to say that the men that I am having this conversation with are in love with me… but I wanted to see where this lands when having a conversation.

None of the men I spoke to in regards to these topics is anyone that I am or have been in love with… which means, I did not ask my husband these questions.

I asked in total 7 men the questions and depending on their ‘ability to share’ they moved to the ‘mentioned in the blog’ status. Four men were willing to answer all my questions, three would rather not and their reasons for not are interesting… yet, they did answer most of the questions but not completely. Four of the seven admitted they did have some feelings that they have in the past felt were ‘love’ or at least strong infatuation. Of those seven men asked, six said that they could see falling in love with me based on who I am and four admitted that they know their wives are not a fan of mine because of how they feel about me and it has in fact caused some issues at home. The three that did not admit to their wives being upset that they like me as much as they do said it is largely because they have made sure their wife has no idea how much we communicate and to the depth of that we do.

That is a lot to unpack so let’s begin.

All seven men stated some version of “there is something about you that is so fucking captivating”. And yes, that is one quote from one of the guys. Most of the answers stayed towards the ‘you are so sexually free and open’ and .you have a confidence and sexuality that is so fucking bewitching’. I won’t lie… it was a rush to hear that from them.

All seven men stated something along the lines of… “I wish my wife would be as free sexually as you are…”

All seven men said a version that “It is easy to get to know you and feel comfortable with you” and “I feel like you are one of my best friends as I can share my secret sexual desires and fantasies with you” and “I can share more with you than with my wife about what I want sexually.”

I naturally asked them… “Why is that possible for you with me?”

Four came out and said almost verbatim “because I feel you respect me”.

Three hem-hawed in their answers and said something along the lines of “you share with me as much as I share with you.”

I followed up and asked what each person meant when giving that answer.

~ Never have I felt like sharing with you my deepest sexual fantasies I would be ridiculed or made to feel bad.

~ When I share something big with you, you share something big with me. It is not a contest with you but almost like a ‘thank you for trusting me’ and showing me that you trust me as well.

~ Despite the fact we [wife and I] are swingers, we don’t share our sexual fantasies with each other. I am bisexual but my wife doesn’t want me to be and I can’t share that with her. You get so turned on by me embracing my sexuality that it makes me feel I can be myself around you. No one else really makes me feel that way. I have to hide my bisexuality, even from my wife.

~ I can be honest with you even if I don’t agree with your blog or forum posts. That honesty is valuable to me.

~ I know you are no where near perfect and you embrace your imperfections. You make it easy to embrace my own imperfections. You make it easy to be honest.

~ To be completely honest, I think I have been in some form of ‘love’ with you since we first met online. This was back in 2013 and we started talking. Then we met and had sex. It was a huge blurred line for me. You didn’t always act like you liked me but in part that made me like you more. Now that is fucked up.

~ I am not sure what I will get out of answering these questions. I have deep feelings for you and have for a long time. I am not calling it love but I am certain my wife would not be happy with me if she knew the depth of what I feel for you. I feel these feelings for you because you act like you like me, want me, and respect me. Few women do that when swinging and even fewer wives act that way towards their husbands.

It was at this point I lost three of the guys who were responding to me. I asked the following question “Does your feelings for me as you declared them above cause you to think you love me?”

The three I lost at this point stated the following:

~ I feel something along the lines of love. Is it the same as the love I have for my wife, no. It might be more than what I feel for her most of the time. I am not going to be able to continue to answer your questions. I could get into a lot of trouble with my marriage if I do.

~ Sophia, I think you already know that I have deep feelings for you that are best not defined. I can’t answer anymore of your questions as I can’t be that honest right now.

~ Damn, you may not respect me after I answer this question, but here goes nothing. There is a part of me that has loved you in some way for the last 4 years. If I try to figure out why or how I may realize that I don’t want to be married anymore.

Of course, I followed up on those responses with concern for them and what they answered. All gave me assurances that they aren’t leaving their wives for me… but they were seriously thinking about their relationships with their wives as they found some issues in their marriage (the bisexuality as one example) that need some attention. They do not blame me for these thoughts or concerns in their marriage. They admitted versions of – “this has been an issue all a long” and being asked these questions brings it to mind that they really need to do something about this… and not sure what that will be… one stated, “probably not do anything as it is a marriage and sex is not the only thing their relationship is based on…

I offered each of them apologies if this is because of the questions I asked. Each of those three men stated a version of… “it is what it is” and ‘life is messy’. One pointed out that this is why he can share with me what he has because of my heart being tender with him.

