Is Swinging Really That Complicated?

I was posting on a thread on Kasidie – and I have to tell you, it got me thinking… The thread was about how to define new… my post is below…

“I guess I am not sure why anyone would want to hold on to the title of being new as a swinger.

I look at it like this, before any of us have sex we are virgins – male and female. When you have sex for the first time,  you are no longer a virgin.

On that same note, the first time you have any sexual contact with another ‘swinger’ soft or full are you are no longer new to swinging.

Yes, your adventure can be full of ‘new’ and exciting adventures… but you are no longer new to swinging – you swung already.

Doesn’t mean that there isn’t a great deal to learn about swinging – there is always something to learn no matter how long you have been in it as you are meeting a great deal of people and everyone is vastly different… but if you want to think deeper about it… you are learning less about swinging more about the individuals who swing – much the same as you do every day in vanilla life when you are meeting people for a variety of reasons.

Swinging requires the same skills as in our everyday lives – learning to deal with odd folks, people who have their own desires that matter more than yours do, how to gain attention from those you want to meet and how to deal with those who you don’t want to bother you… and figure out how to get the ones we want to fuck, naked and ready to play.

Swingers may make things overly complicated – I mean, civilization has had sex since the beginning of time… and most of it has not been solely in the confines of marriage…

Well, that is just my thoughts…

Sophia”

And this is where I will pick up this post… swinging isn’t complicated in its most basic sense… it is simply people having sex. It is the people who make it complicated. People tend to make things very difficult for a number of reasons and most of them is do to being self-centered.

I am not saying anything I haven’t said before, but it is true. Swingers often highlight how self-centered they are by how they approach their swinging adventure. Let me show you some examples… real life examples…

A guy was texting me. He was given a second chance. The second chance was because there were some communication issues… like no matter how I spelled out anything he either didn’t read it or couldn’t comprehend it… no lie… no matter how simple it was, he just couldn’t get it… He was texting me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was getting ready to go out of town for work until late Thursday afternoon. His response, “I weren’t bother you again”. (Yes, he wrote weren’t.) He hasn’t. Hasn’t said one thing to me since. Nothing in what I wrote said not to bother me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him. He read into my response as he wanted to read into instead of reading what I actually wrote.

Another guy was hoping to set up a hall pass with me. We have had a number of attempts at meeting one-on-one and it is really quite frustrating. The conversations relayed below span since late August… He asks me if I want to meet at a Starbucks in my town on Monday. He will get the address from me… I give him the Starbucks that is less than a mile away from my house… He tells me he accidentally deleted our whole conversation (whole other topic there)… could I send the address again. I do. He texts me Monday morning and he says he is held up at a meeting and well, can we push it back… I tell him yes. Then he tells me that he is about to leave and should be there in 45 minutes… It is a 2 hour drive. I tell him that… he asks me for directions to my location… he never checked the distance before making plans… he had to cancel… Then I am going to be near him on some of my travels… he asks me if we can meet… I say yes but am doubtful this will happen… he is all excited about the meet and then he tells me two days before we will meet that he won’t be in town… the next day he texts that he is in town and wants to meet… he will text me later to set it up… He never texts me… I wasn’t surprised and to be honest, I made plans to have dinner with my boys as I was close to them on my travels… Then he wants to see if we can meet when I travel on the 21/22nd of the month… during the same conversation he wants to meet the week after as he will be out of town the week of Thanksgiving… he contacts me earlier this week and says nothing about meeting this week but wants to meet next week… So I play along with the plans and have no idea if he will follow through… he says he can meet me on the 6th… wants to know what I will be wearing… I text back and he then tells me that he wants me to do an early check in… he has to be back home by 5pm… I tell him my schedule won’t allow it… and then he tells met that he won’t even be in the state on the 6th, won’t be back until the 7th… I share with him I am a bit confused why he makes plans with me that he cannot keep. I get a message not be upset, he really wants it to work out… really????

A couple contacts us and wants to travel from their state to ours to meet and play… we text and all that good stuff… I tell him I have to travel… so does he… He sends a text via KIK and then signs out of KIK so when I respond my text says sent not delivered… It could be an hour, several hours, days or weeks before I hear back from him… He says Hi, I say Hi, and then I get a message my texts to him are cold… WTF??? You randomly text when you feel like it and have no idea what I am doing or if I have the ability to respond immediately and decided from Hi, how are you doing? I am being cold…. how warm or hot can you be if you do not know if you will get a response for a week… The second to last text from him he writes HOLA. I was on my phone already so in less than 30 seconds I write back Hi and it stays in sent status for almost two weeks… he texts back, sorry he had to take a sudden trip to India… so in less then 30 seconds you suddenly found out you have to go to India and that explains why you shut off KIK immediately after sending a message??? And I am the one being cold? I sent him a text saying I am not interested in texting him anymore… they were supposed to come here this coming weekend… the guy sounds a bit insecure and needy… a bit too much so for swinger sex… I guess I am a bit cold… I will try to vamp up my tolerance for rudeness… yeah, probably not…