The other four men answered the questions and their answers were not far off of what the others answered… but they went a bit further in their answers.

~ Sophia, You have often explained how love is fluid and can change over time. I agree with you. I can say that I love you without reservation. I do. I love your sexuality. I love your laugh. I love your smile. I love you tits. I love that thing you do with your pussy where you grab my cock and fuck that makes me cum so fucking hard. I love that you love doggy style and that you love anal. I love that you will finger me and I love that you will use a dildo on my ass. I love that you tell me how much you want me and crave me and need me. I love that you tell me that your pussy is mine. I love that I can get you to shut up by bringing you to the edge and then over the edge. I love that you make my cock so sensitive after you suck me dry. I love how you blow my cock. But what I really love is how you make me feel smart. And needed. And wanted. And I love when you make me feel like the best lover you have ever had. You do that by making me feel like you respect me. You respect my opinion. You respect my skill. You respect my desires. You respect my time and attention. I love how you don’t text all the time. You make me start 99% of all contact and you respond quickly. You are excited (at least your texts make me think you are excited) to hear from me. Our texts aren’t just sexting but real conversations. But fuck the sexting is hot. You can make me hard just by seeing your name pop up on my phone. But when you remember something I like that I know you don’t really care for but mention it to me because you know I get hard from it… like when you answer ‘yes sir’ and I know it is not for your benefit but for mine… damn, this is hot and a show of respect to me. I am not in love with you to the point I would leave my wife, but I do love you a lot. Remember love is fluid as you describe it… and in this case, I notice how you show your respect and love to me through these messages. No, I won’t leave my wife for you, but I love you a lot in a number of different ways. I feel that love because of the respect and trust you show me. So, yeah, I love you because you respect me and I know you respect me.

~ My wife won’t like this conversation we are having because she is already jealous of you. She can’t pinpoint why she is jealous of you but when I bring up your name she rolls her eyes. I will ask her why and she just says that I know why. I do. She knows I have deep feelings for you. To me they are more like deep best friend feelings that are love-ish but not love as in I am going to marry you love. Hopefully that makes sense. I love you but am not in love with you. I feel this for you because I feel you respect me. This is what you were asking about right? Do I feel you respect me? Yes, I do. Sophia, you have always treated my wife with respect. You have never talked bad to me about some of the bullshit she has pulled. You have looked at the many sides of why she does what she does. But never put her down or make me feel like she is a burden I bear. That shows me how much you respect me. That is important to me. It shows me that you love me as a friend. I find that very sexy and a turn on and since we are talking about respect being something that men crave, I would say you understand this and are able to express this to me by how you treat me with respect.

~ Respect is one of the core values I have. The fact that you looked at this issue and how it goes with swinging is pretty fucking impressive. How many women that swing would do this. Most women just go on and on about they want and never bother with what the man wants. You show respect from that aspect as well. I love that about you. Do I love you? Do I feel love for you? Yes, as a friend. That is something I crave more than you can imagine.

~ My wife and I argue about you all the time. I hear her say “What the fuck does she do to you that makes you think she hung the moon and stars”? My go to answer is “She makes me feel respected.” No lie. Imagine how surprised I was to get this question from you. Yes, I read your forum posts. Yes, I read your blog. Yes, we text and talk about all kinds of things. I share what I learn from you with my wife. She isn’t happy because we have some awesome conversations. But at the same time it is making her look past some of the hangups she has to see what could be done. We joke sometimes and say “WWSD?” What Would Sophia Do? One of the things you do that I adore is your straight answers to forum posts and your blog. You answer based on what you think and not to get laid. That is sexy. And that shows just how much you respect others. I know I love you. Just not in that way.

I am sure you can figure out how good I felt having this feedback. I mean, who wouldn’t feel pretty damn good that these men think highly of me… but that was not the purpose of this post… I asked this final question… to keep me grounded.

“Is there anything that I could do to make you feel respected that I haven’t done?”

Nope.