I get that life happens after you send a text to someone… but every damn time you send a message you sign out of KIK? We are not talking about leaving the screen, but signing out of the app where you have to download and put it back on your phone… If you can’t talk, don’t start a message with someone… it is rude…

Swinging shouldn’t be that complicated. I guess I am going to have to cut ties with some folks that make it too complicated… like the examples above… I am not going to give a 3rd chance to the first example – the miscommunication happens too often to be of any fun… I just gave you one example from him and the sad truth is there is about 40+ I could give… The second guy, I am done with the pretending we are going to meet… I am going to stop offering up an ear when he talks about meeting with me… he is too lazy to look up the distance, keep the address I texted him, make plans when he is actually able to be in town… and well, I also have doubts that he and his wife talked about him having a hall pass. He said she has had several, but maybe, he should ask his wife so he wouldn’t have to drive 4 hours round trip for 45 minutes of available play time… The last guy… it is over.. I won’t expect a text from him anytime soon… I laid it out pretty plainly that I am not interested in him or texting him anymore… He lost me when he said I was cold by just greeting him with a “hi, how are you?”

Their expectations of what I was supposed to be and willing to do did not match up with what they offered me. We hear tell “We don’t do drama” but most of the time those same people offer up a lot of drama, granted they don’t see it, but it is there. When you are rude to a person because you can’t see past yourself… well, that is drama. Even if I do not rudely address it with you, it is drama. How? Because you have treated me like you do not care about me in the situation… and if you can’t understand how you are being rude to me, how am I supposed to be turned on by you? If I choose not to make a scene, it doesn’t mean that drama is not there… in fact, it causes a great deal of stress having to deal with situations like that… so it makes what should be fun complicated.

The solution? Take a moment and reflect on what you do when you interact with someone. If you randomly text and the person says they are busy… don’t tell them they are cold… show a bit of understanding that you intruded on their day and they may be busy… if you show a little consideration for their time and life… they will often find that sexy and want to take time to show their appreciation later…

There is one person I am trying to arrange a hall pass with, we have managed to do so several times in the past and were successful… unfortunately with both of our schedules it is a bit complicated. We text back and forth to see if this day/time will work… it did almost a few times but something was changed at the last minute… each encounter was honest and effort to make it work was put forth… a vast difference from planning a date and then not taking the time to check your schedule ahead of time to make sure you are free.

Swinging is not complicated. People are. If we could just take a moment and realize that if we really want to meet a person and fuck them, then we should take all the obstacles out of the equation and just do it.

Hope you are enjoying your sexually social adventure…

Sophia

 

 

 

The Curious and The Courageous

It seems like a good number of folks I run across on the sites I am on have a problem with their image. There are a good number of folks that do not want folks to know who they fuck, if they fuck, or when they fuck, and how often during the week they fuck.

I can make a judgement call on them and say “Anyone who does not want anyone else to think they have sex are curious only and not courageous enough to swing.”

I have no idea if that is the real reason they don’t want anyone to know why they are or are not having sex with others… but I am basing this judgement on my perceptions, not reality.

For me, I am making a judgement call on them based on their behavior. I may be very wrong on this statement… but just so you know, I am using this as an example only…

It doesn’t appear to me that many people understand that making a judgement call on an individual is very different from judging a group of people based on one or two criteria…

Believe me, if you read my last post… you would know that I am aware of what taking a few facts and ignoring other facts and assuming you know something has some pretty nasty consequences…

When you are making a judgement call on an individual or couple as to whether they are ‘sponge worthy’ (Seinfeld reference)… and take into consideration a multitude of facts and decide to go ahead or decide to run away… that is different, very different than saying because ‘anyone who does this’ is ‘that’ and you will avoid them for that very reason carte blanche.

I posted a response to a thread where someone was wondering if they post a rendezvous too often and then said they noticed some people post rendezvous far more often and they would never consider them…

The understanding is the rendezvous postings are largely hit or miss and if you post one it does not mean you will get anyone to respond. And if you get a response, it does not mean you will meet them. It also does not mean that you will fuck them.

Yet, judgement has come down that those who post too often are desperate – to desperate for anyone to consider them as someone to meet… yet, the question I have is… how often is too often?

And if you post often and have less than 1% of response, are you really desperate?

I mean, maybe you like to play the lottery and you know your chance of winning the lottery is slim to none, but hey, you have nothing to lose but a dollar… so you play each week and nothing happens but nothing really is lost but $2 a week and your time doing it…

Same thing could be said for a rendezvous… you post a lot and every once in a while you meet someone and let’s say maybe a friendship develops… or not a friendship but a fun night of hanging together…. or if you are really lucky… they are cool, you like them, they like you and you fuck till you are wore out….

In the world of swinging, isn’t that what you would think is one way of making it happen?

Here is what I posted in response to the opening post….

I find it interesting how many have said they have not really gotten much (responses, commitments, or play) from using rendezvous… yet someone who posts one too often is less desirable because of their ‘frequency’ and assumed high mileage. (BIG SIGH HERE – high mileage again)…

I will say we have never posted one on here… the number of folks near us just isn’t enough to put ourselves through the feelings of dejection – that nobody wanted to meet us… the numbers are simply not high enough to be worth the effort. We would go on another site we are on where the numbers are higher in our area if we want to try to see who is out there interested… however, our go to efforts is to host a house party and invite folks or do the ‘couple date’. 

The only thing I find frustrating about Rendezvous is we cannot turn off the notifications of them from those who are so very far away and on our friends list. While I would love to meet those on our friends lists… it is just sad that I can’t answer YES! in response to their rendezvous clear across the country. 

But back to my original point… isn’t it kinda… umm judgmental to assume and label someone who posts a rendezvous ‘too often’ in one’s opinion as unworthy of anyone’s time or attention when we hear how many do not get any responses to their postings and even if they do get a response… it does not guarantee a meet or a fun greeting or even play… it just means they post an awful lot hoping they will find the right person also looking and interested in possibly seeing if it works out… and more than likely it doesn’t for whatever reason… and well… maybe next time… so they post again and again hoping to raise their chances for a successful effort….

Kinda like the $1 Billion dollar lottery happening now… so many seeking to win the lottery and the nothing coming out of their efforts. 

I kinda wonder if this all goes back to so many people believing that sex is bad. Sex with more than one person is bad. That sex with many people is worse. Will be honest… I figured a person who is on a swinger site which is known for ‘finding folks to fuck’ no matter your process of finding those people would understand that some folks don’t have a problem with others knowing they like to have sex and create opportunities for that to happen. 

Just my thoughts… 

Sophia

I don’t get a lot of things in the sexually social adventure we are on… why so many people want to be a part of the lifestyle, yet are afraid to admit to themselves or others…. they want sex with others… as if there is something shameful about it…

I guess if you are ashamed that you like sex and you like sex with others… maybe you fall in the line of curious… curious about it but too afraid to move to doing it as you are afraid you will be judged… yet, while you sit there and judge others…

Yeah, my post with the statement of judgmental… bothered some folks… and a few of them I know are very judgmental and really hate to be called that… as it hits home…

But here is the thing… you can make judgment calls on individuals you want to meet and do not want to meet… but to label a whole group based on perceived actions… well, that makes a person judgmental not making judgment calls.

I think that is where most people find the problem with the whole using data to make a judgement call and judging people. When making a judgement call, you use facts. When judging a group of people based on your perceptions without any supporting facts… you come across as an asshole or bitch…

I am quite curious how many of those judging others on their sexually social adventure are as courageous as those who are honest and willing to give folks a shot based on what they actually know about a person versus their perception….

Hope your sexually social adventure is enjoyable, you courageous swingers, you!

Sophia

 

 

A Conversation Started – An Need to Satisfy

Texting a friend today and this topic started to develop and I am going to write about it because I see this a lot and it drives me crazy…there are many different parts to it… but let’s see if we can have it make sense…

How many times have you seen someone write or say “sex with my spouse is incredible”? I bet a lot.

How many times have you seen someone write or say “gotta get to know you before I can have sex with you”? I bet a lot.

How many times have you seen someone write or say “we have a great, secure, incredible, wonderful, perfect, fulfilling marriage”? I bet a lot.

How many times have you seen someone write or say “we love each other and find everything we need together (or something similar to this)”? I bet a lot.

How many times have you said…. “Do you know how stupid that sounds?” I bet a lot. If you are honest. You know you can be honest here. I am honest and sometimes I sound like a bitch, a whiny, bragger, stupid, airheaded, whore, slut, easy…or any other name you can think of… sometimes I am even thought of as smart and wow… insightful. I would rather be honest than hide what I am feeling or thinking… I have a brain and an opinion and I do love to share what I have gone through for others to see where they fit into the adventure and see if there is some growth for us all. I learn about myself all the time… I am open to growth and change… but don’t order me to do it… find a way to get me to see another perspective…. I love to be surprised by a new idea or a different way to think about something I hadn’t thought that way about before.