Muah Sophia

Mmm, Men and Respect

I am feeling pretty damn lucky overall as it goes towards my sexually social adventures… I have enjoyed a lot of experiences and adventures… I have also noticed there are many things I still want to do or try… and that has gotten me thinking back to what I have done and ahead to what I want to do…

Over the years I have met some incredible men… had some incredible experiences… and enjoyed many wet and wild times… I realized as I looked back at what I have done and the men I enjoyed that certain things meant more to me than others… and I learned a lot about men… and that is a good thing.

I also realize there is a great deal about men that I am looking forward to learning more about… and that makes all this even more exciting.

One thing I learned recently is the need I have for ‘respecting’ my partner…

And if you think you know where this is going… I may surprise you…

I took some time going over the experiences I have enjoyed and realized that when I crave a man it is because I respect certain aspects of his character… his being… who he is and it is not necessarily tied to what he does for a living… so I can move that out of the respect is based on job he has… or career… or education.

It makes sense that this is not what the basis of my respect is formed… most of the time when meeting someone for some ethical non-monogamy (ENM) fun we often purposefully do not disclose what we do in specifics or in details… we keep those things close to the vest so to speak…

And while that is often necessary and good (as in smart to do) it makes it more challenging to respect someone for their career and education… and this goes against the societal norm…

One of the things that I recently discovered is the need to then have other things that one can respect in a man… and here is the bit that is most important to know… men like to be respected more than they desire to be loved. Even by women they love. Men crave respect more than love from the woman they love… and when you look at what the basis of ENM is… it is the sexual manifestation of what most men crave… and it is not sex… it is not love… it is the physical and emotional sense that they are respected.

When I realized this it was one of those WOW moments.

A game changing moment…

A holy fuck… this is makes sense moment.

And because I am such a giving person… I am going to share what I realized.

Of the men who I have invested quality time in developing a relationship with… my husband, the two other men I love, the friendships that have come about through swinging or ENM… and the men who felt a great deal of connection and even considered that connection to be love on their side… it all had something significant to do with me respecting them and them FEELING without a doubt I respected them.

And I didn’t even realize that was the secret sauce.

I have only loved 3 men in my life… nothing new there if you have read my blog previously… said that before… and it is true… only loved three men… but have been incredibly drawn to many men… and enjoyed getting to know many of them to some rather deep levels… I loved getting to know them… and exploring things with them that brought them even closer to me. These are great and deep moments of closeness and sometimes there hasn’t been any actual sex yet because of those pesky logistics… but the emotional connection is strong… and even if it did not last years with regular contact… you know life gets in the way and you have to deal with life and sexy conversations don’t happen as often as one would love…

Life gets in the way, but suddenly there will be a text that brings it all back to the forefront… and it resumes and mmm… you remember why you love men…

So, in my recent remembrances of ENM partners I realized that the ones that I had so much fun and developed deeper connections with… all of those had something in common.

I respected those men.

A lot.

And deeply.

I looked at the group of men a bit more – and thought about what they physically looked like and guess what… I realized that most do not fall into a type that I crave… I realized I do not seek a particular shape, height, hair color, and you get the picture… I am not a physical type focused woman… and that led me to realize what does make me want a guy…

Oh and before I go towards what does make me want a guy… I need to say this… I do noticed what a guy looks like and feels like and smells like… and I do enjoy them physically… but it is not the first thing I notice… or care about… especially because I often learn about them on the forums and through emails before we meet… and I may look at their profile quickly, but do not put all that much stock in the photographs… but it does play into the ‘whole’ guy that I want… want to get to know and enjoy…

I realized that what makes a man so fucking appealing to me is one that I can respect…

And when I break that down a bit more… I respect a man who has an opinion… even if I don’t agree with his opinion.

I enjoy the growth that comes from a difference of opinion… good grief I do… I enjoy a lively debate… a deep conversation… a exploration of ideas… and some passion that comes from that area of manly goodness…

I am not interested in a ‘yes’ man… and while I do love to be a bit more dominant… I want a man who can in fact hold his own with me… that will risk having a difference of opinion from me… fuck that is sexy… a man holding his own… and doing it with humor, a bit of sarcasm, and a lot of creativity… yes sir… that is delicious…

On Kasidie I have had the privilege of meeting many men… some as a part of a couple and some as hall passing fun… and I have enjoyed seeing the ‘foreplay’ happen on the forums before we met… and damn… I have to admit part of that foreplay is not always getting along on the forums… sometimes we have some rather heated exchanges…

And here is why I love them so much…

I have great respect for a man who will disagree with me with confidence that I still want him even if he doesn’t cater to my every whim… and believe me, I will push it to see if he will… and if he caters to my every whim… I am not as attracted to him… I find myself starting to lose interest… and yikes… that is not good.