So we were talking via text about the horny feeling you have with someone on your sexually social adventure. You text, talk, and whatever with each other and the desire builds… you have to fuck him or her or your body will explode from need. The emotional, mental, physical, and sexual connections are made and the desire it constantly building… no matter how much you fuck your spouse, you still want this person who made you horny that day… you want the man or woman to be the one curing this need… you need him or her to fuck you silly… you need to see if they are like they say they are… if the flirting and the build up is going to be there in person and if that itch that needs to be scratch can be satisfied with the other person.

So when you talk about this with someone… I swear 90% or more will go directly to the following statements… my spouse satisfies me sexually, or we have a great marriage and he is all I need, or the only person who can quench my sexual need no matter who I was flirting with is my hubby….

I want to scream at this point………..WTF are you doing pretending to be a swinger?

Yep, that is harsh I know… but damn, do you realize how fucking stupid you sound? You are on a swinger site pretending to be a swinger and you can only be satisfied sexually by your spouse… male or female??????

DO YOU NOT REALIZE that swinging is about having sex with other people because that is a need deep inside of your brain and body to have sex with others in addition to your spouse…. so in that very general statement, you are telling people you are lying….

• Your spouse is not all you want to fuck… or you wouldn’t be on the site to fuck others
• Your spouse is not all you need sexually…. or you wouldn’t be on the site to fuck others… 
• Your spouse does not satisfy all your sexual needs…. or you wouldn’t be on the site to fuck others… 

Now, hold back that defensive shit you are wanting to spew forth…. 

THERE IS NOT ONE DAMN THING WRONG WITH WANTING OR NEEDING MORE THAN YOUR SPOUSE SEXUALLY.

We all have reasons for swinging… for fucking strange… and you know what… no one is judging… well no one but you… 

When you state that you are completely and absolutely content with your spouse in all ways… you are judging those who are actually being honest… 

Honest as in…(this is just a general rambling of honest statements anyone could make).. I love sexual adventures… I love fucking strange, I love to have sex with men and women, I love puppy piles, orgies, gay sex (if you are a guy since everyone thinks all women in the LS are bi – whole other subject I have no time to discuss now)… I love my spouse but you know what, our marriage isn’t perfect, I love variety in sexual partners, we love to fuck others, but doesn’t mean our marriage is on the rocks, sometimes I want to fuck someone else so much that I can’t think of anyone else at the time and I have a strong need building for that person to fuck me that no one, not even my spouse can take that away… kinda like when I first met my spouse and just couldn’t get enough of him/her fucking me….. but you know what after fucking the same man or woman for years… I want variety…. and so on… you get the picture… real and honest statements rather than the same shit everyone else spews and then you see their truth come out in public swinging events or dates… yeah, go with honest every time…saves everyone a bunch of wasted time… but back to the topic….

If your spouse is everything you need in every way… why are you swinging? 

Why are you telling everyone before you get busy with them that they have no chance in hell to ever make you happy sexually? Never satisfy you? Never be good enough? 

I tell you what… I don’t play with people who utter those words from their mouths… in front of me. I have no desire to fuck someone who has already decided that I was not going to be the best fuck of their life. 

I may not be the best fuck of their life, but if they have told me that they have all they need sexually from their spouse, I have nothing to look forward too. I have no goal… no obtainable goal.

I need that goal… I need to feel desired… I need to be wanted sexually…. I need to be told that I was their best fuck to date… I need to know that when I fucked them I left them with a memory so good that they will remember me with a smile and a hard on… I want them to tell me I taste better than anyone else they have ever tasted… I want them to tell me I wore their ass out…. I want them to tell me that I rocked their world… I want them to tell me they can’t get enough of me… 

Why? Because… I am fucking human… we all want to believe we are the best at all we do… and damn it… who doesn’t want to be the best fuck of someone’s life… we all want to be desired, wanted, needed, and everything else just short of being stalked… you know what I mean.. the ability to be the most desired person in that play partner’s life at that moment… and hold your fucking horses… NO ONE MENTIONED REPLACING YOUR SPOUSE… but come on… who wants to be sorta desired… or worse yet.. liked enough to be played with but not really desired… you know that the other person can tell when someone is going through the motions… there is no passion, there is no desire, there is nothing that really sparks the fuel of good sex…. 

And you know what… it can’t happen if you don’t build that want, that need, that desire that keeps you horny and no one else can satisfy that need but that person… not your spouse, not someone else, but that one person who has my body on fire for them… 

To be desired to the point of no one else can satisfy it… while painful… is a good painful.. one I love to suffer through… 

If you haven’t experienced it as of yet… I feel so damn sorry for you…. I really do… you are missing out on some of the best sex of your life… 

I have more to write on this… I think I will continue it in my next post… gotta get back to work, been so swamped lately… 

Hope you are enjoying your built up desire that is dying to explode from your body.. I am…

Sophia