Having a man I can respect means having a man who will stand his ground on things worthy of standing his ground on… and let’s be honest, there is a huge difference between standing firm on a principle or topic and being an ass who is so stuck in his ways that he is inflexible and unattractive.

So, a man who has that balance going for him… is one I find very sexy and that means I find him very worthy of respect.

As I was looking at this new insight from this perspective… this lens… I realized that those men who I respect appreciated that respect give to them… and of course, I did not announce at any time “I respect you”… but rather I demonstrated in many ways unknown to me that I respect them… that I valued their opinions… I may not change my opinion easily or at all… but I respected them sharing their opinions…

And let’s be honest… you didn’t sit there thinking that I would suddenly be all submissive to your every opinion now did you?

Being a beautifully flawed woman… if there isn’t a better way to describe me and most women I don’t know what is… but being a beautifully flawed woman who is fiercely independent and yet wants to be gooey with men… having a man who you can respect enough to get their opinion or input or yes, even approval is huge… and it says more about the man than the woman…

The man who receives the respect from a woman says so much more about the man… not because of a job title, income level, or other societal benchmarks but rather because he incorporates integrity, intelligence, and other traits that demonstrate his worthiness… and while it is difficult to explain what this mean on an individual basis, it does come across as a man who women notice and in the case of ENM want… because it is highly attractive to women… and often seen as the elements of lust, infatuation and yes, love.

It is the reason many women ‘fall in love’ or at least lust with men when in fact they are feeling respect for them… shared connections with them based on the commonalities they have in ethics, morals, values, and what makes a partner worthy of another.

And before you get too far from this point I need to make… women will equate respect for a man as elements worthy of a partner/spouse and so on as women see a man who they respect as one worthy of that role… it is the basis of keeping the human race happening… if women didn’t equate respect and love as connected there would be no reason to seek a man to procreate… basic version of this… but accurate.

And yes, this is a bit heavy… but have you every wondered why some people connect at a deeper level than on a purely sexual basis?

It is because their energies or those elements that make you stand up and take notice of someone are at a higher level than merely sexual in nature.

It is why for many people they become friends…

Or lovers…

Or partners…

There is a connection that is stronger based on the elements that cause you to respect someone for more than a sexual experience – dare I say – one and done.

As someone who loves those types of connections… it is great to see that this is something I seek even before I knew why I did. Or that I did. It is crazy to realize, but it is awesome to know.

I have written previously about submitting or surrendering… and the journey that took… and I found that the very reason I could choose the man I did for the whole surrendering was because of the amount of respect I had for him… still have. I trusted him because I respected him to such a great deal. I sought out his opinion on many things… big and little. I had trust he was worthy to surrender to and that he would respect this coming from me. A perfect example of this really… and wow… that was huge for me… the purest sign of how much I respected him.

The same is true for my husband… I submit to him in a traditional sense as it relates to our marriage… and respect his opinion… and have for 29 years of marriage and 30 of being together… I do this because he has demonstrated over the years that he can stand up to me… and yes, this is the man who also wears a cage and let’s me paddle his ass when he deserves it… and with that said… the level of respect I have for him has increased greatly… a odd dynamic to many but it really does make sense to me… he respects me… I respect him… he does this with me or for me and I have even more respect.

And with both of those men, it was not easy or something that was without some resistance and that made me look at why that was… and I found that it was because of the issue of respect. I respected them and it was me wanting to make sure they were worthy of it… I am a beautifully flawed woman remember… and by showing them they were worthy it increased the amount of respect I showed them in return.

I also saw that the other men who I developed various levels of ‘deep’ friendships and connections sexually or otherwise all have the same elements of respect that matter so much to me… and those who I respect a great deal bring me great joy – and sexual fulfillment…

I reached out to several of these men while thinking about this and asked them if they feel that I respect them and if so, how do I show them that I do. I think I will share their responses in my next blog… it was really interesting and it was more than I was expecting… it brought tears to my eyes and happiness to my heart. Yep, I am going to have to share it in the next blog.

It was a great opportunity to learn something about myself and the men who I enjoy these connections with.

Muah Sophia